Jumping, running, jogging thoughts

Today was MedEntry workshop day 1. The instructor graduated from Monash in 2001, is young, charismatic, and probably rich. He graduated from high school with a ENTER score of 99.95 (equivalent to 100 uai) and gained a scholarship to study in Monash. He seemed like one of those people who treats everyone equally and serves without judgment. Basically, I added him to my respected people's list, just under Steven. He made me realise that I really need to train and do well in the UMAT because besides increasing my chances of studying Medicine, it will also give me some life skills that I lack and am in dire need of. Section 1 requires critical thinking and the ability to do it quickly.

Section 2 requires an open, honest mind, with no judgmental views. I am supposed to empathise with others and come up with sincere solutions. One of the things he said when talking about this section was: 'Honest people can see honesty in others.' He also told us about Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence is a term that covers gigantic concepts, most of which is summarised in Wiki. To cut a long story short, the next time you try to figure out how 'smart' someone is, check out their EQ, instead of IQ.
Section 3 is just convoluted, but fun, and it gives me a sense of satisfaction when I can correctly answer the questions. The preparation for the interview increases communication skills and again, forces a person to think before they talk. I think this process is excellent, because it separates purest from the rest. I really, really want to be part of the purest, but I am afraid I might not be.
I think the course itself will also grind out any alloys in the pure substance. If I can survive, I think I can become the person I always wanted to become. I think I am way too excited and jittery to write down exactly what I meant to say. This happens when I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel just got a bit brighter. Basically, I feel like there is hope. I know that sounds really corny, but corny thoughts work for me. They pull me out of the depression in my imagination, and plonk me back in reality, where you can't keep wallowing, thinking that life sucks because this this this this happened, but you actually try to fix it so that the reality gets a little bit better.

I read a beautiful verse this morning from Surah Nur. The more I am reading the Surah, the more I am loving it, because it is so full of wisdom. But the best verse so far is verse 35: Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The example of His light is like niche within which is a lamp; the lamp is within glass, the glass as if it were a pearly white star lit from the oil of a blessed olive tree, neither of the east not the west, whose oil would almost glow even if untouched by fire. Light upon light. Allah guides to His light whom He wills. And Allah presents examples for the people, and Allah is Knowing of all things.

The first time I read it, I simply admired the beauty of the words. If the translation is so beautiful, imagine what the real words would be like! But then I realised, I did not understand the meaning at all. And so I realised the importance of reading Tafseers, again. From what I understand of it now, it means something like this: Light is the purest thing humans know, so Allah describes himself as the Light. But since He is unlimited in all of His attributes, He is beyond our understanding. So the way humans see Him is like a seeing a lamp through glass. The idea of olive oil is used here because apparently vegetable oil is the most efficient in providing light, above fossil fuels and others. And the olive tree is neither from the east or the west because Allah is Omnipresent. I want to research this verse more when I have time because I am sure there is more to it than my limited understanding can hold right now. It is so beautiful, I should do it as much justice as I can!

My thoughts are rushing from here to there today, so I just wanted to make someone else's thoughts rush too, in a good way. It is a wonderful feeling when you don't get stuck in the same thought, or explore a thought too deep, especially when that thought is not very pleasant. In any case, I think thinking too deeply about problems is a waste of time. Why not just fix it?

E boyoshe pran tibro ar prokhor!

I have officially stepped into adulthood. I don't exactly feel anything, I certainly don't feel any more mature. My school friends threw me a food party two days ago, in which the five of us ate our grief away. We were all bored and depressed after the economics results came out, so the party was not too much of a success. (But the chocolate mudcake and pods were worth it!) Then an unexpected card from Justine, covered in pictures of chocolates as well! I think up until I came home, that was my best gift, because it came as a surprise. I figured I absolutely love surprises. If you tell me you will buy me a car, I don't think I would be as happy as if you stick an unexpected post-it note on my maths book.

So I came home, depressed, looking forward to my sleep. But my holiday mode kicked in and I decided to sprawl on the sofa and watch TV. I also made lasagna today, dubbed 'kick-ass lasagna' by the person who created the recipe. It really was a kick-ass lasagna, everyone loved it! I love the genuine look of enjoyment in faces. By the end of dinner, only two pieces were left (by force - ma wanted to save them for the next day.) I think I had a stupid smile hovering on my face the whole time.

My next unexpected gift was the gift from my family - a phone. I didn't expect it to be something so huge, so I was over the moon at the idea. Apuni reminded me again how loved and spoilt I am by everyone in my family. I know I am, but I often forget. I feel ashamed to think that I chose to scream at my mother instead of arguing with a stranger. I know I have hurt them, probably more than ever in the last few days. I know I don't have any excuse to do so, because they are the closest people to me.

I don't want to be scared, I don't want to cry and feel sorry for myself. I hope this next year will be as colourful as Shukanto described it to be. I hope I will grow up, shrink at the waistline, fit more beauties in my heart, become organised and responsible, and get closer to Him, a little more. Please pray so that I can live up to my age.

Updates

1. I have 45 minutes to write this, but most probably I'd leave in about 10. The end of daylight savings (or is it the beginning?) just shortened my day to about six pm. But it also gave me an extra hour in the morning, which means, I have less of a chance of being late to my morning classes. But then, this is ME.
2. Our internet and phone line is dead.
3. I lost my mobile, most probably in the train.
4. Since my internet, home phone and mobile are all inactive, my mind is wondering in less space. I actually concentrated in Steven's class and answered questions. I also ticked more than one things off my to-do list, which is a miracle.
5. I have 'miracle' written in henna on my hand, in Chinese. Its beautiful. I had to go to three different people to get this done.
6. I think I have a hidden talent in spraying other people's hair with vibrant colours. Details later.
7. My eighteenth birthday, a night of full moon, and good friday, is coming up in four days.

I figured the best I can do right 'now' now, is just give my best into what I am doing and hope and pray for the best. If I try to get something, and I put my effort in it, and I ask God, why wouldnt I get it? a) It's not good for me. b) I'll get the reward for persevering in Jannah.

So if I get it, or I get a), or I get b), it should be enough. So why worry?

Today is the Tomorrow I worried about Yesterday - I

I usually forget to treat this life as a journey. A little bit of reinforcement always reminds me and causes me to make radical decisions. Most of the time, I don't regret taking those decisions, I just regret taking them at that certain time and in the certain radical way. And then I spend a good period of time rolling around in my bed, moping, or complaining to everyone about everything. I guess this stems from the I-have-done-a-lot-of-good-to-last-me-a-lifetime-so-give-me-a-break feeling. Then I do something radically bad and start feeling guilty and humble again. There you go, a simple explanation for having a sine curvaceous mind.

Right now, I am sitting in the library and trying to remember what I wanted to write last night. I think it was something along the lines of why I feel lethargic most of the times. I have a tendancy to justify every thing I do, even if it is not justifiable. For example, I missed school yesterday, thinking that it was the walkathon. The walkathon is actually on Friday; I can't believe I made a mistake like this. But the point is, I wanted another day off even though I had a four-day weekend. I spent most of the day sleeping and watching 'Little Mosque on the Prairie' to force myself out of my misery. I am what my sis calls 'dukkhobilashi'. I really don't have anything to worry about in my life - I have food (more than enough!) on the table, a good educations, clothes (more than enough too, just... not the right kind.) on my back, a roof over my head and loving family and friends. Yet, I spend more time moping, sleeping and eating than actually doing anything.

I got a few of my results back for the tests that I have done. I don't have the rankings yet, so I don't know where I stand, but mark wise, I did far worse than I expected. I keep telling myself that I still have half the year and more than half the marks to go, but my conscience (also, Ms Horley) keeps telling me to straighten up. I make plans after plans and I never carry them out. I wish there was a place in society for dreamers, but unfortunately, we are a dying breed. If I don't become realistic pretty soon, I shall die too. To top it all off, I can see a book called 'People who have changed the Modern World'. Is the whole universe trying to rub my lack of usefulness right on my face?

Anyway, my faith keeps bouncing with my state of mind, kind of like the sine curve too. Yesterday, it was at three pie on two. This morning, it got up to two pies. InshaAllah I will go home and fuel it up and try to keep it constant for a few days. Listening to speeches really help. I was listening to a speech about making Dua by a speaker I forgot the name of in the car on Saturday. I could feel my soul soaking in all the goodness and craving for more. I should really finish listening to that some time.

I have seven minutes and fifty six seconds left. I am really sleepy. I think I'll go now.

Happenstance and Everything Else

I am stumbling upon 'happenstance' everywhere. The first time I came across this word was in Kimya Dawson's 'Chemistry' - My heart is on my sleeve and my head is in the sand, I said how did we end up here, you said happenstance. Then, it was the French movie - wait for it - 'Happenstance'! I have not watched it yet, but I did borrow it from the library with the intention of watching it. I didn't realise it was French until I was in the train, already half way home. I knew I should've borrowed that Hugh Grant movie instead of this!
I also borrowed 'Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants' because I've never watched it. I really liked the song they played when Lena was kissing whats-his-name. Partly because I was only listening to that part, and partly because the words were interesting. To say it in the best possible way: its sung in 'my way'. I have a crazy habit of singing made up songs in the shower, or when I'm hanging the washing, or when I want to annoy my siblings, and I usually repeat words and have tunes similar to this song. Its something like this, 'everybody's talkin' how I can't can't be your love, but I want want wanna be your love, be your love, for real'. I loved it so much that I downloaded the song and looked up the lyrics - 'Be be your love' by Rachel Yamagata. It happened to be from an album called 'Happenstance'!

I am exactly half way through my HSC year and mid-HSC-crisis is starting to strike. I really felt like I studied for my half yearlies until I finished them. I also felt quite organised and motivated most of the times, with posted notes of 'top 30' and 'miracles happen!' hung up in front of my eyes 24/7. Now I feel like I haven't done enough and my exams were not as good as I wanted them to be. I also feel like I was not organised enough. I dug up Steven's email about studying medicine and realised I haven't been doing any of the things he suggested I do if I really want to get into medicine. The last time I touched the UMAT prep booklets was three and a half months ago when I pretended to study in Sarah's desk in Rampura. I am not involved with any volunteer work or extra curricular activities this year, apart from YMSA. There is no way I am getting an UAI estimate of 99 or above, considering most of my rankings are around or under average. I was actually ranked last in Chemistry after badly screwing the prac. There is no way I am getting an UAI of 99 or above if I continue to be like this. I have not looked at a med application form before today. Yet, I cannot think about studying anything other than medicine. I know. Pathetic.

I am also exactly fifteen days away from becoming an adult. There is a tradition in our house - the birthday girl or boy cooks a special meal for the rest of the family on her or his birthday. I made paratha once; then cooked a three-course dinner on my sixteenth. Can't remember what I did last year, but I'm sure it was something good! I am planning to bake a lasagna for lunch on the Friday, because we are busy that night. I have tutoring with Steven and Apuni has a wedding to attend. Except, I don't know how to make lasagne, but that's beside the point. The point is, I will be stepping on the eighteenth year of my life in a few days and I am still the irresponsible, lost piece of shiitake I was when I was eight. In some ways, I have become more irresponsible and more lost. I can't imagine a girl like me studying medicine in nine months, but I can't not imagine myself studying medicine either.

Life is actually not as complicated as we make it out to be. There is a perfect guideline from God, in which it is clearly stated that the purpose of our existance is to worship Him. He created us and sent us to the world to test us if we really keep the promise we made when we said He is our Lord. He sets you little tests on your way, like, failing an exam, or passing the hot, smart guy you had a crush on since like forever, to see how you handle these situations. Or showing you the sunrise and letting you hear the birds chirp, to see if you are really thankful for these. Or letting you hear a thousand degrading words from a person you loved a lot once, to see exactly how it affects you. He places us in deep shit that covers our heads and chokes us, or in a imitation heaven, to see what choices we make - what we choose to say and do, and whether or not we remember Him. He also gave everyone different abilities to not kill us with boredom and to test whether we actually use our special abilities to fulfil the purpose of our life. If it is fixing toilets, so be it. If it is selling water, curing people, sharing your thoughts or employing people, let it be. But the catch is, whatever it is, we must use it to fullfil the purpose of our life. If our footsteps are only tiny, it does not matter, as long as that footstep is a good one. How is 'good' defined? Look it up the guideline!

Another catch - doing what you say, saying what you do, thinking what you say and do, and doing what you think and say. If you merely believe without action, you are a loser, both in this world and in the next. If you don't believe what you do, you're a hypocrete. Safe side - do both!

So that's all easy to say and very hard to do. But millions, maybe trillions, have done it before. Probably thousands are doing it right here in this world, right now. They are all different kinds of people with different abilities. So, why can't I be one of them?

I think I can, sometimes. But other times, when I forget that Allah actually lets us pray to Him whenever and ask Him for whatever we want, I can't. I feel despair when I turn away from Him for a long time, forgetting that He listens even if we don't. Allah loves all His creations and I read somewhere that he gave only 1% of His love to the world and shared it amongst every single created being - every mother, every child, every sister, every best friend, every lover - humans and animals. I find that really amazing. I went to an Al-Kauthar Course last year, 'To Him belongs the most beautiful names', which listed the 99 names of Allah and went through about 50. The names that struck me most was:
Al Wadud - The Loving
Al Mujeeb - The Answerer of Prayers
Al Rahman - Merciful
Al Afu - Effacer of Sin (This attribute is actually more powerful than The Forgiving, because, it means completely erasing the sin as if it never happened.)
Al Muhyi - Life Giver
Al Haqq - The Truth
These give me hope. I believe that Allah's words are completely true. The Qur'an is the Absolute Truth, as absolute as 'absolute' can get. It is not just another happenstance that an illiterate guy called Muhammad happened to be one of the 100 most influencial people in the world, it is because he was guided by The Truth with the absolute truth to spend his life in the truest way possible.

I am the type of person who likes to be completely sure. I mean, I love risks, otherwise, I would not dare to apply for medicine and dream about bungee jumping. But when it comes to deciding which way my life will unfold, I love to be sure. I completely believe in every word of The Book and I wonder why people wouldn't. I just found a hadith that I fell in love with instantly: It is related that Ibn 'Umar said that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "The keys to the Unseen are five things which only Allah knows. No one knows what will happen tomorrow, no one knows what is inside the wombs, no self knows what it will gain tomorrow, no self knows what land it will die in and no one knows when the rain will come."I wonder why Ms Voss believes there's nothing called absolute truth. I wonder why people are baffled about what to do with their talent. I wonder why Muslims are the most hated, yet Islam is the fasted growing religion in the world. I wonder with frustration why I don't rely on God 24/7 when I know there is no other way.

Venting

I feel angry when I feel like I don't have control over something. I feel angry before english tests because I don't have a good vocabulary to explain what I really want to say. Before maths tests, I feel angry when I can't solve a problem. I feel angry when everyone around me guiltlessly basks in love. I feel angry when everyone around me is taller than me. I feel angry when I don't get access to the internet when I want to. I feel angry when I see another 'tuna in oil' can and cold bread. I feel angry when I gain two kilos after loosing one. I feel angry when I don't get replies as soon as I send something. I feel angry when letters disappear in the post. I feel angry when I get a headache after being in the rain. Then I feel angry when I realise how immature I am, with only twenty three days to go until I officially become an adult.

In general, everything makes me angry. Before exams. :x

Rant #1

Every time I listen to Beatles’ ‘Across the Universe’, my brain changes the words. Instead of ‘words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup’, I hear, ‘words are flowing out like rain into the paper cups of pain.’ Mine sounds quite good, so I haven’t tried to change it in my brain.

Right now, I feel an excruciating wave of anger shooting up my body. The reason is quite simple – I feel like I am not given the freedom I deserve. This anger is annoying, because it won’t go away and it can’t be helped either. How many times have I tried to argue my way out of restrictions? It never works. Instead, more restrictions are put on me! I don’t understand why something Halaal should be made Haraam. Isn’t that a sin? Why should culture hinder us from practising Islam? Islam is above all and nothing comes before it. I thought they understood it, but why are they holding back because of the culture?

I love both of them. I don’t see why there should be a difference between them. I don’t see why one should be looked down upon, not approved, and the other idealised. They can’t even explain the reason to me properly, which means they don’t have a proper reason. Its unfair! And ok. Fine. Don’t let me hang around that person. Why can’t the other fill up the space? Both of them together make an amazing pair. If both of them were one person, I think I’d love and respect that person so much more. But since that person is unable to fill up the place of the other, I think I have a right to spend time with both of them.

I wish they would all stop being confused. I wish I would stop being confused. I wish we could all be completely truthful, with ourselves, Allah, and with everyone around us.

I love all four of them. But each of them have their deficiencies and sometimes its hard to put up with it. I think the most important quality in a person is honesty and openness. I don’t have any of them. But I think a person with those qualities can change that in me. I’m trying to be more honest with myself. I still have to work on it. I still try to convince myself of something, even if I know its not right. I should not be ashamed to ask people who know more than me. I know I can’t judge everything myself. I don’t have the maturity or the knowledge to do so.

Nowadays, I just feel like saying whatever and waving everything away.

Loose lips might sink ships but loose kisses take trips. So if I wanna kill myself, should I remember that you love me? If I call you up, can we make some plans instead? I will ask you what you think because your thoughts and words are powerful.

But I still love hugging, singing, screaming, kissing, tugging on the sleeve of how it used to be!

We went to see Tania apu when we went to Bangladesh. Since the last time we saw her, she got married. Her father aka my dad’s youngest brother passed away. She started teaching in a primary school. She’s a bit younger than my brother and a bit older than my sister. Now, she’s six months pregnant and looks ten times more beautiful. The girl who used to frown at me for not listening to her during long hours of Ludo, the girl who took me around our village, showing me off as ‘the cousin who came from Dhaka’, whose red eyes I used to be immensely scared of, hugged me very tightly and cried when we left her husband’s house.

Faria apu started wearing a hijab. Sarah stopped wearing it. The one I remember as a seven year old pouting girl, gets calls from ten different guys in one day. Shifa is transforming from being a child to a girl. She’s naturally talented in dancing and singing and her olive skin seems to look more beautiful each day. Mami is very, very worried about that girl!

Tahmid is going to be an understanding, responsible and overall, an amazing man. Eshon’s existence was negligible in my world before, but he became part of the group. Nusaiba seems like she’d grow up to be me – confused. Since the last time I saw choto mami, which was the first time I remember talking to her, Shahrin came into existence and is already three. Two new bhabis entered the family. Shahana apu’s oldest son, who I’d always remember as a three year old skinny little boy, is now busy with many jobs around the village and spends the whole day on his bike, in a lungi. Sajid bhayia seemed bigger and scarier. You can tell Sabit will have girls running after him in a few years, even though he’s only six. Rafif is turning out to be as talented and gorgeous as his parents. Zarin is getting shyer every day. Dadu passed away, nanu got older. My sister is no longer an unmarried girl who I can giggle with about silly dreams. I will be doing my HSC in seven months and deciding writing my own life story, in a separate book, really soon.

No matter how much I scream, nothing’s gonna change my world, everything is changing. This is what I felt about a year ago, when my life seemed to be at the corner of a turning road. A confused girl like me gets even more confused when she faces crossroads and turns.

Kolkata

Kolkata was amazing. We left Dhaka at around 11 AM on a delayed flight and reached Kolkata at around 11 AM. :) We got on a round yellow taxi that ricketted all the way to a cluster of hotels, none of which took us in. But I was thrilled just to think that I was in the city I read about all this time! To cut a long story short - It took us about 3 hours to find a hotel and move in. A tiny room in Gulshan Cottage was our home for the next two days. Ma Baba and I shared the double bed. I felt like a baby again!
After lunch, we went shopping in the huge New Market. A disgusting smell entered our nose when we entered the market. We figured the mysterious smell came from the freely roaming cattle and goats. For the next few hours, Ma shopped, Baba and I tagged along. The interesting thing was the way they talked. Yes, they really say 'dada' and can't pronounce chh and sh. They also exaggerate everything they say. Literally every shop had lemon and chilli hanging infront of it for good luck. At around 7, in desperation to put something in our stomach, we went to a street restaurant and spent about 30 rupees for dinner for 3. The yellow walls were black with grease. On one side, a little boy was making something like noodles. All the strands dwandled on the floor. After we ordered and sat down, I realised every pair of eyes were on us! The food was not too bad - well, my food wasn't too bad. Baba took meat and rice, which was provided on greasy plates. Our hungry mouths gobbled down whatever we got.
On our way back to our hotel, we baught peyara, biscuits and 'kurkure'. We also passed a piggery.

Next day was our sightseeing day. Breakfast - toast biscuit, a banana. After about half an hour of bargaining, we got on a taxi that patiently stayed with us the whole day. We passed a huge house, which was once Rani Rasmoni's palace. It extended for a whole street, in fact, the name of the street became Rani Rasmoni Rd! Her ancestors occupy the place now. We also saw trams. The tram lines run along Kolkata streets and cars and taxis run on top of them. They move if a tram is coming.
He took us to College Street!!! Presidency! Coffee House! OH EM GEE. Anjan Datta's Coffee House is off College Street, on the second floor of an old building. The alleyway is filled with bookstores. Most of the buildings in Kolkata are very old, with olden wooden windows and fading walls. We climbed up a few dark steps and reached Coffee House. We took a sit next to the window. Sunlight streamed through the window and onto our table, and I felt, yet again, THIS IS THE COFFEE HOUSE! The ceiling was really high, with ceiling fans hanging off. Everything was as dirty as the rest of Kolkata, but that prompted my spirit to increase further. Young couples and groups of friends sat here and there. We ordered shingara and coffee. I took a cold coffee with cream. It was all very nice food. :)
We walked through Presidency for a few minutes, bought some more peyara and got on our taxi again, off College St. Then we went to Rabindro Sharani and Nakhoda Mosque.

We saw Hoogly Bridge - new and the old one, walked by Ganga. Ganga is as dirty as they describe it. I had bharer cha there. We walked for a while and then had jhalmuri for lunch. We saw a puja happening. We also saw premium dating spots by Ganga, with a few couples occupying them. A guy was shaving his head by the river. We also saw boats but the price was too high and time was too limited for us to go on. Then we crossed railtracks and got back on our taxi.

Then we went to Victoria Memorial. The taxi driver dropped us off because there was no parking space infront of the park. We got off and then realised the price was 15 times high for us because we don't hold Indian Passport. Oh well. It wasn't worth going in anyway. But we went on Horse carriage from outside the gate and had fuchka. Dhaka's fuchkas are so much better! We also saw banorer nach. The monkey took a coin off my hand!!

Then we went to Science City, which did not really represent the real Kolkata.

The best thing about Kolkata are the streets, people and the entertainment. They are so vibrant and dirty at the same time that it really felt like I was dreaming. I had so much more to write, but my hands are tired. Kolkata is really an amazing city for a two day holiday.

Idiots Guide to My Life (source: Wiki)

Procrastination is a type of behavior which is characterized by deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite procrastination as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision. ^[1] Psychology researchers also have three criteria they use to categorize procrastination. They believe that procrastination must be counterproductive, needless, and delaying.^[2]

For an individual, procrastination may result in stress, a sense of guilt, the loss of personal productivity, the creation of crisis and the disapproval of others for not fulfilling one's responsibilities or commitments. These combined feelings can promote further procrastination. While it is normal for people to procrastinate to some degree, it becomes a problem when it impedes normal functioning. Chronic procrastination may be a sign of an underlying psychological or physiological disorder.

The word itself comes from the Latin word procrastinatus: pro- (forward) and crastinus (of tomorrow). The term's first known appearance was in Edward Hall's The Union of the Noble and Illustre Famelies of Lancastre and York, first published sometime before 1548.^[3] The sermon reflected procrastination's connection at the time to task avoidance or delay, volition or will, and sin.

Academic procrastination

While academic procrastination is not a special type of procrastination, procrastination is thought to be particularly prevalent in the academic setting, where students are required to meet deadlines for assignments and tests in an environment full of events and activities which compete for the students' time and attention. More specifically, a 1992 study showed that "52% of surveyed students indicated having a moderate to high need for help concerning procrastination"^[7].

Some students struggle with procrastination due to a lack of time management or study skills, stress, or feeling overwhelmed with their work

Student syndrome refers to the phenomenon that many students will begin to fully apply themselves to a task only just before a deadline. This leads to wasting any buffers built into individual task duration estimates.

The term originated in Eliyahu M. Goldratt's novel-style book Critical Chain. The principle is also addressed in Agile Software Development.

For example, if a group of students goes to a professor and asks for an extension to a deadline, they will usually defend their request by noting how much better their project will be if they are given more time to work on it; they request this with the intent to distribute their work time across the remainder of the time until the deadline. In reality, however, most students will have other tasks or events that place demands on their time. They will often end up close to the same situation they started with, wishing they had more time as the new delayed deadline approaches.

This same behaviour is seen in businesses; in project and task estimating, a time- or resource-buffer is applied to the task to allow for overrun or other scheduling problems. However, with student syndrome the latest possible start of tasks causes the buffer for any given task to be wasted beforehand, rather than kept in reserve. Like students, many workers do not complete assignments early, but wait until the last minute before starting, often having to rush to submit their assignment minutes before the deadline. A similar phenomenon is seen every year in the United States and Mexico when personal tax returns are due, as large numbers of people queue until their post office closes, in order to get their tax return postmarked.

Types of procrastinators

The relaxed type

The relaxed type of procrastinators view their responsibilities negatively and avoid them by directing energy into other tasks. It is common, for example, for relaxed type procrastinating children to abandon schoolwork but not their social lives. Students often see projects as a whole rather than breaking them into smaller parts. This type of procrastination is a form of denial or cover-up; therefore, typically no help is being sought. Furthermore, they are also unable to defer gratification. The procrastinator avoids situations that would cause displeasure, indulging instead in more enjoyable activities. In Freudian terms, such procrastinators refuse to renounce the pleasure principle, instead sacrificing the reality principle. They may not appear to be worried about work and deadlines, but this is simply an evasion.^[8]

The tense-afraid type

The tense-afraid type of procrastinator usually feels overwhelmed with pressure, unrealistic about time, uncertain about goals and many other negative feelings. Feeling that they lack the ability or focus to successfully complete their work, they tell themselves that they need to unwind and relax, that it's better to take it easy for the afternoon, for example, and start afresh in the morning. They usually have grandiose plans that aren't realistic. Their 'relaxing' is often temporary and ineffective, and leads to even more stress as time runs out, deadlines approach and the person feels increasingly guilty and apprehensive. This behavior becomes a cycle of failure and delay, as plans and goals are put off, penciled into the following day or week in the diary again and again. It can also have a debilitating effect on their personal lives and relationships. Since they are uncertain about their goals, they often feel awkward with people who appear confident and goal-oriented, which can lead to depression. Tense-afraid procrastinators often withdraw from social life, avoiding contact even with close friends.^[8]

Stigma and misunderstanding

Procrastinators often have great difficulty in seeking help, or finding an understanding source of support, due to the stigma and profound misunderstanding surrounding extreme forms of procrastination. The problem is often mischaracterised simply as laziness, a lack of willpower, or lack of ambition.^{[citation needed]}

22.11.08

I’m supposed to be writing my essay for the upcoming English exam which contributes to 30% of the school mark going towards the final HSC mark. If I don’t attempt this test, my mark is capped to 85%. Considering my English skills, my mark is capped to about 60%. In plain English (note the pun! hehe), If I don’t put some effort in this essay, I’m screwed.

But the words are not flowing out of my fingers. All I see is facebook photos of year 12 formals and forwards from people I never talk to. By the way, some of the formal photos left me gaping for a while. The tall and nerdy Alex and annoying Danijela actually look like, um, ‘grow-ups’. I can imagine Alex studying literature in Sydney Uni, passionately talking about some old book he dug up two days ago; or strumming a guitar, wearing those daggy clothes that all musicians seem to wear. I can also totally imagine the skinny, annoying Danijela in a dinner table, looking like someone from TV. I can’t believe these people are only a year above me!

And I can’t believe I’d see two new countries in two weeks time!

A lot of things are happening in (or around) my life right now.

1. Our house is getting painted by the men in our family. They want to paint the bathroom the same colour as the kitchen.

2. My first exams for the final year of my schooling life start in seven days.

3. I helped a friend with a huge decision. This makes me feel like I have a say in someone’s life. It feels great. :D

4. We’re packing many suitcases for our journey to three, possibly four, countries. (The rest of the family is; I’m usually just sitting with a book in front of me. No, I don’t study 24/7. But I’m getting quite good at pretending to study 24/7!)

5. Life is wonderful when God makes you feel like you’re in control of parts of it.

This blog is so dead I don’t even know why I write here any more. I remember ‘those days’... the days when Flynn and Ashes and Daggers and Snowy and Doe and Peach and Nira (occasionally her two sisters too) were still alive. Daggers was in year 12, just like me now. Flynn, Emu and Hijabi Princess were younger. Ashes and Nira actually talked to us. We had long and reflective discussions about marriages and weddings, which none of us knew about back then, and wondered about the unknown life. Everyone was so full of dreams and hopes that nothing seemed impossible.

24.11.08 - I feel like something bad is going to happen any moment now because life is just too perfect right now. Perfection is not reality.

p.s: I'm really looking forward to 11th December 08.

p.p.s: Our bathroom isn't the same colour as the kitchen. Now its pink. Its better than olive, because that colour reminds me of olives, and then food. I'd rather not, not in the bathroom!

p.p.p.s: I've finished a third of my essay!

Shine.

You can give your life, you can lose your soul
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
shine

You say that you never had a moment and nobody needs you
So cry, so cry
You believe that life rolls by just to deceive you
By your time, by your time
You’re getting old
And the longer you take, the slower your pain will grow
It will grow, it will grow
You can close you eyes
And hope that when you open them you’ve got a brand new life

You can give your life, you can lose your soul
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you…
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine
(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)
(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)
Shine
(You can try)

Grow up and make the best of what you’ve got
Of what you’ve got
The days are going by and you’re sittin’ on your arse
And you’re wondering why, why, why, yeah

You can give your life or you can lose your soul
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you…
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine

You say that you’ve never had a moment and nobody needs you
So cry, so cry
You believe that life rolls by just to deceive you
By your time, by your time
You’re getting old
And the longer you take the slower your pain will grow
It’ll grow, it’ll grow
You can close you eyes
And hope that when you open them you’ve got a brand new life

You can give your life or you can lose your soul
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you…
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine

(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)
(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)

You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine

Live, please?

I know you'll be here. And yes, I was there, even though you thought no one could find you there. Don't hide from life, don't run away, and it will give something to you. You worry about your age, but it is nothing compared to the world. Billions and billions of years old - but it is still getting damaged by people. Who cares if others want to damage you? Please don't damage yourself!
I also know you would rather listen to famous, reliable people, rather than my advice. I picked out some for you, hope you like it.
Hope you would give your life another chance.

“Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.”
Unknown

“Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once.”
Lillian Dickson

“Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars.”
Henry Van Dyke

“We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It's a messy business, life. It's hard to figure - full of surprises. Some good. Some bad.”
Henry Bromel

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”
Unknown

“Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.”
William James

“The fear of life is the favorite disease of the 20th century.”
William Lyon Phelps
(please don't conform!)

"He is able who thinks he is able."
Buddha

“Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.”
Laurence J. Peter

And this are snippets of lyrics from some of my favourite songs.

"Youth is like diamonds in the sun,
And diamonds are forever,
So many adventures couldn't happened today,
So many songs that we forgot to play,
So many dreams swimming out in the blue,
Let them come true"

"Find your mirror go and look inside
And see the talent you always hide
Don't go kidd yourself well not today
Satisfaction's not to far away"

"But if we hide ourselves away
Afraid to grow and learn
We might wake up in the flames
Of the ignorance that burns
And we’ll never be much more
Than only casualties of war
In a struggle we can’t win
If we have no faith to begin
We’ve got to tip the lid
And let some sunlight in
Cause the world is not a box"

You can't take your life away. You'll be wasting a brain, a heart and a soul. None of these are yours.

Learning the Truth

I was reading the last chapters of Looking For Alibrandi again yesterday and came across this song. Apparently, people learn the truth at seventeen. I'm half way past it. Why am I still so ignorant about life?

I was in year nine or ten when I read the book for the first time. I remember thinking, why is it such a big deal? HSC is just HSC! Why would people commit suicide for it? Why would others need a support network just because of a set of exams? Why would anyone feel nervous at all?

I think I can relate to Josie a bit now. Her life and mine are slightly similar.

Seventeen - Janice Ian

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired.
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth.
And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say come dance with me
and murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems
At seventeen.
A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
said, Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve.
The rich relationed hometown queen
Married into what she needs
A guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly.
Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
Indebentures of quality
And dubious integrity.
Their small town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received
At seventeen.
To those of us who know the pain
Of valentines that never came,
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me.
We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, come dance with me
and murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me
At seventeen.

My Updated, Upbeat Life

My final year of high school started out of nowhere about three weeks ago. I am still adjusting my eyes to the bright light at the end of the tunnel, which is something like Medicine in UNSW. And the lesser bright light next to it spells out M-E-D-I-C-I-N-E-,-U-W-S. If I can’t get their fast and qualified enough for the brighter one, I wouldn’t mind taking the second way out. The problem is that I might not get their in time for that one either. Quoting Scarlett, “I will think about that later.”

Year twelve is nothing like year eleven. The work is much harder, comes in bigger loads and has to be done faster. The worst part is – all of it counts towards determining how realistic my dream of successfully reaching the end of the tunnel is. If I screw up once, it’ll be a big, fat, permanent black mark on my newly cleaned record. But – I will think about that later.

My new timetable is so inelastic to my demands, no matter how much tax I impose on these, they won’t budge. The bad things about it include:
My extremely ignorant and boring economics teacher.
My incredibly annoying maths teacher.
Morning classes – twice a week.
Monday afternoon maths classes, when the rest of the year 12s get to go home.

I am so disadvantaged that I really should be given the right to apply for extra points. And then there is the added problem of travelling so far away. And then... and... And etc. Yup I should be able to get a 99 by scraping past 80.
I wish.

Ohhh. The good news is – I am studying Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close as an Area of Study text! I was so, so happy to see it on the list I could’ve cried. Dear Oskar would be back to me and I would be back to dealing with fictitious characters’ depression and coming up with amazing ideas and theories and feeling quite smart for doing so. The bad news is – I threw out last year’s notes.

Maths isn’t that bad either – apart from Ms Trotter. She literally trots!
(I just looked up ‘trotter’ in Encarta Dictionary Tools.
trot·ter [tróttər]
(plural trot·ters)
n
1.
food pig or sheep foot: the foot of an animal, especially that of a pig or sheep, when used as food
2.
horseracing trotting person or animal: somebody who or something that trots, especially a horse that has been specially trained to trot in harness
LOL!)

I am trying to like her attention on me. I figured, the only way I have a chance of ever getting my way with her is if I sit at the front and nod and smile enthusiastically at everything she says for five minutes. It’s working. She feels loved and therefore does not mind if I don’t pay attention for the rest of the period. I can’t help it! She even makes extension 2 look boring!

Steven makes my week complete every Friday with extension 2 and I am guaranteeing it – this subject is probably the most interesting one I’m doing. In the past two years, I never thought I would associate ‘interesting’ with ‘maths’, but Steve simply and easily made this impossible concept possible to bear. I wish I could tell him how great a teacher he is. Even though I’ve only been his student for about a month, I can already feel the change within me. My competitive nature for solving problems is finally emerging again. The last time I felt this ‘fresh’ about maths would probably be year 6. I even dreamt about maths twice in the last three weeks!

(I’ve just read over that paragraph and I sound crazy. Enough about maths.)

In the midst of this chaotic year, I’ll be going to BD inshaallah – exactly 40 days later. I have a things-to-do-before-I-go-to-BD list somewhere, which includes many things like ‘lose 10 kilos’ and ‘get rid of accent’. I haven’t done any of them. I keep extending the last date for ‘lose 10 kilos’. Right now, I’m giving myself the excuse of HSC. Everyone gets fat during their final year, so I might as well stay this way. With that thought out of the way, I am increasingly getting excited everyday. BD changed me a lot last time I went, and I wonder if it’ll have a similar effect on me this time. I hope I change to be better, instead of coming back with a little bit of my innocence gone, again.

Here you go, dear Miss Emu, an update of my life. Now you have no excuse to not know that I will still be at school for one more year. :P

ps: I met an apu recently who hated maths in high school. Now, she is studying accounting and married to a mathematician. I love irony when its to do with other people’s lives.

Sincere Attempt at Sincere Poetry - stuff straight out of my heart

Do you know how much I love you?
My heart breaks every time you shout at me.
It leaps out of its cage every time you hug.
My lips tremble at your exhausted, bitter, slashing words.
Yet, my nose does not want to stop smelling you.
It hurt a lot when you pulled my hair.
But it hurts more when you want to cut off the invisible string that ties my heart to yours.

I know you love me more than I can ever love you.
Do you know exactly how much I love you?

I know this all seems empty to you.
Empty words with empty letters in empty envelopes in empty post office in the empty city of my empty, non-existant heart. Right?
Right.
I am empty.
Without you.

I love you, this much, and much more.

23/09/08

The day you told me you always thought I would be the child closest to you, but I broke your heart by not being her. I hope you know - I love you, this much, and much more.

Draft #3

I slept about ten hours last night, yet the whole day my eyes have been sore and tired to the point that I dozed off while talking to people. The sleep in the long train rides did not satisfy them, nor the half-an-hour nap during a free period. It was worrying me so much that I actually went to a doctor. Obviously, he said there's nothing wrong with them. :S Its better to be safe than sorry. Once, an optometrist told me I don't cry enough, (He said my eyes should be wet more frequently.. but same thing.) and that's why my eyes are drier than normal people. LOL.

So anyway, I was at the library today, and there was this girl sitting next to me, who constantly kept glancing at my screen. Not that there was anything to look at. (:0) But it still violated my rights! I tried giving her the look, the smile, the fidgeting. She still kept glancing. So I started doing the same because chorer mon beshir bhag shomoy pulish pulish hoy. But she wasn't doing anything that should be dobbed about either. I got bored after a while.

Half way through reading Emma, now. Its not as bad as everyone makes it out to be, although Miss Bates can get quite tedious at times.

Meh. Eyes hurting again.

And it goes on

I was forced to retreat to my study table on a relaxable Friday night. I was so hopeful that I would get a bit of time to unwind on the net that I got really, really disappointed when I was told not to. What could I do? I couldn't study, I couldn't have fun at home, I couldn't go out since the place I live in is not very safe on Friday nights. That's when the idea struck me. Instead of lazing around and sulking about having too many problems and no solution or direction to my life, I could just come up with solutions. LOL.

So, I ripped out an A4 piece of paper from my hated Economics workbook which I hardly use anyway, and wrote away. My goal is to reach the goals by the 7th of Dec, 08. The actual goals are not to be discussed with anyone else, so I can't really publish them on a public blog. BUT, what I can say, is that, one of the goals are to do with school work. And the steps towards that is to do four hours of school work on weeknights and 8 hours on Saturdays. (note: school work = homework + assignments + making notes + reading over notes + studying for exams + practising speeches + anything else related to school)

The day after, aka the-first-Saturday-of-my-new-directed-life, I worked for 6 hours. Sunday, 2 hours. Monday, 2 hours. TUESDAY - 4 HOURS!

Today - zilch.

I had every intention of doing things today. I wrote up a list of things to do, stuck it in front of my nose and started going through them. Somehow, I got distracted again. Here I am. Procrastinating. While sister watches House. Life seriously succotashes.

By the way, I have to write a poem about a tabooed issue in society. Any ideas? Its supposed to be due tomorrow, but its just homework and I'm pretty sure most of the class won't do it by tomorrow.

Anyway, I have to retire to bed. Toodles!

Shiitaking it Out

Ok. So school starts tomorrow and I just looked at my check-list again. I've only finished a couple of things I planned to do... OUT OF LIKE. FIFTY!! Its really annoying because out the things I finished, I have to fix most of them up too. I have an English extension analytical essay tomorrow and I really don't think I am in an analysing mood right now. I probably won't be tomorrow either. Gosh! Succotash the test, Mr Simon, you edible-Asian-mushroom! Shiitake!

I mean, I love the book 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close' because its so full of truisms and cheesy statements in special attires. If I haven't told you the story before - here's the rundown: a nine-year-old boy, Oskar, too smart for his age, loses his father in the 9/11 incident. That makes him lose some brain cells too and he goes extremely crazy because he feels extremely lonely and guilty. He finds a clue to a puzzle that his dad told him to solve before he died and starts to work on it. In the end, he realises it wasn't even a clue. I know that doesn't sound great, but trust me, Jonathan Safran Foer can say it much better than I can!

Anyway, the point is, its such a good book that its almost too good to write an essay on. It can be analysed deeper and deeper everyday, and I really don't mind doing that, but what I am afraid of is Mr Simon. I've heard he's a great English teacher, but in the past, he rejected my ideas. I can't afford to get a low mark in this subject again. And I can't afford to drop it because I think I'll drop physics. And I can't drop both because its not possible to get a Higher School Certificate with only nine units. Unless I pick up extension 2 maths.

naahh.

I used to love Oskar. How can someone be so truthful and brilliant, right? Then I realised, he doesn't really know how to love. Like his mother said, he is very definitive. He can't understand in-betweens. Even gray is either black or white to him. He can't be real. Even if he is, he doesn't suit the reality I live in. Heck! 9-year-olds can't do all that anyway! But how old do you need to be to meet the criteria? 15? 20? What if that's not enough either?

Shiitake! I don't know what I'm talking about! I think this is the side effect of stressing out about tomorrow's exam. It seriously succotash-es!

Wandering Daughter

Haven't watched Juno yet, but have heard a lot about its soundtracks. So one fine morning I decided to listen to them. Most of the songs are composed and sung by Kimya Dawson. She has an absolutely adorable voice and the words are too captivating to not be looked up. The imagery is so creative and specific that it gets stuck in your brain. Anyway, so I got over her songs from Juno after about a month. Then I listened to another song yesterday, and fell in love with them again. Its called 'Wandering Daughter. Its about six minutes long, contains minimal music and lots and lots of wisdom and truth. The theme reminds me of 'traveller' and her innocent voice reminds of Dawud Wharnsby Ali.

Here it goes:

I am the wanderer's wandering daughter
wrestle the pestle for the sake of the mortar
i love as i breathe and leave as i live
my cast iron shield's a titanium sieve

and a castle that's built on confusion and doubt
is a nickel within and a dollar without
just when the shoes seem so big i can't win
i fill my own sneakers and take off again

i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
take all my pain and i mix it with water
it's sunny it's sweet and i don't purple stuff it
one day by the way i met little miss muffet

i blew my mind with the stuff that i taught her
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
i said if a spider should sit down beside you
tell him your name and then tell him the truth

a great hairy spider appeared there and then
and the holes in my soul started letting in wind
i felt like a lamb being led to the slaughter
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter

she said i'm miss muffet i'm very afraid
but something inside me is making me stay
i know deep down that if i run away
i'll just meet more spiders and still feel the same

the spider he smiled and said how is this true
when i am so terribly smaller than you?
my web it just went in the way the wind blew
what i was in for i hadn't a clue

he touched her face gently with six of his legs
and licked from her chin a speck of curds and whey
when i was certain they'd both be okay
i tightened my laces and i walked away

as i walked away i was feeling excluded
wishing my impulses weren't diluted
the muscle i hustle is real for my friends
but the muscle i keep for myself is pretend

i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
travel the land and i live like a martyr
the things that i do aren't the things that i teach
if i spend my time practicing when will i preach?

i do what i must as you do what you oughta
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
take all my pain and mix it with water
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter

i'm lost and alone and i'm fair and i'm free
you am what you is and i are who i be
what i'm lacking in strength i make up for in smarts
you keep your stability i'll keep my heart

fear finds october emotions are juices
beat around bushes and make up excuses
go out for ceruleans come home with chartreuses
snip and cut bonsais and turn them to spruces

miss muffet called me and she said don't cry
real friends are friends until after they die
still i romanticize all this disorder
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
hop the next bus and run for the border
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
give you my life if you give me a quarter
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter

so long it's been good to know ya
so long it's been good to know ya
so long it's been good to know ya
i've got to be moving along

An extremely clever piece of work :D

In the midst of my heart

Happiness doesn't play a part.
All is evil, all the dark
Thoughts entangled in a spark.
Endless lies have made their way

Yonder, shading me in grey,
Over and over again,
Ushering inside, the pain.

p.s.: See, just because I use cheats, sometimes, doesn't mean I'm not smart!

p.p.s: I'm not an emo!!

p.p.p.s: This was not intended for anyone.

Draft #2

warning: I may sound like a little emo kid at times. ITS OK. I think my life is as important as a grain of sand in Sahara. (refer to Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer)

There are two types of people in my life right now.

1. The good, honest beings who look out for others, or rather, look out for me, because anything will happen at any time and I will be doomed forever.

2. The people that I should look out for, who will ruin my life because they are so influential with their bad qualities.

শব্দাশ্রু

শব্দগুলো গলার কাছাকাছি
কান্না হয়ে বন্দী হয়ে থাকে,
চারিদিকে নেই কোন পথ, তারা
ঠায় দাঁড়িয়ে নিজের মৃত্যু আঁকে।
চোখে চোখে মৃত্যু আঁকা শেষে,
উঠলো সবাই জীবন সিঁড়ি বেয়ে;
হাতটা চেপে, শক্ত করে চোয়াল,
ধীর পায়ে যায় শব্দ ছেলে মেয়ে।
গলার দেয়াল, নাকের শিরা ফেলে
নিজেকে নেয় শব্দ ঠেলে ঠেলে,
ঘাম জমে যায় কোঁকড়া চুলের ডগায়,
মৃত্যু প্ল্যানে নতুন জীবন জাগায়!
যেই না তারা মানব চোখের কুঠোয়
দাঁড়ালো, স্তব্ধতায়, কঠিন মুঠোয়,
কোন এক শব্দ বন্দীনি বুড়ি
ঢেলে দিলো নিজের জীবন ঝুড়ি।
একে একে শব্দ ছোট বড়
মৃত্যানন্দে উঠলো ভীষন মেতে
সবাই হলো ব্যস্ত বিস্বর্জনে
তোর অশ্রু হবার অদ্ভুত স্বাদ পেতে।

Rainshine

আজ মেঘে মেঘে রঙধনুর আসল মর্ম বুঝতে পেরেছি বিকাল চারটার দিকে। মন খারাপের ঠেলায় যখন ট্রেনের জানালা দিয়ে চোখ বের করে মেঘের ওপর রাখলাম, তখন। গত কয়েকদিনের বৃষ্টির পর সূর্য্য উঠেছিলো, আর স্পষ্ট সাতটা রঙের ছোট্ট এক টুকরো রঙধনু বের হয়েছিলো। আমার দুটো সীট পেছনে একটা বাঙালি মহিলা তার স্বামীকে বেনিআসহকলার ইংরেজী শেখাচ্ছিলো। 'স্কাইব্লু...ইয়েলো..', 'আ-তো স্কাইব্লু-ই হবে, না?'

মেঘগুলোও কেমন যেন কাব্যিক ভাব নিয়ে বসে ছিলো। আর মনে হচ্ছিলো আসলেই আগুন ঝরে ঝরে পড়ছে। মাঝে মাঝে রঙধনুটা মেঘের পেছনে হারিয়ে যাচ্ছিলো আর আমার ঘুম ঘুম চোখ নির্ঘুম হয়ে সেটাকে খুঁজে বেড়াচ্ছিলো। তারপর খুঁজে পাওয়ার একটু পরেই আবার হারিয়ে ফেলছিলো।

আজকে অংক পরীক্ষার আগে মনে হচ্ছিলো আমি খারাপ ছাত্রীদের দলে ঢুকে পড়েছি। পরীক্ষার কয়েক ঘন্টা আগে কনফিউশনে ভুগি, অথচ কনফিউশনটা আমাকে অত চিন্তিত করছিলো না। আরও বিরক্তিকর ব্যাপার হচ্ছে, আমি এবার পড়াশুনা করেছিলাম টেস্টটার জন্য। তার একটাই অর্থ: আমার মগজ দলা পাকানো কাগজে ভর্তি হয়ে ইন্টেলেকচুয়ালিটির চুমুর অভাবে ঘুমুচ্ছে। কিন্তু সেটাকে জাগাবো কিভাবে বুঝতে পারছি না। জাগাতে খুব ইচ্ছে করছে, কিন্তু অলসতার জন্য উপায় খুঁজেও বের করতে পারছি না।

Evilness, (and niceness too)

My train rides are becoming increasingly amusing lately. Certain girls are trying to avoid my eyes, even though I know that they know that I know they are there. They also know, or rather, should know that I know what they are up to. I have dropped several hints here and there which would only be completely missed by either blind or incredibly stupid people. Since all of them are neither, it is naturally quite hard to be convinced that they don't know that I know. Another reason behind the fact that I also know that they know is that they added me on Facebook and I regularly talk to them about Facebook and they should know that they have put up pictures and I have eyes.

Sorry for being foggy and vague, but it goes against my standards to be otherwise.

Oh, the other other girl put me on limited profile, so I can't see her pictures any more. I would think that the girl and the other girl would be smarter, but apparently not!

Its amazing, girls without veils seem to be the ones behind veils.

Then there are the three year seven children, who are still children. No matter how many times I try to make it clear that they are being immature, without stepping out of my vagueness, they just do not get the point. They take one observation and twist it until it becomes another, then, start playing with it. Its annoying.

I saw D after a long time today. She hasn't changed at all, which is also quite annoying, because you expect everyone to change a little every day. It has been forty eight days since I last saw her, so she should have changed in forty eight ways. I understand that they can be very trivial, but if she changed at all, I would have noticed at least one out of forty eight, right?

My sister is leaving me in seven days. I'll miss that girl.

I miss a lot of people.

"Blue-eyed sun shines on me
In the morning
Can't help but feel a little cold
Thinking of you"'

[This song reminds me of dead people. I blame Home and Away's Music Director for it. Why did they have to put this song on when Sally died (supposedly)? ]

Draft #1

My train rides are becoming increasingly amusing lately. Certain girls are trying to avoid my eyes, even though I know that they know that I know they are there. They also know, or rather, should know that I know what they are up to. I have dropped several hints here and there which would only be completely missed by either blind or incredibly stupid people. Since all of them are neither, it is naturally quite hard to be convinced that they don't know that I know. Another reason behind the fact that I also know that they know is that they added me on Facebook and I regularly talk to them about Facebook and they should know that they have put up pictures and I have eyes.

Sorry for being foggy and vague, but it goes against my standards to be otherwise.

Oh, the other other girl put me on limited profile, so I can't see her pictures any more. I would think that the girl and the other girl would be smarter, but apparently not!

Then there are the three year seven children, who are still children. No matter how many times I try to make it clear that they are being immature, without stepping out of my vagueness, they just do not get the point. They take one observation and twist it until it becomes another, then, start playing with it. Its annoying.

I saw D after a long time today. She hasn't changed at all, which is also quite annoying, because you expect everyone to change a little every day. It has been forty eight days since I last saw her, so she should have changed in forty eight ways. I understand that they can be very trivial, but if she changed at all, I would have noticed at least one out of forty eight, right?

My pen pal has not responded since... since (checking)... two days ago. Why does it feel like a whole week?

Day After Today

Do I look seventeen? Do I sound seventeen? Do I behave seventeen? Would I deserve to be seventeen tomorrow?

s-e-v-e-n-t-e-e-n

nah... doesn't seem like lamz at all.

E-i-g-h-t-h Avril Shunno 8

"I've been awake for a while now
You got me feeling like a child now"

Too many things are happening in my life lately and I haven't had the time or the space to sort them out for the past few weeks. My self esteem went up by a mile yesterday, then it decided to plummet down again. I feel like I don't deserve this place, they are much better than I am. The rush of happiness that I felt yesterday is gone somewhere far away. It was an achievement, yes, a little success that I needed for myself, but it wasn't enough to last me through today. I just feel so ashamed, to think that being a maths genius is possible for a normal person, yet I am not even close to alright in physics. I think my brain is proportionally smaller than the rest of humanity.

Aaah.. brains...

"দলা পাকানো কাগজ ও চুমোয় ভরা মগজ নিয়ে ঘুমোও,



I miss Marisa a lot, but I think I'm getting closer to my new friends now. I was feeling so helpless and they made my day a little bit brighter. Risa would still be my best friend, but I think these friends would be good ones too. I felt a little deceived today, though I know I shouldn't have, because it wasn't their fault. But that incident made me feel a bit less helpless about myself. I mean, if they can do things well because they are being spoon-fed, and I can do some of them well even when I'm not being spoon-fed and not trying my best, then maybe, if I try a little, I can do just as well, right?

I realised that fakeness is a common trait in most girls. So, I decided to hide myself under a cover too. Who needs to know how I really feel anyway? (hehe.. I just realised how emo that sounds.. but I'M NOT AN EMO TEEN.. RELAX!!)

I also realised that some people have this really annoying habit of judging people on any trivial issue.

'Cause every time I see your bubbly fa-a-ace
I get the tinglies in a silly place"

How can someone have a bubbly fa-a-ace anyway??

"...The rain is falling on my window pane..."

...And the clouds were way too beautiful again today. My bad mood just vanished somewhere when I saw them. And the weather was going completely crazy. One moment, the rain pattered on the roof, next, sun shone on the grass. Next, both together. It was actually sun showering this morning! The raindrops were so soft, I felt like standing right in the middle of the action, but was embarrassed to do it in a public place, so I just walked, very, very slowly.

"...মেঘের বেগে রেগে গিয়ে অসম্ভবের সম্ভাবনা ড্রিমাও,..."

I know I don't have the words to describe the beauty I laid my eyes upon today, neither for the dismay I felt at 2 pm, and I know I will forget them soon, but they were worth experiencing. They remind me that I'm still a human and I still have lots and lots of room for improvement.

"...তাও না হলে কাওকে বলে বিষন্নতার ছলে বসে ঝিমাও,..."

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth."

Still looking... still looking... still...


"...বা অন্য কিছু ধন্য করার আশায় মাথায় চিন্তা ঠাসা থামাও।"

Ugh... life!

Too much work makes Lamz a dull girl. I think I'm turning into a robot. I have no entertainment besides 10 minutes of Bold and the Beautiful, half an hour of Being Ian, lame posts in Somewherein... and the rare message or email from my best friend. I am being deprived of sleep. I am walking a lot but not loosing weight because I tend to eat when I am stressed and I get stressed a lot lately. Here is a list of stressful objects that are currently hammering the inside of my head:
1. Train travel: Although the 3-hour-journey is starting to get interesting, it is still very long. In the morning, I try to read Critical Lives - Muhammad, but my eyes refuse to conform to my wishes. It is a very interesting book. I read chapters each day in the holidays, but its taking me days to finish just one.
2. Embarrassing moment with Debating teacher: needless to explain.
3. Homework: For a girl who did not bother to listen to her teachers most of the past two years, this is a big change. I am up to date with most of my work. I am proud to say that I stayed up until 11.45 one night, finishing maths. :D [Right now I am half-way through English homework and taking a (long) break.]
4. Physics: She is so annoying! She is so annoying! She is so annoying! She ruins the physicisticity of physics. She is so annoying!
5. Physics: The work takes time to get through the layers of dumbness and daydreams in my brain.
6. Why do I have to justify everything I do? Can't I just DO things?
7. I got told that I'm not getting a V Day card (by a girl, in a jocular manner). The reason is very trivial, but its getting to me.
8. I thought I got a bit organised, but I realised I did not. That was just excitement of starting a new school.

There are many more. But my brain is too jammed for it to allow me to sort it out. I hate hearing people scream, cry or pose insults. I know I am being unfair to many of my closest ones, but I just can't help it right now. 'Irresponsible', 'disorganised' and 'kicchu parbana' Lamz is back.

When Emus get bored...

Spell your first name backwards: ytizmal
The story behind your msn name: the first one was named after patterns on my socks. The current one has no story - 'tis plain old lamzity's plain old real name.
Where do you live?: House 44
3 words that sum you up:
{DESCRIBE YOUR}-
wallet: RED, with too little space for my too many cards
hairbrush: It's pink.
jewellery you wear daily: nothing
pillow cover: It changes, i don't know what's on right now.
shoes: 600 taka worth of sandals from Bangladesh - yup that's what I've been wearing for 2 years!
CD in stereo right now: Nazeel's Dunyia
what you are wearing now: Black and white kamiz and jeans
hair: out; it's black, with lots of splits.
what's In your mouth: nothin'! Why do I always get suspected??
what's in your head: Emu's craziness
Some of your favorite movies: I have loads.
Something you're looking forward to: Something that might or might not happen sometime soon.
The last thing you ate?: Bhat
Something that you are deathly afraid of?: Cockroaches
Do you like candles: Yes.
Do you believe in a thing called love: Yes.
Do you believe in soul mates: Um... I guess?
Do u belive in love at first sight?: Nope.
Do you believe in forgiveness?: Yes, but it seems too hard to put into practise.
Any animal you could have for a pet would be?: A trained kitten that would stay a trained kitten forever!
What are 3 places you wouldn't mind relocating to?: The mansion we used to live in in BD (:'() and... um..
What are some of your favourite pig-out foods?: Cho-co-la-te
What's something you wish you could understand better?: Myself.
Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time?: My cousins in BD
In the last 24 hours have you?...
Cried: Yes. a lot.
Gotten sick: Um.. nope.
Sang: In the privacy of my room and the bathroom.
Eaten: haha.. I eat every hour.
Felt stupid: Ooh yes. I feel stupid every hour too.
Hugged someone: Mummy
Wanted to tell someone you loved them: Not really.
Met someone new: Yes! I only met her about twenty minutes ago!
Talked to someone you have a crush on: Hahaha... (@ Emu's answer)
Fought with your parents: yeah... I seem to do that a lot lately.
been centre of attention or the wallflower: Yes, last night at dinner.
Do you like being around people?: Depends on the people.
Who do you argue the most with?: Whoever wants to pick a fight!
Who do you always get along with?: My janu aka 'puni aka apuni
Who has the coolest siblings?: Moi
Who is the smartest?: Definitely not the person who made this quiz
Who is your Hero?: hiru? what is hiru? fatima can't think of any hiru now, her brother's life is at stake! :P :P
Who has a crush on Samantha?: No one that I know of.

Realisation

My realisation always dawns upon me with amateur poetic words.

"I've been through it before, yet it feels somewhat new,
Though I keep wanting more, I know my days are few.
The promises I made are broken without cause;
My future tarries laid - I'm stepping into loss."


:D... 'tis a great work of art, don't you think?

Last etcs

Ichigo Ichi E!!! from Emu's blog. By the way, what on earth is Ichigo Ichi E?

Last Cigarette: About two years ago, when I was dared by my 10 year old cousins. It was a taka worth of puffs, followed by two taka worth of ice-cream to get rid of the stink. Don't ask.
Last Alcoholic Drink: Haven't had any since I was born
Last Car Ride: Coming home after our mischievous calls
Last Kiss: Was it Amira or Salman... hmm... either way - from some cutie.
Last Good Cry: don't recall either
Last Library Book: To kill a Mockingbird
Last book bought: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Last Movie Seen in Theatres: This, I cannot tell - way too embarrassing! I was forced in and didn't watch half of it. However, I can proudly say that the one before that was Pirates 3.
Last Movie Rented: Do not rent. I only borrow from others. Much cheaper, don't you think?
Last Cuss Word Uttered: Probably the S word. Trying to get rid of it.
Last Baverage Drank: Water.
Last Food Consumed: Jorda. Orange rice like substance with nuts.
Last Crush: Hmm... cannot disclose.
Last Phone Call: I am sure Flynn can tell you all about that. :P
Last TV Show Watched: Friends. I was bored.
Last Time Showered: Umm.
Last Shoes Worn: Black sandals with too little of heels.
Last CD Played: Do not use CDs anymore.
Last Item Bought: A top, I think.
Last Download: Some song from Esnips.
Last Annoyance: Faisal and Salman fighting and crying over trivial issues.
Last Disappointment: Not being able to reach Ms Z on phone
Last Soda Drank: Coke
Last Thing Written: Emu's phone number for a very, very important cause.
Last Words Spoken: 'kotha bolbe'. hehehe... repeating Ma's words to Baba.
Last Sleep: 4 hours ago
Last Ice Cream Eaten: Forgot
Last Chair Sat In: sitting in computer chair right now
Last Webpage Visited: Emu's blog

Entertaining Experiences

Though the girls are virtually dead right now, it is absolutely necessary for me to share my little telephone encounter with Emu and Flynn. I have to say, I might try it again, just to hear the confusion in the victim's voice. I knew it would be good, but things turned out to be better than expected. I will never forget this day - it was just too hilarious!

Well, we went to a house with lots of little kids just to pay an Eid visit, but being so close to the family, Ma wanted to stay there for a long time. There were three aunties, about twenty kids and us - three innocent, bored, young girls. We had lunch and hung around for a while, when 'the idea' hit Sum's head. It didn't exactly hit it then, it was there long before as they tried something similar on me that very morning. I am proud to say I was not fooled too much and easily figured out who the perpetrators were. By the time we got into the action, one of them left.. yeah, it was a shame. Would have been much more fun with Rad.

We planned the whole situation about seven times before deciding on a final one. Then I called Baba and found out Emu's home number and wrote it down with shaking hands. It felt too evil to be true, but hey, that's what boredom does to you. The numbers were also pressed with shaking hands. Then we waited. Eagerly.

Emu picked up. I masked my voice in some kind of Indian accent and asked for 'sister Emu'. Her response was positive, so, I carried on. I explained that my family was a new migrant from Fiji. I got her number from Ish and I wanted her to marry my imaginary depressed brethren. At one point, I could not stop laughing and had to hand the phone to sis to carry on. This happened a few times, but we still managed to fool the Martian. After a lot of 'negotiation' (seeing that I live in Rockdale!), she suggested that we meet at a GJ not far away from her house. This was getting way too funny. Anyway, we hung up and called back to confess it was just us. Apperantly, miss Emu was 'sure' it was us and was about to call us right then!

That was just one of them. Rad was present for the other one and she laughed her head off every time Flynn said something. We went by the same identity and insisted that she was the perfect one for the depressed guy. We had a different, yet, all the more amusing, conversation, and I even succeeded to make her talk to Mr J (this was also played by a girl, for all those cautious kids out there). It sort of started to fall apart near the end, so we decided to reveal our identity. She could not guess who we were even with ten guesses. Therefore, it became our duty to fill in the clueless girl. Yes, she was surprised.

We called Ms Z, sis of Rad, too. But, she wasn't home and of all the people, her hubby picked up. Nevertheless, we kept it cool and innocently told him to pass on the message. She would be waiting for a call from Ms Fatima from Rockdale. Oh well, opens up possibilities for the rest of us, right?

Revived... and Returned

It has been an awfully long time since I last posted, but I am back again and do intend to stay for a while. This is one of the pathetic ways I am planning to spend my much awaited holiday in order to not be bored out of my brains, even though I don't think I will get a reader any time soon. As far as I know, all of you girls fled this land long time ago. Oh what the heck... this is a free country and I refuse to be pressured into leaving for good!

(Oh my God... oh my Merciful Great Lord! I just checked the date in my last entry.. and... man what a coincidence! The last time I wrote in here was exactly a year ago - December 11th! I swear I did not do this on purpose.)

So many things happened in the past year - it would not be fair to sum it all up in one tiny post. I have had people entering and leaving my life and bonds strengthened and broken. Well, I guess all of them contributed their part in building me up. By the way, apparently, I have become a bit more organised this year, but not enough to last me through the rest of high school. Will make an effort to be better.

So, currently, I have three blogs and one facebook to maintain. Will it work? Or will I ditch this one again? Find out... after the break.

Update: LamZity

Its been too long to stay away from the blogging world, so I'm back again! Ramadan was really good for me this year, I enjoyed it. Everything was going smooothly and I was feeling almost completely serene. This feeling, however, went away as soon as the month hit its end :(. So now I am back to myself... messy... disorganised... sad-lifed girl.

One good news though: I was selected to be a peer support leader for next year. That means I'll get to boss the year 7s around as much as I like...lol. We are getting our badges soon inshaallah. But it sort of is a lot of hassle, coming to school early... lunchtimes booked up.. leaving late. But I think it will push me to be a bit more organised.

All three of the Amin sisters are now wedded!! Hopefully we will have their wedding parties here again **hint** **hint**. This year has been filled with weddings! I didn't mind it though. Enjoying while I can. I have a feeling this season will take a break now. No weddings for a long time again :(.

Everyone's stopping blogging now. 'Tis so boring here nowadays. Hope to have you all back. DAGGERS: no excuses for you now!!

Holidays are coming up. Pray for me. I need a complete revolution in my organisational skills and time management skills :((!

BACK-NESS

Its been so long since I logged in... I almost forgot my password! Since everyone decided to re-activate themselves I just thought why not! So.. here I am.. (don't go away now)..

Next update: hopefully after Ramadan

Until then: HAVE A GREAT RAMADAN!!

buzzz

KNOCK KNOCK
HOW R U ALL?

Finding Myself

I see a mirror hung in that wall
But I don't think its working well,
i stoof infront and tried to look -
I tripped over, the mirror fell.

I see the water in the sea
But I don't think its very clear
When I leaned and tried to look
The wave splashed it away from here

I got a spoon and held it close
My breath steamed the surface, so,
I wiped it clean right away
But the spoon dropped to the floor

I can't see myself anywhere
I asked for help from the wise
Look within your heart, he said,
And that, I think sure would suffice.

11/04/06

My New Fascination....>

Robert Frost was one amazing guy. The first poem i read of him was A Road Not Taken and I absulutely LOVED it. This is another poem by him that i liked.

Asking for Roses

A house that lacks, seemingly, mistress and master,

With doors that none but the wind ever closes,

Its floor all littered with glass and with plaster;

It stands in a garden of old-fashioned roses.

I pass by that way in the gloaming with Mary; '

I wonder,' I say, 'who the owner of those is.'

'Oh, no one you know,' she answers me airy,

'But one we must ask if we want any roses.'

So we must join hands in the dew coming coldly

There in the hush of the wood that reposes,

And turn and go up to the open door boldly,

And knock to the echoes as beggars for roses.

'Pray, are you within there, Mistress Who-were-you?'

'Tis Mary that speaks and our errand discloses.

'Pray, are you within there? Bestir you, bestir you!

'Tis summer again; there's two come for roses.

'A word with you, that of the singer recalling--

Old Herrick: a saying that every maid knows is

A flower unplucked is but left to the falling,

And nothing is gained by not gathering roses.'

We do not loosen our hands' intertwining

(Not caring so very much what she supposes),

There when she comes on us mistily shining

And grants us by silence the boon of her roses.