Mif once showed me a new perspective to workload - you can do as much as Allah allows you to. So, when you think you can't do what you have to do, you are forgetting that it is not your power, but Allah's power that allows you to do what you do. If He wills, two hours stretch as much as a day, and if He wills, you will only get two hours worth of work done in the whole day. Tawakkul, work hard, worship, dua and drink coffee.
Wednesday, September 05, 2018
Tuesday, August 28, 2018
Late nights
These days, I fumble
for the words that used to tumble
out of my fingers
These days, they linger
deep in my mind
In a space hard to find
Hard to string out in sentences.
Somehow, some fences
built themselves too high.
These words of mine
hide behind "I'm fine",
behind "what would people say"
These days, they lay
under all the chores
spread all over the floor
from growing up, growing old.
Monday, July 02, 2018
Adulting
- Sorting out paperwork is so annoying, especially when none of it is on paper and requires you to call up several numbers and waste hours.
- I have not learnt to be any less messy than I was when I was a teenager (according to my mum). I still have things all over the floor. I swear I clean my room! It just gets messy almost straight away. I don't know how.
- Poop is not disgusting. It is a research sample that provides useful data about your baby. Is she sick? Is she teething? Should you not have shared the chocolate cupcake that you had for breakfast with your toddler?
- Chocolate and a caffeinated hot beverage is key to sanity and survival.
- A sick baby is so much worse than a sick mum. My general flu-y symptoms can be addressed with said chocolate and caffeinated hot beverage, but when M gets sick, she gets off food, hangs off me 24/7 and is just generally annoying and terrible. I really hope she doesn't get sick!
Thursday, June 28, 2018
snippet
I am on my second cup of caffeinated beverage for the day (not counting the chai latte I had around 11 AM, because apparently chai latte does not have caffeine!) which munching on carrot sticks. I am completing a task I was given by a teacher who has paid me for the work I am currently doing. She has already paid me so I do need to finish it. I am enjoying it though. I like this idea of working from home using my skill set - prep work for other teachers and tutoring. I am also currently doing some casual days at schools. Alhamdulillah, I feel like I am exactly where I want to be in terms of my time. I am busy but loving it.
However, I do need to wash my hair sometime. I can't remember when the last time was that I actually washed it properly, which is never a good sign.
Still to do:
- Wednesday-Friday prep
- Fill out all childcare forms
However, I do need to wash my hair sometime. I can't remember when the last time was that I actually washed it properly, which is never a good sign.
Still to do:
- Wednesday-Friday prep
- Fill out all childcare forms
Saturday, June 09, 2018
Little M
We gave you a very common name. I asked for normalcy - in delivery, your physique, mental capacity, most things. You will probably be just another face in the crowd, and that's okay. You don't need to be extraordinary in worldly things - you don't need a pretty face (pretty faces cause more trouble than not!), you don't need a lot of money, you don't need to be the smartest kid in your class. You don't need reason for arrogance. I just pray that you grow up to be someone He loves. That you are useful to people wherever you go. That you are humble, insightful, full of empathy but not out of control with your emotions and actions. That you know that the most important thing in life is what comes after it. That you are selfish about your life after death, and nothing else. That you can have the mental strength and closeness to God like the person you are named after. That you get to meet her someday.
Wednesday, April 11, 2018
Imagining as an adult
It's in your head, he says.
The words were straight, not crooked.
The thoughts did not follow.
The look did not exist.
The snigger and the figuring out
The lingering air
The flicker of doubt
In the thicker part
of her words.
An endless list.
It's all in your head.
Repeat after him,
And you will believe
You will leave
Your thoughts alone.
The words were straight, not crooked.
The thoughts did not follow.
The look did not exist.
The snigger and the figuring out
The lingering air
The flicker of doubt
In the thicker part
of her words.
An endless list.
It's all in your head.
Repeat after him,
And you will believe
You will leave
Your thoughts alone.
Monday, January 15, 2018
Black Mirror
Mr H and I have been watching the show every now and then. There are four seasons so far and we probably watched about a few episodes from each season. The last episode I watched sent me into an anxiety attack. In my life, I have only had a few attacks of anxiety: the first practical assessment in chemistry in year 12, the final statistics exam in my third year of psychology, when I forgot how to cut some veggies in what sizes in the first year of marriage (my MIL has different rules for different curries, and I still can't remember them. Nearly four years on, I still ask her if my sizes are okay... lol.), about a month after M was born and we were supposed to have dinner for fifteen at our place and... last night.
Black Mirror is set sometime in the future, although no one is sure when, at a time when technology has a much greater influence in our lives. Each episode is stand alone, so there is no need to watch them in order, or to watch all of them at all. I just googled the names of the ones I watched and they are: Entire History of You (s1, e03), White Bear (s2, e02), Arkangel (s4, e02), Hang the DJ (s4, e04) and Black Museum (s4, e06). This is quite surprising, for some reason, I was sure I watched more than five episodes! Maybe this says something about the weight of each episode on my mind.
The one we watched yesterday was White Bear. Right from the beginning, I could feel myself tense up and finding it hard to breathe. It follows the journey of a woman called Victoria, who wakes up and can remember nothing of her life. Just that notion sent chills down me. There was no music as far as I remember, instead, her breathing and certain other sounds were amplified. You could tell that she was clearly distressed. This happens to me when I am feeling anxious or severely sad - I feel like certain sounds are much much louder than others. The story goes on and she goes through a journey of survival despite her confused state, and ends up feeling betrayed in the end. There's people that try to kill her and there are a bunch of other people who are seemingly filming the whole incident, without offering any sort of help. She can't make sense of any of it. All of it seems unexpected. She has flashbacks to certain memories, but she isn't clear about what they are. The whole notion was just so, so suffocating but at the same time, gripping. I just couldn't stop watching.
Turns out that its just all a big show. She can't remember anything because her memory has been zapped. Her boyfriend abducted a child and killed her while she filmed it, he got sentenced to prison where he killed himself. She was sent to this correction facility which is also an amusement park. The killers/chasers/helpers/anyone who interacts with her works at the park. The people who were filming are visitors. They pay to see her live in uncertainty and fear the entire day, and then be humiliated at the end of the day when she finds out what her real situation is. Every night, her memory is wiped off in a painful manner. She falls asleep after that, and then the next day she wakes up and the whole thing happens again. Every night, she wishes she just died instead, but she can't. She is pushed to the point of insanity and then her memories are wiped.
It shook me. First of all, the whole concept of judgement. Humans are not and will never be perfectly just. It was a park to serve her justice, however, it was unjust! She committed one crime and she was being punished for it over and over and over again, even though she may have repented and changed her ways. Secondly, it reminded me of the concept of Jahannam. Allah is the most just judge. When He punishes, the punishment will be suited for the person it is for. We are given so many chances in this world but as soon as we die, our chances are finished. Knowingly doing wrong and not repenting and changing our ways can have grave consequences. It is said that people in Jahannam will wish to die, will wish to come back in the world for another chance, but they will be punished severely and over and over again. The reality of the next world is not like the reality of this world. In this world we may be forgiven just by asking for forgiveness, and changing our ways. In the next world, that chance will be gone.
And then there was the issue of identity - she did not have any idea of who she was at the beginning. That is so suffocating! Imagine waking up one day and not recognising anything at all. Not knowing who you are. My dadu most likely had Alzheimer's, although she wasn't diagnosed due to time and place. Even at ninety years of age, she thought her kids were little, she was telling my father not to play outside because he would hurt himself. My chacha has now gone a little crazy. This time that we went to see him, he forgot everything. He just remembers his name and his father's name, and he kept repeating that over and over again. This was such a stark contrast to how he was the time before this, three years ago - he just sat quietly and said nothing, did nothing. I am scared of losing my memories when I am older. Of not knowing who I am and feeling disoriented day in and day out.
Anyway, so those were my fears, I guess. I just need to remind myself that Allah is Merciful as well. Allah has more mercy and love than anyone and anything we know.
In Saheeh Muslim it is narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Allah has one hundred parts of mercy, of which He sent down one between the jinn, mankind, the animals and the insects, by means of which they are compassionate and merciful to one another, and by means of which wild animals are kind to their offspring. And Allah has kept back ninety-nine parts of mercy with which to be merciful to His slaves of the Day of Resurrection.” (Muslim, al-Tawbah, 6908)
It was narrated that ‘Umar ibn al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) said: “Some prisoners were brought to the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him), and there was a woman among the prisoners who was searching (for her child). When she found her child she embraced him and put him to her breast. The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said to us, ‘Do you think that this woman would throw her child in the fire?’ We said, ‘No, by Allah, not if she is able not to.’ The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, ‘Allah is more merciful to His slaves than this woman is to her child.’” (Agreed upon)
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “No one’s deeds will ever admit him to Paradise.” They said, “Not even you, O Messenger of Allah?” He said, “No, not even me, unless Allah showers me with His Mercy. So try to be near to perfection. And no one should wish for death; he is either doing good so he will do more of that, or he is doing wrong so he may repent.” [al-Bukhari, Muslim]
Black Mirror is set sometime in the future, although no one is sure when, at a time when technology has a much greater influence in our lives. Each episode is stand alone, so there is no need to watch them in order, or to watch all of them at all. I just googled the names of the ones I watched and they are: Entire History of You (s1, e03), White Bear (s2, e02), Arkangel (s4, e02), Hang the DJ (s4, e04) and Black Museum (s4, e06). This is quite surprising, for some reason, I was sure I watched more than five episodes! Maybe this says something about the weight of each episode on my mind.
The one we watched yesterday was White Bear. Right from the beginning, I could feel myself tense up and finding it hard to breathe. It follows the journey of a woman called Victoria, who wakes up and can remember nothing of her life. Just that notion sent chills down me. There was no music as far as I remember, instead, her breathing and certain other sounds were amplified. You could tell that she was clearly distressed. This happens to me when I am feeling anxious or severely sad - I feel like certain sounds are much much louder than others. The story goes on and she goes through a journey of survival despite her confused state, and ends up feeling betrayed in the end. There's people that try to kill her and there are a bunch of other people who are seemingly filming the whole incident, without offering any sort of help. She can't make sense of any of it. All of it seems unexpected. She has flashbacks to certain memories, but she isn't clear about what they are. The whole notion was just so, so suffocating but at the same time, gripping. I just couldn't stop watching.
Turns out that its just all a big show. She can't remember anything because her memory has been zapped. Her boyfriend abducted a child and killed her while she filmed it, he got sentenced to prison where he killed himself. She was sent to this correction facility which is also an amusement park. The killers/chasers/helpers/anyone who interacts with her works at the park. The people who were filming are visitors. They pay to see her live in uncertainty and fear the entire day, and then be humiliated at the end of the day when she finds out what her real situation is. Every night, her memory is wiped off in a painful manner. She falls asleep after that, and then the next day she wakes up and the whole thing happens again. Every night, she wishes she just died instead, but she can't. She is pushed to the point of insanity and then her memories are wiped.
It shook me. First of all, the whole concept of judgement. Humans are not and will never be perfectly just. It was a park to serve her justice, however, it was unjust! She committed one crime and she was being punished for it over and over and over again, even though she may have repented and changed her ways. Secondly, it reminded me of the concept of Jahannam. Allah is the most just judge. When He punishes, the punishment will be suited for the person it is for. We are given so many chances in this world but as soon as we die, our chances are finished. Knowingly doing wrong and not repenting and changing our ways can have grave consequences. It is said that people in Jahannam will wish to die, will wish to come back in the world for another chance, but they will be punished severely and over and over again. The reality of the next world is not like the reality of this world. In this world we may be forgiven just by asking for forgiveness, and changing our ways. In the next world, that chance will be gone.
And then there was the issue of identity - she did not have any idea of who she was at the beginning. That is so suffocating! Imagine waking up one day and not recognising anything at all. Not knowing who you are. My dadu most likely had Alzheimer's, although she wasn't diagnosed due to time and place. Even at ninety years of age, she thought her kids were little, she was telling my father not to play outside because he would hurt himself. My chacha has now gone a little crazy. This time that we went to see him, he forgot everything. He just remembers his name and his father's name, and he kept repeating that over and over again. This was such a stark contrast to how he was the time before this, three years ago - he just sat quietly and said nothing, did nothing. I am scared of losing my memories when I am older. Of not knowing who I am and feeling disoriented day in and day out.
Anyway, so those were my fears, I guess. I just need to remind myself that Allah is Merciful as well. Allah has more mercy and love than anyone and anything we know.
In Saheeh Muslim it is narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “Allah has one hundred parts of mercy, of which He sent down one between the jinn, mankind, the animals and the insects, by means of which they are compassionate and merciful to one another, and by means of which wild animals are kind to their offspring. And Allah has kept back ninety-nine parts of mercy with which to be merciful to His slaves of the Day of Resurrection.” (Muslim, al-Tawbah, 6908)
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: “No one’s deeds will ever admit him to Paradise.” They said, “Not even you, O Messenger of Allah?” He said, “No, not even me, unless Allah showers me with His Mercy. So try to be near to perfection. And no one should wish for death; he is either doing good so he will do more of that, or he is doing wrong so he may repent.” [al-Bukhari, Muslim]
Wednesday, January 10, 2018
Carried away
Why does this song resonate with me so much?
--
I've got sense to hold it
Tempted just to make an ugly scene
No I'm not as proper
My money's in copper
Ripped down from the brownstones to the street
Listen, I'm your friend don't quote me
But not a friend worth noting
Yes, please don't ever note me as your friend
Who says we have cold hearts
Acting out our old parts
Let's perform our favourite little scene oh,oh
I get carried away, carried away, from you
When I'm open and afraid
Cause I'm sorry, sorry bout that
Sorry bout things that I've said
Always Let it get to my head
All your appeal, once again we'll feel it
Higher education making sense
Justify your thesis, certain that you need this
Tell me what your point is in defense
Listen, I don't really know you
And I don't think I want you
But I think I can fake it if you can
Let's agree there's no need, no more talk of money
Let's just keep pretending to be friends.
I get carried away, carried away, from you
When I'm open and afraid
Cause I'm sorry, sorry bout that
Sorry 'bout things that I've said
Always let it get to my head
I get carried away, carried away, from you
When I'm open and afraid
Cause I'm sorry, sorry bout that
Sorry 'bout things that I've said
Always let it get to my head
Wake up in the morning, wake up in the evening
Wake up when you want to
Cause no one's really watching
Won't you have something to say about it
But we all have problems
We're all having problems
And we all got something to say
I get carried away, carried away, from you
When I'm open and afraid
Cause I'm sorry, sorry bout that
Sorry 'bout things that I've said
Always Let it get to my head
I get carried away, carried away, from you
When I'm open and afraid
Cause I'm sorry, sorry bout that
Sorry 'bout things that I've said
Always let it get to my head.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)