Saturday, June 29, 2013

Things

Today was a really busy day and I'm assuming tomorrow will be one too. We have our annual Ramadan workshop on Sunday. We usually leave the focus group quite wide, but this time, we decided to keep to high school students, and move to an entirely new location. We are doing quite a few things that we haven't done before, so it would be interesting to see the results. But, next time, I really do need to finish everything a week before, instead of a day before. MM keeps reminding me of this gently (as gently as is possible) every time I need to schedule people in for IAW. I really do need to stop with this delaying things till last minute sometime.

My current favourite thing in the world is 'Everything is Illuminated' by Jonathan Safran Foer. He is one of those writers that seem to know you inside out and then take that knowledge and illustrate it through a very specific situation (a situation that you otherwise would not be able to relate to at all). I love the way he manipulates his words to give a perfect picture but in a way that you wouldn't think of. I love the fact that he makes you feel things - smile, laugh and cry - purely with words. Its poetry in the form of a novel.

I wish I had more hours in a day.



Tuesday, June 25, 2013

A quite confusing post

A friend of mine has recently been reminding of how I was like a few years back. Not sure whether funny or tragic, but I honestly cannot remember how to be like that version of me. In fact, I probably am so confused about myself right now, that at this point, I don't know how to be any version of anyone. But, MM said something to me the other day - if you can free yourself of labels, you will realise that those labels don't define you. You don't have to be a particular way in order to be yourself. But in saying that, if you have no sense of standards, you begin to lose yourself. Its a hard balance to strike.

Speaking of striking a balance between things - figuring out just how much to care about what people say. You need to care about it a particular amount if you want to live in a civilised society, but you cannot care about it too much if you want to be yourself. The solution is to stick to your values like a parasite. I wish I could, though. Sometimes, I feel like I have everything figured out. I know exactly what I am doing and exactly how to do it. And then, there are times like these, when I try to get back on the horse, but I keep falling off. 

I just watched a movie called Silver Lining Playbook. Its about two people with psychological disorders trying to keep going with their lives. In their heads, whatever they are doing and going through are perfectly logical. They feel like everyone else is living a lie and they are the ones who are completely honest with themselves. Most people treat them differently - with fear and confusion. It made me think - we all have a certain amount of 'craziness' within ourselves. Its only diagnosed as a disorder when it impedes daily life or harms the society in some way. It also reminded me of this quote: We're all a little weird, and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love. So basically, two ideas: the fact that characteristics are in a continuum and we all lie somewhere in them, its only when you are too far into the continuum of a few chosen ones that you are considered to have a disorder. And love.

I don't think my crazy side has seen daylight with anyone or anything except for some diary pages. But, if I had to choose a person who knows that side of me the most, it would be my sisters. I think I scare her sometimes. I don't think its such a bad thing to hide away most of one's craziness. It gets in the way of living as a sensible, responsible global citizen. :)

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Mind games

At this particular point in time, nothing matters except the soft rays of sun on your face. Nothing matters except the water droplets on your hair. Your thoughts can untangle themselves in another hour. All of your responsibilities can come knocking at your door this afternoon, even. But, right now, just close your eyes, and forget.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Things that piss me off #2

- Inconsiderate people
- When someone else expects me to be inconsiderate towards someone else in order to be considerate towards them.
- Screaming/shouting
- Headaches that result from hearing people scream and shout about petty things
- To-do lists (although its growing nature saddens me rather than pisses me off)

Now that that's off my chest, I can go study statistics. 

Friday, June 14, 2013

The kid who stole my heart


Z turned one on the 2nd of June. She can now eat, drink, stand up by herself, almost get off the bed, walk while holding onto things, pretend to read books and almost say my name. I look after her three days a week and it makes me go through a whole lot of emotions and thought processes. Some days I feel like a pro, some days I wonder how I can ever think of having kids. But most days, its fun. I make up silly songs and we dance. I sip on my coffee while she munches on her biscuit. We share a glass of milk. We pretend to beat drums with pots and pans. I hang up the washing and she plays with pegs, or crawls around on the grass, or chases ants on the porch. I work or study, and she flicks through her books. She wakes up from her naps and cries a little, then calms down when I wrap my arms around her. When she's tired, she lays her head on me, then slowly drifts to sleep as I walk around with her. Of course its not always like that - sometimes I walk around for about half an hour or more, only to look at her and be met with a giggle. Then I feel like just turning everything off and eating chocolate.

Her kisses are rare and special, but I ask her to 'give me a kissie' quite frequently - just to take my chances! She does give out flying kisses though, to random strangers as well. She loves playing with pens and markers, drinking out of a cup and banging things. When she sees a hair brush, she picks it up and pretends to brush her hair. She copies us when we cough, then we copy her, then she copies us again, and it turns into a little game that ends up in giggles. Sometimes, she just lays her head against me, and stays there for a while.

I don't think I've ever loved anyone, or had as much fun with anyone, as Z. She warms up my heart.

Here's what Z has to say to you lot:

r r,z            k  09kep0deocd  nnj jr l jksx   k    cx

Saturday, June 08, 2013

Reminiscing

When ma goes away for a few days, the rest of the family starts living like housemates. Everyone is free to have their own plans, eat and drink whatever they want, keep things as messy or as clean as they'd like - we don't really care all that much. I suppose its awesome when its only for two days. But if we have to live like this for months, I don't think we'd survive. Ma keeps this family glued together.

I remember this time last year - I was knee deep in other people's dramas. Its funny - the dramas have all left my life right now, or maybe those people left? Or maybe I left? I'm not quite sure, but I am definitely quite far from drama nowadays. A few days later from today last year, I would have crashed my parents' car. At that time, we had two cars in our family of seven working adults. One of the cars were mostly used by ma and baba. So, I, along with the other kids of the family, drove the other car. I drove it for about 3 weeks after getting my red Ps. In those three weeks - I drove it to work at night with the radio playing high, exercised road rage, missed collisions by inches, remained lazy (driving to work meant that it cut down my travel time to about 15 mins instead of 45 mins, but I can't remember a day that I used that extra half an hour productively).

The night that I crashed the car - I was listening to the radio - Brokenhearted by Karmin was playing. It was either raining, or the road was wet from the rain from before. I was on my way back from tutoring a year 12 student. She was a new student, so I didn't know my way back from her house completely. I crossed the road, got inside the car, turned it on, turned the volume up, began driving, reached for my phone and started setting the GPS. I turned around at the end of the very short road, looked down at my GPS- and then it happened. My face was on the wheel, the music stopped and I had that tight feeling inside me. All I wanted to do was to back out and drive away. It never occurred to my arrogant self that I could possibly crash that badly. I got out of the car feeling very lost. People from the houses nearby came out. I can't remember whether I called my dad or he called me - or was it my brother? But I remember not wanting to call my mother and tell her about it, ever. I crashed it into a tree in front of an old couple's house. They came out and asked me what happened. The man called me a 'stupid girl' (very rightly so!), the woman gave me a glass of water, I realised my nose was bleeding. The woman dropped me home. I was feeling shaken, embarrassed, stupid and very, very regretful. I don't think I've ever felt that much regret in my life.

My parents took me to the hospital in the middle of the night. Nothing happened alhamdulillah, but something could have definitely happened. I didn't even take a good look at the car, but my student later told me about its condition. I was also told that the battery could have blown up, because the engine was squashed by the tree - I could have died. The next day, I tried to arrange for the car to be picked up by a car dealer my dad knows. The day after, the police came knocking on my door. They told me that someone called up and reported about the car, charged me for wreckless driving and told me that if I don't get it picked up soon, the police will do so. I kept chasing up the guy we know, but he didn't end up doing his job on time, so I got charged double by the police. Another stab of regret.

I think this happened after my first exam. I still had three left. I couldn't study, I felt numb, guilty. I didn't know how to make it up to my family. My grandma was here at that time, and Z was born a week or two before the crash. B was supposed to take the car with him a few weeks after that, because he moved out a few weeks before - moved out for the first time. I didn't really tell any of my friends about the crash in so much detail, because I hadn't yet processed it in my mind. I did not attempt one of the exams, and scraped past the other two. I kind of stopped caring about university at that point - my friends were going through horrible changes, I had to somehow pay off everything to do with the car, work was getting bad, my sleeping was all over the place, I got physically sick, and nanu was still over at our place - so I still needed to make sure I smiled. I know people who have gone through much worse, so, alhamdulillah that that was one of the lowest points in my life.

I quit ABA therapy a few months after that. The progress of the kids plateaued and I had no idea how to fix it. I wasn't sure if I was doing everything right and I constantly felt like the parents were wasting their money by paying me. All the money that I had saved had gone behind the car. I had to start over. I can't remember much of university from my second semester, except for psychopathology classes. I started the semester by caring about things, and ended it by giving up. I began to avoid the people I used to do group studying with, because I never did much of my part. That was the time that I went through a lot of changes about my world view as well. I did a lot of thinking about my thinking and changed the way I thought. That happens all throughout your life, and I record mine in this blog, yes, but, during that time, big changes were quite condensed into a few months or so.

So, what have I learnt by reminiscing?
- To be more forgiving and merciful to others. I don't know what they are going through, I can try to understand, but I can never fully put myself in their shoes. I have made several wrong decisions during those months, but I needed to sort through them myself. Being judged by someone else would have never helped.
- To remember that I can die at any time, but Allah has given me a chance, and is still giving me that chance. I will get that second chance till my last breath. But I don't know when my last breath will come. I need to plan for the future and work on the present.
- To stop going hard and soft on myself and just stick to neutrality. If I make a mistake, I need to come up with a strategy to bounce back and move forward. Balance.
- To stop wasting my life by complaining, watching stupid TV shows or feeling sorry for myself.
- Life is too short to care about what I think what other people are thinking. But life can possibly be too long to take spontaneous decisions that will affect me/someone else negatively for a very long time. 

Thursday, June 06, 2013

Days like this

The sky seems like it will rain at any moment. I have a heap of clothes that need to be handwashed. My room needs to be cleaned. Z's toys are everywhere. Kitchen needs to be cleared out. I need to reply back to some emails and messages. I planned to exercise today... must motivate myself to do so sometime. There are some things that my mum wants me to do that needs to be done. Z needs to be fed. I need to call up Vodaphone again. I heard about a man who looked through 800 dead bodies just to find his daughter, after which, he was able to claim 20, 000 taka from the government. Aid money isn't reaching those people because of the corruption. Rape rates are sky rocketing in Syria. Max Brenner is opening up at my uni and allowing consumerism to further consume up humanity.

On days like this, I feel like shutting off from the world - not picking up the phone, not checking my emails, not reading the news, not remember that I have a live baby in my care. I feel like curling up with a cup of coffee and forget that I need to keep fighting my battles, no matter how small they are.

Tuesday, June 04, 2013

Jung Typology

My life changed so much in the past year. In fact, after I wrote that sentence, I remembered my obsession with personality tests and thought I should do one again. I got INTJ - I (33%), N (12%), T (25%), J (1%). This is quite amusing, because about a year ago, I was I/E N/S FP. Of course, this is no where close to being exact science. My personality is quite malleable and changes according to the people I respect and/or hang around with. But, even if I just judge by my responses, I can see that I have changed a tad over those months!