You know you are old when

Nothing truly excites you any more. You have everything and getting more annoys you.

Parents

I love the way my parents implemented systems in their lives. They wake up before dawn every morning to pray, ask Allah for everything they need, recite Quran, study the Quran and then record all of these. They probably spend about an hour and a half doing all of that. They go to work, they dress well - modest (both in covering and in $$) -- and they work hard. Both of my parents work so hard. They don't equate hard work with money, if they did, neither of them would be teachers. But they equate hard work with the idea that every cent they earn needs to halal. They have internalised the fact that if they waste work time or resources then that portion of money won't be halal for them. They come home, garden, cook with the resources they have available. They don't go beyond their means. My mum has always repeated the mantra - 'cut your coat according to your cloth'. They eat healthy and they take care of themselves. My parents always put perfume on before they go to sleep so that they can smell good for each other.

I feel like I am failing in life even though I have had such great parents. They brought us up so well, but I am not doing well. I feel like I am sitting a test that I had ample opportunities to prepare for, but I did not. I have not adopted any of their practises within me. By the time my mum was my age, she already had all her kids. She was raising 3 kids and she had been working for 5 years. She had passions for other things like sewing which she expressed by making dresses for myself and my sister.

I think my passion had been writing. I am not sure if I was ever any good at poetry, but I liked writing them. I liked writing down my thoughts, sorting through them and changing my life as a result. I don't think I made anything of it. I am not a hard worker like my parents. I have no idea how to change situations around me and I am not working hard or consistently enough to change myself. This makes me feel bitter, terribly bitter. 

thoughts.

Sum told me she went through all my posts from 2017 recently. I think she's my only reader at the moment since my life consists of mostly baby stuff and assignments. Future L might also be a reader, so I shall keep writing! (Just out of curiosity, if you come across this post, please leave a comment.)

Baby M is napping right now. I am trying to get her into a routine at the moment - wake up around 7ish, breakfast, lunch, dinner, 2 naps a day, bath before bed time and sleep around 8 PM. She has started to have a range of fruits, some veggies, brown rice and cereal. We need to give her meat soon inshaallah. We are going away in about 3 weeks so I am a little worried about her food intake. I really hope she doesn't forget how to eat all the things she learnt to eat so far.

I have an assignment due in 12 days. I have not started it.

I am quite annoyed with myself lately. My productivity has take a massive dip. I know exactly why and I should fix it, and I guess I know the first few steps towards fixing it as well. I don't know whether I am brave enough to keep taking steps. But life is so short. If we keep being afraid to change things then we will stay exactly where we are and become resentful, bitter old people in no time.

I have seen a shift in the kind of tests I have been facing. I need to learn how to deal with this one and master it. I was listening to a lecture by NAK where he was saying that to train the body, you need to slowly build up your resistance. You can't work out for one day and then expect to be strong enough to take a punch without flinching. Spirituality works the same way. Right now, I am at a very unfit spiritual stage, but that does not mean that I cannot work my way upwards.

No matter how old you get, it's good to hold onto a little bit of positivity and  hopefulness. How else can we expect to survive this journey?