Motherhood

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Time

I just realised my last several posts are about my assignments. I do often feel slightly delusional because of them. I have one due today and I am trying to finish as fast as possible so that I can get to my thousand other chores but my mind went blank and now I am here. Some people around me constantly remind me how other people seem to balance more things on their plate and they glide through life without stressing. This makes me feel inadequate. I need to learn to just focus on my life and not worry about other people's perception of it. The problem is, my life sometimes needs to be based on other people's perception because those are the people I am trying to keep happy. That sounds ridiculous now that I typed it out. Why do I need to keep them happy?

I need to renew my intentions. Shaytan gets in the way and reminds me of the things I do wrong on a daily basis, reminding me that I miss out on the most basic worships, so what good would renewing intentions do. That also sounds ridiculous after typing it out! Allah is Al-Afu', Al-Mujib, Al-Wadood. Allah is Al-Lateef.

I feel panicked at the thought of the list of things I need to do. Miffy told me once that my perception of my abilities should not stop me from doing anything, because Allah is the One that enables, and His abilities are infinite. Time can be a flexible concept, filled with or lacking of barakah.

Anxiety

I swing between panics out of feelings of uselessness and lack of time. I have a lot on my plate right now (note to self: be careful what you wish for) and although during the day I glide through chores happily, night times remind me how much I still have left to do. M is sleeping peacefully now. I have a cup of tea and I am planning to do my assignment that was due yesterday, but I am also feeling panicked at the thought of the long day I have ahead of me tomorrow. I have help, I know. But why does it still feel so lonely?

Nights

We are leaving for M's first international trip in a few hours inshaallah! I am excited and a bit nervous, it wasn't too long ago that I was one of those people on the plane that got annoyed at a crying baby (or at the parent). I am not really sure how she will fare on a ten hour journey. Inshaallah it goes well.

I feel super relaxed right now. Both M and Mr H are sleeping. I had a long shower and I finally smell good! It took me a good hour to brush out my hair and another hour to scrub myself. M slept through it alhamdulillah. Because I feel super relaxed, I can't sleep. So I got myself a cup of tea and I am going to try and work on yet another assignment. I have written about 500 words out of 2000 and its due in ten days. I should be fine inshaallah I hope!

Time

I wrote 827 words. I don't really know what else to write but I definitely need to make it up to 2000 today. I also need to reference and finalise the essay. We've got a lunch and a dinner invite tomorrow and a henna invite the day after. We are staying over at my parents' tomorrow night. I have so many other assignments to do. I need to clean up our living space too. I need to run some errands on Monday if possible. I need to make some phone calls and book a few appointments. I need to cut my nails and brush up on my fiqh.

So much to do, so little time.

Essays

I finished the essay that's due on the 28th of July, except for referencing. Inshaallah I will do that after the 24th. My brain was feeling overloaded with the content and I could no longer understand what I've been writing. So I started the essay that's due on the 24th of July. I have five days. Two of which are weekends, which means, absolutely zero time for uni work. I've been telling myself that a crappy-okay-ish job is better than not doing it at all. I wrote about 250 words out of 2000 words. M fell asleep and I have my chocolate ready to go, although, a cup of cappa in just the right temperature and texture and taste would have been divine right now. Oh well. 

Ease

I have to finish three assignments for my masters in the next 5 weeks. I always find these things so difficult until I finish it, and even then I'm not sure until I actually get the mark back. So the bottom line is, if Allah helps, anything becomes easy and until He helps, things will keep being difficult.

Songs for M - 1

I made this up on the way back from work on the 3rd of December, 2016. You were inside me for about five months by then.

You make my tummy flutter,
You're my little butterfly.
You make my heartbeat quicker,
With the light that flickers in your eyes.
And in my minds eye,
I can see your tiny hands;
And when you grow up
I hope you understand -
How much I loved you from this moment on,
Even before you were born.

P.S: She was 10.5 weeks in that last post. She's 11 weeks now! Already losing count. 

9.5

M is nine and a half weeks now. The crazy hormonal thoughts have almost subsided, alhamdulillah. I still do get the occasional bouts of irrational thoughts, but Mr H has been absolutely great about it. He buys me chocolate and let me keep all the money that M got on Eid. My caffeine finances for 2017 sorted!

M shows her recognition quite well these days - she flashes the biggest smile her tiny face can hold and throws her arms and legs around. This morning, while she lay on the bed and I sat at the computer trying to get started on an essay, she stared at me with super sad eyes. Every time I made eye contact, she smiled so bright that I almost gave up on my work. She coos and aahs with anybody that would spare the time for her. My mum is amazing at talking to M - she responds to her so, so well! She spent the last four days with her cousins in a different state, Z, now 5, and K, nearly 2. Z and K loved to talk to her as well, and M loved the attention.

I need to start filling out M's baby book regularly and properly. There are some things that are not relevant, I am thinking I can stick photos on top of those. I need to start compiling her photos and print them out. I ordered some books from book depository for M. I am thinking I will also make an anthology of poetry for her. Words that I love, bound for her, to read whenever she wants, if she wants. 

And then she came.

Little M was born at 3.17 PM on Friday the 21st of April. When I went into labour, I realised two things:
- Dua is an amazing tool. I made dua for an easy and quick labour without any pain medication and a natural birth. I got all of it alhamdulillah. Looking back, I don't know how I survived the contractions towards the end, but I did. Allah eased and facilitated it for me.
- Allah facilitated something for me that's considered to be one the most painful pains in the world and he allowed me to go through it without any sort of pain killers at all. Anything else I would ever face would possibly be less painful (physically at least).

I had strange sensations of deja vu for a day or two after the birth. I can't explain it now, but I had random images in my head, images of places or situations from my life, right from my childhood to the present, and my body would feel like it's almost paralysed, and my mind would feel numb of some sort. I felt very lost and scared for about a week, always worried that something will go wrong. Alhamdulillah, that time passed.

I had a good day today. Everyday seems to be different. Some days are good, some not so much. Some days - I feel like, okay, I've finally got the hang of it. Some days I feel absolutely incompetent. A mother I hold very close to my heart told me, motherhood is a lonely journey.

No one else can ever really know what its like.

Underneath my feet

I am really enjoying this journey, most of the time. I feel like I am hiding a secret inside me, a secret that is almost unknown to me too. I feel like I share a special connection to something that I don't know or understand yet. It feels incredibly honouring, nothing like anything I have ever felt before. At the same time, this mystery - an unknown future - is incredibly terrifying. I hear that your children are your best teachers. They are a reflection of who you are, there's no saying how they will become, but you keep trying and trying and trying and there's no right way to do it, but there's lots of wrong ways, but you cannot give up. That is unlike anything I am every experienced. Unlike any other tests that I have had. To be fair, I have not been tested massively so far. I am looking forward to it. Looking forward to this journey that will potentially, hopefully with change me, us, for the better and lunge us into Jannah. 

Reminder

This world is meant to be a test - short lived and at times, ugly. Sometimes we do things that surprise us, or maybe it doesn't, but makes us hate ourselves. Sometimes we fall so deep that we look up at the mouth of the hole in despair, wondering how we will ever make it up again. Yasmin Mogahed wrote something a very long time ago that I still remember from time to time - something along the lines of - when you sink to the bottom of the ocean, that's when its time to collect some pearls.

I thought I will be strong for M. Everyday that I get up and do my work, work on my assignments, clean up, learn Arabic, exercise and eat healthy, I am reminded that if I can set an example for M, if I do this for M, it'll all be worth it. But I think I have been getting it wrong. I am falling into the trap that so many other people fall into. About three years ago, I asked a middle aged man why his wife is slaving away for something that is not necessary to provide for their grown children, and he replied - everything we do is for our children, isn't it? At that time,  I knew he was wrong. My parents have never made us feel that everything they do is for us. They have a separate life to us. Everything they do, they do for Allah. And that's how it should be. We blame ourselves when we fall short when we don't put our eggs in the right basket, when we have hope for the wrong things.

No matter how many times you fall, He promises He will pick you up again, if you have the right attitude.

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: I heard the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) say: “A person committed a sin and said: ‘My Lord, I have sinned; forgive me.’ His Lord said: ‘Is My slave acknowledging that he has a Lord Who forgives sins and punishes for them? I have forgiven My slave.’ Then as much time passed as Allah willed, then he committed a sin and said, ‘My Lord, I have sinned; forgive me.’ His Lord said: ‘Is My slave acknowledging that he has a Lord Who forgives sins and punishes for them? I have forgiven My slave.’ Then as much time passed as Allah willed, then he committed a sin and said, ‘My Lord, I have sinned; forgive me.’ His Lord said: ‘Is My slave acknowledging that he has a Lord Who forgives sins and punishes for them? I have forgiven My slave,’ – three times…” [al-Bukhari, Muslim].

And He will provide, He will provide.

‘Ask forgiveness from your Lord, verily, He is Oft Forgiving; He will send rain to you in abundance. And give you increase in wealth and children, and bestow on you gardens and bestow on you rivers.” [Nuh 71:10-12]

“If anyone constantly seeks pardon (from Allah), Allah will appoint for him a way out of every distress and a relief from every anxiety, and will provide sustenance for him from where he expects not.” [Abu Dawud].

Him (written on 20th April 2016)

'You're pretty.' He said.

He didn't see the freckles

or the falling hair.

He didn't see her creases

that she hated so much.

Instead,

he traced her broken skin,

healed her broken heart,

'You're pretty', he said.

He traced the creases on her skin.

Tucked hair behind her ear.

He is a cliche.

He takes care of me,

even though I'm twenty five.

He forgets dates

(But then, so do I).

He makes me laugh,

takes my hand,

and 

shows me the world

He doesn't pretend to be it.

He is a cliche,

But I wouldn't have it

any other way.

Doubts

They are tears that only spill at night
The urge to silence yourself in stillness
Your crooked eyebrows and disbelieving eyes
Songs and words mixing together
inside your head.
They are crumpled up papers in your brain
Lists made and thrown away
Promises made and broken
They are your tired wrists and paining shins
Nostalgia for a time long gone
Sleepless nights and meaningless words.

Heart

My heart beats faster,
Because you are there.
No, really, my heart is beating for you.
Beating to keep you alive,
Beating to make you grow,
Beating as its beat by yours.
Your heart beats faster than mine.
But, what do you know about the world?
You are only the size of my palm.
Safe, tucked inside.
Your heart will slow
when you know the truth.
Bitter, dark, tear jerking reality.
But,
I hope you can still keep the other heart alive.
The one that matters.
In the inside of inside of inside of you.

Weight and all

Ever since I hit puberty, I have been a little to the overweight side. My BMI was near the end of the 'healthy' range and there were fat in places that I hated them to be in. I was the heaviest out of my siblings despite being the youngest. My mum had always been conscious of her health. She made sure that she ate the right foods and had a routine to her life. Since I was the opposite, I always got told off for my habits. Gaining twenty kilos in one year, the year that I reached puberty, did not help either. Instead of helping myself in doing something about it, I continued to gain weight all throughout my high school years until I gained ten more kilos by the end of HSC. I took comfort in eating. I took further comfort in eating by myself, watching or reading something - which led to many hours of mindless eating throughout those years. 

When I started university, one of my common conversations with some of my friends was our need of losing weight, eating less and exercising. It never happened. Until one of my friends did join a gym about four and a half years ago. It was a women-only gym, which interested me. I ended up joining about half a year later, with the thought of now-or-never. I was tutoring or ABA therapying (can't remember), so I was earning very little. But whatever money I was earning went in gymming, phone payment and other commitments. I started to gym regularly a few months after I joined. I went about 2-3 times a week and stayed for maximum one hour. I still ate bad food though, which made me feel very guilty afterwards. Slowly, I started to reduce the bad food that I was eating - less oil, less rice for dinner and no snacks before bed. I started to drink a lot more water. The only bad thing that I had was chocolate - but I really couldn't get rid of that. I did lessen my intake quantity and frequency though.

Out of the ten kilos that I gained in high school, five was gained during HSC. Four of that was easily lost in the first year of university, because my university required a lot of walking to go from one side to another (twenty mins of walking to be exact!). I still had the other six on and I felt terrible about it. When I started to gym, within about a year and a bit, I lost the other six, and two more. I stopped gymming after I got married due to distance to the gym that I used to go to. Alhamdulillah, the habits that were developed during that year and a half stayed with me more or less and I didn't end up gaining any weight in the last two and a half years. 

Until now. I gained two kilos. I have a little lime inside me now. 

I hope my lime grows up with good habits, learns from mistakes and forgives others.  

PS: I went to Fernwood. I would gladly recommend that gym to anyone I know. They have excellent staff, resources, child care facilities, a very nice change room/shower facilities and they respected privacy more than any others I know. 

Anxiety

I need a break from my mind

From those thoughts that rise up like magic tricks

Bursting into a million pieces

Before I can trace their roots.

I need to break out of this cycle

Of trying to figure out why

And then the why of that why

And then the why of that why of that why

The made up becauses

It doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matt-

But it does.

It's not real it's not real it's not re-

But it is.

I need a switch that I could flick

every time the voice refuses to silence.

bl-l-a-rgh

Right now, I am trying to write report comments for my kids. I don't know why I thought this would be easy and quick, this is not easy nor quick. I have been so tired from work that my brain is not functioning well either, regardless of the coffee. Also, why am I able to write a blog post and not report comments?

Advice

Nothing feels worse than the feeling of uselessness and worthlessness. When you feel like quitting, just remind yourself of the times when you sat in the exact same position, in front of your laptop, looking out the window, thinking about how useless you feel right now and thinking up of ways to make yourself useful. Now that the plate is completely full, be thankful for it. Be thankful for the busyness and use the free time wisely. This is what you always wanted.

Everything in life is a test and a blessing. Respond well, and you will not turn into the bitter old woman you fear. 

Words

Words don't flow any more
They seem to be hidden, maybe lost
somewhere deep within me.
Words refuse to be my friend,
to help me out when I need them the most.
To stop the tears.
To make the ache disappear.
To mediate between us.
Words ran away to their mouths;
They dribble from their pens;
but refuse to be even pulled out from mine.
I thought I knew how to write,
I thought I knew how to rhyme,
I thought I knew how to bend feelings into letters.
But,
words don't flow any more.

Anxiety

One of the children I know is okay to speak when she is with her friends, but gets very quiet when she has to speak in front of a large group of people. She starts crying every time she encounters something difficult. She can't answer questions she knows the answer to when she starts crying. I wish I could tell her that I know how it feels. I know how it feels to feel like you can't breathe because your brain feels clogged up and everything in the world seems to be against you. I tell her everything will be okay. Just to calm down, drink some water and start again. She seems to be doing better - she went to the canteen person all by herself to ask for her lunch order, and she was so happy about it! She came running to me and told me the good news. 

She isn't the only one who feels that way. There's a few other children I know who seem to have anxiety issues. I can't remember having them when I was little, maybe I did, but I can't remember. But now that I am older and experience these issues all the time, I know how it feels like. I wish I could hug them tight everyday and let them know that everything will be okay. Allah will take care of them. 

Teaching and everything else

I am up at this ungodly hour doing an assignment and thinking about my kids and thinking about all the things that I have to do and trying to do my reading for my assignment. And then it hit me (again) - I love what I do! I am super busy these days but alhamdulillah I am absolutely loving it. I love teaching, I love learning about teaching and I love everything that comes with it. I love my family, I love my husband and I love everything that comes with them too. Right now, I feel like I have way too much on my plate, but I don't feel terrible about it because I love the things on it!

I feel like sometimes I feel very negative about everything. This is an advice to me for those times. When I feel negative, I need to think about everything I love.

- My loving family
- My super supportive, perfect (for me) husband
- Innocence that my (school) kids bring into my life
- The amazing potential that every single one of those children are carrying within themselves
- Thinking up of ways to tap into these potentials

Even though sometimes I feel like I am not doing anything to serve Allah through serving humanity any more, I need to remember that I am. I am doing it everyday at work, or at least, I have the potential to. I just need to take that opportunity everyday that it is given to me.

PS: The following words were sitting in a draft post written exactly 2 months ago - 9th January 2016. My mind really seems to rollercoaster...

--

Sometimes, words like 'inspire' and 'dreams' and 'twinkle' and 'reach' seem too used. They seem like words that used to mean something once upon a time, but have entered and left my life so many times that even the thought of them makes me roll my eyes. "That's unrealistic, you know that right?" I told him today. "We can never do it."

"You have such a negative energy with you right now." He said.

When did our roles reverse? Why does he get to be the one with the twinkle in his eyes and dream of change? When did I become so tired of smiling in hope and began smiling only in social situations? After all, he is the accountant and I am the teacher.

What am I going to teach my children if I don't teach them to dream? What use will they have in folding laundry and cooking chicken, except for mere survival? How will they become astronauts and doctors and inventors if the only thing they learn off me is that being an adult means you don't think about being those things?

I had this realisation today. I have been edging towards it for a few days I guess, but I could only word my concern today. But this isn't the first time I have thought such a way, and I am assuming I am not the only one.

Adulting

I started to teach six year olds for five days a week. There's about thirty of them in a room and they are with me for more than seven hours everyday. There's the ones that hug me whenever they can, they ones that write beautifully, the ones that look at me with believing eyes. And then there's the ones that seem to only have energy for running, the ones that don't wash their hands properly and the ones that come to school with all the germs in the world. Today is my first day off after a full week, and I am so, so tired. My legs feel like they will fall off. My throat is sore. I haven't been able to sleep properly. And I constantly feel like time is running out. On top of that, my weekends have never been free, in fact, they were my busiest times for the past year and a half almost. 

So, this should be interesting...

Imaginary friends

Z's imaginary friend is called 'babyr baba' and sometimes she talks to him on the phone (possibly because she grew up watching the women around her talk to their baby's baba on the phone). He's a doctor (coincidentally, so is her dad!) and works at a hospital. He also lives in London (possibly sourced from her great uncle and aunty's visit from London). Today, she told me he has no nose. And that he's a fish. And he has a tail.

We pretended to be lions today. It was Z's idea - I was just being silly and making sounds with my mouth, and she asked me, 'are you a lion?'.
'Yes.'
'me too!'
'I'm a khammi lion.'
'And I'm a baby lion.'

Then it was dogs, turtles, cows and giraffes.

She told me that she remembers my wedding - but the only thing she remembers is that I wore a sari and had a big round thing on my forehead. Then we looked through my wedding photos together, and she got so happy seeing herself in them!

She slept on my bed this afternoon. When she sleeps, she curls up, like I do. She's like me in so many ways. She remembers words, remembers the way they feel. Her imagination is much more vivid though. I can't remember having an imaginary friend that early.

Growing up

Today is my first proper day off after I officially started working. I have done a few things here and there - tutoring, ABA therapy, chucking leaflets at mailboxes - but that was when I got paid in two digits. Getting paid in four digits is a whole different deal. There's contracts to sign and long term future to think about. I have to iron my clothes before I wear them to work, make sure I get in the car early enough to get there on time and all other grown up things that come along with it. But I still feel like the same old L with a messy room and comfort chocolate stash in my drawer.

I am flying off again today! Mr H told me to start a travel blog and I don't think its such a bad idea. There's always new people that we meet and different things we learn, or relearn. I feel like my writing skills have declined though. I want to start writing poetry again but I am not sure how to string the right words together any more. Maybe this is a side effect of becoming an adult?

I realised something today. Irrespective of a two digit or a four digit pay, I always seem to be broke. It has been 8 days since I got paid and I don't seem to have much money left at all. I realised this will always be the case. Even if you earn a six digit salary, you will still feel like its leaving you too fast, because your commitments will increase. This is why I hate the concept of money. We work so hard to increase those numbers in our bank account, but they decrease so, so easily. This is why if you only work for money you would never, ever be happy. I know this is a classic cliche, but yes, I just had that realisation again.

I need to read The Little Prince again.

Remembering

Thoughts

I remember, there was a time when I wished time would go faster because there was nothing that I could do at that moment. There was nothing that I wanted to do, there was nothing I felt motivated for. I binge watched TV shows not to relax, but to have something to do. I wrote pages and pages of excessive and misplaced emotions in diaries that are now crushed into pulps. I talked to people that I shouldn't simply because I was bored. When I think about that now, I feel a deep sense of gratitude coming from within me for where I am now. Alhamdulillah, I have absolutely no free time to kill. I was given the opportunity to go to Hajj this year (which deserves a post of its own), but after I came back, I could see the effects. I could see myself being more confident, solid. Something I haven't felt for a while. I could feel the effects of 'La Hawla Wa La Quwwata Illa Billah' again. And I really, really wish every single person could feel it, or at least, everyone I love. The pain of loneliness, boredom and ingratitude is worse than the pains that pierce you outside while your heart is at rest. 

Clarity

TA can use her words so incredibly well. We only ever talk over whatsapp - in our years of friendship, I can only remember having coffee with her a couple of times. The most amount of face to face time we had was probably during our wedding. Yet, she can somehow tell when I am a little bit under the weather.

Here's a little draft of something else I wrote in light of my convo with TA today:

The world inside my head is blurry.

It used to be clear

Before you walked in.

I had my pen, lined paper

and thoughts.

I had my eyes, two feet

and a cup of coffee.

I formed words easily - 

I could hear them talk

without listening to them.

I could smile with bright eyes

without letting them peak inside.

You ripped me apart,

blurred my vision,

took the words, and,

Began reigning inside my head.

Donkey

I have another assignment due tomorrow night. It's a set of reflective papers, which were, ironically, supposed to be blogged in four hundred words over the span of six weeks. I was consistent for two of the weeks. Currently, I am finishing off the third one. I still have three more to go. This is due tomorrow night. I am screwed. If I did one reading everyday, taking some notes, and writing the pot at the end of the week, it would have taken me an hour a day, maximum. Now it shall be an allnighter. This is for the future you, L, please learn from your mistakes. The awesome thing about being married is that you can go on unreasonable rants and take out all of your stresses on someone else. Mr H is excellent at handling my rants.

Now - caffeine and eyes.

Faking it

I have a knack for burning bridges really fast. Looking back at my life, I have probably burnt more bridges than I sustained, leaving very few people from my past into my current life. Except for my family and a few friends here and there, most people in my current life are new. I am not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing, or neither. I guess it means that I change with the people around me and so I stop relating to people that I previously could, so, we slowly drift. Often times I have consciously cut people off my life - people that I knew will keep having a negative impact on me as time goes by.

What's the first thought on your mind when you wake up?

Here's a very rough draft of something:

We rush through life like a race
Set to start when thinking starts
Must be better, must be faster,
Must ignore our beating hearts.
They tell you how you should proceed
First comes this and then comes that
Must not mess with the order of things
Must not stop for idle chat.
Gather your wealth and use your eggs
Don't put them all in one basket
You are the only one you need, they said,
But they are the ones you must please.

Him.

He makes me feel like a teenager and as if we've been together for a lifetime, all at the same time. Sometime in the past year, he propped himself hard and fast in the best-friend seat, and is refusing to move. He buys me chocolate, makes me laugh, holds me when I cry and pushes me off the bed when I should really be finishing my assignment instead of sleeping. He also thinks I look like Katie Holmes, which is hilarious. Recently, he has fallen in love with the newest member of our family - Z's little sister - which just makes me love him more. Also, he buys me cool things like coffee mugs and wall planners.

Social media

Social media is terrible. When you see smiling faces while you are having a crappy day, you start to think that everyone else is always happy while you are always sad. When your friends are putting up photos of the excellent times they are spending with their significant other, you forget about all the great times that you've had because the only place the photos exist in are your phones. 

Things that are happening

I started my masters! I have an essay due on Monday, so, I should have finished it by now and be in bed fast asleep, but I have not. Have not started writing. And just read through the wiki page for The Shining. And then I read ayatul Qursi to make myself less scared.

Asked T to unscare me over whatsapp and this was her response:
Rainbows lollipops
Sunshine
Man with knife bursting through the doorway
Teddy bear
Hugs and pillows

WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT.

Time to get back to essay.

Z

I wish I could protect her from the world. The dark, smelly, hurtful world that would teach her that she needs to scratch her way to the top. I wish I could let her know that there is no competition for the love of people who mattered - and those who you need to earn the love of but never seem to be able to - they don't matter. I wish I could tell her that she was never inside me, but she was always my first love. She stole a bit of my heart even before she was born, and had been stealing a little more of it every now and then. Now that I am so far away from her - I feel the tug at my heartstring, every now and then, a sharp tug that almost brings tears. She is only a tiny bit over three now, and, I feel like she is already feeling the sharpness of the jagged ends of the world. 

Random thought

Today is one of those days - everything is going right, no one is home and I am alone with my thoughts. Days like this makes you realise that this world is an illusion in its entirety. People that you love fade, things that you have break and words that you say are forgotten. Everyone and everything moves on, and some day, this world will move on without you too. In the grand scheme of things, whether you found the perfect job, or finished a degree, or married the right guy, doesn't matter.

It all comes back to purpose. If things, people and actions serve their purpose, then they weren't a waste.

Nostalgia
Penguins and vampires
India, train, chocolate and poetry
Breakfast at Tiffany's
Alter ego
Primary school
Rain
Friday night rebellion
gchat
Rampura roof
Tea stall at midnight
Failing uni
Art
Crashing into a tree
Dents
Regrets
Circular quay

Bits and pieces of memory pop up and take you by a wave of emotion. 

Nonsensical poetry

This is something silly that I came up with a couple of days ago. I wrote without thinking about what I wrote, or without editing.

Poetry is words that fall off my tongue
Not the words that should be sung
in joy and peace
Rather words that have no other place to go
Words that are used to hearing no.
Poetry is pain from my heart
Not the ones that are turned into art
with colours running everywhere
ending with love and care.
Poetry is blood on my hands
They will never understand
The way maps are drawn with those words
Poetry is sharp like a sword
Poetry is blunt like a knife
And hard like your life
And high like the sky
And free like the tears that you cry.

In other news - my last ever undergrad exam inshaallah is this Thursday! and Ramadan starts this Thursday (give or take a moon)! Masters starts in about 2 weeks!

Its raining now.

Adulthood

I don't like the distinction between an adult and a child, in the way that our society outlines it. When you are an adult, you are supposed to lose the light in your eyes because you see the world more clearly, supposedly. You are supposed to know that money is what makes the world go around and you are not supposed to trust people easily. You are supposed to do a balancing act between your job, family, social life and everything in between, but to 'other' people, you are supposed to seem happy and alright most of the time, if not all the time. Not having some of these is a sign of immaturity. But I hate that concept! 

Reflections

Its important to speak to people in their language. You can be speaking the same language, but essentially, be speaking completely differently, which in fact, is almost as if you're speaking a different language. We did a case study about this once - an Aboriginal woman who was raped was not given her rights by court because she didn't speak the way they did, even though, both parties were speaking in English. She didn't have the same mannerisms, didn't use certain words in certain contexts, etcetera. I think I am beginning to understand that lately. When you speak to someone, you need to observe the way they speak, first, before you speak, in order to increase the chances of them understanding you completely. There are a lot of people in my life right now that I don't know how to do that with, yet. But our whole life is one big learning process, isn't it.

Its also important to recognise the difference between listening to advice and taking it. Everyone has a different situation that they are dealing with, and everyone is at different points in their life. Its important to recognise that some people have gotten bitter through experience, and they will give advice out of their own bitterness. But, yes, life can be bitter sometimes, and sometimes a bit sour, but life can be sweet too. We need to be thankful for the sweet times and be patient through the rest, and be grateful to Allah for His infinite wisdom for laying life out the way it is.

Sometimes, its hard to hear nature above all the clutters of the world. But we have a secret sound within us that we often miss - the sound of breathing. Its the sound that tells us we're living, and it almost sounds like the ocean inside a spiral shell. Sometimes, we just need to stop and hear ourselves breathe.

The mundanes - 2

I think I'm coming down with a flu. I have been coughing those phlegm-y coughs for the past few weeks, but it wasn't until last night that I felt like my entire head and nose area had been blocked off. I thought I was going to die last night, which was pretty scary, because when you think you are going to die, you start to take an account of all the things you've done in your life, and feel unprepared.

But, alhamdulillah, I did wake up this morning. We don't really have anything on today except for a dinner at night, so my plan was to make breakfast, wash some clothes, make tea for myself and immerse myself in stats for the rest of the day. This is the only subject that I'm doing this semester, and this is my 2nd time doing this one, so I really, really, really want to do well. The rotis that I attempted to make turned out terribly (they were fine with it, of course, they're awesome people!) and my tea ended up being cold and runny. Clothes are drying well though.

I started reading my stats notes and realised that nothing is going in and I keep having to use tissues and I began to feel like my eyes are heating up and body is heating up but also feeling too cold. Got another cup of tea with lemon, ginger, honey and all, called my mum and sorted through my notes. Mr H wants to go shopping for a few things he needs but I don't think I can get up at all.

One thing I realised recently - my in laws and my parents are very different in nature. The secret of being happy is to nurture people's nature, and not oppose it. My problem is that I tend to become like the people I am around, which is hard when you have different kinds of people around, because then your mind becomes confused as to which one you should become like. But I think its an advantage for people like me - it forces us to shape our own selves ourselves. 

The good things in life

I'm quite liking my life right now. On Mondays, I teach scripture at a local primary school, tutor and mentor a high school kid and have fiqh classes at night. On Tuesdays, I come to uni for the whole day for two hours of class and a few more hours of working on assignments and extra questions, sometimes catching up with my sister for lunch or so. On Wednesdays, its scripture again at a different primary school. One or two nights a week, I stay with my parents. Every second Friday, I teach 3-4 young kids about Islam while their parents attend their own night lessons. Sundays are busy with teaching and learning as well. I'm tired most nights and cherish the little bit of time that I have to curl up with a book and some chocolate. I cherish my family so much more now that I am away from them, and I try to make sure that I give them quality time when I am over there. I can feel Allah's blessings on me right now, and hope that I can be grateful for it. I remember, for about 8 months or so last year, I did nothing productive regularly and I kept feeling like the least useful person around. It made me realise that it is a blessing to be useful to someone and to be busy doing meaningful things. And that is only possible if one is given the opportunity to, so its something that we should be grateful for.

What I love more, is that Mr H is being quite productive with his life too. We enjoy learning together, and teaching together, now. He encourages me to be better to my family and I hope I do the same. I was supposed to go to Baba's work for something, yesterday. Mr H suggested that I have a coffee with him before my errands, he said that Baba would love it. I felt a bit weird doing it at first, because Baba and I have very similar personalities - slightly awkward around most people, even family, and both of us like our own space and company. Both of us are quite good at teaching, or doing anything that requires talking 'at' a group of people, but we can get quite awkward when its 1-1 interaction in something like a coffee setting, no matter who it is. But, I know that Baba is more awkward than I am, which is why its easier for me to talk to him (lol). Anyway so, I didn't end up going early enough for a coffee, even though I really wanted to, so I made a mental note to do so the next time I need to go into his work.

This morning, I walked straight to the food court after reaching uni, desperately needing a coffee to stay awake - and I see Baba sitting at the food court! My dad - with all his white hair and glasses and that smile - was drinking tea and eating hot chips at the last place I thought I'd see him. He came for an excursion with his students (which he forgot to tell me - another trait I share with him). So, I got to have that coffee date with my father that I wanted to have the day before. And I talked away like I used to when he used to pick me up from school - I talked about my uni work, the burnt chicken and spilt tea from the day before and everything in between. The awesome thing is, I wouldn't do this if Mr H did not suggest it in the first place. 

The mundanes

This morning I woke up, prayed, lazed around a little bit, dreamt about a zombie apocalypse, forgot to iron Mr H's shirt, showered, cleaned room (which took so-o-o long!), stuffed a lot of things in my bag, got dropped off by Mr H's mum to the station, changed some plans, caught the train, met a girl I haven't seen for ages on the train, got a $35 coupon for some health store for free at the station, played 2048 on the bus, got a coffee and came to the library.   

I just took a sip from my small cappuccino with one sugar, bought from the library lawn coffee cart. And nostalgia rushed over me - that feeling of walking in with a coffee cup to study physiology, or that group study for multiple choice final exam for first year psych, the heart racing times from neuroscience and the calming feeling of sorting through thoughts at the library. I love how we associate particular bits of senses with particular memories. The feeling that comes with this paper cup filled with cappuccino is quite comforting.

The other interesting thing I've noticed about this is that the memories that I have before marriage are associated with very different things from memories post-marriage. So, all my crushes meld into one, while Mr H is always different. All my insecurities are on one side and the feeling of security is on the other. Comfort of loneliness is separate from the comfort of being one half of a whole.

Something happened today which made me appreciate the saying that Allah's plans are better than ours. I planned out this whole week early last week, and I thought everything will go according to plan, keeping everyone happy, balancing well, and basically - living the nice, balanced life that I dream of having. But it was a good reminder to myself that nothing will ever go according to our plans if Allah does not will it. Its a good slap in the face for the ego, which seems to think it knows best.

"And never say of anything, 'Indeed, I will do that tomorrow,' except [when adding], “If Allah wills.” And remember your Lord when you forget [it] and say, “Perhaps my Lord will guide me to what is nearer than this to right conduct.” (Quran: Chapter 18, verse 23-24). 

Things I didn't appreciate about my parents while growing up

But should have.

1. They made us think we were poor and we have to answer for every dollar we spent and every resource we use. The concept of not wasting resources is now etched in our minds.

2. They consistently did some things every single day, like praying properly, reading Quran everyday.

3. Our family time was not TV time - it was when we sat together talking about God and our issues with life, once a week.

4. We always had to have dinner together, no matter who was busy doing what. And you could not go to bed without dinner.

How I feel right now

Journeys and belonging, and all that shiz

We went on a coffee date today. He said he notices my face more now. Then I went to a bookshop and picked out two books and asked him whether I can have them as a (very early) birthday present and he said yes. I am trying to return to my state of no (or, low) expectations and learning to appreciate everything and it feels excellent. The trouble with me is, I naturally expect everyone else around me or everyone close to me to be on the same page or at least on board with whatever I am doing. The result is that I either push people away or be disappointed. But that is a terribly unhealthy place to be at. I need to accept that I might be at a different place to everyone else, and I inevitably will be, and I just need to go on with life the way I feel is best. Life is short and no one else will be there with me when I die. Why wait on others?

I got my hen's party scrapbook the other day from NC. I'm pretty sure I've talked about Miffy before - she is an amazing person that I look up to a lot. She doesn't wait on others to get things done or get her off her backside, when she wants to do something, she does it. She didn't go through university and she doesn't let it bother her or interrupt her from advancing through her projects, which is pretty unusual for a girl from a sub-continental background, amongst whom the idea that 'secular studies = success' is ingrained. She has a project called Muslim Life Hackers, which has about 5000 likes on Facebook. So, Miffy said that she was inspired to start because her and I were talking about this blog of mine a long time ago, and when she asked me whether I felt any inhibition putting myself out there on here, running the risk of my personal stuff being read by people from my professional life, apparently I said, "who cares?". To know that those two words inspired her, inspires me. I have become a lot more inhibited lately and I plan to come out of it soon.

I guess the inhibition comes from being in a new kind of environment where everyone else is pretty much inhibited, i.e: being in the adult world. I don't like the terms 'adult' and 'child' separating two worlds though. Why can't I be uninhibited, innocent and creative while moving through the different stages of my life? Why do I have to "grow up" the way society wants me to, and enter my grave in a state of dissatisfaction? Also, how do I know that I will die at eighty or so? What if I die tomorrow? What good would being inhibited do me? Nothing.

I love that Mr. H is supporting me in this journey to become more of the better parts of who I used to be. But, even if he stops at any point, I should still keep going. We are all individuals.

Domesticity

I wrote a few lines of poetry after a very long time, yesterday. I almost forgot that I used to write. I almost can't remember what it was like to not let real life get in the way of myself (not that this is a good thing, but its usually the more attractive option). I was inspired by a friend who also writes.

Cut through me, all the way to my essence.
Spoon out some love from its jar,
Compassion and passion
Pour them into the hole you made.
Do not alarm yourself if a couple of tears and
A few drops of blood and sweat
Drip onto your hands.
They'll tell you
I'm alive.

Most of my poetry have a particular reason behind them, and only I know the reason. For example, I had a fight with my mum and wrote the one that started with 'stuck in a stalemate' about five years ago. I didn't write down the reason behind it anywhere, but I still remembered imageries from the poem. I can't even remember what the fight was about, but I remember the feeling and the pictures that formed in my mind. 

Right now, I am sipping on a tea in front of the fan while writing. The tea packet claims that it 'will have you feeling absolutely peachy. The peachy feeling you get from recharging in the sun while the world is on mute. Except for the radio, which appears to be playing your favourite song'. I'm not listening to the radio right now, but how is the description so perfect? That is exactly how I was feeling when I got the tea and started to write, with the world on mute and all.

Our stove isn't working. The car has a massive scratch, due to me, which is getting rusted right now. The house has ants here and there, not exactly sure why. I still have at least three years to finish studying. The milk and bread went off sometime between two days ago and this morning. There is a pile of clothes to wash, plates and cups to rearrange and furniture to dust. 

Every turn a surprise

I used to be a person with a huge personal space. I was a bit of a keyboard warrior, a bit of a keyboard counsellor and a bit a of an escapist (I still am a bit of an escapist I think :/...). But sharing a space with another person, almost constantly, almost everyday reduces that need for such a big personal space. I still like having a coffee by myself every now and then, but I don't feel as much of a need for it as I did before. I don't write as much, instead, we talk. We have a shared to-do list on a whiteboard at the back of our door. I tell him about my ridiculous nightmares and he listens. He tells me about his work and I get excited for him (even though he says its boring, but I can see he loves it). We daydream together. He accidentally says terribly romantic things, like, 'You have beautiful eyes', or, 'I am lucky to have you as my wife'. I accidentally used his toothbrush a few times, and didn't feel grossed out. His favourite song is 'a whole new world' from Aladdin. He sings it for me sometimes, and I feel like he is right. He is showing me the world. I don't think I completely understand him yet and I don't think he completely understands me yet but that's the fun part of planning to be together for the rest of your lives - you understand each other a little more everyday.

Baba

I think I have began to appreciate Baba more after getting married. I have always admired, respected and loved him; when I was little, I used to think he was the best person in the entire world - the one with the cleanest heart. He doesn't complain, lives with hope and enjoys both the company of others and his own. I still love watching his face as he explains things from the Quran. When he reads, he bobs his head involuntarily. We grew up hearing wives complain about how their husbands pick on their cooking, but never saw one such example at home. We grew up hearing that our friends are afraid of their dad's, but could never relate to it. Whenever something heavy needed to be lifted, or a cockroach needed to be killed, Baba was there. He showed us who real men are - strong, brave, wise and comforting. 

Another friend of Mr H got married yesterday. Saw lots of old friends at that wedding and met a few new people too. Mr H and my crowd had always been different, hence I was met with a lot of new culture since I got married. This friend comes from a crowd that's a little different to both of ours, hence, we were both met with a new wave of cultural differences. Interestingly, all of us are of Muslims with Bengali-Australian background. Differences automatically leads to forming (mostly negative?) judgement, which is terrible. There should be one measuring stick, right and wrong by God's definition. If something is wrong according to it, we should stay away from it in any form possible, and if it is right, we should accept it, even if it doesn't seem familiar to us.

I found this amazing acapella artist - she has the most beautiful voice, and does the backing track so simply but beautifully! I think I will listen to her for the next few days at least. My room had been terribly messy for the last few days, it is a little cleaner now, but the floor needs to be vaccumed. I have a to-do list that consists of about 6-7 things that seem annoying at the moment, but I am sure I would feel excellent after I do them. Writing here wasn't a part of it. -.-

Feeling excited :)

I have been thinking about homeschooling during the primary years. The idea of raising children with ideas that aren't filtered through the secular schooling system, allowing them to be independent about the things that they want to learn about instead of streamlining their interests, teaching them bangla and arabic at the same time, as well as quran memorisation, as well as letting them part-take in any sports they want, and other community projects - seems like a very lucrative idea. Once they are a bit more strong in their deen inshaallah, they can go to a public high school with a relatively good environment. The high schools that I went to were pretty good, alhamdulillah. What would be even more awesome is if they could somehow do full time hifdh for 2-3 days a week, and I could work as a counsellor at some school.

If everything goes my way, in the next five years, I can finish studying - including finishing my psych degree, counselling degree and teaching degree. And I can finish learning arabic and a bit of Quran.

Mr H and some of his friends are in on the plan of homeschooling. They want to build a community like the ones NAK suggests and are working towards it. I'm excited to see what comes about in the next ten years!

Life isn't perfect, but we have to push through!

Hi :)

I haven't written in here for so long! July 12th - that's more than a month ago. Time flew pretty quick for a while. I'm not doing much these days - no work, no uni - so time is supposed to fly slower. I am trying to get some other things done though - things I haven't had time for before and probably will not have much time for from next semester. However, I have spent my spare time watching Offspring, instead of doing those things, and eating things like cookies and 2-min noodles. Not the most productive way to spend what is possibly the free-est time of my life. Also, I have been writing a song, to which Sum said, 'it doesn't have your usual flair'. I was thinking, 'what flair?!', but I just casually typed, 'oh really?'. It makes me happy to think that Sum thinks I usually have a 'flair' in writing.

I like spending time at my parents' now. I think I appreciate them more now that I don't live with them, but that's what everyone else said would happen, right? Except, you just don't realise it actually happens until you go through it yourself. You don't realise what a lot of things are actually like, unless you experience it yourself. One thing that is terribly annoying is the way grown men and women yield to social pressure. I kind of give excuses for myself, saying, I am only twenty-three, I am only recently married, I am only new etcetra. But I am not sure whether they started off by giving the exact same excuses and just never stopped.

I sometimes feel like I cannot remember what I used to think and feel four months ago. The whole point of writing is that I can come back later and read them and re-feel and re-think those feelings and thoughts. I really need to sit down and do that someday soon.

Mr H got me a new phone for Eid, but I haven't started using it yet due to a huge funny mess surrounding it. The mess is being sorted now, I think. I need to start using it soon. Mr H's birthday is coming up. I am writing him a song and giving him a box full of gifts inshaallah. I got a card for him that says 'You are my cup of tea'. I hope he likes it.

I don't particularly like gold jewellery. Maybe I should try wearing some of my old stuff every now and then. EF was so proud that I am becoming feminine now! :P

I think Ma just came home from work.

Annoying things

- Racism
- Nationalism
- Oblivion
- Psychopathy
- Mainstream media
- Hypocrisy

Ramadan :)

It's Ramadan again!

There are so many reasons to love Ramadan:
- An opportunity to have ALL of your sins forgiven.
- An opportunity for dua to be accepted - any dua!
- An opportunity to gain an a load of rewards.

Basically, it's an opportunity to start over. And if you think something is impossible, know that for Allah, nothing is impossible. And everything in life is a test (even the ones that might seem like a blessing). One way to keep cool while you are hungry, thirsty and things aren't going as planned - is to be grateful for the blessings that Allah has given you. Mentally list them, and thank Allah for every single one.

There are times when it seems like everyone is out to piss you off, like that is their sole purpose. Just, imagine Jannah, the place you will get if you hold on, just a little more.

Pretend cafe

There's something therapeutic about writing a philosophy essay in the middle of the night, while listening to songs that you like, while sitting in the middle of a room filled with only your mess, while contemplating whether you should go get another cup of tea. It feels like you have endless time on your hands, no expectations or obligations to attend to. It feels like sitting in a cafe and writing.

There are several things about my mother that I am not completely able to appreciate. But with new experiences, I am able to appreciate a few of those things. My mother is very 'herself'. She always wore whatever she wanted, not caring about whether it was 'in' or not. She leads a life where she makes sure every single day is productive. And one thing she told me once, that I keep forgetting, but shouldn't, is: No matter what happens, I should not hesitate or feel too ashamed to come back to Allah and get back on my feet.

There are several levels of 'losing' yourself. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you've lost yourself in some ways. It's good for you, even. But, if you lose all of yourself, you're in trouble.

I should probably go get that cup of tea and come back and write. 

Humans of New York

“My parents were always fighting. They weren’t very supportive. I used to be bitter about it. I was caught up on how my life could have been different if I had better parents. How things would have been different if x, y, and z had happened. But then you get older and you realize maybe they didn’t have the capacity to give you what you needed. They couldn’t understand you, just like you couldn’t understand them. You realize they were dealing with their own disappointments. And you even start to think, ‘Maybe I could have been a better son.’”

"We're eye doctors."
"What's something about the eye that most people don't realize?"
"The eye doesn't see. The brain sees. The eye just transmits. So what we see isn't only determined by what comes through the eyes. What we see is affected by our memories, our feelings, and by what we've seen before."

"Through it all, we have all become much more compassionate souls. The depression taught me a valuable lesson: Who knows what battle people are facing everyday that is unseen? Embrace every present moment! You never know when your perfect life will drastically and instantly change. We had a perfect life until we didn’t. (A 30-second phone call with the confirmed cancer diagnosis came soon after we built and moved into our "dream home".)"

"I've got a wife and three kids, and a job I'm trying to hold on to. It's a lot of work and it's a lot to worry about, so it's easy to fall into a routine where all I'm doing is worrying about the next moment. In the midst of all this, sometimes I have to force myself to step back and appreciate the wonderful things that have already happened: one of my children is a budding artist, the other is beautifully kind, and the other is full of energy and potential. And they're all happy. And they're all healthy."

"I tend to be cynical about a lot of things, but Maya Angelou is somebody that no matter how much I pick her apart, she still has integrity. She was a victim of incest and rape, and she worked as a stripper. And now she’s a literary icon and Nobel Laureate. It goes to show that life is cumulative, and you can’t devalue any type of experience."

"People confuse the source of their happiness. They become temporarily happy when they get a new car, or a new house, or a new marriage. And they think that they are suddenly happy because of this new thing in their life. In reality, they are happy because for a brief moment, they are without desire. But then soon another desire comes along. And the search continues."

Judgementalness

If you are always around similar kinds of people, people who share similar ideas about the world - there's a huge chance that your world would become tiny. And then when you meet people that are very different, you start to think they are 'not of us' and that's when things become problematic. If we improve our communication and at least attempt to speak the same language, no one would be 'not of us'.

Time management

The busier life gets, the more I am understanding the importance of managing time well. I can't say that I have been putting every moment to use, hence, I know that I am not overcommitted at the moment, I am just the same old disorganised person that I always have been. Being disorganised is generally fine when you are a single university student - your life consists of uni work, friends, a bit of family, social work and maybe a part time job to pay for the minimal expenses and coffees. You can stay up till 2 AM watching TV shows, then get a coffee in the morning and finish off that assignment that's due at midnight. But this does not work when the main focus in your life is no longer you.

Possible steps of better time management:
- Keep your calendar updated with every commitment.
- Dua
- Make sure the minimum faraids are going okay, otherwise, everything else you do will be futile.
- To do list every morning

Introducing Mr H

Marriage is an interesting experience. If you are lucky and blessed, you marry your best friend, or you find a new best friend in your spouse. There are absolutely no secrets or barrier, but at the same time, you remember that the person you are married to is an individual, hence, your thought processes are not always going to be at sync. So, the way you may perceive or process something might be entirely different to the way your spouse does it. On top of that, the way you share your space with this person is very different to anyone else. Hence, it is very easy for your spouse to pick up on your weaknesses. Which means its very easy to be your truest self, the most vulnerable you have ever been. Which also means that if you have married the right person, you will eventually learn to help each other work through weaknesses and bring out the best in each other.

I feel quite lucky and blessed about Mr H. (He does not watch this space though, so I can praise him as much as I want without giving him a huge head. :P)

Moments

I have looked forward to this moment for a very long time. And now that it's finally here, my brain and my insides seem to have turned into one huge ball of mush - unable to separate one feeling from another. There are moments where I feel like rewinding all of it and returning to the life I lived before, but, it's silly to not appreciate blessings when they're here already. When you are out in the sun, don't think about the clouds that are forecasted for tomorrow. Soak up the sun with your eyes closed and be grateful that He allowed you to experience that moment.

Worrying puts us in a cage, and the more we worry, the smaller the cage gets, until we suffocate. The concept of Tawakkulullah - trust in Allah - is something that never ceases to amaze me. We might find it hard to trust others entirely, and rightly so - letting another person clench your heart in their fist gives them the power to crush it, maybe involuntarily. But letting your heart be filled with the trust of Allah can allow you to let others hold your heart, without letting them clench it tight.

Sometimes, the worry stems from regret - regret of our own past actions. But it's important to remember that once something has been repented for, it's as if that never happened.

Live in the moment. In this moment. 

5 before 5

The Prophet (saw) advised to: “Take benefit of five before five: Your youth before your old age, your health before your sickness, your wealth before your poverty, your free time before you are preoccupied, and your life before your death”(Narrated by Ibn Abbas and reported by Al Hakim)

Reminder

Currently, I am utterly in love with (or possibly just obsessed with) this song called Riptide. I found a great acapella and I cannot stop listening to it. It's a clean sound, with a soothing voice which does not go out of tune at all and lovely words. The song is open to interpretation, but the way I see it, it's about a boy who had low self esteem and was filled with fears, but falls head over heels in love with a girl and loses his fears. Then, the girl begins to lose herself and he knows things are going down in a hateful direction, but there's nothing he can do.

I heard somewhere, that when a person commits a sin, at that moment, that person stops being a believer. Because you cannot do something wrong while knowing that you are being watched and you will have to answer for it, while you do not have an answer. The beautiful thing is, Allah is Al-Ghafoor, Al-Afu', Ar;-Rahman, Al-Lateef, Ash-Shakoor, Al-Wadud and so much more. He forgives, loves, rewards and works in the most subtle ways.

Sometimes, all we want to do is forget that we have to die and keep doing whatever it is we are doing, because its just easier that way. It's easier to think about the bills we have to pay, or the people we have to please, or the grades we need to get and stay so busy while trying to keep things afloat that its easier to forget that we ever have to die. But one day, we will wake up without waking up and neither our money nor those people will wake up with us.

But Allah is As-Samad.

Perfection

sometimes things are so perfect that i feel like i am dreaming and that i will wake up any moment and realise i still lack direction and sometimes i feel like i am living inside a bubble that might burst at any moment but then you remind me that this is all real and you are real and you are the perfect balance i was missing all this time. 

Blessed

Note to self: when blessings come, be thankful for them. Remember that everything comes from the Allah and be grateful to Him.

One of the names of Allah is Ash-Shakoor - I never thought about this name too much until recently. I remember being amazed by the meaning of it. It is similar to taking very little care of a plant, but the plant giving you a lot of fruits. You put in a tiny amount of effort and you are rewarded with plenty. The fact that Allah is Ash-Shakoor means that He rewards the little that you do with plenty. I am feeling this completely in my life right now. My life, subhanallah, could not be any more perfect at the moment. I have direction, purpose, resources and confidence. Allah has surrounded me with so much support at the moment that I must, must cherish it. There were moments when I had none of those, and hence, no happiness. Alhamdulillah, I truly feel blessed. And it gives me even more conviction that Allah is indeed Ash-Shakoor.

Ways to be grateful to Allah:
- Saying Alhamdulillah (absolutely all praises and thanks belongs to Allah)
- Talking about the blessings
- Using the blessings that you're given for good purposes

“If you are grateful, I will surely give you more and more.” (Ibrahim 14:7).

Making decisions

An effective way to know what decision you should take is to ask yourself, what would I want my daughter to do? If you don't think you can bear it if your daughter takes a particular decision, don't take it yourself. It is often easier to love others more than you love yourself. It is often easier to hurt yourself more in the long term than wishing to protect someone you love. And the people you would love the most would be your children. Everyone else seems like individuals, but a person's own child probably always would seem to be a part of her. And you'd want the absolute best for your own child, even if you do not think of it for yourself.

This realisation made me realise how much my mother loves me. And also, that my daughter will probably never love me the way I would love her. But such is life.

:)

My life kind of changed quite dramatically and quickly over the past few weeks. In fact, ironically, it began in the week that I posted "So yeah. Back to who I was before. Balance." I can no longer remember what I meant by "who I was". But then, we are always changing, and it is not necessarily a bad thing. There isn't a need to go back to a particular stage, rather, we need to move forward and be better. Sometimes, we can't control the environment that we are put in, and it may seem that we are not being better while we move. But, it is up to us to make the best of every situation.

I remember thinking that it is much easier to live when you don't have anyone to weigh you down. Which is true, if the people that you are with weigh you down. But, if the people that you are with bring out the best in you, then you probably should stick to them like glue. 

Also, I am quitting gym! My year long membership finally ends at the end of this month and I shall no longer pay a shocking amount and succumb to the vanity that this society brings (lol, no that is not the reason why I'm quitting obviously). But surprisingly, I reached the goals that I set out for gym. Although, I did eat a whole lot of brownies today... yet to realise what the full impact will be. 

I am doing Philosophy of Religion as one of my electives this semester. I don't think I can handle a whole lot of philosophy, but one subject to end my degree seems to be the perfect amount. We talked about Ansalm and Descartes - and their understanding of God's existence and views of the ontological argument. My mouth was probably gaping the entire time. I absolutely loved it and possibly had the best time I have had in this entire week (and I had quite a few other good moments this week!). 

There is always so much to do and so little time. But when you are happy, none of it matters. 

Life is bittersweet

I have been hearing of quite a few deaths lately. People from my parents generation passing away, a twenty-four year old just randomly not waking up in the morning - things like that. Apart from the general horrific situation of the world, these things remind you that life isn't all fun and play. I may very well not wake up tomorrow morning. And then there are other different kinds of sadnesses around me - loneliness, insecurity, frustration, fear - things that exist in your head, but are very real. Some people that I love are experiencing at least one of these at the moment.

But amongst death and sadnesses, I have been happy. I have been surrounded by lovely people who are making me feel very grateful to have them in my life. I can feel the blessings in my life, which is often hard to feel, hence, is a blessing in itself. I still have annoying chores to do here and there, for example, a task that I have procrastinated from for the past three months in currently sitting in another window. But, the little annoying tasks seem manageable when the big things in life are in place.

Sometimes it feels like we have mastered a particular skill or a topic, because we are around the same group of people with similar mindsets and skill levels. And then we are thrown into a mix where we realise that we know zilch in reality. Instead of feeling disoriented with life, it's important to embrace the challenge.

Sunshine, lollipops and rainbows

I am currently sipping on a cup of green tea. It's not as bad as it tasted the last time I had it - I am trying to remind myself of its numerous benefits with every sip. Adding lots of lemon and a spoonful of honey helped too. I am trying to get myself in healthier habits... not sure how long it'll last.

Lots of things are happening lately so I am trying to take it one day at a time. I have been feeling the need of clarifying and revising my ideas regarding faith and methodologies of practising it. Our life is too short to do things without knowing why you're doing them. It is also too short to live with your head under sand. I have also been feeling a lot less stressed lately. Paraphrasing one of the newest people in my life: Things are only as stressful as you make them.

Something wonderful happened yesterday - SB gave me a surprise gift. I have been making dua for something for the past few months, and with that gift, the problem has been solved. He is such an amazingly generous person mashaallah! I think I was too happy to properly be able to express how happy I was, but A said he would know anyway.

Dua is amazing. You directly ask the One who is in control of every single thing, the One who is also the Most Loving and Answerer of Prayers. It's not possible for anyone to care about you more than the amount and quality of care He has for you. It's not possible for anyone to love you more than the amount and quality of love He has for you. He also knows what is absolutely best for you. Recently, I have realised how great reliable people are (I'm not one of them yet, but inshaallah I'll get there one day!). You can trust them very easily and know that you wouldn't be disappointed. But at the same time, humans are fallible, and they can only meet a certain amount of expectations placed upon them. Allah is the most reliable, perfectly reliable.

7/02

I was skimming through some of my most recent posts and I came across one that listed reasons for my sadness at that time. Alhamdulillah, it made me smile to notice that I have regained career directions and I have begun to come across people who have hope for the world. Exactly opposite of the things that were making me sad. Maybe that's why I feel so happy lately. I am still trying to balance out my life, but I think it will be a constant struggle. My latest technique is to take these steps:
- List the aspects of my life that needs attention.
- Allocate time (if it's something that must be done regularly) or tasks (if applicable) for each.
- Do them. :P

I heard an excellent lecture by Harry Fear today. If you don't know him already - he is a British journalist that lives in Gaza. He doesn't identify himself with any religion, but he mentioned that if he was religious, he would be Muslim, because of the way that Islam deals with injustices. One important thing he mentioned is that about five years ago, he had no idea about Gaza, possibly not even where it's located. The fact that it is never too late to start finding out and working to remove an injustice. He talked about 3 aspects: activism, fighting against injustice with the means that you have and feeling the pain of others, and the fact that all of these aspects are rooted in core, specific principles of Islam. Listen to it if you want to have half an hour of awesome streaming into your brain. He would make an excellent Muslim. :)

My email never seems to be completely cleared out. However, I do believe I am getting organised lately. The fact that I waste a lot of time doing useless things is hitting me. I need to change my perception of relaxation and fun and suit these to be defined according to whatever situation I am in. Otherwise, you need to spend extra time on those, and there isn't just enough time for commitments alone, let alone extra time.

One of the signs of the Day of Judgement is that time passes quickly. I can feel it so well.

Note to Self

• If it takes less than five minutes, do it right now. No point in delaying things for five days at the expense of five minutes.
• Stop talking when there is nothing to talk about.
• Life is too short for anxiety.

Mushiness

I felt terribly happy the entire day yesterday - It was one of those days when I felt like the world is all rainbows and lollipops and the butterflies in my stomach would fly forever. I read a status this morning by Navaid Aziz in the morning:

"Every moment of happiness in this life is just a mere glimpse of potential happiness in paradise.

The next time you have happy moment do two things:
1- Say Al hamdulillah, and that way you have thanked Allah for the blessing of happiness in this life and that amazing moment you just had. 

2- Ask Allah to grant you a moment better than it in paradise. Anything we may have felt in this life is just a mere fraction of the happiness and joy we may feel in the hereafter.
That my friends is how you preserve a moment of happiness forever!
May Allah make us of the inhabitants of the highest of paradise. Ameen."

It's so much easier to put the world in perspective when you remember how temporary and illusive this world is, and how permanent and real the hereafter will be. That does not mean that we cannot feel what we feel, it just means that we need to keep ourselves from getting carried away from the end goal. There is room for boundaries to be crossed at any moment - regardless of whether you are happy or not. In sadness, the boundary may be crossed in rebellion to the situation. In happiness, it's easy to cross it out of a "what's the harm?" type of attitude.

Imam Ibn Al-Qayyim said, “There are three types of patience: Firstly, practicing patience to fulfill the obligations and to do righteous. Secondly, abstaining from evil and prohibited acts. And thirdly, practicing patience during times of hardship without complaints.”

When you are happy, the first two types of patience get tested. 

My second summer school subject is nearly finished. There was a bit of a hiccup on my part, but it should be fixed soon. My third summer school subject is something I am desperately hoping I pass - I picked 'everyday physics' on a whim. I thought it might be fun, which it is, but I fun does not necessarily equate to excellence.

School begins next week, which means scripture begins, which means I need to prepare the much promised folder I have been promising my kids since Ramadan. Beginning of school also means that my flow of cash will begin again inshaallah. YAY.

Sum tells me I am being very mushy lately, which is probably true. I am really beginning to appreciate the people around me and their love. I love the way my friends and I look out for each other, making sure our hearts aren't broken by the world, that our eyes are kept on the prize. I love the way my family members love each other, and you can see it in their eyes and actions. 

sheep

Everything in this world is an illusion. Attachment to any of it more than what is Real is always dangerous, no matter how halal it is. Sometimes, we want an attachment to be okay and we fool ourselves into thinking that the difference between being unattached and attached is very little. But the difference is never too little. Everything must be taken back to the one attachment we need to truly have, the only one that will give us constant peace.

I realise I am sounding very YM-ish lately, so I decided to stop sounding YM-ish and return to my resting state of awesomeness. As off... now.

I have sooo many things to do but every time i sit down to do them my mind wonders to a hundred other places entirely unrelated to the things i have to do so i begin thinking that i should get a tea and sit down and start doing things but then i feel lazier than i originally felt my most recent password for my uni account comes from give me a sign because i was listening to it while i set it however ironically i heard the lyrics wrong so the password actually does not come from the lyrics but i don't feel like changing it because every password has a memory associated with it i have horrible self regulation its something i definitely need to fix up as soon as possible i'm super sleepy.

Things that are happening

I went out with a bunch of friends last week - to Wattamolla beach. It was one of those days that I was able to relax and enjoy the beauty, as well as scream, splash, eat and have one of the best times of my life. The people that I went with - I can imagine having most of them in my life for a very long time. I came back home late, with aching muscles, a badly sunburnt face, a cold and an almost empty wallet. But it was still one of the best days of my life.

The following day, I went to an overnight program for little girls, which, should have been fun, but turned out to be more annoying than anything else. Our target audience was seven to fourteen year old girls, but some of the mothers sat very close and talked away. This didn't seem to bother anyone else, but all I kept thinking was that the point is being lost. Anyway, so, I went home, and came back early the next day with Z. Spent the entire day feeling disoriented, and later realised I have come down with the flu. The problem was - Z is under my care now because her mother has some other immediate commitments she needs to tend to. So, as I lay down with a blocked nose, a headache and the occasional cough, all I could think of was that Z wasn't being taken care of by me. And then I started to think how mothers are not allowed to be sick, and even if they do fall sick, they aren't allowed to stop the world and lie in bed. It added to the list of things that mothers do on a daily basis that we so often do not appreciate. 

TA and I have been talking about "wot iz love". I told that girl to start a blog, but she wouldn't, so I shall just praise her in mine and hope she never reads this. She has an incredible mind, an appreciative heart and an honest soul. She is one of those people that would make you smile just by her presence, without any pretence. We share similar tastes in movies and books, and possibly tea (we shall find out about that last one soon!). 

I am going to a friend's nikkah tomorrow inshaallah! The couple finished their first year of university this year. I love the fact that they are keeping it nice and simple at this stage. They kind of fulfil everything that I talk about in terms of marriage: a) both are pretty young; b) they are getting married at the mosque, with nothing fancy; c) both are pure hearted people who try their best to as much good as they can, as far as I see; d) they come from different cultures. They are one of the many examples I see around me of how ideas change people. People like them inspire me to keep working on solidifying my ideas and inspire others to change theirs. 

I don't think I will get much sleep over the next few days. There's 2 hours till fajr. I originally stayed up because I thought something was due at the end of this week, when in fact, it's due at the end of next. So when I realised it wasn't, I started writing here. Now I'm scared to sleep, because if I sleep, I would want to sleep more. But if I don't sleep, I might die from lack of sleep.

Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words

The world is going more and more haywire. In Bangladesh, joint police forces are silently shooting members of a political party at night and managing to keep a great percentage of the nation unaware by blocking anti-government materials from going into national news. This is on top of some of the bizarre things that happened in the past, like the massacre from 5th November 2012, or hanging a person without trial and getting most of the nation to rejoice at the torture, setting up secret torture cells in university student accommodations and torturing youth from that particular political party. Israel has increased flooding in Gaza by opening a dam, on top of bombing the strip frequently, and is now denying any 'allegations' of the existence of the dam existing. Rape is one of the most prominent horrors in the Syrian war. I still have images of Rohingyans fleeing from burning homes stuck in my mind, but the existence of the oppression is unknown to most of the world.

I think the biggest challenge for us now is that truth and untruth are almost inseparable. Some people so fiercely believe in a lie, even though it goes against all logic and history that I feel like I need to be able to be so well versed in both of those areas that I can dispel them head on if they come my way. But my memory is so bad that I find myself fumbling when confronted with a misconception, which gives a very wrong idea to the other person. But I guess this is one of those things that I need to try to target and fix. Sitting and brooding about injustices do nothing except make one feel more and more helpless, leading to learned helplessness. There are lots of things that we would not be able to fix by ourselves, but there are lots of ways that we can contribute in the fixing up. I heard this story in some lecture ones - a man was walking along the shore and throwing washed up starfish back into the ocean, one starfish at a time. Someone asked him why he is doing so, and whether he is really making any difference at all, he replied with something like, 'I am making a difference to every starfish I save.' Although I don't entirely agree with the concept (i.e.: I don't think it's enough that we save individual lives. We need to be involved in collective efforts in bringing long term, large scale changes.), I agree with the sentiments of it. All we can do is our part.

I talked to Miffy today - she is so inspiring! She is one of those people who believe in constant improvement and actually goes for it. She pulled me out of the misery bubble I built around myself for the past few days (the bubble of learned helplessness). She told me some very important things:
- To take some solid goals for next year in terms of what I want to achieve. I have, of course, done this in the previous years, but I've always restricted myself to personal goals. Miffy reminded me to take goals about the projects I take on as well.
- Your duas reflect what things are important to you. If you are not praying for it, you are not giving it enough importance. (My sis told me this the other day too. She told me to "turn my worries into duas".)
- Whenever something gets tedious, renew your intention.

I am feeling super relaxed right now. I finally lit the candle that Emu gave me ages ago - not sure why I was saving it. It is forcasted to rain tomorrow, after the burning heat from the past two days. My windows are open, so I can feel the light, rainy breeze. And I'm listening to Lauren King's acapellas. I should do this more often. I realised, I am okay with having lots of people near me as long as I get some alone time to clear my mind. Otherwise people get to my nerves.

So yeah. Back to who I was before. Balance.