Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

The world is going more and more haywire. In Bangladesh, joint police forces are silently shooting members of a political party at night and managing to keep a great percentage of the nation unaware by blocking anti-government materials from going into national news. This is on top of some of the bizarre things that happened in the past, like the massacre from 5th November 2012, or hanging a person without trial and getting most of the nation to rejoice at the torture, setting up secret torture cells in university student accommodations and torturing youth from that particular political party. Israel has increased flooding in Gaza by opening a dam, on top of bombing the strip frequently, and is now denying any 'allegations' of the existence of the dam existing. Rape is one of the most prominent horrors in the Syrian war. I still have images of Rohingyans fleeing from burning homes stuck in my mind, but the existence of the oppression is unknown to most of the world.

I think the biggest challenge for us now is that truth and untruth are almost inseparable. Some people so fiercely believe in a lie, even though it goes against all logic and history that I feel like I need to be able to be so well versed in both of those areas that I can dispel them head on if they come my way. But my memory is so bad that I find myself fumbling when confronted with a misconception, which gives a very wrong idea to the other person. But I guess this is one of those things that I need to try to target and fix. Sitting and brooding about injustices do nothing except make one feel more and more helpless, leading to learned helplessness. There are lots of things that we would not be able to fix by ourselves, but there are lots of ways that we can contribute in the fixing up. I heard this story in some lecture ones - a man was walking along the shore and throwing washed up starfish back into the ocean, one starfish at a time. Someone asked him why he is doing so, and whether he is really making any difference at all, he replied with something like, 'I am making a difference to every starfish I save.' Although I don't entirely agree with the concept (i.e.: I don't think it's enough that we save individual lives. We need to be involved in collective efforts in bringing long term, large scale changes.), I agree with the sentiments of it. All we can do is our part.

I talked to Miffy today - she is so inspiring! She is one of those people who believe in constant improvement and actually goes for it. She pulled me out of the misery bubble I built around myself for the past few days (the bubble of learned helplessness). She told me some very important things:
- To take some solid goals for next year in terms of what I want to achieve. I have, of course, done this in the previous years, but I've always restricted myself to personal goals. Miffy reminded me to take goals about the projects I take on as well.
- Your duas reflect what things are important to you. If you are not praying for it, you are not giving it enough importance. (My sis told me this the other day too. She told me to "turn my worries into duas".)
- Whenever something gets tedious, renew your intention.

I am feeling super relaxed right now. I finally lit the candle that Emu gave me ages ago - not sure why I was saving it. It is forcasted to rain tomorrow, after the burning heat from the past two days. My windows are open, so I can feel the light, rainy breeze. And I'm listening to Lauren King's acapellas. I should do this more often. I realised, I am okay with having lots of people near me as long as I get some alone time to clear my mind. Otherwise people get to my nerves.

So yeah. Back to who I was before. Balance.

 

Butterflies and rainbows are fake

Marriage is an entirely different concept in Islam than it's current idea in society. In the West, marriage is just a whole lot of papers that don't really mean anything more than an exchange of money. In the East, a lot of it still has to do with forming bonds between two families, and very little has to do with the two people involved. Of course that's a very black-and-white version, but that's basically what a lot of it boils down to. Personally, if I wasn't Muslim, I probably wouldn't bother with marriage either - love and commitment can be established in so many other ways than just signing in a few places.

But in Islam, marriage is much, much more. Islam is something that works best when it is practised as a whole, instead of bits and pieces here and there. It contains guidelines for something so personal as how to get over sadness as well as something so global as how to rule a nation. An integral part of the system is the family unit, which made much more sense to me when I was studying developmental psychology. When a child grows up with a good home environment, he/she has a much lesser chance of committing crime or developing psychological disorders. The family unit starts with a marriage. Marriage is the basis of building a society in Islam. The other issue with our current society is that we are very detached from other people and each of us have a huge personal space. In a marriage, people learn to share that space, so they are constantly faced with challenges that they need to learn to overcome. But, marriage is also about supporting each other. When two people work together to achieve a shared goal, they can stop each other from veering off in the wrong direction and be motivational to each other.

But when Islam is mixed in with culture, both Western and Eastern, that is when problems occur. When Easter cultures are brought in, the 'pride factor' from parents enter the equation. It's no longer purely about two people being compatible with each other in terms of personality, intellect and physical attraction - it also becomes about family status', wealth and even something so mundane as skin colour. The Western culture brings its own Hollywood-like expectations which teaches young people that relationships are all about love and rainbows, 10% problems and 90% excitement. I am guilty of this as well, so I know how easy it is to fall into such traps. But seriously, at some point, people need to open their eyes and observe real life relationships and realise that after a while, the butterflies kinda die in your stomach.

Everything is a test and a blessing, people, EVERYTHING.

End of rant.

Awkward Encounters

It's sort of like walking straight into someone, then moving out of the way for them, only to face them again because they have also attempted to move out of the way and in the end you two end up doing a little dance. Except, when the encounters are initiated by you, and half way through it, neither you nor the other person know where you are going with your banter. You can feel your face burning, but since you are the one who initiated the meeting, you can't exactly run off with an excuse. You realise that you two live in entirely different books, let alone ever being in the same page. Difference is scary when it people are okay with where they are and are not willing to change, but then, maybe the other person is thinking the exact same thing about you.

Note to self: only converse with a purpose!

It's such a beautiful day out today. Yesterday was very different - it was raining heavily, I had an exam, I was scared out of my wits. I had a lovely day though, despite it's emotional lows. The coffee shop I went to had a smiling person behind the counters, who called me "miss" and used sentences like "it's my pleasure". People genuinely smiled, despite (or because of?) the rain. There's something about well made coffee that just makes everything better. Speaking of which, today's one was horrible.

I should study for my last exam.

And they come unstuck

Six years, seven months and four days ago!

Struggling to swim

I only remember fragments of my life before Australia. I remember daydreaming a lot, which I still do. I remember not being able to concentrate in memorisation - still am not. I don't remember being fussy about the way I look. I guess that's because I used to fit the general criteria of what was considered to be 'pretty' - which should not really matter to a ten year old anyway (but it often does, especially when kids get bullied for it, or rather, the lack of it). My grades were not great, but I was good at understanding English, attended a good school and generally picked things up faster than others. So, I had neither a low or inflated self esteem about my intelligence. When I came to Australia, I was considered to be one of the smart ones, though it was expected because schools in Bangladesh make kids work harder - it was new to me. I went through the next five years of schooling with the mentality that I was, indeed, one of the smarter kids. :)

This kind of got crushed once I changed schools in 2008. As one of my teachers put it - the new kids at this new school were used to being the big fish in little ponds, and all of a sudden, are thrown into the ocean, where they aren't so big any more. Before this, I was used to putting in very little effort in my school work, but the effort I put in was done with enthusiasm. The last 2 years of schooling drained every last bit of enthusiasm I had towards structured learning. But, I must've put in some kind of effort, because I ended up with a mark that said I was somewhere just below average in my school, but way above average in the state. However, my efforts were overshadowed by the stress of meeting expectations, so if I was given the choice of re-living those two years - I most definitely would not do it!

In the first semester of university - I remember studying hard for chemistry. I enjoyed maths up to a particular point. I hated one of the other compulsory classes that we had to do, but it was so easy that I ended up with a distinction anyway. My marks reflected each subject accordingly. I hated the 2nd semester of my first year - the subjects that I was doing probably required a lot more effort on my part than was given, but I was very unmotivated because I absolutely hated physics and optics (a combination of maths and physics). The other two subjects were chemistry and bio - and although I liked chemistry up until that point, I don't really know what happened - things probably got too hard and I gave up. Bio - I have always had a love-hate relationship with it. The system that was put in our bodies is complex and fascinating, which is why I love knowing about it, but hate learning it because it requires a lot of memorisation.

The next semester was a good one. My fourth semester at uni saw another dip in performance - at that point, I thought I wanted to major in both neuroscience and psychology. Neuroscience required anatomy and pharmacology - both of which required memorisation of terms that I could not have memorised even if I had to save my life. I ended up dropping anatomy early. And needless to say, my pharm results were horrible. It probably did not help that at that time some personal challenges were also brimming to the top. So, I was faced with challenges in both my academic and personal lives, and not being able to handle them perfectly broke my spirit, quite a bit.

The challenges that I faced in the next two semesters - last year - was pretty well documented here, I think. I keep talking about them. All the time. I should really stop. (butinsummaryitwasacombinationofchallengesinacademicpersonalandworklives)

So why am I analysing my failures?

I had a job interview the other day. I haven't done too many interviews, but, in terms of my work life, I generally always got the jobs I wanted. I really wanted this particular one, but I got a rejection call the other day.

It made me think about how my failures have shaped me. I tend to attach myself to ideas (that horrible habit of daydreaming!) and when things don't go the way I imagined them to go, I get terribly disappointed. Of course, this is a natural humane response. But, I forget to remember that my days are numbered. I can't exactly do anything about my past failures except to accept them, because expecting perfection will set me up for more disappointments in the future. All I can do now, is focus on things that matter - things that'll prepare me for the absolute long term and things that I can control. Is this a defense mechanism? Maybe. But if we don't employ any kind of mechanisms to defend our hearts, the world will break it before we know it. And it's much harder to put broken pieces back together than to save a fragile, but intact thing. 

Rainy days and Mondays

i have an exam tomorrow it is raining i am having my first coffee in two days and it feels strangely refreshing my room is a mess and it has not been such a mess in about a week or two so the mess feels intrusive there are always too many people in our house so i would rather study at the library but i hate walking in the rain with a deadline in mind so i would rather not go to the library i also do not know what shoes i should wear when i go out because all my shoes seem to be drenched because they were left out in the rain accidentally i also accidentally dropped in a few blocks of cooking chocolate in my coffee so it should taste like mocha but i cannot yet taste the chocolate maybe i will be able to taste it at the end all at once my mum keeps waking up in the middle of the night and is not able to go back to sleep out of worrying about some things that she cannot control and she cannot control her sleeping patterns either or the way she feels she feels dizzy from time to time and feels like she would faint she is such a strong woman that i have never heard her say things like this before on top of that she is fasting today i am worried about her i have been sleeping too much lately because when i start to worry about things i cannot control i feel that i should forget about them and the easiest way to forget is to lose consciousness and all other methods of losing consciousness besides sleeping are haram so i have been sleeping a lot i have a song stuck in my head it goes how do you like your eggs in the morning i like mine with a kiss up or down something something frown as long as i get my kiss how do you like your toast in the morning i like mine with a hug dark or light the world is alright as long as i get my hug little z knocked on my door this morning and started calling me she has not done that in a while she had one of my magnets and wanted to put it on my whiteboard then she saw a few other things in my messy room and started exploring she saw the fan and screamed out fan and wanted me to turn it on but i told her it was too cold then she saw an empty juice packet and pretended to drink juice she makes me laugh then she climbed into my bed with me and saw my phone and wanted to call her mum but when her mum did not pick up we went through my photos and she named all the people she knew she especially loved seeing photos of little m my coffee is beginning to taste a little like mocha now but it is also beginning to finish i should really clean my room and while i am at it i should clean up my life too are you still reading is this annoying it is still raining i have my first exam tomorrow i really wanted to do well this semester because i really would like to graduate as soon as possible but then as soon as i started studying a lot i also had a fear at the back of my mind that my efforts will not pay off and so i started sleeping a lot because i did not like having that thought because that thought is neither legitimate nor illegitimate and since i could neither prove nor disprove it immediately it lingered but i know that if i do not do something about it today i would terribly regret it tomorrow in fact i probably will still regret things tomorrow but heck at least i will not regret it as much as i would have if i do not do some work now i read a story by scott fitzgerald he is the guy who wrote a great gatsby i hated a great gatsby because gatsby is a pathetic loser who has no life his entire life revolves around waiting for a girl he also wrote the curious case of benjamin button which had an interesting plotline but also had that element of lost love the short story that i read was called a new leaf and it too had that element this guy must have been dumped really badly there is a movie about his life i should watch it but i really liked one quote from the story i actually liked a few quotes but this one quote is what drew me to finding the whole story in the first place it goes her heart sank into her shoes as she realised at last how much she wanted him no matter what his past was no matter what he had done which was not to say  that she would ever let him know but only that he moved her chemically more than anyone else she had ever met i liked the quote because i can relate to it very well in the sense that for the longest time i have not met anyone who has moved me more chemically than anyone else i had ever met a lot of the times it does not have to be someone of the opposite gender that you are romantically attracted to like this woman in the story it can just be a friend but they must be interesting enough to change you beyond who you used to be although if it is someone of the opposite gender then romantic attraction is definitely the way to go because friendzone is actually a horrible place to live in so this is how thoughts run through my head without full stops or semi colons is this how thoughts run through your head too are you still reading is this annoying i need to go and brush my teeth it stopped raining but i still have an exam tomorrow.

Lessons for the future

• You cannot, ever, change the past. So, while you are in the present, don't do anything, that you know with certainty, that you will regret in the future.
• If you take a decision that you believe to be the best at one particular point, know that it is okay. Even if the result doesn't turn out as you expect.
• Try your best, or maybe, try to try your best. Nothing in this world is guaranteed. But if you don't try to try your best, you will have no excuses against your future self's regret.
• Everything is relative. You will always be a little smarter than someone and a little more stupid than someone else. Everything is a gift and a test from Allah, and you can only work with what you have.
• Don't intentionally hurt people. But know that you can never make every single person happy. And that is okay.
• Implement little, positive changes in your life, every day. 
• Know that you can die at any moment.

I know. I'm kind of boring already. Implementing these lessons will make me more boring. Oh well. 

A whole bunch of updates

I need to meet some new people. I seem to be talking to the same two or three people all the time- not that it's a bad thing- I love those people. But the less people that you expose yourself to, the less you remember that everyone is different, the more judgmental you become (or seem). The more that happens, the stronger your bubble grows. And you eventually spiral into a socially awkward mess. Socially awkward people can be cute, but they can also be uncomfortably... awkward. So yeah, I need some fresh faces in my life. The problem with being twenty-two is that you already know so many people that you should be spending time with but can't find the time to spend time with. Uni, work, family, uni, uni,  the internet - they all guilt trip you into thinking that you don't have enough time for them, so how on earth will you ever have time for newness?

I recently remembered how much I used to love public speaking in high school. I liked it because you could say some words, which, if they were different enough, or relateable enough, and spoken with the right kinda emotions - could change someone else's perspective, even if it's in a very tiny way. I have an opportunity to speak for sixty seconds about a pretty interesting topic, on Monday. I am really looking forward to it - I haven't spoken about something silly in front of an audience for a very long time!

We Skyped with nanu today. Her Skype sound wasn't working properly, so we had to speak on the phone simultaneously. Nanu is one of the most real person I've ever come across. She doesn't have a pretentious bone in her body, which is why I don't feel the need of filling up silent moments with her. I can just look at her face and keep quite, and know that she will talk if she has something in her mind, otherwise, she will just sit there and look back too. She always asks me where I am with my uni degree. It's always the same answer, but she seems okay with that. She takes everything matter-of-factly. She doesn't really talk about dreams, and I love that. I love the fact that she is an eighty-three year old woman who has learnt so much from life that she knows that worldly dreams can be crushed so bad that they are often irrelevant. I hate it when I come across adults who learn nothing from life.

My sister recommended a book to me - Organised for Life. It's for people who were not born organised, but want to reform themselves - ie: not my mother, but me. I can live with a decent level of mess I suppose (another one of my numerous qualities that is socially seen as something guys would have)... but I also suppose life becomes easier if you learn to live without it. I don't see myself turning into a clean freak who can't see a speck of dust on her furniture any time soon, but I can see the difference in my room already. One of the tips the author gave was to clean for 15 mins per day. So, I've started that yesterday - I set a 15-min-timer and start cleaning - and yes, it's working. :) (I know.. too early to tell.. but why so negative?!)

One of my friends dubbed me as 'Emma' last year - for my great enthusiasm in pairing people up, providing couples counselling and other Emma kinda stuff. I was talking to TA about this today, and I realised, I am no longer Emma. In fact, currently, I am so far from Emma and that it would be an insult to Jane Austen to call me Emma. I have learnt to stay as far away as I can from couples. TA said she had a similar experience where she felt 'scarred' by the effect that she had on a relationship - and I can relate to that so well. Even though a lot of our actions are well meaning, they have consequences that turn into nightmares and subconsciously change your perceptions so dramatically that people that met you before your change find it very hard to recognise you.

I finished watching the Lizzie Bennet Diaries today. It's a clever vlog adaptation of Pride and Prejudice - and although the acting is a little awkward at times, they did a very good job of it. The casting was great and fit the roles - the skeptic Lizzie, nice Jane, (super)hot Wickham - all of it. So yeah, I finished all hundred episodes in about three days. I've also been watching Vlogbrothers - they have an amazing outlook on life and seem to be able to summarise anything in about five minutes.

I should get a cup of tea and get back to learning about Sensation and Perception - a subject that sounds very philosophical and fun, but is just philosophical and tedious.

Dat hippy feeling

I am currently helping ma write portfolio comments, which shouldn't be that hard because she teaches year two, but is turning out to be extremely tedious. She works under a perfectionist who believes that her way is the only right way, which stresses my mum out. So, even though these kids might grow up and completely forget about whether their teacher wrote that they were 'very good' or 'competent' at addition when they were seven years old, at this point, it is extremely important to their teacher. So, even though I don't see a point in being meticulous in such a trivial thing, I must treat it with utmost importance.

That's the thing about love - we may never see the purpose of a certain action, we may never want to take that particular action even if it kills me - but we do it because it would make someone we love, happy. Someone told me something years ago, and it stuck with me - do little things for your parents, and it'll make them incredibly happy. My life is an example of the truth of this. I am yet to achieve something amazing that they can proudly wear around their neck like a medal. But they smile when they see me. And that makes me happy.

I always analyse my life, happiness, purpose, balance and all that jazz. So, today's conclusion is, we must think about the big stuff - the big tests, the world, our place in it. But that doesn't mean we cannot enjoy the little things that come with it. In fact, being grateful about the little things works very much in coherence with working towards the big things. You learn to complain less, are thankful for the good that God provided for you, patient through the hardships because you know that someone else is suffering a little more, and also a little thankful for the hardships because you know that they'll only make things better for the future if you respond to them with the right attitude.

Abez sez

I recently came across this blog from an article in Muslim Matters. The more I read it, the more I like the person behind it. She is married to someone she calls "HF" - the Husband Friend - because she is married to him, who also happens to be her best friend. She has three children, the oldest has Autism. Her mother is a Mormon and she lives (lived?) in Abu Dhabi - an extremely hot place. I read a bit of her husband's blog too and he seems to have the sense of humour that she has. I like this couple for a few reasons:

- They have a lot of tests in their life, but they are handling with humour.
- They communicate - very clearly.

She seems to live the phrase "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade". She is also anti-praise (when it's done in front of people), so I hope she never comes across this post.

She is making me think about how I have a tendency to analyse every situation that befalls me, and how I have been excusing my way out of taking actions. My life is not that horrible. Even when it becomes that horrible, which it inevitably will sometime, I just need to make lemonade. Because this life is not all.

And right now I need to stop being lazy, get off my sorry backside and brush my teeth.

"It’s easy to slip up- not in the “Why Me?” sense, but “Why Khalid?”and “Why Autism?” And I must remind myself that Khalid is my test, and autism is Khalid’s test. And it’s just a test. And after it’s all over, and the believers and the righteous are finally in Jannah, it will be asked of them whether they had ever suffered in this life. And they will swear that they never had, because the suffering we feel in this life is so minute, and so brief, compared to the reward and the contentment and peace and the perfection and resolution of Jannah. I desperately hope I’m included in that group, and I desperately hope that Khalid is as well."

How a Muslim sees the world

I need to come up with a research idea for one of my subjects. Initially, I felt quite daunted. Even though science fascinates me, even though I'd like to think that I do well in this area, I know that I'm not a scientist at heart. I cannot begin a research, continue with it, cope with rejection after rejection yet spend my entire life trying to find the answer to one (small) question. I have great respect for those who do, though. So, after I've swallowed my fear and started my research, I began to enjoy it. I'm researching into schizophrenia - a disorder with many factors influencing it. It is not merely genetic, environmental, or that the brain isn't wired correctly -- it is a mixture of ALL of those. We still don't know exactly what causes it, but there are lots of hypotheses, possibly that lots of different chemical pathways interact with each other and are dysfunctional. So, currently, I'm researching into the chemical pathways that potentially are going wrong. Which makes one think, when so many things could have potentially gone wrong, a person without schizophrenia (or other mental disorders) is very, very lucky. Because, all of those pathways are working correctly, all of the factors are matching up, everything just happened to have fell into their places. 

I know a few people who have schizophrenia in their families. When something is personal to you, it changes the entire notion. I am looking at this disorder from a scientific point of view. To me, its a bunch of chemicals and numbers. To them, its living with the symptoms every single day, not knowing when things will change for the better or worse. Some tiny changes in the brains of a few people (approx 1% of the world population) can elicit so many things from so many people - sadness, anxiety, fear as well as hope. We hope that its something we can eventually understand, as we have done with so many disorders in the past. But in the mean time, things will remain as it is. For people who have someone close to them suffering from schizophrenia, its very normal for them to want to shut it out. Whenever we have something difficult in our lives, the first response is the wish for it to go away, and when you know that it won't go away, you want to get away from it. 

But the important thing to remember is that we will always have difficulties in our lives. Regarding our life is this world, Islam says:

• It's a test.

• And surely We shall try you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and crops... (2:155)

• He Who created Death and Life, that He may try which of you is best in deed... (67:2)

•  and most certainly We shall try you all... (47:31)

• Everything in this world is set up in accordance to the idea of a test, thus, everything is somewhat of an illusion.

• Every soul will taste death, and you will only be given your [full] compensation on the Day of Resurrection. So he who is drawn away from the Fire and admitted to Paradise has attained [his desire]. And what is the life of this world except the enjoyment of delusion. (3:185)

• And the worldly life is not but amusement and diversion; but the home of the Hereafter is best for those who are conscious of God , so will you not reason?

• And this worldly life is not but diversion and amusement. And indeed, the home of the Hereafter - that is the [eternal] life, if only they knew. (29:64)

• [This] worldly life is only amusement and diversion. (47:36)

• But little is the enjoyment of the life of this world as compared to the hereafter.” (9:38)

• This world is temporary.

• On the authority of Ibn Umar, may Allah be pleased with both of them, who said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) took hold of my shoulder and said, ‘Be in the world as if you were a stranger or a traveller along the path.” And ibn Umar would say, “If you survive till late afternoon, do not expect [to be alive in] the morning. If you survive till morning, do not expect [to be alive in] the late afternoon. Take from your health before your sickness and your life before you death.”(Recorded in al-Bukhari)

• We need to make the best of this world, in making it a better place, even if our own lives are temporary. We cannot be selfish people who spend their lives behind closed doors and pray, because they are too much of a coward to face the challenges of the world. This is part of the test.

• Anas ibn Malik (may Allāh be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said, “If the Final Hour comes while you have a palm-cutting in your hands and it is possible to plant it before the Hour comes, you should plant it.” [Al-Abani]

• Abu Hurairah narrated that Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said,"When a man dies, his good deeds come to an end except three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge, and righteous offspring who will pray for him." (Muslim)

• Abu Hurairah narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "The good deeds that will reach a believer after his death are: knowledge which he learned and then spread; a righteous son whom he leaves behind; a copy of the Qur'an that he leaves as a legacy; a mosque that he built; a house that he built for wayfarers; a canal that he dug; or charity that he gave during his lifetime when he was in good health. These deeds will reach him after his death." (Ibn Majah — authenticated by Al-Albani)

• We need to do our part in solving a problem we face.
• Anas reported that a person asked the messenger of Allah, “Should I tie my camel and have Tawakkul (trust in Allah for her protection) or should I leave her untied and have Tawakkul?” the messenger of Allah, “Tie her and have Tawakkul.” (Hasan) [Jami At-Tirmidhi]

And the most important thing that I like reminding myself of is:

With difficulty comes ease. (94:5)

Since this life isn't always fair, the ease may or may not come in this life. But, in keeping our world view in mind, we know that, no matter what, will will definitely get ease. Soon.

So, every time we face something difficult, there's 2 things we need to do:

- Return to the Being who is in control of everything in the world and ask Him to guide us to the correct decision, make things easy for us.

- Take productive steps towards solving the problem. If one thing doesn't work, we try another. Then another, then another. Until it works.

Here's an article from ProductiveMuslim that I found while trying to find verses - I loved the tips given here!

http://productivemuslim.com/7-things-to-do-in-times-of-hardship/

Kindness

The power of words frequently amazes me - the way they can slice you to pieces and also sew up a wound. One of my friends once described communication as something that changes you, because it causes a change in the chemicals in your brain, so, after talking with someone, you become a slightly different person to who you were before the conversation. To be able to effectively communicate is half the battle in anything. If you can articulate your problems in words, then you will know what the problem exactly is, and then you can solve it. It amazes me because we use it so much, so many words, but most of us don't stop to think about the effect of the words we are using.

I recently heard an argument where one person accused another person of saying something, possibly years ago. The boy remembered what the girl said, because it really hurt him, but the girl forgot it entirely and denied it. In another interaction I was present in, one of the people said some things to the other person that didn't seem to be too much of a big deal to the person who said it, but to me, seemed to be poisonous and numbing. If someone said those words to me, I would probably feel crippled, become clinically depressed and then turn into a psychopath. This made me think about some of the bridges I burnt in the past with my words. I deliberately burnt some of them, and others were just burnt due to my stupidity. And, when I was reminded of some of the things I said during some of those times, it made me cringe. And I realised that no matter what I do, I can't take the words back. It doesn't matter if I'm nice to that person for the next ten years - it won't take away the poison from the words I've already used.

Sometimes I forget that kindness isn't just something that used to exist in the past. No matter what happens, we should still hold onto that side of us that make people smile and love.

The prophet said: “Nothing will be heavier on the Day of Resurrection in the Scale of the believer than good manners. Allah hates one who utters foul or coarse language.” (Tirmidhi)

Making sense of the nonsensical nature of life

I just found something I wrote about a year ago, when I was trying to reconcile my anger against injustices of the world, and trying to be okay inside. 

"You are wasting your time in unhappiness. Just be happy, find peace within yourself. There's a difference between being happy and getting everything you want. There is also a difference between feeling peace inside you in happiness, and feeling angry due to injustice to others. Peace comes when you let go of the injustices you feel against your own self in order to attain something greater. So, you don't need to get everything you want. You don't need to let go of fighting against injustice in the world. You just need to find that fine line called balance. "

I'm not sure whether I had that balance a year ago, or whether I was struggling to get it. I don't know whether I ever had that balance for more than a few days. And, I realised, at this point, I don't know how to gain and sustain it (did I ever know?). It must be possible, somehow, I just don't know how yet. 

I'm not sure if other people (who read this blog) feel this way, but recently, I have been unable to control how I feel. I start to feel sad in the middle of doing something absolutely ordinary, or angry at a person who does not deserve it at all. I am not the first person to feel like this, obviously. However, the problem is, I am not entirely sure about why this is happening. To fix any problem, the first thing we need to do is figure out the main reason behind it. But, I've thought of a few possibilities:

- My excessive caffeine intake (This was funny at one point, but I think the balanced tipped to the other side in the last few days, when I found myself consuming four cups of coffee for a few days).

- Babies, babies everywhere. I have a nephew now! So, I currently live with two tiny human beings. That must've done something to my emotional system, right?

- I keep coming across things that make me lose hope in the world. People losing faith, psychopaths going on killing sprees, our complicated political system which is trapping us into thinking that we're doing just fine living our life like zombies. 

- I've lost career directions again.

As someone who studies psychology, I know that any random person cannot diagnose someone else to have a psychological disorder. I also know that each of us can exhibit certain symptoms of certain disorders, but it does not mean that we have it/them. It just means that we have to target the specific symptom and come up with a plan to fix it up. If it doesn't go away with regulating sleep, food and a healthy amount of interactions with friends and family, that is when one should seek professional advice.

I had a really good conversation with SS a few days ago (don't we always? :P). We were talking about religion, politics, the future, how the world will be and how will be. It's amazing that we could sustain such a long and engaging conversation about such a topic when our faiths, the very basis of that conversation, are completely different. I think its because we were open to really listening to each others' opinions. And, it didn't matter whether we agreed with each other. None of us were trying to make the other person believe exactly what we believe. We just wanted the other person to see our point of view, and I think we achieved that (either that, or SS is really good at pretending that she sees it!). We were talking about how, possibly in our lifetime, Islam might rise as a power in the Middle East, and the pros and cons of that. The fact that a lot of average people on this side of the world fear that outcome because they don't understand the implications, and the political realities. We were also talking about how, getting too caught up in the politics of the world, we can lose our human sides of knowing each other as 'people'. But, that we also need the politics. That my basis for understanding the world is Islam, and part of the world is the relationship that we have with our ownselves, with God, with other people. Part of the relationship that we have with other people is the social structure. So, to me, it makes perfect sense that Islam has a political structure.

I wonder who actually still reads my scattered thoughts. Leave a comment if you've read this. :)

Addiction

Whenever I get addicted to something, the rest of my life falls apart. Sometimes it’s a particular friend, sometimes its one specific song, sometimes it’s a book. My latest addiction was a novel by Jodi Picoult - 'Nineteen Minutes'. The two people that I have talked to about this novel read it sometime between the ages of twelve and seventeen, which is slightly embarrassing. The deepest English novel I've read during that age was probably some drug addiction novel by John Marsden.

Now that I've finished this one, I don't particularly feel like reading another novel of hers any time soon. I think its because she explains her characters so well that to introduce myself with new characters in the same style of writing will be a struggle. My mind will feel like it’s a continuation of the previous book but will rationally know that it's a whole new story.

I've forgotten what I learnt about addiction in physiological psychology last year. But I think there needs to be one of two things done if one wants to get away from an addiction: have closure, or, get addicted to something else. I think most of us choose the second option - we want to drown out our sorrows with chocolate, or that song we used to listen to as a teenager. I choose this one too, but I know that the more effective ending is to have a closure. To know that there is nothing to be done to continue being addicted. Like, knowing that the novel ended.

When it comes to becoming un-addicted from people, closures are much harder to achieve. I suppose the way it can be done is talking things out with the person/people involved, not keeping anything in your heart that can pass off as something unsaid, something that you must carry around with you for a long time.

I think the reason why we get addicted to something is because we feel like we'll be directionless without it. Which is true for a while, but at the end of the day, no one/nothing else in this world can really set our directions except ourselves. And until we do, we just have to fake it till we make it.

Feeling positive - 3

Just because you can't see the road ahead doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Maybe you're blinded by sunlight streaming through your window, or maybe its the darkness getting darker. Maybe someone else is blocking your view with her hand. But just because you can't see, doesn't mean its not there. 

Boys

I was always one of those girls that loved dreaming about what life would be like when my prince comes and sweeps me off my feet. I knew exactly what I liked, but also had a crush on every boy I stumbled upon. I didn't grow up with a lot of boys around me, due to my parents strict parenting, but that didn't stop me from liking that kid my mum used to teach in her kindergarten class, or that new kid in school, or that boy who thought girls had cooties. They ranged from cute to hot, and were always out of my reach. My low self esteem and love for pop music left me wanting something special, which then perpetuated my love for pop music and my low self esteem.

And then, when I got the chance, I made a few mistakes. Mistakes that wouldn't be considered as anything wrong by any average teen, but due to my restrictions, I didn't get the same opportunities as regular teens did. Either way, I broke the boundaries that were set on me, as much as I could. Looking back at them, I know that I made mistakes as a form of experiments - I was curious to know what it would be like to set my foot across the line. This is one of the reasons why I'm really grateful that I have been born in my family, and not one that simply didn't care, because I can see the seventeen-year-old-me try drugs, given the chance. Due to my family, I had some sort of fear of consequences and never physically touched anyone of the opposite gender by intention. Which is quite unthinkably hard if you're not a Muslim, but its a given if you're a practising Muslim. My family was practising, but my mind often wasn't. So, I found it hard to compromise between the two. Thankfully, my mother had a horrible way of unintentionally blackmailing me by being so emotional - she always makes me feel like she'll have a heart attack at any moment. I think she was the main reason why I never did anything too stupid and ruined my life.

When I got to university, suddenly, I was thrown into this world with boys. I went to a girls school for ten of my thirteen years of schooling, so, even sitting next to a boy in biology was daunting at first. I have heard way too many stories about MSA marriages, which made me shun out the guys from our Islamic Society. But I thought of non-Muslim boys as 'non-potentials' - and I remember a friend suggesting that I have more guy friends to make me feel comfortable around them - so, by the end of second year, I had a few guy friends that I could so easily share jokes, lunch, advices and secrets with. I remember getting a disappointed shake of the head once, from a guy I recognised from our MSA. I felt a little guilty about laughing so loudly with the friend that I was with, but my mind immediately turned it around and blamed him for passing off unsolicited judgement from ten feet away. (My parents must've recognised my swooning attitude, because I remember, quite early on in my university life, they told me not to even think about marriage before I finished it. Being the stubborn idiot I was, I also made a mental note to keep studying as long as I can, so that they regret saying that. I actually am studying for much longer than I intended. But this is independent of that mental note!)

Around that time, I had also started to work on a project with a Muslim guy I knew. My female Muslim friends teased the living daylight out of me, to the point where I began to hyperventilate before every meeting.  The worst part was, I have asked all of those girls to help me in the project, which meant that at least one of them was present in one meeting or another. To this day, I can't work on that project without having flashbacks of the cringe-worthy immaturity. I later realised why they did that - two out of three of them were considering marriage as a serious option at that time, and one of them is married with a child now. Their life focus was entirely different to what my focus at that time should have been.

In third year, I got entangled in some of my friends' guy problems, and became good friends with some of their fiances. That's when I realised that I make a very good third wheel and I got along with guys better than girls. But then, being a third wheel got too hard and relating to guys better than girls became problematic in many ways. Around this time, I have lost a lot of things I used to romanticise before. Marriage no longer seemed like a solution, it seemed to be part of a solution which created a whole lot of new problems. I also realised that my prince charming would be no prince, he will be someone like one of these ordinary boys with ordinary flaws. Being a third wheel also taught me how cringe-worthy couples can be, which made me lose the rest of my appreciation for idealistic romance.

This year, things have changed yet again. I hardly talk to or see any of the guys from the past few years. I have realised that I am not really sure which direction I want my life to head and that I can't exactly wait for someone to come and show me the way. I have to figure it out myself. I have to figure out what line of career I will go down in, what aspects of Islam I will learn about and how to spend my days in the most productive way. No one else will live my life for me, so I might as well make the most of it.

Running away

"Sometimes he stood back back at a distance and watched her the way you'd stare at a butterfly that you'd only known as a caterpillar, wondering how the hell change could be that dramatic."

From 'Nineteen Minutes'

Feeling positive - 2

I think some people generally think 'truth' and 'comfort' are mutually exclusive. You cannot live in comfort if you want to live by truth, and you must not be living by truth if you find some comfort in it. The people on the other end of the spectrum seems to think that truth is variable, what you believe to be true is the truth and so there can be multiple truths. The problem with this latter line of thinking is that it caters for conflicting ideas to co-exist, which doesn't really make sense. Some things are just hard and fast facts and whether one person believes them or not, they are true - e.g.: no matter how much one may want to deny death, they will experience it. Death for all living beings is an universal truth.

Although, that latter line of thinking does have an element of truth (:P) in it. We consider what we perceive to be true as well, although, our perception might be different to someone else's. For example, That cup of coffee I had this morning tasted divine to me, but I'm pretty sure my mum wouldn't share the same feelings towards it. Even though we are both experiencing the same physical thing, we interpret it differently, and that doesn't mean that one of us is wrong. But I suppose this wouldn't come under 'universal truths'.

However, some people tend to think that universal truths are never comfortable. Which is the source of the thought that religion was invented for comfort, I suppose. Although, I think that has an element of truth in it, its not entirely right. We need comfort to survive. If there is a guideline to live, it must provide some sort of comfort right? Otherwise, how is it a 'guideline' for living if we can't sustain it?

But the problem occurs when this idea of comfort is taken too far. When the original guideline has bits and pieces cut out from it because certain human beings and certain times perceive it to be unsustainable. This is problematic because this goes against the whole purpose of a religion - that there is a Higher Power which knows what is best for His creations.

So, before a person has complete faith in a system, they must logically 'believe' in it. If it doesn't logically make sense, there is no point in blindly following. But, if it logically makes sense, then its not really 'blindly following', its trusting a system that knows better than you. E.g.: When people 'trust' science, this is what they're doing. When you 'trust' Allah, this is what you're doing too.

Islam says that I need to be aware of the truth, I need to fight for justice, I need to struggle to implement the right things in my life. But Islam also says that Allah is Al-Kareem - the Being that gives even more than I deserve; that He is Al-Wadood - the Being that loves me the most; that He is Ar-Rahman - the Being with mercy that has no limits. Islam says that I need to try my best in this world, yes, but it also says that my reward is some place that will eternally be interesting in the best possible way.

So, because I have based my faith in Allah in logic, that line of thinking is perfectly logical to me. I don't believe that 'truth' and 'comfort' are mutually exclusive.

Feeling positive -1

A friend of mine used to say that him and his best friend would frequently wonder how most people in the world are stupid. They marveled at those who thought about the world, its people and their destructiveness, made fun of people who weren't as thoughtful, or expressive about their deep thoughts; basically - anyone who weren't at their level of intellectualism would be a victim of being labelled as 'stupid'. It makes sense. I roll my eyes at those who are obsessed with make-up, non-existent rolls of fat, being rich just for the sake of being rich, aren't able to eat food that's been in the fridge for a day or two so they throw it out without flinching- and many, many more types of people. The list seems to keep getting longer and longer. The problem with spending a lot of time hating is that you lose time that you could have used to love. I don't think I can ever fully respect people in the above list, but if I keep thinking about them, all the time, I will forget about the people I do respect and love. 

Train thoughts

When you feel extremely angry and all you want to do is throw your limbs around and break as many things as you can, then somebody really strong hugs you tight, holds you to their chest, wraps their arms around you so that you can no longer move - even though you still feel angry, you know that you are safe from harm, you know that you are protected and loved, and even though on the surface you may feel frustration at your temporary inability to move, deep inside, you secretly know that you are better off, .

This is how I feel about Allah every now and then. He is that best friend that loves and cares for me more than anyone else does, and He knows what is best for me. When I rebel against Him, I feel like a little kid rebelling against things that are futile, like, waking up from an afternoon nap and being angry because its not morning. He knows exactly every detail of myself, and the best way to live is to admit that I have no power except the power that He gives me. So, I don't really have to confine myself to how others define me. And I can't really be arrogant about all the things I can do, because that will be like that delusional child. I can dream about the future, live for today and pray like there's no tomorrow.

When friends get old and moons get blue

NC and I met up for coffee, after probably a year or so. The last time we 'properly' met up was before her sister got married, before I lost some friends who I thought understood me very well, before I gained and lost direction of where the world is going, before things that gave me hope stopped giving me hope. I was quite excited about life I suppose. Which is why I was a bit nervous about meeting up with her again, after so much has changed. But it was great - it was as if I was really listening to what she has to say, for the first time.

She asked me what I think it means to be an adult. She said she knows someone who said it means to be able to survive in any situation. She said she thinks it means to be take responsibility for your own actions. I tried to think of a better definition, but I couldn't. Although, realistically, it's hard to define what 'your own actions' are. It's hard to realise what you are responsible for and what not. Or maybe it's just hard for me because I haven't become enough of an adult yet.

I finished reading 'The Fault in our Stars' in less than 48 hours, including all the things that I needed to do in those hours - eat, sleep, pray, earn money, go to uni, catch up with friends. What makes this book amazing is what makes any other piece of literary work amazing to me - the ability of the author to see something from a perspective I haven't been able to see it from before. The ability to surprise, the ability to string together ordinary words in an extraordinary way.

I think I get bored pretty easily. But then, little things amaze me. I never know how to answer questions related to this in psychological questionnaires. I think I'd get bored of myself if I knew myself as someone else. I suppose I get bored of people who are too introspective and don't really care about the rest of the world. But I also don't like it when people try to drill it in themselves that they have to care about the rest of the world, even though they are selfish at heart, in which case they care about the world out of their own selfishness. But this made me realise again that we are all selfish, and the best thing to be selfish about is Jannah. But sometimes I get so far from striving for Jannah that I lose my direction and become selfish for the wrong cause.

I caught up with another friend yesterday, and I was talking about how it seems to me that the root of problems in our current world seems to be at the political level, so we should probably work to solve the problem from that level. The question is how that should be done. The friend said that it will be better if we try to solve the problem scientifically, so, for example, instead of putting money into fighting wars for oil, it would be better if people put money into research on an alternative source of energy. And then we talked about how charities that only satisfy the basic needs of people is a way to make the donors feel good, rather than being much useful. Which is true to a great extent, but then, we can't exactly ignore these very short term needs either.

Another thing that was said was: instead of constantly feeling gloomy about a terrible situation that is taking place on the opposite side of the world, I'd rather focus on what I can do to solve the problem. Here's another thing that's wrong with some of the people I'm around most of the time - they feel sad, depressed, hopeless and bitter about the world. But what do they do about it? They make people aware, yes, but what else? How are they themselves moving forward? I don't know. But, I'd rather not turn into a sad, depressed, hopeless and bitter person who has nothing to offer to the world except slashing words.

I suppose I need to return to my mantra: balance.

I was blind and heartbroken and didn't want to do anything and Gus burst into my room and shouted, 'I have wonderful news!' And I was like, 'I don't really want to hear wonderful news right now,' and Gus said, 'This is wonderful news you want to hear,' and I asked him, 'Fine, what is it?' and he said, 'You are going to live a good and long life filled with great and terrible moments you cannot even imagine yet!'

Also, John Green makes me want to start reading poetry again.

There's a certain slant of light,
On winter afternoons,
That oppresses, like the weight
Of cathedral tunes.

Heavenly hurt it gives us;
We can find no scar,
But internal difference
Where the meanings are.

None may teach it anything,
'Tis the seal, despair,-
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the air.

When it comes, the landscape listens,
Shadows hold their breath;
When it goes, 't is like the distance
On the look of death.

PS: Tonight is a blue moon moonlit night.

sometimes

my mind wonders to a place I never knew existed
it walks around in lightless darkness until its feet are blistered
puzzle pieces are scattered all around the concrete floor
they make no sense, don't fit together, but, appear more and more
it cannot fathom where the walls are, what direction it will face
it stumbles on some unformed thoughts, then, my mind begins to race

Ingrid Michaelson

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the pain chips off the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you in, and chase you with a rolling pin?
Well, what if I do?

2nd of Shawwal

Things have changed quite a bit. I don't like dressing up in pretty clothes as much as I used to before. If I could have it my way, I would wake up with a t-shirt and trackies, find a cup of perfectly made coffee on my bed-side table, sip on it and read.

I think the reason why I don't like dressing up as much as before is that I realised I will never be entirely satisfied with the way I look if I make it a goal to 'look good'. I can look 'good enough' in about ten minutes, but being entirely happy with every aspect of my appearance is quite impossible. Its also a huge waste of time because its impossible to reach that particular goal, so you'd be miserable by the end of it anyway. I don't know whether any girl is ever completely happy with the way they look once they start obsessing over it. Best solution is to not obsess over something that is not worth obsessing over.

I have a horrible habit of not replying to messages, to the point where people might start thinking I am really rude. I tried to get rid of it last Ramadan, but my mind obviously didn't think it was a goal worth achieving. -.-

I should stop procrastinating and go do something useful.

Matrices

A few days ago, a facebook friend posted a report about a political injustice happening in Bangladesh. Then another friend of his and I had a facebook fight about the legitimacy of reports etc, with him believing a lot of the bs that bengali media throws out, and me trying to prove my point that they are indeed a load of bs. At one point, he questioned my premise of 'truth' quite mockingly - "How do we know what truth is? Maybe we're living in a matrix?" Interestingly, even though he was joking, it has an element of truth in it. What IS the truth and how do we know it? What if your perception of the truth isn't really truth?

The way we know what truth is is through our inherent ability to understand logic. And truth is what we believe to be true, right? So, I say that I logically believe in one All Powerful Being - Allah. (P.S: Ask me what the logic is next time you see me. :P). And everything else that I 'believe' flows from that one logical belief. Which makes sense, because people who 'believe' in modern science only, thinks that whatever you can perceive with your physical senses are 'truth' -- that is their starting point of their logic, and every other belief flows from that.

Anyway, so, from my belief, I know that everything- everything in life is a test and/or a blessing. So, in essence, we might actually be living in something like a matrix. In relation to me, everything else is a test/blessing. So, everything else is part of the matrix. In relation to you, I am a part of it. However I treat you is not controlled by you, so if you think of me as just another part of a matrix, then all you need to do is figure out how you should treat me, and vice versa. The catch is to not take this metaphor too far and actually believe that its okay to jump off a roof because you can bend a spoon, because they aren't really there. :P

Tying camels and burning bridges

I was quite excited for Ramadan to begin this year. I am experimenting with a few things this year and so I am interested in seeing what the results will be at the end of the month. There are a few really useful tools by ProductiveRamadan which helps in keeping plans and reviews structured. I know it has only been four days so far, but I think I've already decided that I'll use the taskinator even after Ramadan. The other reason why I am excited is that I am trying to grasp the concept of stopping thinking about what my abilities are and what category of personality I fit into, and removing all sense of limits from my mind, because Allah's ability is limitless and everything comes from Him. If anyone is able to fully understand and live by this line of thought, they would be quite happy and successful. This needs to be done with the correct intention and carefully steering clear of delusions, ie: not sleeping for a week and functioning well is possible because anything is possible by Allah. Yes, anything is possible, but Allah wants us to tie our camels!

I have a box full of diaries filled with my innermost thoughts. I write in a diary when I have something to sort out in my mind by myself. When I have my thoughts down on paper, I can rearrange things easily and make sense out of what seemed like a ball of fuzz. I'm assuming we all have moments when all we feel like doing is ranting out the most absurd things and screaming our heads off. I usually do it on paper, so that I don't chuck a fit at someone else and hurt them, which is very easy to do when we are feeling negatively emotional. I liked doing that with certain people sometimes too, people who are very non-judgmental and work as a 'wall' (as NS described it). But then, I realised, as soon as I have such conversations online, they are written in a space that isn't mine, and are no longer confined to staying in the past. Which is why I prefer the diary method much better now. But the problem is - things in there are for my eyes, and my eyes only. I am wondering whether I should burn them, because I can't really guarantee that they will not fall in someone else's hands. And anything that isn't in your control but is supposed to be in your control isn't healthy for your state of mind. But then, I don't want to just burn away years and years of thoughts! I think I started writing a diary pretty properly since I was 13 - which means I have 9 year's worth of stuff. But then, is it really worth anything if all it'll do is bring about more negativity? Isn't it better to burn bad bridges?

Scattered thoughts

I am really, really cold. Z is playing with household objects. I think I could do with a nice cup of coffee, or a well made cup of tea. But I'm too cold. I woke up with a sore throat. The rest of my family is at this weekend's Al Kauthar course. I missed out because I didn't sign up on before the tickets were sold out. Some days, some minor things seem like they are the most annoying things in the world. Like, this morning, when everyone was busy in the kitchen, their voices seemed like sharp knives in my ear. There was no particular reason for this to happen. 

I would like a cup of coffee, but I don't feel too enthusiastic about going and making one because I know that Z would throw a tantrum when I refuse to let her take a sip. I'm thinking of buying matching mugs for the two of us. I can make coffee in mine and she can drink milk in hers. Mine can be the normal sized one and hers can be an espresso cup. I'll have to find a perfect set though.

Z needs changing out of her pj's. 

Ramadan in 2 days!

Things

Today was a really busy day and I'm assuming tomorrow will be one too. We have our annual Ramadan workshop on Sunday. We usually leave the focus group quite wide, but this time, we decided to keep to high school students, and move to an entirely new location. We are doing quite a few things that we haven't done before, so it would be interesting to see the results. But, next time, I really do need to finish everything a week before, instead of a day before. MM keeps reminding me of this gently (as gently as is possible) every time I need to schedule people in for IAW. I really do need to stop with this delaying things till last minute sometime.

My current favourite thing in the world is 'Everything is Illuminated' by Jonathan Safran Foer. He is one of those writers that seem to know you inside out and then take that knowledge and illustrate it through a very specific situation (a situation that you otherwise would not be able to relate to at all). I love the way he manipulates his words to give a perfect picture but in a way that you wouldn't think of. I love the fact that he makes you feel things - smile, laugh and cry - purely with words. Its poetry in the form of a novel.

I wish I had more hours in a day.

A quite confusing post

A friend of mine has recently been reminding of how I was like a few years back. Not sure whether funny or tragic, but I honestly cannot remember how to be like that version of me. In fact, I probably am so confused about myself right now, that at this point, I don't know how to be any version of anyone. But, MM said something to me the other day - if you can free yourself of labels, you will realise that those labels don't define you. You don't have to be a particular way in order to be yourself. But in saying that, if you have no sense of standards, you begin to lose yourself. Its a hard balance to strike.

Speaking of striking a balance between things - figuring out just how much to care about what people say. You need to care about it a particular amount if you want to live in a civilised society, but you cannot care about it too much if you want to be yourself. The solution is to stick to your values like a parasite. I wish I could, though. Sometimes, I feel like I have everything figured out. I know exactly what I am doing and exactly how to do it. And then, there are times like these, when I try to get back on the horse, but I keep falling off. 

I just watched a movie called Silver Lining Playbook. Its about two people with psychological disorders trying to keep going with their lives. In their heads, whatever they are doing and going through are perfectly logical. They feel like everyone else is living a lie and they are the ones who are completely honest with themselves. Most people treat them differently - with fear and confusion. It made me think - we all have a certain amount of 'craziness' within ourselves. Its only diagnosed as a disorder when it impedes daily life or harms the society in some way. It also reminded me of this quote: We're all a little weird, and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. So basically, two ideas: the fact that characteristics are in a continuum and we all lie somewhere in them, its only when you are too far into the continuum of a few chosen ones that you are considered to have a disorder. And love.

I don't think my crazy side has seen daylight with anyone or anything except for some diary pages. But, if I had to choose a person who knows that side of me the most, it would be my sisters. I think I scare her sometimes. I don't think its such a bad thing to hide away most of one's craziness. It gets in the way of living as a sensible, responsible global citizen. :)

Mind games

At this particular point in time, nothing matters except the soft rays of sun on your face. Nothing matters except the water droplets on your hair. Your thoughts can untangle themselves in another hour. All of your responsibilities can come knocking at your door this afternoon, even. But, right now, just close your eyes, and forget.

Things that piss me off #2

- Inconsiderate people
- When someone else expects me to be inconsiderate towards someone else in order to be considerate towards them.
- Screaming/shouting
- Headaches that result from hearing people scream and shout about petty things
- To-do lists (although its growing nature saddens me rather than pisses me off)

Now that that's off my chest, I can go study statistics. 

The kid who stole my heart

Z turned one on the 2nd of June. She can now eat, drink, stand up by herself, almost get off the bed, walk while holding onto things, pretend to read books and almost say my name. I look after her three days a week and it makes me go through a whole lot of emotions and thought processes. Some days I feel like a pro, some days I wonder how I can ever think of having kids. But most days, its fun. I make up silly songs and we dance. I sip on my coffee while she munches on her biscuit. We share a glass of milk. We pretend to beat drums with pots and pans. I hang up the washing and she plays with pegs, or crawls around on the grass, or chases ants on the porch. I work or study, and she flicks through her books. She wakes up from her naps and cries a little, then calms down when I wrap my arms around her. When she's tired, she lays her head on me, then slowly drifts to sleep as I walk around with her. Of course its not always like that - sometimes I walk around for about half an hour or more, only to look at her and be met with a giggle. Then I feel like just turning everything off and eating chocolate.

Her kisses are rare and special, but I ask her to 'give me a kissie' quite frequently - just to take my chances! She does give out flying kisses though, to random strangers as well. She loves playing with pens and markers, drinking out of a cup and banging things. When she sees a hair brush, she picks it up and pretends to brush her hair. She copies us when we cough, then we copy her, then she copies us again, and it turns into a little game that ends up in giggles. Sometimes, she just lays her head against me, and stays there for a while.

I don't think I've ever loved anyone, or had as much fun with anyone, as Z. She warms up my heart.

Here's what Z has to say to you lot:

r r,z            k  09kep0deocd  nnj jr l jksx   k    cx

Reminiscing

When ma goes away for a few days, the rest of the family starts living like housemates. Everyone is free to have their own plans, eat and drink whatever they want, keep things as messy or as clean as they'd like - we don't really care all that much. I suppose its awesome when its only for two days. But if we have to live like this for months, I don't think we'd survive. Ma keeps this family glued together.

I remember this time last year - I was knee deep in other people's dramas. Its funny - the dramas have all left my life right now, or maybe those people left? Or maybe I left? I'm not quite sure, but I am definitely quite far from drama nowadays. A few days later from today last year, I would have crashed my parents' car. At that time, we had two cars in our family of seven working adults. One of the cars were mostly used by ma and baba. So, I, along with the other kids of the family, drove the other car. I drove it for about 3 weeks after getting my red Ps. In those three weeks - I drove it to work at night with the radio playing high, exercised road rage, missed collisions by inches, remained lazy (driving to work meant that it cut down my travel time to about 15 mins instead of 45 mins, but I can't remember a day that I used that extra half an hour productively).

The night that I crashed the car - I was listening to the radio - Brokenhearted by Karmin was playing. It was either raining, or the road was wet from the rain from before. I was on my way back from tutoring a year 12 student. She was a new student, so I didn't know my way back from her house completely. I crossed the road, got inside the car, turned it on, turned the volume up, began driving, reached for my phone and started setting the GPS. I turned around at the end of the very short road, looked down at my GPS- and then it happened. My face was on the wheel, the music stopped and I had that tight feeling inside me. All I wanted to do was to back out and drive away. It never occurred to my arrogant self that I could possibly crash that badly. I got out of the car feeling very lost. People from the houses nearby came out. I can't remember whether I called my dad or he called me - or was it my brother? But I remember not wanting to call my mother and tell her about it, ever. I crashed it into a tree in front of an old couple's house. They came out and asked me what happened. The man called me a 'stupid girl' (very rightly so!), the woman gave me a glass of water, I realised my nose was bleeding. The woman dropped me home. I was feeling shaken, embarrassed, stupid and very, very regretful. I don't think I've ever felt that much regret in my life.

My parents took me to the hospital in the middle of the night. Nothing happened alhamdulillah, but something could have definitely happened. I didn't even take a good look at the car, but my student later told me about its condition. I was also told that the battery could have blown up, because the engine was squashed by the tree - I could have died. The next day, I tried to arrange for the car to be picked up by a car dealer my dad knows. The day after, the police came knocking on my door. They told me that someone called up and reported about the car, charged me for wreckless driving and told me that if I don't get it picked up soon, the police will do so. I kept chasing up the guy we know, but he didn't end up doing his job on time, so I got charged double by the police. Another stab of regret.

I think this happened after my first exam. I still had three left. I couldn't study, I felt numb, guilty. I didn't know how to make it up to my family. My grandma was here at that time, and Z was born a week or two before the crash. B was supposed to take the car with him a few weeks after that, because he moved out a few weeks before - moved out for the first time. I didn't really tell any of my friends about the crash in so much detail, because I hadn't yet processed it in my mind. I did not attempt one of the exams, and scraped past the other two. I kind of stopped caring about university at that point - my friends were going through horrible changes, I had to somehow pay off everything to do with the car, work was getting bad, my sleeping was all over the place, I got physically sick, and nanu was still over at our place - so I still needed to make sure I smiled. I know people who have gone through much worse, so, alhamdulillah that that was one of the lowest points in my life.

I quit ABA therapy a few months after that. The progress of the kids plateaued and I had no idea how to fix it. I wasn't sure if I was doing everything right and I constantly felt like the parents were wasting their money by paying me. All the money that I had saved had gone behind the car. I had to start over. I can't remember much of university from my second semester, except for psychopathology classes. I started the semester by caring about things, and ended it by giving up. I began to avoid the people I used to do group studying with, because I never did much of my part. That was the time that I went through a lot of changes about my world view as well. I did a lot of thinking about my thinking and changed the way I thought. That happens all throughout your life, and I record mine in this blog, yes, but, during that time, big changes were quite condensed into a few months or so.

So, what have I learnt by reminiscing?
- To be more forgiving and merciful to others. I don't know what they are going through, I can try to understand, but I can never fully put myself in their shoes. I have made several wrong decisions during those months, but I needed to sort through them myself. Being judged by someone else would have never helped.
- To remember that I can die at any time, but Allah has given me a chance, and is still giving me that chance. I will get that second chance till my last breath. But I don't know when my last breath will come. I need to plan for the future and work on the present.
- To stop going hard and soft on myself and just stick to neutrality. If I make a mistake, I need to come up with a strategy to bounce back and move forward. Balance.
- To stop wasting my life by complaining, watching stupid TV shows or feeling sorry for myself.
- Life is too short to care about what I think what other people are thinking. But life can possibly be too long to take spontaneous decisions that will affect me/someone else negatively for a very long time. 

Days like this

The sky seems like it will rain at any moment. I have a heap of clothes that need to be handwashed. My room needs to be cleaned. Z's toys are everywhere. Kitchen needs to be cleared out. I need to reply back to some emails and messages. I planned to exercise today... must motivate myself to do so sometime. There are some things that my mum wants me to do that needs to be done. Z needs to be fed. I need to call up Vodaphone again. I heard about a man who looked through 800 dead bodies just to find his daughter, after which, he was able to claim 20, 000 taka from the government. Aid money isn't reaching those people because of the corruption. Rape rates are sky rocketing in Syria. Max Brenner is opening up at my uni and allowing consumerism to further consume up humanity.

On days like this, I feel like shutting off from the world - not picking up the phone, not checking my emails, not reading the news, not remember that I have a live baby in my care. I feel like curling up with a cup of coffee and forget that I need to keep fighting my battles, no matter how small they are.

Jung Typology

My life changed so much in the past year. In fact, after I wrote that sentence, I remembered my obsession with personality tests and thought I should do one again. I got INTJ - I (33%), N (12%), T (25%), J (1%). This is quite amusing, because about a year ago, I was I/E N/S FP. Of course, this is no where close to being exact science. My personality is quite malleable and changes according to the people I respect and/or hang around with. But, even if I just judge by my responses, I can see that I have changed a tad over those months!

World Newses

The world is becoming more and more similar to the worlds from dystopian movies from the 90s. I wish it was an option to just turn everything off and hide in a little comfortable corner, and still turn out okay for eternity. 

Grudges, Misunderstandings, Forgiveness- and all that jazz

I got hurt by someone I love this morning and it slowed my productivity by a mile. All I felt like doing was hide under the covers and cry tears of annoyance. And, after I did some hiding, and some crying and some writing, I realised a few things. (This is going to be a YM type writing, so if you're allergic to mushiness, leave now or forever hold your peace.)

The person who hurt me has no idea that I got hurt. Every time I try to talk to said-person about a certain thing that he/she said that hurt me, it always ends up down the wrong road. She (for the purposes of this writing, lets keep it to a female, but read 'he/she') misunderstands me somehow, and I'm never able to make my point with her. For a long time, I thought the problem was with me. I thought that I am not able to express myself well, which is why there are so many misunderstandings. Then I came across some people who understood me so well that I didn't feel the need of putting up a guard. Its like neither of us felt that it is possible to have hidden meanings behind words, so we just assume the best possible apparent meaning. And if that apparent meaning isn't the best possible one, we would talk about it as soon as possible. I got so used to being so lucky that I forgot that people often do hide what they mean, so, when those people in my life began popping up again, I fell back into walking down the wrong road.

My point is - there are some people that you will have a clear line of communication with, and some with whom you will have no idea what book they are on, let alone being on the same page. Ideally, you would stop interacting with these people because they get on your nerves so much that you feel like murdering them every time they open their mouth. But, that is not possible. Especially if you love them so much.

This is the way I see it now. After I get hurt, I can do one of two things - I can deal with it with that person or I can deal with it myself. (There's no third option, because you always need to deal with things.) Doing either of those requires me to remember where I am from and where I am going. In Islam, interactions with others is so important that if you're unjust to someone else, it can be your ticket to hell. So, I need to take care of my side of things. I need to make sure that I am being fair and assertive, but not aggressive. I need to make sure that I go down the most effective path, instead of the path that will make me feel better. So, even if it makes me feel temporarily better to scream my head off at that person, will it really make a difference? I need to think about the position of that person in my life, their personality, their situations.

I need to remember that we are all selfish in one way or another, and the best way to use our selfish nature is if we use it to be selfish about Jannah. I need to remember that I need to get there, and if someone hurts me, its only better for my hereafter. Some people desperately try to forgive others so that the other person's hereafter is intact, in the process of which go into a self-denying cycle of subconscious grudge, which might turn into some sort of action in the future that will end up ruining their own hereafter. So, remember to take care of your own survival first.

If you keep your own intentions and actions in check, and you remember that your ultimate goal is Jannah, nothing in the world can defy your happiness. If you really love that person, somewhere down the track, things will be fixed and you'll subconsciously forgive them.

(I hope the above will make sense to Future L.)

Things that piss me off

In no particular order.

- People who are dissatisfied with things they can't change.
- People who are dissatisfied with things they can change, but instead of changing them, just complain about them. To others. Personal blogs/diaries/God doesn't count.
- When people who critique society in order for others to notice what it is that they can change even though they think they cannot are labelled as complainers.
- Overtly materialistic people.
- Directing strong words towards one particular person in order to inflict pain.
- People who keep falling out on their responsibilities for stupid reasons. I know, I know, I am one of them. I piss myself off too.
- Adults who are yet to snap out of their teenage state.
- Teenagers.
- When the house is messed up ten minutes after I have cleaned it, by an 11 month old kid.
- When that particular 11 month old kid refuses to fall asleep during her nap time.
- People who care way too much about social expectations, and lose themselves in the process.
- Jealousy.
- People who make a lot of mistakes yet are unforgiving towards others.
- The blue pill.