Reminder

"Three things will benefit a person after they pass away: Knowledge that they leave behind that people benefit from, a continuing charity (sadaqah jaariyah), and a righteous child that will seek forgiveness for their parents."

The Prophet (SAW) explains what constitutes as sadaqah jariyah in another hadith: "A slave of Allah will continue to get rewarded for seven things after they are deceased and in their graves: 1- Whoever taught knowledge. 2- Facilitated a pathway for water 3- Built a well 4- Planted a tree 5- Built a Masjid 6- Gave a copy of the Quran 7- Left a child behind that will seek forgiveness for them after their death." (Sahih Al-Jami' 3602)

The usuals... and Z!

I love going through my old posts and picking up little wisdoms. We all have certain strengths and weaknesses, and they stay fairly similar throughout our lives. We can have personal growths and change those, but in general, whatever one person struggles with, they will always somewhat struggle with it. For example, I generally consider boundaries to be arbitrary. So, due dates are arbitrary and "mess" isn't bothersome. So, time management and being organised are amongst my biggest struggles. But, I have taken steps, over and over again, to change those traits in me. And they've worked! The trick is to keep at it. So, I like going through my own writing because it shows me how I've dealt with my difficulties in the past. When Allah gives us a test, He also gives us tools to pass it. Sometimes, I forget what tools I have, or how to use them. So, it helps to remind myself how I've done it before.

One thing that is currently bothering me is that I am running away from one particular piece of work. Its a very tiny bit of work, but every time I think about it, I feel stressed out. Reason is, I ran away from it for so long that now I don't even want to face the person for whom I need to do this. And I literally have no excuses. I can come up with a few I suppose, but I hate it when people blow excuses out of proportion, and I hate doing things that I hate in other people. (I just remembered a few other things that I have to do that are of similar nature... sigh.) So, more than the work, what is bothering me is the fact that I am annoying those people with my lack of action. So, I am procrastinating from it even more, which makes no sense.

I have been very obsessed with Myers-Brigg personality types. I've read up on them so much that now I love guessing people's types, because I generally get them right. They are useful because they let you understand people a little more. But, it stops being useful when you start giving excuses for shortcomings and do nothing about them. First step for fixing anything up is recognition, but you need to make sure you move onto the second step as soon as possible.

Little Z is growing up quite fast. Now she tries to crawl. I'm watching her try very hard to get to a block that she threw a little too far, but she just can't herself off her bottom! So she's rocking back and forth and moving her arms and legs, as if she's willing the block to come to her... lol. I remember her as the tiny thing wrapped in a blanket who just needed a little bit of humming and patting to fall asleep. I remember watching her sleep and wishing she'd wake up so I could play with her. Now, she loves playing so much that she doesn't want to fall asleep! I love singing meaningless songs and dancing around with her in my arms. I love taking her out on an impulse. I love having little relaxing sessions in the backyard, with our pillows and nasheeds, and the blue sky and a soft breeze. I love the way she trusts me to catch her when I throw her up in the air. I love the way she knows she's safe when she's in my arms, so if she's crying, I can pick her up and comfort her. May Allah keep her safe, both in this world and in the next.

OKAY. Time to go and make one of those lists.

So I have strung up several words together for little Z over the past (nearly) 8 months. I shall record them in this post when I remember them, just so that she can grow up and see how awesome her khammi is.

You are my drum, drum, drum
You are my guitar
And I can strum
you all day long.

Will you be my sweety pie?
Be my honey bee?
Will you be my butterfly?
Little Zainabee.

Oh Allah, don't let little Zain
feel the pain
of the world being ripped from her heart
Don't let her ever, ever be apart
from You.

Can you see me looking at you across the room?
Can you here me calling out your name?
Can you feel me loving you so much, little Zee,
When you grow up, will you feel the same?

Welles

"If you want a happy ending, that depends, of course, on where you stop the story."

Lemonade

January hasn't been a great month so far. I have been quite short tempered with the people I love, confused about a whole lot of things and annoyed with myself. I think one of the reasons is that I have not been working towards any particular goals. My inconsistency gets in the way of achieving a lot of things I want to achieve, but I often do have a fairly good idea of what I want to achieve, and start off on their paths with a great deal of enthusiasm. This month, I have not taken any initiative to do anything productive and constructive. When you aren't being constructive, you become destructive.

So, what do you do? You make lemonade with the bunch of lemons you currently have.

Relief

Ma's coming back today. One overriding feeling I am having, surprisingly, is relief. Yes, I missed her and love her, but right now, I am relieved that she will be back to take her responsibility back. I have not exactly been looking after the house or the family in her absence. We sort of have this system of each-man-for-his-own when she isn't here. I say "sort of", because, every now and then, one of us gets inspired to do something epic and make ourselves a family again. Either way, for the past month, I have had to cook, clean and look after little Z more than I have before that. When she is at home, she does not like it when I am not home much, but this time, even when she wasn't, I could not leave home too frequently because of those reasons. I actually miss uni now. 

Pi, Love and God

A and I have been wanting to watch Life of Pi for a while. But our own lives kept getting in the way, until we finally got a chance yesterday. She paid a ridiculous amount to get us two tickets, two 3D glasses and a large drink (now I remember why I download movies). 3D glasses were a good investment though - some of the trailers looked quite interesting! Except, I don't have a whole lot of money, so I might need to convince some rich friend to take me. :P

I loved several concepts in the film. Pi was getting bullied at school for his name, so he did something about it, and made sure it was pretty damn creative! And then there was his honesty with finding God. When he knew what the church said about Jesus, he said something like, it made no sense for God to send His innocent son to take away the sins of the people who actually committed a crime, but the more I got to know this son, the more I loved him. It perfectly portrays how I feel about the concept as I know it to be. Flawed logic, but the character of Jesus is very loveable. I also liked what his father said about faith - he said he would prefer Pi to follow something he did not approve of, given that Pi chooses the path himself. Following 3 religions at once is like following none at all. The first tool to use is reason, then he can choose a path, instead of following something blindly. I liked that concept because a lot of people categorise all religions under the one banner, which leads to meshing of concepts within them, even if they are contradictory to each other. It is also encouraged from the idea that we must accept all people as they are. But its important to remember that accepting a person is different from accepting a "concept".

When he was getting away from the floating island, he said something that struck me hard. I tried to find the quote and failed, so lets just go with my memory. He said something about God's plan being greater. Even when it seems that there is no hope, it is actually for the best, and you don't see it until much later. When he became exhausted from travelling, God gave him rest, then showed him the way. And he was thankful for it. This concept is something that is ingrained in us as Muslims. As we travel through life, we face storms that make us think we can't get through, then we try our best, as well as pray to be saved from it. We know, in our hearts, that everything happens for the best. And with hardship, comes ease. And that everything is supposed to make us grateful servants of God.

I also loved the concept of having two different choices of a story. You can look at one situation in many different ways, its just about your perspective which can show you or hide from you God's part in it. The cinematography was great right from the beginning, music was chosen well. It really does remind you of the colours of life and the depth of its discovery. It's one of those films that I would not mind watching again. I actually want to read the book. I have a feeling the author did a great job of allowing us to explore our imagination.

In other news, I have also been watching White Collars. My friend lent it to me on a USB, which was not a good idea, because, at least when something is on the internet, it takes time to load, after which, you often don't feel like watching it. (Actually, that's a lie. I would still watch it.) I finished the first season, and while there were several things I didn't like about it, like, horrible acting from some characters, I loved the plot of most episodes. Its the story of a top notch fraud criminal turning into a consultant for the FBI agent (Peter) who catches him. (Reminded me about Catch Me If You Can - one of my favourite movies!) The season shows a great relationship between Peter and his wife, Elizabeth. They are very secure about each other, they have fun, share their interests and make time for each other, even though they have been married for 10 years. Anyway, in the whole season, the main character was trying to find a girl that he loves. And in the end, when he did find her, he asks Elizabeth how she knew Peter was the one. She said, "I think there is a difference between loving the idea of someone and loving who they really are."

Its a pity that life is often filled with people who are just "ideas" to us. How do you really know who someone is, until you take that leap of faith? Or do you not take a leap of faith before you are really sure about who the person is? But then, how can you ever be sure?

I don't think we can ever be sure. That's why, there is a concept in Islam called Tawaqqul - reliance on God. You try your best in something, then you rely on Him for results, and you believe with every bit of certainty that whatever the result is, it is best for you. I get scared about the first part - trying my best. I have tried my absolute best in very few occasions, because I am terrified of getting hurt by failure. At least when you don't try and fail, it doesn't hurt much. But I know how ridiculous this thought process is. If you continue to think in such a way your entire life, you will never try in anything, then get to the end of it and realise how short that time was and how much you've potentially missed out on.

Little Z is growing up, and as she grows, I can feel my love for her in my heart. She does many things that would annoy the heck out of me if it was any other baby - like sucking on my phone till drool seeps out of it long after she leaves it alone, crying for reasons that are unknown to me, pooping when I am about to take her out, scratching and punching me with such surprising force for such tiny nails and limbs. But I still love her. And I can imagine how much more A loves her. And God loves His creation more than a mother loves her child. So, even if we think we've screwed up our lives pretty badly, we just need to have hope in Him and keep asking Him to show us better days, for what we need and want.

“If you stumble about believability, what are you living for? Love is hard to believe, ask any lover. Life is hard to believe, ask any scientist. God is hard to believe, ask any believer. What is your problem with hard to believe?”

I can steal back mine

I like unpredictability, to a certain extent. I like waking up in the morning and finding out that its raining on a day I can afford to stay in bed all day. I like watching the ironies of life take place one after another, as an outsider. And when I was younger, I used to love unpredictable people. I could not imagine living with one person for the rest of my life because after a while, the novelty would wear off, and the person would become predictable. But, as I grew, I realised unpredictable people make me nauseous. I suppose its sort of like riding on a rollercoaster. It thrills you for a little while, but you don't want to be riding one for the rest of your life.

They make me nauseous and annoy the living daylight out of me. Which is why, I am incredibly and increasingly annoyed at myself for slowly turning into one of them. I have always hated it when people stop returning phone calls, are absent for meetings, take up a commitment then don't fulfil it properly. I hate unreliable people. For a very long time, I tried my utmost to keep up my commitments with people, even if my own life is falling apart (in my mind, mostly), because it was no one else's business. I hated giving excuses, because in essence, excuses are just those - excuses. If I was feeling sluggish, a good load of commitments would pick me right up and back into business. I hate the fact that this isn't happening any more.

So, for the past few days, I have been attempting to do what I do best - diagnose my own problem and fix it. Make a list and get to it. Drink coffee. But, annoyingly, things aren't getting fixed. Instead, my to-do list is getting longer, my mind is turning into a bigger mess than it was. When my friends ask what the heck is going on, I cannot tell them anything because I am not exactly sure myself.

I think its just that I keep forgetting that life is fair. I keep looking at the world through a selfish person's eyes and thinking its okay. I keep forgetting that life is no big deal, but its something that I have to deal with. Running away from a to-do list doesn't make it disappear.

I should go through my blog and tag posts as "inspirational" from times when I feel inspired by something. I could use some now.

"Wish I felt more, more like me.
Wish I felt more, more like me.
Wish I felt more, more like me.
Wish I felt more, more like me."

Miles of clouded hell

Everyone has a different definition of "rock bottom". They say that when you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up. But what if your definition changes? What if you dig the ground at the bottom of the ocean and bury yourself? What if you keep going until you reach the core and burn yourself to nothingness? Well, I suppose the worst thing would be if you never realised that you hit it, and you kept digging the hole. If you kept digging it until you have no more breath left.

I just hate the thought of picking myself up afterwards. The swim back is so much harder than the straight fall. And it reminds me that, if I never fell down here, I probably could be flying towards infinity right now. The worst emotion to feel is regret, and that is an overriding feeling while you swim back. It makes it so much harder.

I know that if I didn't make mistakes, I would not be human. I would be one of those women with their hair up in a tight bun and a stick up their backside. I would have a heart in which tears wouldn't enter, just roll over. But it makes me wonder, is anything different now? Even after making mistakes, am I a better person?

When you want to do things the right way, life gets harder and harder, and it will keep getting harder. Struggle is the only way forward, if eternal happiness is what you want. And you will be fooling yourself if you think you don't want that.

Life is actually very fair.

"It's time to begin, isn't it?
I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit
I'm just the same as I was
Now don't you understand
I'm never changing who I am

So this is where you fell
And I am left to sell
The path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell
Right to the top
Don't look back
Turning to rags and giving the commodities a rain check

This road never looked so lonely
This house doesn't burn down slowly
To ashes, to ashes."

2013

Its funny how its the first day of the year, a bright and sunny day, and I feel like doing absolutely nothing besides sleeping. I found this in a text I sent ages ago:

"Its a song about running away from life into an alternate reality. It's funny how you can take an idea as vague as that, change the intensity and apply to anyone's life."

I realised I say "its funny how" a lot.

Time to get a coffee and smash that to-do list.

Fleeting

We fear risks because risks are just those - risks. You jump without knowing whether the surface will be soft enough to break your fall. You leap without knowing what is in front of you. It can be something amazing, yes. It can bring new insights to life, yes. But it can also disorient you with all that height. That is why we prefer the status quo. 

The tidal wave

Somewhere in the middle, this blog was the place to vent. I could say anything I wanted, as long as I kept it vague enough for most of my readers to never figure things out. Venting is okay as long as it doesn't hurt anyone, and I never did hurt anyone through my words from here. But I fear things have changed. Or maybe this is just my headache and all other bodily pains talking.

"My hope is a tidal wave, and your home was a great escape."

"What is it to grow old?
...
It is to spend long days
And not once feel that we were ever young."

One of my favourite poems is Mirror by Sylvia Plath.

"...Searching my reaches for what she really is.

Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day..."

Every person is for themselves.

Demons

(By: Imagine Dragons)

When your dreams all fail,
And the ones we hail are the worst of all,
And the blood's run stale -

I want to hide the truth.
I want to shelter you.
But with the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide.

No matter what we breed,
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom, come.

This is my kingdom, come.

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide.
It's where my demons hide.

Don't get too close,
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide.
It's where my demons hide.

Sarah Kay - And found

I am a god of drawers left open.

Its easy to catch me in the act of searching -
My keys,
Myself.

Aah - don't sit there - you might knock over the pile of confidence I took all day to stack.
I promise to tidy up before company arrives
Wouldn't want my socks and daydreams all over the carpet.
I know where most things are
But give me enough time and I can lose anything.
I have had enough practice at sliding things under the bed
when no one is watching.
And I know -
You are always in the last place I look. 

Having that bubble burst

I really like this song. Brick by boring brick by Paramore.

--

She lives in a fairy tale
Somewhere too far for us to find
Forgotten the taste and smell
Of a world that she's left behind

It's all about the exposure the lens I told her
The angles were all wrong now
She's ripping wings off of butterflies

keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole

To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole

To bury the castle, bury the castle
Ba da ba ba da ba ba da

So one day he found her crying
Coiled up on the dirty ground
Her prince finally came to save her
And the rest you can figure out

But it was a trick
And the clock struck twelve
Well make sure to build your home brick by boring brick
or the wolf's gonna blow it down

keep your feet on the ground
when your head's in the clouds
Well go get your shovel
And we'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle

Well you built up a world of magic
Because your real life is tragic
Yeah you built up a world of magic

If it's not real
You can't hold it in your hand
You can't feel it with your heart
And I won't believe it
But if it's true

You can see it with your eyes
Oh even in the dark
And that's where I want to be, yeah

Go get your shovel
We'll dig a deep hole
To bury the castle, bury the castle
Well go get your shovel
and we'll dig a deep hole

To bury the castle, bury the castle

With a purpose - 1

So, as you know, a whole bunch of things happened in my life this year. Nothing as dramatic as deaths or marriages, but I have had a serious car accident and have seen the formation of a few couples. I have also been exposed to new ideas and controversies, which I shan't talk about clearly until I am clear myself. But as always, I shall talk about my thought process. The most important thing I learnt from this year is that it is extremely important to know the purpose of your existence. Once you know your purpose, everything else comes under its huge umbrella and it becomes much easier to sort what comes in and leaves your life. The purpose of your existence comes from the way you view the world.

The way I view the world comes from my understanding of the Quran. So, this world, to me, is a test. Each of us are here for a number of years, in which we are required to make several decisions. After death, we will be judged on the decisions we made. We will be judged by God, who is the most merciful, the most loving, but is also fair and is the sole owner of all power. Each of us are individuals and equals in His eyes. He will reward us or punish us according to the choices we make in this world. You can only make a choice about something you know about. So, we need to try our best to learn, then make decisions based on what we know. Following anything blindly does not do justice to our intellect. However, getting caught up with too many options may mean that there is no fruition of your knowledge. So, there needs to be a balance between gaining knowledge and implementing them.

(Sort of an) update

I haven't written here for a very long time. Since I last wrote, my exams have finished. Since I last "properly" updated, I quit ABA therapy, one of my friends had a kid, little Z rolled over for the first time, I realised that gym is actually helpful, I began to think about the world and realised how untrustworthy the system is. There must've been a whole lot of other things that has happened, but they happened so fast that I haven't had the chance to sit down and contemplate. I'm beginning to think I quite like this state - the state of "doing" rather than "thinking". I mean, sometimes, "thinking" is "doing", in which case, I would like to "think" as well, but most of this blog is about "thinking" about the second sort of "thinking", which isn't really helpful.

I seemed to have started several posts over the past month. These were in my draft:

12/11 - Nuisances

- Constantly feeling like I must be politically correct.
- Being old and directionless.
- Procrastination.

17/11 - (untitled)

I am beginning to realise the world is more complicated than it seems.

23/11 - My understanding of reality

(no content)

26/11 - (untitled)


You were walking on a path with flowers on a sunny day
everything was okay


26/11 - (untitled)

Its a funny thing, to be human.

1/12 - (untitled)


I had a very interesting year this year, possibly the most interesting year of my life. I faced tests that I have not faced before, learnt new things and (apparently) changed as a person. I have a feeling this is how its going to be for a very long time. Once you learn to accept

- being aware of the world
- different personalities
- all creation of God - test/blessing
- every moment is a test
- life is so short + unpredictable
- outcome of a situation is not up to us, the preparation + the reaction is.
- ^leads to a whole range of emotions -- don't push it down. deal with it.
- believer - a mirror for another believer
- when someone has an opinion about you - evaluate it. take it on board if its valid (be truthful with yourself. cut down on the ego). if you don't think it is, tell them why etc etc. best - consensus.
- priorities

---

So yes, it seems like I had a lot to say, but I must've felt overwhelmed every time I began writing, so I stopped. In fact, this is beginning to overwhelm me again (and I remembered how many chores I have left). So I shall stop.

Diagnosises and contemplation about unseriousness

This morning, I woke up, for the third time, feeling a little groggy. The weather isn't too warm yet. I have to get a whole lot of work done. I must be on my feet as soon as I can. So, I reached for my coffee machine, and didn't think twice before using the double shot filter. My mother was against setting up the machine, because she thought I'd develop a habit of drinking coffee, and then become dependent on it, and then ruin my life like other drug addicts. I have developed a habit, and I have become a little dependent (only on days like today). But the problem wasn't in 'setting up the machine' in itself. The problem was in reaching for coffee whenever I wanted to feel awake, even when I wasn't too sleepy. I realised, we spend a lot of time diagnosing and treating the wrong problems. And when the treatment doesn't yield the intended result, we get frustrated.

I was catching up on my psychopathology lectures (and thinking, I love this, why haven't I listened to these before?). Right now, all psychological disorders are diagnosed categorically - you either have it or you don't. This doesn't make sense, because we can all have symptoms of different disorders. Right now, psychologists draw a line (which is quite arbitrary) and say that this is what makes you eligible to have a disorder. They are changing that next year for some diagnosis into diagnosing dimensionally. The bottom line is, we all have a bit of something in us. We're all a little bit 'crazy'. Sometimes craziness is good. it can make you more creative than the average person. It can make you cleaner than the average person (OCD with cleanliness). It can make you more interesting. But when the craziness gets in the way of living, that is when it needs to be toned down.

One interesting disorder is Histronic Personality Disorder. Some analysts diagnosed Scarlett O'Hara to have it. I think I read Gone with the Wind in year 12. I loved the novel - I loved its development of the characters, which was achieved though its pace and language. It was one of those novels that pulled me right in and allowed me to be one of them. I loved Rhett Butler's bluntness. He was an interesting character - he was truthful and blunt, yet, filled with love for Scarlett. At that time, Scarlett seemed to be a typical woman to me. She never paid much attention to the chasing, she chased another man in her heart - an idolised version of a real person, she was sexy and she knew it, she managed a whole lot of trouble by pushing her emotions deep inside with 'I'll think about this tomorrow'. The other female character that was well developed was Melanie. She didn't have the ego of Scarlett, nor her flare. She was an emotionally stable, consistent woman. Because the novel is set up so that we look through Scarlett's eyes, Melanie seems like a plain girl who is always in the background. Anyway, so, Scarlett, to me, seemed to be on the right path, because most women that I have seen held that kind of an attitude. Therefore, when we were studying Histronic Personality Disorder, and she was used as an example, it made me look at her from a completely different perspective. When I read through the symptoms, she did seem to tick off all of them.

This was interesting, because, as I said, she seemed like most women I knew. This goes back to the notion of disorders being on a scale, rather than being categorical. I think, as humans, we should continually check ourselves for our weaknesses. This is why I find studying psychology to be extremely helpful. It makes people mindful of their own attributes which helps them catch themselves before falling too deep.

I found this post of mine a little accidentally, and I really liked the thoughts there. I was right to cherish the unseriousness of life. I still remember that day - I do remember looking out the window and feeling the beauty that I described there. This year, my mind seemed to be too cluttered to take life unseriously enough. But, I did like this year. It was a different experience, and it taught me a lot. When you try something new, only then can you know whether you will like it or not. I tried living in absolute strict routine, didn't work for me. I tried hardcore science, didn't work for me. I tried sitting in a class with a bunch of people confused over easy linguistics concepts, didn't work for me. I tried never saying no, didn't work for me. There are a few things in my life right now that aren't working for me. However, most things are. I made a list of all the things I know about myself, at the end of first year, in order to decide which career path I should take. And I don't regret it - I love psychology. I am not entirely sure exactly what niche I would like to go into, but I have an approximate idea at least! I should make another list and compare.

On another note - I should find some older friends to hang out with. I hang around too many little kids who make me feel old, both intentionally and unintentionally. (Yes, that's you, Sum. :P)

PS: I realise the photo has nothing to do with the post, unless you want to stretch your analysis and look at the thoughts as 'prying open my heart with my fingers, resulting in victory'. I used to post up slightly unrelated photos with my posts all the time, and I realised I haven't done so in a while. And its a pretty photo I took in May. :)  

Looking through window panes

Weddings have the potential to give one of two experiences - the time of your life or absolute boredom. When I know some of the guests well, it usually is wonderful. Everything becomes exciting - getting dressed, walking around in heels, taking photos, and of course, the food. If I know the bride and/or groom well enough, the speeches and slideshows are also fun to watch. The last few weddings I have been to have lived up to the expectation of providing the first experience. However, there was this one wedding, sometime last year, which made me look at bengali weddings from a completely different perspective. 

I went there from another event, so, I was not as dressed up as I would usually be. I didn't know the bride and/or groom at all, neither did I know any guests well enough. I remember feeling like a complete outsider as soon as I walked in. All the girls looked exactly the same - similar make up, hair and clothes. Everyone had polite smiles on their faces. They looked approvingly at everything that they resemble and disapprovingly at anything they didn't. I resorted to the good old fiddling with phone technique to avoid awkward interactions. The slideshows and speeches seemed very generic and cliched. By the end of the night, I literally felt suffocated by how hard they tried to maintain certain social expectations and how satisfied people felt at knowing that it was maintained well.

I think, the difference between the two types of weddings were whether they were able to make the guests laugh or smile with their eyes, or whether they forced a smile onto their lips. The difference was in how real the enjoyment was. I suppose its hard to cater for real enjoyment in weddings of people (read - parents of bride and groom) who know a whole lot of people from different walks of life. So, at the end of the day, its about how much you care about other people's perceptions of you (and how much you can afford to not care!). 

Three of my friends will probably get married sometime in the near future. It hit me quite suddenly this morning - they are all pretty amazing people. They have depth in character, have adopting/is adopting the attitude of learning from life, are not pretentious, somewhat to great problem solvers. All of them, at one point or another, have gotten on my nerves. But, somehow, things worked out well and them and I have grown closer through the problems we have faced. What I also realised is, the counterparts of these people also have quite amazing personalities. Its exciting to see how the future will unfold. 

A friend of mine recently had her twenty first. She invited quite a few girls to a restaurant. We got her some pretty cool gifts too, things that made her laugh and want to cry at the same time. I really enjoyed myself when I was there - the company of the girls, the jokes, the food, silly photos. Of course, there were people that I did not know too well. But, I still felt relaxed and was able to be myself. I think, most of the guests there felt the same. What was interesting was, when we posted the photos, people who were not there were able to tell how much fun we all had. More interestingly, I have been trying to organise some sort of meet up for some of the girls for a while. It never ended up happening, due to life, lack of motivation etc. But the amount of fun we had was a catalyst for those to wish to have a meet up. This made me realise that, sometimes, its important to show an example of how things can be, rather than trying to logically explain. 

The reason why I want some of these girls to meet each other is because having a group of amazing individuals is usually better than having scattered amazing individuals. Sometimes, life gets to us in ways that make us buckle our knees. Yet, we feel that we cannot buckle because others are watching us stand up straight. And if we buckle, we would be letting them down. When there is a tight group of support, its easier to stand up straight together. And when someone does fall, its easier to pick her up, than when she's by herself and falls alone.

In other news, I came across this blog while browsing. There was one post that I could relate to quite well - "If you ever find yourself looking at someone and thinking, 'you care too much', don't say it to them. Instead, tell them you love them, and you're luckier than hell that they crossed path with your life." I feel like this about my mum and my sister. It makes me wonder how they can care as much as they do.  

In other, other news, I like Lisa Mitchell's lyrics. NS gave me Neopolitan Dreams a few nights ago. Its about a person who misses another person, so she describes the second person. It reminds me of a couple who needs to be separated for a little while. In the process of which, the girl starts to think that she isn't his first priority, but tells herself to accept it anyway. I liked it because this is the sentiment shared by most of the girls I have seen in relationships from time to time.

She has another song called 'Time means nothing at all'. 

Do you know that I spend my days walking the streets and lanes

Looking through window panes

And out of quaint cafes

Me and myself - we have an ongoing war

There is an ongoing love affair

Given up keeping score.

Well I hope that we find each other before I lose myself

I hope that you get to me before my own worth

Time means nothing at all

Our minds are stronger than we give them credit for.

Undated, untitled

Lipstick woven dreams
Reach the violet sky;
The sweet scent of those words
Drift in sorrow.
They drift through open windows,
Across yellowed fields.
Drift inside your sleepy eyes,
Conjuring dreams of hope -
Blue bubbles of clouds,
An adventure?
A happy ending.