Fleeting

We fear risks because risks are just those - risks. You jump without knowing whether the surface will be soft enough to break your fall. You leap without knowing what is in front of you. It can be something amazing, yes. It can bring new insights to life, yes. But it can also disorient you with all that height. That is why we prefer the status quo. 

The tidal wave

Somewhere in the middle, this blog was the place to vent. I could say anything I wanted, as long as I kept it vague enough for most of my readers to never figure things out. Venting is okay as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, and I never did hurt anyone through my words from here. But I fear things have changed. Or maybe this is just my headache and all other bodily pains talking.

"My hope is a tidal wave, and your home was a great escape."

"What is it to grow old?
...
It is to spend long days
And not once feel that we were ever young."

One of my favourite poems is Mirror by Sylvia Plath.

"...Searching my reaches for what she really is.

Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day..."

Every person is for themselves.

Demons

(By: Imagine Dragons)

When your dreams all fail,
And the ones we hail are the worst of all,
And the blood's run stale -

I want to hide the truth.
I want to shelter you.
But with the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide.

No matter what we breed,
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom, come.

This is my kingdom, come.

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide.
It's where my demons hide.

Don't get too close,
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide.
It's where my demons hide.

Sarah Kay - And found

I am a god of drawers left open.

Its easy to catch me in the act of searching -
My keys,
Myself.

Aah - don't sit there - you might knock over the pile of confidence I took all day to stack.
I promise to tidy up before company arrives
Wouldn't want my socks and daydreams all over the carpet.
I know where most things are
But give me enough time and I can lose anything.
I have had enough practice at sliding things under the bed
when no one is watching.
And I know -
You are always in the last place I look. 

Having that bubble burst

I really like this song. Brick by boring brick by Paramore.

--

She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of a world that she's left behind

It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies

keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole

To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole

To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da

So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out

But it was a trick
And the clock struck twelve
Well make sure to build your home brick by boring brick
or the wolf's gonna blow it down

keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true

You can see it with your eyes
Oh even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah

Go get your shovel
We'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
and we'll dig a deep hole

To bury the castle, bury the castle

With a purpose - 1

So, as you know, a whole bunch of things happened in my life this year. Nothing as dramatic as deaths or marriages, but I have had a serious car accident and have seen the formation of a few couples. I have also been exposed to new ideas and controversies, which I shan't talk about clearly until I am clear myself. But as always, I shall talk about my thought process. The most important thing I learnt from this year is that it is extremely important to know the purpose of your existence. Once you know your purpose, everything else comes under its huge umbrella and it becomes much easier to sort what comes in and leaves your life. The purpose of your existence comes from the way you view the world.

The way I view the world comes from my understanding of the Quran. So, this world, to me, is a test. Each of us are here for a number of years, in which we are required to make several decisions. After death, we will be judged on the decisions we made. We will be judged by God, who is the most merciful, the most loving, but is also fair and is the sole owner of all power. Each of us are individuals and equals in His eyes. He will reward us or punish us according to the choices we make in this world. You can only make a choice about something you know about. So, we need to try our best to learn, then make decisions based on what we know. Following anything blindly does not do justice to our intellect. However, getting caught up with too many options may mean that there is no fruition of your knowledge. So, there needs to be a balance between gaining knowledge and implementing them.

(Sort of an) update

I haven't written here for a very long time. Since I last wrote, my exams have finished. Since I last "properly" updated, I quit ABA therapy, one of my friends had a kid, little Z rolled over for the first time, I realised that gym is actually helpful, I began to think about the world and realised how untrustworthy the system is. There must've been a whole lot of other things that has happened, but they happened so fast that I haven't had the chance to sit down and contemplate. I'm beginning to think I quite like this state - the state of "doing" rather than "thinking". I mean, sometimes, "thinking" is "doing", in which case, I would like to "think" as well, but most of this blog is about "thinking" about the second sort of "thinking", which isn't really helpful.

I seemed to have started several posts over the past month. These were in my draft:

12/11 - Nuisances

- Constantly feeling like I must be politically correct.
- Being old and directionless.
- Procrastination.

17/11 - (untitled)

I am beginning to realise the world is more complicated than it seems.

23/11 - My understanding of reality

(no content)

26/11 - (untitled)


You were walking on a path with flowers on a sunny day
everything was okay


26/11 - (untitled)

Its a funny thing, to be human.

1/12 - (untitled)


I had a very interesting year this year, possibly the most interesting year of my life. I faced tests that I have not faced before, learnt new things and (apparently) changed as a person. I have a feeling this is how its going to be for a very long time. Once you learn to accept

- being aware of the world
- different personalities
- all creation of God - test/blessing
- every moment is a test
- life is so short + unpredictable
- outcome of a situation is not up to us, the preparation + the reaction is.
- ^leads to a whole range of emotions -- don't push it down. deal with it.
- believer - a mirror for another believer
- when someone has an opinion about you - evaluate it. take it on board if its valid (be truthful with yourself. cut down on the ego). if you don't think it is, tell them why etc etc. best - consensus.
- priorities

---

So yes, it seems like I had a lot to say, but I must've felt overwhelmed every time I began writing, so I stopped. In fact, this is beginning to overwhelm me again (and I remembered how many chores I have left). So I shall stop.