Tonight

It felt like a punch to my stomach and I know exactly why. It was a reminder that this world is nothing but a test and no one will stand by anyone else on the day of judgement. It was a reminder to really look within myself and remember who I am, what defines me. My self-worth is not defined by anyone else, nor can I judge anyone and feel like I will never be in their position. I guess it almost made me feel like myself again. I have been in a daze of happiness, but this world is never meant to truly fulfil. I need to be grateful for all my blessings, but not surprised when a test comes my way.

Writing has always helped me to ease pain, and this pain too is eased a little already. I need to look back at this when I don't feel like this again and remember.

Ignorance is bliss, but knowledge is a cautionary tale. Lack of honesty means lack of sincerity. Its like that termite patch the pest control guy found at my parents' house. I guess the difference between forgiveness and putting up with abuse is the result. Only Allah has the capacity and the ability to forgive over and over and over again. Humans are limited. You need to let the hurt heal to truly forgive, and being hurt in the same place over and over again doesn't allow it to heal. 

Quick thoughts

I'm alone. I can't remember when I was alone for more than a couple of minutes last (including toilet trips). I am really enjoying the feel of the mattress on my back and the fan on my hair. My kids are downstairs with their dad and his family, and I decided to take this alone time and let them watch TV with the adults. Bad decision? Probably... but I can't be bothered with effort right now. Which makes me wonder whether I can actually homeschool like I planned to, for the first 3 years of my kids' schooling. I am a very inconsistent person. I have lots of ideas that I would like to execute, and I do start to execute them, but I stop after the first few hurdles. Which makes me worry about how I will parent my girls. 

Mothering two

I love this space. I have been expressing myself over here for nearly fifteen years and it has proven to be quite therapeutic. I go back and read some blogs that I have written in the past, and hopefully I will be able to as well when my children are teenagers, so that I can remember what it was like to be one. Struggles are so easily forgotten once they are over and it becomes a test in itself to relate to someone who is going through something that you have overcome a long time ago. Just two days ago I met a mother who was recounting her struggle of weaning her daughter - she remembers it so clearly even though I weaned little M much later. I couldn't remember how much M cried, how many days I kept my turtleneck on and the exact process that I went through. All I remembered in the beginning is that I made dua so that she weaned, and it was quite easy.

I remembered later that I walked around in the middle of the night, holding my nearly two year old, while being three months pregnant, crying because I couldn't be strong enough to wean but my sensations were too crazy for me to continue breastfeeding. I remembered later that I woke up on a weekend day, at my mum's house, and realised that its been twenty four hours since I last breastfed my daughter, and that that feed was the last.

So I really want to recount my life as it is now - my struggles, my gifts. Its hard to find the time and the energy now, but I need to do this.

Right now, I am sipping on a cup of instant coffee while I occasionally rock baby A on my legs. She has been a little fussy in the last day or two, possibly because of the leap she's going through. M is watching TV upstairs with a bottle of milk. These days the only things I tend to write (type.. its almost as if I have forgotten to write by hand!) are to do lists and whatsapp messages. SO here's my to do list to be completed in the next hour:
- Finish writing this blog
- Load the dishwasher
- Get clothes ready for tonight (we have a wedding to go to)
- Clean room
- Pack some stuff into the car for tomorrow

And if I have time: Bathe A. Around 3 PM I need to leave the house for about an hour. I can come back and bathe A if need be. But she needs to be bathed. This little one throws up at least once a day and she has such luscious hair (mA) that all of the bits get stuck in her hair. Pretty gross.

I like spending time with M - she is into made up stories now, which is really fun. Her favourite game right now is that I pretend to sleep and she rings the bell "ding dong!" - then I pretend to wake up in a flurry and ask who's there. Sometimes its herself, sometimes she pretends to be someone else and laughs so much at the thought of it! The last few times she was pretending that I'm her cousin and she really had a lot of fun thinking how silly it was. She pretends that there are other people around, or that she's doing something else even though she might be eating at that time, or that she's a lion or a rabbit. Then she cracks up laughing. Its quite fun being around a two and a half year old.

But then it stops being fun when she wants to play that game over and over and over again. I feel a bit guilty when I want to just immerse myself in my phone or on netflix, but I still do, and I just turn the TV on for her, which I thought I wouldn't do... before I became a parent.

I have been having two cups of coffees lately because one just does not cut it. No nap during the day and broken sleep at night, while also trying to be a smiling parent to two kids - was it ever easy to anyone? Or did women just accept that this is how life is and just moved on? I guess its good that she sees that I'm not constantly doting over her, she will need to learn the skill of finding solace in solitude. Inshaallah when A is a little bit older they can play together and time will go a little faster for her. Time is going fast for me, but also slow. The hours are slow, but the days are fast. Baby A is already almost 2 months old!

From tomorrow onwards, I will be between two houses again. We travel for about three months in the year, and the rest of the time is divided between two houses for me. So I am always on the move. It is how it is. This world is not truly a home at all, and this constant move is a good reminder of that.

Should I start to document my daily struggles and excitements again? I hope I will find a little bit of time to do so at least. This will be something nice to look back onto when the kids fly off and leave an empty nest behind. 

Unfinished draft from a few days post birth

I heard a song yesterday that made me cry. It was written by a midwifery student after seeing her first birth - it came up on one of my facebook groups and just listening to it took me back to last Sunday.

Oh baby I know this is not what we planned
Now it’s all just a blur but I’m still the command
So I’m keeping my promise, I’ll do all that I can
To keep you safe

Now there’s needles and wires, that monitor’s blaring
This room’s full of strangers and everyone’s staring
But I’m focused on you and it keeps me from caring
I am here in this now, you’re my own, I’m not sharing

I move
I move through the waves
Through these rushes I sway
Within myself I arrive
I roar
Roar so loudly I shake
In this power I quake
My breath breathing down this life

I am one with my sisters this strength old as time
And I’m nearing the peak of this mountain I climb
In this claiming of wisdom I am deep in my mind
In this dance with the cosmos, I court the divine

And I move,
I move through the waves
Through these rushes I sway
Within myself I arrive
I roar
Roar so loudly I shake
In my power I quake
My breath breathing down this life

I can’t do this, cant do this, I can’t I can’t do this
Oh I changed my mind, yeah I don’t want to do this
I’m sorry my baby, I give up, I won’t do this
Oh I want to go back, I am done, I can’t do this

Ohhhh

I did it, I did it, Oh baby, we did this
Oh I am so strong, can’t believe that I did this
My baby you’re here now, you’re perfect, we did this
Did you see that, did you see me, I did it, I did it

I moved, I moved through the waves
Through those rushes I swayed
Within myself I arrived
And I roared
Roared so loudly I’d shake
In my power I quake
My breath
It brought you life

---

Last Sunday, I woke up feeling like I couldn't do this anymore, even though I had more than a week left before Baby A was supposed to enter the world. I told B that I felt the urge to go for a long walk and induce this baby, I felt the need to walk for as long as I could until my contractions started. So, after breakfast, we cleaned out our entire room, B washed the bathroom and the veranda and I put out a load of washing and put in another one in the wash. I got M ready and she was very excited for the walk! But then when I went to get dressed to go outside, I noticed blood and it freaked me out. I realised I haven't felt the baby move at all that day. 

We called the hospital, took some dates with us and left, leaving M with her grandparents. Since getting pregnant again, I have been feeling increasingly grateful to be living with family. It allowed me to get some rest while M played downstairs, or go out for an appointment without worrying about childcare.