washing away the empty space in between my ears

I feel like I finished my HSC. I don’t feel like touching another text book, or picking up a pen to do past papers, or feeling stressed over not knowing what to expect in an upcoming test. I just want to spend the rest of my days doing what I did today, and some more. I want to watch a movie with my parents knowing, without feeling any guilt. I want to put on a CD and cook and clean at my pace, without constantly getting reminded that the only reason I am doing so is that it will help me concentrate better. I want to earn and spend like there is no tomorrow. Then sleep for a week.





Well that’s the aftermath of finishing trials – for which I studied so much less and stressed so much more than I expected to. I thought this year would be the making of me – the year I actually get into a healthy diet and exercise routine, lose weight, study consistently and basically learn to glide through life. Instead, it’s turning out to be one of the worst years – both emotionally and physically. Now I started to hate studying so much that even sorting through notes feel overwhelmingly difficult. I would like to think my brain isn’t deteriorating neither was it always non-existent, but that seems like the most plausible explanation for my lack of knowledge. Like, Right after my chemistry test, I was asked a question about the difference between a surfactant and an emulsifier, and I couldn’t answer correctly. Worst of all, I studied a bit of chemistry over the holidays and I thought I knew my concepts. So, in my head, I keep thinking I know stuff when in reality I clearly don’t. See what I mean?


I hate, absolutely loath studying for tests. I can’t handle stress. Another reason why I shouldn’t be a doctor. Or maybe another why I should be – so that I can learn to handle it. I think I still want to be a doctor, but I am feeling increasingly uncertain about it. I don’t know. The future seems so mysterious right now. I feel completely blind to anything beyond the Christmas holidays.


Talking about Christmas holidays – my extensive plan to enjoy it is getting more and more detailed every day. Among other lists, I have a list of ‘books to read’, ‘movies to watch’ as well as ‘ways to make money’ hidden somewhere, possibly between two economics texts books, which explains why I felt more sure about my holidays than the test next day the day before the economics exam. I am already making $4 every week, starting from last week. Its quite a downgrade from $50 for spending a similar amount of time working, but I feel so much better to get some sort of financial independence. At least I can pay Yara back for my pawpaw ointment with my own money!





Since I refuse to do anything that 18-year-olds are allowed to do, including drinking, gambling, drinking and gambling, buying spray paint and/or cigarettes and getting married without parents consent, and since I haven’t learnt to drive yet, I don’t really have much choice of entertainment in the outside world. So I decided to stay in and watch 3 movies – ‘All the Real Girls’, ‘Suddenly 30’ and ‘Notting Hill’. ‘Suddenly 30’ was a disappointment; I can’t believe I could only borrow four movies from the library and I borrowed that! I can’t even remember why I wanted to watch that it the first place! The only good thing about that movie was that the guy was cute in a dorky sort of way. Thankfully, the other two didn’t bring about so much regret. In fact, ‘All the Real Girls’ is probably one of the best movies I’ve ever seen. Its one of those unconventional romantic films. Its set in North Carolina, one of the few places in America that I want to visit. The first time I read about NC was in Nicholas Spark’s books, possibly ‘Message in a Bottle’. The ocean seems like a beautiful place from there. Its about the way a guy changes for a girl who is really innocent compared to him, and whose brother is his best friend and extremely protective. All the families are troubled with different things, like the guy’s mother is single who works as a clown in a hospital and hates it and the girl’s little brother is mentally disabled. Then the girl goes away to a party one weekend and completely changes, and the guy becomes really angry. (I feel really stupid calling them ‘guy’ and ‘girl’, so I’ll just stop describing the movie. It’s good enough to watch.)
The theme song is 'Say Goodbye Good', which I liked when I was watching the movie. So I looked up the lyrics, and it doesn't make much sense to me.

Say good bye good - hey hey hey
we might not be fooling around today
if we go all the way - hey hey hey
all there is after us is the songs that we play
say good bye good - hey hey hey
all we've got is right now
if you're not going my way
my eyes are listening - hey hey hey
we might not mean anything that we'ld say
no no way, no way, we might not be fooling around today, no way, no way
trees have caught fire when your eyes lit up
the season's changed and the movie has stopped
frontlights are out, the curtains are drawn.
Now I was before our first days are gone
at the end of the song. so long.
we might not know what we've done so long - no no way
we might not be fooling around today.

‘Notting Hill’ was ok. Funny, as Hugh Grant always is. Cute, as Hugh Grant always is. And I loved the family. I haven’t finished watching it yet, but I think the ending would be quite predictable. It’s a boy meets girl type film, what else can you expect?

And then I learnt a better way to serve my cake – which I dubbed ‘Moon Cake’ (due to its extremely uneven surface, but heavenly taste!) - and fed it to three people in my family that way. And I cleaned the whole house listening to Anjan Datta’s CD – old songs I dug up and loved. He is similar to Kimya Dawson, Shahana Bajpai and Dawud Wharnsby Ali; his voice and words speak so much truth, especially his creative, random yet carefully chosen words.





Ramadan most probably starts on Saturday. I have been looking forward to this month so much, since I really feel like a bit of cleaning might stop me from having a spiritual heart attack. This year has been so full of internal emotional turmoil that I think it stuffed my system up. It’s amazing how we are given so many chances to rectify and redeem ourselves, and we mostly miss them. Baba was talking about galaxies last night. He said that there are 200 million galaxies that have been discovered. The smallest galaxy has 10 million stars, the largest has 1 trillion. Our galaxy – Milky Way is a pretty small one. Among the millions, the Sun is one small star. And around the sun, among all the other 8+ planets, Earth is a pretty small one too. And Australia is on one side of the world (according to English snobs), and Sydney is a little place on the edge of Australia. And I am an insignificant being in Sydney. Yet, I am given chances over and over again. Why do I keep missing them?


I am such a hopelessly hopeful loser!


p.s: I am quite curious (and excited for that matter, since I thought my world revolves around Sydney and Dhaka) to know who my Chicago, Illanois reader is! Who are you?