I just found something I wrote about a year ago, when I was trying to reconcile my anger against injustices of the world, and trying to be okay inside.
"You are wasting your time in unhappiness. Just be happy, find peace within yourself. There's a difference between being happy and getting everything you want. There is also a difference between feeling peace inside you in happiness, and feeling angry due to injustice to others. Peace comes when you let go of the injustices you feel against your own self in order to attain something greater. So, you don't need to get everything you want. You don't need to let go of fighting against injustice in the world. You just need to find that fine line called balance. "
I'm not sure whether I had that balance a year ago, or whether I was struggling to get it. I don't know whether I ever had that balance for more than a few days. And, I realised, at this point, I don't know how to gain and sustain it (did I ever know?). It must be possible, somehow, I just don't know how yet.
I'm not sure if other people (who read this blog) feel this way, but recently, I have been unable to control how I feel. I start to feel sad in the middle of doing something absolutely ordinary, or angry at a person who does not deserve it at all. I am not the first person to feel like this, obviously. However, the problem is, I am not entirely sure about why this is happening. To fix any problem, the first thing we need to do is figure out the main reason behind it. But, I've thought of a few possibilities:
- My excessive caffeine intake (This was funny at one point, but I think the balanced tipped to the other side in the last few days, when I found myself consuming four cups of coffee for a few days).
- Babies, babies everywhere. I have a nephew now! So, I currently live with two tiny human beings. That must've done something to my emotional system, right?
- I keep coming across things that make me lose hope in the world. People losing faith, psychopaths going on killing sprees, our complicated political system which is trapping us into thinking that we're doing just fine living our life like zombies.
- I've lost career directions again.
As someone who studies psychology, I know that any random person cannot diagnose someone else to have a psychological disorder. I also know that each of us can exhibit certain symptoms of certain disorders, but it does not mean that we have it/them. It just means that we have to target the specific symptom and come up with a plan to fix it up. If it doesn't go away with regulating sleep, food and a healthy amount of interactions with friends and family, that is when one should seek professional advice.
I had a really good conversation with SS a few days ago (don't we always? :P). We were talking about religion, politics, the future, how the world will be and how will be. It's amazing that we could sustain such a long and engaging conversation about such a topic when our faiths, the very basis of that conversation, are completely different. I think its because we were open to really listening to each others' opinions. And, it didn't matter whether we agreed with each other. None of us were trying to make the other person believe exactly what we believe. We just wanted the other person to see our point of view, and I think we achieved that (either that, or SS is really good at pretending that she sees it!). We were talking about how, possibly in our lifetime, Islam might rise as a power in the Middle East, and the pros and cons of that. The fact that a lot of average people on this side of the world fear that outcome because they don't understand the implications, and the political realities. We were also talking about how, getting too caught up in the politics of the world, we can lose our human sides of knowing each other as 'people'. But, that we also need the politics. That my basis for understanding the world is Islam, and part of the world is the relationship that we have with our ownselves, with God, with other people. Part of the relationship that we have with other people is the social structure. So, to me, it makes perfect sense that Islam has a political structure.
I wonder who actually still reads my scattered thoughts. Leave a comment if you've read this. :)