So I have strung up several words together for little Z over the past (nearly) 8 months. I shall record them in this post when I remember them, just so that she can grow up and see how awesome her khammi is.

You are my drum, drum, drum
You are my guitar
And I can strum
you all day long.

Will you be my sweety pie?
Be my honey bee?
Will you be my butterfly?
Little Zainabee.

Oh Allah, don't let little Zain
feel the pain
of the world being ripped from her heart
Don't let her ever, ever be apart
from You.

Can you see me looking at you across the room?
Can you here me calling out your name?
Can you feel me loving you so much, little Zee,
When you grow up, will you feel the same?

Welles

"If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop the story."

Lemonade

January hasn't been a great month so far. I have been quite short tempered with the people I love, confused about a whole lot of things and annoyed with myself. I think one of the reasons is that I have not been working towards any particular goals. My inconsistency gets in the way of achieving a lot of things I want to achieve, but I often do have a fairly good idea of what I want to achieve, and start off on their paths with a great deal of enthusiasm. This month, I have not taken any initiative to do anything productive and constructive. When you aren't being constructive, you become destructive.

So, what do you do? You make lemonade with the bunch of lemons you currently have.

Relief

Ma's coming back today. One overriding feeling I am having, surprisingly, is relief. Yes, I missed her and love her, but right now, I am relieved that she will be back to take her responsibility back. I have not exactly been looking after the house or the family in her absence. We sort of have this system of each-man-for-his-own when she isn't here. I say "sort of", because, every now and then, one of us gets inspired to do something epic and make ourselves a family again. Either way, for the past month, I have had to cook, clean and look after little Z more than I have before that. When she is at home, she does not like it when I am not home much, but this time, even when she wasn't, I could not leave home too frequently because of those reasons. I actually miss uni now. 

Pi, Love and God

A and I have been wanting to watch Life of Pi for a while. But our own lives kept getting in the way, until we finally got a chance yesterday. She paid a ridiculous amount to get us two tickets, two 3D glasses and a large drink (now I remember why I download movies). 3D glasses were a good investment though - some of the trailers looked quite interesting! Except, I don't have a whole lot of money, so I might need to convince some rich friend to take me. :P

I loved several concepts in the film. Pi was getting bullied at school for his name, so he did something about it, and made sure it was pretty damn creative! And then there was his honesty with finding God. When he knew what the church said about Jesus, he said something like, it made no sense for God to send His innocent son to take away the sins of the people who actually committed a crime, but the more I got to know this son, the more I loved him. It perfectly portrays how I feel about the concept as I know it to be. Flawed logic, but the character of Jesus is very loveable. I also liked what his father said about faith - he said he would prefer Pi to follow something he did not approve of, given that Pi chooses the path himself. Following 3 religions at once is like following none at all. The first tool to use is reason, then he can choose a path, instead of following something blindly. I liked that concept because a lot of people categorise all religions under the one banner, which leads to meshing of concepts within them, even if they are contradictory to each other. It is also encouraged from the idea that we must accept all people as they are. But its important to remember that accepting a person is different from accepting a "concept".

When he was getting away from the floating island, he said something that struck me hard. I tried to find the quote and failed, so lets just go with my memory. He said something about God's plan being greater. Even when it seems that there is no hope, it is actually for the best, and you don't see it until much later. When he became exhausted from travelling, God gave him rest, then showed him the way. And he was thankful for it. This concept is something that is ingrained in us as Muslims. As we travel through life, we face storms that make us think we can't get through, then we try our best, as well as pray to be saved from it. We know, in our hearts, that everything happens for the best. And with hardship, comes ease. And that everything is supposed to make us grateful servants of God.

I also loved the concept of having two different choices of a story. You can look at one situation in many different ways, its just about your perspective which can show you or hide from you God's part in it. The cinematography was great right from the beginning, music was chosen well. It really does remind you of the colours of life and the depth of its discovery. It's one of those films that I would not mind watching again. I actually want to read the book. I have a feeling the author did a great job of allowing us to explore our imagination.

In other news, I have also been watching White Collars. My friend lent it to me on a USB, which was not a good idea, because, at least when something is on the internet, it takes time to load, after which, you often don't feel like watching it. (Actually, that's a lie. I would still watch it.) I finished the first season, and while there were several things I didn't like about it, like, horrible acting from some characters, I loved the plot of most episodes. Its the story of a top notch fraud criminal turning into a consultant for the FBI agent (Peter) who catches him. (Reminded me about Catch Me If You Can - one of my favourite movies!) The season shows a great relationship between Peter and his wife, Elizabeth. They are very secure about each other, they have fun, share their interests and make time for each other, even though they have been married for 10 years. Anyway, in the whole season, the main character was trying to find a girl that he loves. And in the end, when he did find her, he asks Elizabeth how she knew Peter was the one. She said, "I think there is a difference between loving the idea of someone and loving who they really are."

Its a pity that life is often filled with people who are just "ideas" to us. How do you really know who someone is, until you take that leap of faith? Or do you not take a leap of faith before you are really sure about who the person is? But then, how can you ever be sure?

I don't think we can ever be sure. That's why, there is a concept in Islam called Tawaqqul - reliance on God. You try your best in something, then you rely on Him for results, and you believe with every bit of certainty that whatever the result is, it is best for you. I get scared about the first part - trying my best. I have tried my absolute best in very few occasions, because I am terrified of getting hurt by failure. At least when you don't try and fail, it doesn't hurt much. But I know how ridiculous this thought process is. If you continue to think in such a way your entire life, you will never try in anything, then get to the end of it and realise how short that time was and how much you've potentially missed out on.

Little Z is growing up, and as she grows, I can feel my love for her in my heart. She does many things that would annoy the heck out of me if it was any other baby - like sucking on my phone till drool seeps out of it long after she leaves it alone, crying for reasons that are unknown to me, pooping when I am about to take her out, scratching and punching me with such surprising force for such tiny nails and limbs. But I still love her. And I can imagine how much more A loves her. And God loves His creation more than a mother loves her child. So, even if we think we've screwed up our lives pretty badly, we just need to have hope in Him and keep asking Him to show us better days, for what we need and want.

“If you stumble about believability, what are you living for? Love is hard to believe, ask any lover. Life is hard to believe, ask any scientist. God is hard to believe, ask any believer. What is your problem with hard to believe?”

I can steal back mine

I like unpredictability, to a certain extent. I like waking up in the morning and finding out that its raining on a day I can afford to stay in bed all day. I like watching the ironies of life take place one after another, as an outsider. And when I was younger, I used to love unpredictable people. I could not imagine living with one person for the rest of my life because after a while, the novelty would wear off, and the person would become predictable. But, as I grew, I realised unpredictable people make me nauseous. I suppose its sort of like riding on a rollercoaster. It thrills you for a little while, but you don't want to be riding one for the rest of your life.

They make me nauseous and annoy the living daylight out of me. Which is why, I am incredibly and increasingly annoyed at myself for slowly turning into one of them. I have always hated it when people stop returning phone calls, are absent for meetings, take up a commitment then don't fulfil it properly. I hate unreliable people. For a very long time, I tried my utmost to keep up my commitments with people, even if my own life is falling apart (in my mind, mostly), because it was no one else's business. I hated giving excuses, because in essence, excuses are just those - excuses. If I was feeling sluggish, a good load of commitments would pick me right up and back into business. I hate the fact that this isn't happening any more.

So, for the past few days, I have been attempting to do what I do best - diagnose my own problem and fix it. Make a list and get to it. Drink coffee. But, annoyingly, things aren't getting fixed. Instead, my to-do list is getting longer, my mind is turning into a bigger mess than it was. When my friends ask what the heck is going on, I cannot tell them anything because I am not exactly sure myself.

I think its just that I keep forgetting that life is fair. I keep looking at the world through a selfish person's eyes and thinking its okay. I keep forgetting that life is no big deal, but its something that I have to deal with. Running away from a to-do list doesn't make it disappear.

I should go through my blog and tag posts as "inspirational" from times when I feel inspired by something. I could use some now.

"Wish I felt more, more like me.
Wish I felt more, more like me.
Wish I felt more, more like me.
Wish I felt more, more like me."

Miles of clouded hell

Everyone has a different definition of "rock bottom". They say that when you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up. But what if your definition changes? What if you dig the ground at the bottom of the ocean and bury yourself? What if you keep going until you reach the core and burn yourself to nothingness? Well, I suppose the worst thing would be if you never realised that you hit it, and you kept digging the hole. If you kept digging it until you have no more breath left.

I just hate the thought of picking myself up afterwards. The swim back is so much harder than the straight fall. And it reminds me that, if I never fell down here, I probably could be flying towards infinity right now. The worst emotion to feel is regret, and that is an overriding feeling while you swim back. It makes it so much harder.

I know that if I didn't make mistakes, I would not be human. I would be one of those women with their hair up in a tight bun and a stick up their backside. I would have a heart in which tears wouldn't enter, just roll over. But it makes me wonder, is anything different now? Even after making mistakes, am I a better person?

When you want to do things the right way, life gets harder and harder, and it will keep getting harder. Struggle is the only way forward, if eternal happiness is what you want. And you will be fooling yourself if you think you don't want that.

Life is actually very fair.

"It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am

So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell
Right to the top
Don't look back
Turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check

This road never looked so lonely
This house doesn't burn down slowly
To ashes, to ashes."

2013

Its funny how its the first day of the year, a bright and sunny day, and I feel like doing absolutely nothing besides sleeping. I found this in a text I sent ages ago:

"Its a song about running away from life into an alternate reality. It's funny how you can take an idea as vague as that, change the intensity and apply to anyone's life."

I realised I say "its funny how" a lot.

Time to get a coffee and smash that to-do list.