When I veer away from the path towards my destination, knowingly, that's when my mind is at its lowest point. That's when my heart breaks in two. That's when I tune out of my rationality and turn up my sensations, so that I feel the thud of my shoes on the footpath harder than usual, so that the screech of a bird high above me rings in my ear, so that the tires of the cars driving past seem a little too loud. Because, I know, as soon as I tune back into my thoughts, my mind would curse me. My brain would tell my heart off for being so weak. I have no excuses for being so reckless with myself, except that I am human.
The other reason why I avoid rational thoughts during those times is because the rational side of me will make me feel very guilty for being so selfish. The world is in a turmoil, people are being killed as a result of injustice every single day. And there are several actions that I can take. There are several projects that I have gotten involved in, and several more that I intend to get involved in. These things are things that we should do as lucky citizens of the world, they are nothing extra that we should be congratulated for. In other words, its our duty to do as much as we can as fellow human beings because we are so much luckier than them in terms of worldly resources. So, when my mind is a mess, I avoid the world, and in turn, my mind hates the mess that it is in.
Nothing is the end of the world, until you die. But, one must remember that the last breath can come at any moment. So, the time to pick yourself up is now. The time to replace a bad with a good is now. Move forward, even if you don't want to, the past will fix itself up if the damage is light. The more damage that is done, the more fixing it'll take. So, you need to start fixing at a time when the damage is minimal, or as minimal as can be. The thing to learn from sins is that its a good reminder that you are not above anyone or anything. What you consider to be horrible that is done by someone, you can fall into it too. It is only by the grace of God that you are saved. So, be thankful for that grace and use it!
In other news, I bought "A Room with a View" today. It's turning out to be a funny novel. I also had a mocha in a huge cup from a new coffee shop and wrote pages after pages in a brand new notebook. Why is that so therapeutic for me? I do not need retail therapy, I need notebook in a cafe therapy. Now that I have had my therapy and self-talk, I feel much better. I shall depart now. :)
