Drama everywhere.

This blog has bore my thoughts since I was fourteen years old. I am now twenty one. If anyone wants to stalk my mind or carry out a psychoanalysis, this would be the place to start (and possibly end). I am generally very careful not to give out personal details, so if anyone wants to physically stalk me, they would be disappointed. As opposed to physical stalking, mental stalking has some advantages. Especially for a lost person like me, who still hasn't figured herself out, it helps when someone else observes and interprets myself for me. It also helps in keeping myself transparent. Sure, there are certain thoughts that I'd rather not expose to daylight, but I generally put out most thoughts here. So, if I happen to be a psychopath, somebody, someday, hopefully, will tell me.

Yesterday, at the end of another dramatic day, I realised how much I have changed in terms of accepting drama. In fact, it was only on the 11th of August that I posted about being 'dramia', and I remember liking being le Dramia. I remember liking drama for as long as I can remember - it spices up life. Yesterday, I realised, I don't find drama as amusing as I used to. I think its because I can now see the consequences of crossing limits. Every word and every action will be accounted for, somehow. In saying that, I don't think we should run away from drama if it falls upon us, either. It must be dealt with, but isn't as enjoyable as it used to be in the past. There goes my possible career path of being a marriage counsellor. Or any sort of counsellor. (And counsellors differ from psychologists. Look it up).

I have also recently taken an interest in politics. I am still only beginning to touch the surface, hence, I cannot understand intricate details of a lot of things yet. But, compared to the average human being, you can say I am no longer apolitical. It actually is very hard to be such a person in our current world. I lost faith in mainstream media a long time ago, and recent events are furthering my stance. However, it seems like no one can be trusted any more, when it comes to politics. Every single statement is an opinion, so, must be taken with a pinch of salt. In fact, there are so many opinions that are being thrown around from left, right and centre, opinions from people with very little knowledge, I am beginning to doubt the future of humanity (not really). Don't get me wrong - I love listening to people's opinions. But it gets problematic when they are based on incorrect or skewed information, or when they come from people who are opinionated just for the sake of being opinionated.

So, drama in the outside world and inside (?) world has led me to conclude a few things:
- Hardly anything surprises me these days.
- Being articulate, assertive, truthful and wise are the most important four aspects of communication.
- Being judgemental comes back and bites you in the backside.
- The more I know, the more I know how less I know.

In other news:
- I am now the proud owner of a coffee maker. I managed to go without coffee today. It does not feel awesome, but I think my body needs some detoxification.
- There are less than 2 months left till this semester finishes, including exams!
- I have started 365 photos again! This time - through instagram. My username is lamzity. Follow me if you like! (Nothing much to stalk here either).
- I have gone into a new plan which gives me free texting, and a greater downloading limit. But there are no free calls. So get ready to be text trolled by me. Constantly.
- Z got her first haircut today!
- I joined a gym! I have entered it once, to get my card et al. I am yet to start exercising.
- I wish I had some form of a Pensieve. 

53. The Star

When something is complex, yet simple, we call it beautiful. My mathematician friends call maths 'beautiful', but I don't usually see it, because I never stopped to think about the layers in mathematics. I just wrote the steps as they were taught, and that was enough for me. I have used it to describe visually complex things though (as most people do). For example, sunsets have always been beautiful to me. The way the world seems to slow down, the way the colours change gradually, yet, right before your eyes, that nostalgia you feel in your heart - that's what makes it 'beautiful'. So I suppose, beauty lies in the way something makes you feel. It lies in the complications which excite your emotions. Things that you cannot exactly put your finger on at the first go, but eventually realise that it all makes sense.

What made me think about beauty today is a chapter from the Quran - chapter 53. For a few days, I have been feeling very distracted when I try to engage in spiritual practices. I know why and when this happens. I need my feet planted right on the ground and also reach for the sky in order to grow properly. I think I have been floating around way too much and haven't stopped to put things in perspective. Its important to understand the purpose behind everything that you do and to be convinced that whatever you are doing is going to be of some use in order for you to completely 'want' to do it. So, since my head has been everywhere, I did not have my purposes set out in front of me, which led me to feel distracted.

So, my realisation is this: whenever you 'read' something, its not enough to just 'read' it. You must understand it, have a picture in your head and do something with it. If you don't, then either, whatever you're reading isn't worth it, or, you are not fulfilling the purpose of reading it. Given this premise, when it comes to the Quran, you are not giving it justice if you are just 'reading' it without understanding it. Although, there are blessings in everything about the Quran, including just reciting it. But, the Quran's purpose extends beyond recitation. Some level of understanding must be derived from it in order to even attempt at fulfilling its purpose.

The more you understand the Quran, the more 'beautiful' it would seem. There are verses in there that are easy to understand. Verses that provide comfort without you having to think about it twice. But, when you do think about it twice, it provides more comfort. There are verses that would apparently seem to go on in a logical progression, but when you think about them, you can see the logic. There are verses that make absolutely no sense when you read them at first. But when you look into them, you can see how coherent they are with the overall message and the context. For me, this particular chapter was like that. When I first read it, it seemed very similar to a lot of other chapters. A lot of familiar ideas seemed to be just placed together.

But here's the story: Muhammad (pbuh) came to a society which was at the pinnacle of moral decline. Any talk of morality that didn't comply with the society was faced with open ridicule. Since the message of Islam was starkly different to the prevalent ideas, the prophet invited people secretly for the first five years. (Although, oppression already started in Makkah, and some people migrated to Abyssinia (Ethiopia) because of it.) These verses were the first verses to be announced publicly. After he finished reciting them, majority of the people in the gathering fell to prostration, believers and disbelievers. The words were so eloquent, that even those who did not believe were shook up with them.

The chapter begins with defending Muhammad (pbuh). I find it amazing that God of the entire universe revealed verses to comfort and defend a man. And those verses, although it was meant for him at that time, are still there, and the Quran is for us, so, those verses are actually for us now. Allah knows how frustrating life can get when you are trying to do the right thing against all odds. It goes on to refute some other arguments of the disbelievers. The refutations work on their premises, not the premises set by the speaker. This is interesting, because, its a good reminder to us to work from where other people are, speak their language. When someone is passionate about a cause, its so easy to get carried away in their own little world, disregarding whether anything is absorbed by the listener or not. Another very interesting thing mentioned is the fact that arguments must be based on solid knowledge, not assumptions. This is just one of the many places in which Islam encourages seeking knowledge, being aware of reality, facing the truth; not hide away in our little boxes in pseudo comfort.

"Those who avoid the major sins and immoralities, only [committing] slight ones. Indeed, your Lord is vast in forgiveness. He was most knowing of you when He produced you from the earth and when you were fetuses in the wombs of your mothers. So do not claim yourselves to be pure; He is most knowing of who fears Him." (53:32)

I found this verse very interesting because it appeals to our core, the innermost selves in us. The fact that Allah knows us. The fact that we can't hide away, at all, we can't lie to Him, and no matter what happens, in the end, its between Him and every single person, individually. The following verses reinforce this.

The bit that actually led me to take an interest in the entire surah is this:

"And that it is He who makes [one] laugh and weep." (53:43)

Just yesterday, I was feeling very annoyed with myself. I had no idea (except for a tiny bit, maybe) why, and since I had very little idea, I couldn't do anything to get rid of the feeling. And I realised, people are absolutely helpless. You can take a thousand measures, but, there is no guarantee that you will stop feeling a certain way. And if you want to get rid of some negative feeling, the best you can do is make dua. At the end of the day He is the only one with complete control over what's in your heart.

The surah goes on to mention other points in which we actually are completely helpless at, then Allah poses the question - which of these favours can we doubt. That's the thing. If we accept everything we have in life as favours, if we can change our attitude so that the results don't annoy us, so that we can truly know in our hearts that every single thing that happens happens for a reason, we would be happy. And at the same time, knowing that Allah alone can bring justice, Allah alone will bring justice, to us and to others, makes you extremely scared and comforted, at the same time. And while you are at the height of emotions, Allah ends the chapter with the command of prostration.

That was a very short run down of the chapter, a very short and shallow run down. Yet, the fact that so many people fell to prostration to God after listening to this makes sense to me. Because, the basic ideas in itself are amazing. Now, adding layers of meanings that would be added due to the language and a more detailed version than the watered down summary, would make it beyond perfection. It would truly have been 'beautiful' - something that you can't quite put your fingers on, but something that makes sense.

Interesting people

I bumped into SD yesterday at Central. SD went to high school #2 with me, and just like most of my classmates from high school #2, I never got to know her too well. I can't remember ever having an one-to-one conversation that lasted more than five minutes. But yesterday, we had more than half an hour's worth of solid public transport time with each other. We had an interesting conversation going on - jumping from a lengthy discussion about which field of psychology we want to work in to what sort of guy we are look for to how we want to bring up our kids. One of the things we both agreed on was that neither of us want to work full time while we bring up children. You are moulding a generation when you bring up a child, and if you can help it, you do not want to make the same mistakes as you see around you. She said she wished she wrote down every thought while growing up, so that she remembers what its like. I was thinking, thank God for my blog, numerous diaries and bits and pieces of paper from my teen years. I look through those things sometimes, and even now (even though I am neither married nor a mother) I cannot feel the emotions I felt five years back. But at least they are there, emotions and events are documented. I love the idea of capturing moments so that we can look back on these and learn something from it.

I talked to two more people over the past few days - both about sixteen years of age. Both of them had very interesting thoughts, and probably felt like people didn't listen to them enough because of their age. One of them was from my scripture class. Her father grew up in Tunisia, got kicked out of the country at a young age because he wanted justice, travelled around Arab and ended up in Europe, met her mum while she was studying in an university in France, got married, had kids, came to Australia, went to Medina, came back to Australia. She is a very intelligent, mature young woman who is attuned with the reality of both the world and her life (mostly the world). She loves studying politics - her energy shows in the way her eyes light up when she talks about her ideas. She is also very sure about her ideas and she makes decisions based on surety. This increased my respect for her exponentially. I am about five years older than her, and I still don't have my life sorted out. I am still fumbling with life, trying to figure out where I should be going, trying to understand the world situation and unsure about where I stand with my viewpoints.

The other person that I talked to fascinated me with the clarity of her thoughts as well. She has some very unusual health conditions. She was talking to me about the way her body felt, her thoughts, her interactions with others and the changes that occurred. I was amazed at her ability to express her emotions in a way that I understood, but also in a way in which she did not feel violated. That is an amazing skill that I am yet to master, because most of the time, I don't have my emotions sorted out enough in my head. She also had a surprising level of manners. I actually felt quite rude because I was checking my phone quite frequently because I was running late.

And then there's Sum. Sum, the other sixteen year old (and the most important one) in my life, graduated yesterday. I saw her grow up from an annoying six year old smartass who knew way too much for her own good (not really, she just knew more than me, which annoyed me. :P), to a beautiful young woman. As she described it, she is indeed my 'sister in all but blood' and one of my closest friends. Its nice to know what she's thinking, and its nice to let her know what I'm thinking. I shall not talk too much about you in this space since I know you're reading it, Sum. :P

One of my closest friends went through a major transformation recently. In fact, when transformations are of this scale, everything seems surreal. I feel closer to her more than ever, and I hope she does too.

In fact, when I think about it, my life is so perfect right now. Yes, there are a thousand things that I have to do, but the process of it isn't so bad. Because I am happy. :)