Feeling positive - 3

Just because you can't see the road ahead doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Maybe you're blinded by sunlight streaming through your window, or maybe its the darkness getting darker. Maybe someone else is blocking your view with her hand. But just because you can't see, doesn't mean its not there. 

Boys

I was always one of those girls that loved dreaming about what life would be like when my prince comes and sweeps me off my feet. I knew exactly what I liked, but also had a crush on every boy I stumbled upon. I didn't grow up with a lot of boys around me, due to my parents strict parenting, but that didn't stop me from liking that kid my mum used to teach in her kindergarten class, or that new kid in school, or that boy who thought girls had cooties. They ranged from cute to hot, and were always out of my reach. My low self esteem and love for pop music left me wanting something special, which then perpetuated my love for pop music and my low self esteem.

And then, when I got the chance, I made a few mistakes. Mistakes that wouldn't be considered as anything wrong by any average teen, but due to my restrictions, I didn't get the same opportunities as regular teens did. Either way, I broke the boundaries that were set on me, as much as I could. Looking back at them, I know that I made mistakes as a form of experiments - I was curious to know what it would be like to set my foot across the line. This is one of the reasons why I'm really grateful that I have been born in my family, and not one that simply didn't care, because I can see the seventeen-year-old-me try drugs, given the chance. Due to my family, I had some sort of fear of consequences and never physically touched anyone of the opposite gender by intention. Which is quite unthinkably hard if you're not a Muslim, but its a given if you're a practising Muslim. My family was practising, but my mind often wasn't. So, I found it hard to compromise between the two. Thankfully, my mother had a horrible way of unintentionally blackmailing me by being so emotional - she always makes me feel like she'll have a heart attack at any moment. I think she was the main reason why I never did anything too stupid and ruined my life.

When I got to university, suddenly, I was thrown into this world with boys. I went to a girls school for ten of my thirteen years of schooling, so, even sitting next to a boy in biology was daunting at first. I have heard way too many stories about MSA marriages, which made me shun out the guys from our Islamic Society. But I thought of non-Muslim boys as 'non-potentials' - and I remember a friend suggesting that I have more guy friends to make me feel comfortable around them - so, by the end of second year, I had a few guy friends that I could so easily share jokes, lunch, advices and secrets with. I remember getting a disappointed shake of the head once, from a guy I recognised from our MSA. I felt a little guilty about laughing so loudly with the friend that I was with, but my mind immediately turned it around and blamed him for passing off unsolicited judgement from ten feet away. (My parents must've recognised my swooning attitude, because I remember, quite early on in my university life, they told me not to even think about marriage before I finished it. Being the stubborn idiot I was, I also made a mental note to keep studying as long as I can, so that they regret saying that. I actually am studying for much longer than I intended. But this is independent of that mental note!)

Around that time, I had also started to work on a project with a Muslim guy I knew. My female Muslim friends teased the living daylight out of me, to the point where I began to hyperventilate before every meeting.  The worst part was, I have asked all of those girls to help me in the project, which meant that at least one of them was present in one meeting or another. To this day, I can't work on that project without having flashbacks of the cringe-worthy immaturity. I later realised why they did that - two out of three of them were considering marriage as a serious option at that time, and one of them is married with a child now. Their life focus was entirely different to what my focus at that time should have been.

In third year, I got entangled in some of my friends' guy problems, and became good friends with some of their fiances. That's when I realised that I make a very good third wheel and I got along with guys better than girls. But then, being a third wheel got too hard and relating to guys better than girls became problematic in many ways. Around this time, I have lost a lot of things I used to romanticise before. Marriage no longer seemed like a solution, it seemed to be part of a solution which created a whole lot of new problems. I also realised that my prince charming would be no prince, he will be someone like one of these ordinary boys with ordinary flaws. Being a third wheel also taught me how cringe-worthy couples can be, which made me lose the rest of my appreciation for idealistic romance.

This year, things have changed yet again. I hardly talk to or see any of the guys from the past few years. I have realised that I am not really sure which direction I want my life to head and that I can't exactly wait for someone to come and show me the way. I have to figure it out myself. I have to figure out what line of career I will go down in, what aspects of Islam I will learn about and how to spend my days in the most productive way. No one else will live my life for me, so I might as well make the most of it.

Running away

"Sometimes he stood back back at a distance and watched her the way you'd stare at a butterfly that you'd only known as a caterpillar, wondering how the hell change could be that dramatic."

From 'Nineteen Minutes'

Feeling positive - 2

I think some people generally think 'truth' and 'comfort' are mutually exclusive. You cannot live in comfort if you want to live by truth, and you must not be living by truth if you find some comfort in it. The people on the other end of the spectrum seems to think that truth is variable, what you believe to be true is the truth and so there can be multiple truths. The problem with this latter line of thinking is that it caters for conflicting ideas to co-exist, which doesn't really make sense. Some things are just hard and fast facts and whether one person believes them or not, they are true - e.g.: no matter how much one may want to deny death, they will experience it. Death for all living beings is an universal truth.

Although, that latter line of thinking does have an element of truth (:P) in it. We consider what we perceive to be true as well, although, our perception might be different to someone else's. For example, That cup of coffee I had this morning tasted divine to me, but I'm pretty sure my mum wouldn't share the same feelings towards it. Even though we are both experiencing the same physical thing, we interpret it differently, and that doesn't mean that one of us is wrong. But I suppose this wouldn't come under 'universal truths'.

However, some people tend to think that universal truths are never comfortable. Which is the source of the thought that religion was invented for comfort, I suppose. Although, I think that has an element of truth in it, its not entirely right. We need comfort to survive. If there is a guideline to live, it must provide some sort of comfort right? Otherwise, how is it a 'guideline' for living if we can't sustain it?

But the problem occurs when this idea of comfort is taken too far. When the original guideline has bits and pieces cut out from it because certain human beings and certain times perceive it to be unsustainable. This is problematic because this goes against the whole purpose of a religion - that there is a Higher Power which knows what is best for His creations.

So, before a person has complete faith in a system, they must logically 'believe' in it. If it doesn't logically make sense, there is no point in blindly following. But, if it logically makes sense, then its not really 'blindly following', its trusting a system that knows better than you. E.g.: When people 'trust' science, this is what they're doing. When you 'trust' Allah, this is what you're doing too.

Islam says that I need to be aware of the truth, I need to fight for justice, I need to struggle to implement the right things in my life. But Islam also says that Allah is Al-Kareem - the Being that gives even more than I deserve; that He is Al-Wadood - the Being that loves me the most; that He is Ar-Rahman - the Being with mercy that has no limits. Islam says that I need to try my best in this world, yes, but it also says that my reward is some place that will eternally be interesting in the best possible way.

So, because I have based my faith in Allah in logic, that line of thinking is perfectly logical to me. I don't believe that 'truth' and 'comfort' are mutually exclusive.

Feeling positive -1

A friend of mine used to say that him and his best friend would frequently wonder how most people in the world are stupid. They marveled at those who thought about the world, its people and their destructiveness, made fun of people who weren't as thoughtful, or expressive about their deep thoughts; basically - anyone who weren't at their level of intellectualism would be a victim of being labelled as 'stupid'. It makes sense. I roll my eyes at those who are obsessed with make-up, non-existent rolls of fat, being rich just for the sake of being rich, aren't able to eat food that's been in the fridge for a day or two so they throw it out without flinching- and many, many more types of people. The list seems to keep getting longer and longer. The problem with spending a lot of time hating is that you lose time that you could have used to love. I don't think I can ever fully respect people in the above list, but if I keep thinking about them, all the time, I will forget about the people I do respect and love. 

Train thoughts

When you feel extremely angry and all you want to do is throw your limbs around and break as many things as you can, then somebody really strong hugs you tight, holds you to their chest, wraps their arms around you so that you can no longer move - even though you still feel angry, you know that you are safe from harm, you know that you are protected and loved, and even though on the surface you may feel frustration at your temporary inability to move, deep inside, you secretly know that you are better off, .

This is how I feel about Allah every now and then. He is that best friend that loves and cares for me more than anyone else does, and He knows what is best for me. When I rebel against Him, I feel like a little kid rebelling against things that are futile, like, waking up from an afternoon nap and being angry because its not morning. He knows exactly every detail of myself, and the best way to live is to admit that I have no power except the power that He gives me. So, I don't really have to confine myself to how others define me. And I can't really be arrogant about all the things I can do, because that will be like that delusional child. I can dream about the future, live for today and pray like there's no tomorrow.

When friends get old and moons get blue

NC and I met up for coffee, after probably a year or so. The last time we 'properly' met up was before her sister got married, before I lost some friends who I thought understood me very well, before I gained and lost direction of where the world is going, before things that gave me hope stopped giving me hope. I was quite excited about life I suppose. Which is why I was a bit nervous about meeting up with her again, after so much has changed. But it was great - it was as if I was really listening to what she has to say, for the first time.

She asked me what I think it means to be an adult. She said she knows someone who said it means to be able to survive in any situation. She said she thinks it means to be take responsibility for your own actions. I tried to think of a better definition, but I couldn't. Although, realistically, it's hard to define what 'your own actions' are. It's hard to realise what you are responsible for and what not. Or maybe it's just hard for me because I haven't become enough of an adult yet.

I finished reading 'The Fault in our Stars' in less than 48 hours, including all the things that I needed to do in those hours - eat, sleep, pray, earn money, go to uni, catch up with friends. What makes this book amazing is what makes any other piece of literary work amazing to me - the ability of the author to see something from a perspective I haven't been able to see it from before. The ability to surprise, the ability to string together ordinary words in an extraordinary way.

I think I get bored pretty easily. But then, little things amaze me. I never know how to answer questions related to this in psychological questionnaires. I think I'd get bored of myself if I knew myself as someone else. I suppose I get bored of people who are too introspective and don't really care about the rest of the world. But I also don't like it when people try to drill it in themselves that they have to care about the rest of the world, even though they are selfish at heart, in which case they care about the world out of their own selfishness. But this made me realise again that we are all selfish, and the best thing to be selfish about is Jannah. But sometimes I get so far from striving for Jannah that I lose my direction and become selfish for the wrong cause.

I caught up with another friend yesterday, and I was talking about how it seems to me that the root of problems in our current world seems to be at the political level, so we should probably work to solve the problem from that level. The question is how that should be done. The friend said that it will be better if we try to solve the problem scientifically, so, for example, instead of putting money into fighting wars for oil, it would be better if people put money into research on an alternative source of energy. And then we talked about how charities that only satisfy the basic needs of people is a way to make the donors feel good, rather than being much useful. Which is true to a great extent, but then, we can't exactly ignore these very short term needs either.

Another thing that was said was: instead of constantly feeling gloomy about a terrible situation that is taking place on the opposite side of the world, I'd rather focus on what I can do to solve the problem. Here's another thing that's wrong with some of the people I'm around most of the time - they feel sad, depressed, hopeless and bitter about the world. But what do they do about it? They make people aware, yes, but what else? How are they themselves moving forward? I don't know. But, I'd rather not turn into a sad, depressed, hopeless and bitter person who has nothing to offer to the world except slashing words.

I suppose I need to return to my mantra: balance.

I was blind and heartbroken and didn't want to do anything and Gus burst into my room and shouted, 'I have wonderful news!' And I was like, 'I don't really want to hear wonderful news right now,' and Gus said, 'This is wonderful news you want to hear,' and I asked him, 'Fine, what is it?' and he said, 'You are going to live a good and long life filled with great and terrible moments you cannot even imagine yet!'

Also, John Green makes me want to start reading poetry again.

There's a certain slant of light,
On winter afternoons,
That oppresses, like the weight
Of cathedral tunes.

Heavenly hurt it gives us;
We can find no scar,
But internal difference
Where the meanings are.

None may teach it anything,
'Tis the seal, despair,-
An imperial affliction
Sent us of the air.

When it comes, the landscape listens,
Shadows hold their breath;
When it goes, 't is like the distance
On the look of death.

PS: Tonight is a blue moon moonlit night.

sometimes

my mind wonders to a place I never knew existed
it walks around in lightless darkness until its feet are blistered
puzzle pieces are scattered all around the concrete floor
they make no sense, don't fit together, but, appear more and more
it cannot fathom where the walls are, what direction it will face
it stumbles on some unformed thoughts, then, my mind begins to race

Ingrid Michaelson

What if we stop having a ball?
What if the pain chips off the wall?
What if there's always cups in the sink?
What if I'm not what you think?

What if I fall further than you?
What if you dream of somebody new?
What if I never let you in, and chase you with a rolling pin?
Well, what if I do?

2nd of Shawwal

Things have changed quite a bit. I don't like dressing up in pretty clothes as much as I used to before. If I could have it my way, I would wake up with a t-shirt and trackies, find a cup of perfectly made coffee on my bed-side table, sip on it and read.

I think the reason why I don't like dressing up as much as before is that I realised I will never be entirely satisfied with the way I look if I make it a goal to 'look good'. I can look 'good enough' in about ten minutes, but being entirely happy with every aspect of my appearance is quite impossible. Its also a huge waste of time because its impossible to reach that particular goal, so you'd be miserable by the end of it anyway. I don't know whether any girl is ever completely happy with the way they look once they start obsessing over it. Best solution is to not obsess over something that is not worth obsessing over.

I have a horrible habit of not replying to messages, to the point where people might start thinking I am really rude. I tried to get rid of it last Ramadan, but my mind obviously didn't think it was a goal worth achieving. -.-

I should stop procrastinating and go do something useful.