LiFe
Like fingerprints, no two lives are the same. Mine is filled with mistakes, contemplation, amendments, and repetition of all three.
Monday, October 21, 2024
Reflections and intentions
Thursday, September 05, 2024
Today
We went around the world. I have a 6 month old daughter now. I have been trying to write a picture book for a year. We've moved back into the suburbs - no more spontaneous walks to the beach. Mr H's sister has a baby and I became a Mami for the first time. Its a warm day outside today but quite cold inside the house. Today was meant to be my cleaning day because the older two are in school/childcare and the youngest one is napping. But instead I've taken a trip down the memory lane.
Tuesday, June 11, 2024
Wild haired girls
Girls with wild hair
Are girls with fire in their eyes
Change the world
For the better
With the strong grip that you have.
My girls with wild hair
And loud voices -
Keep being who you are.
Grow up to be unapologetical Muslimaat.
Friday, June 16, 2023
Home
I haven't written in here for almost a year now. Another Ramadan passed. Lots have happened, again.
Wednesday, November 23, 2022
Everyday thoughts
I haven't written in this space for a while. Lots changed since the last time I posted, since Ramadan this year. Something almost unimagineable happened - we moved. In the past few years there were many instances when I thought about my old age, I almost had flash forwards to when I am eighty and alone, sitting in that balcony and staring out at the tree in the front yard. But it happened, and not through my effrots, alhamdulillah. This was a huge lesson - that when our heart desires something, we may not be making dua for it, but Allah knows what is best for us and can make it happen. What I did ask for was izza - honour and respect - in the whole process and whereever we are.
I just realised - my writing style changed quite a bit as well. I started to write like Mr H - run on sentences and random punctuation everywhere.
I'm at the tail end of my current job (and a potential break from my current career) in a few weeks. My ideas have massively evolved over the past six months or so. I was looking forward to this stage of my life because I thought I'd finally get better sleep, I would be able to spend more time with the kids while they are awake and get my night's rest back. Little A (not so much baby A any more) developed eczema and allergies since we moved. We've been to the emergency department twice in a week, I've delved into natural treatment and completely changed some parts of my surroundings to accomodate her needs. She is still up several times at night, and I am still on two cups of coffee/tea a day.
I'm getting more me time these days though. Mr H has been taking the girls without me and visiting his parents about once a month. We see them at least once a week otherwise anyway alhamdulillah.
I'm looking into writing more, professionally. The imposter syndrome affected part of me wants to ask: is it worth it? But I know the answer is: yes. I have had a few professionals tell me that I should just go for it. Life is short, so why not.
M is going to school next year inshaallah, proper school. She isn't enrolled in anything yet and she has no idea what a school is like beyond the borders of the small homeschooling school she is a part of now. We are continuing to have great conversations almost everyday. This is our convo after getting my morning coffee:
M: Mamaa, why can't I have coffee?
Me: Because it has caffeine in it (she knows the answer.. but continues to ask 😑)
M: What's caffeine?
Me: Its a drug.
M: What's a drug?
Me: Something that changes your brain.
M: I know what else is a drug. Alcohol.
Me: Yes! But alcohol is haram and caffeine is not.
M: Why?
Me: Because Allah said so. Caffeine isn't as bad for you as alcohol is.
I love that M made that connection. She first learnt about alcohol when we went to a hotel and she saw bottles lined up behind the service desk. She recognised alcohol in aldi and a bottle shop afterwards. She asks difficult questions these days, and I love it. We have had many conversations about caffeine before. She knows that she can have it when she's older when her brain is developed a little more and will be less affected by caffeine. I love how intelligent and sincere she is, mashaallah. May Allah always protect her and guide her.
I'm at a cafe today, typing this. Mr H is meant to take the girls to the park. I hope they already left and I can have some time to myself at home.
Thursday, April 21, 2022
April Things
Eight years of you and I
How quickly time passed us by
I don't remember our first meeting.
But
I remember
The yellow rose
Train rides
The necklace you chose
Ocean tides.
Driving through
Green trees
Sandy feet
Night breeze.
Smiling eyes
Messy hair
Adventures
Everywhere.
Thirty two countries,
Two girls,
Some fights, sleepless nights
Falling in love once more
Talking, chasing, living
Falling deeper than before.
Eight years of you and I
How quickly time passed us by
I hope we have many years ahead
Of driving while holding hands.
Monday, August 23, 2021
Morning thoughts
The girls have been sleeping terribly lately. A is weaning, M is always fighting sleep because all the other adults in the house seem to have so much fun when its her bed time, emotions fly everywhere when its bed time. I remember when A was born. Those early days - I used to count down the minutes till bed time - going through the day like a zombie, trying to survive. Now I look at the time every hour or so at night and get super happy when I see something close to 5:00 or later. Morning means coffee and getting on with the day.
Right now, I'm in my veranda, watching the blue sky with scattered clouds, watching the leaves sway slightly in the breeze, sipping on my coffee. I can hear the wind and the birds, and a dog barking in the distance.
Is this week 7 already?! I need to do my daybook and send it. I also need to plan for the rest of the term.
My coffee is really good today. I am using the espresso machine that I had before I got married, which got cleaned and put away in the garage for the past seven years. Mr H got me some good beans and a grinder, and my parents were cleaning up their garage, and with the lack of sleep its been the perfect time to start experimenting with fresh coffee at home.
I have been doing a 1000 piece puzzle that we got from Italy in 2016. It stays in my walk in robe, away from the kids. I need to figure out a way to glue the pieces together and display it once its done.
B sent a quote today that he got in a work email. Resentment is like poison you drink yourself, and then wait for the other person to die. How true is that?!
Monday, May 10, 2021
Time
The Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The Hour will not begin until time passes quickly, so a year will be like a month, and a month will be like a week, and a week will be like a day, and a day will be like an hour, and an hour will be like the burning of a braid of palm leaves.” (Ahmad)
Thursday, October 08, 2020
Reflections
There is something so relaxing about sitting at a cafe with soft sunlight streaming through leaves and onto me. It reminds me of the past, how things used to be years ago, my regular visits to cafes to calm down and gather myself. The girls are taken care of, no body is waiting for me. I can breathe as slow as I want. I ordered an entire dish for myself - two eggs on mushrooms on a sourdough, with some kind of a sauce on the side - it was absolutely delicious. Now I am going to plan for the next term while sipping on my coffee.
Names of Allah I have been reflecting upon:
Al-Haleem - someone who allows us to make mistakes and then return to Him in our own time.
Al-Lateef - someone who works in His own, subtle ways, so that every single thing is meaningful, even though at a certain moment someone may not make sense.
Al-Muizz - The One who makes it possible for someone to be honoured, respected. He is also Mudhil - The One that dishonours. It reminds me that all respect, honour, izza - comes from Allah.
There's a fair few things that are on my plate at the moment. A close family member is getting married, I started a new job that I absolutely love, my girls are growing up. I need to remind myself to hold those names to my heart and remember them, always. I need to purify my intentions so that everything I do is for Allah.
Sometimes I wait for that last breath to wake me up. And then life gets good (like now) and I don't want to leave it. I need to remember to keep the dunya in my hand, no matter what anyone else does.
Saturday, October 03, 2020
purpose
Irrelevant, insignificant, arbitrary, relative
Those are the words that come to mind when I think of this life. Yet, we (need to) put so much effort behind everything. I am loving how busy I am lately. I hate not being busy, I hate the feeling of uselessness. I hate being busy with inconsequential things as well. I love that I have a sense of purpose now.
Wednesday, July 29, 2020
Insomniac thoughts
Thursday, July 09, 2020
Days
- I have been having 2/3 cups by maghrib for the past few days and I've only had one today.
- I began my day unproductively (I also slept at 2 AM last night after watching Parasite, so I woke up tired anyway).
- My day consisted of: Errands + breakfast date with Mr H in the morning, painting and Arabic with M, frequently feeding teething baby A, making a creamy mushroom pasta and sautéing the rest of the mushrooms so that it doesn't go off, finding that baby A got into the dessert that I hid last night from M and having to give her a bath, finding the bathroom sink covered with tissues and toothpaste (M), washing two loads of clothes.
Saturday, June 06, 2020
some thoughts
Little M has been saying everything lately, alhamdulillah. I was so worried about her speech, her food intake, her walking etc when she was under two, alhamdulillah - all of those issues have resolved in the past year. It was really, really hard when Baby A was just born. The first four months or so was extremely difficult, in retrospect. Some things are still difficult but I am getting used to it now.
Things that have made me feel accomplished in the past few weeks:
- Making cookies with M for Eid
- Doing an Arabic word a day and craft with M (we did this for about 7/8 days but it was spread out within Ramadan. M remembers most of the words alhamdulillah). I thought we should do this because when M came back from our Central/South America trip, she came back with some Spanish words that she still remembers. 'Leche', 'agua' etc.
- Cleaning up and organising M's toys and clothes
- Wrapping and giving Eid gifts
- Making Eid food - lasagna, satay chicken, salted caramel brownie cup dessert
- Making a song about Fridays and singing it with M most Fridays:
Friday is the best
Best of all days
There's a special hour
Every Friday
When Dua is accepted by Allah
Al Mujeeb, Al Wadood, alhamdulillah.
Our Prophet showed us
How to make it special
Reciting Suratul Kahf
Don't forget your ghusl!
Sending salawat
Upon Muhammad
Sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
Monday, April 13, 2020
More deaths
Green mami
Afia's father
Mejho chacha
Shejo khalu
These are the people that have passed away this year. There are many more deaths that I have heard of this year, but these are the people that I have memories of or has had some impact on my life in one way or another. Every time I get a message on a group chain starting with "inna lillahi…", it makes me feel like I saw this coming, another death, as if this is going to be the new normal. My heart feels heavy. Life is going on normally around me - its a beautiful, sunny day. Food is being cooked downstairs, the grass is being cut outside, Asiyah is napping. All those people had normal days too. They had sunny days, they had days when they wondered what they will have for dinner, they had days of work and sleep. But all of them are gone now.
It's interesting that I feel this way because death is something that I come across so often these days. Every time I come across the name of a new serial killer I search up everything about him/her. True crimes are something I've been fascinated by for a few years. But lately, learning more about what happens after death (Yasir Qadhi - Barzakh series on YouTube) makes me wonder what their souls experienced. My mind feels overloaded. Life feels so, so short.
Other deaths that I have heard of from friends:
1.5 year old baby in Adelaide
Both grandparents in laws - Ishita apu
Nazia's father in law
Abbu's fupi
It scares me because Ramadan is so close. Allahumma ballighna Ramadan is something that should be on our lips all the time now.
Monday, April 06, 2020
Moments
While writing that, Maryam has already moved on to hide and seek with Asiyah.
These moments will be gone so, so fast. A lot of these moments are testing, but a lot of them are very rewarding as well. When I have testing moments, I just need to remember that this life is very short. Moments pass, they may be forgotten, but the way we react matters. I can already see that Maryam deals with Asiyah in some of the ways that I deal with her, which is pleasing and rewarding to see most of the time. She has trouble containing her frustration at times, but she's not even three yet. As adults, we can't control our reactions many times. Why do we expect a two year old to behave differently then?
Some rewarding moments from the past few days:
- Maryam sneezing and saying Alhamdulillah.
- Maryam bringing one book for herself and one book for Asiyah.
- Maryam patting and hugging Asiyah to comfort her.
- This from a few days ago: "I am sitting in my balcony with an empty cup of coffee, which still smells like coffee. The sun is about to set, making the whole sky pink bronze. The trees are swaying every so slightly in the soft rain. Different types of birds are chirping in their own ways. The rain is slowly getting heavier, but not too heavy. This moment is so, so perfect."
Saturday, January 18, 2020
Death
How do I make sense of it?
Death is inevitable. I don't know when I will die. The only thing I can do is to live my life with purpose and meaning and look forward to the promise of Allah, knowing that everything is out of His mercy and that He is the Most Merciful.
Allah is Ar-Razzak - everything comes from Him. All of my rizk - love, family, wealth, comfort, peace - everything. The only Being that can keep it all going is Him.
Allah is Al-Malik - He owns EVERYTHING. Every place we go to in the world, everything I have. If I ask, I need to ask of Him.
Allah is Ar-Rahman, Al-Lateef, Ash-Shakur, Al-Kareem, Al-Mujeeb, Al-Wadood.
Allah is Al-Hakim - Every decision He makes is a wise decision.
Allah is As-Samad - He is the only One we can turn to for anything.
Thursday, January 16, 2020
Happiness
Thursday, December 05, 2019
Advice
If you are anything like me, you will yearn for someone to hold your heart. You will look for a friend to hold your secrets, to make you feel whole on the days that you only feel less than a half. I can only hope and pray that you won't just throw your heart to anyone that you see. That you love yourself first, for the sake of Allah. That you love Allah before you love people. And when you do find that special someone to give your heart to, I pray that you only give him the parts of your heart that remains after giving it to Allah and yourself. People are only people, they won't be as careful as you will be with your own. You won't be as careful either as Allah will be. So even if he breaks the part that you lend him, you won't be completely broken. I pray that you have band-aids at hand for those days, band-aids of self-affirmation and dua.
You are enough, because Allah made you enough. You are important, because He created you and sent you to this world. You have a purpose to fulfill.
Always remember: The only place that will fill the hole in your heart and make you feel absolutely whole will be Jannah. The only Being that can take you there is Allah.
See you there someday, my sweet darlings.
Love,
Ammi.
Wednesday, November 27, 2019
Tonight
Writing has always helped me to ease pain, and this pain too is eased a little already. I need to look back at this when I don't feel like this again and remember.
Ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is a cautionary tale. Lack of honesty means lack of sincerity. Its like that termite patch the pest control guy found at my parents' house. I guess the difference between forgiveness and putting up with abuse is the result. Only Allah has the capacity and the ability to forgive over and over and over again. Humans are limited. You need to let the hurt heal to truly forgive, and being hurt in the same place over and over again doesn't allow it to heal.