life.

I have been reading a book called 'The Other Half of Happiness' on my Kindle. This book is a break for me, from the people around me, from my own swinging mood, from the loneliness that comes with M being with someone else but also the lack of concentration from my work that comes with M being in the room. I have an assignment due today and I can't finish it on time. Doing things now is so, so different than before. In my parents' house, I could've easily glided downstairs and got some food while I do my work. I was left alone for longer. My parents understood the importance of giving me the time to do my work. But then, I was also younger and they needed me less. Its definitely different now when I go over there. In this house, there's more kids (temporarily) and the adults seem to have no work that they bring home. My parents always had work to bring home because they're both teachers. If not work studies, they would have islamic studies to do. But there had definitely been a part of the day, every single day, dedicated to studying. This is not the case here. So I feel a bit uncomfortable. Is that why I feel uncomfortable though? I don't know. Sometimes I can't wait till M grows up so that I can teach her about all the wonderful things about life but sometimes I dread that time because life is a test. Sometimes I can't wait to go back to work, to help little minds learn, and at other times, I am so glad I don't have to deal with little monsters every single day any more. I wish I had a fridge or a cupboard in my room, filled with food. I am hungry, but not sure if I am hungry through my mind or my body. I don't think I am making sense any more. This assignment is massive. I don't think I can finish today, but I still need to work, and I hate the way people younger than me feel the need to tell me to do my work. I had a kid, I am doing my masters and nothing else in my life has stopped. I feel like sometimes these thoughts come from adults implanting stuff like that in kids. I also feel like my thoughts go in spirals and I am goin' a li'l crazy. Is it due to M or due to this subject? Or due to that thing I always complain about to B? Can't wait to go away in two weeks but I also feel a little guilty for going away so much. I need my space but also feel guilty about taking up so much space. I miss writing poetry. Was I ever any good? Not sure. It was a good release though. 

Motherhood

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Time

I just realised my last several posts are about my assignments. I do often feel slightly delusional because of them. I have one due today and I am trying to finish as fast as possible so that I can get to my thousand other chores but my mind went blank and now I am here. Some people around me constantly remind me how other people seem to balance more things on their plate and they glide through life without stressing. This makes me feel inadequate. I need to learn to just focus on my life and not worry about other people's perception of it. The problem is, my life sometimes needs to be based on other people's perception because those are the people I am trying to keep happy. That sounds ridiculous now that I typed it out. Why do I need to keep them happy?

I need to renew my intentions. Shaytan gets in the way and reminds me of the things I do wrong on a daily basis, reminding me that I miss out on the most basic worships, so what good would renewing intentions do. That also sounds ridiculous after typing it out! Allah is Al-Afu', Al-Mujib, Al-Wadood. Allah is Al-Lateef.

I feel panicked at the thought of the list of things I need to do. Miffy told me once that my perception of my abilities should not stop me from doing anything, because Allah is the One that enables, and His abilities are infinite. Time can be a flexible concept, filled with or lacking of barakah.