I can't handle too much pressure. If I am around ten thousand contradictory ideas, I get confused about which one to believe in. If ten thousand different people come to me with truth in their eyes, I will believe all of them. I can't yet differentiate between what is and what should be. The reality is the reality, but often the reality is not right. My problem is, I often don't know the difference between the wrong reality and the right reality. Maybe its because of my naivity and lack of exposure to both 'right' and 'wrong'. Or maybe its because of too much exposure to the wrong side of reality.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and then attempted to clean up the mess. I fell so many times that by now, picking myself up should've been my special talent. But I still falter and fall further. I get affected by what people say and I just let that get to me. Depending on whether it is a compliment or a criticism, I bask in daydreams or wallow in miseries for the next couple of weeks. I wish I was a bit more 'my own' instead of being so volatile!
I have one and a half days left of the holidays and I have not done what I planned to do. Of course, I did have a few things done here and there, but it wasn't enough. If I don't get stuck right into it the next 12 weeks, there is no way that I will be able to get into medicine anywhere, not even in some hole like Tasmania. I deleted the games from my phone. I just need to get off a few other things and then hopefully I will have no reason not to concentrate. I am trying to get back to Allah the way I did at the end of year 10, but I am faltering there too. But I just have to remember that He loves me like more than anyone loves me.
Here's a hadith to remind me of this later:
A man once came to Prophet Muhammad (s) carrying with him his belongings and a box. He said, "O Prophet! While I was passing through a jungle, I heard the voice of some bird's babies. I took them and put them in this box. The moment I did that, their mother came fluttering round my head."
And the Prophet said, "Put them down". When the man put the box on the ground, the mother of the young birds joined them. Seeing this, the Prophet asked the man who now had a look of surprise on his face, "Are you surprised by the affection of the mother towards her young? I swear by Him (Almighty Allah) who has sent me, surely, God is more loving to his servants than the mother to these young birds. Return these baby birds to the place from where you took them, and let their mother be with them."
And I know that Allah listens to me and He tests the ones He loves. And He tests us by temptations, as well as failure. What happens around us does not matter, what matters is how we respond to it. If we don't respond to temptations, it would only make us stronger.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
Bummer!
I am having such a bad day! Honestly, I feel hurt, annoyed and everything else attached to it. I think he had the best intentions when he said I misinterpreted the questions, but I honestly don't believe that lying in a form will get me anywhere. Change the name? I mean, come on! What difference does that make? So what if none of his Hijabi girls got in? Can't that just mean that they weren't good enough?
Anyway, my med app form sucks. My estimated UAI sucks. I'm not going to give this my 110% because that is not physically possible. So I suck. Right now, I just want to dig a hole and bury myself. Or I can just wallow. Its easier.
Anyway, my med app form sucks. My estimated UAI sucks. I'm not going to give this my 110% because that is not physically possible. So I suck. Right now, I just want to dig a hole and bury myself. Or I can just wallow. Its easier.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Today is the tomorrow I worried about yesterday - II
Its a little after 3 pm on a Friday afternoon and my mood just swung to happiness. According to my calculations, I did about five hours of solid school work. In fact, I've been doing school work the whole day since quarter to eight, with a little bit of breaks here and there. I actually got quite a bit of maths done, read about ten pages of Frankie and understood the beginning of topic three in economics. It doesn't sound much, but I think its better to work at this pace if I am consistent. I have already planned what to do with the rest of the work that I urgently need to get done. I got rid of songs that would make me want to plunge right back into wallowing from my play list and filled it with mostly happy songs. I also made a list of things I need to do to get rid of the last bit of the blues I have in my mind. There is no point in looking back towards what's gone when I have a whole new world filled with possibilities. Even though I got irritated by B's comment about no one being able to help me if I don't help myself, I know its true. And there is no worse way of becoming unhelpful than to keep looking backwards. I enjoy the artistic side of life, the whole emotional side, but I probably have to ignore that side for the next six months, until I secure the place I want for myself in the world. I know that I can improve on my UMAT scores, because I have already seen proofs of that. If I understand everything and do enough past papers, can't I pull my estimated UAI up to 98? Its a long way to go, maybe at least 97? I wouldn't mind getting into any university (except probably somewhere in Tasmania, or NZ, or Western Australia, or...), as long as I get into Medicine. In fact, I'd be over the moon if I get into UWS. My second choice, right now, is University of Queensland, because their course requirement sounds reasonable too. Of course, I'd faint with excitement if I get into Monash or UNSW, but I won't be disappointed if I don't. My dreams are not that wild yet.
OK! Enough rambling about what might not even happen. Let's see what else Mr Keynes came up with. :S
OK! Enough rambling about what might not even happen. Let's see what else Mr Keynes came up with. :S
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Beautiful Mess
I talked to Sarah for the first time since I came back from Bangladesh. She's a girl who expresses a lot through her face, so it was a bit uncomfortable to talk to her over the phone. After a few small talk, I told her 'the news'. She was quite for a moment, most probably shocked, and then asked, 'what? how? when?'. I couldn't answer very clearly. The same thing happened when I talked to Mish about it - I simply couldn't say any thing. During weak moments, it seems like I made the wrong decision at the wrong time. It happened so quickly that I didn't have time to think about it. But then, I don't think I wanted to think about it, because if I did, I would probably not have done it. Do I want to change it now? No. I think if I take a step back, I would continually take more steps backwards and eventually end up where I started. Sarah asked me about my dreams. Did I just scrunch up those huge ideas and chuck them in the bin? I told her I did, because there is no point in dreaming if is never going to happen. But I think I still clutch on to those somewhere and bring them out in those weak moments. Like last night - my legs felt like expired jelly from excruciating stomach ache and walking home after a tiring day, the language of Frankenstein was irritating me and I felt frustrated about life in general. I just curled up with a wheat bag and imagined what life would've been like. I assume a lot of things in my dreams and create perfection. This is not a great thing to do, because it causes disappointment when reality hits. Nonetheless, its like a drug - its fun and makes you forget reality, temporarily. Anyway, the point is, I took a step to clear up the mess I created, no matter how beautiful and enjoyable the mess was, because if I did not clear it now, I would have had to do it when the mess grew a lot more. In fact, I probably could never do it. I don't regret taking the step. I just wish the past would vanish from our memories, or we would change to suit the future that I dream about. Neither is possible.
I was listening to a song from Jason Mraz's album in the plane on our way back to Australia, it was called 'A Beautiful Mess'. The song wasn't very appropriate for the perfectly unmessy view out the window, but the way Mraz sang it kept me listening. I don't think I completely understand the song, but the style seemed so familiar that it felt like it was written by someone I really know. Especially the way he says 'dear', and uses innocent words in an innocent voice. The sad note in his voice also adds to the whole effect.
You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is
And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like we're picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are
Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging
And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes
And through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.
Why do I feel so nostalgic today? The soundtrack of 'Cars' is to blame.
I was listening to a song from Jason Mraz's album in the plane on our way back to Australia, it was called 'A Beautiful Mess'. The song wasn't very appropriate for the perfectly unmessy view out the window, but the way Mraz sang it kept me listening. I don't think I completely understand the song, but the style seemed so familiar that it felt like it was written by someone I really know. Especially the way he says 'dear', and uses innocent words in an innocent voice. The sad note in his voice also adds to the whole effect.
You've got the best of both worlds
You're the kind of girl who can take down a man,
And lift him back up again
You are strong but you're needy,
Humble but you're greedy
And based on your body language,
And shoddy cursive I've been reading
Your style is quite selective,
Though your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests
That this is just what happiness is
And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like we're picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
Kind of turn themselves into knives
And don't mind my nerve you could call it fiction
But I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
'Cause here we are, here we are
Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks they're quick
And probably have to do with your insecurities
There's no shame in being crazy
Depending on how you take these
Words I'm paraphrasing this relationship we're staging
And what a beautiful mess this is
It's like picking up trash in dresses
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And kind and courteous is a life I've heard
But it's nice to say that we played in the dirt oh dear
Cause here we are, Here we are
Here we are
We're still here
What a beautiful mess this is
It's like taking a guess when the only answer is yes
And through timeless words, and priceless pictures
We'll fly like birds not of this earth
And times they turn, and hearts disfigure
But that's no concern when we're wounded together
And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it.
Why do I feel so nostalgic today? The soundtrack of 'Cars' is to blame.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Jumping, running, jogging thoughts
Today was MedEntry workshop day 1. The instructor graduated from Monash in 2001, is young, charismatic, and probably rich. He graduated from high school with a ENTER score of 99.95 (equivalent to 100 uai) and gained a scholarship to study in Monash. He seemed like one of those people who treats everyone equally and serves without judgment. Basically, I added him to my respected people's list, just under Steven. He made me realise that I really need to train and do well in the UMAT because besides increasing my chances of studying Medicine, it will also give me some life skills that I lack and am in dire need of. Section 1 requires critical thinking and the ability to do it quickly.
Section 2 requires an open, honest mind, with no judgmental views. I am supposed to empathise with others and come up with sincere solutions. One of the things he said when talking about this section was: 'Honest people can see honesty in others.' He also told us about Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence is a term that covers gigantic concepts, most of which is summarised in Wiki. To cut a long story short, the next time you try to figure out how 'smart' someone is, check out their EQ, instead of IQ.
Section 3 is just convoluted, but fun, and it gives me a sense of satisfaction when I can correctly answer the questions. The preparation for the interview increases communication skills and again, forces a person to think before they talk. I think this process is excellent, because it separates purest from the rest. I really, really want to be part of the purest, but I am afraid I might not be.
I think the course itself will also grind out any alloys in the pure substance. If I can survive, I think I can become the person I always wanted to become. I think I am way too excited and jittery to write down exactly what I meant to say. This happens when I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel just got a bit brighter. Basically, I feel like there is hope. I know that sounds really corny, but corny thoughts work for me. They pull me out of the depression in my imagination, and plonk me back in reality, where you can't keep wallowing, thinking that life sucks because this this this this happened, but you actually try to fix it so that the reality gets a little bit better.
I read a beautiful verse this morning from Surah Nur. The more I am reading the Surah, the more I am loving it, because it is so full of wisdom. But the best verse so far is verse 35: Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The example of His light is like niche within which is a lamp; the lamp is within glass, the glass as if it were a pearly white star lit from the oil of a blessed olive tree, neither of the east not the west, whose oil would almost glow even if untouched by fire. Light upon light. Allah guides to His light whom He wills. And Allah presents examples for the people, and Allah is Knowing of all things.
The first time I read it, I simply admired the beauty of the words. If the translation is so beautiful, imagine what the real words would be like! But then I realised, I did not understand the meaning at all. And so I realised the importance of reading Tafseers, again. From what I understand of it now, it means something like this: Light is the purest thing humans know, so Allah describes himself as the Light. But since He is unlimited in all of His attributes, He is beyond our understanding. So the way humans see Him is like a seeing a lamp through glass. The idea of olive oil is used here because apparently vegetable oil is the most efficient in providing light, above fossil fuels and others. And the olive tree is neither from the east or the west because Allah is Omnipresent. I want to research this verse more when I have time because I am sure there is more to it than my limited understanding can hold right now. It is so beautiful, I should do it as much justice as I can!
My thoughts are rushing from here to there today, so I just wanted to make someone else's thoughts rush too, in a good way. It is a wonderful feeling when you don't get stuck in the same thought, or explore a thought too deep, especially when that thought is not very pleasant. In any case, I think thinking too deeply about problems is a waste of time. Why not just fix it?
Section 2 requires an open, honest mind, with no judgmental views. I am supposed to empathise with others and come up with sincere solutions. One of the things he said when talking about this section was: 'Honest people can see honesty in others.' He also told us about Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence is a term that covers gigantic concepts, most of which is summarised in Wiki. To cut a long story short, the next time you try to figure out how 'smart' someone is, check out their EQ, instead of IQ.
Section 3 is just convoluted, but fun, and it gives me a sense of satisfaction when I can correctly answer the questions. The preparation for the interview increases communication skills and again, forces a person to think before they talk. I think this process is excellent, because it separates purest from the rest. I really, really want to be part of the purest, but I am afraid I might not be.
I think the course itself will also grind out any alloys in the pure substance. If I can survive, I think I can become the person I always wanted to become. I think I am way too excited and jittery to write down exactly what I meant to say. This happens when I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel just got a bit brighter. Basically, I feel like there is hope. I know that sounds really corny, but corny thoughts work for me. They pull me out of the depression in my imagination, and plonk me back in reality, where you can't keep wallowing, thinking that life sucks because this this this this happened, but you actually try to fix it so that the reality gets a little bit better.
I read a beautiful verse this morning from Surah Nur. The more I am reading the Surah, the more I am loving it, because it is so full of wisdom. But the best verse so far is verse 35: Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The example of His light is like niche within which is a lamp; the lamp is within glass, the glass as if it were a pearly white star lit from the oil of a blessed olive tree, neither of the east not the west, whose oil would almost glow even if untouched by fire. Light upon light. Allah guides to His light whom He wills. And Allah presents examples for the people, and Allah is Knowing of all things.
The first time I read it, I simply admired the beauty of the words. If the translation is so beautiful, imagine what the real words would be like! But then I realised, I did not understand the meaning at all. And so I realised the importance of reading Tafseers, again. From what I understand of it now, it means something like this: Light is the purest thing humans know, so Allah describes himself as the Light. But since He is unlimited in all of His attributes, He is beyond our understanding. So the way humans see Him is like a seeing a lamp through glass. The idea of olive oil is used here because apparently vegetable oil is the most efficient in providing light, above fossil fuels and others. And the olive tree is neither from the east or the west because Allah is Omnipresent. I want to research this verse more when I have time because I am sure there is more to it than my limited understanding can hold right now. It is so beautiful, I should do it as much justice as I can!
My thoughts are rushing from here to there today, so I just wanted to make someone else's thoughts rush too, in a good way. It is a wonderful feeling when you don't get stuck in the same thought, or explore a thought too deep, especially when that thought is not very pleasant. In any case, I think thinking too deeply about problems is a waste of time. Why not just fix it?
Thursday, April 09, 2009
E boyoshe pran tibro ar prokhor!
I have officially stepped into adulthood. I don't exactly feel anything, I certainly don't feel any more mature. My school friends threw me a food party two days ago, in which the five of us ate our grief away. We were all bored and depressed after the economics results came out, so the party was not too much of a success. (But the chocolate mudcake and pods were worth it!) Then an unexpected card from Justine, covered in pictures of chocolates as well! I think up until I came home, that was my best gift, because it came as a surprise. I figured I absolutely love surprises. If you tell me you will buy me a car, I don't think I would be as happy as if you stick an unexpected post-it note on my maths book.
So I came home, depressed, looking forward to my sleep. But my holiday mode kicked in and I decided to sprawl on the sofa and watch TV. I also made lasagna today, dubbed 'kick-ass lasagna' by the person who created the recipe. It really was a kick-ass lasagna, everyone loved it! I love the genuine look of enjoyment in faces. By the end of dinner, only two pieces were left (by force - ma wanted to save them for the next day.) I think I had a stupid smile hovering on my face the whole time.
My next unexpected gift was the gift from my family - a phone. I didn't expect it to be something so huge, so I was over the moon at the idea. Apuni reminded me again how loved and spoilt I am by everyone in my family. I know I am, but I often forget. I feel ashamed to think that I chose to scream at my mother instead of arguing with a stranger. I know I have hurt them, probably more than ever in the last few days. I know I don't have any excuse to do so, because they are the closest people to me.
I don't want to be scared, I don't want to cry and feel sorry for myself. I hope this next year will be as colourful as Shukanto described it to be. I hope I will grow up, shrink at the waistline, fit more beauties in my heart, become organised and responsible, and get closer to Him, a little more. Please pray so that I can live up to my age.
Monday, April 06, 2009
Updates
1. I have 45 minutes to write this, but most probably I'd leave in about 10. The end of daylight savings (or is it the beginning?) just shortened my day to about six pm. But it also gave me an extra hour in the morning, which means, I have less of a chance of being late to my morning classes. But then, this is ME.
2. Our internet and phone line is dead.
3. I lost my mobile, most probably in the train.
4. Since my internet, home phone and mobile are all inactive, my mind is wondering in less space. I actually concentrated in Steven's class and answered questions. I also ticked more than one things off my to-do list, which is a miracle.
5. I have 'miracle' written in henna on my hand, in Chinese. Its beautiful. I had to go to three different people to get this done.
6. I think I have a hidden talent in spraying other people's hair with vibrant colours. Details later.
7. My eighteenth birthday, a night of full moon, and good friday, is coming up in four days.
I figured the best I can do right 'now' now, is just give my best into what I am doing and hope and pray for the best. If I try to get something, and I put my effort in it, and I ask God, why wouldnt I get it? a) It's not good for me. b) I'll get the reward for persevering in Jannah.
So if I get it, or I get a), or I get b), it should be enough. So why worry?
2. Our internet and phone line is dead.
3. I lost my mobile, most probably in the train.
4. Since my internet, home phone and mobile are all inactive, my mind is wondering in less space. I actually concentrated in Steven's class and answered questions. I also ticked more than one things off my to-do list, which is a miracle.
5. I have 'miracle' written in henna on my hand, in Chinese. Its beautiful. I had to go to three different people to get this done.
6. I think I have a hidden talent in spraying other people's hair with vibrant colours. Details later.
7. My eighteenth birthday, a night of full moon, and good friday, is coming up in four days.
I figured the best I can do right 'now' now, is just give my best into what I am doing and hope and pray for the best. If I try to get something, and I put my effort in it, and I ask God, why wouldnt I get it? a) It's not good for me. b) I'll get the reward for persevering in Jannah.
So if I get it, or I get a), or I get b), it should be enough. So why worry?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Today is the Tomorrow I worried about Yesterday - I
I usually forget to treat this life as a journey. A little bit of reinforcement always reminds me and causes me to make radical decisions. Most of the time, I don't regret taking those decisions, I just regret taking them at that certain time and in the certain radical way. And then I spend a good period of time rolling around in my bed, moping, or complaining to everyone about everything. I guess this stems from the I-have-done-a-lot-of-good-to-last-me-a-lifetime-so-give-me-a-break feeling. Then I do something radically bad and start feeling guilty and humble again. There you go, a simple explanation for having a sine curvaceous mind.
Right now, I am sitting in the library and trying to remember what I wanted to write last night. I think it was something along the lines of why I feel lethargic most of the times. I have a tendancy to justify every thing I do, even if it is not justifiable. For example, I missed school yesterday, thinking that it was the walkathon. The walkathon is actually on Friday; I can't believe I made a mistake like this. But the point is, I wanted another day off even though I had a four-day weekend. I spent most of the day sleeping and watching 'Little Mosque on the Prairie' to force myself out of my misery. I am what my sis calls 'dukkhobilashi'. I really don't have anything to worry about in my life - I have food (more than enough!) on the table, a good educations, clothes (more than enough too, just... not the right kind.) on my back, a roof over my head and loving family and friends. Yet, I spend more time moping, sleeping and eating than actually doing anything.
I got a few of my results back for the tests that I have done. I don't have the rankings yet, so I don't know where I stand, but mark wise, I did far worse than I expected. I keep telling myself that I still have half the year and more than half the marks to go, but my conscience (also, Ms Horley) keeps telling me to straighten up. I make plans after plans and I never carry them out. I wish there was a place in society for dreamers, but unfortunately, we are a dying breed. If I don't become realistic pretty soon, I shall die too. To top it all off, I can see a book called 'People who have changed the Modern World'. Is the whole universe trying to rub my lack of usefulness right on my face?
Anyway, my faith keeps bouncing with my state of mind, kind of like the sine curve too. Yesterday, it was at three pie on two. This morning, it got up to two pies. InshaAllah I will go home and fuel it up and try to keep it constant for a few days. Listening to speeches really help. I was listening to a speech about making Dua by a speaker I forgot the name of in the car on Saturday. I could feel my soul soaking in all the goodness and craving for more. I should really finish listening to that some time.
I have seven minutes and fifty six seconds left. I am really sleepy. I think I'll go now.
Right now, I am sitting in the library and trying to remember what I wanted to write last night. I think it was something along the lines of why I feel lethargic most of the times. I have a tendancy to justify every thing I do, even if it is not justifiable. For example, I missed school yesterday, thinking that it was the walkathon. The walkathon is actually on Friday; I can't believe I made a mistake like this. But the point is, I wanted another day off even though I had a four-day weekend. I spent most of the day sleeping and watching 'Little Mosque on the Prairie' to force myself out of my misery. I am what my sis calls 'dukkhobilashi'. I really don't have anything to worry about in my life - I have food (more than enough!) on the table, a good educations, clothes (more than enough too, just... not the right kind.) on my back, a roof over my head and loving family and friends. Yet, I spend more time moping, sleeping and eating than actually doing anything.
I got a few of my results back for the tests that I have done. I don't have the rankings yet, so I don't know where I stand, but mark wise, I did far worse than I expected. I keep telling myself that I still have half the year and more than half the marks to go, but my conscience (also, Ms Horley) keeps telling me to straighten up. I make plans after plans and I never carry them out. I wish there was a place in society for dreamers, but unfortunately, we are a dying breed. If I don't become realistic pretty soon, I shall die too. To top it all off, I can see a book called 'People who have changed the Modern World'. Is the whole universe trying to rub my lack of usefulness right on my face?
Anyway, my faith keeps bouncing with my state of mind, kind of like the sine curve too. Yesterday, it was at three pie on two. This morning, it got up to two pies. InshaAllah I will go home and fuel it up and try to keep it constant for a few days. Listening to speeches really help. I was listening to a speech about making Dua by a speaker I forgot the name of in the car on Saturday. I could feel my soul soaking in all the goodness and craving for more. I should really finish listening to that some time.
I have seven minutes and fifty six seconds left. I am really sleepy. I think I'll go now.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Happenstance and Everything Else
I am stumbling upon 'happenstance' everywhere. The first time I came across this word was in Kimya Dawson's 'Chemistry' - My heart is on my sleeve and my head is in the sand, I said how did we end up here, you said happenstance. Then, it was the French movie - wait for it - 'Happenstance'! I have not watched it yet, but I did borrow it from the library with the intention of watching it. I didn't realise it was French until I was in the train, already half way home. I knew I should've borrowed that Hugh Grant movie instead of this!
I also borrowed 'Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants' because I've never watched it. I really liked the song they played when Lena was kissing whats-his-name. Partly because I was only listening to that part, and partly because the words were interesting. To say it in the best possible way: its sung in 'my way'. I have a crazy habit of singing made up songs in the shower, or when I'm hanging the washing, or when I want to annoy my siblings, and I usually repeat words and have tunes similar to this song. Its something like this, 'everybody's talkin' how I can't can't be your love, but I want want wanna be your love, be your love, for real'. I loved it so much that I downloaded the song and looked up the lyrics - 'Be be your love' by Rachel Yamagata. It happened to be from an album called 'Happenstance'!
I am exactly half way through my HSC year and mid-HSC-crisis is starting to strike. I really felt like I studied for my half yearlies until I finished them. I also felt quite organised and motivated most of the times, with posted notes of 'top 30' and 'miracles happen!' hung up in front of my eyes 24/7. Now I feel like I haven't done enough and my exams were not as good as I wanted them to be. I also feel like I was not organised enough. I dug up Steven's email about studying medicine and realised I haven't been doing any of the things he suggested I do if I really want to get into medicine. The last time I touched the UMAT prep booklets was three and a half months ago when I pretended to study in Sarah's desk in Rampura. I am not involved with any volunteer work or extra curricular activities this year, apart from YMSA. There is no way I am getting an UAI estimate of 99 or above, considering most of my rankings are around or under average. I was actually ranked last in Chemistry after badly screwing the prac. There is no way I am getting an UAI of 99 or above if I continue to be like this. I have not looked at a med application form before today. Yet, I cannot think about studying anything other than medicine. I know. Pathetic.
I am also exactly fifteen days away from becoming an adult. There is a tradition in our house - the birthday girl or boy cooks a special meal for the rest of the family on her or his birthday. I made paratha once; then cooked a three-course dinner on my sixteenth. Can't remember what I did last year, but I'm sure it was something good! I am planning to bake a lasagna for lunch on the Friday, because we are busy that night. I have tutoring with Steven and Apuni has a wedding to attend. Except, I don't know how to make lasagne, but that's beside the point. The point is, I will be stepping on the eighteenth year of my life in a few days and I am still the irresponsible, lost piece of shiitake I was when I was eight. In some ways, I have become more irresponsible and more lost. I can't imagine a girl like me studying medicine in nine months, but I can't not imagine myself studying medicine either.
Life is actually not as complicated as we make it out to be. There is a perfect guideline from God, in which it is clearly stated that the purpose of our existance is to worship Him. He created us and sent us to the world to test us if we really keep the promise we made when we said He is our Lord. He sets you little tests on your way, like, failing an exam, or passing the hot, smart guy you had a crush on since like forever, to see how you handle these situations. Or showing you the sunrise and letting you hear the birds chirp, to see if you are really thankful for these. Or letting you hear a thousand degrading words from a person you loved a lot once, to see exactly how it affects you. He places us in deep shit that covers our heads and chokes us, or in a imitation heaven, to see what choices we make - what we choose to say and do, and whether or not we remember Him. He also gave everyone different abilities to not kill us with boredom and to test whether we actually use our special abilities to fulfil the purpose of our life. If it is fixing toilets, so be it. If it is selling water, curing people, sharing your thoughts or employing people, let it be. But the catch is, whatever it is, we must use it to fullfil the purpose of our life. If our footsteps are only tiny, it does not matter, as long as that footstep is a good one. How is 'good' defined? Look it up the guideline!
Another catch - doing what you say, saying what you do, thinking what you say and do, and doing what you think and say. If you merely believe without action, you are a loser, both in this world and in the next. If you don't believe what you do, you're a hypocrete. Safe side - do both!
So that's all easy to say and very hard to do. But millions, maybe trillions, have done it before. Probably thousands are doing it right here in this world, right now. They are all different kinds of people with different abilities. So, why can't I be one of them?
I think I can, sometimes. But other times, when I forget that Allah actually lets us pray to Him whenever and ask Him for whatever we want, I can't. I feel despair when I turn away from Him for a long time, forgetting that He listens even if we don't. Allah loves all His creations and I read somewhere that he gave only 1% of His love to the world and shared it amongst every single created being - every mother, every child, every sister, every best friend, every lover - humans and animals. I find that really amazing. I went to an Al-Kauthar Course last year, 'To Him belongs the most beautiful names', which listed the 99 names of Allah and went through about 50. The names that struck me most was:
Al Wadud - The Loving
Al Mujeeb - The Answerer of Prayers
Al Rahman - Merciful
Al Afu - Effacer of Sin (This attribute is actually more powerful than The Forgiving, because, it means completely erasing the sin as if it never happened.)
Al Muhyi - Life Giver
Al Haqq - The Truth
These give me hope. I believe that Allah's words are completely true. The Qur'an is the Absolute Truth, as absolute as 'absolute' can get. It is not just another happenstance that an illiterate guy called Muhammad happened to be one of the 100 most influencial people in the world, it is because he was guided by The Truth with the absolute truth to spend his life in the truest way possible.
I am the type of person who likes to be completely sure. I mean, I love risks, otherwise, I would not dare to apply for medicine and dream about bungee jumping. But when it comes to deciding which way my life will unfold, I love to be sure. I completely believe in every word of The Book and I wonder why people wouldn't. I just found a hadith that I fell in love with instantly: It is related that Ibn 'Umar said that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "The keys to the Unseen are five things which only Allah knows. No one knows what will happen tomorrow, no one knows what is inside the wombs, no self knows what it will gain tomorrow, no self knows what land it will die in and no one knows when the rain will come."I wonder why Ms Voss believes there's nothing called absolute truth. I wonder why people are baffled about what to do with their talent. I wonder why Muslims are the most hated, yet Islam is the fasted growing religion in the world. I wonder with frustration why I don't rely on God 24/7 when I know there is no other way.
I also borrowed 'Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants' because I've never watched it. I really liked the song they played when Lena was kissing whats-his-name. Partly because I was only listening to that part, and partly because the words were interesting. To say it in the best possible way: its sung in 'my way'. I have a crazy habit of singing made up songs in the shower, or when I'm hanging the washing, or when I want to annoy my siblings, and I usually repeat words and have tunes similar to this song. Its something like this, 'everybody's talkin' how I can't can't be your love, but I want want wanna be your love, be your love, for real'. I loved it so much that I downloaded the song and looked up the lyrics - 'Be be your love' by Rachel Yamagata. It happened to be from an album called 'Happenstance'!
I am exactly half way through my HSC year and mid-HSC-crisis is starting to strike. I really felt like I studied for my half yearlies until I finished them. I also felt quite organised and motivated most of the times, with posted notes of 'top 30' and 'miracles happen!' hung up in front of my eyes 24/7. Now I feel like I haven't done enough and my exams were not as good as I wanted them to be. I also feel like I was not organised enough. I dug up Steven's email about studying medicine and realised I haven't been doing any of the things he suggested I do if I really want to get into medicine. The last time I touched the UMAT prep booklets was three and a half months ago when I pretended to study in Sarah's desk in Rampura. I am not involved with any volunteer work or extra curricular activities this year, apart from YMSA. There is no way I am getting an UAI estimate of 99 or above, considering most of my rankings are around or under average. I was actually ranked last in Chemistry after badly screwing the prac. There is no way I am getting an UAI of 99 or above if I continue to be like this. I have not looked at a med application form before today. Yet, I cannot think about studying anything other than medicine. I know. Pathetic.
I am also exactly fifteen days away from becoming an adult. There is a tradition in our house - the birthday girl or boy cooks a special meal for the rest of the family on her or his birthday. I made paratha once; then cooked a three-course dinner on my sixteenth. Can't remember what I did last year, but I'm sure it was something good! I am planning to bake a lasagna for lunch on the Friday, because we are busy that night. I have tutoring with Steven and Apuni has a wedding to attend. Except, I don't know how to make lasagne, but that's beside the point. The point is, I will be stepping on the eighteenth year of my life in a few days and I am still the irresponsible, lost piece of shiitake I was when I was eight. In some ways, I have become more irresponsible and more lost. I can't imagine a girl like me studying medicine in nine months, but I can't not imagine myself studying medicine either.
Life is actually not as complicated as we make it out to be. There is a perfect guideline from God, in which it is clearly stated that the purpose of our existance is to worship Him. He created us and sent us to the world to test us if we really keep the promise we made when we said He is our Lord. He sets you little tests on your way, like, failing an exam, or passing the hot, smart guy you had a crush on since like forever, to see how you handle these situations. Or showing you the sunrise and letting you hear the birds chirp, to see if you are really thankful for these. Or letting you hear a thousand degrading words from a person you loved a lot once, to see exactly how it affects you. He places us in deep shit that covers our heads and chokes us, or in a imitation heaven, to see what choices we make - what we choose to say and do, and whether or not we remember Him. He also gave everyone different abilities to not kill us with boredom and to test whether we actually use our special abilities to fulfil the purpose of our life. If it is fixing toilets, so be it. If it is selling water, curing people, sharing your thoughts or employing people, let it be. But the catch is, whatever it is, we must use it to fullfil the purpose of our life. If our footsteps are only tiny, it does not matter, as long as that footstep is a good one. How is 'good' defined? Look it up the guideline!
Another catch - doing what you say, saying what you do, thinking what you say and do, and doing what you think and say. If you merely believe without action, you are a loser, both in this world and in the next. If you don't believe what you do, you're a hypocrete. Safe side - do both!
So that's all easy to say and very hard to do. But millions, maybe trillions, have done it before. Probably thousands are doing it right here in this world, right now. They are all different kinds of people with different abilities. So, why can't I be one of them?
I think I can, sometimes. But other times, when I forget that Allah actually lets us pray to Him whenever and ask Him for whatever we want, I can't. I feel despair when I turn away from Him for a long time, forgetting that He listens even if we don't. Allah loves all His creations and I read somewhere that he gave only 1% of His love to the world and shared it amongst every single created being - every mother, every child, every sister, every best friend, every lover - humans and animals. I find that really amazing. I went to an Al-Kauthar Course last year, 'To Him belongs the most beautiful names', which listed the 99 names of Allah and went through about 50. The names that struck me most was:
Al Wadud - The Loving
Al Mujeeb - The Answerer of Prayers
Al Rahman - Merciful
Al Afu - Effacer of Sin (This attribute is actually more powerful than The Forgiving, because, it means completely erasing the sin as if it never happened.)
Al Muhyi - Life Giver
Al Haqq - The Truth
These give me hope. I believe that Allah's words are completely true. The Qur'an is the Absolute Truth, as absolute as 'absolute' can get. It is not just another happenstance that an illiterate guy called Muhammad happened to be one of the 100 most influencial people in the world, it is because he was guided by The Truth with the absolute truth to spend his life in the truest way possible.
I am the type of person who likes to be completely sure. I mean, I love risks, otherwise, I would not dare to apply for medicine and dream about bungee jumping. But when it comes to deciding which way my life will unfold, I love to be sure. I completely believe in every word of The Book and I wonder why people wouldn't. I just found a hadith that I fell in love with instantly: It is related that Ibn 'Umar said that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, "The keys to the Unseen are five things which only Allah knows. No one knows what will happen tomorrow, no one knows what is inside the wombs, no self knows what it will gain tomorrow, no self knows what land it will die in and no one knows when the rain will come."I wonder why Ms Voss believes there's nothing called absolute truth. I wonder why people are baffled about what to do with their talent. I wonder why Muslims are the most hated, yet Islam is the fasted growing religion in the world. I wonder with frustration why I don't rely on God 24/7 when I know there is no other way.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Venting
I feel angry when I feel like I don't have control over something. I feel angry before english tests because I don't have a good vocabulary to explain what I really want to say. Before maths tests, I feel angry when I can't solve a problem. I feel angry when everyone around me guiltlessly basks in love. I feel angry when everyone around me is taller than me. I feel angry when I don't get access to the internet when I want to. I feel angry when I see another 'tuna in oil' can and cold bread. I feel angry when I gain two kilos after loosing one. I feel angry when I don't get replies as soon as I send something. I feel angry when letters disappear in the post. I feel angry when I get a headache after being in the rain. Then I feel angry when I realise how immature I am, with only twenty three days to go until I officially become an adult.
In general, everything makes me angry. Before exams. :x
In general, everything makes me angry. Before exams. :x
Sunday, March 08, 2009
Rant #1
Every time I listen to Beatles’ ‘Across the Universe’, my brain changes the words. Instead of ‘words are flying out like endless rain into a paper cup’, I hear, ‘words are flowing out like rain into the paper cups of pain.’ Mine sounds quite good, so I haven’t tried to change it in my brain.
Right now, I feel an excruciating wave of anger shooting up my body. The reason is quite simple – I feel like I am not given the freedom I deserve. This anger is annoying, because it won’t go away and it can’t be helped either. How many times have I tried to argue my way out of restrictions? It never works. Instead, more restrictions are put on me! I don’t understand why something Halaal should be made Haraam. Isn’t that a sin? Why should culture hinder us from practising Islam? Islam is above all and nothing comes before it. I thought they understood it, but why are they holding back because of the culture?
I love both of them. I don’t see why there should be a difference between them. I don’t see why one should be looked down upon, not approved, and the other idealised. They can’t even explain the reason to me properly, which means they don’t have a proper reason. Its unfair! And ok. Fine. Don’t let me hang around that person. Why can’t the other fill up the space? Both of them together make an amazing pair. If both of them were one person, I think I’d love and respect that person so much more. But since that person is unable to fill up the place of the other, I think I have a right to spend time with both of them.
I wish they would all stop being confused. I wish I would stop being confused. I wish we could all be completely truthful, with ourselves, Allah, and with everyone around us.
I love all four of them. But each of them have their deficiencies and sometimes its hard to put up with it. I think the most important quality in a person is honesty and openness. I don’t have any of them. But I think a person with those qualities can change that in me. I’m trying to be more honest with myself. I still have to work on it. I still try to convince myself of something, even if I know its not right. I should not be ashamed to ask people who know more than me. I know I can’t judge everything myself. I don’t have the maturity or the knowledge to do so.
Nowadays, I just feel like saying whatever and waving everything away.
Loose lips might sink ships but loose kisses take trips. So if I wanna kill myself, should I remember that you love me? If I call you up, can we make some plans instead? I will ask you what you think because your thoughts and words are powerful.
But I still love hugging, singing, screaming, kissing, tugging on the sleeve of how it used to be!
We went to see Tania apu when we went to
Faria apu started wearing a hijab. Sarah stopped wearing it. The one I remember as a seven year old pouting girl, gets calls from ten different guys in one day. Shifa is transforming from being a child to a girl. She’s naturally talented in dancing and singing and her olive skin seems to look more beautiful each day. Mami is very, very worried about that girl!
Tahmid is going to be an understanding, responsible and overall, an amazing man. Eshon’s existence was negligible in my world before, but he became part of the group. Nusaiba seems like she’d grow up to be me – confused. Since the last time I saw choto mami, which was the first time I remember talking to her, Shahrin came into existence and is already three. Two new bhabis entered the family. Shahana apu’s oldest son, who I’d always remember as a three year old skinny little boy, is now busy with many jobs around the village and spends the whole day on his bike, in a lungi. Sajid bhayia seemed bigger and scarier. You can tell Sabit will have girls running after him in a few years, even though he’s only six. Rafif is turning out to be as talented and gorgeous as his parents. Zarin is getting shyer every day. Dadu passed away, nanu got older. My sister is no longer an unmarried girl who I can giggle with about silly dreams. I will be doing my HSC in seven months and deciding writing my own life story, in a separate book, really soon.
No matter how much I scream, nothing’s gonna change my world, everything is changing. This is what I felt about a year ago, when my life seemed to be at the corner of a turning road. A confused girl like me gets even more confused when she faces crossroads and turns.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Kolkata
Kolkata was amazing. We left Dhaka at around 11 AM on a delayed flight and reached Kolkata at around 11 AM. :) We got on a round yellow taxi that ricketted all the way to a cluster of hotels, none of which took us in. But I was thrilled just to think that I was in the city I read about all this time! To cut a long story short - It took us about 3 hours to find a hotel and move in. A tiny room in Gulshan Cottage was our home for the next two days. Ma Baba and I shared the double bed. I felt like a baby again!
After lunch, we went shopping in the huge New Market. A disgusting smell entered our nose when we entered the market. We figured the mysterious smell came from the freely roaming cattle and goats. For the next few hours, Ma shopped, Baba and I tagged along. The interesting thing was the way they talked. Yes, they really say 'dada' and can't pronounce chh and sh. They also exaggerate everything they say. Literally every shop had lemon and chilli hanging infront of it for good luck. At around 7, in desperation to put something in our stomach, we went to a street restaurant and spent about 30 rupees for dinner for 3. The yellow walls were black with grease. On one side, a little boy was making something like noodles. All the strands dwandled on the floor. After we ordered and sat down, I realised every pair of eyes were on us! The food was not too bad - well, my food wasn't too bad. Baba took meat and rice, which was provided on greasy plates. Our hungry mouths gobbled down whatever we got.
On our way back to our hotel, we baught peyara, biscuits and 'kurkure'. We also passed a piggery.
Next day was our sightseeing day. Breakfast - toast biscuit, a banana. After about half an hour of bargaining, we got on a taxi that patiently stayed with us the whole day. We passed a huge house, which was once Rani Rasmoni's palace. It extended for a whole street, in fact, the name of the street became Rani Rasmoni Rd! Her ancestors occupy the place now. We also saw trams. The tram lines run along Kolkata streets and cars and taxis run on top of them. They move if a tram is coming.
He took us to College Street!!! Presidency! Coffee House! OH EM GEE. Anjan Datta's Coffee House is off College Street, on the second floor of an old building. The alleyway is filled with bookstores. Most of the buildings in Kolkata are very old, with olden wooden windows and fading walls. We climbed up a few dark steps and reached Coffee House. We took a sit next to the window. Sunlight streamed through the window and onto our table, and I felt, yet again, THIS IS THE COFFEE HOUSE! The ceiling was really high, with ceiling fans hanging off. Everything was as dirty as the rest of Kolkata, but that prompted my spirit to increase further. Young couples and groups of friends sat here and there. We ordered shingara and coffee. I took a cold coffee with cream. It was all very nice food. :)
We walked through Presidency for a few minutes, bought some more peyara and got on our taxi again, off College St. Then we went to Rabindro Sharani and Nakhoda Mosque.
We saw Hoogly Bridge - new and the old one, walked by Ganga. Ganga is as dirty as they describe it. I had bharer cha there. We walked for a while and then had jhalmuri for lunch. We saw a puja happening. We also saw premium dating spots by Ganga, with a few couples occupying them. A guy was shaving his head by the river. We also saw boats but the price was too high and time was too limited for us to go on. Then we crossed railtracks and got back on our taxi.
Then we went to Victoria Memorial. The taxi driver dropped us off because there was no parking space infront of the park. We got off and then realised the price was 15 times high for us because we don't hold Indian Passport. Oh well. It wasn't worth going in anyway. But we went on Horse carriage from outside the gate and had fuchka. Dhaka's fuchkas are so much better! We also saw banorer nach. The monkey took a coin off my hand!!
Then we went to Science City, which did not really represent the real Kolkata.
The best thing about Kolkata are the streets, people and the entertainment. They are so vibrant and dirty at the same time that it really felt like I was dreaming. I had so much more to write, but my hands are tired. Kolkata is really an amazing city for a two day holiday.
After lunch, we went shopping in the huge New Market. A disgusting smell entered our nose when we entered the market. We figured the mysterious smell came from the freely roaming cattle and goats. For the next few hours, Ma shopped, Baba and I tagged along. The interesting thing was the way they talked. Yes, they really say 'dada' and can't pronounce chh and sh. They also exaggerate everything they say. Literally every shop had lemon and chilli hanging infront of it for good luck. At around 7, in desperation to put something in our stomach, we went to a street restaurant and spent about 30 rupees for dinner for 3. The yellow walls were black with grease. On one side, a little boy was making something like noodles. All the strands dwandled on the floor. After we ordered and sat down, I realised every pair of eyes were on us! The food was not too bad - well, my food wasn't too bad. Baba took meat and rice, which was provided on greasy plates. Our hungry mouths gobbled down whatever we got.
On our way back to our hotel, we baught peyara, biscuits and 'kurkure'. We also passed a piggery.
Next day was our sightseeing day. Breakfast - toast biscuit, a banana. After about half an hour of bargaining, we got on a taxi that patiently stayed with us the whole day. We passed a huge house, which was once Rani Rasmoni's palace. It extended for a whole street, in fact, the name of the street became Rani Rasmoni Rd! Her ancestors occupy the place now. We also saw trams. The tram lines run along Kolkata streets and cars and taxis run on top of them. They move if a tram is coming.
He took us to College Street!!! Presidency! Coffee House! OH EM GEE. Anjan Datta's Coffee House is off College Street, on the second floor of an old building. The alleyway is filled with bookstores. Most of the buildings in Kolkata are very old, with olden wooden windows and fading walls. We climbed up a few dark steps and reached Coffee House. We took a sit next to the window. Sunlight streamed through the window and onto our table, and I felt, yet again, THIS IS THE COFFEE HOUSE! The ceiling was really high, with ceiling fans hanging off. Everything was as dirty as the rest of Kolkata, but that prompted my spirit to increase further. Young couples and groups of friends sat here and there. We ordered shingara and coffee. I took a cold coffee with cream. It was all very nice food. :)
We walked through Presidency for a few minutes, bought some more peyara and got on our taxi again, off College St. Then we went to Rabindro Sharani and Nakhoda Mosque.
We saw Hoogly Bridge - new and the old one, walked by Ganga. Ganga is as dirty as they describe it. I had bharer cha there. We walked for a while and then had jhalmuri for lunch. We saw a puja happening. We also saw premium dating spots by Ganga, with a few couples occupying them. A guy was shaving his head by the river. We also saw boats but the price was too high and time was too limited for us to go on. Then we crossed railtracks and got back on our taxi.
Then we went to Victoria Memorial. The taxi driver dropped us off because there was no parking space infront of the park. We got off and then realised the price was 15 times high for us because we don't hold Indian Passport. Oh well. It wasn't worth going in anyway. But we went on Horse carriage from outside the gate and had fuchka. Dhaka's fuchkas are so much better! We also saw banorer nach. The monkey took a coin off my hand!!
Then we went to Science City, which did not really represent the real Kolkata.
The best thing about Kolkata are the streets, people and the entertainment. They are so vibrant and dirty at the same time that it really felt like I was dreaming. I had so much more to write, but my hands are tired. Kolkata is really an amazing city for a two day holiday.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Idiots Guide to My Life (source: Wiki)
Procrastination is a type of behavior which is characterized by deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite procrastination as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision. [1] Psychology researchers also have three criteria they use to categorize procrastination. They believe that procrastination must be counterproductive, needless, and delaying.[2]
For an individual, procrastination may result in stress, a sense of guilt, the loss of personal productivity, the creation of crisis and the disapproval of others for not fulfilling one's responsibilities or commitments. These combined feelings can promote further procrastination. While it is normal for people to procrastinate to some degree, it becomes a problem when it impedes normal functioning. Chronic procrastination may be a sign of an underlying psychological or physiological disorder.
The word itself comes from the Latin word procrastinatus: pro- (forward) and crastinus (of tomorrow). The term's first known appearance was in Edward Hall's The Union of the Noble and Illustre Famelies of Lancastre and York, first published sometime before 1548.[3] The sermon reflected procrastination's connection at the time to task avoidance or delay, volition or will, and sin.
Academic procrastination
While academic procrastination is not a special type of procrastination, procrastination is thought to be particularly prevalent in the academic setting, where students are required to meet deadlines for assignments and tests in an environment full of events and activities which compete for the students' time and attention. More specifically, a 1992 study showed that "52% of surveyed students indicated having a moderate to high need for help concerning procrastination"[7].
Some students struggle with procrastination due to a lack of time management or study skills, stress, or feeling overwhelmed with their work
The term originated in Eliyahu M. Goldratt's novel-style book Critical Chain. The principle is also addressed in Agile Software Development.
For example, if a group of students goes to a professor and asks for an extension to a deadline, they will usually defend their request by noting how much better their project will be if they are given more time to work on it; they request this with the intent to distribute their work time across the remainder of the time until the deadline. In reality, however, most students will have other tasks or events that place demands on their time. They will often end up close to the same situation they started with, wishing they had more time as the new delayed deadline approaches.
This same behaviour is seen in businesses; in project and task estimating, a time- or resource-buffer is applied to the task to allow for overrun or other scheduling problems. However, with student syndrome the latest possible start of tasks causes the buffer for any given task to be wasted beforehand, rather than kept in reserve. Like students, many workers do not complete assignments early, but wait until the last minute before starting, often having to rush to submit their assignment minutes before the deadline. A similar phenomenon is seen every year in the United States and Mexico when personal tax returns are due, as large numbers of people queue until their post office closes, in order to get their tax return postmarked.
Types of procrastinators
The relaxed type
The relaxed type of procrastinators view their responsibilities negatively and avoid them by directing energy into other tasks. It is common, for example, for relaxed type procrastinating children to abandon schoolwork but not their social lives. Students often see projects as a whole rather than breaking them into smaller parts. This type of procrastination is a form of denial or cover-up; therefore, typically no help is being sought. Furthermore, they are also unable to defer gratification. The procrastinator avoids situations that would cause displeasure, indulging instead in more enjoyable activities. In Freudian terms, such procrastinators refuse to renounce the pleasure principle, instead sacrificing the reality principle. They may not appear to be worried about work and deadlines, but this is simply an evasion.[8]
The tense-afraid type
The tense-afraid type of procrastinator usually feels overwhelmed with pressure, unrealistic about time, uncertain about goals and many other negative feelings. Feeling that they lack the ability or focus to successfully complete their work, they tell themselves that they need to unwind and relax, that it's better to take it easy for the afternoon, for example, and start afresh in the morning. They usually have grandiose plans that aren't realistic. Their 'relaxing' is often temporary and ineffective, and leads to even more stress as time runs out, deadlines approach and the person feels increasingly guilty and apprehensive. This behavior becomes a cycle of failure and delay, as plans and goals are put off, penciled into the following day or week in the diary again and again. It can also have a debilitating effect on their personal lives and relationships. Since they are uncertain about their goals, they often feel awkward with people who appear confident and goal-oriented, which can lead to depression. Tense-afraid procrastinators often withdraw from social life, avoiding contact even with close friends.[8]
Stigma and misunderstanding
Procrastinators often have great difficulty in seeking help, or finding an understanding source of support, due to the stigma and profound misunderstanding surrounding extreme forms of procrastination. The problem is often mischaracterised simply as laziness, a lack of willpower, or lack of ambition.[citation needed]
Monday, November 24, 2008
22.11.08
I’m supposed to be writing my essay for the upcoming English exam which contributes to 30% of the school mark going towards the final HSC mark. If I don’t attempt this test, my mark is capped to 85%. Considering my English skills, my mark is capped to about 60%. In plain English (note the pun! hehe), If I don’t put some effort in this essay, I’m screwed.
But the words are not flowing out of my fingers. All I see is facebook photos of year 12 formals and forwards from people I never talk to. By the way, some of the formal photos left me gaping for a while. The tall and nerdy Alex and annoying Danijela actually look like, um, ‘grow-ups’. I can imagine Alex studying literature in Sydney Uni, passionately talking about some old book he dug up two days ago; or strumming a guitar, wearing those daggy clothes that all musicians seem to wear. I can also totally imagine the skinny, annoying Danijela in a dinner table, looking like someone from TV. I can’t believe these people are only a year above me!
And I can’t believe I’d see two new countries in two weeks time!
A lot of things are happening in (or around) my life right now.
1. Our house is getting painted by the men in our family. They want to paint the bathroom the same colour as the kitchen.
2. My first exams for the final year of my schooling life start in seven days.
3. I helped a friend with a huge decision. This makes me feel like I have a say in someone’s life. It feels great. :D
4. We’re packing many suitcases for our journey to three, possibly four, countries. (The rest of the family is; I’m usually just sitting with a book in front of me. No, I don’t study 24/7. But I’m getting quite good at pretending to study 24/7!)
5. Life is wonderful when God makes you feel like you’re in control of parts of it.
p.s: I'm really looking forward to 11th December 08.
p.p.s: Our bathroom isn't the same colour as the kitchen. Now its pink. Its better than olive, because that colour reminds me of olives, and then food. I'd rather not, not in the bathroom!
p.p.p.s: I've finished a third of my essay!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Shine.
You can give your life, you can lose your soul
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
shine
You say that you never had a moment and nobody needs you
So cry, so cry
You believe that life rolls by just to deceive you
By your time, by your time
You’re getting old
And the longer you take, the slower your pain will grow
It will grow, it will grow
You can close you eyes
And hope that when you open them you’ve got a brand new life
You can give your life, you can lose your soul
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you…
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine
(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)
(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)
Shine
(You can try)
Grow up and make the best of what you’ve got
Of what you’ve got
The days are going by and you’re sittin’ on your arse
And you’re wondering why, why, why, yeah
You can give your life or you can lose your soul
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you…
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine
You say that you’ve never had a moment and nobody needs you
So cry, so cry
You believe that life rolls by just to deceive you
By your time, by your time
You’re getting old
And the longer you take the slower your pain will grow
It’ll grow, it’ll grow
You can close you eyes
And hope that when you open them you’ve got a brand new life
You can give your life or you can lose your soul
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you…
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine
(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)
(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
shine
You say that you never had a moment and nobody needs you
So cry, so cry
You believe that life rolls by just to deceive you
By your time, by your time
You’re getting old
And the longer you take, the slower your pain will grow
It will grow, it will grow
You can close you eyes
And hope that when you open them you’ve got a brand new life
You can give your life, you can lose your soul
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you…
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine
(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)
(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)
Shine
(You can try)
Grow up and make the best of what you’ve got
Of what you’ve got
The days are going by and you’re sittin’ on your arse
And you’re wondering why, why, why, yeah
You can give your life or you can lose your soul
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you…
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine
You say that you’ve never had a moment and nobody needs you
So cry, so cry
You believe that life rolls by just to deceive you
By your time, by your time
You’re getting old
And the longer you take the slower your pain will grow
It’ll grow, it’ll grow
You can close you eyes
And hope that when you open them you’ve got a brand new life
You can give your life or you can lose your soul
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you…
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine
(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)
(Don't, don't, don't, don't you do it)
You can bang your head or you can drown in a hole
Nothing lasts forever, but you can try
Look around you
Everyone you see, everyone you know is gonna
Shine
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Live, please?
I know you'll be here. And yes, I was there, even though you thought no one could find you there. Don't hide from life, don't run away, and it will give something to you. You worry about your age, but it is nothing compared to the world. Billions and billions of years old - but it is still getting damaged by people. Who cares if others want to damage you? Please don't damage yourself!
I also know you would rather listen to famous, reliable people, rather than my advice. I picked out some for you, hope you like it.
Hope you would give your life another chance.
“Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.”
Unknown
“Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once.”
Lillian Dickson
“Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars.”
Henry Van Dyke
“We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It's a messy business, life. It's hard to figure - full of surprises. Some good. Some bad.”
Henry Bromel
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”
Unknown
“Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.”
William James
“The fear of life is the favorite disease of the 20th century.”
William Lyon Phelps
(please don't conform!)
"He is able who thinks he is able."
Buddha
“Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.”
Laurence J. Peter
And this are snippets of lyrics from some of my favourite songs.
"Youth is like diamonds in the sun,
And diamonds are forever,
So many adventures couldn't happened today,
So many songs that we forgot to play,
So many dreams swimming out in the blue,
Let them come true"
"Find your mirror go and look inside
And see the talent you always hide
Don't go kidd yourself well not today
Satisfaction's not to far away"
"But if we hide ourselves away
Afraid to grow and learn
We might wake up in the flames
Of the ignorance that burns
And we’ll never be much more
Than only casualties of war
In a struggle we can’t win
If we have no faith to begin
We’ve got to tip the lid
And let some sunlight in
Cause the world is not a box"
You can't take your life away. You'll be wasting a brain, a heart and a soul. None of these are yours.
I also know you would rather listen to famous, reliable people, rather than my advice. I picked out some for you, hope you like it.
Hope you would give your life another chance.
“Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead.”
Unknown
“Life is like a coin. You can spend it any way you wish, but you only spend it once.”
Lillian Dickson
“Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars.”
Henry Van Dyke
“We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It's a messy business, life. It's hard to figure - full of surprises. Some good. Some bad.”
Henry Bromel
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.”
Unknown
“Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.”
William James
“The fear of life is the favorite disease of the 20th century.”
William Lyon Phelps
(please don't conform!)
"He is able who thinks he is able."
Buddha
“Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.”
Laurence J. Peter
And this are snippets of lyrics from some of my favourite songs.
"Youth is like diamonds in the sun,
And diamonds are forever,
So many adventures couldn't happened today,
So many songs that we forgot to play,
So many dreams swimming out in the blue,
Let them come true"
"Find your mirror go and look inside
And see the talent you always hide
Don't go kidd yourself well not today
Satisfaction's not to far away"
"But if we hide ourselves away
Afraid to grow and learn
We might wake up in the flames
Of the ignorance that burns
And we’ll never be much more
Than only casualties of war
In a struggle we can’t win
If we have no faith to begin
We’ve got to tip the lid
And let some sunlight in
Cause the world is not a box"
You can't take your life away. You'll be wasting a brain, a heart and a soul. None of these are yours.
Friday, October 31, 2008
Learning the Truth
I was reading the last chapters of Looking For Alibrandi again yesterday and came across this song. Apparently, people learn the truth at seventeen. I'm half way past it. Why am I still so ignorant about life?
I was in year nine or ten when I read the book for the first time. I remember thinking, why is it such a big deal? HSC is just HSC! Why would people commit suicide for it? Why would others need a support network just because of a set of exams? Why would anyone feel nervous at all?
I think I can relate to Josie a bit now. Her life and mine are slightly similar.
Seventeen - Janice Ian
I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired.
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth.
And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say come dance with me
and murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems
At seventeen.
A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
said, Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve.
The rich relationed hometown queen
Married into what she needs
A guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly.
Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
Indebentures of quality
And dubious integrity.
Their small town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received
At seventeen.
To those of us who know the pain
Of valentines that never came,
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me.
We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, come dance with me
and murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me
At seventeen.
I was in year nine or ten when I read the book for the first time. I remember thinking, why is it such a big deal? HSC is just HSC! Why would people commit suicide for it? Why would others need a support network just because of a set of exams? Why would anyone feel nervous at all?
I think I can relate to Josie a bit now. Her life and mine are slightly similar.
Seventeen - Janice Ian
I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired.
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth.
And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say come dance with me
and murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems
At seventeen.
A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
said, Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve.
The rich relationed hometown queen
Married into what she needs
A guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly.
Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
Indebentures of quality
And dubious integrity.
Their small town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received
At seventeen.
To those of us who know the pain
Of valentines that never came,
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.
It was long ago and far away
The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me.
We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say, come dance with me
and murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me
At seventeen.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
My Updated, Upbeat Life
My final year of high school started out of nowhere about three weeks ago. I am still adjusting my eyes to the bright light at the end of the tunnel, which is something like Medicine in UNSW. And the lesser bright light next to it spells out M-E-D-I-C-I-N-E-,-U-W-S. If I can’t get their fast and qualified enough for the brighter one, I wouldn’t mind taking the second way out. The problem is that I might not get their in time for that one either. Quoting Scarlett, “I will think about that later.”
Year twelve is nothing like year eleven. The work is much harder, comes in bigger loads and has to be done faster. The worst part is – all of it counts towards determining how realistic my dream of successfully reaching the end of the tunnel is. If I screw up once, it’ll be a big, fat, permanent black mark on my newly cleaned record. But – I will think about that later.
My new timetable is so inelastic to my demands, no matter how much tax I impose on these, they won’t budge. The bad things about it include:
My extremely ignorant and boring economics teacher.
My incredibly annoying maths teacher.
Morning classes – twice a week.
Monday afternoon maths classes, when the rest of the year 12s get to go home.
I am so disadvantaged that I really should be given the right to apply for extra points. And then there is the added problem of travelling so far away. And then... and... And etc. Yup I should be able to get a 99 by scraping past 80.
I wish.
Ohhh. The good news is – I am studying Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close as an Area of Study text! I was so, so happy to see it on the list I could’ve cried. Dear Oskar would be back to me and I would be back to dealing with fictitious characters’ depression and coming up with amazing ideas and theories and feeling quite smart for doing so. The bad news is – I threw out last year’s notes.
Maths isn’t that bad either – apart from Ms Trotter. She literally trots!
(I just looked up ‘trotter’ in Encarta Dictionary Tools.
trot·ter [tróttÉ™r]
(plural trot·ters)
n
1.
food pig or sheep foot: the foot of an animal, especially that of a pig or sheep, when used as food
2.
horseracing trotting person or animal: somebody who or something that trots, especially a horse that has been specially trained to trot in harness
LOL!)
I am trying to like her attention on me. I figured, the only way I have a chance of ever getting my way with her is if I sit at the front and nod and smile enthusiastically at everything she says for five minutes. It’s working. She feels loved and therefore does not mind if I don’t pay attention for the rest of the period. I can’t help it! She even makes extension 2 look boring!
Steven makes my week complete every Friday with extension 2 and I am guaranteeing it – this subject is probably the most interesting one I’m doing. In the past two years, I never thought I would associate ‘interesting’ with ‘maths’, but Steve simply and easily made this impossible concept possible to bear. I wish I could tell him how great a teacher he is. Even though I’ve only been his student for about a month, I can already feel the change within me. My competitive nature for solving problems is finally emerging again. The last time I felt this ‘fresh’ about maths would probably be year 6. I even dreamt about maths twice in the last three weeks!
(I’ve just read over that paragraph and I sound crazy. Enough about maths.)
In the midst of this chaotic year, I’ll be going to BD inshaallah – exactly 40 days later. I have a things-to-do-before-I-go-to-BD list somewhere, which includes many things like ‘lose 10 kilos’ and ‘get rid of accent’. I haven’t done any of them. I keep extending the last date for ‘lose 10 kilos’. Right now, I’m giving myself the excuse of HSC. Everyone gets fat during their final year, so I might as well stay this way. With that thought out of the way, I am increasingly getting excited everyday. BD changed me a lot last time I went, and I wonder if it’ll have a similar effect on me this time. I hope I change to be better, instead of coming back with a little bit of my innocence gone, again.
Here you go, dear Miss Emu, an update of my life. Now you have no excuse to not know that I will still be at school for one more year. :P
ps: I met an apu recently who hated maths in high school. Now, she is studying accounting and married to a mathematician. I love irony when its to do with other people’s lives.
Year twelve is nothing like year eleven. The work is much harder, comes in bigger loads and has to be done faster. The worst part is – all of it counts towards determining how realistic my dream of successfully reaching the end of the tunnel is. If I screw up once, it’ll be a big, fat, permanent black mark on my newly cleaned record. But – I will think about that later.
My new timetable is so inelastic to my demands, no matter how much tax I impose on these, they won’t budge. The bad things about it include:
My extremely ignorant and boring economics teacher.
My incredibly annoying maths teacher.
Morning classes – twice a week.
Monday afternoon maths classes, when the rest of the year 12s get to go home.
I am so disadvantaged that I really should be given the right to apply for extra points. And then there is the added problem of travelling so far away. And then... and... And etc. Yup I should be able to get a 99 by scraping past 80.
I wish.
Ohhh. The good news is – I am studying Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close as an Area of Study text! I was so, so happy to see it on the list I could’ve cried. Dear Oskar would be back to me and I would be back to dealing with fictitious characters’ depression and coming up with amazing ideas and theories and feeling quite smart for doing so. The bad news is – I threw out last year’s notes.
Maths isn’t that bad either – apart from Ms Trotter. She literally trots!
(I just looked up ‘trotter’ in Encarta Dictionary Tools.
trot·ter [tróttÉ™r]
(plural trot·ters)
n
1.
food pig or sheep foot: the foot of an animal, especially that of a pig or sheep, when used as food
2.
horseracing trotting person or animal: somebody who or something that trots, especially a horse that has been specially trained to trot in harness
LOL!)
I am trying to like her attention on me. I figured, the only way I have a chance of ever getting my way with her is if I sit at the front and nod and smile enthusiastically at everything she says for five minutes. It’s working. She feels loved and therefore does not mind if I don’t pay attention for the rest of the period. I can’t help it! She even makes extension 2 look boring!
Steven makes my week complete every Friday with extension 2 and I am guaranteeing it – this subject is probably the most interesting one I’m doing. In the past two years, I never thought I would associate ‘interesting’ with ‘maths’, but Steve simply and easily made this impossible concept possible to bear. I wish I could tell him how great a teacher he is. Even though I’ve only been his student for about a month, I can already feel the change within me. My competitive nature for solving problems is finally emerging again. The last time I felt this ‘fresh’ about maths would probably be year 6. I even dreamt about maths twice in the last three weeks!
(I’ve just read over that paragraph and I sound crazy. Enough about maths.)
In the midst of this chaotic year, I’ll be going to BD inshaallah – exactly 40 days later. I have a things-to-do-before-I-go-to-BD list somewhere, which includes many things like ‘lose 10 kilos’ and ‘get rid of accent’. I haven’t done any of them. I keep extending the last date for ‘lose 10 kilos’. Right now, I’m giving myself the excuse of HSC. Everyone gets fat during their final year, so I might as well stay this way. With that thought out of the way, I am increasingly getting excited everyday. BD changed me a lot last time I went, and I wonder if it’ll have a similar effect on me this time. I hope I change to be better, instead of coming back with a little bit of my innocence gone, again.
Here you go, dear Miss Emu, an update of my life. Now you have no excuse to not know that I will still be at school for one more year. :P
ps: I met an apu recently who hated maths in high school. Now, she is studying accounting and married to a mathematician. I love irony when its to do with other people’s lives.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Sincere Attempt at Sincere Poetry - stuff straight out of my heart
Do you know how much I love you?
My heart breaks every time you shout at me.
It leaps out of its cage every time you hug.
My lips tremble at your exhausted, bitter, slashing words.
Yet, my nose does not want to stop smelling you.
It hurt a lot when you pulled my hair.
But it hurts more when you want to cut off the invisible string that ties my heart to yours.
I know you love me more than I can ever love you.
Do you know exactly how much I love you?
I know this all seems empty to you.
Empty words with empty letters in empty envelopes in empty post office in the empty city of my empty, non-existant heart. Right?
Right.
I am empty.
Without you.
I love you, this much, and much more.
23/09/08
The day you told me you always thought I would be the child closest to you, but I broke your heart by not being her. I hope you know - I love you, this much, and much more.
My heart breaks every time you shout at me.
It leaps out of its cage every time you hug.
My lips tremble at your exhausted, bitter, slashing words.
Yet, my nose does not want to stop smelling you.
It hurt a lot when you pulled my hair.
But it hurts more when you want to cut off the invisible string that ties my heart to yours.
I know you love me more than I can ever love you.
Do you know exactly how much I love you?
I know this all seems empty to you.
Empty words with empty letters in empty envelopes in empty post office in the empty city of my empty, non-existant heart. Right?
Right.
I am empty.
Without you.
I love you, this much, and much more.
23/09/08
The day you told me you always thought I would be the child closest to you, but I broke your heart by not being her. I hope you know - I love you, this much, and much more.
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