Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Today is the Tomorrow I worried about Yesterday - I

I usually forget to treat this life as a journey. A little bit of reinforcement always reminds me and causes me to make radical decisions. Most of the time, I don't regret taking those decisions, I just regret taking them at that certain time and in the certain radical way. And then I spend a good period of time rolling around in my bed, moping, or complaining to everyone about everything. I guess this stems from the I-have-done-a-lot-of-good-to-last-me-a-lifetime-so-give-me-a-break feeling. Then I do something radically bad and start feeling guilty and humble again. There you go, a simple explanation for having a sine curvaceous mind.

Right now, I am sitting in the library and trying to remember what I wanted to write last night. I think it was something along the lines of why I feel lethargic most of the times. I have a tendancy to justify every thing I do, even if it is not justifiable. For example, I missed school yesterday, thinking that it was the walkathon. The walkathon is actually on Friday; I can't believe I made a mistake like this. But the point is, I wanted another day off even though I had a four-day weekend. I spent most of the day sleeping and watching 'Little Mosque on the Prairie' to force myself out of my misery. I am what my sis calls 'dukkhobilashi'. I really don't have anything to worry about in my life - I have food (more than enough!) on the table, a good educations, clothes (more than enough too, just... not the right kind.) on my back, a roof over my head and loving family and friends. Yet, I spend more time moping, sleeping and eating than actually doing anything.

I got a few of my results back for the tests that I have done. I don't have the rankings yet, so I don't know where I stand, but mark wise, I did far worse than I expected. I keep telling myself that I still have half the year and more than half the marks to go, but my conscience (also, Ms Horley) keeps telling me to straighten up. I make plans after plans and I never carry them out. I wish there was a place in society for dreamers, but unfortunately, we are a dying breed. If I don't become realistic pretty soon, I shall die too. To top it all off, I can see a book called 'People who have changed the Modern World'. Is the whole universe trying to rub my lack of usefulness right on my face?

Anyway, my faith keeps bouncing with my state of mind, kind of like the sine curve too. Yesterday, it was at three pie on two. This morning, it got up to two pies. InshaAllah I will go home and fuel it up and try to keep it constant for a few days. Listening to speeches really help. I was listening to a speech about making Dua by a speaker I forgot the name of in the car on Saturday. I could feel my soul soaking in all the goodness and craving for more. I should really finish listening to that some time.

I have seven minutes and fifty six seconds left. I am really sleepy. I think I'll go now.

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