Thursday, October 06, 2016

Heart

My heart beats faster,
Because you are there.
No, really, my heart is beating for you.
Beating to keep you alive,
Beating to make you grow,
Beating as its beat by yours.
Your heart beats faster than mine.
But, what do you know about the world?
You are only the size of my palm.
Safe, tucked inside.
Your heart will slow
when you know the truth.
Bitter, dark, tear jerking reality.
But,
I hope you can still keep the other heart alive.
The one that matters.
In the inside of inside of inside of you.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Weight and all

Ever since I hit puberty, I have been a little to the overweight side. My BMI was near the end of the 'healthy' range and there were fat in places that I hated them to be in. I was the heaviest out of my siblings despite being the youngest. My mum had always been conscious of her health. She made sure that she ate the right foods and had a routine to her life. Since I was the opposite, I always got told off for my habits. Gaining twenty kilos in one year, the year that I reached puberty, did not help either. Instead of helping myself in doing something about it, I continued to gain weight all throughout my high school years until I gained ten more kilos by the end of HSC. I took comfort in eating. I took further comfort in eating by myself, watching or reading something - which led to many hours of mindless eating throughout those years. 

When I started university, one of my common conversations with some of my friends was our need of losing weight, eating less and exercising. It never happened. Until one of my friends did join a gym about four and a half years ago. It was a women-only gym, which interested me. I ended up joining about half a year later, with the thought of now-or-never. I was tutoring or ABA therapying (can't remember), so I was earning very little. But whatever money I was earning went in gymming, phone payment and other commitments. I started to gym regularly a few months after I joined. I went about 2-3 times a week and stayed for maximum one hour. I still ate bad food though, which made me feel very guilty afterwards. Slowly, I started to reduce the bad food that I was eating - less oil, less rice for dinner and no snacks before bed. I started to drink a lot more water. The only bad thing that I had was chocolate - but I really couldn't get rid of that. I did lessen my intake quantity and frequency though.

Out of the ten kilos that I gained in high school, five was gained during HSC. Four of that was easily lost in the first year of university, because my university required a lot of walking to go from one side to another (twenty mins of walking to be exact!). I still had the other six on and I felt terrible about it. When I started to gym, within about a year and a bit, I lost the other six, and two more. I stopped gymming after I got married due to distance to the gym that I used to go to. Alhamdulillah, the habits that were developed during that year and a half stayed with me more or less and I didn't end up gaining any weight in the last two and a half years. 

Until now. I gained two kilos. I have a little lime inside me now. 

I hope my lime grows up with good habits, learns from mistakes and forgives others.  

PS: I went to Fernwood. I would gladly recommend that gym to anyone I know. They have excellent staff, resources, child care facilities, a very nice change room/shower facilities and they respected privacy more than any others I know. 

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Anxiety

I need a break from my mind
From those thoughts that rise up like magic tricks
Bursting into a million pieces
Before I can trace their roots.
I need to break out of this cycle
Of trying to figure out why
And then the why of that why
And then the why of that why of that why
The made up becauses
It doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matt-
But it does.
It's not real it's not real it's not re-
But it is.
I need a switch that I could flick

every time the voice refuses to silence.

Friday, June 10, 2016

bl-l-a-rgh

Right now, I am trying to write report comments for my kids. I don't know why I thought this would be easy and quick, this is not easy nor quick. I have been so tired from work that my brain is not functioning well either, regardless of the coffee. Also, why am I able to write a blog post and not report comments?

Wednesday, May 04, 2016

Advice

Nothing feels worse than the feeling of uselessness and worthlessness. When you feel like quitting, just remind yourself of the times when you sat in the exact same position, in front of your laptop, looking out the window, thinking about how useless you feel right now and thinking up of ways to make yourself useful. Now that the plate is completely full, be thankful for it. Be thankful for the busyness and use the free time wisely. This is what you always wanted.

Everything in life is a test and a blessing. Respond well, and you will not turn into the bitter old woman you fear. 

Monday, April 11, 2016

Words

Words don't flow any more
They seem to be hidden, maybe lost
somewhere deep within me.
Words refuse to be my friend,
to help me out when I need them the most.
To stop the tears.
To make the ache disappear.
To mediate between us.
Words ran away to their mouths;
They dribble from their pens;
but refuse to be even pulled out from mine.
I thought I knew how to write,
I thought I knew how to rhyme,
I thought I knew how to bend feelings into letters.
But,
words don't flow any more.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

Anxiety

One of the children I know is okay to speak when she is with her friends, but gets very quiet when she has to speak in front of a large group of people. She starts crying every time she encounters something difficult. She can't answer questions she knows the answer to when she starts crying. I wish I could tell her that I know how it feels. I know how it feels to feel like you can't breathe because your brain feels clogged up and everything in the world seems to be against you. I tell her everything will be okay. Just to calm down, drink some water and start again. She seems to be doing better - she went to the canteen person all by herself to ask for her lunch order, and she was so happy about it! She came running to me and told me the good news. 
She isn't the only one who feels that way. There's a few other children I know who seem to have anxiety issues. I can't remember having them when I was little, maybe I did, but I can't remember. But now that I am older and experience these issues all the time, I know how it feels like. I wish I could hug them tight everyday and let them know that everything will be okay. Allah will take care of them. 

Wednesday, March 09, 2016

Teaching and everything else

I am up at this ungodly hour doing an assignment and thinking about my kids and thinking about all the things that I have to do and trying to do my reading for my assignment. And then it hit me (again) - I love what I do! I am super busy these days but alhamdulillah I am absolutely loving it. I love teaching, I love learning about teaching and I love everything that comes with it. I love my family, I love my husband and I love everything that comes with them too. Right now, I feel like I have way too much on my plate, but I don't feel terrible about it because I love the things on it!

I feel like sometimes I feel very negative about everything. This is an advice to me for those times. When I feel negative, I need to think about everything I love.

- My loving family
- My super supportive, perfect (for me) husband
- Innocence that my (school) kids bring into my life
- The amazing potential that every single one of those children are carrying within themselves
- Thinking up of ways to tap into these potentials

Even though sometimes I feel like I am not doing anything to serve Allah through serving humanity any more, I need to remember that I am. I am doing it everyday at work, or at least, I have the potential to. I just need to take that opportunity everyday that it is given to me.



PS: The following words were sitting in a draft post written exactly 2 months ago - 9th January 2016. My mind really seems to rollercoaster...

--

Sometimes, words like 'inspire' and 'dreams' and 'twinkle' and 'reach' seem too used. They seem like words that used to mean something once upon a time, but have entered and left my life so many times that even the thought of them makes me roll my eyes. "That's unrealistic, you know that right?" I told him today. "We can never do it."

"You have such a negative energy with you right now." He said.

When did our roles reverse? Why does he get to be the one with the twinkle in his eyes and dream of change? When did I become so tired of smiling in hope and began smiling only in social situations? After all, he is the accountant and am the teacher.

What am I going to teach my children if I don't teach them to dream? What use will they have in folding laundry and cooking chicken, except for mere survival? How will they become astronauts and doctors and inventors if the only thing they learn off me is that being an adult means you don't think about being those things?

I had this realisation today. I have been edging towards it for a few days I guess, but I could only word my concern today. But this isn't the first time I have thought such a way, and I am assuming I am not the only one.

Saturday, February 06, 2016

Adulting

I started to teach six year olds for five days a week. There's about thirty of them in a room and they are with me for more than seven hours everyday. There's the ones that hug me whenever they can, they ones that write beautifully, the ones that look at me with believing eyes. And then there's the ones that seem to only have energy for running, the ones that don't wash their hands properly and the ones that come to school with all the germs in the world. Today is my first day off after a full week, and I am so, so tired. My legs feel like they will fall off. My throat is sore. I haven't been able to sleep properly. And I constantly feel like time is running out. On top of that, my weekends have never been free, in fact, they were my busiest times for the past year and a half almost. 

So, this should be interesting...