Saturday, May 20, 2017

And then she came.

Little M was born at 3.17 PM on Friday the 21st of April. When I went into labour, I realised two things:
- Dua is an amazing tool. I made dua for an easy and quick labour without any pain medication and a natural birth. I got all of it alhamdulillah. Looking back, I don't know how I survived the contractions towards the end, but I did. Allah eased and facilitated it for me.
- Allah facilitated something for me that's considered to be one the most painful pains in the world and he allowed me to go through it without any sort of pain killers at all. Anything else I would ever face would possibly be less painful (physically at least).

I had strange sensations of deja vu for a day or two after the birth. I can't explain it now, but I had random images in my head, images of places or situations from my life, right from my childhood to the present, and my body would feel like it's almost paralysed, and my mind would feel numb of some sort. I felt very lost and scared for about a week, always worried that something will go wrong. Alhamdulillah, that time passed.

I had a good day today. Everyday seems to be different. Some days are good, some not so much. Some days - I feel like, okay, I've finally got the hang of it. Some days I feel absolutely incompetent. A mother I hold very close to my heart told me, motherhood is a lonely journey.

No one else can ever really know what its like.

Monday, March 06, 2017

Underneath my feet

I am really enjoying this journey, most of the time. I feel like I am hiding a secret inside me, a secret that is almost unknown to me too. I feel like I share a special connection to something that I don't know or understand yet. It feels incredibly honouring, nothing like anything I have ever felt before. At the same time, this mystery - an unknown future - is incredibly terrifying. I hear that your children are your best teachers. They are a reflection of who you are, there's no saying how they will become, but you keep trying and trying and trying and there's no right way to do it, but there's lots of wrong ways, but you cannot give up. That is unlike anything I am every experienced. Unlike any other tests that I have had. To be fair, I have not been tested massively so far. I am looking forward to it. Looking forward to this journey that will potentially, hopefully with change me, us, for the better and lunge us into Jannah. 

Wednesday, March 01, 2017


This world is meant to be a test - short lived and at times, ugly. Sometimes we do things that surprise us, or maybe it doesn't, but makes us hate ourselves. Sometimes we fall so deep that we look up at the mouth of the hole in despair, wondering how we will ever make it up again. Yasmin Mogahed wrote something a very long time ago that I still remember from time to time - something along the lines of - when you sink to the bottom of the ocean, that's when its time to collect some pearls.

I thought I will be strong for M. Everyday that I get up and do my work, work on my assignments, clean up, learn Arabic, exercise and eat healthy, I am reminded that if I can set an example for M, if I do this for M, it'll all be worth it. But I think I have been getting it wrong. I am falling into the trap that so many other people fall into. About three years ago, I asked a middle aged man why his wife is slaving away for something that is not necessary to provide for their grown children, and he replied - everything we do is for our children, isn't it? At that time,  I knew he was wrong. My parents have never made us feel that everything they do is for us. They have a separate life to us. Everything they do, they do for Allah. And that's how it should be. We blame ourselves when we fall short when we don't put our eggs in the right basket, when we have hope for the wrong things.

No matter how many times you fall, He promises He will pick you up again, if you have the right attitude.

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: I heard the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) say: “A person committed a sin and said: ‘My Lord, I have sinned; forgive me.’ His Lord said: ‘Is My slave acknowledging that he has a Lord Who forgives sins and punishes for them? I have forgiven My slave.’ Then as much time passed as Allah willed, then he committed a sin and said, ‘My Lord, I have sinned; forgive me.’ His Lord said: ‘Is My slave acknowledging that he has a Lord Who forgives sins and punishes for them? I have forgiven My slave.’ Then as much time passed as Allah willed, then he committed a sin and said, ‘My Lord, I have sinned; forgive me.’ His Lord said: ‘Is My slave acknowledging that he has a Lord Who forgives sins and punishes for them? I have forgiven My slave,’ – three times…” [al-Bukhari, Muslim].

And He will provide, He will provide.

‘Ask forgiveness from your Lord, verily, He is Oft Forgiving; He will send rain to you in abundance. And give you increase in wealth and children, and bestow on you gardens and bestow on you rivers.” [Nuh 71:10-12]

“If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not.” [Abu Dawud].

Him (written on 20th April 2016)

'You're pretty.' He said.
He didn't see the freckles
or the falling hair.
He didn't see her creases
that she hated so much.
he traced her broken skin,
healed her broken heart,

'You're pretty', he said.
He traced the creases on her skin.
Tucked hair behind her ear.

He is a cliche.
He takes care of me,
even though I'm twenty five.
He forgets dates
(But then, so do I).
He makes me laugh,
takes my hand,
shows me the world
He doesn't pretend to be it.
He is a cliche,
But I wouldn't have it
any other way.

Thursday, February 02, 2017


They are tears that only spill at night
The urge to silence yourself in stillness
Your crooked eyebrows and disbelieving eyes
Songs and words mixing together
inside your head.
They are crumpled up papers in your brain
Lists made and thrown away
Promises made and broken
They are your tired wrists and paining shins
Nostalgia for a time long gone
Sleepless nights and meaningless words.

Thursday, October 06, 2016


My heart beats faster,
Because you are there.
No, really, my heart is beating for you.
Beating to keep you alive,
Beating to make you grow,
Beating as its beat by yours.
Your heart beats faster than mine.
But, what do you know about the world?
You are only the size of my palm.
Safe, tucked inside.
Your heart will slow
when you know the truth.
Bitter, dark, tear jerking reality.
I hope you can still keep the other heart alive.
The one that matters.
In the inside of inside of inside of you.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Weight and all

Ever since I hit puberty, I have been a little to the overweight side. My BMI was near the end of the 'healthy' range and there were fat in places that I hated them to be in. I was the heaviest out of my siblings despite being the youngest. My mum had always been conscious of her health. She made sure that she ate the right foods and had a routine to her life. Since I was the opposite, I always got told off for my habits. Gaining twenty kilos in one year, the year that I reached puberty, did not help either. Instead of helping myself in doing something about it, I continued to gain weight all throughout my high school years until I gained ten more kilos by the end of HSC. I took comfort in eating. I took further comfort in eating by myself, watching or reading something - which led to many hours of mindless eating throughout those years. 

When I started university, one of my common conversations with some of my friends was our need of losing weight, eating less and exercising. It never happened. Until one of my friends did join a gym about four and a half years ago. It was a women-only gym, which interested me. I ended up joining about half a year later, with the thought of now-or-never. I was tutoring or ABA therapying (can't remember), so I was earning very little. But whatever money I was earning went in gymming, phone payment and other commitments. I started to gym regularly a few months after I joined. I went about 2-3 times a week and stayed for maximum one hour. I still ate bad food though, which made me feel very guilty afterwards. Slowly, I started to reduce the bad food that I was eating - less oil, less rice for dinner and no snacks before bed. I started to drink a lot more water. The only bad thing that I had was chocolate - but I really couldn't get rid of that. I did lessen my intake quantity and frequency though.

Out of the ten kilos that I gained in high school, five was gained during HSC. Four of that was easily lost in the first year of university, because my university required a lot of walking to go from one side to another (twenty mins of walking to be exact!). I still had the other six on and I felt terrible about it. When I started to gym, within about a year and a bit, I lost the other six, and two more. I stopped gymming after I got married due to distance to the gym that I used to go to. Alhamdulillah, the habits that were developed during that year and a half stayed with me more or less and I didn't end up gaining any weight in the last two and a half years. 

Until now. I gained two kilos. I have a little lime inside me now. 

I hope my lime grows up with good habits, learns from mistakes and forgives others.  

PS: I went to Fernwood. I would gladly recommend that gym to anyone I know. They have excellent staff, resources, child care facilities, a very nice change room/shower facilities and they respected privacy more than any others I know. 

Saturday, July 30, 2016


I need a break from my mind
From those thoughts that rise up like magic tricks
Bursting into a million pieces
Before I can trace their roots.
I need to break out of this cycle
Of trying to figure out why
And then the why of that why
And then the why of that why of that why
The made up becauses
It doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matt-
But it does.
It's not real it's not real it's not re-
But it is.
I need a switch that I could flick

every time the voice refuses to silence.

Friday, June 10, 2016


Right now, I am trying to write report comments for my kids. I don't know why I thought this would be easy and quick, this is not easy nor quick. I have been so tired from work that my brain is not functioning well either, regardless of the coffee. Also, why am I able to write a blog post and not report comments?

Wednesday, May 04, 2016


Nothing feels worse than the feeling of uselessness and worthlessness. When you feel like quitting, just remind yourself of the times when you sat in the exact same position, in front of your laptop, looking out the window, thinking about how useless you feel right now and thinking up of ways to make yourself useful. Now that the plate is completely full, be thankful for it. Be thankful for the busyness and use the free time wisely. This is what you always wanted.

Everything in life is a test and a blessing. Respond well, and you will not turn into the bitter old woman you fear. 

Monday, April 11, 2016


Words don't flow any more
They seem to be hidden, maybe lost
somewhere deep within me.
Words refuse to be my friend,
to help me out when I need them the most.
To stop the tears.
To make the ache disappear.
To mediate between us.
Words ran away to their mouths;
They dribble from their pens;
but refuse to be even pulled out from mine.
I thought I knew how to write,
I thought I knew how to rhyme,
I thought I knew how to bend feelings into letters.
words don't flow any more.

Sunday, March 13, 2016


One of the children I know is okay to speak when she is with her friends, but gets very quiet when she has to speak in front of a large group of people. She starts crying every time she encounters something difficult. She can't answer questions she knows the answer to when she starts crying. I wish I could tell her that I know how it feels. I know how it feels to feel like you can't breathe because your brain feels clogged up and everything in the world seems to be against you. I tell her everything will be okay. Just to calm down, drink some water and start again. She seems to be doing better - she went to the canteen person all by herself to ask for her lunch order, and she was so happy about it! She came running to me and told me the good news. 
She isn't the only one who feels that way. There's a few other children I know who seem to have anxiety issues. I can't remember having them when I was little, maybe I did, but I can't remember. But now that I am older and experience these issues all the time, I know how it feels like. I wish I could hug them tight everyday and let them know that everything will be okay. Allah will take care of them. 

Wednesday, March 09, 2016

Teaching and everything else

I am up at this ungodly hour doing an assignment and thinking about my kids and thinking about all the things that I have to do and trying to do my reading for my assignment. And then it hit me (again) - I love what I do! I am super busy these days but alhamdulillah I am absolutely loving it. I love teaching, I love learning about teaching and I love everything that comes with it. I love my family, I love my husband and I love everything that comes with them too. Right now, I feel like I have way too much on my plate, but I don't feel terrible about it because I love the things on it!

I feel like sometimes I feel very negative about everything. This is an advice to me for those times. When I feel negative, I need to think about everything I love.

- My loving family
- My super supportive, perfect (for me) husband
- Innocence that my (school) kids bring into my life
- The amazing potential that every single one of those children are carrying within themselves
- Thinking up of ways to tap into these potentials

Even though sometimes I feel like I am not doing anything to serve Allah through serving humanity any more, I need to remember that I am. I am doing it everyday at work, or at least, I have the potential to. I just need to take that opportunity everyday that it is given to me.

PS: The following words were sitting in a draft post written exactly 2 months ago - 9th January 2016. My mind really seems to rollercoaster...


Sometimes, words like 'inspire' and 'dreams' and 'twinkle' and 'reach' seem too used. They seem like words that used to mean something once upon a time, but have entered and left my life so many times that even the thought of them makes me roll my eyes. "That's unrealistic, you know that right?" I told him today. "We can never do it."

"You have such a negative energy with you right now." He said.

When did our roles reverse? Why does he get to be the one with the twinkle in his eyes and dream of change? When did I become so tired of smiling in hope and began smiling only in social situations? After all, he is the accountant and am the teacher.

What am I going to teach my children if I don't teach them to dream? What use will they have in folding laundry and cooking chicken, except for mere survival? How will they become astronauts and doctors and inventors if the only thing they learn off me is that being an adult means you don't think about being those things?

I had this realisation today. I have been edging towards it for a few days I guess, but I could only word my concern today. But this isn't the first time I have thought such a way, and I am assuming I am not the only one.

Saturday, February 06, 2016


I started to teach six year olds for five days a week. There's about thirty of them in a room and they are with me for more than seven hours everyday. There's the ones that hug me whenever they can, they ones that write beautifully, the ones that look at me with believing eyes. And then there's the ones that seem to only have energy for running, the ones that don't wash their hands properly and the ones that come to school with all the germs in the world. Today is my first day off after a full week, and I am so, so tired. My legs feel like they will fall off. My throat is sore. I haven't been able to sleep properly. And I constantly feel like time is running out. On top of that, my weekends have never been free, in fact, they were my busiest times for the past year and a half almost. 

So, this should be interesting...

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Imaginary friends

Z's imaginary friend is called 'babyr baba' and sometimes she talks to him on the phone (possibly because she grew up watching the women around her talk to their baby's baba on the phone). He's a doctor (coincidentally, so is her dad!) and works at a hospital. He also lives in London (possibly sourced from her great uncle and aunty's visit from London). Today, she told me he has no nose. And that he's a fish. And he has a tail.

We pretended to be lions today. It was Z's idea - I was just being silly and making sounds with my mouth, and she asked me, 'are you a lion?'.
'me too!'
'I'm a khammi lion.'
'And I'm a baby lion.'

Then it was dogs, turtles, cows and giraffes.

She told me that she remembers my wedding - but the only thing she remembers is that I wore a sari and had a big round thing on my forehead. Then we looked through my wedding photos together, and she got so happy seeing herself in them!

She slept on my bed this afternoon. When she sleeps, she curls up, like I do. She's like me in so many ways. She remembers words, remembers the way they feel. Her imagination is much more vivid though. I can't remember having an imaginary friend that early.

Friday, December 04, 2015

Growing up

Today is my first proper day off after I officially started working. I have done a few things here and there - tutoring, ABA therapy, chucking leaflets at mailboxes - but that was when I got paid in two digits. Getting paid in four digits is a whole different deal. There's contracts to sign and long term future to think about. I have to iron my clothes before I wear them to work, make sure I get in the car early enough to get there on time and all other grown up things that come along with it. But I still feel like the same old L with a messy room and comfort chocolate stash in my drawer.

I am flying off again today! Mr H told me to start a travel blog and I don't think its such a bad idea. There's always new people that we meet and different things we learn, or relearn. I feel like my writing skills have declined though. I want to start writing poetry again but I am not sure how to string the right words together any more. Maybe this is a side effect of becoming an adult?

I realised something today. Irrespective of a two digit or a four digit pay, I always seem to be broke. It has been 8 days since I got paid and I don't seem to have much money left at all. I realised this will always be the case. Even if you earn a six digit salary, you will still feel like its leaving you too fast, because your commitments will increase. This is why I hate the concept of money. We work so hard to increase those numbers in our bank account, but they decrease so, so easily. This is why if you only work for money you would never, ever be happy. I know this is a classic cliche, but yes, I just had that realisation again.

I need to read The Little Prince again.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Monday, October 12, 2015


I remember, there was a time when I wished time would go faster because there was nothing that I could do at that moment. There was nothing that I wanted to do, there was nothing I felt motivated for. I binge watched TV shows not to relax, but to have something to do. I wrote pages and pages of excessive and misplaced emotions in diaries that are now crushed into pulps. I talked to people that I shouldn't simply because I was bored. When I think about that now, I feel a deep sense of gratitude coming from within me for where I am now. Alhamdulillah, I have absolutely no free time to kill. I was given the opportunity to go to Hajj this year (which deserves a post of its own), but after I came back, I could see the effects. I could see myself being more confident, solid. Something I haven't felt for a while. I could feel the effects of 'La Hawla Wa La Quwwata Illa Billah' again. And I really, really wish every single person could feel it, or at least, everyone I love. The pain of loneliness, boredom and ingratitude is worse than the pains that pierce you outside while your heart is at rest. 

Tuesday, August 18, 2015


TA can use her words so incredibly well. We only ever talk over whatsapp - in our years of friendship, I can only remember having coffee with her a couple of times. The most amount of face to face time we had was probably during our wedding. Yet, she can somehow tell when I am a little bit under the weather.

Here's a little draft of something else I wrote in light of my convo with TA today:

The world inside my head is blurry.
It used to be clear
Before you walked in.
I had my pen, lined paper
and thoughts.
I had my eyes, two feet
and a cup of coffee.
I formed words easily - 
I could hear them talk
without listening to them.
I could smile with bright eyes
without letting them peak inside.
You ripped me apart,
blurred my vision,
took the words, and,
Began reigning inside my head.

Sunday, August 16, 2015


I have another assignment due tomorrow night. It's a set of reflective papers, which were, ironically, supposed to be blogged in four hundred words over the span of six weeks. I was consistent for two of the weeks. Currently, I am finishing off the third one. I still have three more to go. This is due tomorrow night. I am screwed. If I did one reading everyday, taking some notes, and writing the pot at the end of the week, it would have taken me an hour a day, maximum. Now it shall be an allnighter. This is for the future you, L, please learn from your mistakes. The awesome thing about being married is that you can go on unreasonable rants and take out all of your stresses on someone else. Mr H is excellent at handling my rants.

Now - caffeine and eyes.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Faking it

I have a knack for burning bridges really fast. Looking back at my life, I have probably burnt more bridges than I sustained, leaving very few people from my past into my current life. Except for my family and a few friends here and there, most people in my current life are new. I am not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing, or neither. I guess it means that I change with the people around me and so I stop relating to people that I previously could, so, we slowly drift. Often times I have consciously cut people off my life - people that I knew will keep having a negative impact on me as time goes by.

What's the first thought on your mind when you wake up?

Here's a very rough draft of something:

We rush through life like a race
Set to start when thinking starts
Must be better, must be faster,
Must ignore our beating hearts.
They tell you how you should proceed
First comes this and then comes that
Must not mess with the order of things
Must not stop for idle chat.
Gather your wealth and use your eggs
Don't put them all in one basket
You are the only one you need, they said,
But they are the ones you must please.