Nonsensical poetry

This is something silly that I came up with a couple of days ago. I wrote without thinking about what I wrote, or without editing.

Poetry is words that fall off my tongue
Not the words that should be sung
in joy and peace
Rather words that have no other place to go
Words that are used to hearing no.
Poetry is pain from my heart
Not the ones that are turned into art
with colours running everywhere
ending with love and care.
Poetry is blood on my hands
They will never understand
The way maps are drawn with those words
Poetry is sharp like a sword
Poetry is blunt like a knife
And hard like your life
And high like the sky
And free like the tears that you cry.

In other news - my last ever undergrad exam inshaallah is this Thursday! and Ramadan starts this Thursday (give or take a moon)! Masters starts in about 2 weeks!

Its raining now.

Adulthood

I don't like the distinction between an adult and a child, in the way that our society outlines it. When you are an adult, you are supposed to lose the light in your eyes because you see the world more clearly, supposedly. You are supposed to know that money is what makes the world go around and you are not supposed to trust people easily. You are supposed to do a balancing act between your job, family, social life and everything in between, but to 'other' people, you are supposed to seem happy and alright most of the time, if not all the time. Not having some of these is a sign of immaturity. But I hate that concept! 

Reflections

Its important to speak to people in their language. You can be speaking the same language, but essentially, be speaking completely differently, which in fact, is almost as if you're speaking a different language. We did a case study about this once - an Aboriginal woman who was raped was not given her rights by court because she didn't speak the way they did, even though, both parties were speaking in English. She didn't have the same mannerisms, didn't use certain words in certain contexts, etcetera. I think I am beginning to understand that lately. When you speak to someone, you need to observe the way they speak, first, before you speak, in order to increase the chances of them understanding you completely. There are a lot of people in my life right now that I don't know how to do that with, yet. But our whole life is one big learning process, isn't it.

Its also important to recognise the difference between listening to advice and taking it. Everyone has a different situation that they are dealing with, and everyone is at different points in their life. Its important to recognise that some people have gotten bitter through experience, and they will give advice out of their own bitterness. But, yes, life can be bitter sometimes, and sometimes a bit sour, but life can be sweet too. We need to be thankful for the sweet times and be patient through the rest, and be grateful to Allah for His infinite wisdom for laying life out the way it is.

Sometimes, its hard to hear nature above all the clutters of the world. But we have a secret sound within us that we often miss - the sound of breathing. Its the sound that tells us we're living, and it almost sounds like the ocean inside a spiral shell. Sometimes, we just need to stop and hear ourselves breathe.

The mundanes - 2

I think I'm coming down with a flu. I have been coughing those phlegm-y coughs for the past few weeks, but it wasn't until last night that I felt like my entire head and nose area had been blocked off. I thought I was going to die last night, which was pretty scary, because when you think you are going to die, you start to take an account of all the things you've done in your life, and feel unprepared.

But, alhamdulillah, I did wake up this morning. We don't really have anything on today except for a dinner at night, so my plan was to make breakfast, wash some clothes, make tea for myself and immerse myself in stats for the rest of the day. This is the only subject that I'm doing this semester, and this is my 2nd time doing this one, so I really, really, really want to do well. The rotis that I attempted to make turned out terribly (they were fine with it, of course, they're awesome people!) and my tea ended up being cold and runny. Clothes are drying well though.

I started reading my stats notes and realised that nothing is going in and I keep having to use tissues and I began to feel like my eyes are heating up and body is heating up but also feeling too cold. Got another cup of tea with lemon, ginger, honey and all, called my mum and sorted through my notes. Mr H wants to go shopping for a few things he needs but I don't think I can get up at all.

One thing I realised recently - my in laws and my parents are very different in nature. The secret of being happy is to nurture people's nature, and not oppose it. My problem is that I tend to become like the people I am around, which is hard when you have different kinds of people around, because then your mind becomes confused as to which one you should become like. But I think its an advantage for people like me - it forces us to shape our own selves ourselves. 

The good things in life

I'm quite liking my life right now. On Mondays, I teach scripture at a local primary school, tutor and mentor a high school kid and have fiqh classes at night. On Tuesdays, I come to uni for the whole day for two hours of class and a few more hours of working on assignments and extra questions, sometimes catching up with my sister for lunch or so. On Wednesdays, its scripture again at a different primary school. One or two nights a week, I stay with my parents. Every second Friday, I teach 3-4 young kids about Islam while their parents attend their own night lessons. Sundays are busy with teaching and learning as well. I'm tired most nights and cherish the little bit of time that I have to curl up with a book and some chocolate. I cherish my family so much more now that I am away from them, and I try to make sure that I give them quality time when I am over there. I can feel Allah's blessings on me right now, and hope that I can be grateful for it. I remember, for about 8 months or so last year, I did nothing productive regularly and I kept feeling like the least useful person around. It made me realise that it is a blessing to be useful to someone and to be busy doing meaningful things. And that is only possible if one is given the opportunity to, so its something that we should be grateful for.

What I love more, is that Mr H is being quite productive with his life too. We enjoy learning together, and teaching together, now. He encourages me to be better to my family and I hope I do the same. I was supposed to go to Baba's work for something, yesterday. Mr H suggested that I have a coffee with him before my errands, he said that Baba would love it. I felt a bit weird doing it at first, because Baba and I have very similar personalities - slightly awkward around most people, even family, and both of us like our own space and company. Both of us are quite good at teaching, or doing anything that requires talking 'at' a group of people, but we can get quite awkward when its 1-1 interaction in something like a coffee setting, no matter who it is. But, I know that Baba is more awkward than I am, which is why its easier for me to talk to him (lol). Anyway so, I didn't end up going early enough for a coffee, even though I really wanted to, so I made a mental note to do so the next time I need to go into his work.

This morning, I walked straight to the food court after reaching uni, desperately needing a coffee to stay awake - and I see Baba sitting at the food court! My dad - with all his white hair and glasses and that smile - was drinking tea and eating hot chips at the last place I thought I'd see him. He came for an excursion with his students (which he forgot to tell me - another trait I share with him). So, I got to have that coffee date with my father that I wanted to have the day before. And I talked away like I used to when he used to pick me up from school - I talked about my uni work, the burnt chicken and spilt tea from the day before and everything in between. The awesome thing is, I wouldn't do this if Mr H did not suggest it in the first place. 

The mundanes

This morning I woke up, prayed, lazed around a little bit, dreamt about a zombie apocalypse, forgot to iron Mr H's shirt, showered, cleaned room (which took so-o-o long!), stuffed a lot of things in my bag, got dropped off by Mr H's mum to the station, changed some plans, caught the train, met a girl I haven't seen for ages on the train, got a $35 coupon for some health store for free at the station, played 2048 on the bus, got a coffee and came to the library.   

I just took a sip from my small cappuccino with one sugar, bought from the library lawn coffee cart. And nostalgia rushed over me - that feeling of walking in with a coffee cup to study physiology, or that group study for multiple choice final exam for first year psych, the heart racing times from neuroscience and the calming feeling of sorting through thoughts at the library. I love how we associate particular bits of senses with particular memories. The feeling that comes with this paper cup filled with cappuccino is quite comforting.

The other interesting thing I've noticed about this is that the memories that I have before marriage are associated with very different things from memories post-marriage. So, all my crushes meld into one, while Mr H is always different. All my insecurities are on one side and the feeling of security is on the other. Comfort of loneliness is separate from the comfort of being one half of a whole.

Something happened today which made me appreciate the saying that Allah's plans are better than ours. I planned out this whole week early last week, and I thought everything will go according to plan, keeping everyone happy, balancing well, and basically - living the nice, balanced life that I dream of having. But it was a good reminder to myself that nothing will ever go according to our plans if Allah does not will it. Its a good slap in the face for the ego, which seems to think it knows best.

"And never say of anything, 'Indeed, I will do that tomorrow,' except [when adding], “If Allah wills.” And remember your Lord when you forget [it] and say, “Perhaps my Lord will guide me to what is nearer than this to right conduct.” (Quran: Chapter 18, verse 23-24). 

Things I didn't appreciate about my parents while growing up

But should have.

1. They made us think we were poor and we have to answer for every dollar we spent and every resource we use. The concept of not wasting resources is now etched in our minds.

2. They consistently did some things every single day, like praying properly, reading Quran everyday.

3. Our family time was not TV time - it was when we sat together talking about God and our issues with life, once a week.

4. We always had to have dinner together, no matter who was busy doing what. And you could not go to bed without dinner.

How I feel right now

Journeys and belonging, and all that shiz

We went on a coffee date today. He said he notices my face more now. Then I went to a bookshop and picked out two books and asked him whether I can have them as a (very early) birthday present and he said yes. I am trying to return to my state of no (or, low) expectations and learning to appreciate everything and it feels excellent. The trouble with me is, I naturally expect everyone else around me or everyone close to me to be on the same page or at least on board with whatever I am doing. The result is that I either push people away or be disappointed. But that is a terribly unhealthy place to be at. I need to accept that I might be at a different place to everyone else, and I inevitably will be, and I just need to go on with life the way I feel is best. Life is short and no one else will be there with me when I die. Why wait on others?

I got my hen's party scrapbook the other day from NC. I'm pretty sure I've talked about Miffy before - she is an amazing person that I look up to a lot. She doesn't wait on others to get things done or get her off her backside, when she wants to do something, she does it. She didn't go through university and she doesn't let it bother her or interrupt her from advancing through her projects, which is pretty unusual for a girl from a sub-continental background, amongst whom the idea that 'secular studies = success' is ingrained. She has a project called Muslim Life Hackers, which has about 5000 likes on Facebook. So, Miffy said that she was inspired to start because her and I were talking about this blog of mine a long time ago, and when she asked me whether I felt any inhibition putting myself out there on here, running the risk of my personal stuff being read by people from my professional life, apparently I said, "who cares?". To know that those two words inspired her, inspires me. I have become a lot more inhibited lately and I plan to come out of it soon.

I guess the inhibition comes from being in a new kind of environment where everyone else is pretty much inhibited, i.e: being in the adult world. I don't like the terms 'adult' and 'child' separating two worlds though. Why can't I be uninhibited, innocent and creative while moving through the different stages of my life? Why do I have to "grow up" the way society wants me to, and enter my grave in a state of dissatisfaction? Also, how do I know that I will die at eighty or so? What if I die tomorrow? What good would being inhibited do me? Nothing.

I love that Mr. H is supporting me in this journey to become more of the better parts of who I used to be. But, even if he stops at any point, I should still keep going. We are all individuals.

Domesticity

I wrote a few lines of poetry after a very long time, yesterday. I almost forgot that I used to write. I almost can't remember what it was like to not let real life get in the way of myself (not that this is a good thing, but its usually the more attractive option). I was inspired by a friend who also writes.

Cut through me, all the way to my essence.
Spoon out some love from its jar,
Compassion and passion
Pour them into the hole you made.
Do not alarm yourself if a couple of tears and
A few drops of blood and sweat
Drip onto your hands.
They'll tell you
I'm alive.

Most of my poetry have a particular reason behind them, and only I know the reason. For example, I had a fight with my mum and wrote the one that started with 'stuck in a stalemate' about five years ago. I didn't write down the reason behind it anywhere, but I still remembered imageries from the poem. I can't even remember what the fight was about, but I remember the feeling and the pictures that formed in my mind. 

Right now, I am sipping on a tea in front of the fan while writing. The tea packet claims that it 'will have you feeling absolutely peachy. The peachy feeling you get from recharging in the sun while the world is on mute. Except for the radio, which appears to be playing your favourite song'. I'm not listening to the radio right now, but how is the description so perfect? That is exactly how I was feeling when I got the tea and started to write, with the world on mute and all.

Our stove isn't working. The car has a massive scratch, due to me, which is getting rusted right now. The house has ants here and there, not exactly sure why. I still have at least three years to finish studying. The milk and bread went off sometime between two days ago and this morning. There is a pile of clothes to wash, plates and cups to rearrange and furniture to dust. 

Every turn a surprise

I used to be a person with a huge personal space. I was a bit of a keyboard warrior, a bit of a keyboard counsellor and a bit a of an escapist (I still am a bit of an escapist I think :/...). But sharing a space with another person, almost constantly, almost everyday reduces that need for such a big personal space. I still like having a coffee by myself every now and then, but I don't feel as much of a need for it as I did before. I don't write as much, instead, we talk. We have a shared to-do list on a whiteboard at the back of our door. I tell him about my ridiculous nightmares and he listens. He tells me about his work and I get excited for him (even though he says its boring, but I can see he loves it). We daydream together. He accidentally says terribly romantic things, like, 'You have beautiful eyes', or, 'I am lucky to have you as my wife'. I accidentally used his toothbrush a few times, and didn't feel grossed out. His favourite song is 'a whole new world' from Aladdin. He sings it for me sometimes, and I feel like he is right. He is showing me the world. I don't think I completely understand him yet and I don't think he completely understands me yet but that's the fun part of planning to be together for the rest of your lives - you understand each other a little more everyday.

Baba

I think I have began to appreciate Baba more after getting married. I have always admired, respected and loved him; when I was little, I used to think he was the best person in the entire world - the one with the cleanest heart. He doesn't complain, lives with hope and enjoys both the company of others and his own. I still love watching his face as he explains things from the Quran. When he reads, he bobs his head involuntarily. We grew up hearing wives complain about how their husbands pick on their cooking, but never saw one such example at home. We grew up hearing that our friends are afraid of their dad's, but could never relate to it. Whenever something heavy needed to be lifted, or a cockroach needed to be killed, Baba was there. He showed us who real men are - strong, brave, wise and comforting. 

Another friend of Mr H got married yesterday. Saw lots of old friends at that wedding and met a few new people too. Mr H and my crowd had always been different, hence I was met with a lot of new culture since I got married. This friend comes from a crowd that's a little different to both of ours, hence, we were both met with a new wave of cultural differences. Interestingly, all of us are of Muslims with Bengali-Australian background. Differences automatically leads to forming (mostly negative?) judgement, which is terrible. There should be one measuring stick, right and wrong by God's definition. If something is wrong according to it, we should stay away from it in any form possible, and if it is right, we should accept it, even if it doesn't seem familiar to us.

I found this amazing acapella artist - she has the most beautiful voice, and does the backing track so simply but beautifully! I think I will listen to her for the next few days at least. My room had been terribly messy for the last few days, it is a little cleaner now, but the floor needs to be vaccumed. I have a to-do list that consists of about 6-7 things that seem annoying at the moment, but I am sure I would feel excellent after I do them. Writing here wasn't a part of it. -.-

Feeling excited :)

I have been thinking about homeschooling during the primary years. The idea of raising children with ideas that aren't filtered through the secular schooling system, allowing them to be independent about the things that they want to learn about instead of streamlining their interests, teaching them bangla and arabic at the same time, as well as quran memorisation, as well as letting them part-take in any sports they want, and other community projects - seems like a very lucrative idea. Once they are a bit more strong in their deen inshaallah, they can go to a public high school with a relatively good environment. The high schools that I went to were pretty good, alhamdulillah. What would be even more awesome is if they could somehow do full time hifdh for 2-3 days a week, and I could work as a counsellor at some school.

If everything goes my way, in the next five years, I can finish studying - including finishing my psych degree, counselling degree and teaching degree. And I can finish learning arabic and a bit of Quran.

Mr H and some of his friends are in on the plan of homeschooling. They want to build a community like the ones NAK suggests and are working towards it. I'm excited to see what comes about in the next ten years!

Life isn't perfect, but we have to push through!

Hi :)

I haven't written in here for so long! July 12th - that's more than a month ago. Time flew pretty quick for a while. I'm not doing much these days - no work, no uni - so time is supposed to fly slower. I am trying to get some other things done though - things I haven't had time for before and probably will not have much time for from next semester. However, I have spent my spare time watching Offspring, instead of doing those things, and eating things like cookies and 2-min noodles. Not the most productive way to spend what is possibly the free-est time of my life. Also, I have been writing a song, to which Sum said, 'it doesn't have your usual flair'. I was thinking, 'what flair?!', but I just casually typed, 'oh really?'. It makes me happy to think that Sum thinks I usually have a 'flair' in writing.

I like spending time at my parents' now. I think I appreciate them more now that I don't live with them, but that's what everyone else said would happen, right? Except, you just don't realise it actually happens until you go through it yourself. You don't realise what a lot of things are actually like, unless you experience it yourself. One thing that is terribly annoying is the way grown men and women yield to social pressure. I kind of give excuses for myself, saying, I am only twenty-three, I am only recently married, I am only new etcetra. But I am not sure whether they started off by giving the exact same excuses and just never stopped.

I sometimes feel like I cannot remember what I used to think and feel four months ago. The whole point of writing is that I can come back later and read them and re-feel and re-think those feelings and thoughts. I really need to sit down and do that someday soon.

Mr H got me a new phone for Eid, but I haven't started using it yet due to a huge funny mess surrounding it. The mess is being sorted now, I think. I need to start using it soon. Mr H's birthday is coming up. I am writing him a song and giving him a box full of gifts inshaallah. I got a card for him that says 'You are my cup of tea'. I hope he likes it.

I don't particularly like gold jewellery. Maybe I should try wearing some of my old stuff every now and then. EF was so proud that I am becoming feminine now! :P

I think Ma just came home from work.

Annoying things

- Racism
- Nationalism
- Oblivion
- Psychopathy
- Mainstream media
- Hypocrisy

Ramadan :)

It's Ramadan again!

There are so many reasons to love Ramadan:
- An opportunity to have ALL of your sins forgiven.
- An opportunity for dua to be accepted - any dua!
- An opportunity to gain an a load of rewards.

Basically, it's an opportunity to start over. And if you think something is impossible, know that for Allah, nothing is impossible. And everything in life is a test (even the ones that might seem like a blessing). One way to keep cool while you are hungry, thirsty and things aren't going as planned - is to be grateful for the blessings that Allah has given you. Mentally list them, and thank Allah for every single one.

There are times when it seems like everyone is out to piss you off, like that is their sole purpose. Just, imagine Jannah, the place you will get if you hold on, just a little more.

Pretend cafe

There's something therapeutic about writing a philosophy essay in the middle of the night, while listening to songs that you like, while sitting in the middle of a room filled with only your mess, while contemplating whether you should go get another cup of tea. It feels like you have endless time on your hands, no expectations or obligations to attend to. It feels like sitting in a cafe and writing.

There are several things about my mother that I am not completely able to appreciate. But with new experiences, I am able to appreciate a few of those things. My mother is very 'herself'. She always wore whatever she wanted, not caring about whether it was 'in' or not. She leads a life where she makes sure every single day is productive. And one thing she told me once, that I keep forgetting, but shouldn't, is: No matter what happens, I should not hesitate or feel too ashamed to come back to Allah and get back on my feet.

There are several levels of 'losing' yourself. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you've lost yourself in some ways. It's good for you, even. But, if you lose all of yourself, you're in trouble.

I should probably go get that cup of tea and come back and write. 

Humans of New York

“My parents were always fighting. They weren’t very supportive. I used to be bitter about it. I was caught up on how my life could have been different if I had better parents. How things would have been different if x, y, and z had happened. But then you get older and you realize maybe they didn’t have the capacity to give you what you needed. They couldn’t understand you, just like you couldn’t understand them. You realize they were dealing with their own disappointments. And you even start to think, ‘Maybe I could have been a better son.’”

"We're eye doctors."
"What's something about the eye that most people don't realize?"
"The eye doesn't see. The brain sees. The eye just transmits. So what we see isn't only determined by what comes through the eyes. What we see is affected by our memories, our feelings, and by what we've seen before."

"Through it all, we have all become much more compassionate souls. The depression taught me a valuable lesson: Who knows what battle people are facing everyday that is unseen? Embrace every present moment! You never know when your perfect life will drastically and instantly change. We had a perfect life until we didn’t. (A 30-second phone call with the confirmed cancer diagnosis came soon after we built and moved into our "dream home".)"

"I've got a wife and three kids, and a job I'm trying to hold on to. It's a lot of work and it's a lot to worry about, so it's easy to fall into a routine where all I'm doing is worrying about the next moment. In the midst of all this, sometimes I have to force myself to step back and appreciate the wonderful things that have already happened: one of my children is a budding artist, the other is beautifully kind, and the other is full of energy and potential. And they're all happy. And they're all healthy."

"I tend to be cynical about a lot of things, but Maya Angelou is somebody that no matter how much I pick her apart, she still has integrity. She was a victim of incest and rape, and she worked as a stripper. And now she’s a literary icon and Nobel Laureate. It goes to show that life is cumulative, and you can’t devalue any type of experience."

"People confuse the source of their happiness. They become temporarily happy when they get a new car, or a new house, or a new marriage. And they think that they are suddenly happy because of this new thing in their life. In reality, they are happy because for a brief moment, they are without desire. But then soon another desire comes along. And the search continues."

Judgementalness

If you are always around similar kinds of people, people who share similar ideas about the world - there's a huge chance that your world would become tiny. And then when you meet people that are very different, you start to think they are 'not of us' and that's when things become problematic. If we improve our communication and at least attempt to speak the same language, no one would be 'not of us'.

Time management

The busier life gets, the more I am understanding the importance of managing time well. I can't say that I have been putting every moment to use, hence, I know that I am not overcommitted at the moment, I am just the same old disorganised person that I always have been. Being disorganised is generally fine when you are a single university student - your life consists of uni work, friends, a bit of family, social work and maybe a part time job to pay for the minimal expenses and coffees. You can stay up till 2 AM watching TV shows, then get a coffee in the morning and finish off that assignment that's due at midnight. But this does not work when the main focus in your life is no longer you.

Possible steps of better time management:
- Keep your calendar updated with every commitment.
- Dua
- Make sure the minimum faraids are going okay, otherwise, everything else you do will be futile.
- To do list every morning

Introducing Mr H

Marriage is an interesting experience. If you are lucky and blessed, you marry your best friend, or you find a new best friend in your spouse. There are absolutely no secrets or barrier, but at the same time, you remember that the person you are married to is an individual, hence, your thought processes are not always going to be at sync. So, the way you may perceive or process something might be entirely different to the way your spouse does it. On top of that, the way you share your space with this person is very different to anyone else. Hence, it is very easy for your spouse to pick up on your weaknesses. Which means its very easy to be your truest self, the most vulnerable you have ever been. Which also means that if you have married the right person, you will eventually learn to help each other work through weaknesses and bring out the best in each other.

I feel quite lucky and blessed about Mr H. (He does not watch this space though, so I can praise him as much as I want without giving him a huge head. :P)

Moments

I have looked forward to this moment for a very long time. And now that it's finally here, my brain and my insides seem to have turned into one huge ball of mush - unable to separate one feeling from another. There are moments where I feel like rewinding all of it and returning to the life I lived before, but, it's silly to not appreciate blessings when they're here already. When you are out in the sun, don't think about the clouds that are forecasted for tomorrow. Soak up the sun with your eyes closed and be grateful that He allowed you to experience that moment.

Worrying puts us in a cage, and the more we worry, the smaller the cage gets, until we suffocate. The concept of Tawakkulullah - trust in Allah - is something that never ceases to amaze me. We might find it hard to trust others entirely, and rightly so - letting another person clench your heart in their fist gives them the power to crush it, maybe involuntarily. But letting your heart be filled with the trust of Allah can allow you to let others hold your heart, without letting them clench it tight.

Sometimes, the worry stems from regret - regret of our own past actions. But it's important to remember that once something has been repented for, it's as if that never happened.

Live in the moment. In this moment. 

5 before 5

The Prophet (saw) advised to: “Take benefit of five before five: Your youth before your old age, your health before your sickness, your wealth before your poverty, your free time before you are preoccupied, and your life before your death”(Narrated by Ibn Abbas and reported by Al Hakim)

Reminder

Currently, I am utterly in love with (or possibly just obsessed with) this song called Riptide. I found a great acapella and I cannot stop listening to it. It's a clean sound, with a soothing voice which does not go out of tune at all and lovely words. The song is open to interpretation, but the way I see it, it's about a boy who had low self esteem and was filled with fears, but falls head over heels in love with a girl and loses his fears. Then, the girl begins to lose herself and he knows things are going down in a hateful direction, but there's nothing he can do.

I heard somewhere, that when a person commits a sin, at that moment, that person stops being a believer. Because you cannot do something wrong while knowing that you are being watched and you will have to answer for it, while you do not have an answer. The beautiful thing is, Allah is Al-Ghafoor, Al-Afu', Ar;-Rahman, Al-Lateef, Ash-Shakoor, Al-Wadud and so much more. He forgives, loves, rewards and works in the most subtle ways.

Sometimes, all we want to do is forget that we have to die and keep doing whatever it is we are doing, because its just easier that way. It's easier to think about the bills we have to pay, or the people we have to please, or the grades we need to get and stay so busy while trying to keep things afloat that its easier to forget that we ever have to die. But one day, we will wake up without waking up and neither our money nor those people will wake up with us.

But Allah is As-Samad.

Perfection

sometimes things are so perfect that i feel like i am dreaming and that i will wake up any moment and realise i still lack direction and sometimes i feel like i am living inside a bubble that might burst at any moment but then you remind me that this is all real and you are real and you are the perfect balance i was missing all this time. 

Blessed

Note to self: when blessings come, be thankful for them. Remember that everything comes from the Allah and be grateful to Him.

One of the names of Allah is Ash-Shakoor - I never thought about this name too much until recently. I remember being amazed by the meaning of it. It is similar to taking very little care of a plant, but the plant giving you a lot of fruits. You put in a tiny amount of effort and you are rewarded with plenty. The fact that Allah is Ash-Shakoor means that He rewards the little that you do with plenty. I am feeling this completely in my life right now. My life, subhanallah, could not be any more perfect at the moment. I have direction, purpose, resources and confidence. Allah has surrounded me with so much support at the moment that I must, must cherish it. There were moments when I had none of those, and hence, no happiness. Alhamdulillah, I truly feel blessed. And it gives me even more conviction that Allah is indeed Ash-Shakoor.

Ways to be grateful to Allah:
- Saying Alhamdulillah (absolutely all praises and thanks belongs to Allah)
- Talking about the blessings
- Using the blessings that you're given for good purposes

“If you are grateful, I will surely give you more and more.” (Ibrahim 14:7).

Making decisions

An effective way to know what decision you should take is to ask yourself, what would I want my daughter to do? If you don't think you can bear it if your daughter takes a particular decision, don't take it yourself. It is often easier to love others more than you love yourself. It is often easier to hurt yourself more in the long term than wishing to protect someone you love. And the people you would love the most would be your children. Everyone else seems like individuals, but a person's own child probably always would seem to be a part of her. And you'd want the absolute best for your own child, even if you do not think of it for yourself.

This realisation made me realise how much my mother loves me. And also, that my daughter will probably never love me the way I would love her. But such is life.

:)

My life kind of changed quite dramatically and quickly over the past few weeks. In fact, ironically, it began in the week that I posted "So yeah. Back to who I was before. Balance." I can no longer remember what I meant by "who I was". But then, we are always changing, and it is not necessarily a bad thing. There isn't a need to go back to a particular stage, rather, we need to move forward and be better. Sometimes, we can't control the environment that we are put in, and it may seem that we are not being better while we move. But, it is up to us to make the best of every situation.

I remember thinking that it is much easier to live when you don't have anyone to weigh you down. Which is true, if the people that you are with weigh you down. But, if the people that you are with bring out the best in you, then you probably should stick to them like glue. 

Also, I am quitting gym! My year long membership finally ends at the end of this month and I shall no longer pay a shocking amount and succumb to the vanity that this society brings (lol, no that is not the reason why I'm quitting obviously). But surprisingly, I reached the goals that I set out for gym. Although, I did eat a whole lot of brownies today... yet to realise what the full impact will be. 

I am doing Philosophy of Religion as one of my electives this semester. I don't think I can handle a whole lot of philosophy, but one subject to end my degree seems to be the perfect amount. We talked about Ansalm and Descartes - and their understanding of God's existence and views of the ontological argument. My mouth was probably gaping the entire time. I absolutely loved it and possibly had the best time I have had in this entire week (and I had quite a few other good moments this week!). 

There is always so much to do and so little time. But when you are happy, none of it matters. 

Life is bittersweet

I have been hearing of quite a few deaths lately. People from my parents generation passing away, a twenty-four year old just randomly not waking up in the morning - things like that. Apart from the general horrific situation of the world, these things remind you that life isn't all fun and play. I may very well not wake up tomorrow morning. And then there are other different kinds of sadnesses around me - loneliness, insecurity, frustration, fear - things that exist in your head, but are very real. Some people that I love are experiencing at least one of these at the moment.

But amongst death and sadnesses, I have been happy. I have been surrounded by lovely people who are making me feel very grateful to have them in my life. I can feel the blessings in my life, which is often hard to feel, hence, is a blessing in itself. I still have annoying chores to do here and there, for example, a task that I have procrastinated from for the past three months in currently sitting in another window. But, the little annoying tasks seem manageable when the big things in life are in place.

Sometimes it feels like we have mastered a particular skill or a topic, because we are around the same group of people with similar mindsets and skill levels. And then we are thrown into a mix where we realise that we know zilch in reality. Instead of feeling disoriented with life, it's important to embrace the challenge.

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows

I am currently sipping on a cup of green tea. It's not as bad as it tasted the last time I had it - I am trying to remind myself of its numerous benefits with every sip. Adding lots of lemon and a spoonful of honey helped too. I am trying to get myself in healthier habits... not sure how long it'll last.

Lots of things are happening lately so I am trying to take it one day at a time. I have been feeling the need of clarifying and revising my ideas regarding faith and methodologies of practising it. Our life is too short to do things without knowing why you're doing them. It is also too short to live with your head under sand. I have also been feeling a lot less stressed lately. Paraphrasing one of the newest people in my life: Things are only as stressful as you make them.

Something wonderful happened yesterday - SB gave me a surprise gift. I have been making dua for something for the past few months, and with that gift, the problem has been solved. He is such an amazingly generous person mashaallah! I think I was too happy to properly be able to express how happy I was, but A said he would know anyway.

Dua is amazing. You directly ask the One who is in control of every single thing, the One who is also the Most Loving and Answerer of Prayers. It's not possible for anyone to care about you more than the amount and quality of care He has for you. It's not possible for anyone to love you more than the amount and quality of love He has for you. He also knows what is absolutely best for you. Recently, I have realised how great reliable people are (I'm not one of them yet, but inshaallah I'll get there one day!). You can trust them very easily and know that you wouldn't be disappointed. But at the same time, humans are fallible, and they can only meet a certain amount of expectations placed upon them. Allah is the most reliable, perfectly reliable.

7/02

I was skimming through some of my most recent posts and I came across one that listed reasons for my sadness at that time. Alhamdulillah, it made me smile to notice that I have regained career directions and I have begun to come across people who have hope for the world. Exactly opposite of the things that were making me sad. Maybe that's why I feel so happy lately. I am still trying to balance out my life, but I think it will be a constant struggle. My latest technique is to take these steps:
- List the aspects of my life that needs attention.
- Allocate time (if it's something that must be done regularly) or tasks (if applicable) for each.
- Do them. :P

I heard an excellent lecture by Harry Fear today. If you don't know him already - he is a British journalist that lives in Gaza. He doesn't identify himself with any religion, but he mentioned that if he was religious, he would be Muslim, because of the way that Islam deals with injustices. One important thing he mentioned is that about five years ago, he had no idea about Gaza, possibly not even where it's located. The fact that it is never too late to start finding out and working to remove an injustice. He talked about 3 aspects: activism, fighting against injustice with the means that you have and feeling the pain of others, and the fact that all of these aspects are rooted in core, specific principles of Islam. Listen to it if you want to have half an hour of awesome streaming into your brain. He would make an excellent Muslim. :)

My email never seems to be completely cleared out. However, I do believe I am getting organised lately. The fact that I waste a lot of time doing useless things is hitting me. I need to change my perception of relaxation and fun and suit these to be defined according to whatever situation I am in. Otherwise, you need to spend extra time on those, and there isn't just enough time for commitments alone, let alone extra time.

One of the signs of the Day of Judgement is that time passes quickly. I can feel it so well.

Note to Self

• If it takes less than five minutes, do it right now. No point in delaying things for five days at the expense of five minutes.
• Stop talking when there is nothing to talk about.
• Life is too short for anxiety.

Mushiness

I felt terribly happy the entire day yesterday - It was one of those days when I felt like the world is all rainbows and lollipops and the butterflies in my stomach would fly forever. I read a status this morning by Navaid Aziz in the morning:

"Every moment of happiness in this life is just a mere glimpse of potential happiness in paradise.

The next time you have happy moment do two things:
1- Say Al hamdulillah, and that way you have thanked Allah for the blessing of happiness in this life and that amazing moment you just had. 

2- Ask Allah to grant you a moment better than it in paradise. Anything we may have felt in this life is just a mere fraction of the happiness and joy we may feel in the hereafter.
That my friends is how you preserve a moment of happiness forever!
May Allah make us of the inhabitants of the highest of paradise. Ameen."

It's so much easier to put the world in perspective when you remember how temporary and illusive this world is, and how permanent and real the hereafter will be. That does not mean that we cannot feel what we feel, it just means that we need to keep ourselves from getting carried away from the end goal. There is room for boundaries to be crossed at any moment - regardless of whether you are happy or not. In sadness, the boundary may be crossed in rebellion to the situation. In happiness, it's easy to cross it out of a "what's the harm?" type of attitude.

Imam Ibn Al-Qayyim said, “There are three types of patience: Firstly, practicing patience to fulfill the obligations and to do righteous. Secondly, abstaining from evil and prohibited acts. And thirdly, practicing patience during times of hardship without complaints.”

When you are happy, the first two types of patience get tested. 

My second summer school subject is nearly finished. There was a bit of a hiccup on my part, but it should be fixed soon. My third summer school subject is something I am desperately hoping I pass - I picked 'everyday physics' on a whim. I thought it might be fun, which it is, but I fun does not necessarily equate to excellence.

School begins next week, which means scripture begins, which means I need to prepare the much promised folder I have been promising my kids since Ramadan. Beginning of school also means that my flow of cash will begin again inshaallah. YAY.

Sum tells me I am being very mushy lately, which is probably true. I am really beginning to appreciate the people around me and their love. I love the way my friends and I look out for each other, making sure our hearts aren't broken by the world, that our eyes are kept on the prize. I love the way my family members love each other, and you can see it in their eyes and actions. 

sheep

Everything in this world is an illusion. Attachment to any of it more than what is Real is always dangerous, no matter how halal it is. Sometimes, we want an attachment to be okay and we fool ourselves into thinking that the difference between being unattached and attached is very little. But the difference is never too little. Everything must be taken back to the one attachment we need to truly have, the only one that will give us constant peace.

I realise I am sounding very YM-ish lately, so I decided to stop sounding YM-ish and return to my resting state of awesomeness. As off... now.

I have sooo many things to do but every time i sit down to do them my mind wonders to a hundred other places entirely unrelated to the things i have to do so i begin thinking that i should get a tea and sit down and start doing things but then i feel lazier than i originally felt my most recent password for my uni account comes from give me a sign because i was listening to it while i set it however ironically i heard the lyrics wrong so the password actually does not come from the lyrics but i don't feel like changing it because every password has a memory associated with it i have horrible self regulation its something i definitely need to fix up as soon as possible i'm super sleepy.

Things that are happening

I went out with a bunch of friends last week - to Wattamolla beach. It was one of those days that I was able to relax and enjoy the beauty, as well as scream, splash, eat and have one of the best times of my life. The people that I went with - I can imagine having most of them in my life for a very long time. I came back home late, with aching muscles, a badly sunburnt face, a cold and an almost empty wallet. But it was still one of the best days of my life.

The following day, I went to an overnight program for little girls, which, should have been fun, but turned out to be more annoying than anything else. Our target audience was seven to fourteen year old girls, but some of the mothers sat very close and talked away. This didn't seem to bother anyone else, but all I kept thinking was that the point is being lost. Anyway, so, I went home, and came back early the next day with Z. Spent the entire day feeling disoriented, and later realised I have come down with the flu. The problem was - Z is under my care now because her mother has some other immediate commitments she needs to tend to. So, as I lay down with a blocked nose, a headache and the occasional cough, all I could think of was that Z wasn't being taken care of by me. And then I started to think how mothers are not allowed to be sick, and even if they do fall sick, they aren't allowed to stop the world and lie in bed. It added to the list of things that mothers do on a daily basis that we so often do not appreciate. 

TA and I have been talking about "wot iz love". I told that girl to start a blog, but she wouldn't, so I shall just praise her in mine and hope she never reads this. She has an incredible mind, an appreciative heart and an honest soul. She is one of those people that would make you smile just by her presence, without any pretence. We share similar tastes in movies and books, and possibly tea (we shall find out about that last one soon!). 

I am going to a friend's nikkah tomorrow inshaallah! The couple finished their first year of university this year. I love the fact that they are keeping it nice and simple at this stage. They kind of fulfil everything that I talk about in terms of marriage: a) both are pretty young; b) they are getting married at the mosque, with nothing fancy; c) both are pure hearted people who try their best to as much good as they can, as far as I see; d) they come from different cultures. They are one of the many examples I see around me of how ideas change people. People like them inspire me to keep working on solidifying my ideas and inspire others to change theirs. 

I don't think I will get much sleep over the next few days. There's 2 hours till fajr. I originally stayed up because I thought something was due at the end of this week, when in fact, it's due at the end of next. So when I realised it wasn't, I started writing here. Now I'm scared to sleep, because if I sleep, I would want to sleep more. But if I don't sleep, I might die from lack of sleep.

Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

The world is going more and more haywire. In Bangladesh, joint police forces are silently shooting members of a political party at night and managing to keep a great percentage of the nation unaware by blocking anti-government materials from going into national news. This is on top of some of the bizarre things that happened in the past, like the massacre from 5th November 2012, or hanging a person without trial and getting most of the nation to rejoice at the torture, setting up secret torture cells in university student accommodations and torturing youth from that particular political party. Israel has increased flooding in Gaza by opening a dam, on top of bombing the strip frequently, and is now denying any 'allegations' of the existence of the dam existing. Rape is one of the most prominent horrors in the Syrian war. I still have images of Rohingyans fleeing from burning homes stuck in my mind, but the existence of the oppression is unknown to most of the world.

I think the biggest challenge for us now is that truth and untruth are almost inseparable. Some people so fiercely believe in a lie, even though it goes against all logic and history that I feel like I need to be able to be so well versed in both of those areas that I can dispel them head on if they come my way. But my memory is so bad that I find myself fumbling when confronted with a misconception, which gives a very wrong idea to the other person. But I guess this is one of those things that I need to try to target and fix. Sitting and brooding about injustices do nothing except make one feel more and more helpless, leading to learned helplessness. There are lots of things that we would not be able to fix by ourselves, but there are lots of ways that we can contribute in the fixing up. I heard this story in some lecture ones - a man was walking along the shore and throwing washed up starfish back into the ocean, one starfish at a time. Someone asked him why he is doing so, and whether he is really making any difference at all, he replied with something like, 'I am making a difference to every starfish I save.' Although I don't entirely agree with the concept (i.e.: I don't think it's enough that we save individual lives. We need to be involved in collective efforts in bringing long term, large scale changes.), I agree with the sentiments of it. All we can do is our part.

I talked to Miffy today - she is so inspiring! She is one of those people who believe in constant improvement and actually goes for it. She pulled me out of the misery bubble I built around myself for the past few days (the bubble of learned helplessness). She told me some very important things:
- To take some solid goals for next year in terms of what I want to achieve. I have, of course, done this in the previous years, but I've always restricted myself to personal goals. Miffy reminded me to take goals about the projects I take on as well.
- Your duas reflect what things are important to you. If you are not praying for it, you are not giving it enough importance. (My sis told me this the other day too. She told me to "turn my worries into duas".)
- Whenever something gets tedious, renew your intention.

I am feeling super relaxed right now. I finally lit the candle that Emu gave me ages ago - not sure why I was saving it. It is forcasted to rain tomorrow, after the burning heat from the past two days. My windows are open, so I can feel the light, rainy breeze. And I'm listening to Lauren King's acapellas. I should do this more often. I realised, I am okay with having lots of people near me as long as I get some alone time to clear my mind. Otherwise people get to my nerves.

So yeah. Back to who I was before. Balance.

 

Butterflies and rainbows are fake

Marriage is an entirely different concept in Islam than it's current idea in society. In the West, marriage is just a whole lot of papers that don't really mean anything more than an exchange of money. In the East, a lot of it still has to do with forming bonds between two families, and very little has to do with the two people involved. Of course that's a very black-and-white version, but that's basically what a lot of it boils down to. Personally, if I wasn't Muslim, I probably wouldn't bother with marriage either - love and commitment can be established in so many other ways than just signing in a few places.

But in Islam, marriage is much, much more. Islam is something that works best when it is practised as a whole, instead of bits and pieces here and there. It contains guidelines for something so personal as how to get over sadness as well as something so global as how to rule a nation. An integral part of the system is the family unit, which made much more sense to me when I was studying developmental psychology. When a child grows up with a good home environment, he/she has a much lesser chance of committing crime or developing psychological disorders. The family unit starts with a marriage. Marriage is the basis of building a society in Islam. The other issue with our current society is that we are very detached from other people and each of us have a huge personal space. In a marriage, people learn to share that space, so they are constantly faced with challenges that they need to learn to overcome. But, marriage is also about supporting each other. When two people work together to achieve a shared goal, they can stop each other from veering off in the wrong direction and be motivational to each other.

But when Islam is mixed in with culture, both Western and Eastern, that is when problems occur. When Easter cultures are brought in, the 'pride factor' from parents enter the equation. It's no longer purely about two people being compatible with each other in terms of personality, intellect and physical attraction - it also becomes about family status', wealth and even something so mundane as skin colour. The Western culture brings its own Hollywood-like expectations which teaches young people that relationships are all about love and rainbows, 10% problems and 90% excitement. I am guilty of this as well, so I know how easy it is to fall into such traps. But seriously, at some point, people need to open their eyes and observe real life relationships and realise that after a while, the butterflies kinda die in your stomach.

Everything is a test and a blessing, people, EVERYTHING.

End of rant.

Awkward Encounters

It's sort of like walking straight into someone, then moving out of the way for them, only to face them again because they have also attempted to move out of the way and in the end you two end up doing a little dance. Except, when the encounters are initiated by you, and half way through it, neither you nor the other person know where you are going with your banter. You can feel your face burning, but since you are the one who initiated the meeting, you can't exactly run off with an excuse. You realise that you two live in entirely different books, let alone ever being in the same page. Difference is scary when it people are okay with where they are and are not willing to change, but then, maybe the other person is thinking the exact same thing about you.

Note to self: only converse with a purpose!

It's such a beautiful day out today. Yesterday was very different - it was raining heavily, I had an exam, I was scared out of my wits. I had a lovely day though, despite it's emotional lows. The coffee shop I went to had a smiling person behind the counters, who called me "miss" and used sentences like "it's my pleasure". People genuinely smiled, despite (or because of?) the rain. There's something about well made coffee that just makes everything better. Speaking of which, today's one was horrible.

I should study for my last exam.

And they come unstuck

Six years, seven months and four days ago!

Struggling to swim

I only remember fragments of my life before Australia. I remember daydreaming a lot, which I still do. I remember not being able to concentrate in memorisation - still am not. I don't remember being fussy about the way I look. I guess that's because I used to fit the general criteria of what was considered to be 'pretty' - which should not really matter to a ten year old anyway (but it often does, especially when kids get bullied for it, or rather, the lack of it). My grades were not great, but I was good at understanding English, attended a good school and generally picked things up faster than others. So, I had neither a low or inflated self esteem about my intelligence. When I came to Australia, I was considered to be one of the smart ones, though it was expected because schools in Bangladesh make kids work harder - it was new to me. I went through the next five years of schooling with the mentality that I was, indeed, one of the smarter kids. :)

This kind of got crushed once I changed schools in 2008. As one of my teachers put it - the new kids at this new school were used to being the big fish in little ponds, and all of a sudden, are thrown into the ocean, where they aren't so big any more. Before this, I was used to putting in very little effort in my school work, but the effort I put in was done with enthusiasm. The last 2 years of schooling drained every last bit of enthusiasm I had towards structured learning. But, I must've put in some kind of effort, because I ended up with a mark that said I was somewhere just below average in my school, but way above average in the state. However, my efforts were overshadowed by the stress of meeting expectations, so if I was given the choice of re-living those two years - I most definitely would not do it!

In the first semester of university - I remember studying hard for chemistry. I enjoyed maths up to a particular point. I hated one of the other compulsory classes that we had to do, but it was so easy that I ended up with a distinction anyway. My marks reflected each subject accordingly. I hated the 2nd semester of my first year - the subjects that I was doing probably required a lot more effort on my part than was given, but I was very unmotivated because I absolutely hated physics and optics (a combination of maths and physics). The other two subjects were chemistry and bio - and although I liked chemistry up until that point, I don't really know what happened - things probably got too hard and I gave up. Bio - I have always had a love-hate relationship with it. The system that was put in our bodies is complex and fascinating, which is why I love knowing about it, but hate learning it because it requires a lot of memorisation.

The next semester was a good one. My fourth semester at uni saw another dip in performance - at that point, I thought I wanted to major in both neuroscience and psychology. Neuroscience required anatomy and pharmacology - both of which required memorisation of terms that I could not have memorised even if I had to save my life. I ended up dropping anatomy early. And needless to say, my pharm results were horrible. It probably did not help that at that time some personal challenges were also brimming to the top. So, I was faced with challenges in both my academic and personal lives, and not being able to handle them perfectly broke my spirit, quite a bit.

The challenges that I faced in the next two semesters - last year - was pretty well documented here, I think. I keep talking about them. All the time. I should really stop. (butinsummaryitwasacombinationofchallengesinacademicpersonalandworklives)

So why am I analysing my failures?

I had a job interview the other day. I haven't done too many interviews, but, in terms of my work life, I generally always got the jobs I wanted. I really wanted this particular one, but I got a rejection call the other day.

It made me think about how my failures have shaped me. I tend to attach myself to ideas (that horrible habit of daydreaming!) and when things don't go the way I imagined them to go, I get terribly disappointed. Of course, this is a natural humane response. But, I forget to remember that my days are numbered. I can't exactly do anything about my past failures except to accept them, because expecting perfection will set me up for more disappointments in the future. All I can do now, is focus on things that matter - things that'll prepare me for the absolute long term and things that I can control. Is this a defense mechanism? Maybe. But if we don't employ any kind of mechanisms to defend our hearts, the world will break it before we know it. And it's much harder to put broken pieces back together than to save a fragile, but intact thing. 

Rainy days and Mondays

i have an exam tomorrow it is raining i am having my first coffee in two days and it feels strangely refreshing my room is a mess and it has not been such a mess in about a week or two so the mess feels intrusive there are always too many people in our house so i would rather study at the library but i hate walking in the rain with a deadline in mind so i would rather not go to the library i also do not know what shoes i should wear when i go out because all my shoes seem to be drenched because they were left out in the rain accidentally i also accidentally dropped in a few blocks of cooking chocolate in my coffee so it should taste like mocha but i cannot yet taste the chocolate maybe i will be able to taste it at the end all at once my mum keeps waking up in the middle of the night and is not able to go back to sleep out of worrying about some things that she cannot control and she cannot control her sleeping patterns either or the way she feels she feels dizzy from time to time and feels like she would faint she is such a strong woman that i have never heard her say things like this before on top of that she is fasting today i am worried about her i have been sleeping too much lately because when i start to worry about things i cannot control i feel that i should forget about them and the easiest way to forget is to lose consciousness and all other methods of losing consciousness besides sleeping are haram so i have been sleeping a lot i have a song stuck in my head it goes how do you like your eggs in the morning i like mine with a kiss up or down something something frown as long as i get my kiss how do you like your toast in the morning i like mine with a hug dark or light the world is alright as long as i get my hug little z knocked on my door this morning and started calling me she has not done that in a while she had one of my magnets and wanted to put it on my whiteboard then she saw a few other things in my messy room and started exploring she saw the fan and screamed out fan and wanted me to turn it on but i told her it was too cold then she saw an empty juice packet and pretended to drink juice she makes me laugh then she climbed into my bed with me and saw my phone and wanted to call her mum but when her mum did not pick up we went through my photos and she named all the people she knew she especially loved seeing photos of little m my coffee is beginning to taste a little like mocha now but it is also beginning to finish i should really clean my room and while i am at it i should clean up my life too are you still reading is this annoying it is still raining i have my first exam tomorrow i really wanted to do well this semester because i really would like to graduate as soon as possible but then as soon as i started studying a lot i also had a fear at the back of my mind that my efforts will not pay off and so i started sleeping a lot because i did not like having that thought because that thought is neither legitimate nor illegitimate and since i could neither prove nor disprove it immediately it lingered but i know that if i do not do something about it today i would terribly regret it tomorrow in fact i probably will still regret things tomorrow but heck at least i will not regret it as much as i would have if i do not do some work now i read a story by scott fitzgerald he is the guy who wrote a great gatsby i hated a great gatsby because gatsby is a pathetic loser who has no life his entire life revolves around waiting for a girl he also wrote the curious case of benjamin button which had an interesting plotline but also had that element of lost love the short story that i read was called a new leaf and it too had that element this guy must have been dumped really badly there is a movie about his life i should watch it but i really liked one quote from the story i actually liked a few quotes but this one quote is what drew me to finding the whole story in the first place it goes her heart sank into her shoes as she realised at last how much she wanted him no matter what his past was no matter what he had done which was not to say  that she would ever let him know but only that he moved her chemically more than anyone else she had ever met i liked the quote because i can relate to it very well in the sense that for the longest time i have not met anyone who has moved me more chemically than anyone else i had ever met a lot of the times it does not have to be someone of the opposite gender that you are romantically attracted to like this woman in the story it can just be a friend but they must be interesting enough to change you beyond who you used to be although if it is someone of the opposite gender then romantic attraction is definitely the way to go because friendzone is actually a horrible place to live in so this is how thoughts run through my head without full stops or semi colons is this how thoughts run through your head too are you still reading is this annoying i need to go and brush my teeth it stopped raining but i still have an exam tomorrow.

Lessons for the future

• You cannot, ever, change the past. So, while you are in the present, don't do anything, that you know with certainty, that you will regret in the future.
• If you take a decision that you believe to be the best at one particular point, know that it is okay. Even if the result doesn't turn out as you expect.
• Try your best, or maybe, try to try your best. Nothing in this world is guaranteed. But if you don't try to try your best, you will have no excuses against your future self's regret.
• Everything is relative. You will always be a little smarter than someone and a little more stupid than someone else. Everything is a gift and a test from Allah, and you can only work with what you have.
• Don't intentionally hurt people. But know that you can never make every single person happy. And that is okay.
• Implement little, positive changes in your life, every day. 
• Know that you can die at any moment.

I know. I'm kind of boring already. Implementing these lessons will make me more boring. Oh well. 

A whole bunch of updates

I need to meet some new people. I seem to be talking to the same two or three people all the time- not that it's a bad thing- I love those people. But the less people that you expose yourself to, the less you remember that everyone is different, the more judgmental you become (or seem). The more that happens, the stronger your bubble grows. And you eventually spiral into a socially awkward mess. Socially awkward people can be cute, but they can also be uncomfortably... awkward. So yeah, I need some fresh faces in my life. The problem with being twenty-two is that you already know so many people that you should be spending time with but can't find the time to spend time with. Uni, work, family, uni, uni,  the internet - they all guilt trip you into thinking that you don't have enough time for them, so how on earth will you ever have time for newness?

I recently remembered how much I used to love public speaking in high school. I liked it because you could say some words, which, if they were different enough, or relateable enough, and spoken with the right kinda emotions - could change someone else's perspective, even if it's in a very tiny way. I have an opportunity to speak for sixty seconds about a pretty interesting topic, on Monday. I am really looking forward to it - I haven't spoken about something silly in front of an audience for a very long time!

We Skyped with nanu today. Her Skype sound wasn't working properly, so we had to speak on the phone simultaneously. Nanu is one of the most real person I've ever come across. She doesn't have a pretentious bone in her body, which is why I don't feel the need of filling up silent moments with her. I can just look at her face and keep quite, and know that she will talk if she has something in her mind, otherwise, she will just sit there and look back too. She always asks me where I am with my uni degree. It's always the same answer, but she seems okay with that. She takes everything matter-of-factly. She doesn't really talk about dreams, and I love that. I love the fact that she is an eighty-three year old woman who has learnt so much from life that she knows that worldly dreams can be crushed so bad that they are often irrelevant. I hate it when I come across adults who learn nothing from life.

My sister recommended a book to me - Organised for Life. It's for people who were not born organised, but want to reform themselves - ie: not my mother, but me. I can live with a decent level of mess I suppose (another one of my numerous qualities that is socially seen as something guys would have)... but I also suppose life becomes easier if you learn to live without it. I don't see myself turning into a clean freak who can't see a speck of dust on her furniture any time soon, but I can see the difference in my room already. One of the tips the author gave was to clean for 15 mins per day. So, I've started that yesterday - I set a 15-min-timer and start cleaning - and yes, it's working. :) (I know.. too early to tell.. but why so negative?!)

One of my friends dubbed me as 'Emma' last year - for my great enthusiasm in pairing people up, providing couples counselling and other Emma kinda stuff. I was talking to TA about this today, and I realised, I am no longer Emma. In fact, currently, I am so far from Emma and that it would be an insult to Jane Austen to call me Emma. I have learnt to stay as far away as I can from couples. TA said she had a similar experience where she felt 'scarred' by the effect that she had on a relationship - and I can relate to that so well. Even though a lot of our actions are well meaning, they have consequences that turn into nightmares and subconsciously change your perceptions so dramatically that people that met you before your change find it very hard to recognise you.

I finished watching the Lizzie Bennet Diaries today. It's a clever vlog adaptation of Pride and Prejudice - and although the acting is a little awkward at times, they did a very good job of it. The casting was great and fit the roles - the skeptic Lizzie, nice Jane, (super)hot Wickham - all of it. So yeah, I finished all hundred episodes in about three days. I've also been watching Vlogbrothers - they have an amazing outlook on life and seem to be able to summarise anything in about five minutes.

I should get a cup of tea and get back to learning about Sensation and Perception - a subject that sounds very philosophical and fun, but is just philosophical and tedious.

Dat hippy feeling

I am currently helping ma write portfolio comments, which shouldn't be that hard because she teaches year two, but is turning out to be extremely tedious. She works under a perfectionist who believes that her way is the only right way, which stresses my mum out. So, even though these kids might grow up and completely forget about whether their teacher wrote that they were 'very good' or 'competent' at addition when they were seven years old, at this point, it is extremely important to their teacher. So, even though I don't see a point in being meticulous in such a trivial thing, I must treat it with utmost importance.

That's the thing about love - we may never see the purpose of a certain action, we may never want to take that particular action even if it kills me - but we do it because it would make someone we love, happy. Someone told me something years ago, and it stuck with me - do little things for your parents, and it'll make them incredibly happy. My life is an example of the truth of this. I am yet to achieve something amazing that they can proudly wear around their neck like a medal. But they smile when they see me. And that makes me happy.

I always analyse my life, happiness, purpose, balance and all that jazz. So, today's conclusion is, we must think about the big stuff - the big tests, the world, our place in it. But that doesn't mean we cannot enjoy the little things that come with it. In fact, being grateful about the little things works very much in coherence with working towards the big things. You learn to complain less, are thankful for the good that God provided for you, patient through the hardships because you know that someone else is suffering a little more, and also a little thankful for the hardships because you know that they'll only make things better for the future if you respond to them with the right attitude.

Abez sez

I recently came across this blog from an article in Muslim Matters. The more I read it, the more I like the person behind it. She is married to someone she calls "HF" - the Husband Friend - because she is married to him, who also happens to be her best friend. She has three children, the oldest has Autism. Her mother is a Mormon and she lives (lived?) in Abu Dhabi - an extremely hot place. I read a bit of her husband's blog too and he seems to have the sense of humour that she has. I like this couple for a few reasons:

- They have a lot of tests in their life, but they are handling with humour.
- They communicate - very clearly.

She seems to live the phrase "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade". She is also anti-praise (when it's done in front of people), so I hope she never comes across this post.

She is making me think about how I have a tendency to analyse every situation that befalls me, and how I have been excusing my way out of taking actions. My life is not that horrible. Even when it becomes that horrible, which it inevitably will sometime, I just need to make lemonade. Because this life is not all.

And right now I need to stop being lazy, get off my sorry backside and brush my teeth.

"It’s easy to slip up- not in the “Why Me?” sense, but “Why Khalid?”and “Why Autism?” And I must remind myself that Khalid is my test, and autism is Khalid’s test. And it’s just a test. And after it’s all over, and the believers and the righteous are finally in Jannah, it will be asked of them whether they had ever suffered in this life. And they will swear that they never had, because the suffering we feel in this life is so minute, and so brief, compared to the reward and the contentment and peace and the perfection and resolution of Jannah. I desperately hope I’m included in that group, and I desperately hope that Khalid is as well."

How a Muslim sees the world

I need to come up with a research idea for one of my subjects. Initially, I felt quite daunted. Even though science fascinates me, even though I'd like to think that I do well in this area, I know that I'm not a scientist at heart. I cannot begin a research, continue with it, cope with rejection after rejection yet spend my entire life trying to find the answer to one (small) question. I have great respect for those who do, though. So, after I've swallowed my fear and started my research, I began to enjoy it. I'm researching into schizophrenia - a disorder with many factors influencing it. It is not merely genetic, environmental, or that the brain isn't wired correctly -- it is a mixture of ALL of those. We still don't know exactly what causes it, but there are lots of hypotheses, possibly that lots of different chemical pathways interact with each other and are dysfunctional. So, currently, I'm researching into the chemical pathways that potentially are going wrong. Which makes one think, when so many things could have potentially gone wrong, a person without schizophrenia (or other mental disorders) is very, very lucky. Because, all of those pathways are working correctly, all of the factors are matching up, everything just happened to have fell into their places. 

I know a few people who have schizophrenia in their families. When something is personal to you, it changes the entire notion. I am looking at this disorder from a scientific point of view. To me, its a bunch of chemicals and numbers. To them, its living with the symptoms every single day, not knowing when things will change for the better or worse. Some tiny changes in the brains of a few people (approx 1% of the world population) can elicit so many things from so many people - sadness, anxiety, fear as well as hope. We hope that its something we can eventually understand, as we have done with so many disorders in the past. But in the mean time, things will remain as it is. For people who have someone close to them suffering from schizophrenia, its very normal for them to want to shut it out. Whenever we have something difficult in our lives, the first response is the wish for it to go away, and when you know that it won't go away, you want to get away from it. 

But the important thing to remember is that we will always have difficulties in our lives. Regarding our life is this world, Islam says:

• It's a test.

• And surely We shall try you with something of fear and hunger, and loss of wealth and lives and crops... (2:155)

• He Who created Death and Life, that He may try which of you is best in deed... (67:2)

•  and most certainly We shall try you all... (47:31)

• Everything in this world is set up in accordance to the idea of a test, thus, everything is somewhat of an illusion.

• Every soul will taste death, and you will only be given your [full] compensation on the Day of Resurrection. So he who is drawn away from the Fire and admitted to Paradise has attained [his desire]. And what is the life of this world except the enjoyment of delusion. (3:185)

• And the worldly life is not but amusement and diversion; but the home of the Hereafter is best for those who are conscious of God , so will you not reason?

• And this worldly life is not but diversion and amusement. And indeed, the home of the Hereafter - that is the [eternal] life, if only they knew. (29:64)

• [This] worldly life is only amusement and diversion. (47:36)

• But little is the enjoyment of the life of this world as compared to the hereafter.” (9:38)

• This world is temporary.

• On the authority of Ibn Umar, may Allah be pleased with both of them, who said: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) took hold of my shoulder and said, ‘Be in the world as if you were a stranger or a traveller along the path.” And ibn Umar would say, “If you survive till late afternoon, do not expect [to be alive in] the morning. If you survive till morning, do not expect [to be alive in] the late afternoon. Take from your health before your sickness and your life before you death.”(Recorded in al-Bukhari)

• We need to make the best of this world, in making it a better place, even if our own lives are temporary. We cannot be selfish people who spend their lives behind closed doors and pray, because they are too much of a coward to face the challenges of the world. This is part of the test.

• Anas ibn Malik (may Allāh be pleased with him) reported that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said, “If the Final Hour comes while you have a palm-cutting in your hands and it is possible to plant it before the Hour comes, you should plant it.” [Al-Abani]

• Abu Hurairah narrated that Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said,"When a man dies, his good deeds come to an end except three: ongoing charity, beneficial knowledge, and righteous offspring who will pray for him." (Muslim)

• Abu Hurairah narrated that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "The good deeds that will reach a believer after his death are: knowledge which he learned and then spread; a righteous son whom he leaves behind; a copy of the Qur'an that he leaves as a legacy; a mosque that he built; a house that he built for wayfarers; a canal that he dug; or charity that he gave during his lifetime when he was in good health. These deeds will reach him after his death." (Ibn Majah — authenticated by Al-Albani)

• We need to do our part in solving a problem we face.
• Anas reported that a person asked the messenger of Allah, “Should I tie my camel and have Tawakkul (trust in Allah for her protection) or should I leave her untied and have Tawakkul?” the messenger of Allah, “Tie her and have Tawakkul.” (Hasan) [Jami At-Tirmidhi]

And the most important thing that I like reminding myself of is:

With difficulty comes ease. (94:5)

Since this life isn't always fair, the ease may or may not come in this life. But, in keeping our world view in mind, we know that, no matter what, will will definitely get ease. Soon.

So, every time we face something difficult, there's 2 things we need to do:

- Return to the Being who is in control of everything in the world and ask Him to guide us to the correct decision, make things easy for us.

- Take productive steps towards solving the problem. If one thing doesn't work, we try another. Then another, then another. Until it works.

Here's an article from ProductiveMuslim that I found while trying to find verses - I loved the tips given here!

http://productivemuslim.com/7-things-to-do-in-times-of-hardship/

Kindness

The power of words frequently amazes me - the way they can slice you to pieces and also sew up a wound. One of my friends once described communication as something that changes you, because it causes a change in the chemicals in your brain, so, after talking with someone, you become a slightly different person to who you were before the conversation. To be able to effectively communicate is half the battle in anything. If you can articulate your problems in words, then you will know what the problem exactly is, and then you can solve it. It amazes me because we use it so much, so many words, but most of us don't stop to think about the effect of the words we are using.

I recently heard an argument where one person accused another person of saying something, possibly years ago. The boy remembered what the girl said, because it really hurt him, but the girl forgot it entirely and denied it. In another interaction I was present in, one of the people said some things to the other person that didn't seem to be too much of a big deal to the person who said it, but to me, seemed to be poisonous and numbing. If someone said those words to me, I would probably feel crippled, become clinically depressed and then turn into a psychopath. This made me think about some of the bridges I burnt in the past with my words. I deliberately burnt some of them, and others were just burnt due to my stupidity. And, when I was reminded of some of the things I said during some of those times, it made me cringe. And I realised that no matter what I do, I can't take the words back. It doesn't matter if I'm nice to that person for the next ten years - it won't take away the poison from the words I've already used.

Sometimes I forget that kindness isn't just something that used to exist in the past. No matter what happens, we should still hold onto that side of us that make people smile and love.

The prophet said: “Nothing will be heavier on the Day of Resurrection in the Scale of the believer than good manners. Allah hates one who utters foul or coarse language.” (Tirmidhi)