Monday, April 27, 2009

Reflections

I can't handle too much pressure. If I am around ten thousand contradictory ideas, I get confused about which one to believe in. If ten thousand different people come to me with truth in their eyes, I will believe all of them. I can't yet differentiate between what is and what should be. The reality is the reality, but often the reality is not right. My problem is, I often don't know the difference between the wrong reality and the right reality. Maybe its because of my naivity and lack of exposure to both 'right' and 'wrong'. Or maybe its because of too much exposure to the wrong side of reality.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and then attempted to clean up the mess. I fell so many times that by now, picking myself up should've been my special talent. But I still falter and fall further. I get affected by what people say and I just let that get to me. Depending on whether it is a compliment or a criticism, I bask in daydreams or wallow in miseries for the next couple of weeks. I wish I was a bit more 'my own' instead of being so volatile!

I have one and a half days left of the holidays and I have not done what I planned to do. Of course, I did have a few things done here and there, but it wasn't enough. If I don't get stuck right into it the next 12 weeks, there is no way that I will be able to get into medicine anywhere, not even in some hole like Tasmania. I deleted the games from my phone. I just need to get off a few other things and then hopefully I will have no reason not to concentrate. I am trying to get back to Allah the way I did at the end of year 10, but I am faltering there too. But I just have to remember that He loves me like more than anyone loves me.

Here's a hadith to remind me of this later:
A man once came to Prophet Muhammad (s) carrying with him his belongings and a box. He said, "O Prophet! While I was passing through a jungle, I heard the voice of some bird's babies. I took them and put them in this box. The moment I did that, their mother came fluttering round my head."
And the Prophet said, "Put them down". When the man put the box on the ground, the mother of the young birds joined them. Seeing this, the Prophet asked the man who now had a look of surprise on his face, "Are you surprised by the affection of the mother towards her young? I swear by Him (Almighty Allah) who has sent me, surely, God is more loving to his servants than the mother to these young birds. Return these baby birds to the place from where you took them, and let their mother be with them."

And I know that Allah listens to me and He tests the ones He loves. And He tests us by temptations, as well as failure. What happens around us does not matter, what matters is how we respond to it. If we don't respond to temptations, it would only make us stronger.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Bummer!

I am having such a bad day! Honestly, I feel hurt, annoyed and everything else attached to it. I think he had the best intentions when he said I misinterpreted the questions, but I honestly don't believe that lying in a form will get me anywhere. Change the name? I mean, come on! What difference does that make? So what if none of his Hijabi girls got in? Can't that just mean that they weren't good enough?
Anyway, my med app form sucks. My estimated UAI sucks. I'm not going to give this my 110% because that is not physically possible. So I suck. Right now, I just want to dig a hole and bury myself. Or I can just wallow. Its easier.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Today is the tomorrow I worried about yesterday - II

Its a little after 3 pm on a Friday afternoon and my mood just swung to happiness. According to my calculations, I did about five hours of solid school work. In fact, I've been doing school work the whole day since quarter to eight, with a little bit of breaks here and there. I actually got quite a bit of maths done, read about ten pages of Frankie and understood the beginning of topic three in economics. It doesn't sound much, but I think its better to work at this pace if I am consistent. I have already planned what to do with the rest of the work that I urgently need to get done. I got rid of songs that would make me want to plunge right back into wallowing from my play list and filled it with mostly happy songs. I also made a list of things I need to do to get rid of the last bit of the blues I have in my mind. There is no point in looking back towards what's gone when I have a whole new world filled with possibilities. Even though I got irritated by B's comment about no one being able to help me if I don't help myself, I know its true. And there is no worse way of becoming unhelpful than to keep looking backwards. I enjoy the artistic side of life, the whole emotional side, but I probably have to ignore that side for the next six months, until I secure the place I want for myself in the world. I know that I can improve on my UMAT scores, because I have already seen proofs of that. If I understand everything and do enough past papers, can't I pull my estimated UAI up to 98? Its a long way to go, maybe at least 97? I wouldn't mind getting into any university (except probably somewhere in Tasmania, or NZ, or Western Australia, or...), as long as I get into Medicine. In fact, I'd be over the moon if I get into UWS. My second choice, right now, is University of Queensland, because their course requirement sounds reasonable too. Of course, I'd faint with excitement if I get into Monash or UNSW, but I won't be disappointed if I don't. My dreams are not that wild yet.
OK! Enough rambling about what might not even happen. Let's see what else Mr Keynes came up with. :S

Good luck!

Getting a chance is a miracle. Taking that chance and doing your best is expected.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Beautiful Mess

I talked to Sarah for the first time since I came back from Bangladesh. She's a girl who expresses a lot through her face, so it was a bit uncomfortable to talk to her over the phone. After a few small talk, I told her 'the news'. She was quite for a moment, most probably shocked, and then asked, 'what? how? when?'. I couldn't answer very clearly. The same thing happened when I talked to Mish about it - I simply couldn't say any thing. During weak moments, it seems like I made the wrong decision at the wrong time. It happened so quickly that I didn't have time to think about it. But then, I don't think I wanted to think about it, because if I did, I would probably not have done it. Do I want to change it now? No. I think if I take a step back, I would continually take more steps backwards and eventually end up where I started. Sarah asked me about my dreams. Did I just scrunch up those huge ideas and chuck them in the bin? I told her I did, because there is no point in dreaming if is never going to happen. But I think I still clutch on to those somewhere and bring them out in those weak moments. Like last night - my legs felt like expired jelly from excruciating stomach ache and walking home after a tiring day, the language of Frankenstein was irritating me and I felt frustrated about life in general. I just curled up with a wheat bag and imagined what life would've been like. I assume a lot of things in my dreams and create perfection. This is not a great thing to do, because it causes disappointment when reality hits. Nonetheless, its like a drug - its fun and makes you forget reality, temporarily. Anyway, the point is, I took a step to clear up the mess I created, no matter how beautiful and enjoyable the mess was, because if I did not clear it now, I would have had to do it when the mess grew a lot more. In fact, I probably could never do it. I don't regret taking the step. I just wish the past would vanish from our memories, or we would change to suit the future that I dream about. Neither is possible.

I was listening to a song from Jason Mraz's album in the plane on our way back to Australia, it was called 'A Beautiful Mess'. The song wasn't very appropriate for the perfectly unmessy view out the window, but the way Mraz sang it kept me listening. I don't think I completely understand the song, but the style seemed so familiar that it felt like it was written by someone I really know. Especially the way he says 'dear', and uses innocent words in an innocent voice. The sad note in his voice also adds to the whole effect.

You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like we're picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are

Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging

And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses

Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.


Why do I feel so nostalgic today? The soundtrack of 'Cars' is to blame.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Jumping, running, jogging thoughts

Today was MedEntry workshop day 1. The instructor graduated from Monash in 2001, is young, charismatic, and probably rich. He graduated from high school with a ENTER score of 99.95 (equivalent to 100 uai) and gained a scholarship to study in Monash. He seemed like one of those people who treats everyone equally and serves without judgment. Basically, I added him to my respected people's list, just under Steven. He made me realise that I really need to train and do well in the UMAT because besides increasing my chances of studying Medicine, it will also give me some life skills that I lack and am in dire need of. Section 1 requires critical thinking and the ability to do it quickly.

Section 2 requires an open, honest mind, with no judgmental views. I am supposed to empathise with others and come up with sincere solutions. One of the things he said when talking about this section was: 'Honest people can see honesty in others.' He also told us about Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence is a term that covers gigantic concepts, most of which is summarised in Wiki. To cut a long story short, the next time you try to figure out how 'smart' someone is, check out their EQ, instead of IQ.
Section 3 is just convoluted, but fun, and it gives me a sense of satisfaction when I can correctly answer the questions. The preparation for the interview increases communication skills and again, forces a person to think before they talk. I think this process is excellent, because it separates purest from the rest. I really, really want to be part of the purest, but I am afraid I might not be.
I think the course itself will also grind out any alloys in the pure substance. If I can survive, I think I can become the person I always wanted to become. I think I am way too excited and jittery to write down exactly what I meant to say. This happens when I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel just got a bit brighter. Basically, I feel like there is hope. I know that sounds really corny, but corny thoughts work for me. They pull me out of the depression in my imagination, and plonk me back in reality, where you can't keep wallowing, thinking that life sucks because this this this this happened, but you actually try to fix it so that the reality gets a little bit better.

I read a beautiful verse this morning from Surah Nur. The more I am reading the Surah, the more I am loving it, because it is so full of wisdom. But the best verse so far is verse 35: Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The example of His light is like niche within which is a lamp; the lamp is within glass, the glass as if it were a pearly white star lit from the oil of a blessed olive tree, neither of the east not the west, whose oil would almost glow even if untouched by fire. Light upon light. Allah guides to His light whom He wills. And Allah presents examples for the people, and Allah is Knowing of all things.

The first time I read it, I simply admired the beauty of the words. If the translation is so beautiful, imagine what the real words would be like! But then I realised, I did not understand the meaning at all. And so I realised the importance of reading Tafseers, again. From what I understand of it now, it means something like this: Light is the purest thing humans know, so Allah describes himself as the Light. But since He is unlimited in all of His attributes, He is beyond our understanding. So the way humans see Him is like a seeing a lamp through glass. The idea of olive oil is used here because apparently vegetable oil is the most efficient in providing light, above fossil fuels and others. And the olive tree is neither from the east or the west because Allah is Omnipresent. I want to research this verse more when I have time because I am sure there is more to it than my limited understanding can hold right now. It is so beautiful, I should do it as much justice as I can!

My thoughts are rushing from here to there today, so I just wanted to make someone else's thoughts rush too, in a good way. It is a wonderful feeling when you don't get stuck in the same thought, or explore a thought too deep, especially when that thought is not very pleasant. In any case, I think thinking too deeply about problems is a waste of time. Why not just fix it?

Thursday, April 09, 2009

E boyoshe pran tibro ar prokhor!



I have officially stepped into adulthood. I don't exactly feel anything, I certainly don't feel any more mature. My school friends threw me a food party two days ago, in which the five of us ate our grief away. We were all bored and depressed after the economics results came out, so the party was not too much of a success. (But the chocolate mudcake and pods were worth it!) Then an unexpected card from Justine, covered in pictures of chocolates as well! I think up until I came home, that was my best gift, because it came as a surprise. I figured I absolutely love surprises. If you tell me you will buy me a car, I don't think I would be as happy as if you stick an unexpected post-it note on my maths book.

So I came home, depressed, looking forward to my sleep. But my holiday mode kicked in and I decided to sprawl on the sofa and watch TV. I also made lasagna today, dubbed 'kick-ass lasagna' by the person who created the recipe. It really was a kick-ass lasagna, everyone loved it! I love the genuine look of enjoyment in faces. By the end of dinner, only two pieces were left (by force - ma wanted to save them for the next day.) I think I had a stupid smile hovering on my face the whole time.

My next unexpected gift was the gift from my family - a phone. I didn't expect it to be something so huge, so I was over the moon at the idea. Apuni reminded me again how loved and spoilt I am by everyone in my family. I know I am, but I often forget. I feel ashamed to think that I chose to scream at my mother instead of arguing with a stranger. I know I have hurt them, probably more than ever in the last few days. I know I don't have any excuse to do so, because they are the closest people to me.

I don't want to be scared, I don't want to cry and feel sorry for myself. I hope this next year will be as colourful as Shukanto described it to be. I hope I will grow up, shrink at the waistline, fit more beauties in my heart, become organised and responsible, and get closer to Him, a little more. Please pray so that I can live up to my age.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Updates

1. I have 45 minutes to write this, but most probably I'd leave in about 10. The end of daylight savings (or is it the beginning?) just shortened my day to about six pm. But it also gave me an extra hour in the morning, which means, I have less of a chance of being late to my morning classes. But then, this is ME.
2. Our internet and phone line is dead.
3. I lost my mobile, most probably in the train.
4. Since my internet, home phone and mobile are all inactive, my mind is wondering in less space. I actually concentrated in Steven's class and answered questions. I also ticked more than one things off my to-do list, which is a miracle.
5. I have 'miracle' written in henna on my hand, in Chinese. Its beautiful. I had to go to three different people to get this done.
6. I think I have a hidden talent in spraying other people's hair with vibrant colours. Details later.
7. My eighteenth birthday, a night of full moon, and good friday, is coming up in four days.

I figured the best I can do right 'now' now, is just give my best into what I am doing and hope and pray for the best. If I try to get something, and I put my effort in it, and I ask God, why wouldnt I get it? a) It's not good for me. b) I'll get the reward for persevering in Jannah.

So if I get it, or I get a), or I get b), it should be enough. So why worry?