Ramadan

Ramadan began about a week and a half ago. Every Ramadan is somehow eventful, whether it is full of mistakes and regrets, filled with refreshing changes, or a series of epiphanies. This is no surprise when you think about what this month is about. Its when the shayateen (devils) are chained up in Hell, so you are less inclined to commit evil out of a spur. Its when God pours blessings into the world, so if you look for it, it is much easier to find in this month. I have been extremely blessed because I grew up in an environment that constantly encouraged me to see the world a little bit more clearly. To not have blind faith in something that is based on nothing.

When I was little, Ramadan was exciting because of the special food, and the overall feeling of celebration. Living in a Muslim majority nation, we had the privilege of fasting as a whole nation. We would eagerly wait to sight the moon, run around in excitement when we could see it with our own eyes from the backyard and tune into special TV programs released specifically for the Eve of Ramadan. Sometimes, the moon was sighted really late at night, and mum would have to began cooking when its time to sleep. We would wake up a few hours later, stuff ourselves with as much rice and curry as we possibly could, pour in some water if there was space, and go back to sleep as soon as we could. The whole day would be either spent reading the Quran, or reading something else, or watching TV, or sleeping, or playing - anything that would distract us from food did its job. In the evening, we would eat things that we would not normally have the time or energy for. Once again, we would stuff ourselves with the most unhealthy things possible. Ma did try to implement some sort of health rules, and we would often have a few pieces of fruits in addition to the above!

When asked why I fasted, I could tell you the reasons that were taught to me, reasons that I practically had memorised, but never truly internalised. I fasted to feel how the poor people felt. I also knew that 'Ramadan' means 'to burn'. And I knew that this is the month to burn sins. However, that is as far as my knowledge and understanding went. This was okay until I reached puberty, because, no sins are incurred before that. So, even though I may have slipped in a few snacks here and there, without letting any other human beings know, it was okay.

The problem starts when you reach puberty without the proper understanding of implications of your actions. My knowledge and understanding of Ramadan did not really improve, so I was stuck in a repeated cycle of trying to 'force' myself to follow something that I did not understand. Yes, I had hope, that I would be forgiven, because Ramadan is indeed the month where sins are burnt, but at the same time, that hope was pretty baseless and often resulted in me just blocking out the thought of the consequences altogether. This doesn't mean every single day of every single Ramadan was spent like this. There were times when I truly had love, hope and fear. But there were also times when I gave into my temptations.

My first fruitful Ramadan, that I can remember, was in 2007. I had specific goals that I wanted to reach, I understood the meaning of dua and I explored my understanding. I came out of it a changed person. In 2007, a lot of things happened that did indeed change me for the better, alhamdulillah. However, the years that followed were not so good. But the important thing is, that every single mistake that you make can be remedied, every sin can be repented for and every blunder can be learnt from.

In Islam, it is emphasised over and over again, that the life of this world is merely a testing ground for the life of the Hereafter. It is short, and unfair, and things would happen that you may not like, but in the end, what matters is the decisions that you make. Yes, there are consequences for your decisions that you must bear. But, your entire life is not a series of consequences. It is a mixture of new tests, and consequences of past tests. So, whether something results in worldly success or failure has not much to do with the real success/failure. At the same time, you are expected to be a responsible global citizen, thus, live a life that is sustainable. So, in a nutshell, the aim is to strive for balance. You need to focus on both your ownself, and on the world. You cannot help fix the world in a sustainable way if you are a mess. Also, you would be very selfish to only focus on fixing yourself up and let the world slide in its problems. All of these, must be done in the light of love, hope and fear of God. Because God loving, merciful and just. So, by responding to all tests in the way that God wants you to respond, you worship Him. And that is the purpose of us, as explained by Islam - to worship God. This can be applied to every single situation, and in a very practical way.

In light of our purpose, Ramadan is a mercy from God. Because it is a relatively safer time to take care of one's faith, and also, a time that is filled with blessings, so, every reward for every good deed is multiplied. So, it is a month where we find that balance. It is a time to detoxify ourselves and go back to a state of inner peace - the essence of Islam.

The other implication of putting this life in context of the Hereafter, is that, you realise that in reality, you have zero power. After death, that's it. Your book is written, no more negatives are taken out, nor positives added. You don't know where you'll end up. And you don't know when death will come. Thus, you are solely at the mercy of God. Thus, in Islam, as well as the emphasis on inner peace and balance, the concept of gaining forgiveness is also emphasised, over and over again. In this way, all of the purposes of Ramadan are tied together. The Prophet said: anyone who fasts the month of Ramadan, out of faith and confident anticipation of God's rewards, will have their past sins forgiven. So, by gaining that balance, by relying completely on God, with actions and intentions, can one truly understand what Ramadan is about. And if that is done, this month truly becomes a special, life changing one. 

Facing Fears

When I was in year 9, one of my teachers recommended a book to me - 'Does my head look big in this?'. It was about a typical teenager who decided to put on the hijab and create some other changes in her life. I don't remember much from it, apart from the fact that it was a very typical teen flick type of read (can books be 'flicks?'). I also remember that the main character was inspired to put on the hijab after watching some random TV show, instead of a heart wrenching/logical lecture/discussion/the usuals. I just remembered this again, because, I just finished watching a very random teen flick on YouTube, and I feel... quite inspired! The name isn't even worth mentioning. Yes, I am twenty one and I just got inspired by one of those Disney movies made for thirteen year olds.

I am not sure if I was always a scared little kid inside, but for the past month or so, I am realising that I have a major tendency to hold back. I have been holding back from facing my shortcomings, facing truths, making the right choices, being honest with myself and simply just doing whatever I am able to do. I don't think I ever trusted my full abilities. And I don't yet know what they are because I have a major fear of failing. Thankfully, my life is not filled with too much drama, hence, this 'holding back' did not cause trouble that cannot be fixed with little effort. I realised I am not nearly as assertive as a healthy person should be. God put me in situations where I made life harder for myself because I was not assertive. From next week, I will start a new stage of my work as a 'shadow' for one of the kids I work with. This means that I will be helping him communicate and interact with others in his pre-school. His mum was telling me that the ladies who run the place are quite passive-aggressive, and I must be strong in order to deal with them properly. His mum is my employer, so I am obliged to follow her instructions more than I will be obliged to follow the people who run the childcare. This scared the hell out of me! I absolutely hate saying 'no' and there are lots of things that make me feel guilty. But I think (and forced myself to agree with myself), this would be a perfect opportunity to train myself. If I am with them for two hours per day, twice a day, I will be bound to learn how to deal with them. So, I am looking forward to it, but sort of in a way that you look forward to horror movies.

The worst that can really happen in this world is not so bad. And Allah finds a way out for those who place their trust in Him.

I remember making a good, but rash, decision a couple of months back. When I told NS, she opposed it very much, and said I would not be able to stick to it because it was so rushed. Turned out she was right, I was not ready for that decision. AA once said that when you get hurt, yes, it heals. But you need to allow it to heal the right way. If you put the wrong stuff on top, it might make the wound worse. Both of them makes very much sense. I need to follow certain steps to follow through with the decisions I make, in order to create some real change, in order to heal properly, instead of just covering up a hole with dodgy bandages.

So yes, Allah finds a way out for those who place their trust in Him, but they need to make sure that they are taking the necessary precautions and paving their way as it is given to them. Otherwise, they will be left trying to reach the top of a very steep mountain with one single jump and hope for a huge miracle. Miracles definitely happen, but, often, wishing for a miracle is the easy way out. Either that, or we just need to change our perception of what a 'miracle' is. Let me give you an example. One of my ABA kids' house is a half-an-hour walk from the station. If I walk fairly fast, I can get there in twenty minutes. Being the unfit and occasionally self-concious person that I am, I never run it. In fact, I stopped running for public transport (unless its less than two minutes) about five years ago. The other day, I left their house 15 minutes before the train. I half ran and half walked for a few minutes, waited and desperately prayed for the bus for about two more, then decided to run. I ran for ten minutes, chucking my self-consciousness out the window. I was making dua the entire time. I felt like I wouldn't make it, and if I was my usual self, I would just walk slower and catch the next one, moving my next commitment back for half an hour. But I kept running, even though I felt very out of breath and my legs giving in. I made it in the end. To me, that was miraculous.

I realised, every time I thought that something was a 'miracle', that thing was a result of dua, but I believed, 100%, that the dua would be accepted. (But I would consider it miraculous because there would be no logical explanation for it to occur in normal situations.) Hence, I worked for it in the little time I had, even though, to another person, that effort I put in would have seemed very futile. I forget this all the time. I forget this and I give up sooner than I should.

One of the many things (or few, depending on where you're standing) that bug me is people's strong urge to label everything. If someone shows a few particular traits of being a certain way, why must we label them and define them so solidly? I think people have bits and pieces of a whole lot of identities, and those bits and pieces are precisely what makes them. Why take one bit and define their entire self with it? There is a certain way I am supposed to be, because of the identity that society places on me. Or the identity that people get the vibe of from the window that they view me through. I suppose it does not have to be like this. This is one of those things that happen only if you let it. If you don't let yourself be defined by the definitions of others, then you will not be.

I guess one thing that comes out of all of these realisations is the realisation that I absolutely loath the feeling of guilt. There are two ways out of guilt - you forget about the reason for the guilt and move on with your life; or, you deal with it, and move on with your life. The way to deal with it can be in two ways - you give in to whatever you were doing and block out the little voice in your head; or, you take tiny steps to turn towards the positive outcome. Usually, I just try to forget about it altogether and move on. It seemed like the right way for a very long time, because there were often none or very little negative consequences. But as you get older, and more responsibilities come upon you, it becomes harder to live by forgetting bits and pieces of your life. It is much easier to recognise, accept, swallow the consequences and learn from an experience.

Reflections

Right now, I am sitting at the dining table, with a coffee, a song playing in the background and a smile on my face. The reason is that work was cancelled this morning. I absolutely love the kids I work with. I love how their eyes light up when they see me. Yesterday, kid #2's mum told me, "I know this isn't just work for you. I know you love him." And that filled my heart. But at the same time, its a responsibility. So, when it is cancelled, I do tend to get a little happy. :P

I was reading my old posts the other day. I realised, there are so many things I can learn from my own life. Mistakes that I have made in the past are bound to be repeated, because, God created me with certain weaknesses and certain strengths, and they will always be my weaknesses and strengths. I cannot deny I have them, nor can I be feel extra good/bad about them, because they are given by God. The correct response is to accept I have certain traits and qualities. If its a bad thing, I can be aware of it so that I can manage it. If its a good thing, I can use it to get productive outcomes for myself and for others. 

They say that you are an average of the five people you spend most of your time with. Its so important to have a mentor in your life that you spend a quite a lot of time with, in order to keep things in perspective. I made a list of mentors for myself, sometime at the beginning of this year. I went back to it a few days ago, and I realised, I have not been using them as much as I should. I guess, when there is a slight gap in communication, its hard to jump back and start the communication again. So, the easiest thing to do is keep the communication superficial, and delay it as much as possible. However, one should never let that slight gap occur with the important people in their lives. In order to do that, its important to define who these important people are. When that gap does occur, and when you realise that it has happened, make a jump backwards as soon as possible. 

At the end of the day, this life was never meant to be perfect. We are all meant to make mistakes, then fix them. And there is nothing you can do by yourself. The moment you begin to think you are enough for yourself, is the moment you start to destruct yourself. Balance is the key to survival. And dua is the key to everything - balance, survival, gratitude, problem solving, communication - everything.

Numbers

I'm not sure exactly when it was that I stopped basing my goals and expectations on numbers. When I was 16, I remember having long discussions with SS et al and deciding that twenty-three is the best age for marriage. Also, I've always had a fixed weight that I wanted to reach (apparently and unfortunately I picked one that was impossible to get to). I wanted three kids, wanted to marry someone who would be three years older than me, gave great importance to birthdays and planned for the exact duration and number of times I should do certain things. But somewhere along the line, I stopped caring about birthdays. I mean, I still think they are special, because its a reminder that your life is passing you by and its often filled with surprises. The fun part is, I have zero expectations about birthdays now. So, when anything happens, any gifts that come along - everything becomes a surprise. And pleasant surprises make me smile like there is no tomorrow.

I have also scrapped the ideas of three kids, a three year age difference between ze (still-to-materialise) hubby and I, and the idea of the perfect age for marriage. Also, with great surprise, I realised I don't care about the number of the scale any more. My ideas have become more conceptual and general. I noticed this when I was talking to RIS about dhikr (remembrance of Allah). There are several hadiths about the number of times we should say certain words in order to gain a certain reward. Those used to motivate me greatly a few years ago. However, now, the concept of something like 'keeping your tongue wet with dhikr' (Tirmidhi) appeals to me much more.

I think this happens when you step out of your self and look at life from a bird's eye view. You realise, that somehow, everything must fit together. The specific numbers are not so important because the desired effect/result of a certain thing depends so much more than the number. If the words that you are uttering are not from your heart, nor reaches your heart, why would it have the same effect as someone who utters the same words out of complete conviction in belief? This does not mean that numbers are not important at all, of course. You need a minimum amount of certain things in your life in order to survive, although you may not often understand their importance until much later. This relates to something I've learnt in my first year psychology lessons. Forcing yourself to utter/do something for a certain number of times is the action that affects your attitude in the long term. Which, in turn, helps to set off this long process (one of those photos from one of those Facebook groups):

When it comes to religious rituals, of course, numbers matter when numbers are part of the set ritual. But I think, the main reason for doing any ritual a certain way is because of compliance to God, any other reasons would be secondary. So, the number of times that we offer Salah is most importantly important because it was set by God to be that way. Whether it makes your day optimally productive for the affairs of this world or not is a secondary reasoning. However, when something is not divinely revealed, it is always up for discussion. Also, I find that if I am focusing too much on a specific number, I lose my focus from why that particular action is important. For example, I find it to be much harder to keep with a healthy diet with a target weight in mind. But if I just think that I need to eat healthy to be healthy because of its numerous benefits, it becomes much easier to take a smaller bite out of a chocolate cake.

Therefore, most numbers are currently arbitrary in my life. xD