The past few days have been sleepless, friendless, breakless, me-time-less and some more. At the end of such a week, one needs a break - the right kind of way, especially when one knows that the coming weeks will be busier. So I cut a huge slice of cheesecake, threw that and some grapes in a bowl, changed into the most comfortable clothes I could find, snuggled up in my blanket with She's the Man. Its one of those things that remind you of old times. I remember when I watched it first - my sis and I went to S apu's house for a sleepover. I was very excited because she recently moved to Newcastle, and had a tiny studio apartment all to herself. We stayed up and watched this movie and had expensive ice cream out of its container. I was about fifteen years old, was trying to get over a difficult situation (or so I felt at that time) that most teens go through, and the 'break' really helped. So, I began to associate this movie with 'breaks' - when you need to kick those heels off and just be crazy by yourself - laugh, smile, aww at fictitious characters.

Feeling high

Wiggle's 'Hot Potato' has been stuck in my head the entire day today. I was youtube-ing some Wiggles songs (don't judge - I have my reasons!) this morning and learnt two - Big Red Car and Hot Potato. They're rather catchy. I have a long way to go though - I need to be up to date with all the latest songs and made up characters in children's minds. I never watched too much TV as a child and don't plan to expose mine to a whole lot. I recently started working with a little boy who has autism. He had behaviour therapy for two years, and he improved from being completely non-verbal to using full sentences. I only began working with him, but I need to keep with the program and make sure he is always saying something, or I am always saying something, or singing, or dancing, or tickling, or pretending, or playing with toys. This is sort of new to me, because I usually just talk to kids like adults, and I can't do that with him. I need to turn into those Playschool people. I had my first independent session with him today, and it was much better than I expected. He whined a little, but mostly listened to me. Internally I was jumping in joy even though I had to keep a straight face expect for when I was praising him. I really, really hope he stays nice! He's such a cute little boy that I feel really mean being mean to him when he doesn't listen - but I guess its a life skill that I must learn! :(

Alhamdulillah, right now, my life is comfortably busy. Yes, there are times when I feel like I have a thousand things that I need to get done and all I can think of is sleep. But there are a few things that keeps me going now:
- Visualising what's waiting for me in the Hereafter.
- Thinking about people in worse situations.
- Thinking about times in my life that wasn't like this and how unhappy I was.
- Making lists of WHY I do certain things and reading over them from time to time.

I bumped into Mrs. CP today. She is a very nice lady that lived in our old neighbour for many years, left for the USA and only returned in the middle of last year. She is a Christian missionary that has immense patience and a whole lot of smiles. Her level of ethics are very high and to my knowledge, she never imposes. She reminded me of the fact that you can learn a little (or a lot) from every person that you know, even if you don't take 'everything' from that person. What you have to learn to do is make educated decisions about which parts to internalise and which parts to leave out.

I discovered very cheap coffee a few days ago - $2 for a cup. The coffee is not disgusting, even though its usually slightly hotter than I'd like it to be - but that can be forgiven. Uni cappaccinos have gone up from $2.80 to $3 this year, mochas cost even more! Therefore, $2 a for a cup of mocha/cappa is awesome. I have to cut a lot of costs now that my payments have been reduced (ABA therapy pays two fifth what I used to get for tutoring per hour) and coffee is the first luxury to go. In this time of need, $2 a cup is an amazing discovery!

I realise this post was long overdue (if anyone stills reads me that is...). But when you are living a 'sort of a dream', would you rather close your eyes and live the lesser form of dreams?

...

My mum was asking me if I write poems any more. So, I took out my notebook of poetry/lyrics and flipped through to see if any of them are worthy of mentioning to her. Then I realised that the reason that I haven't been showing her any of my work is because they are mostly dark/depressing/confusing. Like this one (undated):

Neither here or there,

I'm half-way through the stairs;

Not on the ground -

Yet I can't touch the sky. 

I just want to be found;

Either laugh, or cry.

But all I feel right now is

Fear, confusion.

Alhamdulillah.. life is so much better now!! :)

Sleepy thoughts.. quite overdue

When I was little, I had mild (self-diagnosed) aquaphobia - I used to cry on boat rides, even in knee dip water. I remember constantly feeling like the boat would tip and I would drown. I'm not exactly sure when this left me, but, I remember enjoying boat rides at about 14 years of age. I would dip my toes in water and lie the deck, watching the sky as it passed me by. In terms of swimming - when I was 10, ma tried to teach me to swim in the traditional method - throwing me in the water and pretending to drown so that I would come and save her. All I remember from that particular experience is feeling a deep terror and crying on the shore of the pond at nanu's place. Then when we came to Sydney, I was forced to attempt to learn swimming through school sports until about year 7. I was glad to get out of those classes with any excuses I could get my hands on, and was very relieved when the year was finally over!

Recently, due to my new-found (more like lost and re-found, repeatedly) interest in my health, I researched into what my optimal exercise would be. A combination of cardio and strength training are best. Swimming seemed to have gotten the best comments in terms of cardio, so, over the next few months, I bought a swimming costume, found a cheap convenient pool and a friend who was willing to drive me there and teach me. After spending two hours, I finally learnt how to keep myself floating and flap all four limbs in a fairly correct way (although breathing was still a problem). On my second day, I swam about 3/4th of the way through the pool (alhamdulillah!!). So, I think I can finally say - I know how to swim!! Although I'm not entirely sure if the fear is completely gone. I still have to make sure I swim in the end aisle so that I can hold on to the sides any time I want to.

What made this last attempt to learn different from the previous ones is that it was completely out of my own will. This is important, because while it is impossible for our society to function if we all waited until we wanted to do something, our society will cease to function if we just did everything because someone is forcing us. The balance is usually acquired when one grows up (yes, we are babied enough to not strike a balance... even at 30). But from my studies, I found that its best if this is practised on children as well. Children need to be strictly disciplined, but they need to feel loved enough to want to do what their parents are hoping they do.

What I found while tutoring children is that the parents who are conscientious and organised enough to keep a track of their kids' school work, friends and other important details, raise disciplined kids who are armed with skills they need as an adult. But parents who treat their kids like adults (ie: letting them do whatever they want) usually see a negative effect. This is common sense, yes, but it was such a wake up call for me. It made me realise, yet again, how much of a hard work it is to be a mother. Just the other day, my mum was describing her ordeal of settling into Australia in her 40s, starting life all over again. I found myself thinking that if I was in her position, I would probably kick up my heels and flee! (I am hoping I never will be in the tough positions she was in, and that I never run away from my kids :P.)

One of my favourite people in the world (EE, who also happens to be the mother of five beautiful children, the youngest of whom is less than a week old; the eldest three are my students) said that she keeps going because she feels that if she does not give the rights that her kids deserve, she will be accountable for it. I found this to be quite a helpful insight, because, we always hear scholarly lectures about how we should treat our parents, but not many people reinforce the gravity of the parent's job. In fact, this point of view can be applied in every single relationship. If every person took care of the rights of others, no one would have to fight for their own rights. Unfortunately we don't live in Utopia. So, I guess we just have to make do with doing this ourselves - making sure we give others their rights - and try to raise awareness of it in the people around us.

Another thing that EE does is teach by being an exemplary role model herself, rather than just talk about it. I grew up in a family, school and community where I was constantly told that I should be a role model to others, but I guess, it was never explains how I should be so, because I never really picked the right ones. Of course no one person is perfect, so you have to pick bits and pieces out of everyone that you admire. But practising what you preach as well as the bits that you don't preach goes a long way in terms of making a point.

So yes... I shall bid farewell now because my eyes are dripping with sleep, its 12.12 AM, I need to get up early and I'm going to a picnic and a wedding tomorrow. Also, while I was typing (I think I was in the 2nd paragraph), blogger suddenly refreshed and started to look very different. I have witnessed a momentous change in history. :P 

Inconsistency

One would think that a psychologist would be able to solve all of her own problems, since that's what she gets paid for. Perhaps that would be the case when I actually become one (inshaallah!) although I'm not doing so now. However, I am able to identify problems and find a cause for the problem, most of the time. I am hoping that someday I will be able to take the next step and actually solve problems.

My latest realisation somehow relates to this post where I outlined the steps in the cycle of events in my life. I realised that when I do feel like life is getting better, it is due to external results. For example, tonight, I am feeling extremely satisfied with my life because a) I got paid, b) all the students I tutored today were very productive, c) The parents (i.e.: my employers!) were happy with me, d) I found some more prospects of work i.e.: opportunities to undergo a-c more frequently, e) I worked out a way to manage my money so that I can reach my short term spending goals as well long term saving goals, f) I had an amazing cup of coffee.

All of these are external results. If I didn't get paid, or if my students were feeling lazy, or if the coffee turned out to be disgusting, it is quite likely that my mood would not be the way it is now. This is pretty dangerous because this is the exact reason why people like me feel like they live the life of a sine curve. The ideal solution would be to detach our source of happiness from external results and attach it to something greater. Something that wouldn't run out - only then can we have the impetus to get up every single day and be productive and hopeful. This reminded of a video I watched a very long time ago.

The only problem is, keeping that impetus alive seems like an extremely hard task to me. I am the last person to be regular and consistent. I make very elaborate plans, yet, the plans go out the window after a few days. I realised that happens when I start to think one of two things: a) I'd never be able to achieve my end goal, or, b) What I've achieved is good enough, I can rest now. This is when I undergo stages 3, 4 and 5. I have never been able to be consistent in my life, so I have accepted it as a part of me now. So putting all of these together, it seems that my good feelings are attached to the goodness of this world, and my bad feelings are attached to the opposite.

Then I came across this verse the other day: "And of the people is he who worships Allah on an edge. If he is touched by good, he is reassured by it; but if he is struck my a trial, he turns on his face (to the other direction). He has lost (this) world and the Hereafter. That is what is the manifest loss." (22:11)

And this struck me. This sounds like someone who attaches their happiness or lack of to the external results of this world. Then I realised that this is exactly why I keep going round in circles. This is why my life is a cycle of events rather than a straight (or wavy) ascending line.

This is not to say that I have never implemented strategies for improvement and succeeded. There are several things that I have tried, for example, living for one day at a time, and have succeeded for a while (alhamdulillah). I have managed to instil certain values in myself that I admire in others. But there are some things that I keep failing in, and I keep climbing and falling, climbing and falling.

So I started to think about exactly what I can do to suit my lifestyle of irregularity as well as be a Muslim. After all, Islam is for every single person in the world. Every person has a different kind of test and has the potential to reach the highest level of Jannah. In this case, why would someone who is naturally routinised be better than me, someone who finds it hard to routinise herself, if we are all equals?

Usually, when I write something in this blog, I write it after I have come up with a solution that makes sense to me. In this case, I actually do not have any solutions that I have not tried before. I guess what I (and people like me) have to do is:
- Make lots of dua to have a balance to my life and days.
- Keep a few things regular - for example, spending a certain amount of time behind the Quran every day, without being too specific on the how of it.
- Constantly remind oneself that everything comes from Allah. So all the good that you have done would not be even thought of if Allah did not put the thought there. This humbles oneself and reduces the thoughts of a) 'I'm never going to be good enough' or b) 'I'm good enough already, so I can rest now'.
- Have a strong support system in which people who are supportive yet not overbearing.
Any other ideas?

Mother, mother of pearls, marriages :)

For about the past month, my siblings and I have lived in our huge house all by ourselves. Our parents, for the first time in their entire twenty eight years of marriage, went on a holiday, (mostly) purely for the sake of a holiday. They had a great time in Malaysia. When they called and asked what they should get for each of us, I said they should get something to do with memories. So, for me, they got a beautiful bracelet made of mother of pearls, an almost equally beautiful pair of sandals and some other clothes. I hate to be so mushy and materialistic, but they truly are beautiful! :')

They also went to Bangladesh. Some parts of myself regrets not going with them because I could have seen Nanu, a woman I have grown to love in the past few years. Her health is deteriorating soon, and I really don't know when I will get a chance to see her again. But some other parts of myself loved the space I got. Sometimes, you need a little bit of space from people to realise how important they are to you, how much you need and want them in your life and how you can never imagine really living without them. Even though they were in a different part of the world, they were only a phone call away, most of the time. And when they weren't, whenever I spent a few days not talk about them or with them, I felt like a part of me has gone missing. I think my parents have learnt a lot from this trip too. So, the past month (although it felt like a few months!) was worth it. :)

The two days before they came back, we went on a massive cleaning spree of the entire house, front garden to backyard. My arms felt like they would fall off, on both days, and it reminded me again of how unfit I am. But I found cleaning to be quite useful, especially for thinking about the huge questions of life (what am I doing with my life? Etc.) and for serving therapeutic purposes in calming the mind. :P But even then, there was a few things that I missed doing, such as wiping down the sofas, and of course it was clearly visible. *sigh*

Talking about housewife-ly duties seem like a good time to transition into the topic of weddings. On Friday night, I went to the reception of a friend, as a 'friend', rather than a family friend or family. So far, this is the only friend that has invited me to her wedding in such a way. To say I had a lot of fun would be an understatement - it was one of the few weddings that I REALLY enjoyed, every moment of it. So, after cleaning the whole day, I fell asleep for about two hours when I intended for much less, only to be woken up by a phone call from the people who were giving me a ride (I still haven't gotten my Ps even though I've aged and grayed). So, I fell out of bed and quickly found something that I can get dressed in in twenty minutes. Another call from that uncle told me that they would be a little late. I really wanted to wear a sari, but then I didn't know how much time I had. Big dilemma. :P Anyway, I ended up wearing a sari by myself (Sum, if you're reading this, this would probably make it the 30th time that you're having to hear it. Sorry. :P), making dua, the entire time, so that it actually looks okay. We ended up getting there after the entre, but before the program, so it turned out fine. When speeches started, we realised that the groom's side was extremely prepared with many funny stories and even a comic video (which had three bangla cinema songs and showed the stages from 'chasing' to 'bribing' to finally getting a yes). The bride's school friends did a very impromptu speech, and I was told, along with another 'random' friend of hers, to do a speech, but no time was specified. In the end, we ended up doing it just before the cake was cut. So, while I was talking, the juice glasses and knives were brought in, people were looking around and talking quite loudly, so yes, 'fail' speech. But it was fun. In the few seconds that I had, I mostly got to talk about how our friendship flourished on Facebook before we even met properly. I thought it was funny, but I'm not sure if everyone else thought so… So next time I start a wedding speech (if there is a next time), I am starting with 'every time I speak publicly, I am known to end up with a huge foot in my mouth…' so that people forgive me even if I do end up with a foot in my mouth. Again. :)

There is a really cute and cheeky toddler laughing away in her mother's arms, while she is held upside down. One of our apus recently had a baby boy, and from his photos, he seems to be the cutest new born baby boy alive. Babies have a way of cheering up the space around them, most of the time.

I have a list of emails to go through and a whole bunch of work to do. :( :( :(

13.01

Funny thing about words are that they can change everything for one person, even if the same ones mean nothing to another. Just the other day, I felt that my perception of reality became a little skewed, yet, I couldn't come out of that state. I was not strong enough to handle my perceptions on my own. Then I talked to B, and he made me feel okay, and within about an hour that we had together on the train, he completely changed my perceptions and made me feel very positive and upbeat about life. And so, I realised, even though I found it hard to talk to him heart-to-heart for a while, he would always be there for me. He is on that top level of people in my life, one of my closest, and rightfully so.

So yes, even if you know something in your heart, it always helps to have it reiterated and reassured by another. The best situation is when what you have in your heart complies with what the important people in your life are saying. Hence, like I said in my last huge post, its important to choose those important people carefully. Alhamdulillah, I have been trying to maintain that distinction in my life, and I can already feel the difference that it has made. That quote that a lot of people have on Facebook - "Truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - by Bob Marley - is indeed the truth. If you let the wrong people hurt you, you will be hurt for no worthwhile reason (unless you learn from your mistake).

Some other updates in my life:
- Summer school started!
- I got my new handset - HTC Sensation XE - a couple of days ago. My first smartphone, my first touch phone, and the umpteenth distraction. However, day by day, I am beginning to realise that I need to learn to manage my distractions myself. Right now, I am still getting used to typing on the touch pad. I feel like a grandma - I have caught people looking at me funny when I fumble with it in public transport. :(
- The newest TV show in my life is Scrubs. 

cute

A long time ago, I saved this photo from PostSecret. I found this again while sorting through my photos. I still think this is extremely cute. :)

I lie inside myself for hours, and watch my purple sky fly over me

My body clock has officially flipped. At 2 AM, I am feeling buzzed enough to get some paperwork done while sipping on some mild caffeine and listening to acapella multitracks of Lauren King. I wish there was some good humming multitracks on Youtube - they could have gathered a million views from my clicks alone. Hopefully it will flip back tomorrow (today), because I have a packed schedule that I am hoping I can keep up with, so by the time its 11 pm, I should be dead enough to crave my bed. Anyway, so, I spent one of the laziest day of my life today (yesterday). I just lay in bed all day and watched Friends, occasionally getting up to get food. The problem with this was - I set up my life so that I cannot afford to have too many lazy days. I already had to push back one commitment, and get rid of another, simply because I felt like spending the day watching Friends and eating. Although this works fine for a while, it eventually gets annoying. And you feel like its not worth it, you would rather get up and get some work done. The moral of the story is - signing up for a balanced load of commitments is good for you. :)

I think I am finally working out the secret of having balanced emotions. I am the sort of person whose emotions naturally go haywire. I need a box of tissues to watch romantic comedies and I feel ecstatic when I can see the colours of the rain, so you can imagine what I would be like when actual emotional events take place. This can get slightly annoying (I know, because I get annoyed by other people who are a lot more emotional than I am). But, I am really grateful for my emotions, because, as cliched as it sounds, they do bring colour to my life. The only trick is to use them optimally, which can be done by creating a balance. If you are an emotional person, its quite harmful to just attempt to suppress it all the time and hide behind a mask. It is equally harmful to express every single emotion every single time to every single person in every situation. What you need to do is identify some people that you can share things with. It doesn't have to be one of two people - it can be a whole group of people, with each of whom you share different parts of your life. Then, there are some things that are better unsaid to people, and you share those with Allah, and you make dua for directions, or strength, or whatever else it is you need. The tricky part is to decide which ones are better kept only between you and Allah and which ones are better to be shared. I am yet to figure that out in detail.

The important thing to remember is to choose the levels of people in your life very carefully. I have made the mistake of letting in a wrong person way too many times, as have most other people. But I guess we just have to keep at it, and consciously realise that there are some people that are plain harmful for us that need we need to stop letting in after a certain point. For example, if you know that one of your friends has a problem with backstabbing, don't tell her things that you don't want others to know, even if you are feeling very vulnerable and feel like that person is the only person who will be able to support you, because, frankly, they are not. But that doesn't mean that you completely push them away. You tell them things that are okay to be public, and you never, ever backstab. Because, if they are talking about someone else with you, they will do the same to about you. I learnt this valuable lesson in my final year of high school, when certain information were randomly flying around from mouth to mouth in ways that I had no idea about. This eventually led to huge fractures in the relationship between a few people, who I had eventually lost contact with. Which is a shame, because at one point, I really did feel like we were very good friends. Moral of the story is, create a balance before you realise that its too late to straighten the tilt.

Our lives are so very different. Yet, at the end of the day, we are all sitting the same test - whether we can survive in it until the end. The details of my test would be different to the details of yours, because the things that I struggle with are not going to be the exact things that you struggle with. But, the main thing is to keep holding on. During difficult times, to realise that it is indeed difficult and seek Allah's help, because, without Him, no one can pull you out. During times of ease, to realise that it came from Him, to thank Him, and thank Him more for giving you the ability to remember Him. We need to realise that its okay that we have failed in the past, because it is our thoughts and actions that follow the failure that matters.

Wake up Sid

I just watched a really cute movie called 'Wake Up Sid'. Its about a spoilt, useless, yet talented, boy who grows up to be a man after he meets a girl. The story seems (and probably is) incredibly clichéd, but I am a sucker for romantic comedies most days, so predictably, it made me tear up like a teenage girl. The part that I loved the most was that they both helped each other grow a little bit, each day. They began as very different people, yet, they brought out the best in each other. Isn't that what all relationship should be about - bringing out the best in each other?

I think, when you don't have anyone in sight that you would like to be in a long term relationship with, you construe an ideal, 'perfect' image in your head, inspired by the various -woods, novels, public faces of others' relationships mixed in with what you believe what you need in order to be 'happy'. But when you fall for someone, the perfect list goes out the window. The trick is to realise that there are more than one person that you have a chance of being compatible with, and you will most definitely have problems with all of them. However, you need to figure out what problems are worth putting up with.

When blessings shower...

I walked home in the pouring rain with my beloved red umbrella (yes, its been two years, but I still love it!) and all I could think of was - I wish I could capture these moments with all of my senses. Time seemed to slow beneath those white and yellow street lights that lit up under the overcast sky. Raindrops lit up one by one, glittered for a while, then fell upon the earth ever so softly. Their heavy melody upon metal rooftops blocked out the unpleasant noises of reality; the smell of fresh, softened earth made my heart beat a little faster. I looked at all those staring at the rain, some with a blank expression, some exasperated from the inconvenience after a long day at work. And I wondered why they could not feel the beauty that I felt. And I felt grateful for being able to feel the beauty. And, even though, by the time I came home, most of my clothes were drenched, and even though, the walk home seemed much longer than the usual five minutes, and even though, I was worried whether my laptop is protected enough - the walk was one of the most content, beautiful walks I have ever walked.

Yahya Ibrahim

Last weekend, I went to yet another Alkauthar course that changed me a little bit. It was taught by sheikh Yahya Ibrahim - one of the most amazing people I have ever come across. His ability to balance himself perfectly in every aspect, ability to prioritise things that matter, people that matter is truly admirable.  It is very easy to tilt that balance as one's roles expand in the external world. His commitments are quite a few, as it can be seen in this excerpts from a short biography - "Since arriving in Australia, he was a religious adviser, and later a Deputy Principal of the largest Islamic school in Australia. Presently, Yahya is attached to Curtin University as an Islamic Chaplain. He is also a director of a retail company that has grown to 13 Halal food outlets based in shopping centres around Pert and soon, inshaallah, expanding nationally and internationally."

I know how busy chaplaincy can get because I have seen MJ, the chaplain at our uni, work for the past two years. He is either signing papers, or arranging finance for an event, or calling up important people, or fixing up the light in the udhu area, or arranging a musallah clean up, or solving people's problems when he isn't lecturing or tutoring his students. He is a happy fellow, but I have always wondered how he keeps his cool. It should be a full-time job alone to be a chaplain. On top of that, being a DIRECTOR of a company - which is most definitely a full-time job alone too - is incredible. In his lectures, he often mentions that he also conducts youth and marriage counselling. He flies to different continents to inspire others. And, as he keeps telling us, the most important people in his life will always be the most important people.

At this stage, I can only aspire and make dua to be like him one day. Compared to him, my commitments are very little, yet, I find it very hard to keep my home life balanced as my external world grows. (And, what's worse is that by 'home life' - I mean 'life of the youngest child', not 'married with two kids'.) However, what I found is, the best, most balanced days come when I feel close to Allah and simply make dua. Dua to keep my parents happy, dua to make my teaching sessions productive, dua to make a wonderful meal, dua to get the best out of a lecture. Its amazing, how, to others, 'dua' would seem like just some spoken words. But its so much more than that to a believer! Its truly a 'weapon' to us. 

Struggling to Surrender

I am currently reading Struggling to Surrender by Jeffrey Lang, an associate professor in the Department of Mathematics and University of Kansas. It is a personal account about the journey and thoughts of a born and raised Catholic turned Atheist turned Muslim. The subtitle of the book is 'some impressions of an American convert to Islam' - even though I am not a 'convert' (nor am I American :P), I am finding that I can relate to a lot of his thoughts and questions, whether it came from myself or others. I am not very far into the book, but I'm finding his points of views interesting because he has so many different backgrounds - rigidly religious, atheism, loving family, mathematics - and all of these impact on the way he views Islam and vice versa. He is very eloquent in his writing - I remember myself being captivated with emotions in a train carriage filled with people as I read through the first chapter - the chapter of how he came to Islam. I would recommend this book to anyone who likes to have their brain picked AND emotional roller-coaster rides.

"How wonderful is the case of a believer; there is good for him in everything and this applies only to a believer. If prosperity attends him, he expresses gratitude to Allah and that is good for him; if adversity befalls him, he endures it patiently and that is better for him."

Appreciating Different Perspectives

Most of the problems between people result from the fact that they are not willing to listen to and consider anyone else's points of views except for their own. Everyone thinks that their way is the best way to go about things (otherwise they wouldn't do so of course!), and most of the times, people dismiss any other ideas that come their way. Yes, we are moving towards a global society where people are agreeing to disagree, but even then, there is an element of a feeling of superiority in one's own opinion. If we just stopped, and honestly listened to others, maybe we would see something that we didn't notice before. Instead of just 'tolerating', we would move towards 'understanding'.

I only realised that this year, I suppose. My usual approach is that if someone threatens my lifestyle, I tend to move away from them. But right now, I am trying to make use of all the perspectives I have been blessed with. I have a certain level of understanding of Islam, and I am trying to improve it. I have friends from different religious backgrounds, whose beliefs I used to dismiss in the past. But, lately, I am finding it interesting to just 'observe' how people's perspectives are shaped due to their religious beliefs. I haven't had too many atheist friends until this year, but now that I do, I am finding it interesting to observe theirs too. However, those friends are all from my neuroscience class, so their points of views are mostly only shaped by science. But, even within them, there are people that come from different cultural and family backgrounds, and its interesting to see the way those factors shape them. I am also starting to notice how people's perspectives change due to their career path. The people that I know that are studying in Social Sciences care much more about others than my friends from Science, who are mostly concerned about themselves and sort of live by 'survival of the fittest'. My lawyer friends always feel the need of arguing their case. People studying in economics/business never seem to enjoy spending money on experiences - and they are very, very careful about the way they spend it. 

I guess this approach does have its flaws. Its hard to know where to draw the line of 'understanding' and 'being influenced' by these thoughts. And of course, there are points of views that you would come across that are contradictory, so, automatically, you would make a judgement between them. And with all these, there's also the question of how to be assertive enough so that you can still hold ground to what you believe in (unless you're reconsidering) and be respectful. This, I think, brings out one wisdom of praying five times a day. When you make it compulsory for yourself to talk to God - the highest power without whom not a single leaf can move, the One that holds all power and at the same time is the most wise, knows you better than you know yourself, is the most merciful yet the perfect judge - it becomes easier for you to remember why you do the things you do. It provides an impetus for you to keep going, look at the big picture instead of getting confused by the details.

Also, studying in an all girls school my whole life (except for three years - kindergarten (when cooties were still real), year 5 & 6 (the giggly age)), I was never really exposed to guys. But now that I am, its also interesting to see their point of views and how its very, very different to the way that females think. For example, one of the guys was talking about how he sees women - the fact that even a very good friend can evoke sexual responses when she wears tight clothes. Exposed skin and visible figures immediately makes men think about sex. I read this article the other day, that said that its found that 'looking at images of women's bodies activates the part of men's brains associated with using power tools'. And I suppose the degree of exposure and the resulting stimulation varies across cultural backgrounds, depending on how much you are constantly exposed. But the bottom line is, men are truly less in control of their bodily responses. It would be interesting to see a study done on women though. However, I think women are generally more attracted to the way a person talks, and the way they use their words. This has only been a personal observation for a very long time. But I recently found out (from a little bit of Wiki research :P) that females have larger Wernicke's area and Brocka's area, which are the areas in the brain that allows you to form words and sentences coherently, comprehend them and other things associated with language. We also have larger auditory regions. Males have a larger area in the parietal lobe that visual and spatial information. So, we are wired to be more attracted to words and voices, while men are wired to be more attracted to physique. So, when people ask why Islam asks women to cover more parts of their body while it does not ask the same from men, they ask a stupid question. :P Of course, these findings were not possible to be discovered before neuroimaging began. The first method of neuroimaging was introduced in 1919, but it was a really dangerous process and didn't really provide much information. MRIs and CT scans only came in 1970s and 80s, which then made these observations possible. This really made me appreciate my hijab a little bit more than I have in the past. Its something that covers both exposed skin and conceals figure - the two things that set of the biological alarm in men. Of course, its not a one way street. Islam also prescribes men to lower their gaze and cover a certain extent in their body. And all the while, for both parties to know that God is fully aware of what they do and think at all times.

Of course there are instructions and suggestions throughout the Qur'an and Hadith that were scientifically proven to be beneficial. A quick google search of Qur'an and Science will tell you so. However, the purpose of the Quran is not to 'empirically' prove that God exists, the purpose of the Qur'an is to tell us of signs of God. It is more of a correlation proof rather than a causal proof. But when I come across things like this, it just reminds me more of the truth of the verses that tell us: "It may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know." (2:216) 

Intellect

The more people I meet, the more I learn to take a holistic point of view to life. When I first started becoming interested in Islam (although I was raised by religious parents, my religion didn't always interest me), I used to wonder why others don't see what I see. I used to think, if this is really the truth, why isn't it reaching all those people who definitely have intellect and goodness? After all, the Qur'an constant keeps saying that the signs of Allah are for those who have intellect (e.g.: 38:29). What does that mean? Does that mean that people who are very high achievers in our society are not of 'intellect'? Or does that mean that some parts of the Qur'an cannot be taken as the truth?

With more people I meet, and the more parts of Qur'an I read, I realise that it is not just dependent on a person's intellect to find the truth. It depends greatly on if they are seeking the truth, and seeking it from the right source. In order to do so, one must completely leave arrogance. Arrogance clouds one's judgement from accepting the fact that it is possible for a deity to exist without whom nothing can function. And Allah does not guide the arrogant (7:146). Also, one must be completely honest with oneself. And most importantly - one must recognise that there is a truth to be sought, then, ask to be guided to the truth. And Allah is Just - He gives everyone a chance at least once in their lifetime to turn to Him. He tests everyone. Although the tests occur in different forms, in the end, we are all tested according to our abilities and rewarded according to how we react.

The two types of intellectuals who I have come across who I thought had great potentials to lead a life of Islam, yet, did not choose it so far, were - those with arrogance, and those who simply were not looking for it. This is what I failed to recognise when I used to be frustrated with the people who just don't see Islam the way I do. This frustration occurred because I kept forgetting that my job is not to guide - my job is just to let people know in the best way I can (88:21-26). I don't have the power to change hearts - only God can do that. And He will do so when the person who's heart needs to be changed wants the change (13:11).

The other thing that people do when they are constantly thinking about such people is that they greatly reduce their own productivity. They invest a lot of energy and time on one person, when a few others could have benefited much better with equal or less effort. For example, I know for myself that I spent a lot of time just 'talking' about Islam to these people, sometimes losing sleep, time for study etc. I tend to lose balance, and once that balance is lost, every other commitment in my life is affected. In the end, the talking comes to nothing much (in my eyes), and the consequences of the loss of balance amounts to a whole lot of extra work. And often, I lose sight of the purpose of such talks altogether. I would be so consumed by trying to reason things that I would subconsciously think about it even in my prayers.

And when I thought about it, Allah talks about this in the Quran too - in an incident where the prophet paid more attention in trying to give Islam to the elite in the society than a blind man. "The Prophet frowned and turned away. Because there came to him the blind man, (interrupting). But what would make you perceive (Oh Muhammad), that perhaps he might be purified. Or be reminded and the remembrance would benefit him? As for he who thinks himself without need, to him you give attention. And not upon you (is any blame) if he will not be purified. But as for you who came to you striving (for knowledge), while he fears (Allah), from him you are distracted. No! Indeed, these verses are a reminder, so whoever wills may remember it." (80: 1-12). I think once the Qur'an is read with the intention of using it as your guidance, it really does provide it.

I think, we need to learn to recognise the end of a productive discussion. When an attempt to convince someone of something has a negative effect on more important things, such as helping someone else who can benefit from you, or your own personal worship, it crosses the point of being 'productive'. This is where we need to remember hadiths such as: "Whoever does not argue when he is in the wrong will have a home built for him on the edge of Paradise. Whoever avoids it when he is in the right will have a home built for him in the middle of Paradise. And whoever improves his own character, a home will be built for him in the highest part of Paradise." (Tirmidhi)


But then, this brings up the problem of being passive. How do you draw the line between being passive and stepping away from an argument for the sake of Allah? How can you be healthy and assertive, but at the same time, get to that highest level of Paradise?

I tend to find that I have a lot of passive aggression in my behaviour. Basically - when I get really angry, or I feel that something is unfair, I tend not to say anything right then and there, but burst sometime soon. I think I am getting better at controlling these though. I realised it happens because my thoughts close up - I just cannot respond at all. When I do start talking, I start stuttering really badly, and that just makes me delve deeper into my passive aggressiveness. I think this generally happens to anyone who is a little shy by nature. However, I am consciously trying to get out it. Every time such a situation comes up, I try to think up of reasons of why I am feeling such a way - then try to 'talk' instead of shout. Always works better. :)

When the talking meets a dead end, that's when you realise that it is turning into an 'argument' that cannot be solved at this point in time. That is when you smile and say, 'maybe you're right', and walk away. Still trying to master this skill.

Lately, I am finding that certain people are placing more value in what I have to say because I am studying Psychology. I do find it amusing, although I must say its not entirely wrong to do so. Studying Psychology taught me about people's interactions a little bit more. I actually do find myself observing others a lot more than I used to, and enjoying it. There is a strand of Psychology called Neuropsychology - which deals with working with neuroimaging in people with mental disorders. In plain terms - neuropsychologists figure out if something is wrong with a person's brain - which is then taken to doctors to solve. This is currently interesting me. But then, there are so many things that are currently interesting me. Life is good. :)

We are not the flowers, we're the strangling weeds in the meadow

"I wonder what I'd do if I could wake up every morning with a clean slate
I'd burn through the cities and tear through the towns because there's no deals to make
So break out of the cages, the delicate structures we cling to all our lives
Because we are just the monkeys who fell out of the trees
When we were trying to fly"

There's a reason why the song keeps saying 'pretend' that you're alone now. Because, there's no way that you can truly escape. You can only pretend to escape.

Caterpiller

A was in a different continent for the past three months for her PhD work. In these three months, I talked to her online and on the phone on several occasions, but obviously, only about things that are going on in the surface of our lives. At times, I really missed just going to her room randomly and talking about anything and everything. The thing is, over the years, I have learnt to rely on her so heavily that when she isn't here, I feel kind of lost. We shared a room until I was nineteen. I talked to her about anything and everything for my whole life. I am so used to having my problems solved by her that I struggle to be myself when she isn't there to shadow me. (Just read that sentence again - I sound like the psychopaths I hope to treat one day... :S). I guess what I am trying to say is that my sister is the most special person in my life. I hope Allah rewards her with Jannah for always being there with me. :)

One of my friends from my high school's group of eight is engaged. That makes two of them now; and MP is quite settled with BC by now. That leaves five of us to our singlehood - yet to be scooped away by our princes. I remember when we used to discuss such silliness in high school (and come to think of it, I still discuss such silliness!) - we decided that twenty three is the perfect age for marriage. We also decided that MP will be the first to get a boyfriend (which did come true!). I am pretty sure there were several other things that we decided upon, I just can't remember them. Should've written them down. Its been four years since we were all together in the playground, dreaming our lives away. Its funny - I still feel like I am stuck in my head, in my dreams. It would be interesting (or maybe depressing...) to see how our lives turn out in 5-6 years.

Our princes - funny how every girl wants princes, even though they may not be princesses. I heard a quote once - "If you want a Muhammad, be a Khadija". I am sure this goes for guys as well. Then we grow up and we realise that Romeo and Juliet was just a story. And that reality will probably eventually look something like this: 

But until reality really arrives at our doorsteps, we continue to fill our lives with objects from our dreams.

Tomorrow is Green Scarf Day at UNSW to raise funds for Somalia. The idea is - we turn up in green hijabs (or scarves), bake/buy and donate green food, sell them, buy them, laugh, eat, bond etc - and donate all $$ raised to a specific cause. Its quite a lot of fun, except, I am not going to be there at the stall tomorrow (except to probably buy some fat cells). I told myself I shall study in the library. Its been a while since I wholeheartedly involved myself in something completely unselfish. I think, what selfishness does is - it shrinks your heart. Your heart gets used to only leaving room for yourself, and no more. So, when you try to fit another in there, it becomes hard to handle. But, when you keep trying, and you keep doing things for others, it slowly becomes easy. This is what I have to try to return to when my exams finish (in 3 weeks!).

I just read about one of the best times of my life. I really hope to return to that version (or a better one) of myself some time soon.

Fear of dreaming

Wrote this a few months ago, with a tune! :)

Every time she lets herself dream,
The dream becomes a wondering thought.
She tells herself over and over again
Not to try to reach high, 'cause its a long shot.
There's a huge, huge chance she'll fall,
Shatter into pieces and crawl
back into her cocoon of tears,
Strengthening those unsaid fears.

They say all those things
In the songs they sing
of fairy tales and diamond rings;
Are they ever true
Do they have a clue
of how it goes when times get blue.

'Cause every time the dream is a thought,
It wonders to the edge of her mind.
Starts believing it has wings, while it doesn't,
Leaps in a faith too blind,
And in the huge, dark hole - it drops,
Before it has a chance to stop,
Hits the cold hard ground of reality.


They say all those things
In the songs they sing
of fairy tales and diamond rings;
Are they ever sure
Or just a guess too poor
Attempting to break down closed doors?

They say all those things
In the songs they sing
of fairy tales and diamond rings
Just to make you dream
Just to make it seem
like its not an illusion.

Somewhat nerdy?

Yes, its 2.03 AM, and I really should be studying... instead, I just wrote a lame rhyme. Hope I get to use this on someone someday! xD

When I look at you,
My sympathetic system makes me feel pathetic.
Raising heart rate
Making pupils dilate
It gives me away,
And I look for words that I should say
That won't make you notice
That you make me release
A whole bunch of stuff like dopamine.

When I hear your voice
I have no choice
But to undergo some PVCs,
I try to look busy
But you make me feel dizzy
Like I'd forget my ABCs.
It gives me away,
And I look for words that I should say
That won't make you notice
That you make me release
A whole bunch of stuff like dopamine.

Currently favourite