More deaths

Shejo khala
Green mami
Afia's father
Mejho chacha
Shejo khalu

These are the people that have passed away this year. There are many more deaths that I have heard of this year, but these are the people that I have memories of or has had some impact on my life in one way or another. Every time I get a message on a group chain starting with "inna lillahi…", it makes me feel like I saw this coming, another death, as if this is going to be the new normal. My heart feels heavy. Life is going on normally around me - its a beautiful, sunny day. Food is being cooked downstairs, the grass is being cut outside, Asiyah is napping. All those people had normal days too. They had sunny days, they had days when they wondered what they will have for dinner, they had days of work and sleep. But all of them are gone now.

It's interesting that I feel this way because death is something that I come across so often these days. Every time I come across the name of a new serial killer I search up everything about him/her. True crimes are something I've been fascinated by for a few years. But lately, learning more about what happens after death (Yasir Qadhi - Barzakh series on YouTube) makes me wonder what their souls experienced. My mind feels overloaded. Life feels so, so short.

Other deaths that I have heard of from friends:
1.5 year old baby in Adelaide
Both grandparents in laws - Ishita apu
Nazia's father in law
Abbu's fupi

It scares me because Ramadan is so close. Allahumma ballighna Ramadan is something that should be on our lips all the time now.

Moments

Asiyah is crawling around in the on the playroom floor. She stops in front of the balcony door, turns to me, sees me smile and claps in delight. Maryam is playing with a small ball. A few minutes ago, she ran off to her room with the ball and some blocks, with a cheeky smile and a glitter of experiment in her eyes. She came back with the ball a little shaved by the block. I knew she was going to do this because she was doing it right in front of me, and then ran off when I asked her not to do it. She was thinking she's hiding from me. She came back with the ball and asked me to play with it, I told her I don't want to because I don't like the feel of it any more - its rough with bits coming off. She tried to clean it and then offered it to me again.

While writing that, Maryam has already moved on to hide and seek with Asiyah.

These moments will be gone so, so fast. A lot of these moments are testing, but a lot of them are very rewarding as well. When I have testing moments, I just need to remember that this life is very short. Moments pass, they may be forgotten, but the way we react matters. I can already see that Maryam deals with Asiyah in some of the ways that I deal with her, which is pleasing and rewarding to see most of the time. She has trouble containing her frustration at times, but she's not even three yet. As adults, we can't control our reactions many times. Why do we expect a two year old to behave differently then?

Some rewarding moments from the past few days:

- Maryam sneezing and saying Alhamdulillah.
- Maryam bringing one book for herself and one book for Asiyah.
- Maryam patting and hugging Asiyah to comfort her.
- This from a few days ago: "I am sitting in my balcony with an empty cup of coffee, which still smells like coffee. The sun is about to set, making the whole sky pink bronze. The trees are swaying every so slightly in the soft rain. Different types of birds are chirping in their own ways. The rain is slowly getting heavier, but not too heavy. This moment is so, so perfect."