Everyday thoughts

 I haven't written in this space for a while. Lots changed since the last time I posted, since Ramadan this year. Something almost unimagineable happened - we moved. In the past few years there were many instances when I thought about my old age, I almost had flash forwards to when I am eighty and alone, sitting in that balcony and staring out at the tree in the front yard. But it happened, and not through my effrots, alhamdulillah. This was a huge lesson - that when our heart desires something, we may not be making dua for it, but Allah knows what is best for us and can make it happen. What I did ask for was izza - honour and respect - in the whole process and whereever we are. 

I just realised - my writing style changed quite a bit as well. I started to write like Mr H - run on sentences and random punctuation everywhere. 

I'm at the tail end of my current job (and a potential break from my current career) in a few weeks. My ideas have massively evolved over the past six months or so. I was looking forward to this stage of my life because I thought I'd finally get better sleep, I would be able to spend more time with the kids while they are awake and get my night's rest back. Little A (not so much baby A any more) developed eczema and allergies since we moved. We've been to the emergency department twice in a week, I've delved into natural treatment and completely changed some parts of my surroundings to accomodate her needs. She is still up several times at night, and I am still on two cups of coffee/tea a day. 

I'm getting more me time these days though. Mr H has been taking the girls without me and visiting his parents about once a month. We see them at least once a week otherwise anyway alhamdulillah. 

I'm looking into writing more, professionally. The imposter syndrome affected part of me wants to ask: is it worth it? But I know the answer is: yes. I have had a few professionals tell me that I should just go for it. Life is short, so why not.

M is going to school next year inshaallah, proper school. She isn't enrolled in anything yet and she has no idea what a school is like beyond the borders of the small homeschooling school she is a part of now. We are continuing to have great conversations almost everyday. This is our convo after getting my morning coffee:

M: Mamaa, why can't I have coffee?

Me: Because it has caffeine in it (she knows the answer.. but continues to ask 😑)

M: What's caffeine?

Me: Its a drug.

M: What's a drug?

Me: Something that changes your brain.

M: I know what else is a drug. Alcohol. 

Me: Yes! But alcohol is haram and caffeine is not.

M: Why?

Me: Because Allah said so. Caffeine isn't as bad for you as alcohol is. 

I love that M made that connection. She first learnt about alcohol when we went to a hotel and she saw bottles lined up behind the service desk. She recognised alcohol in aldi and a bottle shop afterwards. She asks difficult questions these days, and I love it. We have had many conversations about caffeine before. She knows that she can have it when she's older when her brain is developed a little more and will be less affected by caffeine. I love how intelligent and sincere she is, mashaallah. May Allah always protect her and guide her. 

I'm at a cafe today, typing this. Mr H is meant to take the girls to the park. I hope they already left and I can have some time to myself at home.