Kolkata

Kolkata was amazing. We left Dhaka at around 11 AM on a delayed flight and reached Kolkata at around 11 AM. :) We got on a round yellow taxi that ricketted all the way to a cluster of hotels, none of which took us in. But I was thrilled just to think that I was in the city I read about all this time! To cut a long story short - It took us about 3 hours to find a hotel and move in. A tiny room in Gulshan Cottage was our home for the next two days. Ma Baba and I shared the double bed. I felt like a baby again!
After lunch, we went shopping in the huge New Market. A disgusting smell entered our nose when we entered the market. We figured the mysterious smell came from the freely roaming cattle and goats. For the next few hours, Ma shopped, Baba and I tagged along. The interesting thing was the way they talked. Yes, they really say 'dada' and can't pronounce chh and sh. They also exaggerate everything they say. Literally every shop had lemon and chilli hanging infront of it for good luck. At around 7, in desperation to put something in our stomach, we went to a street restaurant and spent about 30 rupees for dinner for 3. The yellow walls were black with grease. On one side, a little boy was making something like noodles. All the strands dwandled on the floor. After we ordered and sat down, I realised every pair of eyes were on us! The food was not too bad - well, my food wasn't too bad. Baba took meat and rice, which was provided on greasy plates. Our hungry mouths gobbled down whatever we got.
On our way back to our hotel, we baught peyara, biscuits and 'kurkure'. We also passed a piggery.

Next day was our sightseeing day. Breakfast - toast biscuit, a banana. After about half an hour of bargaining, we got on a taxi that patiently stayed with us the whole day. We passed a huge house, which was once Rani Rasmoni's palace. It extended for a whole street, in fact, the name of the street became Rani Rasmoni Rd! Her ancestors occupy the place now. We also saw trams. The tram lines run along Kolkata streets and cars and taxis run on top of them. They move if a tram is coming.
He took us to College Street!!! Presidency! Coffee House! OH EM GEE. Anjan Datta's Coffee House is off College Street, on the second floor of an old building. The alleyway is filled with bookstores. Most of the buildings in Kolkata are very old, with olden wooden windows and fading walls. We climbed up a few dark steps and reached Coffee House. We took a sit next to the window. Sunlight streamed through the window and onto our table, and I felt, yet again, THIS IS THE COFFEE HOUSE! The ceiling was really high, with ceiling fans hanging off. Everything was as dirty as the rest of Kolkata, but that prompted my spirit to increase further. Young couples and groups of friends sat here and there. We ordered shingara and coffee. I took a cold coffee with cream. It was all very nice food. :)
We walked through Presidency for a few minutes, bought some more peyara and got on our taxi again, off College St. Then we went to Rabindro Sharani and Nakhoda Mosque.

We saw Hoogly Bridge - new and the old one, walked by Ganga. Ganga is as dirty as they describe it. I had bharer cha there. We walked for a while and then had jhalmuri for lunch. We saw a puja happening. We also saw premium dating spots by Ganga, with a few couples occupying them. A guy was shaving his head by the river. We also saw boats but the price was too high and time was too limited for us to go on. Then we crossed railtracks and got back on our taxi.

Then we went to Victoria Memorial. The taxi driver dropped us off because there was no parking space infront of the park. We got off and then realised the price was 15 times high for us because we don't hold Indian Passport. Oh well. It wasn't worth going in anyway. But we went on Horse carriage from outside the gate and had fuchka. Dhaka's fuchkas are so much better! We also saw banorer nach. The monkey took a coin off my hand!!

Then we went to Science City, which did not really represent the real Kolkata.

The best thing about Kolkata are the streets, people and the entertainment. They are so vibrant and dirty at the same time that it really felt like I was dreaming. I had so much more to write, but my hands are tired. Kolkata is really an amazing city for a two day holiday.

Idiots Guide to My Life (source: Wiki)

Procrastination is a type of behavior which is characterized by deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite procrastination as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision. ^[1] Psychology researchers also have three criteria they use to categorize procrastination. They believe that procrastination must be counterproductive, needless, and delaying.^[2]

For an individual, procrastination may result in stress, a sense of guilt, the loss of personal productivity, the creation of crisis and the disapproval of others for not fulfilling one's responsibilities or commitments. These combined feelings can promote further procrastination. While it is normal for people to procrastinate to some degree, it becomes a problem when it impedes normal functioning. Chronic procrastination may be a sign of an underlying psychological or physiological disorder.

The word itself comes from the Latin word procrastinatus: pro- (forward) and crastinus (of tomorrow). The term's first known appearance was in Edward Hall's The Union of the Noble and Illustre Famelies of Lancastre and York, first published sometime before 1548.^[3] The sermon reflected procrastination's connection at the time to task avoidance or delay, volition or will, and sin.

Academic procrastination

While academic procrastination is not a special type of procrastination, procrastination is thought to be particularly prevalent in the academic setting, where students are required to meet deadlines for assignments and tests in an environment full of events and activities which compete for the students' time and attention. More specifically, a 1992 study showed that "52% of surveyed students indicated having a moderate to high need for help concerning procrastination"^[7].

Some students struggle with procrastination due to a lack of time management or study skills, stress, or feeling overwhelmed with their work

Student syndrome refers to the phenomenon that many students will begin to fully apply themselves to a task only just before a deadline. This leads to wasting any buffers built into individual task duration estimates.

The term originated in Eliyahu M. Goldratt's novel-style book Critical Chain. The principle is also addressed in Agile Software Development.

For example, if a group of students goes to a professor and asks for an extension to a deadline, they will usually defend their request by noting how much better their project will be if they are given more time to work on it; they request this with the intent to distribute their work time across the remainder of the time until the deadline. In reality, however, most students will have other tasks or events that place demands on their time. They will often end up close to the same situation they started with, wishing they had more time as the new delayed deadline approaches.

This same behaviour is seen in businesses; in project and task estimating, a time- or resource-buffer is applied to the task to allow for overrun or other scheduling problems. However, with student syndrome the latest possible start of tasks causes the buffer for any given task to be wasted beforehand, rather than kept in reserve. Like students, many workers do not complete assignments early, but wait until the last minute before starting, often having to rush to submit their assignment minutes before the deadline. A similar phenomenon is seen every year in the United States and Mexico when personal tax returns are due, as large numbers of people queue until their post office closes, in order to get their tax return postmarked.

Types of procrastinators

The relaxed type

The relaxed type of procrastinators view their responsibilities negatively and avoid them by directing energy into other tasks. It is common, for example, for relaxed type procrastinating children to abandon schoolwork but not their social lives. Students often see projects as a whole rather than breaking them into smaller parts. This type of procrastination is a form of denial or cover-up; therefore, typically no help is being sought. Furthermore, they are also unable to defer gratification. The procrastinator avoids situations that would cause displeasure, indulging instead in more enjoyable activities. In Freudian terms, such procrastinators refuse to renounce the pleasure principle, instead sacrificing the reality principle. They may not appear to be worried about work and deadlines, but this is simply an evasion.^[8]

The tense-afraid type

The tense-afraid type of procrastinator usually feels overwhelmed with pressure, unrealistic about time, uncertain about goals and many other negative feelings. Feeling that they lack the ability or focus to successfully complete their work, they tell themselves that they need to unwind and relax, that it's better to take it easy for the afternoon, for example, and start afresh in the morning. They usually have grandiose plans that aren't realistic. Their 'relaxing' is often temporary and ineffective, and leads to even more stress as time runs out, deadlines approach and the person feels increasingly guilty and apprehensive. This behavior becomes a cycle of failure and delay, as plans and goals are put off, penciled into the following day or week in the diary again and again. It can also have a debilitating effect on their personal lives and relationships. Since they are uncertain about their goals, they often feel awkward with people who appear confident and goal-oriented, which can lead to depression. Tense-afraid procrastinators often withdraw from social life, avoiding contact even with close friends.^[8]

Stigma and misunderstanding

Procrastinators often have great difficulty in seeking help, or finding an understanding source of support, due to the stigma and profound misunderstanding surrounding extreme forms of procrastination. The problem is often mischaracterised simply as laziness, a lack of willpower, or lack of ambition.^{[citation needed]}

22.11.08

I’m supposed to be writing my essay for the upcoming English exam which contributes to 30% of the school mark going towards the final HSC mark. If I don’t attempt this test, my mark is capped to 85%. Considering my English skills, my mark is capped to about 60%. In plain English (note the pun! hehe), If I don’t put some effort in this essay, I’m screwed.

But the words are not flowing out of my fingers. All I see is facebook photos of year 12 formals and forwards from people I never talk to. By the way, some of the formal photos left me gaping for a while. The tall and nerdy Alex and annoying Danijela actually look like, um, ‘grow-ups’. I can imagine Alex studying literature in Sydney Uni, passionately talking about some old book he dug up two days ago; or strumming a guitar, wearing those daggy clothes that all musicians seem to wear. I can also totally imagine the skinny, annoying Danijela in a dinner table, looking like someone from TV. I can’t believe these people are only a year above me!

And I can’t believe I’d see two new countries in two weeks time!

A lot of things are happening in (or around) my life right now.

1. Our house is getting painted by the men in our family. They want to paint the bathroom the same colour as the kitchen.

2. My first exams for the final year of my schooling life start in seven days.

3. I helped a friend with a huge decision. This makes me feel like I have a say in someone’s life. It feels great. :D

4. We’re packing many suitcases for our journey to three, possibly four, countries. (The rest of the family is; I’m usually just sitting with a book in front of me. No, I don’t study 24/7. But I’m getting quite good at pretending to study 24/7!)

5. Life is wonderful when God makes you feel like you’re in control of parts of it.

This blog is so dead I don’t even know why I write here any more. I remember ‘those days’... the days when Flynn and Ashes and Daggers and Snowy and Doe and Peach and Nira (occasionally her two sisters too) were still alive. Daggers was in year 12, just like me now. Flynn, Emu and Hijabi Princess were younger. Ashes and Nira actually talked to us. We had long and reflective discussions about marriages and weddings, which none of us knew about back then, and wondered about the unknown life. Everyone was so full of dreams and hopes that nothing seemed impossible.

24.11.08 - I feel like something bad is going to happen any moment now because life is just too perfect right now. Perfection is not reality.

p.s: I'm really looking forward to 11th December 08.

p.p.s: Our bathroom isn't the same colour as the kitchen. Now its pink. Its better than olive, because that colour reminds me of olives, and then food. I'd rather not, not in the bathroom!

p.p.p.s: I've finished a third of my essay!

Shine.

You can give your life, you can lose your soul
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
shine

You say that you never had a moment and nobody needs you
So cry, so cry
You believe that life rolls by just to deceive you
By your time, by your time
You’re getting old
And the longer you take, the slower your pain will grow
It will grow, it will grow
You can close you eyes
And hope that when you open them you’ve got a brand new life

You can give your life, you can lose your soul
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you…
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine
(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)
(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)
Shine
(You can try)

Grow up and make the best of what you’ve got
Of what you’ve got
The days are going by and you’re sittin’ on your arse
And you’re wondering why, why, why, yeah

You can give your life or you can lose your soul
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you…
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine

You say that you’ve never had a moment and nobody needs you
So cry, so cry
You believe that life rolls by just to deceive you
By your time, by your time
You’re getting old
And the longer you take the slower your pain will grow
It’ll grow, it’ll grow
You can close you eyes
And hope that when you open them you’ve got a brand new life

You can give your life or you can lose your soul
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you…
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine

(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)
(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)

You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine

Live, please?

I know you'll be here. And yes, I was there, even though you thought no one could find you there. Don't hide from life, don't run away, and it will give something to you. You worry about your age, but it is nothing compared to the world. Billions and billions of years old - but it is still getting damaged by people. Who cares if others want to damage you? Please don't damage yourself!
I also know you would rather listen to famous, reliable people, rather than my advice. I picked out some for you, hope you like it.
Hope you would give your life another chance.

“Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.”
Unknown

“Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once.”
Lillian Dickson

“Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars.”
Henry Van Dyke

“We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It's a messy business, life. It's hard to figure - full of surprises. Some good. Some bad.”
Henry Bromel

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”
Unknown

“Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.”
William James

“The fear of life is the favorite disease of the 20th century.”
William Lyon Phelps
(please don't conform!)

"He is able who thinks he is able."
Buddha

“Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.”
Laurence J. Peter

And this are snippets of lyrics from some of my favourite songs.

"Youth is like diamonds in the sun,
And diamonds are forever,
So many adventures couldn't happened today,
So many songs that we forgot to play,
So many dreams swimming out in the blue,
Let them come true"

"Find your mirror go and look inside
And see the talent you always hide
Don't go kidd yourself well not today
Satisfaction's not to far away"

"But if we hide ourselves away
Afraid to grow and learn
We might wake up in the flames
Of the ignorance that burns
And we’ll never be much more
Than only casualties of war
In a struggle we can’t win
If we have no faith to begin
We’ve got to tip the lid
And let some sunlight in
Cause the world is not a box"

You can't take your life away. You'll be wasting a brain, a heart and a soul. None of these are yours.

Learning the Truth

I was reading the last chapters of Looking For Alibrandi again yesterday and came across this song. Apparently, people learn the truth at seventeen. I'm half way past it. Why am I still so ignorant about life?

I was in year nine or ten when I read the book for the first time. I remember thinking, why is it such a big deal? HSC is just HSC! Why would people commit suicide for it? Why would others need a support network just because of a set of exams? Why would anyone feel nervous at all?

I think I can relate to Josie a bit now. Her life and mine are slightly similar.

Seventeen - Janice Ian

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired.
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth.
And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say come dance with me
and murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems
At seventeen.
A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
said, Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve.
The rich relationed hometown queen
Married into what she needs
A guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly.
Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
Indebentures of quality
And dubious integrity.
Their small town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received
At seventeen.
To those of us who know the pain
Of valentines that never came,
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me.
We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, come dance with me
and murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me
At seventeen.

My Updated, Upbeat Life

My final year of high school started out of nowhere about three weeks ago. I am still adjusting my eyes to the bright light at the end of the tunnel, which is something like Medicine in UNSW. And the lesser bright light next to it spells out M-E-D-I-C-I-N-E-,-U-W-S. If I can’t get their fast and qualified enough for the brighter one, I wouldn’t mind taking the second way out. The problem is that I might not get their in time for that one either. Quoting Scarlett, “I will think about that later.”

Year twelve is nothing like year eleven. The work is much harder, comes in bigger loads and has to be done faster. The worst part is – all of it counts towards determining how realistic my dream of successfully reaching the end of the tunnel is. If I screw up once, it’ll be a big, fat, permanent black mark on my newly cleaned record. But – I will think about that later.

My new timetable is so inelastic to my demands, no matter how much tax I impose on these, they won’t budge. The bad things about it include:
My extremely ignorant and boring economics teacher.
My incredibly annoying maths teacher.
Morning classes – twice a week.
Monday afternoon maths classes, when the rest of the year 12s get to go home.

I am so disadvantaged that I really should be given the right to apply for extra points. And then there is the added problem of travelling so far away. And then... and... And etc. Yup I should be able to get a 99 by scraping past 80.
I wish.

Ohhh. The good news is – I am studying Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close as an Area of Study text! I was so, so happy to see it on the list I could’ve cried. Dear Oskar would be back to me and I would be back to dealing with fictitious characters’ depression and coming up with amazing ideas and theories and feeling quite smart for doing so. The bad news is – I threw out last year’s notes.

Maths isn’t that bad either – apart from Ms Trotter. She literally trots!
(I just looked up ‘trotter’ in Encarta Dictionary Tools.
trot·ter [tróttər]
(plural trot·ters)
n
1.
food pig or sheep foot: the foot of an animal, especially that of a pig or sheep, when used as food
2.
horseracing trotting person or animal: somebody who or something that trots, especially a horse that has been specially trained to trot in harness
LOL!)

I am trying to like her attention on me. I figured, the only way I have a chance of ever getting my way with her is if I sit at the front and nod and smile enthusiastically at everything she says for five minutes. It’s working. She feels loved and therefore does not mind if I don’t pay attention for the rest of the period. I can’t help it! She even makes extension 2 look boring!

Steven makes my week complete every Friday with extension 2 and I am guaranteeing it – this subject is probably the most interesting one I’m doing. In the past two years, I never thought I would associate ‘interesting’ with ‘maths’, but Steve simply and easily made this impossible concept possible to bear. I wish I could tell him how great a teacher he is. Even though I’ve only been his student for about a month, I can already feel the change within me. My competitive nature for solving problems is finally emerging again. The last time I felt this ‘fresh’ about maths would probably be year 6. I even dreamt about maths twice in the last three weeks!

(I’ve just read over that paragraph and I sound crazy. Enough about maths.)

In the midst of this chaotic year, I’ll be going to BD inshaallah – exactly 40 days later. I have a things-to-do-before-I-go-to-BD list somewhere, which includes many things like ‘lose 10 kilos’ and ‘get rid of accent’. I haven’t done any of them. I keep extending the last date for ‘lose 10 kilos’. Right now, I’m giving myself the excuse of HSC. Everyone gets fat during their final year, so I might as well stay this way. With that thought out of the way, I am increasingly getting excited everyday. BD changed me a lot last time I went, and I wonder if it’ll have a similar effect on me this time. I hope I change to be better, instead of coming back with a little bit of my innocence gone, again.

Here you go, dear Miss Emu, an update of my life. Now you have no excuse to not know that I will still be at school for one more year. :P

ps: I met an apu recently who hated maths in high school. Now, she is studying accounting and married to a mathematician. I love irony when its to do with other people’s lives.

Sincere Attempt at Sincere Poetry - stuff straight out of my heart

Do you know how much I love you?
My heart breaks every time you shout at me.
It leaps out of its cage every time you hug.
My lips tremble at your exhausted, bitter, slashing words.
Yet, my nose does not want to stop smelling you.
It hurt a lot when you pulled my hair.
But it hurts more when you want to cut off the invisible string that ties my heart to yours.

I know you love me more than I can ever love you.
Do you know exactly how much I love you?

I know this all seems empty to you.
Empty words with empty letters in empty envelopes in empty post office in the empty city of my empty, non-existant heart. Right?
Right.
I am empty.
Without you.

I love you, this much, and much more.

23/09/08

The day you told me you always thought I would be the child closest to you, but I broke your heart by not being her. I hope you know - I love you, this much, and much more.

Draft #3

I slept about ten hours last night, yet the whole day my eyes have been sore and tired to the point that I dozed off while talking to people. The sleep in the long train rides did not satisfy them, nor the half-an-hour nap during a free period. It was worrying me so much that I actually went to a doctor. Obviously, he said there's nothing wrong with them. :S Its better to be safe than sorry. Once, an optometrist told me I don't cry enough, (He said my eyes should be wet more frequently.. but same thing.) and that's why my eyes are drier than normal people. LOL.

So anyway, I was at the library today, and there was this girl sitting next to me, who constantly kept glancing at my screen. Not that there was anything to look at. (:0) But it still violated my rights! I tried giving her the look, the smile, the fidgeting. She still kept glancing. So I started doing the same because chorer mon beshir bhag shomoy pulish pulish hoy. But she wasn't doing anything that should be dobbed about either. I got bored after a while.

Half way through reading Emma, now. Its not as bad as everyone makes it out to be, although Miss Bates can get quite tedious at times.

Meh. Eyes hurting again.

And it goes on

I was forced to retreat to my study table on a relaxable Friday night. I was so hopeful that I would get a bit of time to unwind on the net that I got really, really disappointed when I was told not to. What could I do? I couldn't study, I couldn't have fun at home, I couldn't go out since the place I live in is not very safe on Friday nights. That's when the idea struck me. Instead of lazing around and sulking about having too many problems and no solution or direction to my life, I could just come up with solutions. LOL.

So, I ripped out an A4 piece of paper from my hated Economics workbook which I hardly use anyway, and wrote away. My goal is to reach the goals by the 7th of Dec, 08. The actual goals are not to be discussed with anyone else, so I can't really publish them on a public blog. BUT, what I can say, is that, one of the goals are to do with school work. And the steps towards that is to do four hours of school work on weeknights and 8 hours on Saturdays. (note: school work = homework + assignments + making notes + reading over notes + studying for exams + practising speeches + anything else related to school)

The day after, aka the-first-Saturday-of-my-new-directed-life, I worked for 6 hours. Sunday, 2 hours. Monday, 2 hours. TUESDAY - 4 HOURS!

Today - zilch.

I had every intention of doing things today. I wrote up a list of things to do, stuck it in front of my nose and started going through them. Somehow, I got distracted again. Here I am. Procrastinating. While sister watches House. Life seriously succotashes.

By the way, I have to write a poem about a tabooed issue in society. Any ideas? Its supposed to be due tomorrow, but its just homework and I'm pretty sure most of the class won't do it by tomorrow.

Anyway, I have to retire to bed. Toodles!

Shiitaking it Out

Ok. So school starts tomorrow and I just looked at my check-list again. I've only finished a couple of things I planned to do... OUT OF LIKE. FIFTY!! Its really annoying because out the things I finished, I have to fix most of them up too. I have an English extension analytical essay tomorrow and I really don't think I am in an analysing mood right now. I probably won't be tomorrow either. Gosh! Succotash the test, Mr Simon, you edible-Asian-mushroom! Shiitake!

I mean, I love the book 'Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close' because its so full of truisms and cheesy statements in special attires. If I haven't told you the story before - here's the rundown: a nine-year-old boy, Oskar, too smart for his age, loses his father in the 9/11 incident. That makes him lose some brain cells too and he goes extremely crazy because he feels extremely lonely and guilty. He finds a clue to a puzzle that his dad told him to solve before he died and starts to work on it. In the end, he realises it wasn't even a clue. I know that doesn't sound great, but trust me, Jonathan Safran Foer can say it much better than I can!

Anyway, the point is, its such a good book that its almost too good to write an essay on. It can be analysed deeper and deeper everyday, and I really don't mind doing that, but what I am afraid of is Mr Simon. I've heard he's a great English teacher, but in the past, he rejected my ideas. I can't afford to get a low mark in this subject again. And I can't afford to drop it because I think I'll drop physics. And I can't drop both because its not possible to get a Higher School Certificate with only nine units. Unless I pick up extension 2 maths.

naahh.

I used to love Oskar. How can someone be so truthful and brilliant, right? Then I realised, he doesn't really know how to love. Like his mother said, he is very definitive. He can't understand in-betweens. Even gray is either black or white to him. He can't be real. Even if he is, he doesn't suit the reality I live in. Heck! 9-year-olds can't do all that anyway! But how old do you need to be to meet the criteria? 15? 20? What if that's not enough either?

Shiitake! I don't know what I'm talking about! I think this is the side effect of stressing out about tomorrow's exam. It seriously succotash-es!

Wandering Daughter

Haven't watched Juno yet, but have heard a lot about its soundtracks. So one fine morning I decided to listen to them. Most of the songs are composed and sung by Kimya Dawson. She has an absolutely adorable voice and the words are too captivating to not be looked up. The imagery is so creative and specific that it gets stuck in your brain. Anyway, so I got over her songs from Juno after about a month. Then I listened to another song yesterday, and fell in love with them again. Its called 'Wandering Daughter. Its about six minutes long, contains minimal music and lots and lots of wisdom and truth. The theme reminds me of 'traveller' and her innocent voice reminds of Dawud Wharnsby Ali.

Here it goes:

I am the wanderer's wandering daughter
wrestle the pestle for the sake of the mortar
i love as i breathe and leave as i live
my cast iron shield's a titanium sieve

and a castle that's built on confusion and doubt
is a nickel within and a dollar without
just when the shoes seem so big i can't win
i fill my own sneakers and take off again

i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
take all my pain and i mix it with water
it's sunny it's sweet and i don't purple stuff it
one day by the way i met little miss muffet

i blew my mind with the stuff that i taught her
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
i said if a spider should sit down beside you
tell him your name and then tell him the truth

a great hairy spider appeared there and then
and the holes in my soul started letting in wind
i felt like a lamb being led to the slaughter
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter

she said i'm miss muffet i'm very afraid
but something inside me is making me stay
i know deep down that if i run away
i'll just meet more spiders and still feel the same

the spider he smiled and said how is this true
when i am so terribly smaller than you?
my web it just went in the way the wind blew
what i was in for i hadn't a clue

he touched her face gently with six of his legs
and licked from her chin a speck of curds and whey
when i was certain they'd both be okay
i tightened my laces and i walked away

as i walked away i was feeling excluded
wishing my impulses weren't diluted
the muscle i hustle is real for my friends
but the muscle i keep for myself is pretend

i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
travel the land and i live like a martyr
the things that i do aren't the things that i teach
if i spend my time practicing when will i preach?

i do what i must as you do what you oughta
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
take all my pain and mix it with water
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter

i'm lost and alone and i'm fair and i'm free
you am what you is and i are who i be
what i'm lacking in strength i make up for in smarts
you keep your stability i'll keep my heart

fear finds october emotions are juices
beat around bushes and make up excuses
go out for ceruleans come home with chartreuses
snip and cut bonsais and turn them to spruces

miss muffet called me and she said don't cry
real friends are friends until after they die
still i romanticize all this disorder
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
hop the next bus and run for the border
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter
give you my life if you give me a quarter
i am the wanderer's wandering daughter

so long it's been good to know ya
so long it's been good to know ya
so long it's been good to know ya
i've got to be moving along

An extremely clever piece of work :D

In the midst of my heart

Happiness doesn't play a part.
All is evil, all the dark
Thoughts entangled in a spark.
Endless lies have made their way

Yonder, shading me in grey,
Over and over again,
Ushering inside, the pain.

p.s.: See, just because I use cheats, sometimes, doesn't mean I'm not smart!

p.p.s: I'm not an emo!!

p.p.p.s: This was not intended for anyone.

Draft #2

warning: I may sound like a little emo kid at times. ITS OK. I think my life is as important as a grain of sand in Sahara. (refer to Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer)

There are two types of people in my life right now.

1. The good, honest beings who look out for others, or rather, look out for me, because anything will happen at any time and I will be doomed forever.

2. The people that I should look out for, who will ruin my life because they are so influential with their bad qualities.

শব্দাশ্রু

শব্দগুলো গলার কাছাকাছি
কান্না হয়ে বন্দী হয়ে থাকে,
চারিদিকে নেই কোন পথ, তারা
ঠায় দাঁড়িয়ে নিজের মৃত্যু আঁকে।
চোখে চোখে মৃত্যু আঁকা শেষে,
উঠলো সবাই জীবন সিঁড়ি বেয়ে;
হাতটা চেপে, শক্ত করে চোয়াল,
ধীর পায়ে যায় শব্দ ছেলে মেয়ে।
গলার দেয়াল, নাকের শিরা ফেলে
নিজেকে নেয় শব্দ ঠেলে ঠেলে,
ঘাম জমে যায় কোঁকড়া চুলের ডগায়,
মৃত্যু প্ল্যানে নতুন জীবন জাগায়!
যেই না তারা মানব চোখের কুঠোয়
দাঁড়ালো, স্তব্ধতায়, কঠিন মুঠোয়,
কোন এক শব্দ বন্দীনি বুড়ি
ঢেলে দিলো নিজের জীবন ঝুড়ি।
একে একে শব্দ ছোট বড়
মৃত্যানন্দে উঠলো ভীষন মেতে
সবাই হলো ব্যস্ত বিস্বর্জনে
তোর অশ্রু হবার অদ্ভুত স্বাদ পেতে।

Rainshine

আজ মেঘে মেঘে রঙধনুর আসল মর্ম বুঝতে পেরেছি বিকাল চারটার দিকে। মন খারাপের ঠেলায় যখন ট্রেনের জানালা দিয়ে চোখ বের করে মেঘের ওপর রাখলাম, তখন। গত কয়েকদিনের বৃষ্টির পর সূর্য্য উঠেছিলো, আর স্পষ্ট সাতটা রঙের ছোট্ট এক টুকরো রঙধনু বের হয়েছিলো। আমার দুটো সীট পেছনে একটা বাঙালি মহিলা তার স্বামীকে বেনিআসহকলার ইংরেজী শেখাচ্ছিলো। 'স্কাইব্লু...ইয়েলো..', 'আ-তো স্কাইব্লু-ই হবে, না?'

মেঘগুলোও কেমন যেন কাব্যিক ভাব নিয়ে বসে ছিলো। আর মনে হচ্ছিলো আসলেই আগুন ঝরে ঝরে পড়ছে। মাঝে মাঝে রঙধনুটা মেঘের পেছনে হারিয়ে যাচ্ছিলো আর আমার ঘুম ঘুম চোখ নির্ঘুম হয়ে সেটাকে খুঁজে বেড়াচ্ছিলো। তারপর খুঁজে পাওয়ার একটু পরেই আবার হারিয়ে ফেলছিলো।

আজকে অংক পরীক্ষার আগে মনে হচ্ছিলো আমি খারাপ ছাত্রীদের দলে ঢুকে পড়েছি। পরীক্ষার কয়েক ঘন্টা আগে কনফিউশনে ভুগি, অথচ কনফিউশনটা আমাকে অত চিন্তিত করছিলো না। আরও বিরক্তিকর ব্যাপার হচ্ছে, আমি এবার পড়াশুনা করেছিলাম টেস্টটার জন্য। তার একটাই অর্থ: আমার মগজ দলা পাকানো কাগজে ভর্তি হয়ে ইন্টেলেকচুয়ালিটির চুমুর অভাবে ঘুমুচ্ছে। কিন্তু সেটাকে জাগাবো কিভাবে বুঝতে পারছি না। জাগাতে খুব ইচ্ছে করছে, কিন্তু অলসতার জন্য উপায় খুঁজেও বের করতে পারছি না।

Evilness, (and niceness too)

My train rides are becoming increasingly amusing lately. Certain girls are trying to avoid my eyes, even though I know that they know that I know they are there. They also know, or rather, should know that I know what they are up to. I have dropped several hints here and there which would only be completely missed by either blind or incredibly stupid people. Since all of them are neither, it is naturally quite hard to be convinced that they don't know that I know. Another reason behind the fact that I also know that they know is that they added me on Facebook and I regularly talk to them about Facebook and they should know that they have put up pictures and I have eyes.

Sorry for being foggy and vague, but it goes against my standards to be otherwise.

Oh, the other other girl put me on limited profile, so I can't see her pictures any more. I would think that the girl and the other girl would be smarter, but apparently not!

Its amazing, girls without veils seem to be the ones behind veils.

Then there are the three year seven children, who are still children. No matter how many times I try to make it clear that they are being immature, without stepping out of my vagueness, they just do not get the point. They take one observation and twist it until it becomes another, then, start playing with it. Its annoying.

I saw D after a long time today. She hasn't changed at all, which is also quite annoying, because you expect everyone to change a little every day. It has been forty eight days since I last saw her, so she should have changed in forty eight ways. I understand that they can be very trivial, but if she changed at all, I would have noticed at least one out of forty eight, right?

My sister is leaving me in seven days. I'll miss that girl.

I miss a lot of people.

"Blue-eyed sun shines on me
In the morning
Can't help but feel a little cold
Thinking of you"'

[This song reminds me of dead people. I blame Home and Away's Music Director for it. Why did they have to put this song on when Sally died (supposedly)? ]

Draft #1

My train rides are becoming increasingly amusing lately. Certain girls are trying to avoid my eyes, even though I know that they know that I know they are there. They also know, or rather, should know that I know what they are up to. I have dropped several hints here and there which would only be completely missed by either blind or incredibly stupid people. Since all of them are neither, it is naturally quite hard to be convinced that they don't know that I know. Another reason behind the fact that I also know that they know is that they added me on Facebook and I regularly talk to them about Facebook and they should know that they have put up pictures and I have eyes.

Sorry for being foggy and vague, but it goes against my standards to be otherwise.

Oh, the other other girl put me on limited profile, so I can't see her pictures any more. I would think that the girl and the other girl would be smarter, but apparently not!

Then there are the three year seven children, who are still children. No matter how many times I try to make it clear that they are being immature, without stepping out of my vagueness, they just do not get the point. They take one observation and twist it until it becomes another, then, start playing with it. Its annoying.

I saw D after a long time today. She hasn't changed at all, which is also quite annoying, because you expect everyone to change a little every day. It has been forty eight days since I last saw her, so she should have changed in forty eight ways. I understand that they can be very trivial, but if she changed at all, I would have noticed at least one out of forty eight, right?

My pen pal has not responded since... since (checking)... two days ago. Why does it feel like a whole week?

Day After Today

Do I look seventeen? Do I sound seventeen? Do I behave seventeen? Would I deserve to be seventeen tomorrow?

s-e-v-e-n-t-e-e-n

nah... doesn't seem like lamz at all.

E-i-g-h-t-h Avril Shunno 8

"I've been awake for a while now
You got me feeling like a child now"

Too many things are happening in my life lately and I haven't had the time or the space to sort them out for the past few weeks. My self esteem went up by a mile yesterday, then it decided to plummet down again. I feel like I don't deserve this place, they are much better than I am. The rush of happiness that I felt yesterday is gone somewhere far away. It was an achievement, yes, a little success that I needed for myself, but it wasn't enough to last me through today. I just feel so ashamed, to think that being a maths genius is possible for a normal person, yet I am not even close to alright in physics. I think my brain is proportionally smaller than the rest of humanity.

Aaah.. brains...

"দলা পাকানো কাগজ ও চুমোয় ভরা মগজ নিয়ে ঘুমোও,



I miss Marisa a lot, but I think I'm getting closer to my new friends now. I was feeling so helpless and they made my day a little bit brighter. Risa would still be my best friend, but I think these friends would be good ones too. I felt a little deceived today, though I know I shouldn't have, because it wasn't their fault. But that incident made me feel a bit less helpless about myself. I mean, if they can do things well because they are being spoon-fed, and I can do some of them well even when I'm not being spoon-fed and not trying my best, then maybe, if I try a little, I can do just as well, right?

I realised that fakeness is a common trait in most girls. So, I decided to hide myself under a cover too. Who needs to know how I really feel anyway? (hehe.. I just realised how emo that sounds.. but I'M NOT AN EMO TEEN.. RELAX!!)

I also realised that some people have this really annoying habit of judging people on any trivial issue.

'Cause every time I see your bubbly fa-a-ace
I get the tinglies in a silly place"

How can someone have a bubbly fa-a-ace anyway??

"...The rain is falling on my window pane..."

...And the clouds were way too beautiful again today. My bad mood just vanished somewhere when I saw them. And the weather was going completely crazy. One moment, the rain pattered on the roof, next, sun shone on the grass. Next, both together. It was actually sun showering this morning! The raindrops were so soft, I felt like standing right in the middle of the action, but was embarrassed to do it in a public place, so I just walked, very, very slowly.

"...মেঘের বেগে রেগে গিয়ে অসম্ভবের সম্ভাবনা ড্রিমাও,..."

I know I don't have the words to describe the beauty I laid my eyes upon today, neither for the dismay I felt at 2 pm, and I know I will forget them soon, but they were worth experiencing. They remind me that I'm still a human and I still have lots and lots of room for improvement.

"...তাও না হলে কাওকে বলে বিষন্নতার ছলে বসে ঝিমাও,..."

"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth."

Still looking... still looking... still...


"...বা অন্য কিছু ধন্য করার আশায় মাথায় চিন্তা ঠাসা থামাও।"