Friday, February 17, 2012

Sleepy thoughts.. quite overdue

When I was little, I had mild (self-diagnosed) aquaphobia - I used to cry on boat rides, even in knee dip water. I remember constantly feeling like the boat would tip and I would drown. I'm not exactly sure when this left me, but, I remember enjoying boat rides at about 14 years of age. I would dip my toes in water and lie the deck, watching the sky as it passed me by. In terms of swimming - when I was 10, ma tried to teach me to swim in the traditional method - throwing me in the water and pretending to drown so that I would come and save her. All I remember from that particular experience is feeling a deep terror and crying on the shore of the pond at nanu's place. Then when we came to Sydney, I was forced to attempt to learn swimming through school sports until about year 7. I was glad to get out of those classes with any excuses I could get my hands on, and was very relieved when the year was finally over!

Recently, due to my new-found (more like lost and re-found, repeatedly) interest in my health, I researched into what my optimal exercise would be. A combination of cardio and strength training are best. Swimming seemed to have gotten the best comments in terms of cardio, so, over the next few months, I bought a swimming costume, found a cheap convenient pool and a friend who was willing to drive me there and teach me. After spending two hours, I finally learnt how to keep myself floating and flap all four limbs in a fairly correct way (although breathing was still a problem). On my second day, I swam about 3/4th of the way through the pool (alhamdulillah!!). So, I think I can finally say - I know how to swim!! Although I'm not entirely sure if the fear is completely gone. I still have to make sure I swim in the end aisle so that I can hold on to the sides any time I want to.

What made this last attempt to learn different from the previous ones is that it was completely out of my own will. This is important, because while it is impossible for our society to function if we all waited until we wanted to do something, our society will cease to function if we just did everything because someone is forcing us. The balance is usually acquired when one grows up (yes, we are babied enough to not strike a balance... even at 30). But from my studies, I found that its best if this is practised on children as well. Children need to be strictly disciplined, but they need to feel loved enough to want to do what their parents are hoping they do.

What I found while tutoring children is that the parents who are conscientious and organised enough to keep a track of their kids' school work, friends and other important details, raise disciplined kids who are armed with skills they need as an adult. But parents who treat their kids like adults (ie: letting them do whatever they want) usually see a negative effect. This is common sense, yes, but it was such a wake up call for me. It made me realise, yet again, how much of a hard work it is to be a mother. Just the other day, my mum was describing her ordeal of settling into Australia in her 40s, starting life all over again. I found myself thinking that if I was in her position, I would probably kick up my heels and flee! (I am hoping I never will be in the tough positions she was in, and that I never run away from my kids :P.)

One of my favourite people in the world (EE, who also happens to be the mother of five beautiful children, the youngest of whom is less than a week old; the eldest three are my students) said that she keeps going because she feels that if she does not give the rights that her kids deserve, she will be accountable for it. I found this to be quite a helpful insight, because, we always hear scholarly lectures about how we should treat our parents, but not many people reinforce the gravity of the parent's job. In fact, this point of view can be applied in every single relationship. If every person took care of the rights of others, no one would have to fight for their own rights. Unfortunately we don't live in Utopia. So, I guess we just have to make do with doing this ourselves - making sure we give others their rights - and try to raise awareness of it in the people around us.

Another thing that EE does is teach by being an exemplary role model herself, rather than just talk about it. I grew up in a family, school and community where I was constantly told that I should be a role model to others, but I guess, it was never explains how I should be so, because I never really picked the right ones. Of course no one person is perfect, so you have to pick bits and pieces out of everyone that you admire. But practising what you preach as well as the bits that you don't preach goes a long way in terms of making a point.

So yes... I shall bid farewell now because my eyes are dripping with sleep, its 12.12 AM, I need to get up early and I'm going to a picnic and a wedding tomorrow. Also, while I was typing (I think I was in the 2nd paragraph), blogger suddenly refreshed and started to look very different. I have witnessed a momentous change in history. :P 

Wednesday, February 08, 2012

Inconsistency

One would think that a psychologist would be able to solve all of her own problems, since that's what she gets paid for. Perhaps that would be the case when I actually become one (inshaallah!) although I'm not doing so now. However, I am able to identify problems and find a cause for the problem, most of the time. I am hoping that someday I will be able to take the next step and actually solve problems.

My latest realisation somehow relates to this post where I outlined the steps in the cycle of events in my life. I realised that when I do feel like life is getting better, it is due to external results. For example, tonight, I am feeling extremely satisfied with my life because a) I got paid, b) all the students I tutored today were very productive, c) The parents (i.e.: my employers!) were happy with me, d) I found some more prospects of work i.e.: opportunities to undergo a-c more frequently, e) I worked out a way to manage my money so that I can reach my short term spending goals as well long term saving goals, f) I had an amazing cup of coffee.

All of these are external results. If I didn't get paid, or if my students were feeling lazy, or if the coffee turned out to be disgusting, it is quite likely that my mood would not be the way it is now. This is pretty dangerous because this is the exact reason why people like me feel like they live the life of a sine curve. The ideal solution would be to detach our source of happiness from external results and attach it to something greater. Something that wouldn't run out - only then can we have the impetus to get up every single day and be productive and hopeful. This reminded of a video I watched a very long time ago.



The only problem is, keeping that impetus alive seems like an extremely hard task to me. I am the last person to be regular and consistent. I make very elaborate plans, yet, the plans go out the window after a few days. I realised that happens when I start to think one of two things: a) I'd never be able to achieve my end goal, or, b) What I've achieved is good enough, I can rest now. This is when I undergo stages 3, 4 and 5. I have never been able to be consistent in my life, so I have accepted it as a part of me now. So putting all of these together, it seems that my good feelings are attached to the goodness of this world, and my bad feelings are attached to the opposite.

Then I came across this verse the other day: "And of the people is he who worships Allah on an edge. If he is touched by good, he is reassured by it; but if he is struck my a trial, he turns on his face (to the other direction). He has lost (this) world and the Hereafter. That is what is the manifest loss." (22:11)

And this struck me. This sounds like someone who attaches their happiness or lack of to the external results of this world. Then I realised that this is exactly why I keep going round in circles. This is why my life is a cycle of events rather than a straight (or wavy) ascending line.

This is not to say that I have never implemented strategies for improvement and succeeded. There are several things that I have tried, for example, living for one day at a time, and have succeeded for a while (alhamdulillah). I have managed to instil certain values in myself that I admire in others. But there are some things that I keep failing in, and I keep climbing and falling, climbing and falling.

So I started to think about exactly what I can do to suit my lifestyle of irregularity as well as be a Muslim. After all, Islam is for every single person in the world. Every person has a different kind of test and has the potential to reach the highest level of Jannah. In this case, why would someone who is naturally routinised be better than me, someone who finds it hard to routinise herself, if we are all equals?

Usually, when I write something in this blog, I write it after I have come up with a solution that makes sense to me. In this case, I actually do not have any solutions that I have not tried before. I guess what I (and people like me) have to do is:
- Make lots of dua to have a balance to my life and days.
- Keep a few things regular - for example, spending a certain amount of time behind the Quran every day, without being too specific on the how of it.
- Constantly remind oneself that everything comes from Allah. So all the good that you have done would not be even thought of if Allah did not put the thought there. This humbles oneself and reduces the thoughts of a) 'I'm never going to be good enough' or b) 'I'm good enough already, so I can rest now'.
- Have a strong support system in which people who are supportive yet not overbearing.
Any other ideas?