Fleeting

We fear risks because risks are just those - risks. You jump without knowing whether the surface will be soft enough to break your fall. You leap without knowing what is in front of you. It can be something amazing, yes. It can bring new insights to life, yes. But it can also disorient you with all that height. That is why we prefer the status quo. 

The tidal wave

Somewhere in the middle, this blog was the place to vent. I could say anything I wanted, as long as I kept it vague enough for most of my readers to never figure things out. Venting is okay as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, and I never did hurt anyone through my words from here. But I fear things have changed. Or maybe this is just my headache and all other bodily pains talking.

"My hope is a tidal wave, and your home was a great escape."

"What is it to grow old?
...
It is to spend long days
And not once feel that we were ever young."

One of my favourite poems is Mirror by Sylvia Plath.

"...Searching my reaches for what she really is.

Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day..."

Every person is for themselves.

Demons

(By: Imagine Dragons)

When your dreams all fail,
And the ones we hail are the worst of all,
And the blood's run stale -

I want to hide the truth.
I want to shelter you.
But with the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide.

No matter what we breed,
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom, come.

This is my kingdom, come.

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide.
It's where my demons hide.

Don't get too close,
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide.
It's where my demons hide.

Sarah Kay - And found

I am a god of drawers left open.

Its easy to catch me in the act of searching -
My keys,
Myself.

Aah - don't sit there - you might knock over the pile of confidence I took all day to stack.
I promise to tidy up before company arrives
Wouldn't want my socks and daydreams all over the carpet.
I know where most things are
But give me enough time and I can lose anything.
I have had enough practice at sliding things under the bed
when no one is watching.
And I know -
You are always in the last place I look. 

Having that bubble burst

I really like this song. Brick by boring brick by Paramore.

--

She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of a world that she's left behind

It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies

keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole

To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole

To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da

So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out

But it was a trick
And the clock struck twelve
Well make sure to build your home brick by boring brick
or the wolf's gonna blow it down

keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true

You can see it with your eyes
Oh even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah

Go get your shovel
We'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
and we'll dig a deep hole

To bury the castle, bury the castle

With a purpose - 1

So, as you know, a whole bunch of things happened in my life this year. Nothing as dramatic as deaths or marriages, but I have had a serious car accident and have seen the formation of a few couples. I have also been exposed to new ideas and controversies, which I shan't talk about clearly until I am clear myself. But as always, I shall talk about my thought process. The most important thing I learnt from this year is that it is extremely important to know the purpose of your existence. Once you know your purpose, everything else comes under its huge umbrella and it becomes much easier to sort what comes in and leaves your life. The purpose of your existence comes from the way you view the world.

The way I view the world comes from my understanding of the Quran. So, this world, to me, is a test. Each of us are here for a number of years, in which we are required to make several decisions. After death, we will be judged on the decisions we made. We will be judged by God, who is the most merciful, the most loving, but is also fair and is the sole owner of all power. Each of us are individuals and equals in His eyes. He will reward us or punish us according to the choices we make in this world. You can only make a choice about something you know about. So, we need to try our best to learn, then make decisions based on what we know. Following anything blindly does not do justice to our intellect. However, getting caught up with too many options may mean that there is no fruition of your knowledge. So, there needs to be a balance between gaining knowledge and implementing them.

(Sort of an) update

I haven't written here for a very long time. Since I last wrote, my exams have finished. Since I last "properly" updated, I quit ABA therapy, one of my friends had a kid, little Z rolled over for the first time, I realised that gym is actually helpful, I began to think about the world and realised how untrustworthy the system is. There must've been a whole lot of other things that has happened, but they happened so fast that I haven't had the chance to sit down and contemplate. I'm beginning to think I quite like this state - the state of "doing" rather than "thinking". I mean, sometimes, "thinking" is "doing", in which case, I would like to "think" as well, but most of this blog is about "thinking" about the second sort of "thinking", which isn't really helpful.

I seemed to have started several posts over the past month. These were in my draft:

12/11 - Nuisances

- Constantly feeling like I must be politically correct.
- Being old and directionless.
- Procrastination.

17/11 - (untitled)

I am beginning to realise the world is more complicated than it seems.

23/11 - My understanding of reality

(no content)

26/11 - (untitled)


You were walking on a path with flowers on a sunny day
everything was okay


26/11 - (untitled)

Its a funny thing, to be human.

1/12 - (untitled)


I had a very interesting year this year, possibly the most interesting year of my life. I faced tests that I have not faced before, learnt new things and (apparently) changed as a person. I have a feeling this is how its going to be for a very long time. Once you learn to accept

- being aware of the world
- different personalities
- all creation of God - test/blessing
- every moment is a test
- life is so short + unpredictable
- outcome of a situation is not up to us, the preparation + the reaction is.
- ^leads to a whole range of emotions -- don't push it down. deal with it.
- believer - a mirror for another believer
- when someone has an opinion about you - evaluate it. take it on board if its valid (be truthful with yourself. cut down on the ego). if you don't think it is, tell them why etc etc. best - consensus.
- priorities

---

So yes, it seems like I had a lot to say, but I must've felt overwhelmed every time I began writing, so I stopped. In fact, this is beginning to overwhelm me again (and I remembered how many chores I have left). So I shall stop.

Diagnosises and contemplation about unseriousness

This morning, I woke up, for the third time, feeling a little groggy. The weather isn't too warm yet. I have to get a whole lot of work done. I must be on my feet as soon as I can. So, I reached for my coffee machine, and didn't think twice before using the double shot filter. My mother was against setting up the machine, because she thought I'd develop a habit of drinking coffee, and then become dependent on it, and then ruin my life like other drug addicts. I have developed a habit, and I have become a little dependent (only on days like today). But the problem wasn't in 'setting up the machine' in itself. The problem was in reaching for coffee whenever I wanted to feel awake, even when I wasn't too sleepy. I realised, we spend a lot of time diagnosing and treating the wrong problems. And when the treatment doesn't yield the intended result, we get frustrated.

I was catching up on my psychopathology lectures (and thinking, I love this, why haven't I listened to these before?). Right now, all psychological disorders are diagnosed categorically - you either have it or you don't. This doesn't make sense, because we can all have symptoms of different disorders. Right now, psychologists draw a line (which is quite arbitrary) and say that this is what makes you eligible to have a disorder. They are changing that next year for some diagnosis into diagnosing dimensionally. The bottom line is, we all have a bit of something in us. We're all a little bit 'crazy'. Sometimes craziness is good. it can make you more creative than the average person. It can make you cleaner than the average person (OCD with cleanliness). It can make you more interesting. But when the craziness gets in the way of living, that is when it needs to be toned down.

One interesting disorder is Histronic Personality Disorder. Some analysts diagnosed Scarlett O'Hara to have it. I think I read Gone with the Wind in year 12. I loved the novel - I loved its development of the characters, which was achieved though its pace and language. It was one of those novels that pulled me right in and allowed me to be one of them. I loved Rhett Butler's bluntness. He was an interesting character - he was truthful and blunt, yet, filled with love for Scarlett. At that time, Scarlett seemed to be a typical woman to me. She never paid much attention to the chasing, she chased another man in her heart - an idolised version of a real person, she was sexy and she knew it, she managed a whole lot of trouble by pushing her emotions deep inside with 'I'll think about this tomorrow'. The other female character that was well developed was Melanie. She didn't have the ego of Scarlett, nor her flare. She was an emotionally stable, consistent woman. Because the novel is set up so that we look through Scarlett's eyes, Melanie seems like a plain girl who is always in the background. Anyway, so, Scarlett, to me, seemed to be on the right path, because most women that I have seen held that kind of an attitude. Therefore, when we were studying Histronic Personality Disorder, and she was used as an example, it made me look at her from a completely different perspective. When I read through the symptoms, she did seem to tick off all of them.

This was interesting, because, as I said, she seemed like most women I knew. This goes back to the notion of disorders being on a scale, rather than being categorical. I think, as humans, we should continually check ourselves for our weaknesses. This is why I find studying psychology to be extremely helpful. It makes people mindful of their own attributes which helps them catch themselves before falling too deep.

I found this post of mine a little accidentally, and I really liked the thoughts there. I was right to cherish the unseriousness of life. I still remember that day - I do remember looking out the window and feeling the beauty that I described there. This year, my mind seemed to be too cluttered to take life unseriously enough. But, I did like this year. It was a different experience, and it taught me a lot. When you try something new, only then can you know whether you will like it or not. I tried living in absolute strict routine, didn't work for me. I tried hardcore science, didn't work for me. I tried sitting in a class with a bunch of people confused over easy linguistics concepts, didn't work for me. I tried never saying no, didn't work for me. There are a few things in my life right now that aren't working for me. However, most things are. I made a list of all the things I know about myself, at the end of first year, in order to decide which career path I should take. And I don't regret it - I love psychology. I am not entirely sure exactly what niche I would like to go into, but I have an approximate idea at least! I should make another list and compare.

On another note - I should find some older friends to hang out with. I hang around too many little kids who make me feel old, both intentionally and unintentionally. (Yes, that's you, Sum. :P)

PS: I realise the photo has nothing to do with the post, unless you want to stretch your analysis and look at the thoughts as 'prying open my heart with my fingers, resulting in victory'. I used to post up slightly unrelated photos with my posts all the time, and I realised I haven't done so in a while. And its a pretty photo I took in May. :)  

Looking through window panes

Weddings have the potential to give one of two experiences - the time of your life or absolute boredom. When I know some of the guests well, it usually is wonderful. Everything becomes exciting - getting dressed, walking around in heels, taking photos, and of course, the food. If I know the bride and/or groom well enough, the speeches and slideshows are also fun to watch. The last few weddings I have been to have lived up to the expectation of providing the first experience. However, there was this one wedding, sometime last year, which made me look at bengali weddings from a completely different perspective. 

I went there from another event, so, I was not as dressed up as I would usually be. I didn't know the bride and/or groom at all, neither did I know any guests well enough. I remember feeling like a complete outsider as soon as I walked in. All the girls looked exactly the same - similar make up, hair and clothes. Everyone had polite smiles on their faces. They looked approvingly at everything that they resemble and disapprovingly at anything they didn't. I resorted to the good old fiddling with phone technique to avoid awkward interactions. The slideshows and speeches seemed very generic and cliched. By the end of the night, I literally felt suffocated by how hard they tried to maintain certain social expectations and how satisfied people felt at knowing that it was maintained well.

I think, the difference between the two types of weddings were whether they were able to make the guests laugh or smile with their eyes, or whether they forced a smile onto their lips. The difference was in how real the enjoyment was. I suppose its hard to cater for real enjoyment in weddings of people (read - parents of bride and groom) who know a whole lot of people from different walks of life. So, at the end of the day, its about how much you care about other people's perceptions of you (and how much you can afford to not care!). 

Three of my friends will probably get married sometime in the near future. It hit me quite suddenly this morning - they are all pretty amazing people. They have depth in character, have adopting/is adopting the attitude of learning from life, are not pretentious, somewhat to great problem solvers. All of them, at one point or another, have gotten on my nerves. But, somehow, things worked out well and them and I have grown closer through the problems we have faced. What I also realised is, the counterparts of these people also have quite amazing personalities. Its exciting to see how the future will unfold. 

A friend of mine recently had her twenty first. She invited quite a few girls to a restaurant. We got her some pretty cool gifts too, things that made her laugh and want to cry at the same time. I really enjoyed myself when I was there - the company of the girls, the jokes, the food, silly photos. Of course, there were people that I did not know too well. But, I still felt relaxed and was able to be myself. I think, most of the guests there felt the same. What was interesting was, when we posted the photos, people who were not there were able to tell how much fun we all had. More interestingly, I have been trying to organise some sort of meet up for some of the girls for a while. It never ended up happening, due to life, lack of motivation etc. But the amount of fun we had was a catalyst for those to wish to have a meet up. This made me realise that, sometimes, its important to show an example of how things can be, rather than trying to logically explain. 

The reason why I want some of these girls to meet each other is because having a group of amazing individuals is usually better than having scattered amazing individuals. Sometimes, life gets to us in ways that make us buckle our knees. Yet, we feel that we cannot buckle because others are watching us stand up straight. And if we buckle, we would be letting them down. When there is a tight group of support, its easier to stand up straight together. And when someone does fall, its easier to pick her up, than when she's by herself and falls alone.

In other news, I came across this blog while browsing. There was one post that I could relate to quite well - "If you ever find yourself looking at someone and thinking, 'you care too much', don't say it to them. Instead, tell them you love them, and you're luckier than hell that they crossed path with your life." I feel like this about my mum and my sister. It makes me wonder how they can care as much as they do.  

In other, other news, I like Lisa Mitchell's lyrics. NS gave me Neopolitan Dreams a few nights ago. Its about a person who misses another person, so she describes the second person. It reminds me of a couple who needs to be separated for a little while. In the process of which, the girl starts to think that she isn't his first priority, but tells herself to accept it anyway. I liked it because this is the sentiment shared by most of the girls I have seen in relationships from time to time.

She has another song called 'Time means nothing at all'. 

Do you know that I spend my days walking the streets and lanes

Looking through window panes

And out of quaint cafes

Me and myself - we have an ongoing war

There is an ongoing love affair

Given up keeping score.

Well I hope that we find each other before I lose myself

I hope that you get to me before my own worth

Time means nothing at all

Our minds are stronger than we give them credit for.

Undated, untitled

Lipstick woven dreams
Reach the violet sky;
The sweet scent of those words
Drift in sorrow.
They drift through open windows,
Across yellowed fields.
Drift inside your sleepy eyes,
Conjuring dreams of hope -
Blue bubbles of clouds,
An adventure?
A happy ending.

New Song

I was looking through my songs and poems, and I realised, the last bit of rhyme I wrote was in May. The time before that was October. In 2010, I wrote twenty three songs/poems. I admit, they are bad poetry to some. But I have always liked it. I think I decrease certain habits when I realise that someone I care about disapproves of an aspect of it. For example, I remember stopping by 365 photos last year when someone made a comment about how mundane they are. However, poetry, tunes, photography - they are all art. And no matter how bad they are, they somehow speak out what is in the heart. So I shan't stop creating bad art! :)

This is a draft I just typed up about the newest love of my life. Guess who? Hint: It's been about 5 months.

Verse 1:

So this morning, I realised,
I haven't written in a while.
Fell out of love, and stayed out here
I tried to think of lovely words
Fairyfloss and evening birds
Looked in my heart and found you, dear.

CHORUS:

Your smile, your dimples,
Your twinkling eyes
Illegible sounds you make
They sure suffice
They let me know you love me
And dear, I love you too
I tell you nearly everyday
Hope you know its true.

Verse 2:

You're the newest person I love
And I pray to God, up above
He keeps you safe, sound and bright
So when you sleep and have bad dreams
Or your mother denies you chocolate ice-cream
You know you can always come and hug me tight.

Future

Two months ago, I decided that the root of all my problems is going to bed late. After that, I think I attempted to sleep earlier. Sum developed an amazing cycle of sleeping 10 PM to 4 AM, more or less. That ensures that she can get most of her work done in a quite environment (everyone's asleep), without distractions (no one's online), with a fresh mind after sleep and during the time of baraqah. My mum has this sleep cycle too, and she is one of the most balanced people I have seen in my entire life. And of course, in general, we always hear that successful people wake up early, rather than stay up late. So, for a while, I did attempt to follow their examples. Sum and I texted each other before going to sleep and called each other to wake ourselves up. Not exactly sure what happened along the way, except, knowing myself, I think I came up with some lame excuse one day to stay up late, and thwarted my entire cycle.

So, the problem that must be addressed is not the fact that I do not sleep on time. It is the fact that I have very little self discipline. (Although, this is one of those chickens-and-eggs things). So, after repeated attempt and trying and failing to discipline myself, and seeing the negative results sprout up in every aspect of my life, I decided to do some research. A lot of the times, I have done things intuitively and later figured they were the right decisions to make. However, with this sort of a trial-and-error method, its very easy to lose track of what works and what doesn't. So sometimes, it helps to learn from other people's experiences and knowledge.

One thing that I have done right is this - thinking about why I should do something rather than how - ie: abstract thinking vs concrete thinking. Although personally, I remember getting results when I think concretely, rather than abstractly, so, I tend to force myself to do so. However, this is probably because concrete thinking gets you forward a few steps, and you only remember those first few steps. Abstract thinking may take time to take you forward, but, it makes you last longer in your decision. I think this is what I used when I decided to change my career path two years ago.

I also found another blog that gave five steps towards self-discipline. This was written by a guy who transformed his life quite majorly in fourteen years. He was one of those (read - us) bums who sat around all day without doing anything, highlight of whose living was hanging out with friends. He had no jobs, did not study, did not clean, did not eat healthy. Basically, if predicted his lifespan from his twenty year old self, he was probably supposed to die in five years. Fourteen years later - he is now a husband and father of two children. He gets up at five every morning, exercises six days a week, eats healthy, has a company on the side and is currently writing a book to be published soon. This gave me hope!

The five 'pillars' were pretty broad and intuitive - acceptance, will-power, hard work, industry and persistence. Its the details of each that were interesting, though. Basically, he said you should start from the level in which you currently are. You cannot expect to start getting up at 5 AM every morning, if your day usually begins at 10 AM. In which case, you should aim for 9.45, maybe. He also talked about targeting one specific field, instead of every field in your life that's falling apart. 'Make overs' do not work. This is where I usually go wrong. I try to jump too many steps, then gain a huge cognitive dissonance and fall further than where I began. He also said that will-power is not something that is meant to get your through your life. It is a short burst of energy that you are supposed to use in planning and setting the scene. If the scene is set, you can continue in your endeavour even after your burst of energy mellows down. Hard work, industry, persistence - working hard, smart and consistently (ie: the hardest part!).

On a (sort of) completely different note - B&B came over two nights ago. They seem much happier and much more at ease with each other. They made me realise that in a relationship, this is what I would want - for things to work out better in the long term rather than the short. It is natural for us to think that if we 'hit it off' with someone at the first go, that we would be compatible in a relationship. Of course, it depends on what sort of a relationship you want to be in. If you are looking for short term, without too many commitments, then going forward from 'hitting it off' would be the right choice. But, if you are looking to get into a long term relationship, its important to know what is important to both of you. We have a tendency to judge others based on our own criteria. If theirs do not match ours, we tend to think there is something wrong with their concept. But, its important to realise that a relationship is very personal, and would vary from couple to couple. What should be is not always what is, and that is fine, because you can always work towards what should be with what is.

Another thing I realised, again, is how important my family is to me. I love the fact that all eight of us can sit around the breakfast table and laugh for hours about some lame joke my dad cracked. I love how we can all go googly-eyed when we talk with little Z. I love how every one of us put in our little bit of contribution in cooking, cleaning and other mundane chores. I love that each of us have a different personality, and we have began to accept and cherish our differences. I love feeling 'at home' when I'm at home. There are many things I would like to change about myself. There are many different ways I would like to move forward. But, I realised, I would rather do them while keeping my family happy. And there are wisdom and blessings in doing so.

Its hard to get by just upon a smile

The first time I heard Yusuf Islam's songs were from a CD called 'A is for Allah'. I remember a particular song from there - God is the Light. (I only remembered bits and pieces, something about birds, something about buildings, something about men. I spent the past five minutes googling every possible combination to figure out what the actual title was.) This was one of the first songs we listened to when we came to Australia, and my sister and I sang a duet of this in a local halaqah of girls. I was ten and didn't care that I couldn't sing. :P Anyway, I just thought the song sounded nice. It wasn't until much later that I read the lyrics properly and understood them. The lyrics are great, but I like the idea behind them. The fact that we miss little things around us and forget about signs that should lead us to gratitude. Only when we stop for a moment, can we truly feel the specialness.

The next song I remember is 'I Look, I See'. This is also another one of those nasheeds for kids that I loved the sound of. We started listening to them again in the car when little Z rides with us. When A put it on the other day, I listened to the lyrics carefully, and loved it! He differentiates between 'seeing', and merely 'looking'; 'feeling' and merely 'touching' and so on. Its as if, everything you do, must have a deeper connection within yourself, and must have a purpose. Teaching to live life like this to children is amazing. You are teaching them from early on that you are not living to merely fill your senses with meaningless and purposeless activities that last only in the short term.

Then, a year or two later, A bought a CD called something like 'The best of Cat Stevens'. I remember being obsessed with 'Moonshadow', then 'Wild World' for a while. I actually still love those songs. Especially, 'Wild World'. I can relate to that completely every now and then. When I was in year seven, I remember coming home and crying to my mum about something that happened at school. My mum told me something about me trusting people too much, and having an overly positive outlook on life. She still tells me that, every now and then. Over time, I realised she's right. You can never rely completely on another person. But the problem is, this realisation hits me in the head, then leaves me when things become rosy again.

One thing I'm beginning to understand, is that life isn't easy, for anyone. We might look at someone and think they have things so much easier than us, or so much better. But we can never completely understand what is going on in someone else's life, no matter how much we try. Quick fixes are easy way outs, yes, but they last a very short time. Sometimes, we try to convince ourselves that something isn't a quick fix. We rationalise it in our mind and convince ourselves that there is nothing wrong with what we are doing. And there may not be any apparent wrong in it. However, quick fixes are always wrong, because of just their mere nature of being short lived.

It gets frustrating when you cannot get yourself out of a cycle. Certain things literally become addictions. And every time life throws you a lemon, instead of dealing with it as brutally as you can and making a lemonade out of it, you decide to chuck it in the corner and try your hardest to forget that it exists. But eventually, that lemon will rot, then you try harder to make yourself believe that the stench isn't there. I guess what I'm trying to say is - we run away from problems for so long that we think we can keep running forever. But one day, you will wake up as a forty year old, and realise you still haven't dealt with the problems you encountered at twenty. So, essentially, you haven't grown.

So, in order to not do that, what you do is this: identify your problems, come up with a plan to solve them, get some help and get on with it. The problem is, for some 'getting on with it' is the problem. Giving something up and sticking to it, or starting something and sticking to it, (basically, sticking to things) become the problem. And when things aren't stuck to, the cognitive dissonance that comes with it, also, then, becomes the problem.

Hmmmmm.

My parents are getting cuter with age. They are relying on each other more and more, they appreciate each other; they fight, but they know that they can't live without the other person. Lately, I have been talking to them more than I have in the past. When MR apu first proposed the idea that I discuss my future plans with them, I felt my eyebrows rise further than I thought they could. I had this notion that they are too busy and too dismissive. The irony is, I am often too busy for them, and just that notion I had tells me that I was too dismissive of them myself. So, I am talking to them a little more now. 

Surprises

I just realised how much I love surprises, again. Just the other day, a friend was talking about how my eyes lit up when he bought me coffee, a gesture that isn't too special, but I remember feeling very special. I remember getting a huge box of chocolate from SB and feeling a similar way. And I felt similar when my mum surprised me with the 7th book of Harry Potter, back in the year it came out, fresh out of her suitcase back from her visit to England. On my 12th birthday, my sister left my gifts underneath and on top of my pillow. I remember feeling very pleased to discover every bit of it - a lip gloss, a pack of gel pens, a little purple note book, a deodorant and a card. At twelve, that seemed like the best gift, ever. And when she came back from Canada with a little box of coffee. And the most recent one - a simple sentence of appreciation. No matter how ordinary something is, as long as it is unexpected, it can reduce me to tears. 

Fine line

You are wasting your time in unhappiness. Just be happy, find peace within yourself. There's a difference between being happy and getting everything you want. There is also a difference between feeling peace inside you in happiness, and feeling angry due to injustice to others. Peace comes when you let go of the injustices you feel against your own self in order to attain something greater. So, you don't need to get everything you want. You don't need to let go of fighting against injustice in the world. You just need to find that fine line called balance.

I got an email from one of my favourite girls. And this an excerpt:

"and i felt like sharing it with u =) www.youtube.com/watch?v=547B7XbTicI

but y'know how he says the people make u drown and u gotta help the other people up to survive yourself. loll now we gotta keep swimming :P"
I wanted to remember that. :)

High-ness factors

I feel awesome right now. I think I am on the height of my high-nesses. So, I felt like I should write down the reasons:

- I had a large mocha from my favourite coffee cart. For free. It was delicious.
- I have been eating healthy, and I feel like I am getting results.
- I just found a whole lot of useful resources for my essay. And I am understanding them. :D
- Regina Spektor's lyrics are very relateable, her voice and music isn't intrusive, works as perfect background sound.
- The people in my life are all reasonable happy with me.

Introspection

Things have improved greatly since my last post. Although I'm still quite sick, I have had a good amount of sleep, have eaten reasonably healthily and have been drinking a lot of water. So, physically, I feel much, much better. My emotions have also been sorted out. So, right now, I am a happy chappy little girl again. Alhamdulillah. :D

I did a MBTI questionnaire last night. In layman's term - this basically classifies you as one of sixteen types of personalities. Each type has specific traits. Although this test is a very basic one, (and there are several paid tests that you can do) it gave me some useful insights. Interestingly, I got the same result as I got 4 months ago. And as this blog testifies to a certain degree, my life has changed quite a bit over these 4 months. So, I expected to get something different, but I didn't. I also searched up my email to see whether I got different results in the past years.

In 2010, March and July - I got ENFP. This year, June, I was ISFP. Last night, I got ISFP again. Right now, I did another one and got ESFP. I know my introversion and extroversion is at a pretty similar level most of the time, so I'm not surprised at the change in E and I. And as I was discussing with a friend last night, knowing myself, swinging between N and S seems to be quite possible too. I have never really thought about it too much before. But last night, I realised, having different personality traits from the people around you cause a whole lot of clashes. Knowing your own self and knowing the traits of others can help in dealing with people. What seems frustrating at one stage becomes easier to handle, or at least, think about, when you know why something is happening. Your relationships would also become easier to handle when you learn to accept the traits of people you love. Instead of trying to change them, you would find it easier to conceptualise the idea of learning from them. Since you would know that certain things tick them off, it would be easier for you to tell yourself to learn to avoid doing those. So, friends and family who get on your nerves, but whom you love, would become much easier to deal with if you 'know' them well enough.

I found this photo yesterday on Facebook. It seemed to have articulated my thoughts on relationships quite well. My theory is: God brings you the right person at the right time. So, if the right person comes at the wrong time, things may not work out easily. Also, if the wrong person comes at the right time, things may not work out easily either. Sometimes, we get so caught up by the ways that society defines us, that we lose perspective of who we really are. So, a bengali girl who nears the age of thirty would be much more willing to 'settle' for a guy who she may not have considered before, because society is telling her the right time is passing her by. Also, two sixteen year olds, who perfectly complement each other, might be brushed off from getting into a long term relationship, by adults, because society is telling them they can't be in one.

I see relationships as being on a different timeline to professional commitments. I find the idea of 'waiting to graduate to get married' quite ridiculous. I also find the idea of choosing between being married and having a career quite ridiculous too. We are multidimensional creatures - we can handle more than one thing on our plates! We just need to find the right combination. So, you can't run away from one to the other. Ideally, each part of your life should complement the other parts. Hence, I don't like the idea of thinking of oneself as 'incomplete' until the right person comes at the right time. You are potentially as complete as you can possibly get at this particular moment. Everything in life can be a blessing and test. Thus, a relationship not necessarily would complete the 'you' that you are at this point (if you're not in one). However, at the right time, it will.

On another note - I am loving Regina Spektor. Her lyrics are very accurate in upholding an image of an idea.

This is how it works:
You're young until you're not;
You love until you don't;
You try until you can't.
You laugh until you cry,
You cry until you laugh.
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath.

This is how it works:
You peer inside yourself,
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you don't.
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some-
Someone else's heart,
Pumping someone else's blood.
And walking arm in arm,
You hope it don't get harmed.
But even if it does,
You'll just do it all again.

Eet

My body is in one of those haywire moments. I am stuffed with caffeine, milk and a few spoons of honey, along with a whole lot of junk food from yesterday. I have a headache, a runny nose, sore throat, stomach ache and some muscle pains. Lack of sleep for the past hours, plus the next few hours will probably lead to a complete collapse sometime soon. I have also gone through several epiphanies and a mixture of emotions for the past five days, leading to further haywiring of myself. So, if I were you, I'd stay away from me for a while. People like me can end up with a permanent head damage long before PhD is even dreamed of.

I wish quick fixes lasted longer.

Drama everywhere.

This blog has bore my thoughts since I was fourteen years old. I am now twenty one. If anyone wants to stalk my mind or carry out a psychoanalysis, this would be the place to start (and possibly end). I am generally very careful not to give out personal details, so if anyone wants to physically stalk me, they would be disappointed. As opposed to physical stalking, mental stalking has some advantages. Especially for a lost person like me, who still hasn't figured herself out, it helps when someone else observes and interprets myself for me. It also helps in keeping myself transparent. Sure, there are certain thoughts that I'd rather not expose to daylight, but I generally put out most thoughts here. So, if I happen to be a psychopath, somebody, someday, hopefully, will tell me.

Yesterday, at the end of another dramatic day, I realised how much I have changed in terms of accepting drama. In fact, it was only on the 11th of August that I posted about being 'dramia', and I remember liking being le Dramia. I remember liking drama for as long as I can remember - it spices up life. Yesterday, I realised, I don't find drama as amusing as I used to. I think its because I can now see the consequences of crossing limits. Every word and every action will be accounted for, somehow. In saying that, I don't think we should run away from drama if it falls upon us, either. It must be dealt with, but isn't as enjoyable as it used to be in the past. There goes my possible career path of being a marriage counsellor. Or any sort of counsellor. (And counsellors differ from psychologists. Look it up).

I have also recently taken an interest in politics. I am still only beginning to touch the surface, hence, I cannot understand intricate details of a lot of things yet. But, compared to the average human being, you can say I am no longer apolitical. It actually is very hard to be such a person in our current world. I lost faith in mainstream media a long time ago, and recent events are furthering my stance. However, it seems like no one can be trusted any more, when it comes to politics. Every single statement is an opinion, so, must be taken with a pinch of salt. In fact, there are so many opinions that are being thrown around from left, right and centre, opinions from people with very little knowledge, I am beginning to doubt the future of humanity (not really). Don't get me wrong - I love listening to people's opinions. But it gets problematic when they are based on incorrect or skewed information, or when they come from people who are opinionated just for the sake of being opinionated.

So, drama in the outside world and inside (?) world has led me to conclude a few things:
- Hardly anything surprises me these days.
- Being articulate, assertive, truthful and wise are the most important four aspects of communication.
- Being judgemental comes back and bites you in the backside.
- The more I know, the more I know how less I know.

In other news:
- I am now the proud owner of a coffee maker. I managed to go without coffee today. It does not feel awesome, but I think my body needs some detoxification.
- There are less than 2 months left till this semester finishes, including exams!
- I have started 365 photos again! This time - through instagram. My username is lamzity. Follow me if you like! (Nothing much to stalk here either).
- I have gone into a new plan which gives me free texting, and a greater downloading limit. But there are no free calls. So get ready to be text trolled by me. Constantly.
- Z got her first haircut today!
- I joined a gym! I have entered it once, to get my card et al. I am yet to start exercising.
- I wish I had some form of a Pensieve. 

53. The Star

When something is complex, yet simple, we call it beautiful. My mathematician friends call maths 'beautiful', but I don't usually see it, because I never stopped to think about the layers in mathematics. I just wrote the steps as they were taught, and that was enough for me. I have used it to describe visually complex things though (as most people do). For example, sunsets have always been beautiful to me. The way the world seems to slow down, the way the colours change gradually, yet, right before your eyes, that nostalgia you feel in your heart - that's what makes it 'beautiful'. So I suppose, beauty lies in the way something makes you feel. It lies in the complications which excite your emotions. Things that you cannot exactly put your finger on at the first go, but eventually realise that it all makes sense.

What made me think about beauty today is a chapter from the Quran - chapter 53. For a few days, I have been feeling very distracted when I try to engage in spiritual practices. I know why and when this happens. I need my feet planted right on the ground and also reach for the sky in order to grow properly. I think I have been floating around way too much and haven't stopped to put things in perspective. Its important to understand the purpose behind everything that you do and to be convinced that whatever you are doing is going to be of some use in order for you to completely 'want' to do it. So, since my head has been everywhere, I did not have my purposes set out in front of me, which led me to feel distracted.

So, my realisation is this: whenever you 'read' something, its not enough to just 'read' it. You must understand it, have a picture in your head and do something with it. If you don't, then either, whatever you're reading isn't worth it, or, you are not fulfilling the purpose of reading it. Given this premise, when it comes to the Quran, you are not giving it justice if you are just 'reading' it without understanding it. Although, there are blessings in everything about the Quran, including just reciting it. But, the Quran's purpose extends beyond recitation. Some level of understanding must be derived from it in order to even attempt at fulfilling its purpose.

The more you understand the Quran, the more 'beautiful' it would seem. There are verses in there that are easy to understand. Verses that provide comfort without you having to think about it twice. But, when you do think about it twice, it provides more comfort. There are verses that would apparently seem to go on in a logical progression, but when you think about them, you can see the logic. There are verses that make absolutely no sense when you read them at first. But when you look into them, you can see how coherent they are with the overall message and the context. For me, this particular chapter was like that. When I first read it, it seemed very similar to a lot of other chapters. A lot of familiar ideas seemed to be just placed together.

But here's the story: Muhammad (pbuh) came to a society which was at the pinnacle of moral decline. Any talk of morality that didn't comply with the society was faced with open ridicule. Since the message of Islam was starkly different to the prevalent ideas, the prophet invited people secretly for the first five years. (Although, oppression already started in Makkah, and some people migrated to Abyssinia (Ethiopia) because of it.) These verses were the first verses to be announced publicly. After he finished reciting them, majority of the people in the gathering fell to prostration, believers and disbelievers. The words were so eloquent, that even those who did not believe were shook up with them.

The chapter begins with defending Muhammad (pbuh). I find it amazing that God of the entire universe revealed verses to comfort and defend a man. And those verses, although it was meant for him at that time, are still there, and the Quran is for us, so, those verses are actually for us now. Allah knows how frustrating life can get when you are trying to do the right thing against all odds. It goes on to refute some other arguments of the disbelievers. The refutations work on their premises, not the premises set by the speaker. This is interesting, because, its a good reminder to us to work from where other people are, speak their language. When someone is passionate about a cause, its so easy to get carried away in their own little world, disregarding whether anything is absorbed by the listener or not. Another very interesting thing mentioned is the fact that arguments must be based on solid knowledge, not assumptions. This is just one of the many places in which Islam encourages seeking knowledge, being aware of reality, facing the truth; not hide away in our little boxes in pseudo comfort.

"Those who avoid the major sins and immoralities, only [committing] slight ones. Indeed, your Lord is vast in forgiveness. He was most knowing of you when He produced you from the earth and when you were fetuses in the wombs of your mothers. So do not claim yourselves to be pure; He is most knowing of who fears Him." (53:32)

I found this verse very interesting because it appeals to our core, the innermost selves in us. The fact that Allah knows us. The fact that we can't hide away, at all, we can't lie to Him, and no matter what happens, in the end, its between Him and every single person, individually. The following verses reinforce this.

The bit that actually led me to take an interest in the entire surah is this:

"And that it is He who makes [one] laugh and weep." (53:43)

Just yesterday, I was feeling very annoyed with myself. I had no idea (except for a tiny bit, maybe) why, and since I had very little idea, I couldn't do anything to get rid of the feeling. And I realised, people are absolutely helpless. You can take a thousand measures, but, there is no guarantee that you will stop feeling a certain way. And if you want to get rid of some negative feeling, the best you can do is make dua. At the end of the day He is the only one with complete control over what's in your heart.

The surah goes on to mention other points in which we actually are completely helpless at, then Allah poses the question - which of these favours can we doubt. That's the thing. If we accept everything we have in life as favours, if we can change our attitude so that the results don't annoy us, so that we can truly know in our hearts that every single thing that happens happens for a reason, we would be happy. And at the same time, knowing that Allah alone can bring justice, Allah alone will bring justice, to us and to others, makes you extremely scared and comforted, at the same time. And while you are at the height of emotions, Allah ends the chapter with the command of prostration.

That was a very short run down of the chapter, a very short and shallow run down. Yet, the fact that so many people fell to prostration to God after listening to this makes sense to me. Because, the basic ideas in itself are amazing. Now, adding layers of meanings that would be added due to the language and a more detailed version than the watered down summary, would make it beyond perfection. It would truly have been 'beautiful' - something that you can't quite put your fingers on, but something that makes sense.

Interesting people

I bumped into SD yesterday at Central. SD went to high school #2 with me, and just like most of my classmates from high school #2, I never got to know her too well. I can't remember ever having an one-to-one conversation that lasted more than five minutes. But yesterday, we had more than half an hour's worth of solid public transport time with each other. We had an interesting conversation going on - jumping from a lengthy discussion about which field of psychology we want to work in to what sort of guy we are look for to how we want to bring up our kids. One of the things we both agreed on was that neither of us want to work full time while we bring up children. You are moulding a generation when you bring up a child, and if you can help it, you do not want to make the same mistakes as you see around you. She said she wished she wrote down every thought while growing up, so that she remembers what its like. I was thinking, thank God for my blog, numerous diaries and bits and pieces of paper from my teen years. I look through those things sometimes, and even now (even though I am neither married nor a mother) I cannot feel the emotions I felt five years back. But at least they are there, emotions and events are documented. I love the idea of capturing moments so that we can look back on these and learn something from it.

I talked to two more people over the past few days - both about sixteen years of age. Both of them had very interesting thoughts, and probably felt like people didn't listen to them enough because of their age. One of them was from my scripture class. Her father grew up in Tunisia, got kicked out of the country at a young age because he wanted justice, travelled around Arab and ended up in Europe, met her mum while she was studying in an university in France, got married, had kids, came to Australia, went to Medina, came back to Australia. She is a very intelligent, mature young woman who is attuned with the reality of both the world and her life (mostly the world). She loves studying politics - her energy shows in the way her eyes light up when she talks about her ideas. She is also very sure about her ideas and she makes decisions based on surety. This increased my respect for her exponentially. I am about five years older than her, and I still don't have my life sorted out. I am still fumbling with life, trying to figure out where I should be going, trying to understand the world situation and unsure about where I stand with my viewpoints.

The other person that I talked to fascinated me with the clarity of her thoughts as well. She has some very unusual health conditions. She was talking to me about the way her body felt, her thoughts, her interactions with others and the changes that occurred. I was amazed at her ability to express her emotions in a way that I understood, but also in a way in which she did not feel violated. That is an amazing skill that I am yet to master, because most of the time, I don't have my emotions sorted out enough in my head. She also had a surprising level of manners. I actually felt quite rude because I was checking my phone quite frequently because I was running late.

And then there's Sum. Sum, the other sixteen year old (and the most important one) in my life, graduated yesterday. I saw her grow up from an annoying six year old smartass who knew way too much for her own good (not really, she just knew more than me, which annoyed me. :P), to a beautiful young woman. As she described it, she is indeed my 'sister in all but blood' and one of my closest friends. Its nice to know what she's thinking, and its nice to let her know what I'm thinking. I shall not talk too much about you in this space since I know you're reading it, Sum. :P

One of my closest friends went through a major transformation recently. In fact, when transformations are of this scale, everything seems surreal. I feel closer to her more than ever, and I hope she does too.

In fact, when I think about it, my life is so perfect right now. Yes, there are a thousand things that I have to do, but the process of it isn't so bad. Because I am happy. :)

Hatin' on people

When I was in year 12, I wrote a blog post called '6 things I hate about you', listing qualities that I absolutely hate. So, lately, certain things about certain people are bothering me. It seemed to me that what they say is not entirely what they think. Or, maybe, what they are saying is not yet what they are thinking, but they are trying to adopt a certain way of thinking, and attempting to do so by saying things that align to that particular way. This is absolutely fine. In fact, I oppose the idea of saying everything you're thinking to every single person. The reason is, not everyone knows the person that you are, they only know you through the 'window that you open to them' (quoting Apuni). Thus, if the first window that you open to them shows something extremely negative, they will have trouble digesting it, and it will shadow subsequent thoughts about you.

When you open more and more windows, they begin to see more and more bits of you. Thus, the more you open, the more they know 'you'. What bothers me is when you think you know a person, because you think they have opened up lots of windows, but they really haven't. They just pretended that some of those windows never existed. The natural thing to do is, when you know someone is opening up windows, you would open yours too. So, when you realise that while you have been showing all of 'you' to someone, they have been showing none of themselves, it has an elastic effect. You begin to shut down your windows.

Going back to that list of 6 things - I guess I still hate hypocrisy the absolute most.

'Nother Epiphany

If I want to do something, I cannot wait till the future to do it. I cannot wait for chances to work themselves out - I must create them.

I shall zen-fy my room as much as possible, as soon as possible. Who needs an apartment when you can live for free - with the people you love, with food, clothing, warmth etc - in a place overlooking the Blue Mountains?

(PS: By zen-fying, I mean de-cluttering. Just googled what zen rooms look like - and some of them aren't what I would say de-cluttered is. So, let me rephrase - I shall de-clutter my room as much as possible, as soon as possible.)

Sleep, food and philosophy of life

I have figured out the root of all my problems. Whether my day would be awesome or horrible is determined by whether I am tired or not. That is, more or less, determined by the amount of sleep I have. When I wake up early, I tend to get more things done and I tend to be my happy chappy self, which in turn feed into each other. Hence, I must wake up early. Therefore, the amount of sleep I have is determined by my bedtime. Therefore, going to bed late is the root of all my problems.

I just had an amazing mug of mocha. I took a few teaspoons of Lindt hot chocolate flakes (a gift from SB - cannot thank him enough!), one teaspoon of cheap coffee (although it claims to be 'gourmet' on its tin), a mug of milk and whipped cream - and created magic! That, along with the thought that 'I have figured out the root of all my problems', has lessened my dampened spirit a little. The secret of un-dampening your spirit is to spill all your thoughts in some way (I prefer to do so in writing), put them in their respective categories, sort out the ones that aren't making sense, decide what to do next, and get on with your life.

Ramadan was quite okay in terms of balance. However, the last few days have been horrible - every skill I supposedly gained/maintained throughout the month seemed to have gone down the drain. This made me realise yet again that we cannot ever think we've accomplished something. Yes, we must recognise it when we have made an improvement, or know we have done something right. Then we must thank God for making us able to do it, because, nothing can be done without Him. Every single step of our life is guided by Him.

Amongst the many practices I love in Islam, one of them is dhikr. 'Dhikr' can be loosely translated to 'remembrance' - these are words that you repeat over and over again in your mind or out loud. The reason why I love it is because, although they are words that you utter with your tongue, when used properly, they have the power to change your attitude, give you peace and strength. These things then give you that extra push to do what is right and eventually get you where you want to be. One of the dhikrs I love is 'la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah'. Arabic is such a rich language that it cannot be translated and done justice to. So, one article I've read broke it down in this way:

The phrase may be translated word-by-word as:

lâ = no, not, none, neither
hawla = change, alteration, transformation, movement, motion
wa = and
lâ = no, not, none, neither
quwwata = strength, power, potency, force, might, vigor
illâ = but, except, if not
bi = with, to, for, in, through, by means of
Allâh = Arabic name for the Supreme Being

So basically, it means, there is no change/transformation/progress/power/strength/might except through Allah. I love this concept. When internalised properly, it brings your feet right back to the ground. It also prevents one from preventing oneself from trying to reach high in order to stay humbled. Because, at the end of the day, every thought and action of yours, every opportunity, every moment that is good is from Him.

So in summary - keep climbing those steps. If you stumble, its okay. Figure out what went wrong, fix it, then keep going. If you find yourself feeling like you've climbed a great number of steps, look up and you'll see how much more is left. If you find yourself feeling like you haven't climbed enough, look down and you'll see you've come a long way. And thank God for allowing you to keep your balance while climbing.

Stay Beautiful

I heard this song recently, and I really liked the lyrics. Quite a few people came to my mind when I heard it. I am surrounded by beautiful people. :)

Corey's eyes are like a jungle

He smiles, it's like the radio
He whispers songs into my window
In words that nobody knows

There's pretty girls on every corner
That watch him as he's walking home
Saying, does he know
Will you ever know?

You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know, you're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone

And when you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh, but if it don't, stay beautiful

Corey finds another way to be
The highlight of my day
I'm taking pictures with my mind
So I can save 'em for a rainy day

It's hard to make a conversation
When he's taking my breath away
I should say
'Hey, by the way'

You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know, you're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone

And when you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh, but if it don't, stay beautiful

If you and I are a story
That never gets told
If what you are is a daydream
I'll never get to hold, at least you'll know

You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know, you're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone

And when you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my front door
Oh, but if it don't

Will you stay beautiful
A beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful
A beautiful, beautiful?

Oh, but if it don't
Stay beautiful
Stay beautiful

xD

A friend's fiance once dubbed me 'Dramia' - my life is filled with drama, apparently. I didn't understand it back then, because to me, it seemed like everyone else's life was filled with drama, and mine's a tad bland. Since I cannot relate to the people who undergo drama, I always find them amusing. There have been incidences when I had to force myself to walk away from a certain place in order to not burst out with laughter, which would have caused a great deal of offence to the people involved. Only recently have I realised my relationship with 'drama' - I dramatise things even though they are not meant to be such. In retrospect, I realise my actions are cringe-worthy to the point where I would like to forget about them. For eternity. But since I cannot, after a considerable time has passed, I laugh at my own actions too and shake my head at how silly I was.

Time has gone so fast this year! B2 came to Australia some time in February, nanu came in March, I turned 21 in April, got my Ps, went on driving rampages and crashed the car in the next two months or so, little Z was born in June, dramas occurred, friendships broken and made, experiments with life, work, studies, emotions happened. And then Ramadan came. Alhamdulillah, Ramadan is going sort of as planned. I think, as long as the main purpose is served, and you come out of a certain period of time/experience with some life lessons, it is worth it, even though things may not be going perfectly according to plan.

Eid is about a week away. I have already decided what I shall wear, but I just need to fix it up inshaallah. My mother would be very happy that I decided to touch the sewing machine. Although, I am not sure whether I should risk putting my beautiful dress through the dodgy machine we have at home, or whether I should gulp down my embarrassment and take it to someone else's house. I do feel pretty excited - I haven't quite 'dressed up' nor 'accessorised' in a while, and it would be a good break from being an adult. Celebrations always makes me feel a little crazy. I remember, during a picnic after Eid (last year?), Sum made me run through some water fountains with the other little kids. Then we sat in the sun and dried ourselves out as much as we could, which wasn't much in my case. I had a dinner invite right after... not a pleasant sight for them I suppose!

I have had a cold for so long, I can't even remember what its like to have a clear nose. I remember, once upon a time, I used to stay completely sickness-less for months and months, and I would miss being sick, because it meant I get to miss out on school. Now that my commitments have changed exponentially, trying to stay in bed would mean missing out on my own life, which I like. :( Must. Do. Something. About. Nose. Tea isn't helping all that much, and tissues seem to hate my face. Speaking of tea - I stayed without coffee for the first 15 days of Ramadan! And then I had a relapse in which I drank a large cappuccino from Gloria Jeans, a size that was beyond my abilities even in my addiction days. But alhamdulillah, I am beginning to recover slowly. I  bought really cheap coffee, which probably has very little caffeine in it, and I am drinking it every 2-3 days, instead of every single day. And I am not entirely dependent on it even during the days I do drink it. Alhamdulillah. :)

5 things I admire about my mother

1. She's very organised.

My mother is exactly the opposite of me in this respect. She knows exactly how much her plate can hold and won't sign up for any more than that. Whenever she takes responsibility for something, she makes sure she tries her best to do the job up to scratch. She manages her time quite well, and yes, there are a few secrets to it that I have discovered, but yet to master. For example, she starts her day by praying tahajjud every single day. She cries her eyes out to the only Being that can help her and pours her heart out to Him. Then she reads and studies the Quran, then takes a little bit of a rest before getting up for work. She has a healthy breakfast before work and takes healthy food for recess and lunch. Working with kids mean that she has to walk around the entire day. When she comes home, she cooks, or cleans, or makes some phone calls, or works on her school chores. She goes to bed around 10 pm if she can.  Even if she procrastinates a little about some things, she makes sure she gets back on the horse before its too late. 

2. She's very consistent in her good deeds. 

I don't know how she does it without getting bored, but there are some set things that she never lets go of. Tahajjud, studying Quran for a certain amount of time, all the compulsory prayers in their times, reciting morning and evening dhikrs and reciting suratul Ya-sin before going to bed. I asked my mum whether she gets bored, and she said she doesn't. I cannot understand how anyone can stick to anything for that long (she has been practising a lot of these for as long as she came to know about them). 

3. She's still one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. 

When I was little, I used to think she is the prettiest lady on the planet. As I grew up, I saw other pretty ladies and realised my mum isn't exactly miss universe. However, even to this day, my mum is one of the most beautiful women I have ever come across. She has a physique that I have always wanted, but probably never will have. Her balanced lifestyle also means that she is fitter than the average bengali woman in her late forties. 

4. She usually has quite practical ideas about life. 

A part of my mum liked to dream about little things, like me, for example - she always wanted a little red car. She also used to talk about going on a world trip, just her and her husband, after all her kids have grown up and started to live independently. During full moon, she opens her curtains as wide as possible, and sings a really old song, with nostalgia in her voice. However, when it comes to making serious decisions, my mum is probably one of the most practical ones at home. Her experiences has sort of pushed her to see the downside of life at times, but it helps. Most of the predictions she makes somehow comes true. As opposed to her, my life plans usually don't seem to work out. :(

5. She is one of those people that tries to seem quite tough, but inside, they are sweet and soft-hearted.

Ramadan

Ramadan began about a week and a half ago. Every Ramadan is somehow eventful, whether it is full of mistakes and regrets, filled with refreshing changes, or a series of epiphanies. This is no surprise when you think about what this month is about. Its when the shayateen (devils) are chained up in Hell, so you are less inclined to commit evil out of a spur. Its when God pours blessings into the world, so if you look for it, it is much easier to find in this month. I have been extremely blessed because I grew up in an environment that constantly encouraged me to see the world a little bit more clearly. To not have blind faith in something that is based on nothing.

When I was little, Ramadan was exciting because of the special food, and the overall feeling of celebration. Living in a Muslim majority nation, we had the privilege of fasting as a whole nation. We would eagerly wait to sight the moon, run around in excitement when we could see it with our own eyes from the backyard and tune into special TV programs released specifically for the Eve of Ramadan. Sometimes, the moon was sighted really late at night, and mum would have to began cooking when its time to sleep. We would wake up a few hours later, stuff ourselves with as much rice and curry as we possibly could, pour in some water if there was space, and go back to sleep as soon as we could. The whole day would be either spent reading the Quran, or reading something else, or watching TV, or sleeping, or playing - anything that would distract us from food did its job. In the evening, we would eat things that we would not normally have the time or energy for. Once again, we would stuff ourselves with the most unhealthy things possible. Ma did try to implement some sort of health rules, and we would often have a few pieces of fruits in addition to the above!

When asked why I fasted, I could tell you the reasons that were taught to me, reasons that I practically had memorised, but never truly internalised. I fasted to feel how the poor people felt. I also knew that 'Ramadan' means 'to burn'. And I knew that this is the month to burn sins. However, that is as far as my knowledge and understanding went. This was okay until I reached puberty, because, no sins are incurred before that. So, even though I may have slipped in a few snacks here and there, without letting any other human beings know, it was okay.

The problem starts when you reach puberty without the proper understanding of implications of your actions. My knowledge and understanding of Ramadan did not really improve, so I was stuck in a repeated cycle of trying to 'force' myself to follow something that I did not understand. Yes, I had hope, that I would be forgiven, because Ramadan is indeed the month where sins are burnt, but at the same time, that hope was pretty baseless and often resulted in me just blocking out the thought of the consequences altogether. This doesn't mean every single day of every single Ramadan was spent like this. There were times when I truly had love, hope and fear. But there were also times when I gave into my temptations.

My first fruitful Ramadan, that I can remember, was in 2007. I had specific goals that I wanted to reach, I understood the meaning of dua and I explored my understanding. I came out of it a changed person. In 2007, a lot of things happened that did indeed change me for the better, alhamdulillah. However, the years that followed were not so good. But the important thing is, that every single mistake that you make can be remedied, every sin can be repented for and every blunder can be learnt from.

In Islam, it is emphasised over and over again, that the life of this world is merely a testing ground for the life of the Hereafter. It is short, and unfair, and things would happen that you may not like, but in the end, what matters is the decisions that you make. Yes, there are consequences for your decisions that you must bear. But, your entire life is not a series of consequences. It is a mixture of new tests, and consequences of past tests. So, whether something results in worldly success or failure has not much to do with the real success/failure. At the same time, you are expected to be a responsible global citizen, thus, live a life that is sustainable. So, in a nutshell, the aim is to strive for balance. You need to focus on both your ownself, and on the world. You cannot help fix the world in a sustainable way if you are a mess. Also, you would be very selfish to only focus on fixing yourself up and let the world slide in its problems. All of these, must be done in the light of love, hope and fear of God. Because God loving, merciful and just. So, by responding to all tests in the way that God wants you to respond, you worship Him. And that is the purpose of us, as explained by Islam - to worship God. This can be applied to every single situation, and in a very practical way.

In light of our purpose, Ramadan is a mercy from God. Because it is a relatively safer time to take care of one's faith, and also, a time that is filled with blessings, so, every reward for every good deed is multiplied. So, it is a month where we find that balance. It is a time to detoxify ourselves and go back to a state of inner peace - the essence of Islam.

The other implication of putting this life in context of the Hereafter, is that, you realise that in reality, you have zero power. After death, that's it. Your book is written, no more negatives are taken out, nor positives added. You don't know where you'll end up. And you don't know when death will come. Thus, you are solely at the mercy of God. Thus, in Islam, as well as the emphasis on inner peace and balance, the concept of gaining forgiveness is also emphasised, over and over again. In this way, all of the purposes of Ramadan are tied together. The Prophet said: anyone who fasts the month of Ramadan, out of faith and confident anticipation of God's rewards, will have their past sins forgiven. So, by gaining that balance, by relying completely on God, with actions and intentions, can one truly understand what Ramadan is about. And if that is done, this month truly becomes a special, life changing one. 

Facing Fears

When I was in year 9, one of my teachers recommended a book to me - 'Does my head look big in this?'. It was about a typical teenager who decided to put on the hijab and create some other changes in her life. I don't remember much from it, apart from the fact that it was a very typical teen flick type of read (can books be 'flicks?'). I also remember that the main character was inspired to put on the hijab after watching some random TV show, instead of a heart wrenching/logical lecture/discussion/the usuals. I just remembered this again, because, I just finished watching a very random teen flick on YouTube, and I feel... quite inspired! The name isn't even worth mentioning. Yes, I am twenty one and I just got inspired by one of those Disney movies made for thirteen year olds.

I am not sure if I was always a scared little kid inside, but for the past month or so, I am realising that I have a major tendency to hold back. I have been holding back from facing my shortcomings, facing truths, making the right choices, being honest with myself and simply just doing whatever I am able to do. I don't think I ever trusted my full abilities. And I don't yet know what they are because I have a major fear of failing. Thankfully, my life is not filled with too much drama, hence, this 'holding back' did not cause trouble that cannot be fixed with little effort. I realised I am not nearly as assertive as a healthy person should be. God put me in situations where I made life harder for myself because I was not assertive. From next week, I will start a new stage of my work as a 'shadow' for one of the kids I work with. This means that I will be helping him communicate and interact with others in his pre-school. His mum was telling me that the ladies who run the place are quite passive-aggressive, and I must be strong in order to deal with them properly. His mum is my employer, so I am obliged to follow her instructions more than I will be obliged to follow the people who run the childcare. This scared the hell out of me! I absolutely hate saying 'no' and there are lots of things that make me feel guilty. But I think (and forced myself to agree with myself), this would be a perfect opportunity to train myself. If I am with them for two hours per day, twice a day, I will be bound to learn how to deal with them. So, I am looking forward to it, but sort of in a way that you look forward to horror movies.

The worst that can really happen in this world is not so bad. And Allah finds a way out for those who place their trust in Him.

I remember making a good, but rash, decision a couple of months back. When I told NS, she opposed it very much, and said I would not be able to stick to it because it was so rushed. Turned out she was right, I was not ready for that decision. AA once said that when you get hurt, yes, it heals. But you need to allow it to heal the right way. If you put the wrong stuff on top, it might make the wound worse. Both of them makes very much sense. I need to follow certain steps to follow through with the decisions I make, in order to create some real change, in order to heal properly, instead of just covering up a hole with dodgy bandages.

So yes, Allah finds a way out for those who place their trust in Him, but they need to make sure that they are taking the necessary precautions and paving their way as it is given to them. Otherwise, they will be left trying to reach the top of a very steep mountain with one single jump and hope for a huge miracle. Miracles definitely happen, but, often, wishing for a miracle is the easy way out. Either that, or we just need to change our perception of what a 'miracle' is. Let me give you an example. One of my ABA kids' house is a half-an-hour walk from the station. If I walk fairly fast, I can get there in twenty minutes. Being the unfit and occasionally self-concious person that I am, I never run it. In fact, I stopped running for public transport (unless its less than two minutes) about five years ago. The other day, I left their house 15 minutes before the train. I half ran and half walked for a few minutes, waited and desperately prayed for the bus for about two more, then decided to run. I ran for ten minutes, chucking my self-consciousness out the window. I was making dua the entire time. I felt like I wouldn't make it, and if I was my usual self, I would just walk slower and catch the next one, moving my next commitment back for half an hour. But I kept running, even though I felt very out of breath and my legs giving in. I made it in the end. To me, that was miraculous.

I realised, every time I thought that something was a 'miracle', that thing was a result of dua, but I believed, 100%, that the dua would be accepted. (But I would consider it miraculous because there would be no logical explanation for it to occur in normal situations.) Hence, I worked for it in the little time I had, even though, to another person, that effort I put in would have seemed very futile. I forget this all the time. I forget this and I give up sooner than I should.

One of the many things (or few, depending on where you're standing) that bug me is people's strong urge to label everything. If someone shows a few particular traits of being a certain way, why must we label them and define them so solidly? I think people have bits and pieces of a whole lot of identities, and those bits and pieces are precisely what makes them. Why take one bit and define their entire self with it? There is a certain way I am supposed to be, because of the identity that society places on me. Or the identity that people get the vibe of from the window that they view me through. I suppose it does not have to be like this. This is one of those things that happen only if you let it. If you don't let yourself be defined by the definitions of others, then you will not be.

I guess one thing that comes out of all of these realisations is the realisation that I absolutely loath the feeling of guilt. There are two ways out of guilt - you forget about the reason for the guilt and move on with your life; or, you deal with it, and move on with your life. The way to deal with it can be in two ways - you give in to whatever you were doing and block out the little voice in your head; or, you take tiny steps to turn towards the positive outcome. Usually, I just try to forget about it altogether and move on. It seemed like the right way for a very long time, because there were often none or very little negative consequences. But as you get older, and more responsibilities come upon you, it becomes harder to live by forgetting bits and pieces of your life. It is much easier to recognise, accept, swallow the consequences and learn from an experience.

Reflections

Right now, I am sitting at the dining table, with a coffee, a song playing in the background and a smile on my face. The reason is that work was cancelled this morning. I absolutely love the kids I work with. I love how their eyes light up when they see me. Yesterday, kid #2's mum told me, "I know this isn't just work for you. I know you love him." And that filled my heart. But at the same time, its a responsibility. So, when it is cancelled, I do tend to get a little happy. :P

I was reading my old posts the other day. I realised, there are so many things I can learn from my own life. Mistakes that I have made in the past are bound to be repeated, because, God created me with certain weaknesses and certain strengths, and they will always be my weaknesses and strengths. I cannot deny I have them, nor can I be feel extra good/bad about them, because they are given by God. The correct response is to accept I have certain traits and qualities. If its a bad thing, I can be aware of it so that I can manage it. If its a good thing, I can use it to get productive outcomes for myself and for others. 

They say that you are an average of the five people you spend most of your time with. Its so important to have a mentor in your life that you spend a quite a lot of time with, in order to keep things in perspective. I made a list of mentors for myself, sometime at the beginning of this year. I went back to it a few days ago, and I realised, I have not been using them as much as I should. I guess, when there is a slight gap in communication, its hard to jump back and start the communication again. So, the easiest thing to do is keep the communication superficial, and delay it as much as possible. However, one should never let that slight gap occur with the important people in their lives. In order to do that, its important to define who these important people are. When that gap does occur, and when you realise that it has happened, make a jump backwards as soon as possible. 

At the end of the day, this life was never meant to be perfect. We are all meant to make mistakes, then fix them. And there is nothing you can do by yourself. The moment you begin to think you are enough for yourself, is the moment you start to destruct yourself. Balance is the key to survival. And dua is the key to everything - balance, survival, gratitude, problem solving, communication - everything.

Numbers

I'm not sure exactly when it was that I stopped basing my goals and expectations on numbers. When I was 16, I remember having long discussions with SS et al and deciding that twenty-three is the best age for marriage. Also, I've always had a fixed weight that I wanted to reach (apparently and unfortunately I picked one that was impossible to get to). I wanted three kids, wanted to marry someone who would be three years older than me, gave great importance to birthdays and planned for the exact duration and number of times I should do certain things. But somewhere along the line, I stopped caring about birthdays. I mean, I still think they are special, because its a reminder that your life is passing you by and its often filled with surprises. The fun part is, I have zero expectations about birthdays now. So, when anything happens, any gifts that come along - everything becomes a surprise. And pleasant surprises make me smile like there is no tomorrow.

I have also scrapped the ideas of three kids, a three year age difference between ze (still-to-materialise) hubby and I, and the idea of the perfect age for marriage. Also, with great surprise, I realised I don't care about the number of the scale any more. My ideas have become more conceptual and general. I noticed this when I was talking to RIS about dhikr (remembrance of Allah). There are several hadiths about the number of times we should say certain words in order to gain a certain reward. Those used to motivate me greatly a few years ago. However, now, the concept of something like 'keeping your tongue wet with dhikr' (Tirmidhi) appeals to me much more.

I think this happens when you step out of your self and look at life from a bird's eye view. You realise, that somehow, everything must fit together. The specific numbers are not so important because the desired effect/result of a certain thing depends so much more than the number. If the words that you are uttering are not from your heart, nor reaches your heart, why would it have the same effect as someone who utters the same words out of complete conviction in belief? This does not mean that numbers are not important at all, of course. You need a minimum amount of certain things in your life in order to survive, although you may not often understand their importance until much later. This relates to something I've learnt in my first year psychology lessons. Forcing yourself to utter/do something for a certain number of times is the action that affects your attitude in the long term. Which, in turn, helps to set off this long process (one of those photos from one of those Facebook groups):

When it comes to religious rituals, of course, numbers matter when numbers are part of the set ritual. But I think, the main reason for doing any ritual a certain way is because of compliance to God, any other reasons would be secondary. So, the number of times that we offer Salah is most importantly important because it was set by God to be that way. Whether it makes your day optimally productive for the affairs of this world or not is a secondary reasoning. However, when something is not divinely revealed, it is always up for discussion. Also, I find that if I am focusing too much on a specific number, I lose my focus from why that particular action is important. For example, I find it to be much harder to keep with a healthy diet with a target weight in mind. But if I just think that I need to eat healthy to be healthy because of its numerous benefits, it becomes much easier to take a smaller bite out of a chocolate cake.

Therefore, most numbers are currently arbitrary in my life. xD  

All those pieces that I have found

Ramadhan is about three weeks away. Every year, I look forward to this time, yet, when it gets close, I feel like it came way too fast. Quite a few things happened in the last few weeks that disoriented me. But what really tired me out, was the lack of a constant and consistent source of spiritual revival. I remember this quote I wrote down a long time ago - "Nothing is easy if you seek it through yourself. Nothing is difficult if you seek it through your Lord." There are times in your life when you realise the truth of something you have discovered in the past. And you think, how could I have been so stupid as to let myself forget a lesson I learnt and allow myself to go through the entire process again? But then you realise, that is part of living the life of this world. You can climb ten steps then fall all the way again. But the trick is to keep searching for the handle to hold onto. And to try your best to keep climbing.

The past few weeks have also showed me the consequences of lack of prioritising. Actually, the full consequences have not shown itself yet, and there is a huge chance that I may need to carry it with me for a few years. However, this fear that I feel is causing me to not face the thought of thinking about the consequences. But at the same time, I know, just trying to forget about something without dealing with it only takes me further away from climbing up those steps. There are several things that we don't want to do, even though we know that doing them will be good for us. We find excuses to get out of and try to convince ourselves that they are valid reasons. But running away from responsibilities don't make them go away. I guess all we can do is keep forcing ourselves to be absolutely truthful with our own selves.

I have also re-learnt that you cannot, ever, keep everyone happy. There will always be some people that will be unhappy with you. But you have to choose those people carefully. I guess this comes down to prioritising as well. I feel like I need a proper dose of EE's presence in my life. She is a walking, talking, breathing example of a balanced person. Mother of five, a student of knowledge, volunteer worker, great cook and very, very bubbly. She is one of those people that you wish you had the attitude of. Attitude is something that can be learnt, so, I really wish I had some time to spend with her to diffuse it into myself.

Lessons

So a few nights ago, at around 12.30 AM, I began cleaning my room. I cleaned out my entire cupboard - got rid of clothes that I forgot existed (or wished to forget!), arranged the remaining clothes, soft toys and handbags in a conventional feminine manner. I cleaned out my entire bookshelf, chucking out a whole lot of papers. I cleaned out my jewellery, wiping everything down. I was very proud of my achievement (and still am), yet, I realised, it still looked 'messy' to outsiders. To me, it looked perfectly fine, because the major furnitures in my room were neat and tidy. But I still have some books on my bed, some on the floor, pens here and there, a coffee cup and some clothes and a handbag on the chair. This does not bother me, because I know exactly where everything is, and I still have enough space to live comfortably. This is when I realised, I can never live in complete and utter neatness. To me, the way things are right now, seems to be where they should be - I am aware of everything that is happening in this space. If I took a bit more time in cleaning it further, and cleaning every single day, it would seem neat to everyone else too. But, to me, that doesn't matter. Because this is my space.

My point is, I realised, I like the general ideas of things rather than details. I have a general idea of how my life should be and how its going. I have a general idea about the person that I am. The moment I start thinking about specifics is the moment I feel stressed out. But this makes sense to me, because, specifics change constantly. General ideas usually remain the same. So, in making decisions, I would make sure that there's in nothing wrong in an overall sense, rather than, looking at the decision in detail and trying to figure out if there is a possibility of something going wrong. And I like doing this, because, it allows me to live a simple and happy life.

One beautiful idea BDR was talking about the other day was - every single communication that you have causes chemical changes in your brain, thus, affecting your emotions, whether it be in a tiny way or a huge way. Physical communication is of course the type that causes the greatest amount of change, however, even exchange of words through typing can cause it. So, its very very unlikely, that the way that you are at the beginning of a conversation, is the way that you remain at the end of it. I think this is why I love communicating. I love talking to people, because, they change me a little by little.

One concept I talked about a few posts back was about not letting people into your hearts. After a friend pointed out the flaw with that concept, I realised, it is indeed flawed. It is a defence mechanism that you set up in order to not hurt yourself. Which, if you think about it, is fair enough. We are wired to protect ourselves in any way we can and this is one of the ways we would do so. However, I realised that there is a better way to create a balance between your interactions with people and your position with yourself. "Be with the Real without creation. Be with creation without your ego." (Jilani). When you talk to interact with people, open your mind completely so that your ego does not get in the way. If something is pointed out to you that's flawed, accept it. See things as it is. Most importantly, never stop interacting with people. We were created to be social, and thus, losing parts of it would mean losing the balance that was meant for us. But at the same time, when you are with the Real, alone with your Creator, with God, just your mind and Him, be truthful. Be completely and utterly truthful and sort things out with Him, without letting any creation enter in that interaction. Make sure things make sense to yourself. Don't let someone else's idea cloud yours if it doesn't make sense to you. However, don't reject it if it does.

This all makes sense in my head, and I felt the need of writing it down just in case it makes sense in someone else's. Also, I was reading my past posts, and I realised, there are many lessons that I have learnt in the past that I forgot. When this is written in this space, it allows me to re-learn them every now and then.

One lesson that I re-learned in the past few days, is this: "But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah knows, while you know not." (2:216) There were times in my life when I thought, why me? Why, even after trying so hard, am I failing? I made dua, I tried my best, I invested all of my emotions into one particular task, and I still failed. Over and over again. it got to a point where I was averse to the idea of it altogether. And then I finally passed that worldly test. Then I had an accident which could have been much worse than it was. And it seems like all those times that I hated the fact that I failed, maybe, the sadness I felt in my heart, and the duas, maybe all of them added together and reduced the impact of this. The accident could have affected me in such a way that I would have to suffer my entire life. But, it seems as if I almost don't have to suffer.

Never, ever underestimate the power of asking God. God ALWAYS answers. If you ask God, without associating any partners, if you ask Him appealing to the Being that He is, be certain that it'll be answered. It'll be answered in one of three ways - it may be given to you immediately, a calamity would be removed from you, you will be rewarded in the Hereafter.

I guess what I am trying to say is, we can only do as much as we can. We do as much as we can through our actions and dua. And the results are up to Allah. But we should have full faith on the fact that Allah will utterly and completely reward us for every good action that we do and every dua that we make.

So, in summary:
1. Have a general idea of how your life will develop rather than details.
2. Have a balance between interaction with people and interaction with God/alone time.
3. Know that life, at the end of the day, is quite fair.