I lie inside myself for hours, and watch my purple sky fly over me

My body clock has officially flipped. At 2 AM, I am feeling buzzed enough to get some paperwork done while sipping on some mild caffeine and listening to acapella multitracks of Lauren King. I wish there was some good humming multitracks on Youtube - they could have gathered a million views from my clicks alone. Hopefully it will flip back tomorrow (today), because I have a packed schedule that I am hoping I can keep up with, so by the time its 11 pm, I should be dead enough to crave my bed. Anyway, so, I spent one of the laziest day of my life today (yesterday). I just lay in bed all day and watched Friends, occasionally getting up to get food. The problem with this was - I set up my life so that I cannot afford to have too many lazy days. I already had to push back one commitment, and get rid of another, simply because I felt like spending the day watching Friends and eating. Although this works fine for a while, it eventually gets annoying. And you feel like its not worth it, you would rather get up and get some work done. The moral of the story is - signing up for a balanced load of commitments is good for you. :)

I think I am finally working out the secret of having balanced emotions. I am the sort of person whose emotions naturally go haywire. I need a box of tissues to watch romantic comedies and I feel ecstatic when I can see the colours of the rain, so you can imagine what I would be like when actual emotional events take place. This can get slightly annoying (I know, because I get annoyed by other people who are a lot more emotional than I am). But, I am really grateful for my emotions, because, as cliched as it sounds, they do bring colour to my life. The only trick is to use them optimally, which can be done by creating a balance. If you are an emotional person, its quite harmful to just attempt to suppress it all the time and hide behind a mask. It is equally harmful to express every single emotion every single time to every single person in every situation. What you need to do is identify some people that you can share things with. It doesn't have to be one of two people - it can be a whole group of people, with each of whom you share different parts of your life. Then, there are some things that are better unsaid to people, and you share those with Allah, and you make dua for directions, or strength, or whatever else it is you need. The tricky part is to decide which ones are better kept only between you and Allah and which ones are better to be shared. I am yet to figure that out in detail.

The important thing to remember is to choose the levels of people in your life very carefully. I have made the mistake of letting in a wrong person way too many times, as have most other people. But I guess we just have to keep at it, and consciously realise that there are some people that are plain harmful for us that need we need to stop letting in after a certain point. For example, if you know that one of your friends has a problem with backstabbing, don't tell her things that you don't want others to know, even if you are feeling very vulnerable and feel like that person is the only person who will be able to support you, because, frankly, they are not. But that doesn't mean that you completely push them away. You tell them things that are okay to be public, and you never, ever backstab. Because, if they are talking about someone else with you, they will do the same to about you. I learnt this valuable lesson in my final year of high school, when certain information were randomly flying around from mouth to mouth in ways that I had no idea about. This eventually led to huge fractures in the relationship between a few people, who I had eventually lost contact with. Which is a shame, because at one point, I really did feel like we were very good friends. Moral of the story is, create a balance before you realise that its too late to straighten the tilt.

Our lives are so very different. Yet, at the end of the day, we are all sitting the same test - whether we can survive in it until the end. The details of my test would be different to the details of yours, because the things that I struggle with are not going to be the exact things that you struggle with. But, the main thing is to keep holding on. During difficult times, to realise that it is indeed difficult and seek Allah's help, because, without Him, no one can pull you out. During times of ease, to realise that it came from Him, to thank Him, and thank Him more for giving you the ability to remember Him. We need to realise that its okay that we have failed in the past, because it is our thoughts and actions that follow the failure that matters.

Wake up Sid

I just watched a really cute movie called 'Wake Up Sid'. Its about a spoilt, useless, yet talented, boy who grows up to be a man after he meets a girl. The story seems (and probably is) incredibly clichéd, but I am a sucker for romantic comedies most days, so predictably, it made me tear up like a teenage girl. The part that I loved the most was that they both helped each other grow a little bit, each day. They began as very different people, yet, they brought out the best in each other. Isn't that what all relationship should be about - bringing out the best in each other?

I think, when you don't have anyone in sight that you would like to be in a long term relationship with, you construe an ideal, 'perfect' image in your head, inspired by the various -woods, novels, public faces of others' relationships mixed in with what you believe what you need in order to be 'happy'. But when you fall for someone, the perfect list goes out the window. The trick is to realise that there are more than one person that you have a chance of being compatible with, and you will most definitely have problems with all of them. However, you need to figure out what problems are worth putting up with.

When blessings shower...

I walked home in the pouring rain with my beloved red umbrella (yes, its been two years, but I still love it!) and all I could think of was - I wish I could capture these moments with all of my senses. Time seemed to slow beneath those white and yellow street lights that lit up under the overcast sky. Raindrops lit up one by one, glittered for a while, then fell upon the earth ever so softly. Their heavy melody upon metal rooftops blocked out the unpleasant noises of reality; the smell of fresh, softened earth made my heart beat a little faster. I looked at all those staring at the rain, some with a blank expression, some exasperated from the inconvenience after a long day at work. And I wondered why they could not feel the beauty that I felt. And I felt grateful for being able to feel the beauty. And, even though, by the time I came home, most of my clothes were drenched, and even though, the walk home seemed much longer than the usual five minutes, and even though, I was worried whether my laptop is protected enough - the walk was one of the most content, beautiful walks I have ever walked.

Yahya Ibrahim

Last weekend, I went to yet another Alkauthar course that changed me a little bit. It was taught by sheikh Yahya Ibrahim - one of the most amazing people I have ever come across. His ability to balance himself perfectly in every aspect, ability to prioritise things that matter, people that matter is truly admirable.  It is very easy to tilt that balance as one's roles expand in the external world. His commitments are quite a few, as it can be seen in this excerpts from a short biography - "Since arriving in Australia, he was a religious adviser, and later a Deputy Principal of the largest Islamic school in Australia. Presently, Yahya is attached to Curtin University as an Islamic Chaplain. He is also a director of a retail company that has grown to 13 Halal food outlets based in shopping centres around Pert and soon, inshaallah, expanding nationally and internationally."

I know how busy chaplaincy can get because I have seen MJ, the chaplain at our uni, work for the past two years. He is either signing papers, or arranging finance for an event, or calling up important people, or fixing up the light in the udhu area, or arranging a musallah clean up, or solving people's problems when he isn't lecturing or tutoring his students. He is a happy fellow, but I have always wondered how he keeps his cool. It should be a full-time job alone to be a chaplain. On top of that, being a DIRECTOR of a company - which is most definitely a full-time job alone too - is incredible. In his lectures, he often mentions that he also conducts youth and marriage counselling. He flies to different continents to inspire others. And, as he keeps telling us, the most important people in his life will always be the most important people.

At this stage, I can only aspire and make dua to be like him one day. Compared to him, my commitments are very little, yet, I find it very hard to keep my home life balanced as my external world grows. (And, what's worse is that by 'home life' - I mean 'life of the youngest child', not 'married with two kids'.) However, what I found is, the best, most balanced days come when I feel close to Allah and simply make dua. Dua to keep my parents happy, dua to make my teaching sessions productive, dua to make a wonderful meal, dua to get the best out of a lecture. Its amazing, how, to others, 'dua' would seem like just some spoken words. But its so much more than that to a believer! Its truly a 'weapon' to us. 

Struggling to Surrender

I am currently reading Struggling to Surrender by Jeffrey Lang, an associate professor in the Department of Mathematics and University of Kansas. It is a personal account about the journey and thoughts of a born and raised Catholic turned Atheist turned Muslim. The subtitle of the book is 'some impressions of an American convert to Islam' - even though I am not a 'convert' (nor am I American :P), I am finding that I can relate to a lot of his thoughts and questions, whether it came from myself or others. I am not very far into the book, but I'm finding his points of views interesting because he has so many different backgrounds - rigidly religious, atheism, loving family, mathematics - and all of these impact on the way he views Islam and vice versa. He is very eloquent in his writing - I remember myself being captivated with emotions in a train carriage filled with people as I read through the first chapter - the chapter of how he came to Islam. I would recommend this book to anyone who likes to have their brain picked AND emotional roller-coaster rides.

"How wonderful is the case of a believer; there is good for him in everything and this applies only to a believer. If prosperity attends him, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him; if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is better for him."