The crashes are heaven for a sinner like me

When nothing is certain about the future, we try to make it ourselves. We settle for second best, because the best isn't here yet, and there is no guarantee that it will ever be. We only look at the options in front of us and pick the what seems to be the least negative of all, desperate to get out of the situation we are currently in. We don't believe others when they say we deserve better, and will receive better, only if we wait for it to come around. Alhamdulillah, I am not in that state right now, but I can see plenty of people around me that are. I wish there was some way I could make them see what I see. However, I also see what they see from where they are standing. From where they are standing, they cannot see ahead, thus, they believe that the road ahead does not exist, and they must pave it themselves.

At the end of the day, every single person is flawed. They would not be people if they were not. Therefore, one should never depend completely on someone else, nor should they make anyone dependent on themselves. There should not be one single person that fills your heart, because the moment they leave, you will feel empty without end. In fact, every single person that you let enter your heart becomes a danger to you. Because, even if they take up a very tiny space, they will still leave that bit vacant when they leave. However, it is natural for us to cling to something. Therefore, the best Being to cling to is God, because He is the only Being in your entire existence that will never leave your heart, unless you prevent yourself from letting Him enter or push Him away.

But when you have pushed Him away, it feels horribly humiliating to call Him back. So, you keep delaying the call. You keep losing yourself into everything that is not real, even though you know for sure its not the path you should take. And it becomes a constant cycle, a labyrinth you lose yourself in.

The world is annoying me with all its imperfection.

"And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,
And all this devotion was rushing out of me,
And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me,
The arms of the ocean deliver me." 

Procrastinating, obviously.

I am attempting to pull another allnighter due to another assignment. I am being VERY organised because this assignment isn't due till Thursday. But I also have a thousand other things to do within that time. I have my coffee, my room is relatively clean, I am underneath my bed (and my bed has finally been rid of all papers except for the assignment sheet!) and I have a whole lot of tabs with articles that I must take notes from. YET I kept winding up on Facebook. Hence, I decided to post up a quick update over here so that I take out all of my procrastination angst in one place then sit and read with a clear mind.

- I turned 21 exactly a month and ten days ago.
- I got my Ps! (After 4 years, 4 trials and hundreds of dollars slipping from my nearly empty wallet)
- I drove to and from work, at night, by myself.
I feel like a grown up. xD

Go to Youtube. Search 'Tales of Mere Existence - Procrastination'.

And again.

Although I often forget that my heart is only Yours

You keep me close, You hold my hand and lead me into light.

Although I turn my back on You and think I am enough

You push me in a corner, with no results, I fight. 

And when I lose - yet again - I feel like such a fool,

I realise that I've been here many times before

When I keep sinking to the bottom of the sea

You always bring me right back to the shore. 

Reminder

When summer turns to autumn then winter, leaves are supposed to turn yellow, then fall off. Green grasses are supposed to become a thing of the past. You are supposed to be sick. Because, if winter never came around, you would not appreciate the beauty of spring. You would not witness the beginning of blooming flowers. You would not be amazed by the slow revival of colours in a grey day. Hence, when those grey days come around, do not despair. Indeed, with hardship, comes ease.

Sickness, loneliness (and also - some happiness!)

Its that time of the year again - I have tissues sprawled everywhere, my nose and eyes are running simultaneously, I have a constant headache, my throat hurts and my voice seems to disappear every now and then. I am sick. This does not happen often. But when it does - it happens at the worst of times. I have an assignment due on Tuesday. I have work and uni all week. I cannot afford to lie on my bed all day even though it is the only activity I would like to (and probably should!) engage in for the next few days.

However, I am left with a empty cup of coffee, a few tunes, blank papers and the article I am supposed to be analysing. So far, I have written a little over 300 words, which I am expecting to magically turn into 1500 words by the end of tonight. After which, I am planning to take off work (I'm sick!) and sleep. By the end of tonight, I am expecting to get sicker anyway. Although, I hate taking work off. I have a love-hate relationship with my current work. I am a junior therapist for two little autistic boys. Currently, they are the cutest and most loved boys in my life. I love it when they wrap their arms around me and giggle. I love laughing like crazy at lame things like a toy car driving up the wall, singing nursery rhymes tunelessly and hearing my name from their little lips.

One thing I love about kids is that they get amused by very small things and start to love anyone they have a bit of fun with. They are free of inhibitions that fill an adult's mind. They don't worry about risks, nor do they judge too quick. But then, they don't have to. The older we grow, the more we know, the more we begin to see the long road ahead of us. The more we see that road, the more cautious we become. The more reserved, the more 'rational', they more careful.

Apart from kids and all the good things that come with them, lately, I have also been thinking about loneliness. I know its all about perception. You may feel lonely amongst a thousand people, and at the same time, you can be without loneliness even when you are by yourself. The only Being that can quench your thirst is God, because if you can perceive that God loves you more than any other being can ever do, you can see that if you fill your heart with His love, it is enough. Alhamdulillah, this concept is easy for me to grasp because I have been exposed to it, have learnt about it and have felt it. Even then, sometimes, that feeling leaves me. I was thinking about the people that have not experienced it, or do not experience it often. Everyone leaves, all the time. And when your heart is attached to one particular person, you are bound to become lonely eventually. And if your heart is attached to a few people, you will still become lonely in the future, and you will be hurt over and over again. And way too many people cling on to other people, if not outwardly, they do in their hearts. And loneliness is ever present in them.

Anyway, I think I should stop philosophising because it will neither get me money nor sleep nor any closer to  where I want to be (unless someone reads my words and are so moved that they miraculously change their life for the better... highly unlikely. :P). Anyway, one of the loneliest songs I know is a song called Near to You by A Fine Frenzy. Although, as a student of Psychology, I should know that I should not tell you this, because, if you are lonely, and you listen to this song, it will make you feel lonelier. And if you are not lonely, and you listen to this song, you will probably start to feel lonely. And loneliness is not a positive emotion.

Time to get off. :)