Today is the Tomorrow I worried about Yesterday - I

I usually forget to treat this life as a journey. A little bit of reinforcement always reminds me and causes me to make radical decisions. Most of the time, I don't regret taking those decisions, I just regret taking them at that certain time and in the certain radical way. And then I spend a good period of time rolling around in my bed, moping, or complaining to everyone about everything. I guess this stems from the I-have-done-a-lot-of-good-to-last-me-a-lifetime-so-give-me-a-break feeling. Then I do something radically bad and start feeling guilty and humble again. There you go, a simple explanation for having a sine curvaceous mind.

Right now, I am sitting in the library and trying to remember what I wanted to write last night. I think it was something along the lines of why I feel lethargic most of the times. I have a tendancy to justify every thing I do, even if it is not justifiable. For example, I missed school yesterday, thinking that it was the walkathon. The walkathon is actually on Friday; I can't believe I made a mistake like this. But the point is, I wanted another day off even though I had a four-day weekend. I spent most of the day sleeping and watching 'Little Mosque on the Prairie' to force myself out of my misery. I am what my sis calls 'dukkhobilashi'. I really don't have anything to worry about in my life - I have food (more than enough!) on the table, a good educations, clothes (more than enough too, just... not the right kind.) on my back, a roof over my head and loving family and friends. Yet, I spend more time moping, sleeping and eating than actually doing anything.

I got a few of my results back for the tests that I have done. I don't have the rankings yet, so I don't know where I stand, but mark wise, I did far worse than I expected. I keep telling myself that I still have half the year and more than half the marks to go, but my conscience (also, Ms Horley) keeps telling me to straighten up. I make plans after plans and I never carry them out. I wish there was a place in society for dreamers, but unfortunately, we are a dying breed. If I don't become realistic pretty soon, I shall die too. To top it all off, I can see a book called 'People who have changed the Modern World'. Is the whole universe trying to rub my lack of usefulness right on my face?

Anyway, my faith keeps bouncing with my state of mind, kind of like the sine curve too. Yesterday, it was at three pie on two. This morning, it got up to two pies. InshaAllah I will go home and fuel it up and try to keep it constant for a few days. Listening to speeches really help. I was listening to a speech about making Dua by a speaker I forgot the name of in the car on Saturday. I could feel my soul soaking in all the goodness and craving for more. I should really finish listening to that some time.

I have seven minutes and fifty six seconds left. I am really sleepy. I think I'll go now.

Happenstance and Everything Else

I am stumbling upon 'happenstance' everywhere. The first time I came across this word was in Kimya Dawson's 'Chemistry' - My heart is on my sleeve and my head is in the sand, I said how did we end up here, you said happenstance. Then, it was the French movie - wait for it - 'Happenstance'! I have not watched it yet, but I did borrow it from the library with the intention of watching it. I didn't realise it was French until I was in the train, already half way home. I knew I should've borrowed that Hugh Grant movie instead of this!
I also borrowed 'Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants' because I've never watched it. I really liked the song they played when Lena was kissing whats-his-name. Partly because I was only listening to that part, and partly because the words were interesting. To say it in the best possible way: its sung in 'my way'. I have a crazy habit of singing made up songs in the shower, or when I'm hanging the washing, or when I want to annoy my siblings, and I usually repeat words and have tunes similar to this song. Its something like this, 'everybody's talkin' how I can't can't be your love, but I want want wanna be your love, be your love, for real'. I loved it so much that I downloaded the song and looked up the lyrics - 'Be be your love' by Rachel Yamagata. It happened to be from an album called 'Happenstance'!

I am exactly half way through my HSC year and mid-HSC-crisis is starting to strike. I really felt like I studied for my half yearlies until I finished them. I also felt quite organised and motivated most of the times, with posted notes of 'top 30' and 'miracles happen!' hung up in front of my eyes 24/7. Now I feel like I haven't done enough and my exams were not as good as I wanted them to be. I also feel like I was not organised enough. I dug up Steven's email about studying medicine and realised I haven't been doing any of the things he suggested I do if I really want to get into medicine. The last time I touched the UMAT prep booklets was three and a half months ago when I pretended to study in Sarah's desk in Rampura. I am not involved with any volunteer work or extra curricular activities this year, apart from YMSA. There is no way I am getting an UAI estimate of 99 or above, considering most of my rankings are around or under average. I was actually ranked last in Chemistry after badly screwing the prac. There is no way I am getting an UAI of 99 or above if I continue to be like this. I have not looked at a med application form before today. Yet, I cannot think about studying anything other than medicine. I know. Pathetic.

I am also exactly fifteen days away from becoming an adult. There is a tradition in our house - the birthday girl or boy cooks a special meal for the rest of the family on her or his birthday. I made paratha once; then cooked a three-course dinner on my sixteenth. Can't remember what I did last year, but I'm sure it was something good! I am planning to bake a lasagna for lunch on the Friday, because we are busy that night. I have tutoring with Steven and Apuni has a wedding to attend. Except, I don't know how to make lasagne, but that's beside the point. The point is, I will be stepping on the eighteenth year of my life in a few days and I am still the irresponsible, lost piece of shiitake I was when I was eight. In some ways, I have become more irresponsible and more lost. I can't imagine a girl like me studying medicine in nine months, but I can't not imagine myself studying medicine either.

Life is actually not as complicated as we make it out to be. There is a perfect guideline from God, in which it is clearly stated that the purpose of our existance is to worship Him. He created us and sent us to the world to test us if we really keep the promise we made when we said He is our Lord. He sets you little tests on your way, like, failing an exam, or passing the hot, smart guy you had a crush on since like forever, to see how you handle these situations. Or showing you the sunrise and letting you hear the birds chirp, to see if you are really thankful for these. Or letting you hear a thousand degrading words from a person you loved a lot once, to see exactly how it affects you. He places us in deep shit that covers our heads and chokes us, or in a imitation heaven, to see what choices we make - what we choose to say and do, and whether or not we remember Him. He also gave everyone different abilities to not kill us with boredom and to test whether we actually use our special abilities to fulfil the purpose of our life. If it is fixing toilets, so be it. If it is selling water, curing people, sharing your thoughts or employing people, let it be. But the catch is, whatever it is, we must use it to fullfil the purpose of our life. If our footsteps are only tiny, it does not matter, as long as that footstep is a good one. How is 'good' defined? Look it up the guideline!

Another catch - doing what you say, saying what you do, thinking what you say and do, and doing what you think and say. If you merely believe without action, you are a loser, both in this world and in the next. If you don't believe what you do, you're a hypocrete. Safe side - do both!

So that's all easy to say and very hard to do. But millions, maybe trillions, have done it before. Probably thousands are doing it right here in this world, right now. They are all different kinds of people with different abilities. So, why can't I be one of them?

I think I can, sometimes. But other times, when I forget that Allah actually lets us pray to Him whenever and ask Him for whatever we want, I can't. I feel despair when I turn away from Him for a long time, forgetting that He listens even if we don't. Allah loves all His creations and I read somewhere that he gave only 1% of His love to the world and shared it amongst every single created being - every mother, every child, every sister, every best friend, every lover - humans and animals. I find that really amazing. I went to an Al-Kauthar Course last year, 'To Him belongs the most beautiful names', which listed the 99 names of Allah and went through about 50. The names that struck me most was:
Al Wadud - The Loving
Al Mujeeb - The Answerer of Prayers
Al Rahman - Merciful
Al Afu - Effacer of Sin (This attribute is actually more powerful than The Forgiving, because, it means completely erasing the sin as if it never happened.)
Al Muhyi - Life Giver
Al Haqq - The Truth
These give me hope. I believe that Allah's words are completely true. The Qur'an is the Absolute Truth, as absolute as 'absolute' can get. It is not just another happenstance that an illiterate guy called Muhammad happened to be one of the 100 most influencial people in the world, it is because he was guided by The Truth with the absolute truth to spend his life in the truest way possible.

I am the type of person who likes to be completely sure. I mean, I love risks, otherwise, I would not dare to apply for medicine and dream about bungee jumping. But when it comes to deciding which way my life will unfold, I love to be sure. I completely believe in every word of The Book and I wonder why people wouldn't. I just found a hadith that I fell in love with instantly: It is related that Ibn 'Umar said that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "The keys to the Unseen are five things which only Allah knows. No one knows what will happen tomorrow, no one knows what is inside the wombs, no self knows what it will gain tomorrow, no self knows what land it will die in and no one knows when the rain will come."I wonder why Ms Voss believes there's nothing called absolute truth. I wonder why people are baffled about what to do with their talent. I wonder why Muslims are the most hated, yet Islam is the fasted growing religion in the world. I wonder with frustration why I don't rely on God 24/7 when I know there is no other way.

Venting

I feel angry when I feel like I don't have control over something. I feel angry before english tests because I don't have a good vocabulary to explain what I really want to say. Before maths tests, I feel angry when I can't solve a problem. I feel angry when everyone around me guiltlessly basks in love. I feel angry when everyone around me is taller than me. I feel angry when I don't get access to the internet when I want to. I feel angry when I see another 'tuna in oil' can and cold bread. I feel angry when I gain two kilos after loosing one. I feel angry when I don't get replies as soon as I send something. I feel angry when letters disappear in the post. I feel angry when I get a headache after being in the rain. Then I feel angry when I realise how immature I am, with only twenty three days to go until I officially become an adult.

In general, everything makes me angry. Before exams. :x

Rant #1

Every time I listen to Beatles’ ‘Across the Universe’, my brain changes the words. Instead of ‘words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup’, I hear, ‘words are flowing out like rain into the paper cups of pain.’ Mine sounds quite good, so I haven’t tried to change it in my brain.

Right now, I feel an excruciating wave of anger shooting up my body. The reason is quite simple – I feel like I am not given the freedom I deserve. This anger is annoying, because it won’t go away and it can’t be helped either. How many times have I tried to argue my way out of restrictions? It never works. Instead, more restrictions are put on me! I don’t understand why something Halaal should be made Haraam. Isn’t that a sin? Why should culture hinder us from practising Islam? Islam is above all and nothing comes before it. I thought they understood it, but why are they holding back because of the culture?

I love both of them. I don’t see why there should be a difference between them. I don’t see why one should be looked down upon, not approved, and the other idealised. They can’t even explain the reason to me properly, which means they don’t have a proper reason. Its unfair! And ok. Fine. Don’t let me hang around that person. Why can’t the other fill up the space? Both of them together make an amazing pair. If both of them were one person, I think I’d love and respect that person so much more. But since that person is unable to fill up the place of the other, I think I have a right to spend time with both of them.

I wish they would all stop being confused. I wish I would stop being confused. I wish we could all be completely truthful, with ourselves, Allah, and with everyone around us.

I love all four of them. But each of them have their deficiencies and sometimes its hard to put up with it. I think the most important quality in a person is honesty and openness. I don’t have any of them. But I think a person with those qualities can change that in me. I’m trying to be more honest with myself. I still have to work on it. I still try to convince myself of something, even if I know its not right. I should not be ashamed to ask people who know more than me. I know I can’t judge everything myself. I don’t have the maturity or the knowledge to do so.

Nowadays, I just feel like saying whatever and waving everything away.

Loose lips might sink ships but loose kisses take trips. So if I wanna kill myself, should I remember that you love me? If I call you up, can we make some plans instead? I will ask you what you think because your thoughts and words are powerful.

But I still love hugging, singing, screaming, kissing, tugging on the sleeve of how it used to be!

We went to see Tania apu when we went to Bangladesh. Since the last time we saw her, she got married. Her father aka my dad’s youngest brother passed away. She started teaching in a primary school. She’s a bit younger than my brother and a bit older than my sister. Now, she’s six months pregnant and looks ten times more beautiful. The girl who used to frown at me for not listening to her during long hours of Ludo, the girl who took me around our village, showing me off as ‘the cousin who came from Dhaka’, whose red eyes I used to be immensely scared of, hugged me very tightly and cried when we left her husband’s house.

Faria apu started wearing a hijab. Sarah stopped wearing it. The one I remember as a seven year old pouting girl, gets calls from ten different guys in one day. Shifa is transforming from being a child to a girl. She’s naturally talented in dancing and singing and her olive skin seems to look more beautiful each day. Mami is very, very worried about that girl!

Tahmid is going to be an understanding, responsible and overall, an amazing man. Eshon’s existence was negligible in my world before, but he became part of the group. Nusaiba seems like she’d grow up to be me – confused. Since the last time I saw choto mami, which was the first time I remember talking to her, Shahrin came into existence and is already three. Two new bhabis entered the family. Shahana apu’s oldest son, who I’d always remember as a three year old skinny little boy, is now busy with many jobs around the village and spends the whole day on his bike, in a lungi. Sajid bhayia seemed bigger and scarier. You can tell Sabit will have girls running after him in a few years, even though he’s only six. Rafif is turning out to be as talented and gorgeous as his parents. Zarin is getting shyer every day. Dadu passed away, nanu got older. My sister is no longer an unmarried girl who I can giggle with about silly dreams. I will be doing my HSC in seven months and deciding writing my own life story, in a separate book, really soon.

No matter how much I scream, nothing’s gonna change my world, everything is changing. This is what I felt about a year ago, when my life seemed to be at the corner of a turning road. A confused girl like me gets even more confused when she faces crossroads and turns.