You know you are old when

Nothing truly excites you any more. You have everything and getting more annoys you.

Parents

I love the way my parents implemented systems in their lives. They wake up before dawn every morning to pray, ask Allah for everything they need, recite Quran, study the Quran and then record all of these. They probably spend about an hour and a half doing all of that. They go to work, they dress well - modest (both in covering and in $$) -- and they work hard. Both of my parents work so hard. They don't equate hard work with money, if they did, neither of them would be teachers. But they equate hard work with the idea that every cent they earn needs to halal. They have internalised the fact that if they waste work time or resources then that portion of money won't be halal for them. They come home, garden, cook with the resources they have available. They don't go beyond their means. My mum has always repeated the mantra - 'cut your coat according to your cloth'. They eat healthy and they take care of themselves. My parents always put perfume on before they go to sleep so that they can smell good for each other.

I feel like I am failing in life even though I have had such great parents. They brought us up so well, but I am not doing well. I feel like I am sitting a test that I had ample opportunities to prepare for, but I did not. I have not adopted any of their practises within me. By the time my mum was my age, she already had all her kids. She was raising 3 kids and she had been working for 5 years. She had passions for other things like sewing which she expressed by making dresses for myself and my sister.

I think my passion had been writing. I am not sure if I was ever any good at poetry, but I liked writing them. I liked writing down my thoughts, sorting through them and changing my life as a result. I don't think I made anything of it. I am not a hard worker like my parents. I have no idea how to change situations around me and I am not working hard or consistently enough to change myself. This makes me feel bitter, terribly bitter. 

thoughts.

Sum told me she went through all my posts from 2017 recently. I think she's my only reader at the moment since my life consists of mostly baby stuff and assignments. Future L might also be a reader, so I shall keep writing! (Just out of curiosity, if you come across this post, please leave a comment.)

Baby M is napping right now. I am trying to get her into a routine at the moment - wake up around 7ish, breakfast, lunch, dinner, 2 naps a day, bath before bed time and sleep around 8 PM. She has started to have a range of fruits, some veggies, brown rice and cereal. We need to give her meat soon inshaallah. We are going away in about 3 weeks so I am a little worried about her food intake. I really hope she doesn't forget how to eat all the things she learnt to eat so far.

I have an assignment due in 12 days. I have not started it.

I am quite annoyed with myself lately. My productivity has take a massive dip. I know exactly why and I should fix it, and I guess I know the first few steps towards fixing it as well. I don't know whether I am brave enough to keep taking steps. But life is so short. If we keep being afraid to change things then we will stay exactly where we are and become resentful, bitter old people in no time.

I have seen a shift in the kind of tests I have been facing. I need to learn how to deal with this one and master it. I was listening to a lecture by NAK where he was saying that to train the body, you need to slowly build up your resistance. You can't work out for one day and then expect to be strong enough to take a punch without flinching. Spirituality works the same way. Right now, I am at a very unfit spiritual stage, but that does not mean that I cannot work my way upwards.

No matter how old you get, it's good to hold onto a little bit of positivity and  hopefulness. How else can we expect to survive this journey?

life.

I have been reading a book called 'The Other Half of Happiness' on my Kindle. This book is a break for me, from the people around me, from my own swinging mood, from the loneliness that comes with M being with someone else but also the lack of concentration from my work that comes with M being in the room. I have an assignment due today and I can't finish it on time. Doing things now is so, so different than before. In my parents' house, I could've easily glided downstairs and got some food while I do my work. I was left alone for longer. My parents understood the importance of giving me the time to do my work. But then, I was also younger and they needed me less. Its definitely different now when I go over there. In this house, there's more kids (temporarily) and the adults seem to have no work that they bring home. My parents always had work to bring home because they're both teachers. If not work studies, they would have islamic studies to do. But there had definitely been a part of the day, every single day, dedicated to studying. This is not the case here. So I feel a bit uncomfortable. Is that why I feel uncomfortable though? I don't know. Sometimes I can't wait till M grows up so that I can teach her about all the wonderful things about life but sometimes I dread that time because life is a test. Sometimes I can't wait to go back to work, to help little minds learn, and at other times, I am so glad I don't have to deal with little monsters every single day any more. I wish I had a fridge or a cupboard in my room, filled with food. I am hungry, but not sure if I am hungry through my mind or my body. I don't think I am making sense any more. This assignment is massive. I don't think I can finish today, but I still need to work, and I hate the way people younger than me feel the need to tell me to do my work. I had a kid, I am doing my masters and nothing else in my life has stopped. I feel like sometimes these thoughts come from adults implanting stuff like that in kids. I also feel like my thoughts go in spirals and I am goin' a li'l crazy. Is it due to M or due to this subject? Or due to that thing I always complain about to B? Can't wait to go away in two weeks but I also feel a little guilty for going away so much. I need my space but also feel guilty about taking up so much space. I miss writing poetry. Was I ever any good? Not sure. It was a good release though. 

Motherhood

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Time

I just realised my last several posts are about my assignments. I do often feel slightly delusional because of them. I have one due today and I am trying to finish as fast as possible so that I can get to my thousand other chores but my mind went blank and now I am here. Some people around me constantly remind me how other people seem to balance more things on their plate and they glide through life without stressing. This makes me feel inadequate. I need to learn to just focus on my life and not worry about other people's perception of it. The problem is, my life sometimes needs to be based on other people's perception because those are the people I am trying to keep happy. That sounds ridiculous now that I typed it out. Why do I need to keep them happy?

I need to renew my intentions. Shaytan gets in the way and reminds me of the things I do wrong on a daily basis, reminding me that I miss out on the most basic worships, so what good would renewing intentions do. That also sounds ridiculous after typing it out! Allah is Al-Afu', Al-Mujib, Al-Wadood. Allah is Al-Lateef.

I feel panicked at the thought of the list of things I need to do. Miffy told me once that my perception of my abilities should not stop me from doing anything, because Allah is the One that enables, and His abilities are infinite. Time can be a flexible concept, filled with or lacking of barakah.

Anxiety

I swing between panics out of feelings of uselessness and lack of time. I have a lot on my plate right now (note to self: be careful what you wish for) and although during the day I glide through chores happily, night times remind me how much I still have left to do. M is sleeping peacefully now. I have a cup of tea and I am planning to do my assignment that was due yesterday, but I am also feeling panicked at the thought of the long day I have ahead of me tomorrow. I have help, I know. But why does it still feel so lonely?

Nights

We are leaving for M's first international trip in a few hours inshaallah! I am excited and a bit nervous, it wasn't too long ago that I was one of those people on the plane that got annoyed at a crying baby (or at the parent). I am not really sure how she will fare on a ten hour journey. Inshaallah it goes well.

I feel super relaxed right now. Both M and Mr H are sleeping. I had a long shower and I finally smell good! It took me a good hour to brush out my hair and another hour to scrub myself. M slept through it alhamdulillah. Because I feel super relaxed, I can't sleep. So I got myself a cup of tea and I am going to try and work on yet another assignment. I have written about 500 words out of 2000 and its due in ten days. I should be fine inshaallah I hope!

Time

I wrote 827 words. I don't really know what else to write but I definitely need to make it up to 2000 today. I also need to reference and finalise the essay. We've got a lunch and a dinner invite tomorrow and a henna invite the day after. We are staying over at my parents' tomorrow night. I have so many other assignments to do. I need to clean up our living space too. I need to run some errands on Monday if possible. I need to make some phone calls and book a few appointments. I need to cut my nails and brush up on my fiqh.

So much to do, so little time.

Essays

I finished the essay that's due on the 28th of July, except for referencing. Inshaallah I will do that after the 24th. My brain was feeling overloaded with the content and I could no longer understand what I've been writing. So I started the essay that's due on the 24th of July. I have five days. Two of which are weekends, which means, absolutely zero time for uni work. I've been telling myself that a crappy-okay-ish job is better than not doing it at all. I wrote about 250 words out of 2000 words. M fell asleep and I have my chocolate ready to go, although, a cup of cappa in just the right temperature and texture and taste would have been divine right now. Oh well. 

Ease

I have to finish three assignments for my masters in the next 5 weeks. I always find these things so difficult until I finish it, and even then I'm not sure until I actually get the mark back. So the bottom line is, if Allah helps, anything becomes easy and until He helps, things will keep being difficult.

Songs for M - 1

I made this up on the way back from work on the 3rd of December, 2016. You were inside me for about five months by then.

You make my tummy flutter,
You're my little butterfly.
You make my heartbeat quicker,
With the light that flickers in your eyes.
And in my minds eye,
I can see your tiny hands;
And when you grow up
I hope you understand -
How much I loved you from this moment on,
Even before you were born.

P.S: She was 10.5 weeks in that last post. She's 11 weeks now! Already losing count. 

9.5

M is nine and a half weeks now. The crazy hormonal thoughts have almost subsided, alhamdulillah. I still do get the occasional bouts of irrational thoughts, but Mr H has been absolutely great about it. He buys me chocolate and let me keep all the money that M got on Eid. My caffeine finances for 2017 sorted!

M shows her recognition quite well these days - she flashes the biggest smile her tiny face can hold and throws her arms and legs around. This morning, while she lay on the bed and I sat at the computer trying to get started on an essay, she stared at me with super sad eyes. Every time I made eye contact, she smiled so bright that I almost gave up on my work. She coos and aahs with anybody that would spare the time for her. My mum is amazing at talking to M - she responds to her so, so well! She spent the last four days with her cousins in a different state, Z, now 5, and K, nearly 2. Z and K loved to talk to her as well, and M loved the attention.

I need to start filling out M's baby book regularly and properly. There are some things that are not relevant, I am thinking I can stick photos on top of those. I need to start compiling her photos and print them out. I ordered some books from book depository for M. I am thinking I will also make an anthology of poetry for her. Words that I love, bound for her, to read whenever she wants, if she wants. 

And then she came.

Little M was born at 3.17 PM on Friday the 21st of April. When I went into labour, I realised two things:
- Dua is an amazing tool. I made dua for an easy and quick labour without any pain medication and a natural birth. I got all of it alhamdulillah. Looking back, I don't know how I survived the contractions towards the end, but I did. Allah eased and facilitated it for me.
- Allah facilitated something for me that's considered to be one the most painful pains in the world and he allowed me to go through it without any sort of pain killers at all. Anything else I would ever face would possibly be less painful (physically at least).

I had strange sensations of deja vu for a day or two after the birth. I can't explain it now, but I had random images in my head, images of places or situations from my life, right from my childhood to the present, and my body would feel like it's almost paralysed, and my mind would feel numb of some sort. I felt very lost and scared for about a week, always worried that something will go wrong. Alhamdulillah, that time passed.

I had a good day today. Everyday seems to be different. Some days are good, some not so much. Some days - I feel like, okay, I've finally got the hang of it. Some days I feel absolutely incompetent. A mother I hold very close to my heart told me, motherhood is a lonely journey.

No one else can ever really know what its like.

Underneath my feet

I am really enjoying this journey, most of the time. I feel like I am hiding a secret inside me, a secret that is almost unknown to me too. I feel like I share a special connection to something that I don't know or understand yet. It feels incredibly honouring, nothing like anything I have ever felt before. At the same time, this mystery - an unknown future - is incredibly terrifying. I hear that your children are your best teachers. They are a reflection of who you are, there's no saying how they will become, but you keep trying and trying and trying and there's no right way to do it, but there's lots of wrong ways, but you cannot give up. That is unlike anything I am every experienced. Unlike any other tests that I have had. To be fair, I have not been tested massively so far. I am looking forward to it. Looking forward to this journey that will potentially, hopefully with change me, us, for the better and lunge us into Jannah. 

Reminder

This world is meant to be a test - short lived and at times, ugly. Sometimes we do things that surprise us, or maybe it doesn't, but makes us hate ourselves. Sometimes we fall so deep that we look up at the mouth of the hole in despair, wondering how we will ever make it up again. Yasmin Mogahed wrote something a very long time ago that I still remember from time to time - something along the lines of - when you sink to the bottom of the ocean, that's when its time to collect some pearls.

I thought I will be strong for M. Everyday that I get up and do my work, work on my assignments, clean up, learn Arabic, exercise and eat healthy, I am reminded that if I can set an example for M, if I do this for M, it'll all be worth it. But I think I have been getting it wrong. I am falling into the trap that so many other people fall into. About three years ago, I asked a middle aged man why his wife is slaving away for something that is not necessary to provide for their grown children, and he replied - everything we do is for our children, isn't it? At that time,  I knew he was wrong. My parents have never made us feel that everything they do is for us. They have a separate life to us. Everything they do, they do for Allah. And that's how it should be. We blame ourselves when we fall short when we don't put our eggs in the right basket, when we have hope for the wrong things.

No matter how many times you fall, He promises He will pick you up again, if you have the right attitude.

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: I heard the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) say: “A person committed a sin and said: ‘My Lord, I have sinned; forgive me.’ His Lord said: ‘Is My slave acknowledging that he has a Lord Who forgives sins and punishes for them? I have forgiven My slave.’ Then as much time passed as Allah willed, then he committed a sin and said, ‘My Lord, I have sinned; forgive me.’ His Lord said: ‘Is My slave acknowledging that he has a Lord Who forgives sins and punishes for them? I have forgiven My slave.’ Then as much time passed as Allah willed, then he committed a sin and said, ‘My Lord, I have sinned; forgive me.’ His Lord said: ‘Is My slave acknowledging that he has a Lord Who forgives sins and punishes for them? I have forgiven My slave,’ – three times…” [al-Bukhari, Muslim].

And He will provide, He will provide.

‘Ask forgiveness from your Lord, verily, He is Oft Forgiving; He will send rain to you in abundance. And give you increase in wealth and children, and bestow on you gardens and bestow on you rivers.” [Nuh 71:10-12]

“If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not.” [Abu Dawud].

Him (written on 20th April 2016)

'You're pretty.' He said.

He didn't see the freckles

or the falling hair.

He didn't see her creases

that she hated so much.

Instead,

he traced her broken skin,

healed her broken heart,

'You're pretty', he said.

He traced the creases on her skin.

Tucked hair behind her ear.

He is a cliche.

He takes care of me,

even though I'm twenty five.

He forgets dates

(But then, so do I).

He makes me laugh,

takes my hand,

and 

shows me the world

He doesn't pretend to be it.

He is a cliche,

But I wouldn't have it

any other way.

Doubts

They are tears that only spill at night
The urge to silence yourself in stillness
Your crooked eyebrows and disbelieving eyes
Songs and words mixing together
inside your head.
They are crumpled up papers in your brain
Lists made and thrown away
Promises made and broken
They are your tired wrists and paining shins
Nostalgia for a time long gone
Sleepless nights and meaningless words.