I am stumbling upon 'happenstance' everywhere. The first time I came across this word was in Kimya Dawson's 'Chemistry' - My heart is on my sleeve and my head is in the sand, I said how did we end up here, you said happenstance. Then, it was the French movie - wait for it - 'Happenstance'! I have not watched it yet, but I did borrow it from the library with the intention of watching it. I didn't realise it was French until I was in the train, already half way home. I knew I should've borrowed that Hugh Grant movie instead of this!
I also borrowed 'Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants' because I've never watched it. I really liked the song they played when Lena was kissing whats-his-name. Partly because I was only listening to that part, and partly because the words were interesting. To say it in the best possible way: its sung in 'my way'. I have a crazy habit of singing made up songs in the shower, or when I'm hanging the washing, or when I want to annoy my siblings, and I usually repeat words and have tunes similar to this song. Its something like this, 'everybody's talkin' how I can't can't be your love, but I want want wanna be your love, be your love, for real'. I loved it so much that I downloaded the song and looked up the lyrics - 'Be be your love' by Rachel Yamagata. It happened to be from an album called 'Happenstance'!
I am exactly half way through my HSC year and mid-HSC-crisis is starting to strike. I really felt like I studied for my half yearlies until I finished them. I also felt quite organised and motivated most of the times, with posted notes of 'top 30' and 'miracles happen!' hung up in front of my eyes 24/7. Now I feel like I haven't done enough and my exams were not as good as I wanted them to be. I also feel like I was not organised enough. I dug up Steven's email about studying medicine and realised I haven't been doing any of the things he suggested I do if I really want to get into medicine. The last time I touched the UMAT prep booklets was three and a half months ago when I pretended to study in Sarah's desk in Rampura. I am not involved with any volunteer work or extra curricular activities this year, apart from YMSA. There is no way I am getting an UAI estimate of 99 or above, considering most of my rankings are around or under average. I was actually ranked last in Chemistry after badly screwing the prac. There is no way I am getting an UAI of 99 or above if I continue to be like this. I have not looked at a med application form before today. Yet, I cannot think about studying anything other than medicine. I know. Pathetic.
I am also exactly fifteen days away from becoming an adult. There is a tradition in our house - the birthday girl or boy cooks a special meal for the rest of the family on her or his birthday. I made paratha once; then cooked a three-course dinner on my sixteenth. Can't remember what I did last year, but I'm sure it was something good! I am planning to bake a lasagna for lunch on the Friday, because we are busy that night. I have tutoring with Steven and Apuni has a wedding to attend. Except, I don't know how to make lasagne, but that's beside the point. The point is, I will be stepping on the eighteenth year of my life in a few days and I am still the irresponsible, lost piece of shiitake I was when I was eight. In some ways, I have become more irresponsible and more lost. I can't imagine a girl like me studying medicine in nine months, but I can't not imagine myself studying medicine either.
Life is actually not as complicated as we make it out to be. There is a perfect guideline from God, in which it is clearly stated that the purpose of our existance is to worship Him. He created us and sent us to the world to test us if we really keep the promise we made when we said He is our Lord. He sets you little tests on your way, like, failing an exam, or passing the hot, smart guy you had a crush on since like forever, to see how you handle these situations. Or showing you the sunrise and letting you hear the birds chirp, to see if you are really thankful for these. Or letting you hear a thousand degrading words from a person you loved a lot once, to see exactly how it affects you. He places us in deep shit that covers our heads and chokes us, or in a imitation heaven, to see what choices we make - what we choose to say and do, and whether or not we remember Him. He also gave everyone different abilities to not kill us with boredom and to test whether we actually use our special abilities to fulfil the purpose of our life. If it is fixing toilets, so be it. If it is selling water, curing people, sharing your thoughts or employing people, let it be. But the catch is, whatever it is, we must use it to fullfil the purpose of our life. If our footsteps are only tiny, it does not matter, as long as that footstep is a good one. How is 'good' defined? Look it up the guideline!
Another catch - doing what you say, saying what you do, thinking what you say and do, and doing what you think and say. If you merely believe without action, you are a loser, both in this world and in the next. If you don't believe what you do, you're a hypocrete. Safe side - do both!
So that's all easy to say and very hard to do. But millions, maybe trillions, have done it before. Probably thousands are doing it right here in this world, right now. They are all different kinds of people with different abilities. So, why can't I be one of them?
I think I can, sometimes. But other times, when I forget that Allah actually lets us pray to Him whenever and ask Him for whatever we want, I can't. I feel despair when I turn away from Him for a long time, forgetting that He listens even if we don't. Allah loves all His creations and I read somewhere that he gave only 1% of His love to the world and shared it amongst every single created being - every mother, every child, every sister, every best friend, every lover - humans and animals. I find that really amazing. I went to an Al-Kauthar Course last year, 'To Him belongs the most beautiful names', which listed the 99 names of Allah and went through about 50. The names that struck me most was:
Al Wadud - The Loving
Al Mujeeb - The Answerer of Prayers
Al Rahman - Merciful
Al Afu - Effacer of Sin (This attribute is actually more powerful than The Forgiving, because, it means completely erasing the sin as if it never happened.)
Al Muhyi - Life Giver
Al Haqq - The Truth
These give me hope. I believe that Allah's words are completely true. The Qur'an is the Absolute Truth, as absolute as 'absolute' can get. It is not just another happenstance that an illiterate guy called Muhammad happened to be one of the 100 most influencial people in the world, it is because he was guided by The Truth with the absolute truth to spend his life in the truest way possible.
I am the type of person who likes to be completely sure. I mean, I love risks, otherwise, I would not dare to apply for medicine and dream about bungee jumping. But when it comes to deciding which way my life will unfold, I love to be sure. I completely believe in every word of The Book and I wonder why people wouldn't. I just found a hadith that I fell in love with instantly: It is related that Ibn 'Umar said that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "The keys to the Unseen are five things which only Allah knows. No one knows what will happen tomorrow, no one knows what is inside the wombs, no self knows what it will gain tomorrow, no self knows what land it will die in and no one knows when the rain will come."I wonder why Ms Voss believes there's nothing called absolute truth. I wonder why people are baffled about what to do with their talent. I wonder why Muslims are the most hated, yet Islam is the fasted growing religion in the world. I wonder with frustration why I don't rely on God 24/7 when I know there is no other way.