Introspection

Things have improved greatly since my last post. Although I'm still quite sick, I have had a good amount of sleep, have eaten reasonably healthily and have been drinking a lot of water. So, physically, I feel much, much better. My emotions have also been sorted out. So, right now, I am a happy chappy little girl again. Alhamdulillah. :D

I did a MBTI questionnaire last night. In layman's term - this basically classifies you as one of sixteen types of personalities. Each type has specific traits. Although this test is a very basic one, (and there are several paid tests that you can do) it gave me some useful insights. Interestingly, I got the same result as I got 4 months ago. And as this blog testifies to a certain degree, my life has changed quite a bit over these 4 months. So, I expected to get something different, but I didn't. I also searched up my email to see whether I got different results in the past years.

In 2010, March and July - I got ENFP. This year, June, I was ISFP. Last night, I got ISFP again. Right now, I did another one and got ESFP. I know my introversion and extroversion is at a pretty similar level most of the time, so I'm not surprised at the change in E and I. And as I was discussing with a friend last night, knowing myself, swinging between N and S seems to be quite possible too. I have never really thought about it too much before. But last night, I realised, having different personality traits from the people around you cause a whole lot of clashes. Knowing your own self and knowing the traits of others can help in dealing with people. What seems frustrating at one stage becomes easier to handle, or at least, think about, when you know why something is happening. Your relationships would also become easier to handle when you learn to accept the traits of people you love. Instead of trying to change them, you would find it easier to conceptualise the idea of learning from them. Since you would know that certain things tick them off, it would be easier for you to tell yourself to learn to avoid doing those. So, friends and family who get on your nerves, but whom you love, would become much easier to deal with if you 'know' them well enough.

I found this photo yesterday on Facebook. It seemed to have articulated my thoughts on relationships quite well. My theory is: God brings you the right person at the right time. So, if the right person comes at the wrong time, things may not work out easily. Also, if the wrong person comes at the right time, things may not work out easily either. Sometimes, we get so caught up by the ways that society defines us, that we lose perspective of who we really are. So, a bengali girl who nears the age of thirty would be much more willing to 'settle' for a guy who she may not have considered before, because society is telling her the right time is passing her by. Also, two sixteen year olds, who perfectly complement each other, might be brushed off from getting into a long term relationship, by adults, because society is telling them they can't be in one.

I see relationships as being on a different timeline to professional commitments. I find the idea of 'waiting to graduate to get married' quite ridiculous. I also find the idea of choosing between being married and having a career quite ridiculous too. We are multidimensional creatures - we can handle more than one thing on our plates! We just need to find the right combination. So, you can't run away from one to the other. Ideally, each part of your life should complement the other parts. Hence, I don't like the idea of thinking of oneself as 'incomplete' until the right person comes at the right time. You are potentially as complete as you can possibly get at this particular moment. Everything in life can be a blessing and test. Thus, a relationship not necessarily would complete the 'you' that you are at this point (if you're not in one). However, at the right time, it will.

On another note - I am loving Regina Spektor. Her lyrics are very accurate in upholding an image of an idea.

This is how it works:
You're young until you're not;
You love until you don't;
You try until you can't.
You laugh until you cry,
You cry until you laugh.
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath.

This is how it works:
You peer inside yourself,
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you don't.
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some-
Someone else's heart,
Pumping someone else's blood.
And walking arm in arm,
You hope it don't get harmed.
But even if it does,
You'll just do it all again.

Eet

My body is in one of those haywire moments. I am stuffed with caffeine, milk and a few spoons of honey, along with a whole lot of junk food from yesterday. I have a headache, a runny nose, sore throat, stomach ache and some muscle pains. Lack of sleep for the past hours, plus the next few hours will probably lead to a complete collapse sometime soon. I have also gone through several epiphanies and a mixture of emotions for the past five days, leading to further haywiring of myself. So, if I were you, I'd stay away from me for a while. People like me can end up with a permanent head damage long before PhD is even dreamed of.

I wish quick fixes lasted longer.

Drama everywhere.

This blog has bore my thoughts since I was fourteen years old. I am now twenty one. If anyone wants to stalk my mind or carry out a psychoanalysis, this would be the place to start (and possibly end). I am generally very careful not to give out personal details, so if anyone wants to physically stalk me, they would be disappointed. As opposed to physical stalking, mental stalking has some advantages. Especially for a lost person like me, who still hasn't figured herself out, it helps when someone else observes and interprets myself for me. It also helps in keeping myself transparent. Sure, there are certain thoughts that I'd rather not expose to daylight, but I generally put out most thoughts here. So, if I happen to be a psychopath, somebody, someday, hopefully, will tell me.

Yesterday, at the end of another dramatic day, I realised how much I have changed in terms of accepting drama. In fact, it was only on the 11th of August that I posted about being 'dramia', and I remember liking being le Dramia. I remember liking drama for as long as I can remember - it spices up life. Yesterday, I realised, I don't find drama as amusing as I used to. I think its because I can now see the consequences of crossing limits. Every word and every action will be accounted for, somehow. In saying that, I don't think we should run away from drama if it falls upon us, either. It must be dealt with, but isn't as enjoyable as it used to be in the past. There goes my possible career path of being a marriage counsellor. Or any sort of counsellor. (And counsellors differ from psychologists. Look it up).

I have also recently taken an interest in politics. I am still only beginning to touch the surface, hence, I cannot understand intricate details of a lot of things yet. But, compared to the average human being, you can say I am no longer apolitical. It actually is very hard to be such a person in our current world. I lost faith in mainstream media a long time ago, and recent events are furthering my stance. However, it seems like no one can be trusted any more, when it comes to politics. Every single statement is an opinion, so, must be taken with a pinch of salt. In fact, there are so many opinions that are being thrown around from left, right and centre, opinions from people with very little knowledge, I am beginning to doubt the future of humanity (not really). Don't get me wrong - I love listening to people's opinions. But it gets problematic when they are based on incorrect or skewed information, or when they come from people who are opinionated just for the sake of being opinionated.

So, drama in the outside world and inside (?) world has led me to conclude a few things:
- Hardly anything surprises me these days.
- Being articulate, assertive, truthful and wise are the most important four aspects of communication.
- Being judgemental comes back and bites you in the backside.
- The more I know, the more I know how less I know.

In other news:
- I am now the proud owner of a coffee maker. I managed to go without coffee today. It does not feel awesome, but I think my body needs some detoxification.
- There are less than 2 months left till this semester finishes, including exams!
- I have started 365 photos again! This time - through instagram. My username is lamzity. Follow me if you like! (Nothing much to stalk here either).
- I have gone into a new plan which gives me free texting, and a greater downloading limit. But there are no free calls. So get ready to be text trolled by me. Constantly.
- Z got her first haircut today!
- I joined a gym! I have entered it once, to get my card et al. I am yet to start exercising.
- I wish I had some form of a Pensieve. 

53. The Star

When something is complex, yet simple, we call it beautiful. My mathematician friends call maths 'beautiful', but I don't usually see it, because I never stopped to think about the layers in mathematics. I just wrote the steps as they were taught, and that was enough for me. I have used it to describe visually complex things though (as most people do). For example, sunsets have always been beautiful to me. The way the world seems to slow down, the way the colours change gradually, yet, right before your eyes, that nostalgia you feel in your heart - that's what makes it 'beautiful'. So I suppose, beauty lies in the way something makes you feel. It lies in the complications which excite your emotions. Things that you cannot exactly put your finger on at the first go, but eventually realise that it all makes sense.

What made me think about beauty today is a chapter from the Quran - chapter 53. For a few days, I have been feeling very distracted when I try to engage in spiritual practices. I know why and when this happens. I need my feet planted right on the ground and also reach for the sky in order to grow properly. I think I have been floating around way too much and haven't stopped to put things in perspective. Its important to understand the purpose behind everything that you do and to be convinced that whatever you are doing is going to be of some use in order for you to completely 'want' to do it. So, since my head has been everywhere, I did not have my purposes set out in front of me, which led me to feel distracted.

So, my realisation is this: whenever you 'read' something, its not enough to just 'read' it. You must understand it, have a picture in your head and do something with it. If you don't, then either, whatever you're reading isn't worth it, or, you are not fulfilling the purpose of reading it. Given this premise, when it comes to the Quran, you are not giving it justice if you are just 'reading' it without understanding it. Although, there are blessings in everything about the Quran, including just reciting it. But, the Quran's purpose extends beyond recitation. Some level of understanding must be derived from it in order to even attempt at fulfilling its purpose.

The more you understand the Quran, the more 'beautiful' it would seem. There are verses in there that are easy to understand. Verses that provide comfort without you having to think about it twice. But, when you do think about it twice, it provides more comfort. There are verses that would apparently seem to go on in a logical progression, but when you think about them, you can see the logic. There are verses that make absolutely no sense when you read them at first. But when you look into them, you can see how coherent they are with the overall message and the context. For me, this particular chapter was like that. When I first read it, it seemed very similar to a lot of other chapters. A lot of familiar ideas seemed to be just placed together.

But here's the story: Muhammad (pbuh) came to a society which was at the pinnacle of moral decline. Any talk of morality that didn't comply with the society was faced with open ridicule. Since the message of Islam was starkly different to the prevalent ideas, the prophet invited people secretly for the first five years. (Although, oppression already started in Makkah, and some people migrated to Abyssinia (Ethiopia) because of it.) These verses were the first verses to be announced publicly. After he finished reciting them, majority of the people in the gathering fell to prostration, believers and disbelievers. The words were so eloquent, that even those who did not believe were shook up with them.

The chapter begins with defending Muhammad (pbuh). I find it amazing that God of the entire universe revealed verses to comfort and defend a man. And those verses, although it was meant for him at that time, are still there, and the Quran is for us, so, those verses are actually for us now. Allah knows how frustrating life can get when you are trying to do the right thing against all odds. It goes on to refute some other arguments of the disbelievers. The refutations work on their premises, not the premises set by the speaker. This is interesting, because, its a good reminder to us to work from where other people are, speak their language. When someone is passionate about a cause, its so easy to get carried away in their own little world, disregarding whether anything is absorbed by the listener or not. Another very interesting thing mentioned is the fact that arguments must be based on solid knowledge, not assumptions. This is just one of the many places in which Islam encourages seeking knowledge, being aware of reality, facing the truth; not hide away in our little boxes in pseudo comfort.

"Those who avoid the major sins and immoralities, only [committing] slight ones. Indeed, your Lord is vast in forgiveness. He was most knowing of you when He produced you from the earth and when you were fetuses in the wombs of your mothers. So do not claim yourselves to be pure; He is most knowing of who fears Him." (53:32)

I found this verse very interesting because it appeals to our core, the innermost selves in us. The fact that Allah knows us. The fact that we can't hide away, at all, we can't lie to Him, and no matter what happens, in the end, its between Him and every single person, individually. The following verses reinforce this.

The bit that actually led me to take an interest in the entire surah is this:

"And that it is He who makes [one] laugh and weep." (53:43)

Just yesterday, I was feeling very annoyed with myself. I had no idea (except for a tiny bit, maybe) why, and since I had very little idea, I couldn't do anything to get rid of the feeling. And I realised, people are absolutely helpless. You can take a thousand measures, but, there is no guarantee that you will stop feeling a certain way. And if you want to get rid of some negative feeling, the best you can do is make dua. At the end of the day He is the only one with complete control over what's in your heart.

The surah goes on to mention other points in which we actually are completely helpless at, then Allah poses the question - which of these favours can we doubt. That's the thing. If we accept everything we have in life as favours, if we can change our attitude so that the results don't annoy us, so that we can truly know in our hearts that every single thing that happens happens for a reason, we would be happy. And at the same time, knowing that Allah alone can bring justice, Allah alone will bring justice, to us and to others, makes you extremely scared and comforted, at the same time. And while you are at the height of emotions, Allah ends the chapter with the command of prostration.

That was a very short run down of the chapter, a very short and shallow run down. Yet, the fact that so many people fell to prostration to God after listening to this makes sense to me. Because, the basic ideas in itself are amazing. Now, adding layers of meanings that would be added due to the language and a more detailed version than the watered down summary, would make it beyond perfection. It would truly have been 'beautiful' - something that you can't quite put your fingers on, but something that makes sense.

Interesting people

I bumped into SD yesterday at Central. SD went to high school #2 with me, and just like most of my classmates from high school #2, I never got to know her too well. I can't remember ever having an one-to-one conversation that lasted more than five minutes. But yesterday, we had more than half an hour's worth of solid public transport time with each other. We had an interesting conversation going on - jumping from a lengthy discussion about which field of psychology we want to work in to what sort of guy we are look for to how we want to bring up our kids. One of the things we both agreed on was that neither of us want to work full time while we bring up children. You are moulding a generation when you bring up a child, and if you can help it, you do not want to make the same mistakes as you see around you. She said she wished she wrote down every thought while growing up, so that she remembers what its like. I was thinking, thank God for my blog, numerous diaries and bits and pieces of paper from my teen years. I look through those things sometimes, and even now (even though I am neither married nor a mother) I cannot feel the emotions I felt five years back. But at least they are there, emotions and events are documented. I love the idea of capturing moments so that we can look back on these and learn something from it.

I talked to two more people over the past few days - both about sixteen years of age. Both of them had very interesting thoughts, and probably felt like people didn't listen to them enough because of their age. One of them was from my scripture class. Her father grew up in Tunisia, got kicked out of the country at a young age because he wanted justice, travelled around Arab and ended up in Europe, met her mum while she was studying in an university in France, got married, had kids, came to Australia, went to Medina, came back to Australia. She is a very intelligent, mature young woman who is attuned with the reality of both the world and her life (mostly the world). She loves studying politics - her energy shows in the way her eyes light up when she talks about her ideas. She is also very sure about her ideas and she makes decisions based on surety. This increased my respect for her exponentially. I am about five years older than her, and I still don't have my life sorted out. I am still fumbling with life, trying to figure out where I should be going, trying to understand the world situation and unsure about where I stand with my viewpoints.

The other person that I talked to fascinated me with the clarity of her thoughts as well. She has some very unusual health conditions. She was talking to me about the way her body felt, her thoughts, her interactions with others and the changes that occurred. I was amazed at her ability to express her emotions in a way that I understood, but also in a way in which she did not feel violated. That is an amazing skill that I am yet to master, because most of the time, I don't have my emotions sorted out enough in my head. She also had a surprising level of manners. I actually felt quite rude because I was checking my phone quite frequently because I was running late.

And then there's Sum. Sum, the other sixteen year old (and the most important one) in my life, graduated yesterday. I saw her grow up from an annoying six year old smartass who knew way too much for her own good (not really, she just knew more than me, which annoyed me. :P), to a beautiful young woman. As she described it, she is indeed my 'sister in all but blood' and one of my closest friends. Its nice to know what she's thinking, and its nice to let her know what I'm thinking. I shall not talk too much about you in this space since I know you're reading it, Sum. :P

One of my closest friends went through a major transformation recently. In fact, when transformations are of this scale, everything seems surreal. I feel closer to her more than ever, and I hope she does too.

In fact, when I think about it, my life is so perfect right now. Yes, there are a thousand things that I have to do, but the process of it isn't so bad. Because I am happy. :)

Hatin' on people

When I was in year 12, I wrote a blog post called '6 things I hate about you', listing qualities that I absolutely hate. So, lately, certain things about certain people are bothering me. It seemed to me that what they say is not entirely what they think. Or, maybe, what they are saying is not yet what they are thinking, but they are trying to adopt a certain way of thinking, and attempting to do so by saying things that align to that particular way. This is absolutely fine. In fact, I oppose the idea of saying everything you're thinking to every single person. The reason is, not everyone knows the person that you are, they only know you through the 'window that you open to them' (quoting Apuni). Thus, if the first window that you open to them shows something extremely negative, they will have trouble digesting it, and it will shadow subsequent thoughts about you.

When you open more and more windows, they begin to see more and more bits of you. Thus, the more you open, the more they know 'you'. What bothers me is when you think you know a person, because you think they have opened up lots of windows, but they really haven't. They just pretended that some of those windows never existed. The natural thing to do is, when you know someone is opening up windows, you would open yours too. So, when you realise that while you have been showing all of 'you' to someone, they have been showing none of themselves, it has an elastic effect. You begin to shut down your windows.

Going back to that list of 6 things - I guess I still hate hypocrisy the absolute most.

'Nother Epiphany

If I want to do something, I cannot wait till the future to do it. I cannot wait for chances to work themselves out - I must create them.

I shall zen-fy my room as much as possible, as soon as possible. Who needs an apartment when you can live for free - with the people you love, with food, clothing, warmth etc - in a place overlooking the Blue Mountains?

(PS: By zen-fying, I mean de-cluttering. Just googled what zen rooms look like - and some of them aren't what I would say de-cluttered is. So, let me rephrase - I shall de-clutter my room as much as possible, as soon as possible.)

Sleep, food and philosophy of life

I have figured out the root of all my problems. Whether my day would be awesome or horrible is determined by whether I am tired or not. That is, more or less, determined by the amount of sleep I have. When I wake up early, I tend to get more things done and I tend to be my happy chappy self, which in turn feed into each other. Hence, I must wake up early. Therefore, the amount of sleep I have is determined by my bedtime. Therefore, going to bed late is the root of all my problems.

I just had an amazing mug of mocha. I took a few teaspoons of Lindt hot chocolate flakes (a gift from SB - cannot thank him enough!), one teaspoon of cheap coffee (although it claims to be 'gourmet' on its tin), a mug of milk and whipped cream - and created magic! That, along with the thought that 'I have figured out the root of all my problems', has lessened my dampened spirit a little. The secret of un-dampening your spirit is to spill all your thoughts in some way (I prefer to do so in writing), put them in their respective categories, sort out the ones that aren't making sense, decide what to do next, and get on with your life.

Ramadan was quite okay in terms of balance. However, the last few days have been horrible - every skill I supposedly gained/maintained throughout the month seemed to have gone down the drain. This made me realise yet again that we cannot ever think we've accomplished something. Yes, we must recognise it when we have made an improvement, or know we have done something right. Then we must thank God for making us able to do it, because, nothing can be done without Him. Every single step of our life is guided by Him.

Amongst the many practices I love in Islam, one of them is dhikr. 'Dhikr' can be loosely translated to 'remembrance' - these are words that you repeat over and over again in your mind or out loud. The reason why I love it is because, although they are words that you utter with your tongue, when used properly, they have the power to change your attitude, give you peace and strength. These things then give you that extra push to do what is right and eventually get you where you want to be. One of the dhikrs I love is 'la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah'. Arabic is such a rich language that it cannot be translated and done justice to. So, one article I've read broke it down in this way:

The phrase may be translated word-by-word as:

lâ = no, not, none, neither
hawla = change, alteration, transformation, movement, motion
wa = and
lâ = no, not, none, neither
quwwata = strength, power, potency, force, might, vigor
illâ = but, except, if not
bi = with, to, for, in, through, by means of
Allâh = Arabic name for the Supreme Being

So basically, it means, there is no change/transformation/progress/power/strength/might except through Allah. I love this concept. When internalised properly, it brings your feet right back to the ground. It also prevents one from preventing oneself from trying to reach high in order to stay humbled. Because, at the end of the day, every thought and action of yours, every opportunity, every moment that is good is from Him.

So in summary - keep climbing those steps. If you stumble, its okay. Figure out what went wrong, fix it, then keep going. If you find yourself feeling like you've climbed a great number of steps, look up and you'll see how much more is left. If you find yourself feeling like you haven't climbed enough, look down and you'll see you've come a long way. And thank God for allowing you to keep your balance while climbing.

Stay Beautiful

I heard this song recently, and I really liked the lyrics. Quite a few people came to my mind when I heard it. I am surrounded by beautiful people. :)

Corey's eyes are like a jungle

He smiles, it's like the radio
He whispers songs into my window
In words that nobody knows

There's pretty girls on every corner
That watch him as he's walking home
Saying, does he know
Will you ever know?

You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know, you're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone

And when you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh, but if it don't, stay beautiful

Corey finds another way to be
The highlight of my day
I'm taking pictures with my mind
So I can save 'em for a rainy day

It's hard to make a conversation
When he's taking my breath away
I should say
'Hey, by the way'

You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know, you're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone

And when you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh, but if it don't, stay beautiful

If you and I are a story
That never gets told
If what you are is a daydream
I'll never get to hold, at least you'll know

You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know, you're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone

And when you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my front door
Oh, but if it don't

Will you stay beautiful
A beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful
A beautiful, beautiful?

Oh, but if it don't
Stay beautiful
Stay beautiful

xD

A friend's fiance once dubbed me 'Dramia' - my life is filled with drama, apparently. I didn't understand it back then, because to me, it seemed like everyone else's life was filled with drama, and mine's a tad bland. Since I cannot relate to the people who undergo drama, I always find them amusing. There have been incidences when I had to force myself to walk away from a certain place in order to not burst out with laughter, which would have caused a great deal of offence to the people involved. Only recently have I realised my relationship with 'drama' - I dramatise things even though they are not meant to be such. In retrospect, I realise my actions are cringe-worthy to the point where I would like to forget about them. For eternity. But since I cannot, after a considerable time has passed, I laugh at my own actions too and shake my head at how silly I was.

Time has gone so fast this year! B2 came to Australia some time in February, nanu came in March, I turned 21 in April, got my Ps, went on driving rampages and crashed the car in the next two months or so, little Z was born in June, dramas occurred, friendships broken and made, experiments with life, work, studies, emotions happened. And then Ramadan came. Alhamdulillah, Ramadan is going sort of as planned. I think, as long as the main purpose is served, and you come out of a certain period of time/experience with some life lessons, it is worth it, even though things may not be going perfectly according to plan.

Eid is about a week away. I have already decided what I shall wear, but I just need to fix it up inshaallah. My mother would be very happy that I decided to touch the sewing machine. Although, I am not sure whether I should risk putting my beautiful dress through the dodgy machine we have at home, or whether I should gulp down my embarrassment and take it to someone else's house. I do feel pretty excited - I haven't quite 'dressed up' nor 'accessorised' in a while, and it would be a good break from being an adult. Celebrations always makes me feel a little crazy. I remember, during a picnic after Eid (last year?), Sum made me run through some water fountains with the other little kids. Then we sat in the sun and dried ourselves out as much as we could, which wasn't much in my case. I had a dinner invite right after... not a pleasant sight for them I suppose!

I have had a cold for so long, I can't even remember what its like to have a clear nose. I remember, once upon a time, I used to stay completely sickness-less for months and months, and I would miss being sick, because it meant I get to miss out on school. Now that my commitments have changed exponentially, trying to stay in bed would mean missing out on my own life, which I like. :( Must. Do. Something. About. Nose. Tea isn't helping all that much, and tissues seem to hate my face. Speaking of tea - I stayed without coffee for the first 15 days of Ramadan! And then I had a relapse in which I drank a large cappuccino from Gloria Jeans, a size that was beyond my abilities even in my addiction days. But alhamdulillah, I am beginning to recover slowly. I  bought really cheap coffee, which probably has very little caffeine in it, and I am drinking it every 2-3 days, instead of every single day. And I am not entirely dependent on it even during the days I do drink it. Alhamdulillah. :)

5 things I admire about my mother

1. She's very organised.

My mother is exactly the opposite of me in this respect. She knows exactly how much her plate can hold and won't sign up for any more than that. Whenever she takes responsibility for something, she makes sure she tries her best to do the job up to scratch. She manages her time quite well, and yes, there are a few secrets to it that I have discovered, but yet to master. For example, she starts her day by praying tahajjud every single day. She cries her eyes out to the only Being that can help her and pours her heart out to Him. Then she reads and studies the Quran, then takes a little bit of a rest before getting up for work. She has a healthy breakfast before work and takes healthy food for recess and lunch. Working with kids mean that she has to walk around the entire day. When she comes home, she cooks, or cleans, or makes some phone calls, or works on her school chores. She goes to bed around 10 pm if she can.  Even if she procrastinates a little about some things, she makes sure she gets back on the horse before its too late. 

2. She's very consistent in her good deeds. 

I don't know how she does it without getting bored, but there are some set things that she never lets go of. Tahajjud, studying Quran for a certain amount of time, all the compulsory prayers in their times, reciting morning and evening dhikrs and reciting suratul Ya-sin before going to bed. I asked my mum whether she gets bored, and she said she doesn't. I cannot understand how anyone can stick to anything for that long (she has been practising a lot of these for as long as she came to know about them). 

3. She's still one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. 

When I was little, I used to think she is the prettiest lady on the planet. As I grew up, I saw other pretty ladies and realised my mum isn't exactly miss universe. However, even to this day, my mum is one of the most beautiful women I have ever come across. She has a physique that I have always wanted, but probably never will have. Her balanced lifestyle also means that she is fitter than the average bengali woman in her late forties. 

4. She usually has quite practical ideas about life. 

A part of my mum liked to dream about little things, like me, for example - she always wanted a little red car. She also used to talk about going on a world trip, just her and her husband, after all her kids have grown up and started to live independently. During full moon, she opens her curtains as wide as possible, and sings a really old song, with nostalgia in her voice. However, when it comes to making serious decisions, my mum is probably one of the most practical ones at home. Her experiences has sort of pushed her to see the downside of life at times, but it helps. Most of the predictions she makes somehow comes true. As opposed to her, my life plans usually don't seem to work out. :(

5. She is one of those people that tries to seem quite tough, but inside, they are sweet and soft-hearted.

Ramadan

Ramadan began about a week and a half ago. Every Ramadan is somehow eventful, whether it is full of mistakes and regrets, filled with refreshing changes, or a series of epiphanies. This is no surprise when you think about what this month is about. Its when the shayateen (devils) are chained up in Hell, so you are less inclined to commit evil out of a spur. Its when God pours blessings into the world, so if you look for it, it is much easier to find in this month. I have been extremely blessed because I grew up in an environment that constantly encouraged me to see the world a little bit more clearly. To not have blind faith in something that is based on nothing.

When I was little, Ramadan was exciting because of the special food, and the overall feeling of celebration. Living in a Muslim majority nation, we had the privilege of fasting as a whole nation. We would eagerly wait to sight the moon, run around in excitement when we could see it with our own eyes from the backyard and tune into special TV programs released specifically for the Eve of Ramadan. Sometimes, the moon was sighted really late at night, and mum would have to began cooking when its time to sleep. We would wake up a few hours later, stuff ourselves with as much rice and curry as we possibly could, pour in some water if there was space, and go back to sleep as soon as we could. The whole day would be either spent reading the Quran, or reading something else, or watching TV, or sleeping, or playing - anything that would distract us from food did its job. In the evening, we would eat things that we would not normally have the time or energy for. Once again, we would stuff ourselves with the most unhealthy things possible. Ma did try to implement some sort of health rules, and we would often have a few pieces of fruits in addition to the above!

When asked why I fasted, I could tell you the reasons that were taught to me, reasons that I practically had memorised, but never truly internalised. I fasted to feel how the poor people felt. I also knew that 'Ramadan' means 'to burn'. And I knew that this is the month to burn sins. However, that is as far as my knowledge and understanding went. This was okay until I reached puberty, because, no sins are incurred before that. So, even though I may have slipped in a few snacks here and there, without letting any other human beings know, it was okay.

The problem starts when you reach puberty without the proper understanding of implications of your actions. My knowledge and understanding of Ramadan did not really improve, so I was stuck in a repeated cycle of trying to 'force' myself to follow something that I did not understand. Yes, I had hope, that I would be forgiven, because Ramadan is indeed the month where sins are burnt, but at the same time, that hope was pretty baseless and often resulted in me just blocking out the thought of the consequences altogether. This doesn't mean every single day of every single Ramadan was spent like this. There were times when I truly had love, hope and fear. But there were also times when I gave into my temptations.

My first fruitful Ramadan, that I can remember, was in 2007. I had specific goals that I wanted to reach, I understood the meaning of dua and I explored my understanding. I came out of it a changed person. In 2007, a lot of things happened that did indeed change me for the better, alhamdulillah. However, the years that followed were not so good. But the important thing is, that every single mistake that you make can be remedied, every sin can be repented for and every blunder can be learnt from.

In Islam, it is emphasised over and over again, that the life of this world is merely a testing ground for the life of the Hereafter. It is short, and unfair, and things would happen that you may not like, but in the end, what matters is the decisions that you make. Yes, there are consequences for your decisions that you must bear. But, your entire life is not a series of consequences. It is a mixture of new tests, and consequences of past tests. So, whether something results in worldly success or failure has not much to do with the real success/failure. At the same time, you are expected to be a responsible global citizen, thus, live a life that is sustainable. So, in a nutshell, the aim is to strive for balance. You need to focus on both your ownself, and on the world. You cannot help fix the world in a sustainable way if you are a mess. Also, you would be very selfish to only focus on fixing yourself up and let the world slide in its problems. All of these, must be done in the light of love, hope and fear of God. Because God loving, merciful and just. So, by responding to all tests in the way that God wants you to respond, you worship Him. And that is the purpose of us, as explained by Islam - to worship God. This can be applied to every single situation, and in a very practical way.

In light of our purpose, Ramadan is a mercy from God. Because it is a relatively safer time to take care of one's faith, and also, a time that is filled with blessings, so, every reward for every good deed is multiplied. So, it is a month where we find that balance. It is a time to detoxify ourselves and go back to a state of inner peace - the essence of Islam.

The other implication of putting this life in context of the Hereafter, is that, you realise that in reality, you have zero power. After death, that's it. Your book is written, no more negatives are taken out, nor positives added. You don't know where you'll end up. And you don't know when death will come. Thus, you are solely at the mercy of God. Thus, in Islam, as well as the emphasis on inner peace and balance, the concept of gaining forgiveness is also emphasised, over and over again. In this way, all of the purposes of Ramadan are tied together. The Prophet said: anyone who fasts the month of Ramadan, out of faith and confident anticipation of God's rewards, will have their past sins forgiven. So, by gaining that balance, by relying completely on God, with actions and intentions, can one truly understand what Ramadan is about. And if that is done, this month truly becomes a special, life changing one. 

Facing Fears

When I was in year 9, one of my teachers recommended a book to me - 'Does my head look big in this?'. It was about a typical teenager who decided to put on the hijab and create some other changes in her life. I don't remember much from it, apart from the fact that it was a very typical teen flick type of read (can books be 'flicks?'). I also remember that the main character was inspired to put on the hijab after watching some random TV show, instead of a heart wrenching/logical lecture/discussion/the usuals. I just remembered this again, because, I just finished watching a very random teen flick on YouTube, and I feel... quite inspired! The name isn't even worth mentioning. Yes, I am twenty one and I just got inspired by one of those Disney movies made for thirteen year olds.

I am not sure if I was always a scared little kid inside, but for the past month or so, I am realising that I have a major tendency to hold back. I have been holding back from facing my shortcomings, facing truths, making the right choices, being honest with myself and simply just doing whatever I am able to do. I don't think I ever trusted my full abilities. And I don't yet know what they are because I have a major fear of failing. Thankfully, my life is not filled with too much drama, hence, this 'holding back' did not cause trouble that cannot be fixed with little effort. I realised I am not nearly as assertive as a healthy person should be. God put me in situations where I made life harder for myself because I was not assertive. From next week, I will start a new stage of my work as a 'shadow' for one of the kids I work with. This means that I will be helping him communicate and interact with others in his pre-school. His mum was telling me that the ladies who run the place are quite passive-aggressive, and I must be strong in order to deal with them properly. His mum is my employer, so I am obliged to follow her instructions more than I will be obliged to follow the people who run the childcare. This scared the hell out of me! I absolutely hate saying 'no' and there are lots of things that make me feel guilty. But I think (and forced myself to agree with myself), this would be a perfect opportunity to train myself. If I am with them for two hours per day, twice a day, I will be bound to learn how to deal with them. So, I am looking forward to it, but sort of in a way that you look forward to horror movies.

The worst that can really happen in this world is not so bad. And Allah finds a way out for those who place their trust in Him.

I remember making a good, but rash, decision a couple of months back. When I told NS, she opposed it very much, and said I would not be able to stick to it because it was so rushed. Turned out she was right, I was not ready for that decision. AA once said that when you get hurt, yes, it heals. But you need to allow it to heal the right way. If you put the wrong stuff on top, it might make the wound worse. Both of them makes very much sense. I need to follow certain steps to follow through with the decisions I make, in order to create some real change, in order to heal properly, instead of just covering up a hole with dodgy bandages.

So yes, Allah finds a way out for those who place their trust in Him, but they need to make sure that they are taking the necessary precautions and paving their way as it is given to them. Otherwise, they will be left trying to reach the top of a very steep mountain with one single jump and hope for a huge miracle. Miracles definitely happen, but, often, wishing for a miracle is the easy way out. Either that, or we just need to change our perception of what a 'miracle' is. Let me give you an example. One of my ABA kids' house is a half-an-hour walk from the station. If I walk fairly fast, I can get there in twenty minutes. Being the unfit and occasionally self-concious person that I am, I never run it. In fact, I stopped running for public transport (unless its less than two minutes) about five years ago. The other day, I left their house 15 minutes before the train. I half ran and half walked for a few minutes, waited and desperately prayed for the bus for about two more, then decided to run. I ran for ten minutes, chucking my self-consciousness out the window. I was making dua the entire time. I felt like I wouldn't make it, and if I was my usual self, I would just walk slower and catch the next one, moving my next commitment back for half an hour. But I kept running, even though I felt very out of breath and my legs giving in. I made it in the end. To me, that was miraculous.

I realised, every time I thought that something was a 'miracle', that thing was a result of dua, but I believed, 100%, that the dua would be accepted. (But I would consider it miraculous because there would be no logical explanation for it to occur in normal situations.) Hence, I worked for it in the little time I had, even though, to another person, that effort I put in would have seemed very futile. I forget this all the time. I forget this and I give up sooner than I should.

One of the many things (or few, depending on where you're standing) that bug me is people's strong urge to label everything. If someone shows a few particular traits of being a certain way, why must we label them and define them so solidly? I think people have bits and pieces of a whole lot of identities, and those bits and pieces are precisely what makes them. Why take one bit and define their entire self with it? There is a certain way I am supposed to be, because of the identity that society places on me. Or the identity that people get the vibe of from the window that they view me through. I suppose it does not have to be like this. This is one of those things that happen only if you let it. If you don't let yourself be defined by the definitions of others, then you will not be.

I guess one thing that comes out of all of these realisations is the realisation that I absolutely loath the feeling of guilt. There are two ways out of guilt - you forget about the reason for the guilt and move on with your life; or, you deal with it, and move on with your life. The way to deal with it can be in two ways - you give in to whatever you were doing and block out the little voice in your head; or, you take tiny steps to turn towards the positive outcome. Usually, I just try to forget about it altogether and move on. It seemed like the right way for a very long time, because there were often none or very little negative consequences. But as you get older, and more responsibilities come upon you, it becomes harder to live by forgetting bits and pieces of your life. It is much easier to recognise, accept, swallow the consequences and learn from an experience.

Reflections

Right now, I am sitting at the dining table, with a coffee, a song playing in the background and a smile on my face. The reason is that work was cancelled this morning. I absolutely love the kids I work with. I love how their eyes light up when they see me. Yesterday, kid #2's mum told me, "I know this isn't just work for you. I know you love him." And that filled my heart. But at the same time, its a responsibility. So, when it is cancelled, I do tend to get a little happy. :P

I was reading my old posts the other day. I realised, there are so many things I can learn from my own life. Mistakes that I have made in the past are bound to be repeated, because, God created me with certain weaknesses and certain strengths, and they will always be my weaknesses and strengths. I cannot deny I have them, nor can I be feel extra good/bad about them, because they are given by God. The correct response is to accept I have certain traits and qualities. If its a bad thing, I can be aware of it so that I can manage it. If its a good thing, I can use it to get productive outcomes for myself and for others. 

They say that you are an average of the five people you spend most of your time with. Its so important to have a mentor in your life that you spend a quite a lot of time with, in order to keep things in perspective. I made a list of mentors for myself, sometime at the beginning of this year. I went back to it a few days ago, and I realised, I have not been using them as much as I should. I guess, when there is a slight gap in communication, its hard to jump back and start the communication again. So, the easiest thing to do is keep the communication superficial, and delay it as much as possible. However, one should never let that slight gap occur with the important people in their lives. In order to do that, its important to define who these important people are. When that gap does occur, and when you realise that it has happened, make a jump backwards as soon as possible. 

At the end of the day, this life was never meant to be perfect. We are all meant to make mistakes, then fix them. And there is nothing you can do by yourself. The moment you begin to think you are enough for yourself, is the moment you start to destruct yourself. Balance is the key to survival. And dua is the key to everything - balance, survival, gratitude, problem solving, communication - everything.

Numbers

I'm not sure exactly when it was that I stopped basing my goals and expectations on numbers. When I was 16, I remember having long discussions with SS et al and deciding that twenty-three is the best age for marriage. Also, I've always had a fixed weight that I wanted to reach (apparently and unfortunately I picked one that was impossible to get to). I wanted three kids, wanted to marry someone who would be three years older than me, gave great importance to birthdays and planned for the exact duration and number of times I should do certain things. But somewhere along the line, I stopped caring about birthdays. I mean, I still think they are special, because its a reminder that your life is passing you by and its often filled with surprises. The fun part is, I have zero expectations about birthdays now. So, when anything happens, any gifts that come along - everything becomes a surprise. And pleasant surprises make me smile like there is no tomorrow.

I have also scrapped the ideas of three kids, a three year age difference between ze (still-to-materialise) hubby and I, and the idea of the perfect age for marriage. Also, with great surprise, I realised I don't care about the number of the scale any more. My ideas have become more conceptual and general. I noticed this when I was talking to RIS about dhikr (remembrance of Allah). There are several hadiths about the number of times we should say certain words in order to gain a certain reward. Those used to motivate me greatly a few years ago. However, now, the concept of something like 'keeping your tongue wet with dhikr' (Tirmidhi) appeals to me much more.

I think this happens when you step out of your self and look at life from a bird's eye view. You realise, that somehow, everything must fit together. The specific numbers are not so important because the desired effect/result of a certain thing depends so much more than the number. If the words that you are uttering are not from your heart, nor reaches your heart, why would it have the same effect as someone who utters the same words out of complete conviction in belief? This does not mean that numbers are not important at all, of course. You need a minimum amount of certain things in your life in order to survive, although you may not often understand their importance until much later. This relates to something I've learnt in my first year psychology lessons. Forcing yourself to utter/do something for a certain number of times is the action that affects your attitude in the long term. Which, in turn, helps to set off this long process (one of those photos from one of those Facebook groups):

When it comes to religious rituals, of course, numbers matter when numbers are part of the set ritual. But I think, the main reason for doing any ritual a certain way is because of compliance to God, any other reasons would be secondary. So, the number of times that we offer Salah is most importantly important because it was set by God to be that way. Whether it makes your day optimally productive for the affairs of this world or not is a secondary reasoning. However, when something is not divinely revealed, it is always up for discussion. Also, I find that if I am focusing too much on a specific number, I lose my focus from why that particular action is important. For example, I find it to be much harder to keep with a healthy diet with a target weight in mind. But if I just think that I need to eat healthy to be healthy because of its numerous benefits, it becomes much easier to take a smaller bite out of a chocolate cake.

Therefore, most numbers are currently arbitrary in my life. xD  

All those pieces that I have found

Ramadhan is about three weeks away. Every year, I look forward to this time, yet, when it gets close, I feel like it came way too fast. Quite a few things happened in the last few weeks that disoriented me. But what really tired me out, was the lack of a constant and consistent source of spiritual revival. I remember this quote I wrote down a long time ago - "Nothing is easy if you seek it through yourself. Nothing is difficult if you seek it through your Lord." There are times in your life when you realise the truth of something you have discovered in the past. And you think, how could I have been so stupid as to let myself forget a lesson I learnt and allow myself to go through the entire process again? But then you realise, that is part of living the life of this world. You can climb ten steps then fall all the way again. But the trick is to keep searching for the handle to hold onto. And to try your best to keep climbing.

The past few weeks have also showed me the consequences of lack of prioritising. Actually, the full consequences have not shown itself yet, and there is a huge chance that I may need to carry it with me for a few years. However, this fear that I feel is causing me to not face the thought of thinking about the consequences. But at the same time, I know, just trying to forget about something without dealing with it only takes me further away from climbing up those steps. There are several things that we don't want to do, even though we know that doing them will be good for us. We find excuses to get out of and try to convince ourselves that they are valid reasons. But running away from responsibilities don't make them go away. I guess all we can do is keep forcing ourselves to be absolutely truthful with our own selves.

I have also re-learnt that you cannot, ever, keep everyone happy. There will always be some people that will be unhappy with you. But you have to choose those people carefully. I guess this comes down to prioritising as well. I feel like I need a proper dose of EE's presence in my life. She is a walking, talking, breathing example of a balanced person. Mother of five, a student of knowledge, volunteer worker, great cook and very, very bubbly. She is one of those people that you wish you had the attitude of. Attitude is something that can be learnt, so, I really wish I had some time to spend with her to diffuse it into myself.

Lessons

So a few nights ago, at around 12.30 AM, I began cleaning my room. I cleaned out my entire cupboard - got rid of clothes that I forgot existed (or wished to forget!), arranged the remaining clothes, soft toys and handbags in a conventional feminine manner. I cleaned out my entire bookshelf, chucking out a whole lot of papers. I cleaned out my jewellery, wiping everything down. I was very proud of my achievement (and still am), yet, I realised, it still looked 'messy' to outsiders. To me, it looked perfectly fine, because the major furnitures in my room were neat and tidy. But I still have some books on my bed, some on the floor, pens here and there, a coffee cup and some clothes and a handbag on the chair. This does not bother me, because I know exactly where everything is, and I still have enough space to live comfortably. This is when I realised, I can never live in complete and utter neatness. To me, the way things are right now, seems to be where they should be - I am aware of everything that is happening in this space. If I took a bit more time in cleaning it further, and cleaning every single day, it would seem neat to everyone else too. But, to me, that doesn't matter. Because this is my space.

My point is, I realised, I like the general ideas of things rather than details. I have a general idea of how my life should be and how its going. I have a general idea about the person that I am. The moment I start thinking about specifics is the moment I feel stressed out. But this makes sense to me, because, specifics change constantly. General ideas usually remain the same. So, in making decisions, I would make sure that there's in nothing wrong in an overall sense, rather than, looking at the decision in detail and trying to figure out if there is a possibility of something going wrong. And I like doing this, because, it allows me to live a simple and happy life.

One beautiful idea BDR was talking about the other day was - every single communication that you have causes chemical changes in your brain, thus, affecting your emotions, whether it be in a tiny way or a huge way. Physical communication is of course the type that causes the greatest amount of change, however, even exchange of words through typing can cause it. So, its very very unlikely, that the way that you are at the beginning of a conversation, is the way that you remain at the end of it. I think this is why I love communicating. I love talking to people, because, they change me a little by little.

One concept I talked about a few posts back was about not letting people into your hearts. After a friend pointed out the flaw with that concept, I realised, it is indeed flawed. It is a defence mechanism that you set up in order to not hurt yourself. Which, if you think about it, is fair enough. We are wired to protect ourselves in any way we can and this is one of the ways we would do so. However, I realised that there is a better way to create a balance between your interactions with people and your position with yourself. "Be with the Real without creation. Be with creation without your ego." (Jilani). When you talk to interact with people, open your mind completely so that your ego does not get in the way. If something is pointed out to you that's flawed, accept it. See things as it is. Most importantly, never stop interacting with people. We were created to be social, and thus, losing parts of it would mean losing the balance that was meant for us. But at the same time, when you are with the Real, alone with your Creator, with God, just your mind and Him, be truthful. Be completely and utterly truthful and sort things out with Him, without letting any creation enter in that interaction. Make sure things make sense to yourself. Don't let someone else's idea cloud yours if it doesn't make sense to you. However, don't reject it if it does.

This all makes sense in my head, and I felt the need of writing it down just in case it makes sense in someone else's. Also, I was reading my past posts, and I realised, there are many lessons that I have learnt in the past that I forgot. When this is written in this space, it allows me to re-learn them every now and then.

One lesson that I re-learned in the past few days, is this: "But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah knows, while you know not." (2:216) There were times in my life when I thought, why me? Why, even after trying so hard, am I failing? I made dua, I tried my best, I invested all of my emotions into one particular task, and I still failed. Over and over again. it got to a point where I was averse to the idea of it altogether. And then I finally passed that worldly test. Then I had an accident which could have been much worse than it was. And it seems like all those times that I hated the fact that I failed, maybe, the sadness I felt in my heart, and the duas, maybe all of them added together and reduced the impact of this. The accident could have affected me in such a way that I would have to suffer my entire life. But, it seems as if I almost don't have to suffer.

Never, ever underestimate the power of asking God. God ALWAYS answers. If you ask God, without associating any partners, if you ask Him appealing to the Being that He is, be certain that it'll be answered. It'll be answered in one of three ways - it may be given to you immediately, a calamity would be removed from you, you will be rewarded in the Hereafter.

I guess what I am trying to say is, we can only do as much as we can. We do as much as we can through our actions and dua. And the results are up to Allah. But we should have full faith on the fact that Allah will utterly and completely reward us for every good action that we do and every dua that we make.

So, in summary:
1. Have a general idea of how your life will develop rather than details.
2. Have a balance between interaction with people and interaction with God/alone time.
3. Know that life, at the end of the day, is quite fair. 

Mantra

"Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can." - Arthur Ashe.

Thoughts on parenthood

The more people you meet and the more you get to know them, the more you learn about the world. Its one thing to read theoretical books about behaviour and society (as we do in Psychology), its a completely different thing to see it in real life. I realised that I've lived quite a sheltered life - for which, I am, of course, grateful to my parents. I don't think I could have dealt with the complexities of the world if I didn't grow up with an identity. I mean, I still can't  - there's still a lot of things that I am only just trying to internalise, and I'm not exactly sure what to do with the whole heap of information. I'll have to think about it a little more.

But here's some tips for the future me as a parent. The reason why I'm writing them now is because: a) I know I'll forget the lessons I am learning now in 10-20 years time. b) This skills must be acquired over time.

1. Be organised.
2. Manage your time well so that you have some me-time, us-time, kids-time and world-time.
3. Have a non-judgemental attitude. The worst thing you can do to your kids is to make them feel like you are judging them hence push them away. They should not feel ashamed of themselves. They should always have a problem solving attitude. If they have a weakness, they should be able to come and tell you, ask for help, and try to solve the issue at hand/try to get stronger. You are their biggest mentor. If they can't even tell you what's bothering them, you have just failed at the first step of being a mentor.
4. Try to be the best example you can. But at the same time, don't be a hypocrite. If you have a problem, don't try to solve it yourself. Get your partner involved. If your children are old enough, get them involved. Children can look right past hypocrisy, and when they do, they will learn to be one themselves too.
5. Try your best at everything, and teach them to try their best. When you have this attitude, they will forgive you for any shortcomings you have, because, you have indeed tried your best. They will be more open to your suggestions. At the same time, don't expect to get your results straight away from this world. Your reward is with Allah. If things go wrong after you have tried your best, just let it go and try to work from there. Do not plunge into denial and depression.

The reward for being a parent and the status to which you should hold your parents have been mentioned several times in the Quran and Sunnah. So, being a good parent is a guaranteed way to enter Jannah. However, it is not an easy task. Alhamdulillah, I think my parents have done their absolute best with me and my siblings. They have tried to give us everything they had and could not have, in terms of tangible and intangible. And I am sure their parents have done the same, and so on and so forth. So, we will probably try to do the same for our future generation, but they will probably feel that it is not enough. However, the important thing is to keep the communication going. If you are a parent that can learn from your children, you are already halfway there.

Quick thoughts

In an attempt to stay away from the person I almost became, I have stuffed my life with responsibilities so that I don't have time to breathe, let alone let my thoughts go haywire. Then I realised that this is not the way to go - I need to let myself breathe in order to not let myself die. So I got rid of some of my responsibilities and took on some relaxing self-improvement activities. This would have been perfectly fine if I was organised. If I managed my time well, I could have potentially juggled it all and still lived healthily in every sphere of life. However, my lack of time management meant that I fly through a few weeks in absolute relaxation, and cry through a few in absolute exhaustion. If I just do the right thing in the right time, this would not happen. I know this and I have learnt it in the hard way, but I still keep making the same mistake over and over again. This is something that I really have to work on for the second half of the year so that I can look back at the end of the year, and see that I've learnt something.

This month is going to be crazy! It has already began its craziness, however, it shall continue to escalate until the very last week. Several changes are happening in our family - almost every single member has something eventful this month. However, everything in life is a test, whether we perceive it to be good or bad. What we need to do is hold on and try our best to get closer to God through these. Because, in the end, the only absolute truth about life is death. And thus, the only thing that matters is the eternal life after death. So, the only purpose of what we do is to add on to the happiness of that eternity. And the only way to do so is to get closer to God through every single situation. 

The crashes are heaven for a sinner like me

When nothing is certain about the future, we try to make it ourselves. We settle for second best, because the best isn't here yet, and there is no guarantee that it will ever be. We only look at the options in front of us and pick the what seems to be the least negative of all, desperate to get out of the situation we are currently in. We don't believe others when they say we deserve better, and will receive better, only if we wait for it to come around. Alhamdulillah, I am not in that state right now, but I can see plenty of people around me that are. I wish there was some way I could make them see what I see. However, I also see what they see from where they are standing. From where they are standing, they cannot see ahead, thus, they believe that the road ahead does not exist, and they must pave it themselves.

At the end of the day, every single person is flawed. They would not be people if they were not. Therefore, one should never depend completely on someone else, nor should they make anyone dependent on themselves. There should not be one single person that fills your heart, because the moment they leave, you will feel empty without end. In fact, every single person that you let enter your heart becomes a danger to you. Because, even if they take up a very tiny space, they will still leave that bit vacant when they leave. However, it is natural for us to cling to something. Therefore, the best Being to cling to is God, because He is the only Being in your entire existence that will never leave your heart, unless you prevent yourself from letting Him enter or push Him away.

But when you have pushed Him away, it feels horribly humiliating to call Him back. So, you keep delaying the call. You keep losing yourself into everything that is not real, even though you know for sure its not the path you should take. And it becomes a constant cycle, a labyrinth you lose yourself in.

The world is annoying me with all its imperfection.

"And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,
And all this devotion was rushing out of me,
And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me,
The arms of the ocean deliver me." 

Procrastinating, obviously.

I am attempting to pull another allnighter due to another assignment. I am being VERY organised because this assignment isn't due till Thursday. But I also have a thousand other things to do within that time. I have my coffee, my room is relatively clean, I am underneath my bed (and my bed has finally been rid of all papers except for the assignment sheet!) and I have a whole lot of tabs with articles that I must take notes from. YET I kept winding up on Facebook. Hence, I decided to post up a quick update over here so that I take out all of my procrastination angst in one place then sit and read with a clear mind.

- I turned 21 exactly a month and ten days ago.
- I got my Ps! (After 4 years, 4 trials and hundreds of dollars slipping from my nearly empty wallet)
- I drove to and from work, at night, by myself.
I feel like a grown up. xD

Go to Youtube. Search 'Tales of Mere Existence - Procrastination'.

And again.

Although I often forget that my heart is only Yours

You keep me close, You hold my hand and lead me into light.

Although I turn my back on You and think I am enough

You push me in a corner, with no results, I fight. 

And when I lose - yet again - I feel like such a fool,

I realise that I've been here many times before

When I keep sinking to the bottom of the sea

You always bring me right back to the shore. 

Reminder

When summer turns to autumn then winter, leaves are supposed to turn yellow, then fall off. Green grasses are supposed to become a thing of the past. You are supposed to be sick. Because, if winter never came around, you would not appreciate the beauty of spring. You would not witness the beginning of blooming flowers. You would not be amazed by the slow revival of colours in a grey day. Hence, when those grey days come around, do not despair. Indeed, with hardship, comes ease.

Sickness, loneliness (and also - some happiness!)

Its that time of the year again - I have tissues sprawled everywhere, my nose and eyes are running simultaneously, I have a constant headache, my throat hurts and my voice seems to disappear every now and then. I am sick. This does not happen often. But when it does - it happens at the worst of times. I have an assignment due on Tuesday. I have work and uni all week. I cannot afford to lie on my bed all day even though it is the only activity I would like to (and probably should!) engage in for the next few days.

However, I am left with a empty cup of coffee, a few tunes, blank papers and the article I am supposed to be analysing. So far, I have written a little over 300 words, which I am expecting to magically turn into 1500 words by the end of tonight. After which, I am planning to take off work (I'm sick!) and sleep. By the end of tonight, I am expecting to get sicker anyway. Although, I hate taking work off. I have a love-hate relationship with my current work. I am a junior therapist for two little autistic boys. Currently, they are the cutest and most loved boys in my life. I love it when they wrap their arms around me and giggle. I love laughing like crazy at lame things like a toy car driving up the wall, singing nursery rhymes tunelessly and hearing my name from their little lips.

One thing I love about kids is that they get amused by very small things and start to love anyone they have a bit of fun with. They are free of inhibitions that fill an adult's mind. They don't worry about risks, nor do they judge too quick. But then, they don't have to. The older we grow, the more we know, the more we begin to see the long road ahead of us. The more we see that road, the more cautious we become. The more reserved, the more 'rational', they more careful.

Apart from kids and all the good things that come with them, lately, I have also been thinking about loneliness. I know its all about perception. You may feel lonely amongst a thousand people, and at the same time, you can be without loneliness even when you are by yourself. The only Being that can quench your thirst is God, because if you can perceive that God loves you more than any other being can ever do, you can see that if you fill your heart with His love, it is enough. Alhamdulillah, this concept is easy for me to grasp because I have been exposed to it, have learnt about it and have felt it. Even then, sometimes, that feeling leaves me. I was thinking about the people that have not experienced it, or do not experience it often. Everyone leaves, all the time. And when your heart is attached to one particular person, you are bound to become lonely eventually. And if your heart is attached to a few people, you will still become lonely in the future, and you will be hurt over and over again. And way too many people cling on to other people, if not outwardly, they do in their hearts. And loneliness is ever present in them.

Anyway, I think I should stop philosophising because it will neither get me money nor sleep nor any closer to  where I want to be (unless someone reads my words and are so moved that they miraculously change their life for the better... highly unlikely. :P). Anyway, one of the loneliest songs I know is a song called Near to You by A Fine Frenzy. Although, as a student of Psychology, I should know that I should not tell you this, because, if you are lonely, and you listen to this song, it will make you feel lonelier. And if you are not lonely, and you listen to this song, you will probably start to feel lonely. And loneliness is not a positive emotion.

Time to get off. :)

Florence + the Machine

I love the beginning bits of Florence + the Machine songs. I wish the whole songs were as great as the beginnings. They have great imagery that generate a whole lot of emotions. When you start listening to dog days, you actually smile, because you remember the times when happiness hit you like a train on a track. Who comes up with something like that? Train on a track?

"Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still, no turning back.
She hid around corners, and she hid under beds,
She killed in with kisses, and from it she fled,
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink..."

"You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between what I thought and what I said.
You are the night time fear
You are the morning when its clear
When its over you will start
You're my head, you're my heart.

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes;
I never knew daylight could be so violent..."

"Regrets collect like old friends,
Here to relieve your darkest moments.
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play.
And every demon wants his pound of flesh..."

Nanu, again. :)

Nanu is visiting us for three months. The last time she came here was seven years ago - back in my immature days. I remember being very rude to her - being annoyed when she asked me to do little things, hating the way she walks so slow, thinking that its pointless that she writes everything that happens in her diary. I never really appreciated her. We went to Bangladesh at the end of the next year. I still didn't like being around nanu very much. I preferred getting up to mischief with my cousins and talking to my choto mami about girly things. The next time I saw her was the next time we went to Bangladesh - when I was seventeen - and I still haven't quite grown up yet. I still got up to mischief, to a slightly greater degree than time before. I still didn't like hanging around nanu. 

Then I finished school and started university. A lot of things changed. When I think about it, I realise how much Allah has blessed me all my life, and especially these last few years. I started to figure out who the important people in my life are, realised what my priorities should be and cleaned up my act a little. At the end of first year, I went to Bangladesh again. Since I had bad experiences for the past couple of times, I was a bit weary of going back. I knew that the adults didn't have a good impression of me, and at the same time, I knew that the things I got up to in the past no longer interested me. I felt like I had to wear a mask of happiness. When I told my sis about it, she said something really important to me - something that I still live by. She said that the happiness doesn't have to be a mask, I can make it real. I don't have to only seem like I am enjoying my stay, I can really try to enjoy it. Instead of thinking 'I just have to be patient these six weeks and then I can relax', I can really try to get to know the people, experience whatever I can and change my life a little. 

Things started to seem very different to me. I didn't feel like getting up to much 'mischief'. (Although... my cousins and I did sneak out in the middle of the night and almost got kidnapped once.) I could see through a lot of people and their fake concern for my well-being. Amongst all of these self discoveries, B was getting married, so everyone in the family was pretty much in one place. That was the time that I really got to 'know' some of the adults in our family. Nanu told me about the different proposals that nanabhai got, and why he rejected all of them, and how he ended up married the 'dark-skinned' girl. She told me about her life before marriage and the things she studied. My mum's sisters and brothers told me about all the mischief they got up to when they were little - the times they got into trouble. There are some things that they still don't feel comfortable talking about in front of their mother, even though its been years and years! Some of them stopped caring of their ego and admitted their weaknesses. I really felt like I connected to them.

And at the same time, I yearned to come back because I hated everything else. I hardly had freedom because of the lack of security. At home, I can leave home any time I want, go anywhere I want and come back at night if need be. I remember walking back home around 10 pm once because of some transport issues, and my parents were still not overtly worried. But in Bangladesh, the furthest I went without a chaperone was to a shop in the street that we stayed at. They got worried if I went up on to the roof for too long! And then there is the issue of corruption. Everyone is lying everywhere! Kids are lying to their parents, parents are lying to their kids - trust is absent from the place where trust is the most important - a family. And everyone expects everyone else to be distrustful, so they live very suspicious lives. That was far more suffocating than the pollution. 

Both of these factors led to one thing - my inability to create change. And there's only so long a person can watch things that need to be changed and stay quiet with the guilt. Eventually, you learn to shut everything out and turn into zombies like everyone else. Alhamdulillah - my current life makes me feel very lucky in that sense. I am doing things that has a direct positive effect on other people's lives, in the short term and in the long term. And a life lived in such a way is so much more fulfilling! 

So the best combination is, having nanu over here. And that's what I have now! I have intellectual conversations with her, talk about the past, talk about things she worries about, learn from each other. The thing that I love about nanu is that she really listens - she doesn't just hear things - she takes words to heart. So speaking good words to her is definitely worth it. Now, I love the little things she tells me to do. I love her stories, I love the way she scolds me. I love the way her skin crinkles, I love the way she laughs (she laughs a little like me... I was told my laughter is like my other grandma, but I am finding similarities with this one too. When any one of us laugh, our entire body shakes). I love the way she speaks. 

May Allah bless her forever. 

The past few days have been sleepless, friendless, breakless, me-time-less and some more. At the end of such a week, one needs a break - the right kind of way, especially when one knows that the coming weeks will be busier. So I cut a huge slice of cheesecake, threw that and some grapes in a bowl, changed into the most comfortable clothes I could find, snuggled up in my blanket with She's the Man. Its one of those things that remind you of old times. I remember when I watched it first - my sis and I went to S apu's house for a sleepover. I was very excited because she recently moved to Newcastle, and had a tiny studio apartment all to herself. We stayed up and watched this movie and had expensive ice cream out of its container. I was about fifteen years old, was trying to get over a difficult situation (or so I felt at that time) that most teens go through, and the 'break' really helped. So, I began to associate this movie with 'breaks' - when you need to kick those heels off and just be crazy by yourself - laugh, smile, aww at fictitious characters.

Feeling high

Wiggle's 'Hot Potato' has been stuck in my head the entire day today. I was youtube-ing some Wiggles songs (don't judge - I have my reasons!) this morning and learnt two - Big Red Car and Hot Potato. They're rather catchy. I have a long way to go though - I need to be up to date with all the latest songs and made up characters in children's minds. I never watched too much TV as a child and don't plan to expose mine to a whole lot. I recently started working with a little boy who has autism. He had behaviour therapy for two years, and he improved from being completely non-verbal to using full sentences. I only began working with him, but I need to keep with the program and make sure he is always saying something, or I am always saying something, or singing, or dancing, or tickling, or pretending, or playing with toys. This is sort of new to me, because I usually just talk to kids like adults, and I can't do that with him. I need to turn into those Playschool people. I had my first independent session with him today, and it was much better than I expected. He whined a little, but mostly listened to me. Internally I was jumping in joy even though I had to keep a straight face expect for when I was praising him. I really, really hope he stays nice! He's such a cute little boy that I feel really mean being mean to him when he doesn't listen - but I guess its a life skill that I must learn! :(

Alhamdulillah, right now, my life is comfortably busy. Yes, there are times when I feel like I have a thousand things that I need to get done and all I can think of is sleep. But there are a few things that keeps me going now:
- Visualising what's waiting for me in the Hereafter.
- Thinking about people in worse situations.
- Thinking about times in my life that wasn't like this and how unhappy I was.
- Making lists of WHY I do certain things and reading over them from time to time.

I bumped into Mrs. CP today. She is a very nice lady that lived in our old neighbour for many years, left for the USA and only returned in the middle of last year. She is a Christian missionary that has immense patience and a whole lot of smiles. Her level of ethics are very high and to my knowledge, she never imposes. She reminded me of the fact that you can learn a little (or a lot) from every person that you know, even if you don't take 'everything' from that person. What you have to learn to do is make educated decisions about which parts to internalise and which parts to leave out.

I discovered very cheap coffee a few days ago - $2 for a cup. The coffee is not disgusting, even though its usually slightly hotter than I'd like it to be - but that can be forgiven. Uni cappaccinos have gone up from $2.80 to $3 this year, mochas cost even more! Therefore, $2 a for a cup of mocha/cappa is awesome. I have to cut a lot of costs now that my payments have been reduced (ABA therapy pays two fifth what I used to get for tutoring per hour) and coffee is the first luxury to go. In this time of need, $2 a cup is an amazing discovery!

I realise this post was long overdue (if anyone stills reads me that is...). But when you are living a 'sort of a dream', would you rather close your eyes and live the lesser form of dreams?

...

My mum was asking me if I write poems any more. So, I took out my notebook of poetry/lyrics and flipped through to see if any of them are worthy of mentioning to her. Then I realised that the reason that I haven't been showing her any of my work is because they are mostly dark/depressing/confusing. Like this one (undated):

Neither here or there,

I'm half-way through the stairs;

Not on the ground -

Yet I can't touch the sky. 

I just want to be found;

Either laugh, or cry.

But all I feel right now is

Fear, confusion.

Alhamdulillah.. life is so much better now!! :)

Sleepy thoughts.. quite overdue

When I was little, I had mild (self-diagnosed) aquaphobia - I used to cry on boat rides, even in knee dip water. I remember constantly feeling like the boat would tip and I would drown. I'm not exactly sure when this left me, but, I remember enjoying boat rides at about 14 years of age. I would dip my toes in water and lie the deck, watching the sky as it passed me by. In terms of swimming - when I was 10, ma tried to teach me to swim in the traditional method - throwing me in the water and pretending to drown so that I would come and save her. All I remember from that particular experience is feeling a deep terror and crying on the shore of the pond at nanu's place. Then when we came to Sydney, I was forced to attempt to learn swimming through school sports until about year 7. I was glad to get out of those classes with any excuses I could get my hands on, and was very relieved when the year was finally over!

Recently, due to my new-found (more like lost and re-found, repeatedly) interest in my health, I researched into what my optimal exercise would be. A combination of cardio and strength training are best. Swimming seemed to have gotten the best comments in terms of cardio, so, over the next few months, I bought a swimming costume, found a cheap convenient pool and a friend who was willing to drive me there and teach me. After spending two hours, I finally learnt how to keep myself floating and flap all four limbs in a fairly correct way (although breathing was still a problem). On my second day, I swam about 3/4th of the way through the pool (alhamdulillah!!). So, I think I can finally say - I know how to swim!! Although I'm not entirely sure if the fear is completely gone. I still have to make sure I swim in the end aisle so that I can hold on to the sides any time I want to.

What made this last attempt to learn different from the previous ones is that it was completely out of my own will. This is important, because while it is impossible for our society to function if we all waited until we wanted to do something, our society will cease to function if we just did everything because someone is forcing us. The balance is usually acquired when one grows up (yes, we are babied enough to not strike a balance... even at 30). But from my studies, I found that its best if this is practised on children as well. Children need to be strictly disciplined, but they need to feel loved enough to want to do what their parents are hoping they do.

What I found while tutoring children is that the parents who are conscientious and organised enough to keep a track of their kids' school work, friends and other important details, raise disciplined kids who are armed with skills they need as an adult. But parents who treat their kids like adults (ie: letting them do whatever they want) usually see a negative effect. This is common sense, yes, but it was such a wake up call for me. It made me realise, yet again, how much of a hard work it is to be a mother. Just the other day, my mum was describing her ordeal of settling into Australia in her 40s, starting life all over again. I found myself thinking that if I was in her position, I would probably kick up my heels and flee! (I am hoping I never will be in the tough positions she was in, and that I never run away from my kids :P.)

One of my favourite people in the world (EE, who also happens to be the mother of five beautiful children, the youngest of whom is less than a week old; the eldest three are my students) said that she keeps going because she feels that if she does not give the rights that her kids deserve, she will be accountable for it. I found this to be quite a helpful insight, because, we always hear scholarly lectures about how we should treat our parents, but not many people reinforce the gravity of the parent's job. In fact, this point of view can be applied in every single relationship. If every person took care of the rights of others, no one would have to fight for their own rights. Unfortunately we don't live in Utopia. So, I guess we just have to make do with doing this ourselves - making sure we give others their rights - and try to raise awareness of it in the people around us.

Another thing that EE does is teach by being an exemplary role model herself, rather than just talk about it. I grew up in a family, school and community where I was constantly told that I should be a role model to others, but I guess, it was never explains how I should be so, because I never really picked the right ones. Of course no one person is perfect, so you have to pick bits and pieces out of everyone that you admire. But practising what you preach as well as the bits that you don't preach goes a long way in terms of making a point.

So yes... I shall bid farewell now because my eyes are dripping with sleep, its 12.12 AM, I need to get up early and I'm going to a picnic and a wedding tomorrow. Also, while I was typing (I think I was in the 2nd paragraph), blogger suddenly refreshed and started to look very different. I have witnessed a momentous change in history. :P 

Inconsistency

One would think that a psychologist would be able to solve all of her own problems, since that's what she gets paid for. Perhaps that would be the case when I actually become one (inshaallah!) although I'm not doing so now. However, I am able to identify problems and find a cause for the problem, most of the time. I am hoping that someday I will be able to take the next step and actually solve problems.

My latest realisation somehow relates to this post where I outlined the steps in the cycle of events in my life. I realised that when I do feel like life is getting better, it is due to external results. For example, tonight, I am feeling extremely satisfied with my life because a) I got paid, b) all the students I tutored today were very productive, c) The parents (i.e.: my employers!) were happy with me, d) I found some more prospects of work i.e.: opportunities to undergo a-c more frequently, e) I worked out a way to manage my money so that I can reach my short term spending goals as well long term saving goals, f) I had an amazing cup of coffee.

All of these are external results. If I didn't get paid, or if my students were feeling lazy, or if the coffee turned out to be disgusting, it is quite likely that my mood would not be the way it is now. This is pretty dangerous because this is the exact reason why people like me feel like they live the life of a sine curve. The ideal solution would be to detach our source of happiness from external results and attach it to something greater. Something that wouldn't run out - only then can we have the impetus to get up every single day and be productive and hopeful. This reminded of a video I watched a very long time ago.

The only problem is, keeping that impetus alive seems like an extremely hard task to me. I am the last person to be regular and consistent. I make very elaborate plans, yet, the plans go out the window after a few days. I realised that happens when I start to think one of two things: a) I'd never be able to achieve my end goal, or, b) What I've achieved is good enough, I can rest now. This is when I undergo stages 3, 4 and 5. I have never been able to be consistent in my life, so I have accepted it as a part of me now. So putting all of these together, it seems that my good feelings are attached to the goodness of this world, and my bad feelings are attached to the opposite.

Then I came across this verse the other day: "And of the people is he who worships Allah on an edge. If he is touched by good, he is reassured by it; but if he is struck my a trial, he turns on his face (to the other direction). He has lost (this) world and the Hereafter. That is what is the manifest loss." (22:11)

And this struck me. This sounds like someone who attaches their happiness or lack of to the external results of this world. Then I realised that this is exactly why I keep going round in circles. This is why my life is a cycle of events rather than a straight (or wavy) ascending line.

This is not to say that I have never implemented strategies for improvement and succeeded. There are several things that I have tried, for example, living for one day at a time, and have succeeded for a while (alhamdulillah). I have managed to instil certain values in myself that I admire in others. But there are some things that I keep failing in, and I keep climbing and falling, climbing and falling.

So I started to think about exactly what I can do to suit my lifestyle of irregularity as well as be a Muslim. After all, Islam is for every single person in the world. Every person has a different kind of test and has the potential to reach the highest level of Jannah. In this case, why would someone who is naturally routinised be better than me, someone who finds it hard to routinise herself, if we are all equals?

Usually, when I write something in this blog, I write it after I have come up with a solution that makes sense to me. In this case, I actually do not have any solutions that I have not tried before. I guess what I (and people like me) have to do is:
- Make lots of dua to have a balance to my life and days.
- Keep a few things regular - for example, spending a certain amount of time behind the Quran every day, without being too specific on the how of it.
- Constantly remind oneself that everything comes from Allah. So all the good that you have done would not be even thought of if Allah did not put the thought there. This humbles oneself and reduces the thoughts of a) 'I'm never going to be good enough' or b) 'I'm good enough already, so I can rest now'.
- Have a strong support system in which people who are supportive yet not overbearing.
Any other ideas?