Wednesday, October 31, 2012

New Song

I was looking through my songs and poems, and I realised, the last bit of rhyme I wrote was in May. The time before that was October. In 2010, I wrote twenty three songs/poems. I admit, they are bad poetry to some. But I have always liked it. I think I decrease certain habits when I realise that someone I care about disapproves of an aspect of it. For example, I remember stopping by 365 photos last year when someone made a comment about how mundane they are. However, poetry, tunes, photography - they are all art. And no matter how bad they are, they somehow speak out what is in the heart. So I shan't stop creating bad art! :)

This is a draft I just typed up about the newest love of my life. Guess who? Hint: It's been about 5 months.

Verse 1:

So this morning, I realised,
I haven't written in a while.
Fell out of love, and stayed out here
I tried to think of lovely words
Fairyfloss and evening birds
Looked in my heart and found you, dear.

CHORUS:

Your smile, your dimples,
Your twinkling eyes
Illegible sounds you make
They sure suffice
They let me know you love me
And dear, I love you too
I tell you nearly everyday
Hope you know its true.

Verse 2:

You're the newest person I love
And I pray to God, up above
He keeps you safe, sound and bright
So when you sleep and have bad dreams
Or your mother denies you chocolate ice-cream
You know you can always come and hug me tight.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Future

Two months ago, I decided that the root of all my problems is going to bed late. After that, I think I attempted to sleep earlier. Sum developed an amazing cycle of sleeping 10 PM to 4 AM, more or less. That ensures that she can get most of her work done in a quite environment (everyone's asleep), without distractions (no one's online), with a fresh mind after sleep and during the time of baraqah. My mum has this sleep cycle too, and she is one of the most balanced people I have seen in my entire life. And of course, in general, we always hear that successful people wake up early, rather than stay up late. So, for a while, I did attempt to follow their examples. Sum and I texted each other before going to sleep and called each other to wake ourselves up. Not exactly sure what happened along the way, except, knowing myself, I think I came up with some lame excuse one day to stay up late, and thwarted my entire cycle.

So, the problem that must be addressed is not the fact that I do not sleep on time. It is the fact that I have very little self discipline. (Although, this is one of those chickens-and-eggs things). So, after repeated attempt and trying and failing to discipline myself, and seeing the negative results sprout up in every aspect of my life, I decided to do some research. A lot of the times, I have done things intuitively and later figured they were the right decisions to make. However, with this sort of a trial-and-error method, its very easy to lose track of what works and what doesn't. So sometimes, it helps to learn from other people's experiences and knowledge.

One thing that I have done right is this - thinking about why I should do something rather than how - ie: abstract thinking vs concrete thinking. Although personally, I remember getting results when I think concretely, rather than abstractly, so, I tend to force myself to do so. However, this is probably because concrete thinking gets you forward a few steps, and you only remember those first few steps. Abstract thinking may take time to take you forward, but, it makes you last longer in your decision. I think this is what I used when I decided to change my career path two years ago.

I also found another blog that gave five steps towards self-discipline. This was written by a guy who transformed his life quite majorly in fourteen years. He was one of those (read - us) bums who sat around all day without doing anything, highlight of whose living was hanging out with friends. He had no jobs, did not study, did not clean, did not eat healthy. Basically, if predicted his lifespan from his twenty year old self, he was probably supposed to die in five years. Fourteen years later - he is now a husband and father of two children. He gets up at five every morning, exercises six days a week, eats healthy, has a company on the side and is currently writing a book to be published soon. This gave me hope!

The five 'pillars' were pretty broad and intuitive - acceptance, will-power, hard work, industry and persistence. Its the details of each that were interesting, though. Basically, he said you should start from the level in which you currently are. You cannot expect to start getting up at 5 AM every morning, if your day usually begins at 10 AM. In which case, you should aim for 9.45, maybe. He also talked about targeting one specific field, instead of every field in your life that's falling apart. 'Make overs' do not work. This is where I usually go wrong. I try to jump too many steps, then gain a huge cognitive dissonance and fall further than where I began. He also said that will-power is not something that is meant to get your through your life. It is a short burst of energy that you are supposed to use in planning and setting the scene. If the scene is set, you can continue in your endeavour even after your burst of energy mellows down. Hard work, industry, persistence - working hard, smart and consistently (ie: the hardest part!).

On a (sort of) completely different note - B&B came over two nights ago. They seem much happier and much more at ease with each other. They made me realise that in a relationship, this is what I would want - for things to work out better in the long term rather than the short. It is natural for us to think that if we 'hit it off' with someone at the first go, that we would be compatible in a relationship. Of course, it depends on what sort of a relationship you want to be in. If you are looking for short term, without too many commitments, then going forward from 'hitting it off' would be the right choice. But, if you are looking to get into a long term relationship, its important to know what is important to both of you. We have a tendency to judge others based on our own criteria. If theirs do not match ours, we tend to think there is something wrong with their concept. But, its important to realise that a relationship is very personal, and would vary from couple to couple. What should be is not always what is, and that is fine, because you can always work towards what should be with what is.

Another thing I realised, again, is how important my family is to me. I love the fact that all eight of us can sit around the breakfast table and laugh for hours about some lame joke my dad cracked. I love how we can all go googly-eyed when we talk with little Z. I love how every one of us put in our little bit of contribution in cooking, cleaning and other mundane chores. I love that each of us have a different personality, and we have began to accept and cherish our differences. I love feeling 'at home' when I'm at home. There are many things I would like to change about myself. There are many different ways I would like to move forward. But, I realised, I would rather do them while keeping my family happy. And there are wisdom and blessings in doing so.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Its hard to get by just upon a smile

The first time I heard Yusuf Islam's songs were from a CD called 'A is for Allah'. I remember a particular song from there - God is the Light. (I only remembered bits and pieces, something about birds, something about buildings, something about men. I spent the past five minutes googling every possible combination to figure out what the actual title was.) This was one of the first songs we listened to when we came to Australia, and my sister and I sang a duet of this in a local halaqah of girls. I was ten and didn't care that I couldn't sing. :P Anyway, I just thought the song sounded nice. It wasn't until much later that I read the lyrics properly and understood them. The lyrics are great, but I like the idea behind them. The fact that we miss little things around us and forget about signs that should lead us to gratitude. Only when we stop for a moment, can we truly feel the specialness.

The next song I remember is 'I Look, I See'. This is also another one of those nasheeds for kids that I loved the sound of. We started listening to them again in the car when little Z rides with us. When A put it on the other day, I listened to the lyrics carefully, and loved it! He differentiates between 'seeing', and merely 'looking'; 'feeling' and merely 'touching' and so on. Its as if, everything you do, must have a deeper connection within yourself, and must have a purpose. Teaching to live life like this to children is amazing. You are teaching them from early on that you are not living to merely fill your senses with meaningless and purposeless activities that last only in the short term.

Then, a year or two later, A bought a CD called something like 'The best of Cat Stevens'. I remember being obsessed with 'Moonshadow', then 'Wild World' for a while. I actually still love those songs. Especially, 'Wild World'. I can relate to that completely every now and then. When I was in year seven, I remember coming home and crying to my mum about something that happened at school. My mum told me something about me trusting people too much, and having an overly positive outlook on life. She still tells me that, every now and then. Over time, I realised she's right. You can never rely completely on another person. But the problem is, this realisation hits me in the head, then leaves me when things become rosy again.

One thing I'm beginning to understand, is that life isn't easy, for anyone. We might look at someone and think they have things so much easier than us, or so much better. But we can never completely understand what is going on in someone else's life, no matter how much we try. Quick fixes are easy way outs, yes, but they last a very short time. Sometimes, we try to convince ourselves that something isn't a quick fix. We rationalise it in our mind and convince ourselves that there is nothing wrong with what we are doing. And there may not be any apparent wrong in it. However, quick fixes are always wrong, because of just their mere nature of being short lived.

It gets frustrating when you cannot get yourself out of a cycle. Certain things literally become addictions. And every time life throws you a lemon, instead of dealing with it as brutally as you can and making a lemonade out of it, you decide to chuck it in the corner and try your hardest to forget that it exists. But eventually, that lemon will rot, then you try harder to make yourself believe that the stench isn't there. I guess what I'm trying to say is - we run away from problems for so long that we think we can keep running forever. But one day, you will wake up as a forty year old, and realise you still haven't dealt with the problems you encountered at twenty. So, essentially, you haven't grown.

So, in order to not do that, what you do is this: identify your problems, come up with a plan to solve them, get some help and get on with it. The problem is, for some 'getting on with it' is the problem. Giving something up and sticking to it, or starting something and sticking to it, (basically, sticking to things) become the problem. And when things aren't stuck to, the cognitive dissonance that comes with it, also, then, becomes the problem.

Hmmmmm.
My parents are getting cuter with age. They are relying on each other more and more, they appreciate each other; they fight, but they know that they can't live without the other person. Lately, I have been talking to them more than I have in the past. When MR apu first proposed the idea that I discuss my future plans with them, I felt my eyebrows rise further than I thought they could. I had this notion that they are too busy and too dismissive. The irony is, I am often too busy for them, and just that notion I had tells me that I was too dismissive of them myself. So, I am talking to them a little more now. 

Friday, October 19, 2012

Surprises

I just realised how much I love surprises, again. Just the other day, a friend was talking about how my eyes lit up when he bought me coffee, a gesture that isn't too special, but I remember feeling very special. I remember getting a huge box of chocolate from SB and feeling a similar way. And I felt similar when my mum surprised me with the 7th book of Harry Potter, back in the year it came out, fresh out of her suitcase back from her visit to England. On my 12th birthday, my sister left my gifts underneath and on top of my pillow. I remember feeling very pleased to discover every bit of it - a lip gloss, a pack of gel pens, a little purple note book, a deodorant and a card. At twelve, that seemed like the best gift, ever. And when she came back from Canada with a little box of coffee. And the most recent one - a simple sentence of appreciation. No matter how ordinary something is, as long as it is unexpected, it can reduce me to tears. 

Saturday, October 06, 2012

Fine line

You are wasting your time in unhappiness. Just be happy, find peace within yourself. There's a difference between being happy and getting everything you want. There is also a difference between feeling peace inside you in happiness, and feeling angry due to injustice to others. Peace comes when you let go of the injustices you feel against your own self in order to attain something greater. So, you don't need to get everything you want. You don't need to let go of fighting against injustice in the world. You just need to find that fine line called balance.

I got an email from one of my favourite girls. And this an excerpt:

"and i felt like sharing it with u =) www.youtube.com/watch?v=547B7XbTicI

but y'know how he says the people make u drown and u gotta help the other people up to survive yourself. loll now we gotta keep swimming :P"
I wanted to remember that. :)

Thursday, October 04, 2012

High-ness factors

I feel awesome right now. I think I am on the height of my high-nesses. So, I felt like I should write down the reasons:

- I had a large mocha from my favourite coffee cart. For free. It was delicious.
- I have been eating healthy, and I feel like I am getting results.
- I just found a whole lot of useful resources for my essay. And I am understanding them. :D
- Regina Spektor's lyrics are very relateable, her voice and music isn't intrusive, works as perfect background sound.
- The people in my life are all reasonable happy with me.

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Introspection

Things have improved greatly since my last post. Although I'm still quite sick, I have had a good amount of sleep, have eaten reasonably healthily and have been drinking a lot of water. So, physically, I feel much, much better. My emotions have also been sorted out. So, right now, I am a happy chappy little girl again. Alhamdulillah. :D

I did a MBTI questionnaire last night. In layman's term - this basically classifies you as one of sixteen types of personalities. Each type has specific traits. Although this test is a very basic one, (and there are several paid tests that you can do) it gave me some useful insights. Interestingly, I got the same result as I got 4 months ago. And as this blog testifies to a certain degree, my life has changed quite a bit over these 4 months. So, I expected to get something different, but I didn't. I also searched up my email to see whether I got different results in the past years.

In 2010, March and July - I got ENFP. This year, June, I was ISFP. Last night, I got ISFP again. Right now, I did another one and got ESFP. I know my introversion and extroversion is at a pretty similar level most of the time, so I'm not surprised at the change in E and I. And as I was discussing with a friend last night, knowing myself, swinging between N and S seems to be quite possible too. I have never really thought about it too much before. But last night, I realised, having different personality traits from the people around you cause a whole lot of clashes. Knowing your own self and knowing the traits of others can help in dealing with people. What seems frustrating at one stage becomes easier to handle, or at least, think about, when you know why something is happening. Your relationships would also become easier to handle when you learn to accept the traits of people you love. Instead of trying to change them, you would find it easier to conceptualise the idea of learning from them. Since you would know that certain things tick them off, it would be easier for you to tell yourself to learn to avoid doing those. So, friends and family who get on your nerves, but whom you love, would become much easier to deal with if you 'know' them well enough.



I found this photo yesterday on Facebook. It seemed to have articulated my thoughts on relationships quite well. My theory is: God brings you the right person at the right time. So, if the right person comes at the wrong time, things may not work out easily. Also, if the wrong person comes at the right time, things may not work out easily either. Sometimes, we get so caught up by the ways that society defines us, that we lose perspective of who we really are. So, a bengali girl who nears the age of thirty would be much more willing to 'settle' for a guy who she may not have considered before, because society is telling her the right time is passing her by. Also, two sixteen year olds, who perfectly complement each other, might be brushed off from getting into a long term relationship, by adults, because society is telling them they can't be in one.

I see relationships as being on a different timeline to professional commitments. I find the idea of 'waiting to graduate to get married' quite ridiculous. I also find the idea of choosing between being married and having a career quite ridiculous too. We are multidimensional creatures - we can handle more than one thing on our plates! We just need to find the right combination. So, you can't run away from one to the other. Ideally, each part of your life should complement the other parts. Hence, I don't like the idea of thinking of oneself as 'incomplete' until the right person comes at the right time. You are potentially as complete as you can possibly get at this particular moment. Everything in life can be a blessing and test. Thus, a relationship not necessarily would complete the 'you' that you are at this point (if you're not in one). However, at the right time, it will.

On another note - I am loving Regina Spektor. Her lyrics are very accurate in upholding an image of an idea.

This is how it works:
You're young until you're not;
You love until you don't;
You try until you can't.
You laugh until you cry,
You cry until you laugh.
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath.

This is how it works:
You peer inside yourself,
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you don't.
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some-
Someone else's heart,
Pumping someone else's blood.
And walking arm in arm,
You hope it don't get harmed.
But even if it does,
You'll just do it all again.

Monday, October 01, 2012

Eet

My body is in one of those haywire moments. I am stuffed with caffeine, milk and a few spoons of honey, along with a whole lot of junk food from yesterday. I have a headache, a runny nose, sore throat, stomach ache and some muscle pains. Lack of sleep for the past hours, plus the next few hours will probably lead to a complete collapse sometime soon. I have also gone through several epiphanies and a mixture of emotions for the past five days, leading to further haywiring of myself. So, if I were you, I'd stay away from me for a while. People like me can end up with a permanent head damage long before PhD is even dreamed of.

I wish quick fixes lasted longer.