Tell me if you hear me falling

This Eid was both fun and frustrating.

It was fun because I wore sari every single day and dressed up to my heart's content. I also got the satisfaction of watching people eat my sticky date pudding. And the general vibe of Eid was always present - the feeling of excitement, happiness, love and perfection. We went out as a family every single time, as we always do. Bhayiun even took us through the IMO carwash, since we've never been through it as a family, and allowed us to enjoy the artificial heavy rain! We went to people's places and hung for quite a while, instead of the usual five minutes of Eid visits.

The frustration arose from the fact that we left the house at awkward times - every single time! We kept missing people who wanted to come over for a visit and kept on knocking on doors of people who weren't home. As a result, a lot of our time was spent driving around in the streets. It was a waste of driving around, since I didn't get to drive. And I was wearing a sari the whole time, and I hate moving around in saris! I just like sitting and taking photos, or maybe gracefully gliding from one end of the house to another.

I was listening to New Moon's soundtrack - Possibility by Lykke Li. Did they form the band just to sing that song? Anyway, its a nice song, the lyrics is not extremely well written, but the overall song carries a melancholy tone. I like this part:

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,
You’re the only who knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There’s a possibility
I wouldn’t know.

It makes me nostalgic. I don't know why.

My ears are hurting from three days of earrings. I think its mainly from the huge ones I was wearing on the first day. I don't know if I can ever wear those again. Such a waste of money and beauty!

I hate feeling like I am not good enough for something or someone. And there's always certain people who make me feel that way, of course, they don't realise it! I guess that's why I like perfection when it is not my rival. This is definitely not a good sign, because it means I don't have a great attitude towards learning. When people welcome differences and competition, they open themselves up to challenges. I hate doing it, therefore I don't. I should really change my attitude, ASAP!

On a brighter note, the stars are twinkling tonight. They really do look like fireflies, stuck in one place. Apuni was looking at the stars with me, and she said, some stars are there one moment, and the next moment they aren't.

The best part of painting nails is that you get to scrape them off whenever and wherever you want.

p.s.: The sky is unusually clear tonight!

Not really worth a read

Its 5:19. Not much happened in the last twenty four hours.

I woke up at six o' clock today and painted the nails on my left hand red. I finally figured that two coats of nail polish is what you are supposed to put. Then I read a bit more of Wives and Daughters by Elizabeth Gaskell and fell asleep on the way.

Apuni pointed out that I have a talent for following instructions. Hence, I can bake. In fact, I thought its probably the only thing I can do. Of course, as always, my thoughts were proved wrong. As I was pouring the topping on the sticky date puddings and contemplating on why it took so long to boil and why its not looking right, I realised I forgot to add butter to it. So now its more like a watery substance than a topping. And its for Eid. And there's four of them. x(

I also stuffed up my mango trifle by getting too excited with the allspice. I probably sprinkled half the jar in it. All that time and effort spent behind stirring the custard has probably gone down the drain. x(

Then there is the fact that I am trying to be nice to more people. Its harder than it looks, because often, when one feels like breaking another's neck, its hard to keep smiling and nodding.

Its Eid tomorrow. Sadly, a lot of people don't seem to be in the mood for it. My mum was telling us that a little boy in her class didn't even know what or when it is even though he is a Muslim and attends an Islamic School! I am so glad that our parents have always kept it exciting for us.

In fact, I'm glad that I was born into a family like mine - for everything. I really, really am. For reasons that I keep mentioning over and over again and for reasons that cannot be mentioned publicly.

I think I had loads to say but I can't really find my words.

And I'm really, really sleepy.

Flutterbying Days

Flutterby
Originally uploaded by Mirar_Mirror

I have finally learnt how to bake sticky date pudding. Well, technically, I still have about forty minutes to decide if I really learnt it or not, but I'm still allowed to be excited! If everything goes well, inshaAllah, you can come over during Eid to taste the heavenly pudding. According to the recipe, this one makes enough for eight people. And we have enough dates for four of these recipes - so the first thirty two would be the lucky (or unlucky, depending on my luck today) ones!

By the way, just for the record, EMU, if you ever come across this, this is for you. I forgot to record your memorable dream in my last update, even though you dreamt before that. I shan't describe it here, since the thought is a little bit ugh. But its still worth a lot of LOLs. So here you go, this is for you: LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL...... LOL LOL LOL.

And the sky is beautiful again! No more November rains to blow out our candles.

I have been thinking about Dawud Wharnsby, Kimya Dawson and Anjan Datta for a while, since they have an uncanny similarity in stating the truth. The difference between the first and the others is that Dawud is restrained by the use of logic and reasoning in his expression of feelings, whereas, Kimya and Anjan are not. Personally, this places him higher in my list of respectable human beings than the other two. He knows that emotions do not rule the world, nor should they. If everyone stated what they felt like whenever they felt like it, sustainable living would not exist. Anyway, words really do not mean much until they are translated into actions, so, I am not against KD and AD (as it may seem from the last few sentences). But I do hate it when people let their emotions rule themselves completely in the real world.

Of course, sometimes, it cannot be helped. But there must be a balance between reason and emotions. (And yes, I sometimes behave like I am yet to gain this knowledge. :[)

My sticky date pudding is nearly done and it smells like it should be. So that's a good sign. But I do have a habit of ruining things at the last moment, so nothing can be said for sure yet.

An exciting update: I am wearing a blue sari for Eid! Its not new and its not mine, but its beautiful. I do have a new outfit, which was reserved for this Eid before last Eid, but I remember not liking it very much. And why would I pass a chance to wear sari?

Aniqa, do I sound more curry than the last time you talked to me?

I’ve been living with a shadow overhead

Its another cloudy day in this side of the world. Which is a relief, because the heat from the past few days probably has been enough to jack up global warming by a mile. I had a shower at 6 pm last night, when it was nearly dark outside, when everything is supposed to cool down, yet, two seconds later, I started wishing I never got out of the shower. I dug up the thinnest, most comfortable, yet not-so-vulgar piece of clothing I could find and put it on. Then sat in front of the air conditioner and ate my feelings (towards heat) away.

So naturally, I found it hard to wake up today, as you do on all cloudy mornings. Also because I knew I had to vacuum the whole house properly so that my sister can mop. Why would anyone do that on a Monday morning? No I'm not just bored because there's no HSC to entertain me any more. Eid is in four days, and our dear mother, as organised as she is, wants the house cleaned four days early. Personally, I prefer cleaning the night before for anything because the house stays clean the next day. Anyway, half way through vacuuming, the vacuum cleaner stopped working. And then we discovered that the mop bucket was broken. Fixing those problems took about two whole hours away from our precious lives. Then I vacuumed, and felt a great sense of satisfaction upon finishing the arduous task.

Right now, I'm talking to Marisa. And I just found out she cut her own bangs, which is depressing, because it looks good. I also cut my own bangs, but, I look horrible when they stay as they are supposed to stay. My sister thinks it was an act of a thirteen year old, since it was a result of anger. Oh well. I really would not have minded having a bad hair month, except for the fact that Eid is in four days and it would be one of the only times when my hair is viewable by more than four people. But I figured I can comb it in a certain way to make it look like a short side fringe. It still looks bad.

I finally watched the end of Music and Lyrics! The first time I started watching it was at the end of year 10, when I couldn't really hear a word because everyone else was too excited about everything else. And every time I wanted watch it after that, I always had to stop about half way through - for one reason or another! Anyway, I'm in love with Way Back into Love right now.

I’ve been living with a shadow overhead
I’ve been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I’ve been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can’t seem to move on

I’ve been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I’ve been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I’ve been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I’ve been searching but I just don’t see the signs
I know that it’s out there
There’s got to be something for my soul somewhere

I’ve been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction
And I’m open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I’m hoping you’ll be there for me in the end

There are moments when I don’t know if it’s real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration
Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can’t make it through without a way back into love

And if I open my heart to you
I’m hoping you’ll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I’ll be there for you in the end

Yeah. I really like guitars.

That is all the updates I had up my sleeves.

ps: It was raining so hard about five minutes ago I couldn't resist. So I went and jumped in the rain. I'm still young at heart!

Anyway.

I was cleaning junk today and I found these:
- a red glass bangle snapped into two pieces
- a pair of sandals that I broke after many years of being under my feet
- several broken watches
- my old pink alarm clock
- baba's old watch and glasses
- 2007 and 2008 calenders, with scribbles all over them
- crayons
- tapestry of a hot air balloon done in year six
- photos of primary school teachers
- stuff I wrote in 2006
- postcards
- instant tattoos, a library bag and a bookmark won in a readathon many years ago
- shells
- pretty stones
- poems written on scrap paper
- a pen with a frog end
- colourful, bouncy balls
- plastic bracelets
- 2 wrappers of chocolate that I received from a very good friend
among many other junk. It took me about four to five hours to decide what to keep and what to chuck. I wanted to keep everything - everything, forever!

Many things are getting on my nerves lately. I think its the heat.

I baked a chicken and potato bake today, taking up about two precious hours of my busy, busy life. Now we must share it with unexpected guests.

Anyway.

When I sway, I sway easily

Its called ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower’ for a reason. Charlie merely observes everything that happens around him, most of which are depressing, disappointing turns our society has taken. There are no conclusions, only statements. It leaves one quite confused and wondering. I am about half way through the book and I honestly do not feel like reading any further. Charlie’s pathetic life in his pathetic world is depressing me. I hate the way fictional characters rule my mind so easily. It keeps happening over and over again, and I keep reminding myself to read/watch/listen to creations that would positively influence me in one way or another. Once I get into this cycle of reading/watching/listening-depression, it’s very hard to get out of. It doesn’t give me space to think because the thoughts of the characters fill my mind. From that point of view, they are no different to real people around me.

I get influenced by my friends beyond the extent of an average person. When I surround myself with innocence and wisdom, I can feel my soul automatically elevating in quality. When I am around people whose lives are covered in uncorrected mistakes, I can feel my soul slipping into blackness. Cynics may call this ‘naivety’ and ‘inability to accept modernity’. But I call it ‘human nature’.

That is the reason why I am not even considering taking Psychology in university. If you open up a door in front of me, and tell me its wrong to go down that path yet a lot of people have done so, I will probably end up trying it. So I try not to open up those unwanted doors. I try to stay ignorant of the thousands of invented mental diseases and challenges of ‘modernity’. Of course it doesn’t work all the time. I am quite immature and so I still haven’t learnt to deal with a lot of things I come across. I cannot accept them because I know they are wrong, yet I cannot reject them because of curiosity.

That’s why I love chivalry and protectiveness in men. I would rather let him firmly take my hand and lead me into happiness than walk beside him and walk through the wrong door. I would rather have him close all of those doors than letting me look through one. I would rather live on ‘wisdom is the refinding of innocence’ than ‘crash and burn’ all the time.

Tomorrow, I will pick up that beige book I wanted pick up for a long time. I will hold it close to my heart and read it with my heart. I will pay attention to every word. I will make sure that the best companion always stays my companion, inshaAllah.

Aimless, Wandering days

I drove for two hours and fifteen minutes today!

I also learnt how to park, enter into our narrow driveway, check the mirrors and the speed while driving and to ignore ignorant P-platers who strongly believe they are the best drivers in the world. I'm beginning to realise that I am not as good a multi-tasker as I thought I was. I often make simple stupid mistake while staring at a red car, or a horse, or something else. However, I think I really do love driving. But of course, I'm on my fourth day - I should probably wait until my fourth year to really decide!

I am about a third of my way through Perks of a Wallflower. I am beginning to enjoy feeling depressed while reading it, mainly because of 'the book's treatment of drugs, homosexuality, sex, and suicide', as described in wikipedia. Although these are realities for many, I live in a sheltered world (for which I'm of course thankful for!) without the rampancy of problems related to these issues. As a result of this, (also 2 years of intense analysis faced in English!), I am constantly trying to analyse why they are happening. As a result, my brain is in a constant tangle.

I am listening to 'Asleep' by The Smiths, mainly because Charlie keeps talking about it. This song is depressing too, possibly because its a song about death. Charlie also refers to many other songs, as well as novels and films, all of which I'd like to try, mostly because I liked the ones I read/watched. Now I'm listening to 'Something' by The Beatles, which is also a song that Charlie talks about, and quite liking it!

My straty group is having a special dinner tonight, which probably ended by now. It would've been fun to go, instead of sitting at home all night. But I suppose its a valid excuse that the distance between my house and the restaurant cannot be covered in one night. I'm catching up with them tomorrow anyway, back at the old Gloria Jeans.

I was supposed to start to clean up my life as soon as HSC ended. I still haven't started.

Today is the tomorrow I worried about yesterday - III

My text message clearly says that I planned to be at school 'around 9ish', yet, for some reason, Fran saw that as '11'. Oh well. So here I am, blogging, when I have nothing to blog about. I am sitting at Computer 20 in Kogarah Library, listening to an out-of-tune kid attempting to sing. Its a library, for God's sake! Can't one get a little peace and quite here?

I haven't yet fulfilled any of my post-hsc goals, but I'm on my way to transforming from an inept, awkward little girl to a multi-talented, graceful young lady. Chances are, I would continue to be an inept, awkward little girl at the end of these three months. However, I have started to cook, drive and exercise, so all hope is not lost. I have also figured out what I want to do if the little ray of sunlight that I thought I've seen does not turn out to be one.

I talked to Aurpa for a long time, after a very long time. There are so many friends that I have lost touch with whom I really need to reconnect with. I should make a list and start going through them.

I haven't started reading 'Perks of a Wallflower' yet, but its sitting on my desktop. I shall start soon.

House Full has become interesting again.

I fell asleep while I was watching Picture of Dorian Gray. It wasn't the movie's fault, it was quite interesting, and it inspired me to plan to find the book and start reading.

I think I lost all the photos I took at school, after school, during graduation and during graduation dinner. Such a waste!

Currently, my favourite.

He sat back in his arrogant sort of way.
He said, “There’s nothing more to say.”
then lectured on for another hour.

She said, everything was fine.
She said, she didn’t like to whine,
then cried on for another hour.

They sat there screaming through the room was silent.
They sat so still though the scene was violent.
And words can never really help you say,
what you want them to anyway.
And words can never really help you see,
what you really want to be.
He took a last sip of cold tea.

Last chance to stop all these lies.
Last chance to clean up these lives.
This could be the final hour.

This could be the final hour, or
this could be the finest hour.

And words can never really help you say
what you want them to anyway.
And words can never really help you see,
what you really want to be.
He took a last sip of cold tea.

Updates #40385

1. I exercised! For twenty whole minutes! (Then I had hot chips and noodles for lunch. *Sigh*)
2. I drove for the first time in my entire life (excluding the occasional 2 second drives while washing the car) and I only hit the curb once! Baba took me to an empty street and we practised for a while, after which he directed me to drive back home. I didn't realise I was driving home until I was close to home. He also declared that I do not need professional driving lessons. I love you, baba!
3. I baked potato chips today because I thought they would be a healthy snack. Instead, the olive oil oozed out and drowned my chips, making it no different to deep fried, fat filled, sticks. They didn't taste too bad, though.
4. I watched about seven episodes of 'House Full'. The natok is hilarious! Mainly because I can see quite a few similarities between the characters and certain people in my life.
5. I started writing my long story in Bengali about seventeen year old girls.
6. I'm going to Fran's house next week!
7. Its slowly hitting me. I FINISHED SCHOOL. FOREVER!

Saturday

I can't find my permanent marker, so according to my calendar, its still the day before Economics HSC exam, although its actually supposed to be the day after the day marked '*HSC is over!!!*'. I am so tired I cannot be bothered finding a pen thick enough to cross off the days. No, I haven't been out partying till 2 AM, drunk and disorderly to the extent that I start missing HSC. I am tired because of the intense cleaning, talking, watching and sleeping. The Study is still in an unacceptable state and I am honestly scared to start touching it. But I have cleaned the rumpus, in which I have resided for the past year. (I studied in the rumpus, but dumped all unwanted mess in the Study, hence the fear of cleaning.)

I watched 'Definitely, Maybe' yesterday. It was alright, only slightly boring, I suppose; just another feel good movie. The little girl was annoying though, the plot line would have been better, if she wasn't stating every obvious little bits. I also borrowed 'Importance of Being Earnest' and 'Pictures of Dorian Gray'. And another DVD with three movies, which after I borrowed, realised is in a different language. :S

I also cooked a potato curry to surprise my mum. She was indeed surprised, and pleased, much to my happiness! This was the first time I have attempted to cook anything 'curry', and according to my mother, its a sign of me maturing. Although, she did tell me I'm still a baby on the morning of the same day...

I called Marisa and Niro and realised that both their voices have slightly changed in the past two years. Extremely scary.

Procrastination (Reminiscencing)

Prone to obsession of facebook and Dr Phil
Radiating stress, yet, having plenty of time to kill
Opening the fridge door and staring without reason
Creativity stemming out of place and out of season
Random acts of kindness has become your life story
And you've lost the motivation to fight for your glory
Sleep keeps alluring you to bed
There is nothing you would do instead
In moments of loneliness, you realise time's guile
Neither chocolate nor MSN can make you smile
ADD and numbness simultaneously overcome you
This overshadowing disease has caused you to eschew
In time, you will forget, and commit this sin again
Of trying to escape reality's pain
Not realising - all effort will fail in vain

16.10.09

Things I hate

1. Crying.
2. Headaches.
3. Mess.
4. Life.
5. Teeth.
6. The concept of money.
7. EVERYTHING!

Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee at last.

I have been waiting for this day so long that its arrival is sort of an anti climax. All I feel is disoriented (again), sleepy and empty.

Not to worry. I shall go home and sleep. For about a week.

By the way, I was serious about looking for little kids to teach. If you know of any, please refer them to me or me to them. I love both kids and money.

And if anyone would like (to buy, possibly) my chemistry notes or english essays/analysis, please ask. I put a lot of effort in those and it would be a shame to burn them.

But economics is definitely going to be burnt!

From this moment, until the 16th, I cease to be and I refuse to be referred to as, 195****7.