by Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles its a very, very
Mad world, mad world

Pictures on your screen

Note: This is possibly the biggest and most comprehensive post I have written/will ever write about movies.

I just finished watching Avatar, split between two days. I must say, I have missed out terribly by not watching it on big screen. The storyline and the concepts were amazing, yes, but the settings, colours, music - these are what made this movie so exceptional! The whole new world created by James Cameron inspired a love of fantasy in me. I was never attracted to pure fantasy and always thought SS to be crazy for being so deeply attracted to them. But, now, after Avatar, I think I've began to cross over to the other side! There were moments where I froze in spot and held my breath. About two hours in, I caught myself muttering to myself - 'oh please let there be a happy ending!' over and over again. It definitely has to be one of the best movies I have ever seen (not THE best, THE best will probably be Inception or The Dark Knight).

I loved the idea of the two different worlds. You enter the other world by sleep, you bring out your inner self and you can do much more than you can with your real world and real life. Its colourful, filled with dreams and beauty. After a while, reality and dream merges, reality feels like a dream, and the dream feels real. You wish you could remain in the other world forever. If you haven't watched the movie, I will not spoil it for you and tell you if it is a happy ending or not. If you haven't watched the movie and do not intend to watch it, google the summary. But you are missing out. On a LOT.

I liked the idea of having an 'avatar' for yourself too. Its like a mask you use to communicate with the people around you, who may be very different to who you are. You use their language, you look like them, you act like them, but inside, you are different. Sounds familiar?

There were a bit too much violence for my liking, but I suppose it would have been a great experience in 3D and on large screen. It reminded me of Terminator. (And when I wikied James Cameron five minutes ago, I found out that he wrote and directed Terminator 1 and 2!) But, interestingly, the music used in the movie is very soothing. It reminds me of the soundtrack of Titanic (which is directed by Cameron of course). I love the concept of 'seeing'. When they say 'I see you', it stirs up a tumult of emotions - a sense of contentment, happiness, excitement.

Yes, I am amazed.

Also - when I searched my blog with 'Inception', I was surprised to find that I have not yet posted anything about it. But I had this drafted:

'Inception is easily one of the best movies I have watched - ever. Its filled with truisms entangled in abstract ideas taken literally. The concept of planting a seed of an idea into someone's head is old - its called 'brainwash'. But the amount of detail that was used to convey this concept was utterly amazing. Its almost like an answer to every philosopher's question about reality. How do you know something is real? How do you know you are real? In a disagreement, how do you know you're right? I also loved the idea of being killed to escape dreams. Isn't that what suicide is? An escape from reality to the unknown? When Mal and Kobb put their head against the train tracks and say 'You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you can't be sure.' - I was thinking, is this what suicide feels like? The moment before you die, you don't know absolutely if you are escaping to freedom, but you think you are.'

I guess I love the idea of having a parallel world which is far from reality.

I recently remembered that I have not read a novel that I have not read before, in a very long time. Instead, I have been watching and listening, to things. To say I have been watching a lot of movies for my usual standards would be an understatement - its more than a lot, its more than more than a lot. Here is a list of movies I watched recently:

- 3 Idiots - This movie inspired me to send my lyrics off to Zain Bhikha Studios. And it made me cry a lot. 

- Aisha - It made me write this after I watched it:

'I don't know if it was the constant stomaching of milkshake after milkshake, then some other junk, or the sugary storyline of Aisha - but after three hours, I genuinely felt sick. I really do not know what came over me to allow me to watch it. Emma and Clueless were bad enough, sugary enough, and had enough of matchmaking and 'finding true love'. Why oh WHY did I watch another adoptation of the same storyline? WHY!

Thinking back to all the movies with a love story as a plotline, I think I can see a tad bit of a similiarity between them. They are unrealistic, yet, they give the impression and hope to every foolish girl that something real like that can happen one day. I used to be really romantic once upon a time. With my head in the cloud, I used to truly believe that prince charmings exist in our world. And fortunately, I have seen some pretty cute love stories happen in my life time. H&S - college sweethearts with wild dreams; victims (or heroes) of elopement; currently - happy parents of three talented and beautiful children. S&S - married after two weeks of encounters; people who slowly grew in love; currently - they are bringing out the best in each other. H&G - successful students, yet, cute couple; looking forward to a bright future. M&C - musician and laywer; people with the look of love in their eyes; nervous replies to cute messages left in each other's facebook. 

Except - there is one catch. Those are only eight people, out of the thousands others I know. The right balance - love that would last a lifetime from both sides, and does not hinder either lives, rather, enhances them - is SO hard to find! In fact, some people are stupid enough to waste their whole life trying to find it. And then some others are stupid enough to make movies or music out of them. And then some others are stupid enough to watch or listen to those, and cry, because they are either in the same situation, or have never been in that situation. 

Sometimes, reading over my own posts, I realise, that I contradict myself from one post to another. Mild schizophrenia?

And that was the day that I promised

I'd never sing of love

If it does not exist

Maybe I know, somewhere

Deep in my soul

That love never lasts

And we've got to find other ways

To make it alone

Keep a straight face.'

Current thoughts - I obviously didn't like it.

- I Hate Luv Storys - Funny, not extraordinary though.

- The Bong Connection - I watched it by skipping parts because it was so boring in the middle. All they do is just shout.

- The Last Song - Typical Nicholas Sparks.

- Eat Pray Love - Slightly annoying.

- The Lake House - I liked the idea of communicating with someone who lives two years apart from you through letters, where you can see the letterbox moving. I loved the feeling of frustration in it. I loved the idea that you can change the future if someone warns you of your demise. I wish someone did that for me!

- Daruchinir Dip - Even though its by Humayun Ahmed, against whom I have developed bitter feelings because I realised how influential his novels are, I have to admit, its pretty good. It shows the different sorts of families in Bangladesh and how they deal with their own lives in order to end up in the same place. It was much better than Amar Ache Jol, for which I had high hopes, which got crushed into nothing. I loved the book though.

- Easy A - Mildly funny. Reminded me of Mean Girls, though. I guess it shows how high schools are; an exaggerated version of it.

- (half of) Click

- Valentine's Day - I swear, after watching it, it actually felt like February 14th for a while. Ashton Kutcher is awkward and adorable. Taylor Swift pulls off a good blonde high school girl image. It was sort of cliched, but nice.

- Legally Blonde II - boring. Please do not watch it, its exactly the same as Legally Blonde I (as my friend pointed out at the end of the movie) - probably worse. I don't think my eyes or brain can take in any more of hot pink or tiny dogs. But, of course, Legally Blonde is always mildly chucklable because its so stupid.

- 17 again - I loved this movie. Even though it was a teen flick, it had a great idea behind it. A parent who is stuck in their seventeen year old body, who is able to witness everything that their children get up to, be surprised and shocked at how much he didn't know, yet, isn't able to do anything about it. The feeling of being stuck - the feeling frustration at not being able to say anything - is clear in Zac Efron's eyes. Rekindling of love in the eyes of forty/fifty year old married couples is also amazing.

- Dear John - Also typical Nicholas Sparks. 

And earlier this year:

- Toy Story 3

- Karate Kid

- Despicable Me

- Inception

I really need to start reading again. I might have to re-start with picture books, but whatever it takes, I need to start! I used to love reading. It gives you images in your head that only you can see. You can add or take away anything you want in the characters, because you are building it in the process of reading. I have been reading blogs, or the occasional sunday magazine article, but I know, that does not give nearly the same amount of pleasure as a thick, enjoyable novel, while you are snuggled under your blanket on a rainy day.

Lying under things, poverty, dreams and lists

(Scroll down to the last paragraph if you cbb reading the whole post/ if you are in a hurry/ if you are not bored.)

I woke up for the second time with a single line from Rain in my head: to lie here under you, is all that I could ever do. With that, I lay, lifelessly comfortable, under my beloved. Its soft fur wrapped around me, keeping me safe from the morning breeze. My breathing became heavy from lack on oxygen. A smile spread across my face as I experienced true bliss - being wrapped in my blanket at nine in the morning. In fact, I would love to be under my blanket at any time of the day if I could. But, reality hits me sooner or later. And I realise I must leave.

But if I could, I promise I would lie there under you the whole day, blanket!

Right now, I have exactly $6.02 in my bank account. I am such a bad saver! Its amazing how I managed to turn out to be the exact opposite of my mother. I am disorganised, very bad with my time (I should be doing something useful now) and irresponsible with everything I have. Ma has always been a responsible person. She thinks ahead to about five years in the future before every action and decision - and it usually turns out to be the right one. She was like this when she was nine, nineteen, twenty-nine and so on. She is also very organised, a skilled manager of time and beautiful all at the same time. When I was little, I used to believe that she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I think I stopped believing that for a few years. But, right now, I truly do believe that again. You would think that such a beautiful mother would pass some of it on to her daughter. Sadly, I look nothing like her.

Anyway - back to $6.02. Basically, in the next five days, I need to have my phone bill money sitting in my bank account to be taken away without extra charges. I need to have enough money to go out with friends on Monday. I also need to save up for the looming, yet still-uncertain, Shundorbon trip. Wiki tells me I am supposed to spell Shundorbon as 'Sundarbans'. It also tells me that it is the largest single block of tidal halophytic mangrove forest in the world. For more wiki words, go here. I have seen it in photos and on TV - the beautiful flora attracts me, yes. But what I find more amazing is that I will potentially see a Royal Bengal Tiger, deers, foxes and other animals from up close, that I probably will never have the chance to see so closely again. Since the place is a huge tourist attraction, it also attracts huge amounts of $$. My (pretend) shopping list continues in the following manner:
- A laptop
- Driving lessons
- Driving test
- Ticket to climb the Harbour Bridge
- Ticket to go on a hot air balloon ride
- Ticket to go on a cruise to see whales

As you can see, I dream BIG.

Aniqa, if you ever read this - please know that I have a newfound love of bubbles. I now know how you felt when you blew them sitting in the grass in front of the library. Its a sheer feeling of joy. You feel like you are creating rainbows and mirrors in little spheres of soapy goodness. Yesterday afternoon, I blew half a bottle of cheap bubble mix in our backyard. I tried very hard to take photos while I blew them, or ask (ie: command) my brother to blow bubbles so I can take photos, but I failed to get any sort of result out of both. Nevertheless, I love bubbles a lot more than I did the day before yesterday. They are so beautiful that I have several images in my head. I either want to blow bubbles from/in/on these places or take photos of people blowing bubbles from/in/on these places:
- A huge, open, net-less, grill-less window (our windows have nets in them)
- Top of a mountain
- Green grass under a big tree with flowers

My parents are cleaning out the garage. It is a double garage that is supposed to hold two cars, instead, currently, it holds one car and a whole lot of junk and/or useful things. My mum decided that it should serve its proper purpose. I cut my hand in the process, on a cupboard shelf. I seem to have so many cuts on my hand lately that I can easily be mistaken for an emo child. I only realise that they are there when I am squeezing lemons. I have either turned into a proper bengali woman or I have just become clumsier than usual.

My room smells really nice nowadays, because I have three gandharajes in a tiny cup from New York and a candle that smells like cherry blossom from Osaka. I took some photos of them yesterday, but I haven't transferred them yet. So, enjoy this one that I took from my mum's room a few days ago. If you don't know what a gandharaj flower is, google it. Its supposed to be white, but this flower must have been a few days too old!

If you have survived until now, I have a tiny bit of homework for you. I want to know why you read my blog. I figured that I actually have not achieved much out of blogging here for nearly five and a half years other than create some good stalking material. It helps me unravel, yes, it helps me articulate my thoughts, yes, sometimes, it helps me get a point across that I would not have gotten across in any other way (in my opinion). But those are reasons why I write here; I want to know why you read me. You can leave anonymous comments if you want your identity to be hidden, or you do not know how else to leave comments. Here are some suggestions:

a) Its entertaining.

b) It gives you great information to stalk me. (lol. Actually, I have been very careful to not give out enough information about me to trace me. Fail.)

c) It helps you understand me. 

d) It helps you understand yourself.

e) It helps you understand the world.

f) It teaches you to appreciate your life because mine is so pathetic and/or amazing.

g) It shows you a different point of view to things.

h) You like my bad poetry/songs.

i) You like my photos.

j) Its educational.

k) Anything else.

You can write an essay if you want; you can write two words if it suits you. But PLEASE leave a comment. 

P.S: I know my titles are horrible. 

P.P.S: I was going to write a little bit more, about Taylor Swift, my lack of reading and my excessive consumption of movies, but I figured this post is too long and no one would probably get to the end to actually do the homework.

All the world is waiting for the sun.

Its a windy morning. Windy, cloudy, cold, gray, lazy morning. I have a thousand things to attend to, which I eventually will, hopefully. Right now, I'm listening to a beautifully talented woman that Sum introduced me to. She sings acapella covers of songs with meaningful lyrics - newbegining212. Her voice is amazing, even though sometimes the acapella sound effects are slightly weird. I especially love her cover of The Call, Drops of Jupiter, Diary of Jane and Rain. But I haven't heard everything she sang, so I can't quite pick out the best ones yet. B told me about another YouTube sensation/talent - communitychannel. I just realised that she even has her own wiki page! Natalie Tran - a funny, famous, yet down-to-earth vlogger from my hometown - talks about trivial things like how Milo does not dissolve even after stirring several times. She is the most famous YouTuber in Australia! Another lovable procrastinator is the author of Hyperbole and a Half. I'm not sure if I've spoken about her before, but, she often seems to know parts of my life very clearly. Especially in this post, she pretty much mapped out how my mind works.

'Rain, rain, go away,
Come again another day,
All the world is waiting for the sun.'

(Except me.)

p.s: Here's Rain by Creed by newbeginning212. I like its lyrics, especially these: 'Trapped between the truth and the consequence, nothing's real, nothing's making sense.' It describes limbo - a place I'm often stuck in.

(Not now.)

13/11

As cliched as it may sound, I have recently realised that - every single person is different. You cannot 'expect' anything of anyone, because you can never 'know' a person. You just have to accept them as they are and work on your own self. Very few truths are absolute truths, everything else is just one of many. Everyone has a reason for every action that they do. Just because it does not make sense to you, does not mean the reason was not valid.

MM had something on google buzz and in her facebook status that I really liked.

'People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous.Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.'


Eat Pray Love was mostly a waste of time. Except for one thing - the concept of balance. I guess we all crave for peace and balance in our lives in one way or another. For good reasons too - no matter how much you give yourself away to your work, to the environment, to poverty, to your country, to your family, at the end of the day, if you do not achieve peace through these, you don't feel like its worth it.


Ok - this post has been written in bits and pieces for the last 4 hours or so. I think I should leave before I completely lose every train of thought.

Unworthy rant (like a plastic bag...)

I can't believe this moment is finally here. The exams are over. The burden that I've been feeling hovering over my head has been lifted, I feel free. Half way through year 12, I realised that I hated economics. When I made my decision to go into my current course, I steered clear of anything to do with economics or commerce or business - anything related to finance. This year - I learnt that I hate physics and maths. Maths was okay last year, even last semester - but it became unbearable half way through this semester.

Therefore, through trial and error and elimination, these are not for me:
- Economics/commerce/business/finance
- Engineering (since physics is a must for this...)
- Software or anything to do with computers (simply not interested in being part of those wonderful creations)
- Arts (not talented enough... or at all... in that area to do well and make a living out of it)
- Law (I lack both the talent and the enthusiasm to be a lawyer)

Now I must find something that is for me. All my life, I thought I would know what I want to be when its the right time. Here I am, at the end of my first year of university, half way through nineteen - still confused. I do have a few options up my sleeve, but stay tuned (until march next year) to know my decision!

There are several things I need to do these holidays. Several things.

PS: Katy Perry is really talented. Who else thinks of plastic bags when describing feelings of worthlessness? Or the number of times a girl changes clothes to describe indecisiveness?

PPS: Bookworm is a really addictive game.

Messy thoughts

At certain points in my life, all I want to do is sit and stare at a wall. This moment is one of many of those. There are just too many things piled up in my plate of studies and I really do not want to touch any of them. I wish I could start university all over again. No, I wish I could start this semester all over again. Last semester went fine. I was tutoring students, helping people, putting my bit in to make the world a better place, to make me a better person, earning money, donating, buying things. It was hard, yes, but I was living. I couldn't breath, often, but only because I did not have the time to. Right now, I often cannot breathe because I am suffocating. Suffocating in my nauseating life of climbing high and falling. Sum once said something along the lines of - everyone climbs up and falls. If you only climb tiny bumps, you have more chances of tripping frequently. If you climb large mountains, you fall a greater distance, but you only fall very occasionally. My life is not following that rule. Its climbing very large mountains then falling across great distances quite frequently. Hence, the nausea. I wish I could stop time and take everything just one step at a time, one very small step. But I can't. I have my last two exams in less than a week, and everything depends on these exams. The direction that my life will take depend on these very exams. It feels like I'm doing the HSC all over again. The only difference is, during HSC, my faith was somewhat high. I relied on my Creator to soothe my soul. Right now, with my bouncing faith, I feel too ashamed to do that. I know where this is coming from, but, I need time. I need time to settle my soul. And I don't have that. So, all I am doing is trying to forget about life and submerging myself in other things. But, at the back of my mind, I know that it is the wrong decision to make.

I really, really need a few days unravel my thoughts and start to live, all over again.

I took on some new responsibilities for the coming year. I must, I must figure myself out before that.

When your faith swings so much, one very damaging thing happens. You get used to it. You get used to swinging backwards while still smiling, because you do not want the people around you to feel the difference. You think you can fix it yourself. You try to fix it by swinging forward, just as hard. Only to be thwarted backwards moments later. The guilt builds up, and you suffocate in it.

I wish the world would leave my head, so that there was enough space for myself in it.

Physics Blues and Nostalgia

Did I mention I do not like physics at all? I failed every single physics test in year 11 and then finally dropped it in year 12. Yet, somehow, I ended up doing physics at university. Thankfully, tomorrow should be the last physics test I sit, ever. I am set on changing degrees next year. I have changed my mind about my career many times, but this is the first time I will turn a whole year of something into nothing (well, this happens to be the first time I was given that choice, I used to be in school before, all of which was compulsory, but anyway, that's beside the point.) The average career change in Australia is approximately five times. If you don't believe me, google it. And I guess I am not even 'in' a career yet. So, how should I label this? 'Discovering myself'? Figuring out my current life is too hard, so, finding an easier solution? Running away?

I think I like 'discovering myself' the best.

So, yesterday, I was studying physics with S and B. I realised, yet again, how much S has changed from that geeky little nerd I met in year 8. I used to hate her guts at times. But now, she has transformed into this beautiful, thoughtful girl. And B - she was always beautiful. Yesterday, I figured out that she is thoughtful too! After all that physics and chocolate, we went to have lunch, which lasted for quite a while. Half the time, the conversation was between S and B, and I was sitting there, thinking, wow! I am too young to talk about these things for real! I remember, sometime in year 8/9/10, we used to talk about what age we want to get married/who will be the first to get married/who will be the first to get a boyfriend/who will have an arranged marriage and who will marry after falling in love etc. None of us had boyfriends, and obviously, none of us were married. None of us had ever fallen in love. We used to tease each other about our crushes, but that was it. No further advances were made. And now - all of these things are becoming real. My friends are questioning their dreams.

So, I wrote a song. A very close friend of mine (neither S or B) fell in love once and fell out of it again. Our conversations, their doubts, my words of hope which work perfectly on me when I am not depressed over exams, Taylor Swift's interview on Ellen (I was watching it while having lunch! ie: legitimate break from studying) reminded me of that friend. This song is for her. Its very cliched, but thats what Taylor Swift does to you. I even have a tune in my head, which sounds country-ish, like TS's songs. That's quite depressing, since all of her tunes are similar, and she isn't even that talented. So if I am starting to sound like her in my head, neither am I. But I guess I already knew that. Argh, I'm going in circles again!

Verse 1:


Deleted every single email, every chat record,
Your number's no longer in my phone,
Unfriended you on Facebook, stopped following your twitter,
Every trace of you is gone.

Every SMS, words of love,
Broken innocence
Sent up above.
Staring at the sky,
From different time zones,
We never used to feel this alone.

Verse 2:

Yet, somehow you still exist in pages of my diary.
Cartoons, little drawings of you,
The gifts that you have given me are hidden in my drawer,
Along with the love letter too.

I guess I'm just confused,
Just feeling a little lonely today,
Its cloudy outside,
I'm feeling nostalgic,
There's a few things I'd like to say:

Chorus:

We were silly, irresponsible,
Wasted time in young emotions.
I knew it wouldn't last forever;
Still followed through those notions.
We talked for hours,
Stopped for minutes and
Thought you and I
would understand
each other.
But,
No, it didn't last forever.

Verse 3:

When I first talked to you, I was confident you won't
Fall in love with any part of me,
So insecure, lacked self esteem all the way.
But yeah, I failed to see
What you saw in me.
And it was a shame that you failed to see it too,
What I saw in you.
So, just two little teens,
Making mistakes in every step, we were,
Went further in your dreams,
And turned it into my nightmare.

CHORUS

Verse 2 (first part)

Yet, somehow you still exist in pages of my diary.

Cartoons, little drawings of you,

The gifts that you have given me are hidden in my drawer,

Along with the love letter too.