Everyday thoughts

 I haven't written in this space for a while. Lots changed since the last time I posted, since Ramadan this year. Something almost unimagineable happened - we moved. In the past few years there were many instances when I thought about my old age, I almost had flash forwards to when I am eighty and alone, sitting in that balcony and staring out at the tree in the front yard. But it happened, and not through my effrots, alhamdulillah. This was a huge lesson - that when our heart desires something, we may not be making dua for it, but Allah knows what is best for us and can make it happen. What I did ask for was izza - honour and respect - in the whole process and whereever we are. 

I just realised - my writing style changed quite a bit as well. I started to write like Mr H - run on sentences and random punctuation everywhere. 

I'm at the tail end of my current job (and a potential break from my current career) in a few weeks. My ideas have massively evolved over the past six months or so. I was looking forward to this stage of my life because I thought I'd finally get better sleep, I would be able to spend more time with the kids while they are awake and get my night's rest back. Little A (not so much baby A any more) developed eczema and allergies since we moved. We've been to the emergency department twice in a week, I've delved into natural treatment and completely changed some parts of my surroundings to accomodate her needs. She is still up several times at night, and I am still on two cups of coffee/tea a day. 

I'm getting more me time these days though. Mr H has been taking the girls without me and visiting his parents about once a month. We see them at least once a week otherwise anyway alhamdulillah. 

I'm looking into writing more, professionally. The imposter syndrome affected part of me wants to ask: is it worth it? But I know the answer is: yes. I have had a few professionals tell me that I should just go for it. Life is short, so why not.

M is going to school next year inshaallah, proper school. She isn't enrolled in anything yet and she has no idea what a school is like beyond the borders of the small homeschooling school she is a part of now. We are continuing to have great conversations almost everyday. This is our convo after getting my morning coffee:

M: Mamaa, why can't I have coffee?

Me: Because it has caffeine in it (she knows the answer.. but continues to ask 😑)

M: What's caffeine?

Me: Its a drug.

M: What's a drug?

Me: Something that changes your brain.

M: I know what else is a drug. Alcohol. 

Me: Yes! But alcohol is haram and caffeine is not.

M: Why?

Me: Because Allah said so. Caffeine isn't as bad for you as alcohol is. 

I love that M made that connection. She first learnt about alcohol when we went to a hotel and she saw bottles lined up behind the service desk. She recognised alcohol in aldi and a bottle shop afterwards. She asks difficult questions these days, and I love it. We have had many conversations about caffeine before. She knows that she can have it when she's older when her brain is developed a little more and will be less affected by caffeine. I love how intelligent and sincere she is, mashaallah. May Allah always protect her and guide her. 

I'm at a cafe today, typing this. Mr H is meant to take the girls to the park. I hope they already left and I can have some time to myself at home. 

April Things

We've hit the 8 year mark in our marriage Alhamdulillah. Mr H and I are both terrible at gifts. We can't give them and we don't appreciate them either. I would much rather the experiences than any physical gifts, and I think he's the same. I wrote this for him:

Eight years of you and I
How quickly time passed us by
I don't remember our first meeting.
But
I remember
The yellow rose
Train rides
The necklace you chose
Ocean tides.
Driving through
Green trees
Sandy feet
Night breeze.
Smiling eyes
Messy hair
Adventures
Everywhere.

Now,
Thirty two countries,
Two girls,
Some fights, sleepless nights
Falling in love once more
Talking, chasing, living
Falling deeper than before.
Eight years of you and I
How quickly time passed us by
I hope we have many years ahead
Of driving while holding hands.

----

This year, I've hit thirty one. M is five.

I marvel at the way the girls have grown alhamdulillah. Allah kept them safe and healthy, and they grew, so fast! M can now read and write, is almost half way through the Iqra series, she has memorised 7 suwar - alhamdulillah! A is only just over 2 now and she tries to do the things that M does. I look at them and I feel the pride that parents feel in their hearts. But I know that everything that they have is from Allah, another mother might be doing the exact same things that I am but if the blessing isn't there the same fruits wouldn't come. May Allah always bless and protect us.

I had such a beautiful conversation with M this morning, I wanted to record it before I forget.

M knows that its her birthday. Today is the first year that she understands what a birthday is. She asked to bake a cake but we decided that we would do cake when she finishes her current Iqra book (got this idea from someone else). We would also do cake at other times as well (got this idea from another apu). I told Maryam that tonight might be a very special night. She asked: Laylatul Qadr?

I was so surprised! I didn't tell her about it and I didn't expect her to know. I asked her how she knows and she said that she remembers the 'boy' (imam) mentioning it last night during taraweeh. We talked about why Laylatul Qadr is special - its like Quran's birthday, when Allah sent down Quran for the very first time, just like she was in mumma's tummy five years ago and she came out (she enjoyed this comparison). 

We talked about Surah Al Qadr and everything it mentions - how its the most special night of the year, and lots of angels come down, even angel Jibril! M was amazed. She asked, 'is there a song about it?'

I said, 'I don't know, but we can make one!'

M started me off: Laylatul Qadr is the best night 

Laylatul Qadr is the best night 

Its worth a thousand months

Lots of angels come down

We pray from our hearts.

(We couldn't find anything that rhymed with months 😂). 

I'm really enjoying her innocence and interest now. I know this stage won't last forever, but I can enjoy it for the time being, and keep her and A in my duas.