Tuesday, September 13, 2011

So, Lately.

After reading an excerpt from 'The Little Prince' in someone's status, I decided to begin reading it myself. I am up to chapter seven and I think it has already began to become one of my favourite books. However, I do fear I am becoming like one of those adults the main character keeps referring to. It seems like I just don't have enough time to do anything any more, yet my to-do list seems to grow anyway. And even though I create lists and maintain a diary, I always seem to forget certain things that come back to me in the most inconvenient of times. The perks of growing old. :/

When I had the time to spend the day just watching clouds, or curl up in my bed while reading and munching on a green apple with salt and red pepper, I really looked up to the people whose lives were constantly busy doing things that are worthwhile. And don't get me wrong - I still do look up to those. But, now that I got my own self doing things that are supposedly worthwhile, I often feel myself burning out. Now I know why both workaholics and people who take life way too easily are ridiculed. Neither life is actually awesome. What would be absolutely awesome is the balance between the two (and hence, I realise, the wisdom of the importance of balance in Islam). I even have the perfect plan to balance things out. I just have not implemented it yet!

I went to an Eid fair this year and went on four rides, all of which I thoroughly loved and hated. They took me to one of those epiphanies: I am extremely fearful of heights. However, they also gave me hope. I almost had a phobia of deep water when I was young. I would cry when anyone tried to teach me swimming in my grandma's pond, or when we got on boats to go to my dad's village. This used to happen at least once or twice a year. But, somehow, possibly through repeated exposure to water, I got over it. I am even starting swimming from Friday inshaallah! Even though I don't know how to swim, I am  hoping to teach myself.  So yes, there is hope, because, with repeated exposures to scary rides, I might one day be ready to climb the Harbour Bridge, bungy jump and sky dive. Probably in that order. :)

So, as I sit and write this at a train station, a couple of high school kids begin to show PDA in the bench next to mine. I usually have no idea how to react to the slightest forms of PDAs, such as an exchange of loving glance. I usually just begin to feel like the third wheel. But that said, it doesn't mean I don't find such glances cute. And I also think I would feel very restricted if I felt like I was inconveniencing others when I one day feel like some PDA-ing. Yet, it is highly uncomfortable. Also, where do you draw the line of what's appropriate? Every one and every place has different standards - but I think, once you begin to love someone, and you are with them, you often feel like you two are the only two people in the entire world. Which, of course, makes things harder for those around you, because you begin to deny the existence of those that exist.

Talking about existence reminds me of BDR. He is one of the very different people I met in neuroscience this year. As CJ would say, 'in our own worlds, we would never have crossed paths'. He is tall, blonde and blue eyed, and comes from the 'bible belt' of Australia. His whole name is very typical. Basically, outwardly, he has no trace of anything that will make one think he's any different to any other person you see in one of those Australian TV shows. However, the more I got to know him, the more I realised that there are many different levels that a person can connect to with another. The conversations that I enjoy the most with him are arguments about 'existence', it seems. The reason why I love talking to him is that he listens. A lot of people think that they listen, but they never do. They just want to re-confirm what they think is true. I hate that, possibly because, I know that I do that sometimes. However, I am trying hard to grow out of it. And the more I try to get rid of it, the more I feel the importance of listening. Yes, life may become a little harder because your ego has been hurt. But that’s how people change. And if people were never meant to change in the world, Allah would have created us as grown ups with perfection. :)

The other people that I met are: XNH (A talented singer - I am thinking of asking if she wants to sing my songs - who comes from a very multicultural family.), another person whose initials I cannot remember, BLB (who constant swears, then says sorry. 'Dude's everyone, complains about life, smokes, but is an extremely amusing person. I already enjoy being around her while doing the neuroscience group assignment, but also I think I would truly enjoy her company once I get to know her a little better), NP (whose name sounds an awfully lot similar to Nicholas Sparks. He lives away from his family, and when I asked him how his uni break was, one of the things he lovingly mentioned was 'food that someone else cooks for you'. And I realised, yet again, why I love that I live at 'home'.).

Several things have made me appreciate the fact that my 'home' is in fact the house that I live in. NR sent me her HSC story to mark a long time ago. But it was only yesterday that I got a chance (and remembered) to go through it. The idea of it was to portray how 'we' sometimes feel like we don’t belong anywhere. But, I figured, it does not necessarily apply to me. My parents have left their home in BD when they came here, and I am not sure if they will ever completely think of their lavish house as a 'home'. That is not where they spent most of their life, built their life, figured out what they want to do with their lives. Its something that they built out of a lot of hard work, love and effort, yes, but does that define what 'home' is?  Whereas - me - my home has my family, my adolescence in cardboard boxes that I can take out and reminisce about every now and then, my space, the beginning of my career, the dreams of building a life, protection, love, support in every single way. Its all in the same country, same city - under one roof. How many people around the world can say that about themselves?

I still do think I want to travel. But I have also began to realise how important my family is to me, and how much I don't ever want to live too long too far from home.

PS: The birth anniversary of two of my beautiful best friends just passed yesterday. I hope they always remain beautiful in my eyes, and best friends in my heart. 

3 comments:

  1. z3330474,
    your zPASS has been blocked for 2 hours for violating terms and conditions. This blog contains too many class information.

    Sincerely,
    UNSW IDM

    ReplyDelete
  2. hahahahaha no its just a friend pulling a prank on me. LOL sif my personal blog is anyone's business haha!!

    ReplyDelete