Reflections

There is something so relaxing about sitting at a cafe with soft sunlight streaming through leaves and onto me. It reminds me of the past, how things used to be years ago, my regular visits to cafes to calm down and gather myself. The girls are taken care of, no body is waiting for me. I can breathe as slow as I want. I ordered an entire dish for myself - two eggs on mushrooms on a sourdough, with some kind of a sauce on the side - it was absolutely delicious. Now I am going to plan for the next term while sipping on my coffee. 

Names of Allah I have been reflecting upon:

Al-Haleem - someone who allows us to make mistakes and then return to Him in our own time. 

Al-Lateef - someone who works in His own, subtle ways, so that every single thing is meaningful, even though at a certain moment someone may not make sense.

Al-Muizz - The One who makes it possible for someone to be honoured, respected. He is also Mudhil - The One that dishonours. It reminds me that all respect, honour, izza - comes from Allah. 

There's a fair few things that are on my plate at the moment. A close family member is getting married, I started a new job that I absolutely love, my girls are growing up. I need to remind myself to hold those names to my heart and remember them, always. I need to purify my intentions so that everything I do is for Allah. 

Sometimes I wait for that last breath to wake me up. And then life gets good (like now) and I don't want to leave it. I need to remember to keep the dunya in my hand, no matter what anyone else does.

purpose

Irrelevant, insignificant, arbitrary, relative

Those are the words that come to mind when I think of this life. Yet, we (need to) put so much effort behind everything. I am loving how busy I am lately. I hate not being busy, I hate the feeling of uselessness. I hate being busy with inconsequential things as well. I love that I have a sense of purpose now. 

Insomniac thoughts

Dear daughters,

Just when you may think that life has settled down into a nice rhythm, something might come and shake your whole world. Do not be surprised when this happens. This is a reminder that you do not control everything in your life - but what you do control is your attitude, words and actions. You know better than to be bitter. Pray, focus on saving up for your hereafter, and take comfort in the fact that no matter whatever you do, your rizk is written. Words stay. Do not hurt anyone with your words.

Love,

Ammi.

Days

By the time maghrib rolled around I was quite tired and felt like I needed another cup of coffee, then I wondered why. A few reasons:
- I have been having 2/3 cups by maghrib for the past few days and I've only had one today.
- I began my day unproductively (I also slept at 2 AM last night after watching Parasite, so I woke up tired anyway).
- My day consisted of: Errands + breakfast date with Mr H in the morning, painting and Arabic with M, frequently feeding teething baby A, making a creamy mushroom pasta and sautéing the rest of the mushrooms so that it doesn't go off, finding that baby A got into the dessert that I hid last night from M and having to give her a bath, finding the bathroom sink covered with tissues and toothpaste (M), washing two loads of clothes.    

some thoughts

I just went back and read my posts from last June. Wow, how has life changed! I have a three year old and a (nearly) nine month old now, Mr H and I are okay again, I feel more assertive (but not quite enough) in this house. Some things haven't changed - I am always surrounded by mess and getting annoyed by it, I still need my coffee (more than ever now), anxiety.

Little M has been saying everything lately, alhamdulillah. I was so worried about her speech, her food intake, her walking etc when she was under two, alhamdulillah - all of those issues have resolved in the past year. It was really, really hard when Baby A was just born. The first four months or so was extremely difficult, in retrospect. Some things are still difficult but I am getting used to it now.

Things that have made me feel accomplished in the past few weeks:
- Making cookies with M for Eid
- Doing an Arabic word a day and craft with M (we did this for about 7/8 days but it was spread out within Ramadan. M remembers most of the words alhamdulillah). I thought we should do this because when M came back from our Central/South America trip, she came back with some Spanish words that she still remembers. 'Leche', 'agua' etc.
- Cleaning up and organising M's toys and clothes
- Wrapping and giving Eid gifts
- Making Eid food - lasagna, satay chicken, salted caramel brownie cup dessert
- Making a song about Fridays and singing it with M most Fridays:
Friday is the best
Best of all days
There's a special hour
Every Friday
When Dua is accepted by Allah
Al Mujeeb, Al Wadood, alhamdulillah.
Our Prophet showed us
How to make it special
Reciting Suratul Kahf
Don't forget your ghusl!
Sending salawat
Upon Muhammad
Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

More deaths

Shejo khala
Green mami
Afia's father
Mejho chacha
Shejo khalu

These are the people that have passed away this year. There are many more deaths that I have heard of this year, but these are the people that I have memories of or has had some impact on my life in one way or another. Every time I get a message on a group chain starting with "inna lillahi…", it makes me feel like I saw this coming, another death, as if this is going to be the new normal. My heart feels heavy. Life is going on normally around me - its a beautiful, sunny day. Food is being cooked downstairs, the grass is being cut outside, Asiyah is napping. All those people had normal days too. They had sunny days, they had days when they wondered what they will have for dinner, they had days of work and sleep. But all of them are gone now.

It's interesting that I feel this way because death is something that I come across so often these days. Every time I come across the name of a new serial killer I search up everything about him/her. True crimes are something I've been fascinated by for a few years. But lately, learning more about what happens after death (Yasir Qadhi - Barzakh series on YouTube) makes me wonder what their souls experienced. My mind feels overloaded. Life feels so, so short.

Other deaths that I have heard of from friends:
1.5 year old baby in Adelaide
Both grandparents in laws - Ishita apu
Nazia's father in law
Abbu's fupi

It scares me because Ramadan is so close. Allahumma ballighna Ramadan is something that should be on our lips all the time now.

Moments

Asiyah is crawling around in the on the playroom floor. She stops in front of the balcony door, turns to me, sees me smile and claps in delight. Maryam is playing with a small ball. A few minutes ago, she ran off to her room with the ball and some blocks, with a cheeky smile and a glitter of experiment in her eyes. She came back with the ball a little shaved by the block. I knew she was going to do this because she was doing it right in front of me, and then ran off when I asked her not to do it. She was thinking she's hiding from me. She came back with the ball and asked me to play with it, I told her I don't want to because I don't like the feel of it any more - its rough with bits coming off. She tried to clean it and then offered it to me again.

While writing that, Maryam has already moved on to hide and seek with Asiyah.

These moments will be gone so, so fast. A lot of these moments are testing, but a lot of them are very rewarding as well. When I have testing moments, I just need to remember that this life is very short. Moments pass, they may be forgotten, but the way we react matters. I can already see that Maryam deals with Asiyah in some of the ways that I deal with her, which is pleasing and rewarding to see most of the time. She has trouble containing her frustration at times, but she's not even three yet. As adults, we can't control our reactions many times. Why do we expect a two year old to behave differently then?

Some rewarding moments from the past few days:

- Maryam sneezing and saying Alhamdulillah.
- Maryam bringing one book for herself and one book for Asiyah.
- Maryam patting and hugging Asiyah to comfort her.
- This from a few days ago: "I am sitting in my balcony with an empty cup of coffee, which still smells like coffee. The sun is about to set, making the whole sky pink bronze. The trees are swaying every so slightly in the soft rain. Different types of birds are chirping in their own ways. The rain is slowly getting heavier, but not too heavy. This moment is so, so perfect."

Death

My mum's sister passed away yesterday. She suffered a lot in this world, in many ways that I haven't, or even have seen anyone suffer. While I was having dessert last night and picking off the blueberries and feeding my daughter at her request, it occurred to me that khalamoni probably never tasted a blueberry in this world. How amazing is the promise of Jannah! She can taste so much more than we ever can in this world, soon. Its scary to think that I live a life in which everything I want is at my fingertips. Ya Allah, do not take away any of my blessings and grant me Jannah as well, ameen.

How do I make sense of it?

Death is inevitable. I don't know when I will die. The only thing I can do is to live my life with purpose and meaning and look forward to the promise of Allah, knowing that everything is out of His mercy and that He is the Most Merciful.

Allah is Ar-Razzak - everything comes from Him. All of my rizk - love, family, wealth, comfort, peace - everything. The only Being that can keep it all going is Him.

Allah is Al-Malik - He owns EVERYTHING. Every place we go to in the world, everything I have. If I ask, I need to ask of Him.

Allah is Ar-Rahman, Al-Lateef, Ash-Shakur, Al-Kareem, Al-Mujeeb, Al-Wadood.

Allah is Al-Hakim - Every decision He makes is a wise decision.

Allah is As-Samad - He is the only One we can turn to for anything.

Happiness

I heard the story of ninety nine coins yesterday. A man found a bag labelled 'one hundred gold coins' in front of his door. When he took it inside and counted all the coins, he found ninety-nine. He counted again and again but there was only ninety nine. When he woke up that morning, before he opened his door, he was a happy man. But as soon as he started to expect to find one hundred gold coins inside a bag he wasn't even supposed to get, he became dissatisfied with ninety-nine, forgetting that he wasn't expecting these gold coins to turn up at his door at all.

Expecting anything from people leads to disappointment.