Once again, I am at the doorstep of a difficult week ahead of me. Once again, I feel like I have too much on my plates and not enough time to digest it all. I have several exams, one quiz and one report due next week. Ramadan is nearly at its end, and, I have felt increasingly annoyed at myself for not using this time to its fullest. A certain issue has prodded my mind for the past few weeks, until I finally cleared it up, but its effects have not worn out yet. My responsibilities and lack of being responsible is making me very tired.
However, I am also getting to know myself in these days. Today, I made a list of the things I know about myself. What prompted me was the conversation with CJ yesterday. I have been failingly trying to get him to start a blog because everything he says is quite quote worthy. For example, one of his recurring themes is about learning from every single experience and mistake. Which I totally agree to, in theory, however, I actually have not seen anyone, from close, cling to their values more than this person (apart from probably FG - the best friend that we both share). So, its always an inspiration to actually think about the things he says. One of things he said was, from my blog, two things about me was very clear - insecurity and peace. Two very different things, so of course, they have been recurring in my life in different times. And, it took me seconds to figure out, the times that I feel 'peaceful' - are the times I feel close to Allah.
When I feel close to Allah, I can let go of all worries, because I know He knows what will happen to me in the future. I know He is my Creator, so He knows what is good for me. If studying Psychology and Neuroscience has taught me anything, it is to appreciate Allah's creation and power more and more everyday. So many things are happening simultaneously, and without a care about anything else in the world. The sun rises while millions of birds fly out while even more ants start to crawl while grass grows while children smile while the world revolves while its night on the other side of the world while thousands of people cry to their Creator out of gratefulness or frustration. While I type, as soon as my fingers touch the letters, it sends the message to my brain via several chemical reactions, which then sends a message back, 'permitting' the touch. And the same thing happens as I press on a key, and pull my finger up. At the same time, millions of neurons are firing away thoughts in my head. While my digestive system takes care of the iftaar and my nose, lungs and heart and several other parts of my body allows me to breathe. ALL happening simultaneously, every single moment. And ALL of it is in control of Allah. Externally, internally, physically and emotionally - we are completely reliant on our Creator.
There have come so many moments in my life when I thought something was not possible, but Allah made it possible. Nation wide poetry prize in year 6, School Certificate, LJM's change - are only a few that I can immediately think of. This makes sense in my head, but I'm not sure if it does in anyone else's. Even my family thinks a lot of these are just coincidences. But, I have realised, it is all part of the plan of life. Part of my reasons to be grateful. That one step towards Jannah.
I am hoping I would return to the state of 'peacefulness' sometime soon and not leave any time soon. I am trying to be a bit more truthful to myself and Allah, and I am hoping it works better than all other pseudo comforts.
Also - if you have come this far and not dropped off the face of the Earth while listening to my rant, and if you have Facebook, please 'like' this page. It is for a website that brings info about current fundraising activities in Sydney, under one roof. If you think you should not 'like' it because you don't live here, or you aren't Muslim, think again. If the world is helped because of one click, why not? :)
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