Wet eyelashes, a shivering heart

The fifth day of Ramadan is turning out to be as beautiful as the rest of the days. I don't know what it is, but as soon as the first night began, I felt a strange sense of peace. I felt this sudden hope that everything will be okay, again. I have this month, this chance that God has given me yet again, to become a better person. I felt the heavy guilt of stooping to my lowest, of hurting others beyond imagination, of experiencing things I promised myself I would not try ever again. Yet, since that night, I felt hopeful again. God is the Most Merciful, and His mercy exceeds His wrath. I must remember this. I came across a beautiful Hadith today - In it, the prophet showed us what we can say if we have suicidal thoughts. He said: "Let none of you wish for death on account of an affliction that befalls him. If he has no alternative, let him pray: O Allah! Give my life so long as this life is good for me, and take away my life if death is good for me." SubhanAllah! I was staring down from the second floor only about a week ago and wondering if this is worth it. Allah showed me that it is.

I have so many things that I can thank Him for. For my beautiful friend - FG, whose email made me smile and gave me the first ray of hope again. May God bless you and make you more amazing than you already are. May He make your problems easy for you. For the strongest woman I have ever seen - my mother. Only about two days ago, I was reading a diary that she kept when my siblings were little. Her perception amazed me! She did creative and innovative things to teach them love and respect. The things that they would say reflected that. They were the most important things in her life and it seemed like she would do anything for them! She is still like that. She has so many things to worry about and I wish I was not one of them. I wish I could make her smile more. I remember, once, she told us she had never seen any soft minded girls like my sister and I. It brought tears to my eyes, to think that she loves us so much to think that. Her strength makes us forget the softness that lies within her, but I pray that I will remember it more frequently. 

Its was raining a while ago. The mountains are bluer than usual, the sky is patterned with different shades of whites, greys and pale blues. The streets are wet, yet, glistening in the sun. A slight breeze is swaying the branches, slowly. Their leaves softly swinging back and forth. Life is beautiful again, alhamdulillah.

Certain people in my life have come and gone and returned and gone, only to repeat the pattern over and over again. People who I have hurt, or people who have hurt me. For those who have hurt me - I am really trying to forgive you, but its not easy. For others - it feels like I am stuck in a stalemate. I can't do anything at all until I am forgiven. I can't do anything to be forgiven except to silently pray. I am not the best of Muslims, in fact, I am probably not a very good one. The word 'Islam' has two meanings - peace, and submission. To be a Muslim, is to attain peace by submitting to God. If you are a Muslim, God's wishes are your first priority. For me - I get into these high faithed periods in which I truly believe in God. I truly believe that I have to return to Him, that I am accountable for every single action. I am accountable for every person I hurt, every time I hurt them. Then, my actions reflect that. Sometimes,  I just throw everything in air and give up. It feels like I am a bad enough person already and it does not matter if I hurt a thousand people to get what I want.  During those moments, I lose my perceptions. I can't see beyond my desires. This keeps happening over and over again. I was thinking about why it happens for quite a while, and then it hit me, today. It happens every time I feel betrayed by someone. NC told me that she never would have thought that I have rebelled a few times in the past, to quite and extreme. I think its because, being the youngest, as a young teen, I never felt like people trusted me or expected me to be responsible. Yes, people kept reminding me of how irresponsible I am, how I can never get anywhere, how I cannot be trusted with any responsibilities; but no one (except my sister, my all-time childhood counselor) told me that I can actually do some things and that I can be responsible. Its only when you are treated like an adult that you feel like an adult.

Its only when people tell you that you are good enough that you feel good enough, especially if you are in your childhood or early teen years, when your heart feels vulnerable to everything. LJM is reminding me of that every time I think about her. She is such a beautiful girl, yet, some horrible people made her believe she's not. Her family is falling apart and she seems to be the only one who has some sort of an idea about the consequences. I can't remember if she's twelve or thirteen. RA reminds me of that too. She is the youngest in her family, yet she seems to be the wisest. Yet, her heart is vulnerable too and at times, she needs reminders that she is amazing, too. 

Last week, a very close friend refused to share some information with me. I felt like she doesn't trust me, in either if I can keep a secret, or solve a problem, or she was afraid I would increase the problem. This all happened subconsciously and it led me to do things that are completely unrelated, irrelevant, yet, very harmful. I did not think that she could have had other reasons. Maybe she did not want to worry me (which is what I have done to another very close friend many, many times!)? Maybe she thought that she could fix the problem herself because it was very insignificant? Maybe she felt like she needs to solve her own problems? Whatever it is - it does not necessarily reflect what she felt about me. But shaitan came between us and made me feel like that about her. And he made me do stupid things, only days before ramadan started. Alhamdulillah, I think she is an amazing person (again) and I hope I will remember this the next time a misunderstanding happens between us. 

I hope, the negative impacts I have on people are not seen as an effect of Islam. As I said, I am far from being a true Muslim most of the time. A Muslim is a responsible human being who is sensitive to other people's needs, the society's needs and wants, and God's commands. A Muslim is aware of the blessings she has. A Muslim is someone who tries to be a little bit of a better person with every step.

The following hadith is here to make me strong the next time I come and read this. No one has the power to guide, except God, no matter how much we cry. No one has the power to change hearts except Him. So, all I can do is pray for a change of heart, I can't change anything myself. 

In the Sahih, Ibn Al-Musaiyab has reported from his father:

When death approached Abu Talib, Allah's Messenger (May the peace and blessing of Allah be upon him) came to him and found `Abdullah bin Abi Umaiyah and Abu Jahl in his company. The Prophet said, "O uncle, say: 'There is no true god except Allah', a word which will enable me to plead for you with Him." The two of them said, "Would you forsake the religion of (your father) 'Abdul  Muttalib?" The Prophet repeated (the request) and the two of them also repeated (their question). The final word of Abu Talib was about being on the religion of' Abdul-Muttalib and he refused to say: La ilaha ilIa-Allah. The Prophet (May the peace and blessing of Allah be upon him) said, "But I shall continue to pray for your forgiveness as long as I am not prohibited to do so." It was then that Allah the Almighty revealed the verse: "It is not (proper) for the Prophet and those who believe, to ask Allah's forgiveness for theMushrikin even though they be of kin." (9:113)

"Verily, you (O Muhammad) guide not whom you like, but Allah guides whom He wills. And He knows best those who are the guided ones." (28:56)