Unfinished draft from a few days post birth

I heard a song yesterday that made me cry. It was written by a midwifery student after seeing her first birth - it came up on one of my facebook groups and just listening to it took me back to last Sunday.

Oh baby I know this is not what we planned
Now it’s all just a blur but I’m still the command
So I’m keeping my promise, I’ll do all that I can
To keep you safe

Now there’s needles and wires, that monitor’s blaring
This room’s full of strangers and everyone’s staring
But I’m focused on you and it keeps me from caring
I am here in this now, you’re my own, I’m not sharing

I move
I move through the waves
Through these rushes I sway
Within myself I arrive
I roar
Roar so loudly I shake
In this power I quake
My breath breathing down this life

I am one with my sisters this strength old as time
And I’m nearing the peak of this mountain I climb
In this claiming of wisdom I am deep in my mind
In this dance with the cosmos, I court the divine

And I move,
I move through the waves
Through these rushes I sway
Within myself I arrive
I roar
Roar so loudly I shake
In my power I quake
My breath breathing down this life

I can’t do this, cant do this, I can’t I can’t do this
Oh I changed my mind, yeah I don’t want to do this
I’m sorry my baby, I give up, I won’t do this
Oh I want to go back, I am done, I can’t do this

Ohhhh

I did it, I did it, Oh baby, we did this
Oh I am so strong, can’t believe that I did this
My baby you’re here now, you’re perfect, we did this
Did you see that, did you see me, I did it, I did it

I moved, I moved through the waves
Through those rushes I swayed
Within myself I arrived
And I roared
Roared so loudly I’d shake
In my power I quake
My breath
It brought you life

---

Last Sunday, I woke up feeling like I couldn't do this anymore, even though I had more than a week left before Baby A was supposed to enter the world. I told B that I felt the urge to go for a long walk and induce this baby, I felt the need to walk for as long as I could until my contractions started. So, after breakfast, we cleaned out our entire room, B washed the bathroom and the veranda and I put out a load of washing and put in another one in the wash. I got M ready and she was very excited for the walk! But then when I went to get dressed to go outside, I noticed blood and it freaked me out. I realised I haven't felt the baby move at all that day. 

We called the hospital, took some dates with us and left, leaving M with her grandparents. Since getting pregnant again, I have been feeling increasingly grateful to be living with family. It allowed me to get some rest while M played downstairs, or go out for an appointment without worrying about childcare.