We are not the flowers, we're the strangling weeds in the meadow

"I wonder what I'd do if I could wake up every morning with a clean slate
I'd burn through the cities and tear through the towns because there's no deals to make
So break out of the cages, the delicate structures we cling to all our lives
Because we are just the monkeys who fell out of the trees
When we were trying to fly"

There's a reason why the song keeps saying 'pretend' that you're alone now. Because, there's no way that you can truly escape. You can only pretend to escape.

Caterpiller

A was in a different continent for the past three months for her PhD work. In these three months, I talked to her online and on the phone on several occasions, but obviously, only about things that are going on in the surface of our lives. At times, I really missed just going to her room randomly and talking about anything and everything. The thing is, over the years, I have learnt to rely on her so heavily that when she isn't here, I feel kind of lost. We shared a room until I was nineteen. I talked to her about anything and everything for my whole life. I am so used to having my problems solved by her that I struggle to be myself when she isn't there to shadow me. (Just read that sentence again - I sound like the psychopaths I hope to treat one day... :S). I guess what I am trying to say is that my sister is the most special person in my life. I hope Allah rewards her with Jannah for always being there with me. :)

One of my friends from my high school's group of eight is engaged. That makes two of them now; and MP is quite settled with BC by now. That leaves five of us to our singlehood - yet to be scooped away by our princes. I remember when we used to discuss such silliness in high school (and come to think of it, I still discuss such silliness!) - we decided that twenty three is the perfect age for marriage. We also decided that MP will be the first to get a boyfriend (which did come true!). I am pretty sure there were several other things that we decided upon, I just can't remember them. Should've written them down. Its been four years since we were all together in the playground, dreaming our lives away. Its funny - I still feel like I am stuck in my head, in my dreams. It would be interesting (or maybe depressing...) to see how our lives turn out in 5-6 years.

Our princes - funny how every girl wants princes, even though they may not be princesses. I heard a quote once - "If you want a Muhammad, be a Khadija". I am sure this goes for guys as well. Then we grow up and we realise that Romeo and Juliet was just a story. And that reality will probably eventually look something like this: 

But until reality really arrives at our doorsteps, we continue to fill our lives with objects from our dreams.

Tomorrow is Green Scarf Day at UNSW to raise funds for Somalia. The idea is - we turn up in green hijabs (or scarves), bake/buy and donate green food, sell them, buy them, laugh, eat, bond etc - and donate all $$ raised to a specific cause. Its quite a lot of fun, except, I am not going to be there at the stall tomorrow (except to probably buy some fat cells). I told myself I shall study in the library. Its been a while since I wholeheartedly involved myself in something completely unselfish. I think, what selfishness does is - it shrinks your heart. Your heart gets used to only leaving room for yourself, and no more. So, when you try to fit another in there, it becomes hard to handle. But, when you keep trying, and you keep doing things for others, it slowly becomes easy. This is what I have to try to return to when my exams finish (in 3 weeks!).

I just read about one of the best times of my life. I really hope to return to that version (or a better one) of myself some time soon.

Fear of dreaming

Wrote this a few months ago, with a tune! :)

Every time she lets herself dream,
The dream becomes a wondering thought.
She tells herself over and over again
Not to try to reach high, 'cause its a long shot.
There's a huge, huge chance she'll fall,
Shatter into pieces and crawl
back into her cocoon of tears,
Strengthening those unsaid fears.

They say all those things
In the songs they sing
of fairy tales and diamond rings;
Are they ever true
Do they have a clue
of how it goes when times get blue.

'Cause every time the dream is a thought,
It wonders to the edge of her mind.
Starts believing it has wings, while it doesn't,
Leaps in a faith too blind,
And in the huge, dark hole - it drops,
Before it has a chance to stop,
Hits the cold hard ground of reality.


They say all those things
In the songs they sing
of fairy tales and diamond rings;
Are they ever sure
Or just a guess too poor
Attempting to break down closed doors?

They say all those things
In the songs they sing
of fairy tales and diamond rings
Just to make you dream
Just to make it seem
like its not an illusion.

Somewhat nerdy?

Yes, its 2.03 AM, and I really should be studying... instead, I just wrote a lame rhyme. Hope I get to use this on someone someday! xD

When I look at you,
My sympathetic system makes me feel pathetic.
Raising heart rate
Making pupils dilate
It gives me away,
And I look for words that I should say
That won't make you notice
That you make me release
A whole bunch of stuff like dopamine.

When I hear your voice
I have no choice
But to undergo some PVCs,
I try to look busy
But you make me feel dizzy
Like I'd forget my ABCs.
It gives me away,
And I look for words that I should say
That won't make you notice
That you make me release
A whole bunch of stuff like dopamine.