A flower unplucked is but left to the falling

One of my followers have stopped following me. Now I have five followers instead of six. The tragic thing is I can't remember who it was. Was it MM? Or Emu?

I really like Yeats. And Frost. Frost makes me smile, Yeats makes my heart skip a bit. I have finally read the poem that ends with 'I have spread my dreams beneath your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.' Its called 'He wishes for the clothes of Heaven'.

HAD I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with the golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams beneath your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams...

I think, if someone treads hard on your dreams, they do not deserve you.

I also read Television by Roald Dahl recently. I like it, because, we currently do not have a TV. I mean, we have a TV set, but its not set up, so we cannot watch it.

It has already been sixteen days of Ramadan. Time is flying, quicker than usual! That is something worth noting, since it usually flies very fast. I have two exams next Wednesday, one assignment due, soon, one exam (for a subject which I have not started studying for at all!) in two and a half weeks and several things in between. I can't believe tomorrow is Friday, again. It seems like last Friday was only moments ago!

I find it so amazing how we can waste so much time yet complain about how time flies by. And it is extreme hard to do otherwise - have you realised? For example, when you are doing something that you must get done (e.g.: an assignment that you are stuck in, two-hour lectures, praying when your mind is not in it), time seems to go very slowly. Yet, when you are sleeping, or eating, or entertaining yourself on the internet, half an hour seems to be equivalent to five minutes. In fact, usually, these units of time seem arbitrary. Its how long it feels that matters, not how long something actually takes.

Unfortunately, life is full of time limits, since life itself is for a limited time.

I was asked by Miffy, what I want to do with my life. I couldn't answer her. But then, I thought about it. And I think I know what I want. Its nothing fancy, like SS, who is very brave to dream of what she's dreaming of. That poem of Yeats may seem like a lover's poem, but to me, it seems like something a parent would say to his or her child. They have so many dreams, naive and silly dreams, sometimes, dreams which must be tread upon softly.

But, hold fast to your dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly!

Speaking of birds - we have random spotted doves flying around our house. They sit on the ledges and call out. They fly towards the windows, pause, then fly back, disappointed that the clarity is actually a barrier. They are beautiful creatures that brighten my day. Sunlight through my windows in the afternoon also brightens my day. And the moonlight - it showers my bed every morning at four AM.

Alhamdulillah, Allah accepted one of my duas today, the same dua that I made last Thursday. Yet, I am feeling like my mind is beginning to wonder off from prayer again, I am losing the feeling of love I felt a few days back.

A reminder that we all need:

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “The slave will receive a response so long as his dua does not involve sin or severing of family ties, and so long as he is not hasty.” It was said, “What does being hasty mean?” He said: “When he says, ‘I made dua and I made dua, and I have not seen any response,’ and he gets frustrated and stops making dua.”

Sometimes, things feel so impossible, yet we just have to hold on, and keep asking.

Therefore, pluck thy flowers, since nothing is gained by not gathering roses!

Maher Zain - Insha Allah | ماهر زين - ان شاء الله

Heard two of his other songs - The Chosen One and Open Your Eyes. A talented human being!

Tahajjud

In the darkness of the night,
Stillness overcomes me.
I sit here -
Paralysed, thinking of You.

The love that I feel in my heart
Mingles with hope and fear,
I feel a tear
Forming at the corner of my eye.

I want this state to last forever
This moment, I wish to savour
When no one else is in my mind but You
My head is down on the ground, I
Feel You lift my faith up to the sky
All of my heart is coloured by Your hue.

They all dissolve from my head -
Worldly thoughts and worries,
I trust You
To take care of my affairs.

When the past comes to prod my mind,
I find the strength to push,
To break free,
Hoping You will forgive me in time.

The dark moments that eat away at my heart,
Please wipe them, I need another new start.

Lets not pretend that aeroplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars...

...Lets find real shooting stars!


'Tis the 7th day of Ramadan and I am beginning to feel the high faithed period starting to wear away. But, I know, that this is the real challenge. When something horrible happens, its not easy to get back up. But when Ido get up, I feel so grateful for being able to do so that you climb up very, very high. Then I start to take it for granted and slack off. I fail to realise that God gave me the ability to be here and therefore I must put some effort in keeping myself here. Leave a comment if you know that feeling!


I saw little A (FG, you would know her as M) again after more than three months! She has become more adorable than she ever was and she seems to be enjoying the second year of her life very much. She can talk more fluently than ever, yet, she cannot say 'apu' when she sees me. However, I have finally gotten her to realise that it was me who took her photos with my phone - photos at which she used to stare in amazement. So, today, I showed her my phone and she said 'baby! baby nai!'. And then, 'pojapoti'. I figured she meant 'projapoti' even though she was looking at the two dandelions in my wallpaper. So I told her its 'ful'. She stared at me for a while and then she said 'ful?'. In short - She is an adorable two year old whose face I feel like covering with kisses. 


I had my pupils dilated by a chemical (the name of which I should've noted down, according to my lab worksheet, but I didn't) yesterday, around 2 pm. I couldn't see it myself, but they expanded to a point where my irises were hardly visible. I could not read anything for until this morning. I had to squint and hold my phone as far as possible to make out the words a text message! All the white lights were too bright too even glance at, yet, I don't own any sunglasses, therefore, I just had to put up with it. Despite all of these inconveniences, I loved it! Everything looked blurry, like I was dreaming. It reminded me of Inception. If I remember correctly, their pupils were more and more dilated when they went deeper in to dreams. It also reminded me of hungry vampires. If you have not read or seen Twilight, you probably don't know what I am talking about. But if you have not read or seen Twilight, I strongly suggest that you don't waste your time by doing any or both. (I was fifteen when I read it! I can be excused!)


Today, I had the best sleep I have had in a while, on the train. It got to a point where MX fell from my hand and my head lolled to the side. On a separate occasion, but on the same day, my head rolled sideways and  hit the window, twice. Thank God for the beautiful sleep I have been experiencing, especially since they last only between my stops, and not beyond. 


I love Vision Science 1, especially when SN talks. He dims the light in such a way that his voice grows more appealing, and the content more enjoyable. Yesterday, he was talking about the photo receptors and their structure. He said that the diagram is not just a random work of imagination, it is actually a map of the actual location and shapes of them. While talking about them, at a point, he stopped. And he said - who knows if they are really there? Maybe we're all dreaming about it. And it reminded me of Inception again. There is a scene where a strong sedative is given to a group of people who voluntarily want to fall asleep. When asked if they come here to dream all the time, the manager said something like: No, they come here to wake up. After all, who are you to say they are dreaming? 


Inception was such an epic movie. You can relate every line to reality. It reminded me that, so many of us are still sleeping and we don't realise it! We don't realise that we are blocking out reality. Or maybe we are voluntarily doing so? It's time to wake up and face the truth.


'And so, the parable of those who are bent on denying the truth is that of the beast which hears the shepherd's cry, and hears in it nothing but the sound of a voice and a call. Deaf are they, and dumb, and blind: for they do not use their reason.' (2:171)


'Have they, then, never journeyed about the earth, letting their hearts gain wisdom, and causing their ears to hear? Yet, verily, it is not their eyes that have become blind - but blind have become the hearts that are in their breasts!' (22:46)


'How can you disbelieve in Allah? Seeing that you were dead and He gave you life. Then He will give you death, then again bring you to life and then unto Him you will return.' (2:28)

Wet eyelashes, a shivering heart

The fifth day of Ramadan is turning out to be as beautiful as the rest of the days. I don't know what it is, but as soon as the first night began, I felt a strange sense of peace. I felt this sudden hope that everything will be okay, again. I have this month, this chance that God has given me yet again, to become a better person. I felt the heavy guilt of stooping to my lowest, of hurting others beyond imagination, of experiencing things I promised myself I would not try ever again. Yet, since that night, I felt hopeful again. God is the Most Merciful, and His mercy exceeds His wrath. I must remember this. I came across a beautiful Hadith today - In it, the prophet showed us what we can say if we have suicidal thoughts. He said: "Let none of you wish for death on account of an affliction that befalls him. If he has no alternative, let him pray: O Allah! Give my life so long as this life is good for me, and take away my life if death is good for me." SubhanAllah! I was staring down from the second floor only about a week ago and wondering if this is worth it. Allah showed me that it is.

I have so many things that I can thank Him for. For my beautiful friend - FG, whose email made me smile and gave me the first ray of hope again. May God bless you and make you more amazing than you already are. May He make your problems easy for you. For the strongest woman I have ever seen - my mother. Only about two days ago, I was reading a diary that she kept when my siblings were little. Her perception amazed me! She did creative and innovative things to teach them love and respect. The things that they would say reflected that. They were the most important things in her life and it seemed like she would do anything for them! She is still like that. She has so many things to worry about and I wish I was not one of them. I wish I could make her smile more. I remember, once, she told us she had never seen any soft minded girls like my sister and I. It brought tears to my eyes, to think that she loves us so much to think that. Her strength makes us forget the softness that lies within her, but I pray that I will remember it more frequently. 

Its was raining a while ago. The mountains are bluer than usual, the sky is patterned with different shades of whites, greys and pale blues. The streets are wet, yet, glistening in the sun. A slight breeze is swaying the branches, slowly. Their leaves softly swinging back and forth. Life is beautiful again, alhamdulillah.

Certain people in my life have come and gone and returned and gone, only to repeat the pattern over and over again. People who I have hurt, or people who have hurt me. For those who have hurt me - I am really trying to forgive you, but its not easy. For others - it feels like I am stuck in a stalemate. I can't do anything at all until I am forgiven. I can't do anything to be forgiven except to silently pray. I am not the best of Muslims, in fact, I am probably not a very good one. The word 'Islam' has two meanings - peace, and submission. To be a Muslim, is to attain peace by submitting to God. If you are a Muslim, God's wishes are your first priority. For me - I get into these high faithed periods in which I truly believe in God. I truly believe that I have to return to Him, that I am accountable for every single action. I am accountable for every person I hurt, every time I hurt them. Then, my actions reflect that. Sometimes,  I just throw everything in air and give up. It feels like I am a bad enough person already and it does not matter if I hurt a thousand people to get what I want.  During those moments, I lose my perceptions. I can't see beyond my desires. This keeps happening over and over again. I was thinking about why it happens for quite a while, and then it hit me, today. It happens every time I feel betrayed by someone. NC told me that she never would have thought that I have rebelled a few times in the past, to quite and extreme. I think its because, being the youngest, as a young teen, I never felt like people trusted me or expected me to be responsible. Yes, people kept reminding me of how irresponsible I am, how I can never get anywhere, how I cannot be trusted with any responsibilities; but no one (except my sister, my all-time childhood counselor) told me that I can actually do some things and that I can be responsible. Its only when you are treated like an adult that you feel like an adult.

Its only when people tell you that you are good enough that you feel good enough, especially if you are in your childhood or early teen years, when your heart feels vulnerable to everything. LJM is reminding me of that every time I think about her. She is such a beautiful girl, yet, some horrible people made her believe she's not. Her family is falling apart and she seems to be the only one who has some sort of an idea about the consequences. I can't remember if she's twelve or thirteen. RA reminds me of that too. She is the youngest in her family, yet she seems to be the wisest. Yet, her heart is vulnerable too and at times, she needs reminders that she is amazing, too. 

Last week, a very close friend refused to share some information with me. I felt like she doesn't trust me, in either if I can keep a secret, or solve a problem, or she was afraid I would increase the problem. This all happened subconsciously and it led me to do things that are completely unrelated, irrelevant, yet, very harmful. I did not think that she could have had other reasons. Maybe she did not want to worry me (which is what I have done to another very close friend many, many times!)? Maybe she thought that she could fix the problem herself because it was very insignificant? Maybe she felt like she needs to solve her own problems? Whatever it is - it does not necessarily reflect what she felt about me. But shaitan came between us and made me feel like that about her. And he made me do stupid things, only days before ramadan started. Alhamdulillah, I think she is an amazing person (again) and I hope I will remember this the next time a misunderstanding happens between us. 

I hope, the negative impacts I have on people are not seen as an effect of Islam. As I said, I am far from being a true Muslim most of the time. A Muslim is a responsible human being who is sensitive to other people's needs, the society's needs and wants, and God's commands. A Muslim is aware of the blessings she has. A Muslim is someone who tries to be a little bit of a better person with every step.

The following hadith is here to make me strong the next time I come and read this. No one has the power to guide, except God, no matter how much we cry. No one has the power to change hearts except Him. So, all I can do is pray for a change of heart, I can't change anything myself. 

In the Sahih, Ibn Al-Musaiyab has reported from his father:

When death approached Abu Talib, Allah's Messenger (May the peace and blessing of Allah be upon him) came to him and found `Abdullah bin Abi Umaiyah and Abu Jahl in his company. The Prophet said, "O uncle, say: 'There is no true god except Allah', a word which will enable me to plead for you with Him." The two of them said, "Would you forsake the religion of (your father) 'Abdul  Muttalib?" The Prophet repeated (the request) and the two of them also repeated (their question). The final word of Abu Talib was about being on the religion of' Abdul-Muttalib and he refused to say: La ilaha ilIa-Allah. The Prophet (May the peace and blessing of Allah be upon him) said, "But I shall continue to pray for your forgiveness as long as I am not prohibited to do so." It was then that Allah the Almighty revealed the verse: "It is not (proper) for the Prophet and those who believe, to ask Allah's forgiveness for theMushrikin even though they be of kin." (9:113)

"Verily, you (O Muhammad) guide not whom you like, but Allah guides whom He wills. And He knows best those who are the guided ones." (28:56)

Words that flowed out while coffee flowed in

I love my windows. I have three huge windows in my room, through which the sunshine bathes me every afternoon I can afford to be lazy. They let shadows play on my walls every night. They overlook layers and layers of the world. I also love my red umbrella. I found it again, after being apart from it for about three months, which felt like three years in my mind. I love my phone too. It fell and got scratched in about ten different places the other day. But I just can't seem to keep to my limits with it! I thought the $19 cap and the $8 messaging pack would be enough, but, apparently, its not. I need to reduce my love for it this Ramadan. And I need to stop my addiction of facebook too.

But I am very pleased to say that my days are becoming somewhat productive. Sometimes, I forget that swimming uphill is extremely difficult, and its very normal to be washed back by a huge wave, but I am trying to remind myself of that more and more often. Right now, I am hating most of my classes at university because my understanding is slowly becoming less and less clear. I need to work out a strategy and just dive into it. Text books are always good, but I think I need to find someone who will clearly explain things to me without that hidden grin that screams out 'I can't believe you don't get this!'. I mean, honestly, yes I do realise that you are smart but I can also see how arrogant you are, Mr T&Co!

Oh well... the world needs arrogant people too, to balance out the humble ones.

Last week, a loud thud woke me up from my deep train-sleep and when I looked down to see if I dropped my phone (again), I realised it was a magnifying glass. Turned out that the old man next to me was using it to read a thick comic book. I smiled at him broadly for brightening my morning, but I think he was too absorbed in his adventure!

Life is truly beautiful when you feel healthy. I am feeling that to my bones, literally. My sinuses hurt due to excessive sniffling. They are probably not just hollow cavities any more. And along with them - my eyes, nose, fingers and stomach are complaining. But I have a strong suspicion that my stomach ache resulted from having one and a half oregano pizzas. I had no choice! They were free!

While I was walking home in the rain, these words popped in my head. I started to sing like no one's around. No one was around.

Walking in the street lights
Bathing in the rain
I'll be glad to tell them my words
Dumping all my pains
In the street...

Etc.

Off to dinner!