Sleep, food and philosophy of life

I have figured out the root of all my problems. Whether my day would be awesome or horrible is determined by whether I am tired or not. That is, more or less, determined by the amount of sleep I have. When I wake up early, I tend to get more things done and I tend to be my happy chappy self, which in turn feed into each other. Hence, I must wake up early. Therefore, the amount of sleep I have is determined by my bedtime. Therefore, going to bed late is the root of all my problems.

I just had an amazing mug of mocha. I took a few teaspoons of Lindt hot chocolate flakes (a gift from SB - cannot thank him enough!), one teaspoon of cheap coffee (although it claims to be 'gourmet' on its tin), a mug of milk and whipped cream - and created magic! That, along with the thought that 'I have figured out the root of all my problems', has lessened my dampened spirit a little. The secret of un-dampening your spirit is to spill all your thoughts in some way (I prefer to do so in writing), put them in their respective categories, sort out the ones that aren't making sense, decide what to do next, and get on with your life.

Ramadan was quite okay in terms of balance. However, the last few days have been horrible - every skill I supposedly gained/maintained throughout the month seemed to have gone down the drain. This made me realise yet again that we cannot ever think we've accomplished something. Yes, we must recognise it when we have made an improvement, or know we have done something right. Then we must thank God for making us able to do it, because, nothing can be done without Him. Every single step of our life is guided by Him.

Amongst the many practices I love in Islam, one of them is dhikr. 'Dhikr' can be loosely translated to 'remembrance' - these are words that you repeat over and over again in your mind or out loud. The reason why I love it is because, although they are words that you utter with your tongue, when used properly, they have the power to change your attitude, give you peace and strength. These things then give you that extra push to do what is right and eventually get you where you want to be. One of the dhikrs I love is 'la hawla wa la quwwata illa billah'. Arabic is such a rich language that it cannot be translated and done justice to. So, one article I've read broke it down in this way:

The phrase may be translated word-by-word as:

lâ = no, not, none, neither
hawla = change, alteration, transformation, movement, motion
wa = and
lâ = no, not, none, neither
quwwata = strength, power, potency, force, might, vigor
illâ = but, except, if not
bi = with, to, for, in, through, by means of
Allâh = Arabic name for the Supreme Being

So basically, it means, there is no change/transformation/progress/power/strength/might except through Allah. I love this concept. When internalised properly, it brings your feet right back to the ground. It also prevents one from preventing oneself from trying to reach high in order to stay humbled. Because, at the end of the day, every thought and action of yours, every opportunity, every moment that is good is from Him.

So in summary - keep climbing those steps. If you stumble, its okay. Figure out what went wrong, fix it, then keep going. If you find yourself feeling like you've climbed a great number of steps, look up and you'll see how much more is left. If you find yourself feeling like you haven't climbed enough, look down and you'll see you've come a long way. And thank God for allowing you to keep your balance while climbing.

Stay Beautiful

I heard this song recently, and I really liked the lyrics. Quite a few people came to my mind when I heard it. I am surrounded by beautiful people. :)

Corey's eyes are like a jungle

He smiles, it's like the radio
He whispers songs into my window
In words that nobody knows

There's pretty girls on every corner
That watch him as he's walking home
Saying, does he know
Will you ever know?

You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know, you're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone

And when you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh, but if it don't, stay beautiful

Corey finds another way to be
The highlight of my day
I'm taking pictures with my mind
So I can save 'em for a rainy day

It's hard to make a conversation
When he's taking my breath away
I should say
'Hey, by the way'

You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know, you're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone

And when you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my door
Oh, but if it don't, stay beautiful

If you and I are a story
That never gets told
If what you are is a daydream
I'll never get to hold, at least you'll know

You're beautiful, every little piece, love
Don't you know, you're really gonna be someone
Ask anyone

And when you find everything you looked for
I hope your life leads you back to my front door
Oh, but if it don't

Will you stay beautiful
A beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful
A beautiful, beautiful?

Oh, but if it don't
Stay beautiful
Stay beautiful

xD

A friend's fiance once dubbed me 'Dramia' - my life is filled with drama, apparently. I didn't understand it back then, because to me, it seemed like everyone else's life was filled with drama, and mine's a tad bland. Since I cannot relate to the people who undergo drama, I always find them amusing. There have been incidences when I had to force myself to walk away from a certain place in order to not burst out with laughter, which would have caused a great deal of offence to the people involved. Only recently have I realised my relationship with 'drama' - I dramatise things even though they are not meant to be such. In retrospect, I realise my actions are cringe-worthy to the point where I would like to forget about them. For eternity. But since I cannot, after a considerable time has passed, I laugh at my own actions too and shake my head at how silly I was.

Time has gone so fast this year! B2 came to Australia some time in February, nanu came in March, I turned 21 in April, got my Ps, went on driving rampages and crashed the car in the next two months or so, little Z was born in June, dramas occurred, friendships broken and made, experiments with life, work, studies, emotions happened. And then Ramadan came. Alhamdulillah, Ramadan is going sort of as planned. I think, as long as the main purpose is served, and you come out of a certain period of time/experience with some life lessons, it is worth it, even though things may not be going perfectly according to plan.

Eid is about a week away. I have already decided what I shall wear, but I just need to fix it up inshaallah. My mother would be very happy that I decided to touch the sewing machine. Although, I am not sure whether I should risk putting my beautiful dress through the dodgy machine we have at home, or whether I should gulp down my embarrassment and take it to someone else's house. I do feel pretty excited - I haven't quite 'dressed up' nor 'accessorised' in a while, and it would be a good break from being an adult. Celebrations always makes me feel a little crazy. I remember, during a picnic after Eid (last year?), Sum made me run through some water fountains with the other little kids. Then we sat in the sun and dried ourselves out as much as we could, which wasn't much in my case. I had a dinner invite right after... not a pleasant sight for them I suppose!

I have had a cold for so long, I can't even remember what its like to have a clear nose. I remember, once upon a time, I used to stay completely sickness-less for months and months, and I would miss being sick, because it meant I get to miss out on school. Now that my commitments have changed exponentially, trying to stay in bed would mean missing out on my own life, which I like. :( Must. Do. Something. About. Nose. Tea isn't helping all that much, and tissues seem to hate my face. Speaking of tea - I stayed without coffee for the first 15 days of Ramadan! And then I had a relapse in which I drank a large cappuccino from Gloria Jeans, a size that was beyond my abilities even in my addiction days. But alhamdulillah, I am beginning to recover slowly. I  bought really cheap coffee, which probably has very little caffeine in it, and I am drinking it every 2-3 days, instead of every single day. And I am not entirely dependent on it even during the days I do drink it. Alhamdulillah. :)

5 things I admire about my mother

1. She's very organised.

My mother is exactly the opposite of me in this respect. She knows exactly how much her plate can hold and won't sign up for any more than that. Whenever she takes responsibility for something, she makes sure she tries her best to do the job up to scratch. She manages her time quite well, and yes, there are a few secrets to it that I have discovered, but yet to master. For example, she starts her day by praying tahajjud every single day. She cries her eyes out to the only Being that can help her and pours her heart out to Him. Then she reads and studies the Quran, then takes a little bit of a rest before getting up for work. She has a healthy breakfast before work and takes healthy food for recess and lunch. Working with kids mean that she has to walk around the entire day. When she comes home, she cooks, or cleans, or makes some phone calls, or works on her school chores. She goes to bed around 10 pm if she can.  Even if she procrastinates a little about some things, she makes sure she gets back on the horse before its too late. 

2. She's very consistent in her good deeds. 

I don't know how she does it without getting bored, but there are some set things that she never lets go of. Tahajjud, studying Quran for a certain amount of time, all the compulsory prayers in their times, reciting morning and evening dhikrs and reciting suratul Ya-sin before going to bed. I asked my mum whether she gets bored, and she said she doesn't. I cannot understand how anyone can stick to anything for that long (she has been practising a lot of these for as long as she came to know about them). 

3. She's still one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. 

When I was little, I used to think she is the prettiest lady on the planet. As I grew up, I saw other pretty ladies and realised my mum isn't exactly miss universe. However, even to this day, my mum is one of the most beautiful women I have ever come across. She has a physique that I have always wanted, but probably never will have. Her balanced lifestyle also means that she is fitter than the average bengali woman in her late forties. 

4. She usually has quite practical ideas about life. 

A part of my mum liked to dream about little things, like me, for example - she always wanted a little red car. She also used to talk about going on a world trip, just her and her husband, after all her kids have grown up and started to live independently. During full moon, she opens her curtains as wide as possible, and sings a really old song, with nostalgia in her voice. However, when it comes to making serious decisions, my mum is probably one of the most practical ones at home. Her experiences has sort of pushed her to see the downside of life at times, but it helps. Most of the predictions she makes somehow comes true. As opposed to her, my life plans usually don't seem to work out. :(

5. She is one of those people that tries to seem quite tough, but inside, they are sweet and soft-hearted.

Ramadan

Ramadan began about a week and a half ago. Every Ramadan is somehow eventful, whether it is full of mistakes and regrets, filled with refreshing changes, or a series of epiphanies. This is no surprise when you think about what this month is about. Its when the shayateen (devils) are chained up in Hell, so you are less inclined to commit evil out of a spur. Its when God pours blessings into the world, so if you look for it, it is much easier to find in this month. I have been extremely blessed because I grew up in an environment that constantly encouraged me to see the world a little bit more clearly. To not have blind faith in something that is based on nothing.

When I was little, Ramadan was exciting because of the special food, and the overall feeling of celebration. Living in a Muslim majority nation, we had the privilege of fasting as a whole nation. We would eagerly wait to sight the moon, run around in excitement when we could see it with our own eyes from the backyard and tune into special TV programs released specifically for the Eve of Ramadan. Sometimes, the moon was sighted really late at night, and mum would have to began cooking when its time to sleep. We would wake up a few hours later, stuff ourselves with as much rice and curry as we possibly could, pour in some water if there was space, and go back to sleep as soon as we could. The whole day would be either spent reading the Quran, or reading something else, or watching TV, or sleeping, or playing - anything that would distract us from food did its job. In the evening, we would eat things that we would not normally have the time or energy for. Once again, we would stuff ourselves with the most unhealthy things possible. Ma did try to implement some sort of health rules, and we would often have a few pieces of fruits in addition to the above!

When asked why I fasted, I could tell you the reasons that were taught to me, reasons that I practically had memorised, but never truly internalised. I fasted to feel how the poor people felt. I also knew that 'Ramadan' means 'to burn'. And I knew that this is the month to burn sins. However, that is as far as my knowledge and understanding went. This was okay until I reached puberty, because, no sins are incurred before that. So, even though I may have slipped in a few snacks here and there, without letting any other human beings know, it was okay.

The problem starts when you reach puberty without the proper understanding of implications of your actions. My knowledge and understanding of Ramadan did not really improve, so I was stuck in a repeated cycle of trying to 'force' myself to follow something that I did not understand. Yes, I had hope, that I would be forgiven, because Ramadan is indeed the month where sins are burnt, but at the same time, that hope was pretty baseless and often resulted in me just blocking out the thought of the consequences altogether. This doesn't mean every single day of every single Ramadan was spent like this. There were times when I truly had love, hope and fear. But there were also times when I gave into my temptations.

My first fruitful Ramadan, that I can remember, was in 2007. I had specific goals that I wanted to reach, I understood the meaning of dua and I explored my understanding. I came out of it a changed person. In 2007, a lot of things happened that did indeed change me for the better, alhamdulillah. However, the years that followed were not so good. But the important thing is, that every single mistake that you make can be remedied, every sin can be repented for and every blunder can be learnt from.

In Islam, it is emphasised over and over again, that the life of this world is merely a testing ground for the life of the Hereafter. It is short, and unfair, and things would happen that you may not like, but in the end, what matters is the decisions that you make. Yes, there are consequences for your decisions that you must bear. But, your entire life is not a series of consequences. It is a mixture of new tests, and consequences of past tests. So, whether something results in worldly success or failure has not much to do with the real success/failure. At the same time, you are expected to be a responsible global citizen, thus, live a life that is sustainable. So, in a nutshell, the aim is to strive for balance. You need to focus on both your ownself, and on the world. You cannot help fix the world in a sustainable way if you are a mess. Also, you would be very selfish to only focus on fixing yourself up and let the world slide in its problems. All of these, must be done in the light of love, hope and fear of God. Because God loving, merciful and just. So, by responding to all tests in the way that God wants you to respond, you worship Him. And that is the purpose of us, as explained by Islam - to worship God. This can be applied to every single situation, and in a very practical way.

In light of our purpose, Ramadan is a mercy from God. Because it is a relatively safer time to take care of one's faith, and also, a time that is filled with blessings, so, every reward for every good deed is multiplied. So, it is a month where we find that balance. It is a time to detoxify ourselves and go back to a state of inner peace - the essence of Islam.

The other implication of putting this life in context of the Hereafter, is that, you realise that in reality, you have zero power. After death, that's it. Your book is written, no more negatives are taken out, nor positives added. You don't know where you'll end up. And you don't know when death will come. Thus, you are solely at the mercy of God. Thus, in Islam, as well as the emphasis on inner peace and balance, the concept of gaining forgiveness is also emphasised, over and over again. In this way, all of the purposes of Ramadan are tied together. The Prophet said: anyone who fasts the month of Ramadan, out of faith and confident anticipation of God's rewards, will have their past sins forgiven. So, by gaining that balance, by relying completely on God, with actions and intentions, can one truly understand what Ramadan is about. And if that is done, this month truly becomes a special, life changing one. 

Facing Fears

When I was in year 9, one of my teachers recommended a book to me - 'Does my head look big in this?'. It was about a typical teenager who decided to put on the hijab and create some other changes in her life. I don't remember much from it, apart from the fact that it was a very typical teen flick type of read (can books be 'flicks?'). I also remember that the main character was inspired to put on the hijab after watching some random TV show, instead of a heart wrenching/logical lecture/discussion/the usuals. I just remembered this again, because, I just finished watching a very random teen flick on YouTube, and I feel... quite inspired! The name isn't even worth mentioning. Yes, I am twenty one and I just got inspired by one of those Disney movies made for thirteen year olds.

I am not sure if I was always a scared little kid inside, but for the past month or so, I am realising that I have a major tendency to hold back. I have been holding back from facing my shortcomings, facing truths, making the right choices, being honest with myself and simply just doing whatever I am able to do. I don't think I ever trusted my full abilities. And I don't yet know what they are because I have a major fear of failing. Thankfully, my life is not filled with too much drama, hence, this 'holding back' did not cause trouble that cannot be fixed with little effort. I realised I am not nearly as assertive as a healthy person should be. God put me in situations where I made life harder for myself because I was not assertive. From next week, I will start a new stage of my work as a 'shadow' for one of the kids I work with. This means that I will be helping him communicate and interact with others in his pre-school. His mum was telling me that the ladies who run the place are quite passive-aggressive, and I must be strong in order to deal with them properly. His mum is my employer, so I am obliged to follow her instructions more than I will be obliged to follow the people who run the childcare. This scared the hell out of me! I absolutely hate saying 'no' and there are lots of things that make me feel guilty. But I think (and forced myself to agree with myself), this would be a perfect opportunity to train myself. If I am with them for two hours per day, twice a day, I will be bound to learn how to deal with them. So, I am looking forward to it, but sort of in a way that you look forward to horror movies.

The worst that can really happen in this world is not so bad. And Allah finds a way out for those who place their trust in Him.

I remember making a good, but rash, decision a couple of months back. When I told NS, she opposed it very much, and said I would not be able to stick to it because it was so rushed. Turned out she was right, I was not ready for that decision. AA once said that when you get hurt, yes, it heals. But you need to allow it to heal the right way. If you put the wrong stuff on top, it might make the wound worse. Both of them makes very much sense. I need to follow certain steps to follow through with the decisions I make, in order to create some real change, in order to heal properly, instead of just covering up a hole with dodgy bandages.

So yes, Allah finds a way out for those who place their trust in Him, but they need to make sure that they are taking the necessary precautions and paving their way as it is given to them. Otherwise, they will be left trying to reach the top of a very steep mountain with one single jump and hope for a huge miracle. Miracles definitely happen, but, often, wishing for a miracle is the easy way out. Either that, or we just need to change our perception of what a 'miracle' is. Let me give you an example. One of my ABA kids' house is a half-an-hour walk from the station. If I walk fairly fast, I can get there in twenty minutes. Being the unfit and occasionally self-concious person that I am, I never run it. In fact, I stopped running for public transport (unless its less than two minutes) about five years ago. The other day, I left their house 15 minutes before the train. I half ran and half walked for a few minutes, waited and desperately prayed for the bus for about two more, then decided to run. I ran for ten minutes, chucking my self-consciousness out the window. I was making dua the entire time. I felt like I wouldn't make it, and if I was my usual self, I would just walk slower and catch the next one, moving my next commitment back for half an hour. But I kept running, even though I felt very out of breath and my legs giving in. I made it in the end. To me, that was miraculous.

I realised, every time I thought that something was a 'miracle', that thing was a result of dua, but I believed, 100%, that the dua would be accepted. (But I would consider it miraculous because there would be no logical explanation for it to occur in normal situations.) Hence, I worked for it in the little time I had, even though, to another person, that effort I put in would have seemed very futile. I forget this all the time. I forget this and I give up sooner than I should.

One of the many things (or few, depending on where you're standing) that bug me is people's strong urge to label everything. If someone shows a few particular traits of being a certain way, why must we label them and define them so solidly? I think people have bits and pieces of a whole lot of identities, and those bits and pieces are precisely what makes them. Why take one bit and define their entire self with it? There is a certain way I am supposed to be, because of the identity that society places on me. Or the identity that people get the vibe of from the window that they view me through. I suppose it does not have to be like this. This is one of those things that happen only if you let it. If you don't let yourself be defined by the definitions of others, then you will not be.

I guess one thing that comes out of all of these realisations is the realisation that I absolutely loath the feeling of guilt. There are two ways out of guilt - you forget about the reason for the guilt and move on with your life; or, you deal with it, and move on with your life. The way to deal with it can be in two ways - you give in to whatever you were doing and block out the little voice in your head; or, you take tiny steps to turn towards the positive outcome. Usually, I just try to forget about it altogether and move on. It seemed like the right way for a very long time, because there were often none or very little negative consequences. But as you get older, and more responsibilities come upon you, it becomes harder to live by forgetting bits and pieces of your life. It is much easier to recognise, accept, swallow the consequences and learn from an experience.

Reflections

Right now, I am sitting at the dining table, with a coffee, a song playing in the background and a smile on my face. The reason is that work was cancelled this morning. I absolutely love the kids I work with. I love how their eyes light up when they see me. Yesterday, kid #2's mum told me, "I know this isn't just work for you. I know you love him." And that filled my heart. But at the same time, its a responsibility. So, when it is cancelled, I do tend to get a little happy. :P

I was reading my old posts the other day. I realised, there are so many things I can learn from my own life. Mistakes that I have made in the past are bound to be repeated, because, God created me with certain weaknesses and certain strengths, and they will always be my weaknesses and strengths. I cannot deny I have them, nor can I be feel extra good/bad about them, because they are given by God. The correct response is to accept I have certain traits and qualities. If its a bad thing, I can be aware of it so that I can manage it. If its a good thing, I can use it to get productive outcomes for myself and for others. 

They say that you are an average of the five people you spend most of your time with. Its so important to have a mentor in your life that you spend a quite a lot of time with, in order to keep things in perspective. I made a list of mentors for myself, sometime at the beginning of this year. I went back to it a few days ago, and I realised, I have not been using them as much as I should. I guess, when there is a slight gap in communication, its hard to jump back and start the communication again. So, the easiest thing to do is keep the communication superficial, and delay it as much as possible. However, one should never let that slight gap occur with the important people in their lives. In order to do that, its important to define who these important people are. When that gap does occur, and when you realise that it has happened, make a jump backwards as soon as possible. 

At the end of the day, this life was never meant to be perfect. We are all meant to make mistakes, then fix them. And there is nothing you can do by yourself. The moment you begin to think you are enough for yourself, is the moment you start to destruct yourself. Balance is the key to survival. And dua is the key to everything - balance, survival, gratitude, problem solving, communication - everything.

Numbers

I'm not sure exactly when it was that I stopped basing my goals and expectations on numbers. When I was 16, I remember having long discussions with SS et al and deciding that twenty-three is the best age for marriage. Also, I've always had a fixed weight that I wanted to reach (apparently and unfortunately I picked one that was impossible to get to). I wanted three kids, wanted to marry someone who would be three years older than me, gave great importance to birthdays and planned for the exact duration and number of times I should do certain things. But somewhere along the line, I stopped caring about birthdays. I mean, I still think they are special, because its a reminder that your life is passing you by and its often filled with surprises. The fun part is, I have zero expectations about birthdays now. So, when anything happens, any gifts that come along - everything becomes a surprise. And pleasant surprises make me smile like there is no tomorrow.

I have also scrapped the ideas of three kids, a three year age difference between ze (still-to-materialise) hubby and I, and the idea of the perfect age for marriage. Also, with great surprise, I realised I don't care about the number of the scale any more. My ideas have become more conceptual and general. I noticed this when I was talking to RIS about dhikr (remembrance of Allah). There are several hadiths about the number of times we should say certain words in order to gain a certain reward. Those used to motivate me greatly a few years ago. However, now, the concept of something like 'keeping your tongue wet with dhikr' (Tirmidhi) appeals to me much more.

I think this happens when you step out of your self and look at life from a bird's eye view. You realise, that somehow, everything must fit together. The specific numbers are not so important because the desired effect/result of a certain thing depends so much more than the number. If the words that you are uttering are not from your heart, nor reaches your heart, why would it have the same effect as someone who utters the same words out of complete conviction in belief? This does not mean that numbers are not important at all, of course. You need a minimum amount of certain things in your life in order to survive, although you may not often understand their importance until much later. This relates to something I've learnt in my first year psychology lessons. Forcing yourself to utter/do something for a certain number of times is the action that affects your attitude in the long term. Which, in turn, helps to set off this long process (one of those photos from one of those Facebook groups):

When it comes to religious rituals, of course, numbers matter when numbers are part of the set ritual. But I think, the main reason for doing any ritual a certain way is because of compliance to God, any other reasons would be secondary. So, the number of times that we offer Salah is most importantly important because it was set by God to be that way. Whether it makes your day optimally productive for the affairs of this world or not is a secondary reasoning. However, when something is not divinely revealed, it is always up for discussion. Also, I find that if I am focusing too much on a specific number, I lose my focus from why that particular action is important. For example, I find it to be much harder to keep with a healthy diet with a target weight in mind. But if I just think that I need to eat healthy to be healthy because of its numerous benefits, it becomes much easier to take a smaller bite out of a chocolate cake.

Therefore, most numbers are currently arbitrary in my life. xD  

All those pieces that I have found

Ramadhan is about three weeks away. Every year, I look forward to this time, yet, when it gets close, I feel like it came way too fast. Quite a few things happened in the last few weeks that disoriented me. But what really tired me out, was the lack of a constant and consistent source of spiritual revival. I remember this quote I wrote down a long time ago - "Nothing is easy if you seek it through yourself. Nothing is difficult if you seek it through your Lord." There are times in your life when you realise the truth of something you have discovered in the past. And you think, how could I have been so stupid as to let myself forget a lesson I learnt and allow myself to go through the entire process again? But then you realise, that is part of living the life of this world. You can climb ten steps then fall all the way again. But the trick is to keep searching for the handle to hold onto. And to try your best to keep climbing.

The past few weeks have also showed me the consequences of lack of prioritising. Actually, the full consequences have not shown itself yet, and there is a huge chance that I may need to carry it with me for a few years. However, this fear that I feel is causing me to not face the thought of thinking about the consequences. But at the same time, I know, just trying to forget about something without dealing with it only takes me further away from climbing up those steps. There are several things that we don't want to do, even though we know that doing them will be good for us. We find excuses to get out of and try to convince ourselves that they are valid reasons. But running away from responsibilities don't make them go away. I guess all we can do is keep forcing ourselves to be absolutely truthful with our own selves.

I have also re-learnt that you cannot, ever, keep everyone happy. There will always be some people that will be unhappy with you. But you have to choose those people carefully. I guess this comes down to prioritising as well. I feel like I need a proper dose of EE's presence in my life. She is a walking, talking, breathing example of a balanced person. Mother of five, a student of knowledge, volunteer worker, great cook and very, very bubbly. She is one of those people that you wish you had the attitude of. Attitude is something that can be learnt, so, I really wish I had some time to spend with her to diffuse it into myself.

Lessons

So a few nights ago, at around 12.30 AM, I began cleaning my room. I cleaned out my entire cupboard - got rid of clothes that I forgot existed (or wished to forget!), arranged the remaining clothes, soft toys and handbags in a conventional feminine manner. I cleaned out my entire bookshelf, chucking out a whole lot of papers. I cleaned out my jewellery, wiping everything down. I was very proud of my achievement (and still am), yet, I realised, it still looked 'messy' to outsiders. To me, it looked perfectly fine, because the major furnitures in my room were neat and tidy. But I still have some books on my bed, some on the floor, pens here and there, a coffee cup and some clothes and a handbag on the chair. This does not bother me, because I know exactly where everything is, and I still have enough space to live comfortably. This is when I realised, I can never live in complete and utter neatness. To me, the way things are right now, seems to be where they should be - I am aware of everything that is happening in this space. If I took a bit more time in cleaning it further, and cleaning every single day, it would seem neat to everyone else too. But, to me, that doesn't matter. Because this is my space.

My point is, I realised, I like the general ideas of things rather than details. I have a general idea of how my life should be and how its going. I have a general idea about the person that I am. The moment I start thinking about specifics is the moment I feel stressed out. But this makes sense to me, because, specifics change constantly. General ideas usually remain the same. So, in making decisions, I would make sure that there's in nothing wrong in an overall sense, rather than, looking at the decision in detail and trying to figure out if there is a possibility of something going wrong. And I like doing this, because, it allows me to live a simple and happy life.

One beautiful idea BDR was talking about the other day was - every single communication that you have causes chemical changes in your brain, thus, affecting your emotions, whether it be in a tiny way or a huge way. Physical communication is of course the type that causes the greatest amount of change, however, even exchange of words through typing can cause it. So, its very very unlikely, that the way that you are at the beginning of a conversation, is the way that you remain at the end of it. I think this is why I love communicating. I love talking to people, because, they change me a little by little.

One concept I talked about a few posts back was about not letting people into your hearts. After a friend pointed out the flaw with that concept, I realised, it is indeed flawed. It is a defence mechanism that you set up in order to not hurt yourself. Which, if you think about it, is fair enough. We are wired to protect ourselves in any way we can and this is one of the ways we would do so. However, I realised that there is a better way to create a balance between your interactions with people and your position with yourself. "Be with the Real without creation. Be with creation without your ego." (Jilani). When you talk to interact with people, open your mind completely so that your ego does not get in the way. If something is pointed out to you that's flawed, accept it. See things as it is. Most importantly, never stop interacting with people. We were created to be social, and thus, losing parts of it would mean losing the balance that was meant for us. But at the same time, when you are with the Real, alone with your Creator, with God, just your mind and Him, be truthful. Be completely and utterly truthful and sort things out with Him, without letting any creation enter in that interaction. Make sure things make sense to yourself. Don't let someone else's idea cloud yours if it doesn't make sense to you. However, don't reject it if it does.

This all makes sense in my head, and I felt the need of writing it down just in case it makes sense in someone else's. Also, I was reading my past posts, and I realised, there are many lessons that I have learnt in the past that I forgot. When this is written in this space, it allows me to re-learn them every now and then.

One lesson that I re-learned in the past few days, is this: "But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah knows, while you know not." (2:216) There were times in my life when I thought, why me? Why, even after trying so hard, am I failing? I made dua, I tried my best, I invested all of my emotions into one particular task, and I still failed. Over and over again. it got to a point where I was averse to the idea of it altogether. And then I finally passed that worldly test. Then I had an accident which could have been much worse than it was. And it seems like all those times that I hated the fact that I failed, maybe, the sadness I felt in my heart, and the duas, maybe all of them added together and reduced the impact of this. The accident could have affected me in such a way that I would have to suffer my entire life. But, it seems as if I almost don't have to suffer.

Never, ever underestimate the power of asking God. God ALWAYS answers. If you ask God, without associating any partners, if you ask Him appealing to the Being that He is, be certain that it'll be answered. It'll be answered in one of three ways - it may be given to you immediately, a calamity would be removed from you, you will be rewarded in the Hereafter.

I guess what I am trying to say is, we can only do as much as we can. We do as much as we can through our actions and dua. And the results are up to Allah. But we should have full faith on the fact that Allah will utterly and completely reward us for every good action that we do and every dua that we make.

So, in summary:
1. Have a general idea of how your life will develop rather than details.
2. Have a balance between interaction with people and interaction with God/alone time.
3. Know that life, at the end of the day, is quite fair. 

Mantra

"Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can." - Arthur Ashe.

Thoughts on parenthood

The more people you meet and the more you get to know them, the more you learn about the world. Its one thing to read theoretical books about behaviour and society (as we do in Psychology), its a completely different thing to see it in real life. I realised that I've lived quite a sheltered life - for which, I am, of course, grateful to my parents. I don't think I could have dealt with the complexities of the world if I didn't grow up with an identity. I mean, I still can't  - there's still a lot of things that I am only just trying to internalise, and I'm not exactly sure what to do with the whole heap of information. I'll have to think about it a little more.

But here's some tips for the future me as a parent. The reason why I'm writing them now is because: a) I know I'll forget the lessons I am learning now in 10-20 years time. b) This skills must be acquired over time.

1. Be organised.
2. Manage your time well so that you have some me-time, us-time, kids-time and world-time.
3. Have a non-judgemental attitude. The worst thing you can do to your kids is to make them feel like you are judging them hence push them away. They should not feel ashamed of themselves. They should always have a problem solving attitude. If they have a weakness, they should be able to come and tell you, ask for help, and try to solve the issue at hand/try to get stronger. You are their biggest mentor. If they can't even tell you what's bothering them, you have just failed at the first step of being a mentor.
4. Try to be the best example you can. But at the same time, don't be a hypocrite. If you have a problem, don't try to solve it yourself. Get your partner involved. If your children are old enough, get them involved. Children can look right past hypocrisy, and when they do, they will learn to be one themselves too.
5. Try your best at everything, and teach them to try their best. When you have this attitude, they will forgive you for any shortcomings you have, because, you have indeed tried your best. They will be more open to your suggestions. At the same time, don't expect to get your results straight away from this world. Your reward is with Allah. If things go wrong after you have tried your best, just let it go and try to work from there. Do not plunge into denial and depression.

The reward for being a parent and the status to which you should hold your parents have been mentioned several times in the Quran and Sunnah. So, being a good parent is a guaranteed way to enter Jannah. However, it is not an easy task. Alhamdulillah, I think my parents have done their absolute best with me and my siblings. They have tried to give us everything they had and could not have, in terms of tangible and intangible. And I am sure their parents have done the same, and so on and so forth. So, we will probably try to do the same for our future generation, but they will probably feel that it is not enough. However, the important thing is to keep the communication going. If you are a parent that can learn from your children, you are already halfway there.

Quick thoughts

In an attempt to stay away from the person I almost became, I have stuffed my life with responsibilities so that I don't have time to breathe, let alone let my thoughts go haywire. Then I realised that this is not the way to go - I need to let myself breathe in order to not let myself die. So I got rid of some of my responsibilities and took on some relaxing self-improvement activities. This would have been perfectly fine if I was organised. If I managed my time well, I could have potentially juggled it all and still lived healthily in every sphere of life. However, my lack of time management meant that I fly through a few weeks in absolute relaxation, and cry through a few in absolute exhaustion. If I just do the right thing in the right time, this would not happen. I know this and I have learnt it in the hard way, but I still keep making the same mistake over and over again. This is something that I really have to work on for the second half of the year so that I can look back at the end of the year, and see that I've learnt something.

This month is going to be crazy! It has already began its craziness, however, it shall continue to escalate until the very last week. Several changes are happening in our family - almost every single member has something eventful this month. However, everything in life is a test, whether we perceive it to be good or bad. What we need to do is hold on and try our best to get closer to God through these. Because, in the end, the only absolute truth about life is death. And thus, the only thing that matters is the eternal life after death. So, the only purpose of what we do is to add on to the happiness of that eternity. And the only way to do so is to get closer to God through every single situation. 

The crashes are heaven for a sinner like me

When nothing is certain about the future, we try to make it ourselves. We settle for second best, because the best isn't here yet, and there is no guarantee that it will ever be. We only look at the options in front of us and pick the what seems to be the least negative of all, desperate to get out of the situation we are currently in. We don't believe others when they say we deserve better, and will receive better, only if we wait for it to come around. Alhamdulillah, I am not in that state right now, but I can see plenty of people around me that are. I wish there was some way I could make them see what I see. However, I also see what they see from where they are standing. From where they are standing, they cannot see ahead, thus, they believe that the road ahead does not exist, and they must pave it themselves.

At the end of the day, every single person is flawed. They would not be people if they were not. Therefore, one should never depend completely on someone else, nor should they make anyone dependent on themselves. There should not be one single person that fills your heart, because the moment they leave, you will feel empty without end. In fact, every single person that you let enter your heart becomes a danger to you. Because, even if they take up a very tiny space, they will still leave that bit vacant when they leave. However, it is natural for us to cling to something. Therefore, the best Being to cling to is God, because He is the only Being in your entire existence that will never leave your heart, unless you prevent yourself from letting Him enter or push Him away.

But when you have pushed Him away, it feels horribly humiliating to call Him back. So, you keep delaying the call. You keep losing yourself into everything that is not real, even though you know for sure its not the path you should take. And it becomes a constant cycle, a labyrinth you lose yourself in.

The world is annoying me with all its imperfection.

"And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,
And all this devotion was rushing out of me,
And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me,
The arms of the ocean deliver me." 

Procrastinating, obviously.

I am attempting to pull another allnighter due to another assignment. I am being VERY organised because this assignment isn't due till Thursday. But I also have a thousand other things to do within that time. I have my coffee, my room is relatively clean, I am underneath my bed (and my bed has finally been rid of all papers except for the assignment sheet!) and I have a whole lot of tabs with articles that I must take notes from. YET I kept winding up on Facebook. Hence, I decided to post up a quick update over here so that I take out all of my procrastination angst in one place then sit and read with a clear mind.

- I turned 21 exactly a month and ten days ago.
- I got my Ps! (After 4 years, 4 trials and hundreds of dollars slipping from my nearly empty wallet)
- I drove to and from work, at night, by myself.
I feel like a grown up. xD

Go to Youtube. Search 'Tales of Mere Existence - Procrastination'.

And again.

Although I often forget that my heart is only Yours

You keep me close, You hold my hand and lead me into light.

Although I turn my back on You and think I am enough

You push me in a corner, with no results, I fight. 

And when I lose - yet again - I feel like such a fool,

I realise that I've been here many times before

When I keep sinking to the bottom of the sea

You always bring me right back to the shore. 

Reminder

When summer turns to autumn then winter, leaves are supposed to turn yellow, then fall off. Green grasses are supposed to become a thing of the past. You are supposed to be sick. Because, if winter never came around, you would not appreciate the beauty of spring. You would not witness the beginning of blooming flowers. You would not be amazed by the slow revival of colours in a grey day. Hence, when those grey days come around, do not despair. Indeed, with hardship, comes ease.

Sickness, loneliness (and also - some happiness!)

Its that time of the year again - I have tissues sprawled everywhere, my nose and eyes are running simultaneously, I have a constant headache, my throat hurts and my voice seems to disappear every now and then. I am sick. This does not happen often. But when it does - it happens at the worst of times. I have an assignment due on Tuesday. I have work and uni all week. I cannot afford to lie on my bed all day even though it is the only activity I would like to (and probably should!) engage in for the next few days.

However, I am left with a empty cup of coffee, a few tunes, blank papers and the article I am supposed to be analysing. So far, I have written a little over 300 words, which I am expecting to magically turn into 1500 words by the end of tonight. After which, I am planning to take off work (I'm sick!) and sleep. By the end of tonight, I am expecting to get sicker anyway. Although, I hate taking work off. I have a love-hate relationship with my current work. I am a junior therapist for two little autistic boys. Currently, they are the cutest and most loved boys in my life. I love it when they wrap their arms around me and giggle. I love laughing like crazy at lame things like a toy car driving up the wall, singing nursery rhymes tunelessly and hearing my name from their little lips.

One thing I love about kids is that they get amused by very small things and start to love anyone they have a bit of fun with. They are free of inhibitions that fill an adult's mind. They don't worry about risks, nor do they judge too quick. But then, they don't have to. The older we grow, the more we know, the more we begin to see the long road ahead of us. The more we see that road, the more cautious we become. The more reserved, the more 'rational', they more careful.

Apart from kids and all the good things that come with them, lately, I have also been thinking about loneliness. I know its all about perception. You may feel lonely amongst a thousand people, and at the same time, you can be without loneliness even when you are by yourself. The only Being that can quench your thirst is God, because if you can perceive that God loves you more than any other being can ever do, you can see that if you fill your heart with His love, it is enough. Alhamdulillah, this concept is easy for me to grasp because I have been exposed to it, have learnt about it and have felt it. Even then, sometimes, that feeling leaves me. I was thinking about the people that have not experienced it, or do not experience it often. Everyone leaves, all the time. And when your heart is attached to one particular person, you are bound to become lonely eventually. And if your heart is attached to a few people, you will still become lonely in the future, and you will be hurt over and over again. And way too many people cling on to other people, if not outwardly, they do in their hearts. And loneliness is ever present in them.

Anyway, I think I should stop philosophising because it will neither get me money nor sleep nor any closer to  where I want to be (unless someone reads my words and are so moved that they miraculously change their life for the better... highly unlikely. :P). Anyway, one of the loneliest songs I know is a song called Near to You by A Fine Frenzy. Although, as a student of Psychology, I should know that I should not tell you this, because, if you are lonely, and you listen to this song, it will make you feel lonelier. And if you are not lonely, and you listen to this song, you will probably start to feel lonely. And loneliness is not a positive emotion.

Time to get off. :)

Florence + the Machine

I love the beginning bits of Florence + the Machine songs. I wish the whole songs were as great as the beginnings. They have great imagery that generate a whole lot of emotions. When you start listening to dog days, you actually smile, because you remember the times when happiness hit you like a train on a track. Who comes up with something like that? Train on a track?

"Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still, no turning back.
She hid around corners, and she hid under beds,
She killed in with kisses, and from it she fled,
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink..."

"You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between what I thought and what I said.
You are the night time fear
You are the morning when its clear
When its over you will start
You're my head, you're my heart.

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes;
I never knew daylight could be so violent..."

"Regrets collect like old friends,
Here to relieve your darkest moments.
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play.
And every demon wants his pound of flesh..."

Nanu, again. :)

Nanu is visiting us for three months. The last time she came here was seven years ago - back in my immature days. I remember being very rude to her - being annoyed when she asked me to do little things, hating the way she walks so slow, thinking that its pointless that she writes everything that happens in her diary. I never really appreciated her. We went to Bangladesh at the end of the next year. I still didn't like being around nanu very much. I preferred getting up to mischief with my cousins and talking to my choto mami about girly things. The next time I saw her was the next time we went to Bangladesh - when I was seventeen - and I still haven't quite grown up yet. I still got up to mischief, to a slightly greater degree than time before. I still didn't like hanging around nanu. 

Then I finished school and started university. A lot of things changed. When I think about it, I realise how much Allah has blessed me all my life, and especially these last few years. I started to figure out who the important people in my life are, realised what my priorities should be and cleaned up my act a little. At the end of first year, I went to Bangladesh again. Since I had bad experiences for the past couple of times, I was a bit weary of going back. I knew that the adults didn't have a good impression of me, and at the same time, I knew that the things I got up to in the past no longer interested me. I felt like I had to wear a mask of happiness. When I told my sis about it, she said something really important to me - something that I still live by. She said that the happiness doesn't have to be a mask, I can make it real. I don't have to only seem like I am enjoying my stay, I can really try to enjoy it. Instead of thinking 'I just have to be patient these six weeks and then I can relax', I can really try to get to know the people, experience whatever I can and change my life a little. 

Things started to seem very different to me. I didn't feel like getting up to much 'mischief'. (Although... my cousins and I did sneak out in the middle of the night and almost got kidnapped once.) I could see through a lot of people and their fake concern for my well-being. Amongst all of these self discoveries, B was getting married, so everyone in the family was pretty much in one place. That was the time that I really got to 'know' some of the adults in our family. Nanu told me about the different proposals that nanabhai got, and why he rejected all of them, and how he ended up married the 'dark-skinned' girl. She told me about her life before marriage and the things she studied. My mum's sisters and brothers told me about all the mischief they got up to when they were little - the times they got into trouble. There are some things that they still don't feel comfortable talking about in front of their mother, even though its been years and years! Some of them stopped caring of their ego and admitted their weaknesses. I really felt like I connected to them.

And at the same time, I yearned to come back because I hated everything else. I hardly had freedom because of the lack of security. At home, I can leave home any time I want, go anywhere I want and come back at night if need be. I remember walking back home around 10 pm once because of some transport issues, and my parents were still not overtly worried. But in Bangladesh, the furthest I went without a chaperone was to a shop in the street that we stayed at. They got worried if I went up on to the roof for too long! And then there is the issue of corruption. Everyone is lying everywhere! Kids are lying to their parents, parents are lying to their kids - trust is absent from the place where trust is the most important - a family. And everyone expects everyone else to be distrustful, so they live very suspicious lives. That was far more suffocating than the pollution. 

Both of these factors led to one thing - my inability to create change. And there's only so long a person can watch things that need to be changed and stay quiet with the guilt. Eventually, you learn to shut everything out and turn into zombies like everyone else. Alhamdulillah - my current life makes me feel very lucky in that sense. I am doing things that has a direct positive effect on other people's lives, in the short term and in the long term. And a life lived in such a way is so much more fulfilling! 

So the best combination is, having nanu over here. And that's what I have now! I have intellectual conversations with her, talk about the past, talk about things she worries about, learn from each other. The thing that I love about nanu is that she really listens - she doesn't just hear things - she takes words to heart. So speaking good words to her is definitely worth it. Now, I love the little things she tells me to do. I love her stories, I love the way she scolds me. I love the way her skin crinkles, I love the way she laughs (she laughs a little like me... I was told my laughter is like my other grandma, but I am finding similarities with this one too. When any one of us laugh, our entire body shakes). I love the way she speaks. 

May Allah bless her forever.