All those pieces that I have found

Ramadhan is about three weeks away. Every year, I look forward to this time, yet, when it gets close, I feel like it came way too fast. Quite a few things happened in the last few weeks that disoriented me. But what really tired me out, was the lack of a constant and consistent source of spiritual revival. I remember this quote I wrote down a long time ago - "Nothing is easy if you seek it through yourself. Nothing is difficult if you seek it through your Lord." There are times in your life when you realise the truth of something you have discovered in the past. And you think, how could I have been so stupid as to let myself forget a lesson I learnt and allow myself to go through the entire process again? But then you realise, that is part of living the life of this world. You can climb ten steps then fall all the way again. But the trick is to keep searching for the handle to hold onto. And to try your best to keep climbing.

The past few weeks have also showed me the consequences of lack of prioritising. Actually, the full consequences have not shown itself yet, and there is a huge chance that I may need to carry it with me for a few years. However, this fear that I feel is causing me to not face the thought of thinking about the consequences. But at the same time, I know, just trying to forget about something without dealing with it only takes me further away from climbing up those steps. There are several things that we don't want to do, even though we know that doing them will be good for us. We find excuses to get out of and try to convince ourselves that they are valid reasons. But running away from responsibilities don't make them go away. I guess all we can do is keep forcing ourselves to be absolutely truthful with our own selves.

I have also re-learnt that you cannot, ever, keep everyone happy. There will always be some people that will be unhappy with you. But you have to choose those people carefully. I guess this comes down to prioritising as well. I feel like I need a proper dose of EE's presence in my life. She is a walking, talking, breathing example of a balanced person. Mother of five, a student of knowledge, volunteer worker, great cook and very, very bubbly. She is one of those people that you wish you had the attitude of. Attitude is something that can be learnt, so, I really wish I had some time to spend with her to diffuse it into myself.

Lessons

So a few nights ago, at around 12.30 AM, I began cleaning my room. I cleaned out my entire cupboard - got rid of clothes that I forgot existed (or wished to forget!), arranged the remaining clothes, soft toys and handbags in a conventional feminine manner. I cleaned out my entire bookshelf, chucking out a whole lot of papers. I cleaned out my jewellery, wiping everything down. I was very proud of my achievement (and still am), yet, I realised, it still looked 'messy' to outsiders. To me, it looked perfectly fine, because the major furnitures in my room were neat and tidy. But I still have some books on my bed, some on the floor, pens here and there, a coffee cup and some clothes and a handbag on the chair. This does not bother me, because I know exactly where everything is, and I still have enough space to live comfortably. This is when I realised, I can never live in complete and utter neatness. To me, the way things are right now, seems to be where they should be - I am aware of everything that is happening in this space. If I took a bit more time in cleaning it further, and cleaning every single day, it would seem neat to everyone else too. But, to me, that doesn't matter. Because this is my space.

My point is, I realised, I like the general ideas of things rather than details. I have a general idea of how my life should be and how its going. I have a general idea about the person that I am. The moment I start thinking about specifics is the moment I feel stressed out. But this makes sense to me, because, specifics change constantly. General ideas usually remain the same. So, in making decisions, I would make sure that there's in nothing wrong in an overall sense, rather than, looking at the decision in detail and trying to figure out if there is a possibility of something going wrong. And I like doing this, because, it allows me to live a simple and happy life.

One beautiful idea BDR was talking about the other day was - every single communication that you have causes chemical changes in your brain, thus, affecting your emotions, whether it be in a tiny way or a huge way. Physical communication is of course the type that causes the greatest amount of change, however, even exchange of words through typing can cause it. So, its very very unlikely, that the way that you are at the beginning of a conversation, is the way that you remain at the end of it. I think this is why I love communicating. I love talking to people, because, they change me a little by little.

One concept I talked about a few posts back was about not letting people into your hearts. After a friend pointed out the flaw with that concept, I realised, it is indeed flawed. It is a defence mechanism that you set up in order to not hurt yourself. Which, if you think about it, is fair enough. We are wired to protect ourselves in any way we can and this is one of the ways we would do so. However, I realised that there is a better way to create a balance between your interactions with people and your position with yourself. "Be with the Real without creation. Be with creation without your ego." (Jilani). When you talk to interact with people, open your mind completely so that your ego does not get in the way. If something is pointed out to you that's flawed, accept it. See things as it is. Most importantly, never stop interacting with people. We were created to be social, and thus, losing parts of it would mean losing the balance that was meant for us. But at the same time, when you are with the Real, alone with your Creator, with God, just your mind and Him, be truthful. Be completely and utterly truthful and sort things out with Him, without letting any creation enter in that interaction. Make sure things make sense to yourself. Don't let someone else's idea cloud yours if it doesn't make sense to you. However, don't reject it if it does.

This all makes sense in my head, and I felt the need of writing it down just in case it makes sense in someone else's. Also, I was reading my past posts, and I realised, there are many lessons that I have learnt in the past that I forgot. When this is written in this space, it allows me to re-learn them every now and then.

One lesson that I re-learned in the past few days, is this: "But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah knows, while you know not." (2:216) There were times in my life when I thought, why me? Why, even after trying so hard, am I failing? I made dua, I tried my best, I invested all of my emotions into one particular task, and I still failed. Over and over again. it got to a point where I was averse to the idea of it altogether. And then I finally passed that worldly test. Then I had an accident which could have been much worse than it was. And it seems like all those times that I hated the fact that I failed, maybe, the sadness I felt in my heart, and the duas, maybe all of them added together and reduced the impact of this. The accident could have affected me in such a way that I would have to suffer my entire life. But, it seems as if I almost don't have to suffer.

Never, ever underestimate the power of asking God. God ALWAYS answers. If you ask God, without associating any partners, if you ask Him appealing to the Being that He is, be certain that it'll be answered. It'll be answered in one of three ways - it may be given to you immediately, a calamity would be removed from you, you will be rewarded in the Hereafter.

I guess what I am trying to say is, we can only do as much as we can. We do as much as we can through our actions and dua. And the results are up to Allah. But we should have full faith on the fact that Allah will utterly and completely reward us for every good action that we do and every dua that we make.

So, in summary:
1. Have a general idea of how your life will develop rather than details.
2. Have a balance between interaction with people and interaction with God/alone time.
3. Know that life, at the end of the day, is quite fair. 

Mantra

"Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can." - Arthur Ashe.

Thoughts on parenthood

The more people you meet and the more you get to know them, the more you learn about the world. Its one thing to read theoretical books about behaviour and society (as we do in Psychology), its a completely different thing to see it in real life. I realised that I've lived quite a sheltered life - for which, I am, of course, grateful to my parents. I don't think I could have dealt with the complexities of the world if I didn't grow up with an identity. I mean, I still can't  - there's still a lot of things that I am only just trying to internalise, and I'm not exactly sure what to do with the whole heap of information. I'll have to think about it a little more.

But here's some tips for the future me as a parent. The reason why I'm writing them now is because: a) I know I'll forget the lessons I am learning now in 10-20 years time. b) This skills must be acquired over time.

1. Be organised.
2. Manage your time well so that you have some me-time, us-time, kids-time and world-time.
3. Have a non-judgemental attitude. The worst thing you can do to your kids is to make them feel like you are judging them hence push them away. They should not feel ashamed of themselves. They should always have a problem solving attitude. If they have a weakness, they should be able to come and tell you, ask for help, and try to solve the issue at hand/try to get stronger. You are their biggest mentor. If they can't even tell you what's bothering them, you have just failed at the first step of being a mentor.
4. Try to be the best example you can. But at the same time, don't be a hypocrite. If you have a problem, don't try to solve it yourself. Get your partner involved. If your children are old enough, get them involved. Children can look right past hypocrisy, and when they do, they will learn to be one themselves too.
5. Try your best at everything, and teach them to try their best. When you have this attitude, they will forgive you for any shortcomings you have, because, you have indeed tried your best. They will be more open to your suggestions. At the same time, don't expect to get your results straight away from this world. Your reward is with Allah. If things go wrong after you have tried your best, just let it go and try to work from there. Do not plunge into denial and depression.

The reward for being a parent and the status to which you should hold your parents have been mentioned several times in the Quran and Sunnah. So, being a good parent is a guaranteed way to enter Jannah. However, it is not an easy task. Alhamdulillah, I think my parents have done their absolute best with me and my siblings. They have tried to give us everything they had and could not have, in terms of tangible and intangible. And I am sure their parents have done the same, and so on and so forth. So, we will probably try to do the same for our future generation, but they will probably feel that it is not enough. However, the important thing is to keep the communication going. If you are a parent that can learn from your children, you are already halfway there.

Quick thoughts

In an attempt to stay away from the person I almost became, I have stuffed my life with responsibilities so that I don't have time to breathe, let alone let my thoughts go haywire. Then I realised that this is not the way to go - I need to let myself breathe in order to not let myself die. So I got rid of some of my responsibilities and took on some relaxing self-improvement activities. This would have been perfectly fine if I was organised. If I managed my time well, I could have potentially juggled it all and still lived healthily in every sphere of life. However, my lack of time management meant that I fly through a few weeks in absolute relaxation, and cry through a few in absolute exhaustion. If I just do the right thing in the right time, this would not happen. I know this and I have learnt it in the hard way, but I still keep making the same mistake over and over again. This is something that I really have to work on for the second half of the year so that I can look back at the end of the year, and see that I've learnt something.

This month is going to be crazy! It has already began its craziness, however, it shall continue to escalate until the very last week. Several changes are happening in our family - almost every single member has something eventful this month. However, everything in life is a test, whether we perceive it to be good or bad. What we need to do is hold on and try our best to get closer to God through these. Because, in the end, the only absolute truth about life is death. And thus, the only thing that matters is the eternal life after death. So, the only purpose of what we do is to add on to the happiness of that eternity. And the only way to do so is to get closer to God through every single situation. 

The crashes are heaven for a sinner like me

When nothing is certain about the future, we try to make it ourselves. We settle for second best, because the best isn't here yet, and there is no guarantee that it will ever be. We only look at the options in front of us and pick the what seems to be the least negative of all, desperate to get out of the situation we are currently in. We don't believe others when they say we deserve better, and will receive better, only if we wait for it to come around. Alhamdulillah, I am not in that state right now, but I can see plenty of people around me that are. I wish there was some way I could make them see what I see. However, I also see what they see from where they are standing. From where they are standing, they cannot see ahead, thus, they believe that the road ahead does not exist, and they must pave it themselves.

At the end of the day, every single person is flawed. They would not be people if they were not. Therefore, one should never depend completely on someone else, nor should they make anyone dependent on themselves. There should not be one single person that fills your heart, because the moment they leave, you will feel empty without end. In fact, every single person that you let enter your heart becomes a danger to you. Because, even if they take up a very tiny space, they will still leave that bit vacant when they leave. However, it is natural for us to cling to something. Therefore, the best Being to cling to is God, because He is the only Being in your entire existence that will never leave your heart, unless you prevent yourself from letting Him enter or push Him away.

But when you have pushed Him away, it feels horribly humiliating to call Him back. So, you keep delaying the call. You keep losing yourself into everything that is not real, even though you know for sure its not the path you should take. And it becomes a constant cycle, a labyrinth you lose yourself in.

The world is annoying me with all its imperfection.

"And the arms of the ocean are carrying me,
And all this devotion was rushing out of me,
And the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me,
The arms of the ocean deliver me." 

Procrastinating, obviously.

I am attempting to pull another allnighter due to another assignment. I am being VERY organised because this assignment isn't due till Thursday. But I also have a thousand other things to do within that time. I have my coffee, my room is relatively clean, I am underneath my bed (and my bed has finally been rid of all papers except for the assignment sheet!) and I have a whole lot of tabs with articles that I must take notes from. YET I kept winding up on Facebook. Hence, I decided to post up a quick update over here so that I take out all of my procrastination angst in one place then sit and read with a clear mind.

- I turned 21 exactly a month and ten days ago.
- I got my Ps! (After 4 years, 4 trials and hundreds of dollars slipping from my nearly empty wallet)
- I drove to and from work, at night, by myself.
I feel like a grown up. xD

Go to Youtube. Search 'Tales of Mere Existence - Procrastination'.

And again.

Although I often forget that my heart is only Yours

You keep me close, You hold my hand and lead me into light.

Although I turn my back on You and think I am enough

You push me in a corner, with no results, I fight. 

And when I lose - yet again - I feel like such a fool,

I realise that I've been here many times before

When I keep sinking to the bottom of the sea

You always bring me right back to the shore. 

Reminder

When summer turns to autumn then winter, leaves are supposed to turn yellow, then fall off. Green grasses are supposed to become a thing of the past. You are supposed to be sick. Because, if winter never came around, you would not appreciate the beauty of spring. You would not witness the beginning of blooming flowers. You would not be amazed by the slow revival of colours in a grey day. Hence, when those grey days come around, do not despair. Indeed, with hardship, comes ease.

Sickness, loneliness (and also - some happiness!)

Its that time of the year again - I have tissues sprawled everywhere, my nose and eyes are running simultaneously, I have a constant headache, my throat hurts and my voice seems to disappear every now and then. I am sick. This does not happen often. But when it does - it happens at the worst of times. I have an assignment due on Tuesday. I have work and uni all week. I cannot afford to lie on my bed all day even though it is the only activity I would like to (and probably should!) engage in for the next few days.

However, I am left with a empty cup of coffee, a few tunes, blank papers and the article I am supposed to be analysing. So far, I have written a little over 300 words, which I am expecting to magically turn into 1500 words by the end of tonight. After which, I am planning to take off work (I'm sick!) and sleep. By the end of tonight, I am expecting to get sicker anyway. Although, I hate taking work off. I have a love-hate relationship with my current work. I am a junior therapist for two little autistic boys. Currently, they are the cutest and most loved boys in my life. I love it when they wrap their arms around me and giggle. I love laughing like crazy at lame things like a toy car driving up the wall, singing nursery rhymes tunelessly and hearing my name from their little lips.

One thing I love about kids is that they get amused by very small things and start to love anyone they have a bit of fun with. They are free of inhibitions that fill an adult's mind. They don't worry about risks, nor do they judge too quick. But then, they don't have to. The older we grow, the more we know, the more we begin to see the long road ahead of us. The more we see that road, the more cautious we become. The more reserved, the more 'rational', they more careful.

Apart from kids and all the good things that come with them, lately, I have also been thinking about loneliness. I know its all about perception. You may feel lonely amongst a thousand people, and at the same time, you can be without loneliness even when you are by yourself. The only Being that can quench your thirst is God, because if you can perceive that God loves you more than any other being can ever do, you can see that if you fill your heart with His love, it is enough. Alhamdulillah, this concept is easy for me to grasp because I have been exposed to it, have learnt about it and have felt it. Even then, sometimes, that feeling leaves me. I was thinking about the people that have not experienced it, or do not experience it often. Everyone leaves, all the time. And when your heart is attached to one particular person, you are bound to become lonely eventually. And if your heart is attached to a few people, you will still become lonely in the future, and you will be hurt over and over again. And way too many people cling on to other people, if not outwardly, they do in their hearts. And loneliness is ever present in them.

Anyway, I think I should stop philosophising because it will neither get me money nor sleep nor any closer to  where I want to be (unless someone reads my words and are so moved that they miraculously change their life for the better... highly unlikely. :P). Anyway, one of the loneliest songs I know is a song called Near to You by A Fine Frenzy. Although, as a student of Psychology, I should know that I should not tell you this, because, if you are lonely, and you listen to this song, it will make you feel lonelier. And if you are not lonely, and you listen to this song, you will probably start to feel lonely. And loneliness is not a positive emotion.

Time to get off. :)

Florence + the Machine

I love the beginning bits of Florence + the Machine songs. I wish the whole songs were as great as the beginnings. They have great imagery that generate a whole lot of emotions. When you start listening to dog days, you actually smile, because you remember the times when happiness hit you like a train on a track. Who comes up with something like that? Train on a track?

"Happiness hit her like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still, no turning back.
She hid around corners, and she hid under beds,
She killed in with kisses, and from it she fled,
With every bubble she sank with her drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink..."

"You are the hole in my head
You are the space in my bed
You are the silence in between what I thought and what I said.
You are the night time fear
You are the morning when its clear
When its over you will start
You're my head, you're my heart.

No light, no light in your bright blue eyes;
I never knew daylight could be so violent..."

"Regrets collect like old friends,
Here to relieve your darkest moments.
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play.
And every demon wants his pound of flesh..."

Nanu, again. :)

Nanu is visiting us for three months. The last time she came here was seven years ago - back in my immature days. I remember being very rude to her - being annoyed when she asked me to do little things, hating the way she walks so slow, thinking that its pointless that she writes everything that happens in her diary. I never really appreciated her. We went to Bangladesh at the end of the next year. I still didn't like being around nanu very much. I preferred getting up to mischief with my cousins and talking to my choto mami about girly things. The next time I saw her was the next time we went to Bangladesh - when I was seventeen - and I still haven't quite grown up yet. I still got up to mischief, to a slightly greater degree than time before. I still didn't like hanging around nanu. 

Then I finished school and started university. A lot of things changed. When I think about it, I realise how much Allah has blessed me all my life, and especially these last few years. I started to figure out who the important people in my life are, realised what my priorities should be and cleaned up my act a little. At the end of first year, I went to Bangladesh again. Since I had bad experiences for the past couple of times, I was a bit weary of going back. I knew that the adults didn't have a good impression of me, and at the same time, I knew that the things I got up to in the past no longer interested me. I felt like I had to wear a mask of happiness. When I told my sis about it, she said something really important to me - something that I still live by. She said that the happiness doesn't have to be a mask, I can make it real. I don't have to only seem like I am enjoying my stay, I can really try to enjoy it. Instead of thinking 'I just have to be patient these six weeks and then I can relax', I can really try to get to know the people, experience whatever I can and change my life a little. 

Things started to seem very different to me. I didn't feel like getting up to much 'mischief'. (Although... my cousins and I did sneak out in the middle of the night and almost got kidnapped once.) I could see through a lot of people and their fake concern for my well-being. Amongst all of these self discoveries, B was getting married, so everyone in the family was pretty much in one place. That was the time that I really got to 'know' some of the adults in our family. Nanu told me about the different proposals that nanabhai got, and why he rejected all of them, and how he ended up married the 'dark-skinned' girl. She told me about her life before marriage and the things she studied. My mum's sisters and brothers told me about all the mischief they got up to when they were little - the times they got into trouble. There are some things that they still don't feel comfortable talking about in front of their mother, even though its been years and years! Some of them stopped caring of their ego and admitted their weaknesses. I really felt like I connected to them.

And at the same time, I yearned to come back because I hated everything else. I hardly had freedom because of the lack of security. At home, I can leave home any time I want, go anywhere I want and come back at night if need be. I remember walking back home around 10 pm once because of some transport issues, and my parents were still not overtly worried. But in Bangladesh, the furthest I went without a chaperone was to a shop in the street that we stayed at. They got worried if I went up on to the roof for too long! And then there is the issue of corruption. Everyone is lying everywhere! Kids are lying to their parents, parents are lying to their kids - trust is absent from the place where trust is the most important - a family. And everyone expects everyone else to be distrustful, so they live very suspicious lives. That was far more suffocating than the pollution. 

Both of these factors led to one thing - my inability to create change. And there's only so long a person can watch things that need to be changed and stay quiet with the guilt. Eventually, you learn to shut everything out and turn into zombies like everyone else. Alhamdulillah - my current life makes me feel very lucky in that sense. I am doing things that has a direct positive effect on other people's lives, in the short term and in the long term. And a life lived in such a way is so much more fulfilling! 

So the best combination is, having nanu over here. And that's what I have now! I have intellectual conversations with her, talk about the past, talk about things she worries about, learn from each other. The thing that I love about nanu is that she really listens - she doesn't just hear things - she takes words to heart. So speaking good words to her is definitely worth it. Now, I love the little things she tells me to do. I love her stories, I love the way she scolds me. I love the way her skin crinkles, I love the way she laughs (she laughs a little like me... I was told my laughter is like my other grandma, but I am finding similarities with this one too. When any one of us laugh, our entire body shakes). I love the way she speaks. 

May Allah bless her forever. 

The past few days have been sleepless, friendless, breakless, me-time-less and some more. At the end of such a week, one needs a break - the right kind of way, especially when one knows that the coming weeks will be busier. So I cut a huge slice of cheesecake, threw that and some grapes in a bowl, changed into the most comfortable clothes I could find, snuggled up in my blanket with She's the Man. Its one of those things that remind you of old times. I remember when I watched it first - my sis and I went to S apu's house for a sleepover. I was very excited because she recently moved to Newcastle, and had a tiny studio apartment all to herself. We stayed up and watched this movie and had expensive ice cream out of its container. I was about fifteen years old, was trying to get over a difficult situation (or so I felt at that time) that most teens go through, and the 'break' really helped. So, I began to associate this movie with 'breaks' - when you need to kick those heels off and just be crazy by yourself - laugh, smile, aww at fictitious characters.

Feeling high

Wiggle's 'Hot Potato' has been stuck in my head the entire day today. I was youtube-ing some Wiggles songs (don't judge - I have my reasons!) this morning and learnt two - Big Red Car and Hot Potato. They're rather catchy. I have a long way to go though - I need to be up to date with all the latest songs and made up characters in children's minds. I never watched too much TV as a child and don't plan to expose mine to a whole lot. I recently started working with a little boy who has autism. He had behaviour therapy for two years, and he improved from being completely non-verbal to using full sentences. I only began working with him, but I need to keep with the program and make sure he is always saying something, or I am always saying something, or singing, or dancing, or tickling, or pretending, or playing with toys. This is sort of new to me, because I usually just talk to kids like adults, and I can't do that with him. I need to turn into those Playschool people. I had my first independent session with him today, and it was much better than I expected. He whined a little, but mostly listened to me. Internally I was jumping in joy even though I had to keep a straight face expect for when I was praising him. I really, really hope he stays nice! He's such a cute little boy that I feel really mean being mean to him when he doesn't listen - but I guess its a life skill that I must learn! :(

Alhamdulillah, right now, my life is comfortably busy. Yes, there are times when I feel like I have a thousand things that I need to get done and all I can think of is sleep. But there are a few things that keeps me going now:
- Visualising what's waiting for me in the Hereafter.
- Thinking about people in worse situations.
- Thinking about times in my life that wasn't like this and how unhappy I was.
- Making lists of WHY I do certain things and reading over them from time to time.

I bumped into Mrs. CP today. She is a very nice lady that lived in our old neighbour for many years, left for the USA and only returned in the middle of last year. She is a Christian missionary that has immense patience and a whole lot of smiles. Her level of ethics are very high and to my knowledge, she never imposes. She reminded me of the fact that you can learn a little (or a lot) from every person that you know, even if you don't take 'everything' from that person. What you have to learn to do is make educated decisions about which parts to internalise and which parts to leave out.

I discovered very cheap coffee a few days ago - $2 for a cup. The coffee is not disgusting, even though its usually slightly hotter than I'd like it to be - but that can be forgiven. Uni cappaccinos have gone up from $2.80 to $3 this year, mochas cost even more! Therefore, $2 a for a cup of mocha/cappa is awesome. I have to cut a lot of costs now that my payments have been reduced (ABA therapy pays two fifth what I used to get for tutoring per hour) and coffee is the first luxury to go. In this time of need, $2 a cup is an amazing discovery!

I realise this post was long overdue (if anyone stills reads me that is...). But when you are living a 'sort of a dream', would you rather close your eyes and live the lesser form of dreams?

...

My mum was asking me if I write poems any more. So, I took out my notebook of poetry/lyrics and flipped through to see if any of them are worthy of mentioning to her. Then I realised that the reason that I haven't been showing her any of my work is because they are mostly dark/depressing/confusing. Like this one (undated):

Neither here or there,

I'm half-way through the stairs;

Not on the ground -

Yet I can't touch the sky. 

I just want to be found;

Either laugh, or cry.

But all I feel right now is

Fear, confusion.

Alhamdulillah.. life is so much better now!! :)

Sleepy thoughts.. quite overdue

When I was little, I had mild (self-diagnosed) aquaphobia - I used to cry on boat rides, even in knee dip water. I remember constantly feeling like the boat would tip and I would drown. I'm not exactly sure when this left me, but, I remember enjoying boat rides at about 14 years of age. I would dip my toes in water and lie the deck, watching the sky as it passed me by. In terms of swimming - when I was 10, ma tried to teach me to swim in the traditional method - throwing me in the water and pretending to drown so that I would come and save her. All I remember from that particular experience is feeling a deep terror and crying on the shore of the pond at nanu's place. Then when we came to Sydney, I was forced to attempt to learn swimming through school sports until about year 7. I was glad to get out of those classes with any excuses I could get my hands on, and was very relieved when the year was finally over!

Recently, due to my new-found (more like lost and re-found, repeatedly) interest in my health, I researched into what my optimal exercise would be. A combination of cardio and strength training are best. Swimming seemed to have gotten the best comments in terms of cardio, so, over the next few months, I bought a swimming costume, found a cheap convenient pool and a friend who was willing to drive me there and teach me. After spending two hours, I finally learnt how to keep myself floating and flap all four limbs in a fairly correct way (although breathing was still a problem). On my second day, I swam about 3/4th of the way through the pool (alhamdulillah!!). So, I think I can finally say - I know how to swim!! Although I'm not entirely sure if the fear is completely gone. I still have to make sure I swim in the end aisle so that I can hold on to the sides any time I want to.

What made this last attempt to learn different from the previous ones is that it was completely out of my own will. This is important, because while it is impossible for our society to function if we all waited until we wanted to do something, our society will cease to function if we just did everything because someone is forcing us. The balance is usually acquired when one grows up (yes, we are babied enough to not strike a balance... even at 30). But from my studies, I found that its best if this is practised on children as well. Children need to be strictly disciplined, but they need to feel loved enough to want to do what their parents are hoping they do.

What I found while tutoring children is that the parents who are conscientious and organised enough to keep a track of their kids' school work, friends and other important details, raise disciplined kids who are armed with skills they need as an adult. But parents who treat their kids like adults (ie: letting them do whatever they want) usually see a negative effect. This is common sense, yes, but it was such a wake up call for me. It made me realise, yet again, how much of a hard work it is to be a mother. Just the other day, my mum was describing her ordeal of settling into Australia in her 40s, starting life all over again. I found myself thinking that if I was in her position, I would probably kick up my heels and flee! (I am hoping I never will be in the tough positions she was in, and that I never run away from my kids :P.)

One of my favourite people in the world (EE, who also happens to be the mother of five beautiful children, the youngest of whom is less than a week old; the eldest three are my students) said that she keeps going because she feels that if she does not give the rights that her kids deserve, she will be accountable for it. I found this to be quite a helpful insight, because, we always hear scholarly lectures about how we should treat our parents, but not many people reinforce the gravity of the parent's job. In fact, this point of view can be applied in every single relationship. If every person took care of the rights of others, no one would have to fight for their own rights. Unfortunately we don't live in Utopia. So, I guess we just have to make do with doing this ourselves - making sure we give others their rights - and try to raise awareness of it in the people around us.

Another thing that EE does is teach by being an exemplary role model herself, rather than just talk about it. I grew up in a family, school and community where I was constantly told that I should be a role model to others, but I guess, it was never explains how I should be so, because I never really picked the right ones. Of course no one person is perfect, so you have to pick bits and pieces out of everyone that you admire. But practising what you preach as well as the bits that you don't preach goes a long way in terms of making a point.

So yes... I shall bid farewell now because my eyes are dripping with sleep, its 12.12 AM, I need to get up early and I'm going to a picnic and a wedding tomorrow. Also, while I was typing (I think I was in the 2nd paragraph), blogger suddenly refreshed and started to look very different. I have witnessed a momentous change in history. :P 

Inconsistency

One would think that a psychologist would be able to solve all of her own problems, since that's what she gets paid for. Perhaps that would be the case when I actually become one (inshaallah!) although I'm not doing so now. However, I am able to identify problems and find a cause for the problem, most of the time. I am hoping that someday I will be able to take the next step and actually solve problems.

My latest realisation somehow relates to this post where I outlined the steps in the cycle of events in my life. I realised that when I do feel like life is getting better, it is due to external results. For example, tonight, I am feeling extremely satisfied with my life because a) I got paid, b) all the students I tutored today were very productive, c) The parents (i.e.: my employers!) were happy with me, d) I found some more prospects of work i.e.: opportunities to undergo a-c more frequently, e) I worked out a way to manage my money so that I can reach my short term spending goals as well long term saving goals, f) I had an amazing cup of coffee.

All of these are external results. If I didn't get paid, or if my students were feeling lazy, or if the coffee turned out to be disgusting, it is quite likely that my mood would not be the way it is now. This is pretty dangerous because this is the exact reason why people like me feel like they live the life of a sine curve. The ideal solution would be to detach our source of happiness from external results and attach it to something greater. Something that wouldn't run out - only then can we have the impetus to get up every single day and be productive and hopeful. This reminded of a video I watched a very long time ago.

The only problem is, keeping that impetus alive seems like an extremely hard task to me. I am the last person to be regular and consistent. I make very elaborate plans, yet, the plans go out the window after a few days. I realised that happens when I start to think one of two things: a) I'd never be able to achieve my end goal, or, b) What I've achieved is good enough, I can rest now. This is when I undergo stages 3, 4 and 5. I have never been able to be consistent in my life, so I have accepted it as a part of me now. So putting all of these together, it seems that my good feelings are attached to the goodness of this world, and my bad feelings are attached to the opposite.

Then I came across this verse the other day: "And of the people is he who worships Allah on an edge. If he is touched by good, he is reassured by it; but if he is struck my a trial, he turns on his face (to the other direction). He has lost (this) world and the Hereafter. That is what is the manifest loss." (22:11)

And this struck me. This sounds like someone who attaches their happiness or lack of to the external results of this world. Then I realised that this is exactly why I keep going round in circles. This is why my life is a cycle of events rather than a straight (or wavy) ascending line.

This is not to say that I have never implemented strategies for improvement and succeeded. There are several things that I have tried, for example, living for one day at a time, and have succeeded for a while (alhamdulillah). I have managed to instil certain values in myself that I admire in others. But there are some things that I keep failing in, and I keep climbing and falling, climbing and falling.

So I started to think about exactly what I can do to suit my lifestyle of irregularity as well as be a Muslim. After all, Islam is for every single person in the world. Every person has a different kind of test and has the potential to reach the highest level of Jannah. In this case, why would someone who is naturally routinised be better than me, someone who finds it hard to routinise herself, if we are all equals?

Usually, when I write something in this blog, I write it after I have come up with a solution that makes sense to me. In this case, I actually do not have any solutions that I have not tried before. I guess what I (and people like me) have to do is:
- Make lots of dua to have a balance to my life and days.
- Keep a few things regular - for example, spending a certain amount of time behind the Quran every day, without being too specific on the how of it.
- Constantly remind oneself that everything comes from Allah. So all the good that you have done would not be even thought of if Allah did not put the thought there. This humbles oneself and reduces the thoughts of a) 'I'm never going to be good enough' or b) 'I'm good enough already, so I can rest now'.
- Have a strong support system in which people who are supportive yet not overbearing.
Any other ideas?

Mother, mother of pearls, marriages :)

For about the past month, my siblings and I have lived in our huge house all by ourselves. Our parents, for the first time in their entire twenty eight years of marriage, went on a holiday, (mostly) purely for the sake of a holiday. They had a great time in Malaysia. When they called and asked what they should get for each of us, I said they should get something to do with memories. So, for me, they got a beautiful bracelet made of mother of pearls, an almost equally beautiful pair of sandals and some other clothes. I hate to be so mushy and materialistic, but they truly are beautiful! :')

They also went to Bangladesh. Some parts of myself regrets not going with them because I could have seen Nanu, a woman I have grown to love in the past few years. Her health is deteriorating soon, and I really don't know when I will get a chance to see her again. But some other parts of myself loved the space I got. Sometimes, you need a little bit of space from people to realise how important they are to you, how much you need and want them in your life and how you can never imagine really living without them. Even though they were in a different part of the world, they were only a phone call away, most of the time. And when they weren't, whenever I spent a few days not talk about them or with them, I felt like a part of me has gone missing. I think my parents have learnt a lot from this trip too. So, the past month (although it felt like a few months!) was worth it. :)

The two days before they came back, we went on a massive cleaning spree of the entire house, front garden to backyard. My arms felt like they would fall off, on both days, and it reminded me again of how unfit I am. But I found cleaning to be quite useful, especially for thinking about the huge questions of life (what am I doing with my life? Etc.) and for serving therapeutic purposes in calming the mind. :P But even then, there was a few things that I missed doing, such as wiping down the sofas, and of course it was clearly visible. *sigh*

Talking about housewife-ly duties seem like a good time to transition into the topic of weddings. On Friday night, I went to the reception of a friend, as a 'friend', rather than a family friend or family. So far, this is the only friend that has invited me to her wedding in such a way. To say I had a lot of fun would be an understatement - it was one of the few weddings that I REALLY enjoyed, every moment of it. So, after cleaning the whole day, I fell asleep for about two hours when I intended for much less, only to be woken up by a phone call from the people who were giving me a ride (I still haven't gotten my Ps even though I've aged and grayed). So, I fell out of bed and quickly found something that I can get dressed in in twenty minutes. Another call from that uncle told me that they would be a little late. I really wanted to wear a sari, but then I didn't know how much time I had. Big dilemma. :P Anyway, I ended up wearing a sari by myself (Sum, if you're reading this, this would probably make it the 30th time that you're having to hear it. Sorry. :P), making dua, the entire time, so that it actually looks okay. We ended up getting there after the entre, but before the program, so it turned out fine. When speeches started, we realised that the groom's side was extremely prepared with many funny stories and even a comic video (which had three bangla cinema songs and showed the stages from 'chasing' to 'bribing' to finally getting a yes). The bride's school friends did a very impromptu speech, and I was told, along with another 'random' friend of hers, to do a speech, but no time was specified. In the end, we ended up doing it just before the cake was cut. So, while I was talking, the juice glasses and knives were brought in, people were looking around and talking quite loudly, so yes, 'fail' speech. But it was fun. In the few seconds that I had, I mostly got to talk about how our friendship flourished on Facebook before we even met properly. I thought it was funny, but I'm not sure if everyone else thought so… So next time I start a wedding speech (if there is a next time), I am starting with 'every time I speak publicly, I am known to end up with a huge foot in my mouth…' so that people forgive me even if I do end up with a foot in my mouth. Again. :)

There is a really cute and cheeky toddler laughing away in her mother's arms, while she is held upside down. One of our apus recently had a baby boy, and from his photos, he seems to be the cutest new born baby boy alive. Babies have a way of cheering up the space around them, most of the time.

I have a list of emails to go through and a whole bunch of work to do. :( :( :(

13.01

Funny thing about words are that they can change everything for one person, even if the same ones mean nothing to another. Just the other day, I felt that my perception of reality became a little skewed, yet, I couldn't come out of that state. I was not strong enough to handle my perceptions on my own. Then I talked to B, and he made me feel okay, and within about an hour that we had together on the train, he completely changed my perceptions and made me feel very positive and upbeat about life. And so, I realised, even though I found it hard to talk to him heart-to-heart for a while, he would always be there for me. He is on that top level of people in my life, one of my closest, and rightfully so.

So yes, even if you know something in your heart, it always helps to have it reiterated and reassured by another. The best situation is when what you have in your heart complies with what the important people in your life are saying. Hence, like I said in my last huge post, its important to choose those important people carefully. Alhamdulillah, I have been trying to maintain that distinction in my life, and I can already feel the difference that it has made. That quote that a lot of people have on Facebook - "Truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - by Bob Marley - is indeed the truth. If you let the wrong people hurt you, you will be hurt for no worthwhile reason (unless you learn from your mistake).

Some other updates in my life:
- Summer school started!
- I got my new handset - HTC Sensation XE - a couple of days ago. My first smartphone, my first touch phone, and the umpteenth distraction. However, day by day, I am beginning to realise that I need to learn to manage my distractions myself. Right now, I am still getting used to typing on the touch pad. I feel like a grandma - I have caught people looking at me funny when I fumble with it in public transport. :(
- The newest TV show in my life is Scrubs. 

cute

A long time ago, I saved this photo from PostSecret. I found this again while sorting through my photos. I still think this is extremely cute. :)