All those pieces that I have found

Ramadhan is about three weeks away. Every year, I look forward to this time, yet, when it gets close, I feel like it came way too fast. Quite a few things happened in the last few weeks that disoriented me. But what really tired me out, was the lack of a constant and consistent source of spiritual revival. I remember this quote I wrote down a long time ago - "Nothing is easy if you seek it through yourself. Nothing is difficult if you seek it through your Lord." There are times in your life when you realise the truth of something you have discovered in the past. And you think, how could I have been so stupid as to let myself forget a lesson I learnt and allow myself to go through the entire process again? But then you realise, that is part of living the life of this world. You can climb ten steps then fall all the way again. But the trick is to keep searching for the handle to hold onto. And to try your best to keep climbing.

The past few weeks have also showed me the consequences of lack of prioritising. Actually, the full consequences have not shown itself yet, and there is a huge chance that I may need to carry it with me for a few years. However, this fear that I feel is causing me to not face the thought of thinking about the consequences. But at the same time, I know, just trying to forget about something without dealing with it only takes me further away from climbing up those steps. There are several things that we don't want to do, even though we know that doing them will be good for us. We find excuses to get out of and try to convince ourselves that they are valid reasons. But running away from responsibilities don't make them go away. I guess all we can do is keep forcing ourselves to be absolutely truthful with our own selves.

I have also re-learnt that you cannot, ever, keep everyone happy. There will always be some people that will be unhappy with you. But you have to choose those people carefully. I guess this comes down to prioritising as well. I feel like I need a proper dose of EE's presence in my life. She is a walking, talking, breathing example of a balanced person. Mother of five, a student of knowledge, volunteer worker, great cook and very, very bubbly. She is one of those people that you wish you had the attitude of. Attitude is something that can be learnt, so, I really wish I had some time to spend with her to diffuse it into myself.

Lessons

So a few nights ago, at around 12.30 AM, I began cleaning my room. I cleaned out my entire cupboard - got rid of clothes that I forgot existed (or wished to forget!), arranged the remaining clothes, soft toys and handbags in a conventional feminine manner. I cleaned out my entire bookshelf, chucking out a whole lot of papers. I cleaned out my jewellery, wiping everything down. I was very proud of my achievement (and still am), yet, I realised, it still looked 'messy' to outsiders. To me, it looked perfectly fine, because the major furnitures in my room were neat and tidy. But I still have some books on my bed, some on the floor, pens here and there, a coffee cup and some clothes and a handbag on the chair. This does not bother me, because I know exactly where everything is, and I still have enough space to live comfortably. This is when I realised, I can never live in complete and utter neatness. To me, the way things are right now, seems to be where they should be - I am aware of everything that is happening in this space. If I took a bit more time in cleaning it further, and cleaning every single day, it would seem neat to everyone else too. But, to me, that doesn't matter. Because this is my space.

My point is, I realised, I like the general ideas of things rather than details. I have a general idea of how my life should be and how its going. I have a general idea about the person that I am. The moment I start thinking about specifics is the moment I feel stressed out. But this makes sense to me, because, specifics change constantly. General ideas usually remain the same. So, in making decisions, I would make sure that there's in nothing wrong in an overall sense, rather than, looking at the decision in detail and trying to figure out if there is a possibility of something going wrong. And I like doing this, because, it allows me to live a simple and happy life.

One beautiful idea BDR was talking about the other day was - every single communication that you have causes chemical changes in your brain, thus, affecting your emotions, whether it be in a tiny way or a huge way. Physical communication is of course the type that causes the greatest amount of change, however, even exchange of words through typing can cause it. So, its very very unlikely, that the way that you are at the beginning of a conversation, is the way that you remain at the end of it. I think this is why I love communicating. I love talking to people, because, they change me a little by little.

One concept I talked about a few posts back was about not letting people into your hearts. After a friend pointed out the flaw with that concept, I realised, it is indeed flawed. It is a defence mechanism that you set up in order to not hurt yourself. Which, if you think about it, is fair enough. We are wired to protect ourselves in any way we can and this is one of the ways we would do so. However, I realised that there is a better way to create a balance between your interactions with people and your position with yourself. "Be with the Real without creation. Be with creation without your ego." (Jilani). When you talk to interact with people, open your mind completely so that your ego does not get in the way. If something is pointed out to you that's flawed, accept it. See things as it is. Most importantly, never stop interacting with people. We were created to be social, and thus, losing parts of it would mean losing the balance that was meant for us. But at the same time, when you are with the Real, alone with your Creator, with God, just your mind and Him, be truthful. Be completely and utterly truthful and sort things out with Him, without letting any creation enter in that interaction. Make sure things make sense to yourself. Don't let someone else's idea cloud yours if it doesn't make sense to you. However, don't reject it if it does.

This all makes sense in my head, and I felt the need of writing it down just in case it makes sense in someone else's. Also, I was reading my past posts, and I realised, there are many lessons that I have learnt in the past that I forgot. When this is written in this space, it allows me to re-learn them every now and then.

One lesson that I re-learned in the past few days, is this: "But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah knows, while you know not." (2:216) There were times in my life when I thought, why me? Why, even after trying so hard, am I failing? I made dua, I tried my best, I invested all of my emotions into one particular task, and I still failed. Over and over again. it got to a point where I was averse to the idea of it altogether. And then I finally passed that worldly test. Then I had an accident which could have been much worse than it was. And it seems like all those times that I hated the fact that I failed, maybe, the sadness I felt in my heart, and the duas, maybe all of them added together and reduced the impact of this. The accident could have affected me in such a way that I would have to suffer my entire life. But, it seems as if I almost don't have to suffer.

Never, ever underestimate the power of asking God. God ALWAYS answers. If you ask God, without associating any partners, if you ask Him appealing to the Being that He is, be certain that it'll be answered. It'll be answered in one of three ways - it may be given to you immediately, a calamity would be removed from you, you will be rewarded in the Hereafter.

I guess what I am trying to say is, we can only do as much as we can. We do as much as we can through our actions and dua. And the results are up to Allah. But we should have full faith on the fact that Allah will utterly and completely reward us for every good action that we do and every dua that we make.

So, in summary:
1. Have a general idea of how your life will develop rather than details.
2. Have a balance between interaction with people and interaction with God/alone time.
3. Know that life, at the end of the day, is quite fair. 

Mantra

"Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can." - Arthur Ashe.

Thoughts on parenthood

The more people you meet and the more you get to know them, the more you learn about the world. Its one thing to read theoretical books about behaviour and society (as we do in Psychology), its a completely different thing to see it in real life. I realised that I've lived quite a sheltered life - for which, I am, of course, grateful to my parents. I don't think I could have dealt with the complexities of the world if I didn't grow up with an identity. I mean, I still can't  - there's still a lot of things that I am only just trying to internalise, and I'm not exactly sure what to do with the whole heap of information. I'll have to think about it a little more.

But here's some tips for the future me as a parent. The reason why I'm writing them now is because: a) I know I'll forget the lessons I am learning now in 10-20 years time. b) This skills must be acquired over time.

1. Be organised.
2. Manage your time well so that you have some me-time, us-time, kids-time and world-time.
3. Have a non-judgemental attitude. The worst thing you can do to your kids is to make them feel like you are judging them hence push them away. They should not feel ashamed of themselves. They should always have a problem solving attitude. If they have a weakness, they should be able to come and tell you, ask for help, and try to solve the issue at hand/try to get stronger. You are their biggest mentor. If they can't even tell you what's bothering them, you have just failed at the first step of being a mentor.
4. Try to be the best example you can. But at the same time, don't be a hypocrite. If you have a problem, don't try to solve it yourself. Get your partner involved. If your children are old enough, get them involved. Children can look right past hypocrisy, and when they do, they will learn to be one themselves too.
5. Try your best at everything, and teach them to try their best. When you have this attitude, they will forgive you for any shortcomings you have, because, you have indeed tried your best. They will be more open to your suggestions. At the same time, don't expect to get your results straight away from this world. Your reward is with Allah. If things go wrong after you have tried your best, just let it go and try to work from there. Do not plunge into denial and depression.

The reward for being a parent and the status to which you should hold your parents have been mentioned several times in the Quran and Sunnah. So, being a good parent is a guaranteed way to enter Jannah. However, it is not an easy task. Alhamdulillah, I think my parents have done their absolute best with me and my siblings. They have tried to give us everything they had and could not have, in terms of tangible and intangible. And I am sure their parents have done the same, and so on and so forth. So, we will probably try to do the same for our future generation, but they will probably feel that it is not enough. However, the important thing is to keep the communication going. If you are a parent that can learn from your children, you are already halfway there.

Quick thoughts

In an attempt to stay away from the person I almost became, I have stuffed my life with responsibilities so that I don't have time to breathe, let alone let my thoughts go haywire. Then I realised that this is not the way to go - I need to let myself breathe in order to not let myself die. So I got rid of some of my responsibilities and took on some relaxing self-improvement activities. This would have been perfectly fine if I was organised. If I managed my time well, I could have potentially juggled it all and still lived healthily in every sphere of life. However, my lack of time management meant that I fly through a few weeks in absolute relaxation, and cry through a few in absolute exhaustion. If I just do the right thing in the right time, this would not happen. I know this and I have learnt it in the hard way, but I still keep making the same mistake over and over again. This is something that I really have to work on for the second half of the year so that I can look back at the end of the year, and see that I've learnt something.

This month is going to be crazy! It has already began its craziness, however, it shall continue to escalate until the very last week. Several changes are happening in our family - almost every single member has something eventful this month. However, everything in life is a test, whether we perceive it to be good or bad. What we need to do is hold on and try our best to get closer to God through these. Because, in the end, the only absolute truth about life is death. And thus, the only thing that matters is the eternal life after death. So, the only purpose of what we do is to add on to the happiness of that eternity. And the only way to do so is to get closer to God through every single situation.